第44章

"Iamquitesure，"saidshe，"thatyouwouldnothavecomeatallunlessIhadaskedyoutocomeandembraceme。"

Atthismylipswerefastenedonhermouth，hereyes，andoneveryspotofherlovelyface。Butseeingmyeyesstrayingtowardsherbosom，andguessingthatIshouldmakemyselfmasterofit，shestoppedlaughingandputherselfonthedefensive。

"Goaway，"saidshe，slyly，"goawayandenjoyyourselfattheHaguewiththefairTrenti，whopossessessoprettyatokenofyourlove。"

"MydearEsther，IamgoingtotheHaguetotalkbusinesswiththeambassador，andfornootherreason，andinsixdaysatlatestyouwillseemebackagain，asmuchyourloverasbefore，anddesiringnothingbetterthantopleaseyou。"

"Irelyuponyourwordofhonour，butmindyoudonotdeceiveme。"

WiththesewordssheputuphermouthandgavemesotenderandpassionateakissthatIwentawayfeelingcertainofmyblissbeingcrownedonmyreturn。Thatevening，atsupper—time，IreachedBoaz’shouse。

EndMEMOIRSOFJACQUESCASANOVAdeSEINGALT1725—1798

THEETERNALQUEST，Volume3b——RETURNTOPARIS

THERAREUNABRIDGEDLONDONEDITIONOF1894TRANSLATEDBYARTHUR

MACHENTOWHICHHASBEENADDEDTHECHAPTERSDISCOVERED

BYARTHURSYMONS。

THEETERNALQUEST

RETURNTOPARIS

CHAPTERV

MyFortuneinHolland——MyReturntoPariswithYoungPompeatiAmongsttheletterswhichwerewaitingformewasonefromthecomptroller—general，whichadvisedmethattwentymillionsinGovernmentsecuritieshadbeenplacedinthehandsofM。d’Afri，whowasnottogobeyondalossofeightpercent。；andanotherletterfrommygoodpatron，M。deBernis，tellingmetodothebestIcould，andtobeassuredthattheambassadorwouldbeinstructedtoconsenttowhateverbargainmightbemade，providedtheratewasnotmoredisadvantageousthanthatoftheexchangeatParis。Boaz，whowasastonishedatthebargainIhadmadewithmyshares，wantedtodiscounttheGovernmentsecuritiesforme，andIshouldverylikelyhaveagreedtohistermsifhehadnotrequiredmetogivehimthreemonths，andthepromisethattheagreementshouldholdeveninthecaseofpeacebeingconcludedinthemeanwhile。ItwasnotlongbeforeIsawthatIshoulddowelltogetbacktoAmsterdam，butI

didnotcaretobreakmywordtoTherese，whomIhadpromisedtomeetattheHague。IreceivedaletterfromherwhileIwasattheplay，andtheservantwhobroughtittoldmehewaswaitingtoconductmetoher。Isentmyownservanthome，andsetoutonmyquest。

Myguidemademeclimbtothefourthfloorofasomewhatwretchedhouse，andthereIfoundthisstrangewomaninasmallroom，attendedbyhersonanddaughter。Thetablestoodinthemidstoftheroom，andwascoveredwithablackcloth，andthetwocandlesstandinguponitmadeitlooklikesomesortofsepulchralaltar。TheHaguewasaCourttown。Iwasrichlydressed；myelaborateattiremadethesaddestpossiblecontrastwiththegloomofmysurroundings。

Therese，dressedinblackandseatedbetweenherchildrenatthatblacktable，remindedmeofMedea。Toseethesetwofairyoungcreaturesvowedtoalotofmiseryanddisgracewasasadandtouchingsight。Itooktheboybetweenmyarms，andpressinghimtomybreastcalledhimmyson。Hismothertoldhimtolookuponmeashisfatherfromhenceforth。Theladrecognizedme；heremembered，muchtomydelight，seeingmeintheMayof1753，inVenice，atMadameManzoni’s。Hewasslightbutstrong；hislimbswerewellproportioned，andhisfeaturesintellectual。Hewasthirteenyearsold。

Hissistersatperfectlystill，apparentlywaitingforherturntocome。Itookheronmyknee，andasIembracedher，natureherselfseemedtotellmethatshewasmydaughter。Shetookmykissesinsilence，butitwaseasytoseethatshethoughtherselfpreferredtoherbrother，andwascharmedwiththeidea。Allherclothingwasaslightfrock，andIwasabletofeeleverylimbandtokissherprettylittlebodyallover，delightedthatsosweetabeingowedherexistencetome。

"Mamma，dear，"saidshe，"isnotthisfinegentlemanthesamewesawatAmsterdam，andwhowastakenformypapabecauseIamlikehim？

Butthatcannotbe，formypapaisdead。"

"Soheis，sweetheart；butImaybeyourdearfriend，mayn’tI？

Wouldyouliketohavemeforafriend？"

"Yes，yes！"shecried，andthrowingherarmsaboutmyneckgavemeathousandkisses，whichIreturnedwithdelight。

Afterwehadtalkedandlaughedtogetherwesatdownattable，andtheheroineTheresegavemeadelicatesupperaccompaniedbyexquisitewines。"Ihavenevergiventhemargravebetterfare，"saidshe，"atthosenicelittlesuppersweusedtotaketogether。"

Wishingtoprobethedispositionofherson，whomIhadengagedtotakeawaywithme，Iaddressedseveralremarkstohim，andsoondiscoveredthathewasofafalseanddeceitfulnature，alwaysonhisguard，takingcareofwhathesaid，andconsequentlyspeakingonlyfromhisheadandnotfromhisheart。Everywordwasdeliveredwithaquietpolitenesswhich，nodoubt，wasintendedtopleaseme。

Itoldhimthatthissortofthingwasallverywellonoccasion；butthatthereweretimeswhenaman’shappinessdependedonhisfreedomfromconstraint；thenandonlythenwashisamiability，ifhehadany，displayed。Hismother，thinkingtopraisehim，toldmethatreservewashischiefcharacteristic，thatshehadtrainedhimtokeephiscounselatalltimesandplaces，andthatshewasthususedtohisbeingreservedwithheraswitheveryoneelse。

"AllIcansayis，"saidI，"yoursystemisanabominableone。Youmayhavestrangledintheirinfancyallthefinerqualitieswithwhichnaturehasendowedyourson，andhavefairlysethimonthewaytobecomeamonsterinsteadofanangel。Idon’tseehowthemostdevotedfathercanpossiblyhaveanyaffectionforasonwhokeepsallhisemotionsunderlockandkey。"

Thisoutburst，whichproceededfromthetendernessIwouldfainhavefeltfortheboy，seemedtostrikehismotherdumb。

"Tellme，mydear，ifyoufeelyourselfcapableofshewingmethatconfidencewhichafatherhasarighttoexpectofagoodson，andifyoucanpromisetobeperfectlyopenandunreservedtowardsme？"

"IpromisethatIwilldieratherthantellyouafalsehood。"

"That’sjustlikehim，"saidthemother。"Ihavesucceededininspiringhimwiththeutmosthorrorofuntruthfulness。"

"That’sallverywell，mydearmadam，butyoumighthavepursuedastillbettercourse，andonewhichwouldhavebeenstillmoreconducivetohishappiness。"

"Whatisthat？"

"Iwilltellyou。Itwasnecessarytomakehimdetestalie；youshouldhaveratherendeavouredtomakehimaloverofthetruthbydisplayingittohiminallitsnativebeauty。Thisistheonlywaytomakehimlovable，andloveisthesolebestowerofhappinessinthisworld。"

"Butisn’titthesamethingnottolieandtotellthetruth，"saidtheboy，withasmilewhichcharmedhismotheranddispleasedme。

"Certainlynot；thereisagreatdifference——fortoavoidlyingyouhaveonlytoholdyourtongue；anddoyouthinkthatcomestothesamethingasspeakingthetruth？Youmustopenyourmindtome，myson，andtellmeallyourthoughts，evenifyoublushintherecital。

Iwillteachyouhowtoblush，andsoonyouwillhavenothingtofearinlayingopenallyourthoughtsanddeeds。Whenweknoweachotheralittlelongerweshallseehowweagreetogether。YoumustunderstandthatIcannotlookuponyouasmysonuntilIseecausetoloveyou，andIcannothaveyoucallmefathertillyoutreatmeasthebestfriendyouhave。YoumaybequitesurethatIshallfindawaytodiscoveryourthoughts，howevercleverlyyoutrytohidethem。

IfIfindyoudeceitfulandsuspiciousIshallcertainlyentertainnoregardforyou。AssoonasIhavefinishedmybusinessatAmsterdamwewillsetoutforParis。IamleavingtheHagueto—morrow，andonmyreturnIhopetofindyouinstructedbyyourmotherinasystemofmoralitymoreconsonantwithmyviews，andmorelikelytoleadtoyourhappiness。"

Onglancingatmylittledaughter，whohadbeenlisteningtomewiththegreatestattention，Isawthathereyeswereswimmingwithtears，whichshecouldhardlyretain。

"Whyareyoucrying？"saidthemother；"itissillytocry。"Andwiththatthechildrantohermotherandthrewherarmsroundherneck。

"WouldyouliketocometoParis，too？"saidItoher。

"Oh，yes！Butmammamustcometoo，asshewoulddiewithoutme。"

"WhatwouldyoudoifItoldyoutogo？"saidthemother。

"Iwouldobeyyou，mamma，buthowcouldIexistawayfromyou？"

Thereuponmylittledaughterpretendedtocry。Isaypretended，asitwasquiteevidentthatthechilddidnotmeanwhatshesaid，andI

amsurethathermotherknewitaswellasI。

Itwasreallyamelancholythingtoseetheeffectsofabadeducationonthisyoungchild，towhomnaturehadgivenintelligenceandfeeling。Itookthemotherononeside，andsaidthatifshehadintendedtomakeactorsofherchildrenshehadsucceededtoadmiration；butifshewishedthemtobecomeusefulmembersofsocietyhersystemhadfailedlamentably，astheywereinafairwaytobecomemonstersofdeceit。Icontinuedmakingherthemostpointedremonstrancesuntil，inspiteofhereffortstocontrolherself，sheburstintotears。However，shesoonrecoveredhercomposure，andbeggedmetostayattheHagueadaylonger，butI

toldheritwasoutofthequestion，andlefttheroom。Icameinagainafewminutesafter，andSophiecameuptomeandsaid，inalovinglittlevoice，"Ifyouarereallymyfriend，youwillgivemesomeproofofyourfriendship。"

"Andwhatproofdoyouwant，mydear？"

"Iwantyoutocomeandsupwithmeto—morrow。"

"Ican’t，Sophiedear，forIhavejustsaidnotoyourmother，andshewouldbeoffendedifIgrantedyouwhatIhadrefusedher。"

"Oh，no！shewouldn’t；itwasshewhotoldmetoaskyoujustnow。"

Inaturallybegantolaugh，butonhermothercallingthegirlalittlefool，andthebrotheraddingthathehadnevercommittedsuchanindiscretion，thepoorchildbegantotrembleallover，andlookedabashed。IreassuredherasbestIcould，notcaringwhetherwhatI

saiddispleasedhermotherornot，andIendeavouredtoinstillintoherprinciplesofaverydifferentnaturetothoseinwhichshehadbeenreared，whileshelistenedwithaneagernesswhichprovedthatherheartwasstillreadytolearntherightway。Littlebylittleherfacecleared，andIsawthatIhadmadeanimpression，andthoughIcouldnotflattermyselfthatanygoodImightdoherwouldbelastinginitseffectsaslongassheremainedunderthebadinfluenceofhermother，Ipromisedtocomeandsupwithhernextevening，"butonthecondition，"Isaid，"thatyougivemeaplainmeal，andonebottleofchambertinonly，foryouarenottoowelloff。"

"Iknowthat，butmammasaysthatyoupayforeverything。"

Thisreplymademegooffintoaroaroflaughter；andinspiteofhervexationthemotherwasobligedtofollowmyexample。Thepoorwoman，hardenedbythelifesheled，tookthechild’ssimplicityforstupidity，butIsawinheraroughdiamondwhichonlywantedpolishing。

Theresetoldmethatthewinedidnotcostheranything，asthesonoftheRotterdamburgomasterfurnishedherwithit，andthathewouldsupwithusthenextdayifIwouldallowhimtobepresent。I

answeredsmilinglythatIshouldbedelightedtoseehim，andIwentawayaftergivingmydaughter，ofwhomIfeltfond，atenderembrace。

Iwouldhavedoneanythingtobeentrustedwithher，butIsawitwouldbenogoodtryingtogetpossessionofher，asthemotherwasevidentlykeepingherasaresourceforheroldage。Thisisacommonwayforadventuressestolookupontheirdaughters，andTheresewasanadventuressinthewidestacceptationoftheterm。I

gavehertwentyducatstogetclothesformyadoptedsonandSophie，who，withspontaneousgratitude，andhereyesfilledwithtears，cameandgavemeakiss。Josephwasgoingtokissmyhand，butItoldhimthatitwasdegradingforonemantokissanother’shand，andthatforthefuturehewastoshewhisgratitudebyembracingmeasasonembraceshisfather。

JustasIwasleaving，Theresetookmetotheclosetwherethetwochildrenweresleeping。Iknewwhatshewasthinkingof；butallthatwasoverlongago；IcouldthinkofnoonebutEsther。

ThenextdayIfoundtheburgomaster’ssonatmyactress’shouse。Hewasafineyoungfellowoftwentyortwenty—one，buttotallydevoidofmanner。HewasTherese’slover，butheshouldhaveregulatedhisbehaviourinmypresence。Therese，seeingthathewasposingasmasterofthefield，andthathismannersdisgustedme，begantosnubhim，muchtohisdispleasure，andaftersneeringatthepoornessofthedishes，andpraisingthewinewhichhehadsupplied，hewentoutleavingustofinishourdessertbyourselves。Ileftmyselfateleven，tellingTheresethatIshouldseeheragainbeforeIwentaway。ThePrincessedeGalitzin，aCantimirbybirth，hadaskedmetodinner，andthismademeloseanotherday。

NextdayIheardfromMadamed’Urfe，whoenclosedabillofexchangeonBoazfortwelvethousandfrancs。Shesaidthatshehadboughthersharesforsixtythousand，thatshedidnotwishtomakeanythingofthem，andthatshehopedIwouldaccepttheoverplusasmybroker’sfee。Shewordedherofferwithtoomuchcourtesyformetorefuseit。Theremainderoftheletterwasdevotedtothewildestfancies。

ShesaidthathergeniushadrevealedtoherthatIshouldbringbacktoParisaboybornoftheMysticalMarriage，andshehopedIwouldtakepityonher。Itwasastrangecoincidence，andseemedlikelytoattachthewomanstillmorecloselytohervisionarytheories。I

laughedwhenIthoughhowshewouldbeimpressedbyTherese’sson，whowascertainlynotbornoftheMysticalMarriage。

Boazpaidmemytwelvethousandfrancsinducats，andImadehimmyfriend，ashethankedmeforreceivingthemoneysinducats，andhedoubtlessmadeaprofitonthetransaction，goldbeingacommodityinHolland，andallpaymentsbeingmadeinsilverorpapermoney。

Atthattimegoldwasatalowrate，andnobodywouldtakeducats。

AfterhavinganexcellentdinnerwiththePrincessedeGalitzin，I

putonmycloakandwenttothecaf？Ifoundtheretheburgomaster’sson，whowasjustbeginningagameofbilliards。HewhisperedtomethatImightbackhimwithadvantage，andthinkinghewassureofhisstrokeIthankedhimandfollowedhisadvice。

However，afterlosingthreegamesoneaftertheother，Itookhismeasureandbegantolayagainsthimwithouthisknowledge。Afterplayingforthreehoursandlosingallthetime，hestoppedplayandcametocondolewithmeonmyheavyloss。ItisimpossibletodescribehisamazedexpressionwhenIshewedhimahandfulofducats，andassuredhimthatIhadspentaveryprofitableeveninginlayingagainsthim。Everybodyintheroombegantolaughathim，buthewasthesortofyoungmanwhodoesn’tunderstandajoke，andhewentoutinarage。SoonafterIleftthebilliard—roommyself，and，accordingtomypromisewenttoseeTherese，asIwasleavingforAmsterdamthenextday。

Theresewaswaitingforheryoungwinemerchant，butonmyrecountinghisadventuressheexpectedhimnolonger。Itookmylittledaughteronmykneeandlavishedmycaressesonher，andsoleftthem，tellingthemthatweshouldseeeachotheragaininthecourseofthreeweeksoramonthatlatest。

AsIwasgoinghomeinthemoonlightbymyself，myswordundermyarm，Iwasencounteredallofasuddenbythepoordupeofaburgomaster’sson。

"Iwanttoknow，"saidhe，"ifyourswordhasassharpapointasyourtongue。"

Itriedtoquiethimbyspeakingcommonsense，andIkeptmyswordwrappedinmycloak，thoughhiswasbaredanddirectedagainstme。

"Youarewrongtotakemyjestsinsuchbadpart，"saidI；"however，Iapologizetoyou。"

"Noapologies；looktoyourself。"

"Waittillto—morrow，youwillbecoolerthen，butifyoustillwishitIwillgiveyousatisfactioninthemidstofthebilliard—room。"

"Theonlysatisfactionyoucangivemeistofight；Iwanttokillyou。"

Asevidenceofhisdetermination，andtoprovokemebeyondrecall，hestruckmewiththeflatofhissword，thefirstandlasttimeinmylifeinwhichIhavereceivedsuchandinsult。Idrewmysword，butstillhopingtobringhimtohissensesIkeptstrictlyonthedefensiveandendeavouredtomakehimleaveoff。ThisconducttheDutchmanmistookforfear，andpushedhardonme，lunginginamannerthatmademelooktomyself。Hisswordpassedthroughmynecktie；aquarterofaninchfartherinwouldhavedonemybusiness。

Ileapttooneside，and，mydangernolongeradmittingofmyfightingonthedefensive，Ilungedoutandwoundedhiminthechest。

Ithoughtthiswouldhavebeenenoughforhim，soIproposedweshouldterminateourengagement。

"I’mnotdeadyet，"saidhe；"Iwanttokillyou。"

Thiswashiswatchword；and，asheleaptonmeinaparoxysmofrage，morelikeamadmanthanasensiblebeing，Ihithimfourtimes。Atthefourthwoundhesteppedback，and，sayinghehadhadenough，beggedmetoleavehim。

IwentoffasfastasIcould，andwasverygladtoseefromthelookofmyswordthathiswoundswereslight。IfoundBoazstillup，andonhearingwhathadtakenplaceheadvisedmetogotoAmsterdamatonce，thoughIassuredhimthatthewoundswerenotmortal。Igaveintohisadvice，andasmycarriagewasatthesaddler’shelentmehis，andIsetout，biddingmyservanttocomeonthenextdaywithmyluggage，andtorejoinmeatthe"OldBible，"inAmsterdam。I

reachedAmsterdamatnoonandmymanarrivedintheevening。

Iwascurioustohearifmyduelhadmadeanynoise，butasmyservanthadleftatanearlyhourhehadheardnothingaboutit。

FortunatelyformenothingwhateverwasknownaboutitatAmsterdamforaweekafter；otherwise，thingsmightnothavegonewellwithme，asthereputationofbeingaduellistisnotarecommendationtofinancierswithwhomoneisabouttotransactbusinessofimportance。

ThereaderwillnotbesurprisedwhenItellhimthatmyfirstcallwasonM。d’O，orratheronhischarmingdaughterEsther，forsheitwasonwhomIwaited。Itwillberememberedthatthewayinwhichweparteddidagooddealtowardsaugmentingthewarmthofmyaffectionforher。OnenteringtheroomIfoundEstherwritingatatable。

"WhatareyoudoingEsther，dear？"

"Anarithmeticalproblem。"

"Doyoulikeproblems？"

"Iampassionatelyfondofanythingwhichcontainsdifficultiesandofferscuriousresults。"

"Iwillgiveyousomethingwhichwillpleaseyou。"

Imadeher，bywayofjest，twomagicsquares，whichdelightedher。

Inreturn，shespewedmesometrifleswithwhichIwaswellacquainted，butwhichIpretendedtothinkveryastonishing。Mygoodgeniustheninspiredmewiththeideaoftryingdivinationbythecabala。Itoldhertoaskaquestioninwriting，andassuredherthatbyacertainkindofcalculationasatisfactoryanswerwouldbeobtained。Shesmiled，andaskedwhyIhadreturnedtoAmsterdamsosoon。Ishewedherhowtomakethepyramidwiththepropernumbersandtheotherceremonies，thenImadeherextracttheanswerinnumbers，translatingitintoFrench，andgreatlywasshesurprisedtofindthatthecausewhichhadmademereturntoAmsterdamsosoonwas——love。

Quiteconfounded，shesaiditwasverywonderful，eventhoughtheanswermightnotbetrue，andshewishedtoknowwhatmasterscouldteachthismodeofcalculation。

"Thosewhoknowitcannotteachitt