第134章

ForIdidlovehimonce。Undeservingashewas，andlittleashethoughtofalltheseagoniesthatitcostme——agonieswhichshouldhavemadehimwhollyandgratefullyminetohislife’send——Ilovedhim。Iborewithhiscousin’spraisinghimtomyface，andwithherpretendingtothinkthatitpleasedme，butfullwellknowingthatitrankledinmybreast；forhissake。WhileIhavesatinhispresencerecallingallmyslightsandwrongs，anddeliberatingwhetherIshouldnotflyfromthehouseatonceandneverseehimagain——Ihavelovedhim。

Hisaunt(myMistressyouwillpleasetoremember)deliberately，wilfully，addedtomytrialsandvexations。ItwasherdelighttoexpatiateonthestyleinwhichweweretoliveinIndia，andontheestablishmentweshouldkeep，andthecompanyweshouldentertainwhenhegothisadvancement。Myprideroseagainstthisbarefacedwayofpointingoutthecontrastmymarriedlifewastopresenttomythendependentandinferiorposition。Isuppressedmyindignation；butIshowedherthatherintentionwasnotlostuponme，andIrepaidherannoyancebyaffectinghumility。Whatshedescribedwouldsurelybeagreatdealtoomuchhonourforme，Iwouldtellher。IwasafraidImightnotbeabletosupportsogreatachange。Thinkofameregoverness，herdaughter’sgoverness，comingtothathighdistinction!Itmadeheruneasy，andmadethemalluneasy，whenIansweredinthisway。TheyknewthatIfullyunderstoodher。

Itwasatthetimewhenmytroubleswereattheirhighest，andwhenIwasmostincensedagainstmyloverforhisingratitudeincaringaslittleashedidfortheinnumerabledistressesandmortificationsIunderwentonhisaccount，thatyourdearfriend，MrGowan，appearedatthehouse。Hehadbeenintimatethereforalongtime，buthadbeenabroad。Heunderstoodthestateofthingsataglance，andheunderstoodme。

HewasthefirstpersonIhadeverseeninmylifewhohadunderstoodme。HewasnotinthehousethreetimesbeforeIknewthatheaccompaniedeverymovementofmymind。Inhiscoldlyeasywaywithallofthem，andwithme，andwiththewholesubject，I

sawitclearly。Inhislightprotestationsofadmirationofmyfuturehusband，inhisenthusiasmregardingourengagementandourprospects，inhishopefulcongratulationsonourfuturewealthandhisdespondentreferencestohisownpoverty——allequallyhollow，andjesting，andfullofmockery——Isawitclearly。Hemademefeelmoreandmoreresentful，andmoreandmorecontemptible，byalwayspresentingtomeeverythingthatsurroundedmewithsomenewhatefullightuponit，whilehepretendedtoexhibititinitsbestaspectformyadmirationandhisown。Hewaslikethedressed-upDeathintheDutchseries；whateverfigurehetookuponhisarm，whetheritwasyouthorage，beautyorugliness，whetherhedancedwithit，sangwithit，playedwithit，orprayedwithit，hemadeitghastly。

Youwillunderstand，then，thatwhenyourdearfriendcomplimentedme，hereallycondoledwithme；thatwhenhesoothedmeundermyvexations，helaidbareeverysmartingwoundIhad；thatwhenhedeclaredmy’faithfulswain’tobe’themostlovingyoungfellowintheworld，withthetenderestheartthateverbeat，’hetouchedmyoldmisgivingthatIwasmaderidiculous。Thesewerenotgreatservices，youmaysay。Theywereacceptabletome，becausetheyechoedmyownmind，andconfirmedmyownknowledge。Isoonbegantolikethesocietyofyourdearfriendbetterthananyother。

WhenIperceived(whichIdid，almostassoon)thatjealousywasgrowingoutofthis，Ilikedthissocietystillbetter。HadInotbeensubjecttojealousy，andweretheendurancestobeallmine？

No。Lethimknowwhatitwas!Iwasdelightedthatheshouldknowit；Iwasdelightedthatheshouldfeelkeenly，andIhopedhedid。

Morethanthat。HewastameincomparisonwithMrGowan，whoknewhowtoaddressmeonequalterms，andhowtoanatomisethewretchedpeoplearoundus。

Thiswenton，untiltheaunt，myMistress，tookituponherselftospeaktome。Itwasscarcelywort