第133章

neverknewthemwaitformetobegin。Theywerealwaysforgivingme，intheirvanityandcondescension。Littleimagesofgrownpeople!

Oneofthemwasmychosenfriend。IlovedthatstupidmiteinapassionatewaythatshecouldnomoredeservethanIcanrememberwithoutfeelingashamedof，thoughIwasbutachild。Shehadwhattheycalledanamiabletemper，anaffectionatetemper。Shecoulddistribute，anddiddistributeprettylooksandsmilestoeveryoneamongthem。Ibelievetherewasnotasoulintheplace，exceptmyself，whoknewthatshediditpurposelytowoundandgallme!

Nevertheless，Isolovedthatunworthygirlthatmylifewasmadestormybymyfondnessforher。Iwasconstantlylecturedanddisgracedforwhatwascalled’tryingher；’inotherwordschargingherwithherlittleperfidyandthrowingherintotearsbyshowingherthatIreadherheart。However，Ilovedherfaithfully；andonetimeIwenthomewithherfortheholidays。

Shewasworseathomethanshehadbeenatschool。Shehadacrowdofcousinsandacquaintances，andwehaddancesatherhouse，andwentouttodancesatotherhouses，and，bothathomeandout，shetormentedmylovebeyondendurance。Herplanwas，tomakethemallfondofher——andsodrivemewildwithjealousy。Tobefamiliarandendearingwiththemall——andsomakememadwithenvyingthem。

Whenwewereleftaloneinourbedroomatnight，Iwouldreproachherwithmyperfectknowledgeofherbaseness；andthenshewouldcryandcryandsayIwascruel，andthenIwouldholdherinmyarmstillmorning：lovingherasmuchasever，andoftenfeelingasif，ratherthansufferso，Icouldsoholdherinmyarmsandplungetothebottomofariver——whereIwouldstillholdherafterwewerebothdead。

Itcametoanend，andIwasrelieved。Inthefamilytherewasanauntwhowasnotfondofme。Idoubtifanyofthefamilylikedmemuch；butIneverwantedthemtolikeme，beingaltogetherboundupintheonegirl。Theauntwasayoungwoman，andshehadaseriouswaywithhereyesofwatchingme。Shewasanaudaciouswoman，andopenlylookedcompassionatelyatme。AfteroneofthenightsthatIhavespokenof，Icamedownintoagreenhousebeforebreakfast。

Charlotte(thenameofmyfalseyoungfriend)hadgonedownbeforeme，andIheardthisauntspeakingtoheraboutmeasIentered。

IstoppedwhereIwas，amongtheleaves，andlistened。

Theauntsaid，’Charlotte，MissWadeiswearingyoutodeath，andthismustnotcontinue。’IrepeattheverywordsIheard。

Now，whatdidsheanswer？Didshesay，’ItisIwhoamwearinghertodeath，Iwhoamkeepingheronarackandamtheexecutioner，yetshetellsmeeverynightthatshelovesmedevotedly，thoughsheknowswhatImakeherundergo？’No；myfirstmemorableexperiencewastruetowhatIknewhertobe，andtoallmyexperience。Shebegansobbingandweeping(tosecuretheaunt’ssympathytoherself)，andsaid，’Dearaunt，shehasanunhappytemper；othergirlsatschool，besidesI，tryhardtomakeitbetter；wealltryhard。’

Uponthattheauntfondledher，asifshehadsaidsomethingnobleinsteadofdespicableandfalse，andkeptuptheinfamouspretencebyreplying，’Buttherearereasonablelimits，mydearlove，toeverything，andIseethatthispoormiserablegirlcausesyoumoreconstantanduselessdistressthanevensogoodaneffortjustifies。’

Thepoormiserablegirlcameoutofherconcealment，asyoumaybepreparedtohear，andsaid，’Sendmehome。’Ineversaidanotherwordtoeitherofthem，ortoanyofthem，but’Sendmehome，orI

willwalkhomealone，nightandday!’WhenIgothome，Itoldmysupposedgrandmotherthat，unlessIwassentawaytofinishmyeducationsomewhereelsebeforethatgirlcameback，orbeforeanyoneofthemcameback，Iwouldburnmysightawaybythrowingmyselfintothefire，ratherthanIwouldenduretolookattheirplottingfaces。

Iwentamongyoungwomennext，andIfoundthemnobetter。Fairwordsandfairpretences；butIpenetratedbelowthoseassertionsofthemselvesanddepreciationsofm