第10章

’AndallfriendsroundStPaul’s。’Heemptiedandputdownthewine-glasshalf-waythroughthisancientcivictoast，andtookupthebox。Itwasanironboxsometwofeetsquare，whichhecarriedunderhisarmsprettyeasily。Jeremiahwatchedhismannerofadjustingit，withjealouseyes；trieditwithhishands，tobesurethathehadafirmholdofit；badehimforhislifebecarefulwhathewasabout；andthenstoleoutontiptoetoopenthedoorforhim。Affery，anticipatingthelastmovement，wasonthestaircase。Thesequenceofthingswassoordinaryandnatural，that，standingthere，shecouldhearthedooropen，feelthenightair，andseethestarsoutside。

Butnowcamethemostremarkablepartofthedream。Shefeltsoafraidofherhusband，thatbeingonthestaircase，shehadnotthepowertoretreattoherroom(whichshemighteasilyhavedonebeforehehadfastenedthedoor)，butstoodtherestaring。

Consequentlywhenhecameupthestaircasetobed，candleinhand，hecamefulluponher。Helookedastonished，butsaidnotaword。

Hekepthiseyesuponher，andkeptadvancing；andshe，completelyunderhisinfluence，keptretiringbeforehim。Thus，shewalkingbackwardandhewalkingforward，theycameintotheirownroom。

Theywerenosoonershutinthere，thanMrFlintwinchtookherbythethroat，andshookheruntilshewasblackintheface。

’Why，Affery，woman——Affery!’saidMrFlintwinch。’Whathaveyoubeendreamingof？Wakeup，wakeup!What’sthematter？’

’The——thematter，Jeremiah？’gaspedMrsFlintwinch，rollinghereyes。

’Why，Affery，woman——Affery!Youhavebeengettingoutofbedinyoursleep，mydear!Icomeup，afterhavingfallenasleepmyself，below，andfindyouinyourwrapperhere，withthenightmare。

Affery，woman，’saidMrFlintwinch，withafriendlygrinonhisexpressivecountenance，’ifyoueverhaveadreamofthissortagain，it’llbeasignofyourbeinginwantofphysic。AndI’llgiveyousuchadose，oldwoman——suchadose!’

MrsFlintwinchthankedhimandcreptintobed。

FamilyAffairsAsthecityclocksstrucknineonMondaymorning，MrsClennamwaswheeledbyJeremiahFlintwinchofthecut-downaspecttohertallcabinet。Whenshehadunlockedandopenedit，andhadsettledherselfatitsdesk，Jeremiahwithdrew——asitmightbe，tohanghimselfmoreeffectually——andhersonappeared。

’Areyouanybetterthismorning，mother？’

Sheshookherhead，withthesameaustereairofluxuriousnessthatshehadshownover-nightwhenspeakingoftheweather。

’Ishallneverbebetteranymore。Itiswellforme，Arthur，thatIknowitandcanbearit。’

Sittingwithherhandslaidseparatelyuponthedesk，andthetallcabinettoweringbeforeher，shelookedasifshewereperformingonadumbchurchorgan。Hersonthoughtso(itwasanoldthoughtwithhim)，whilehetookhisseatbesideit。

Sheopenedadrawerortwo，lookedoversomebusinesspapers，andputthembackagain。Herseverefacehadnothreadofrelaxationinit，bywhichanyexplorercouldhavebeenguidedtothegloomylabyrinthofherthoughts。

’ShallIspeakofouraffairs，mother？Areyouinclinedtoenteruponbusiness？’

’AmIinclined，Arthur？Rather，areyou？Yourfatherhasbeendeadayearandmore。Ihavebeenatyourdisposal，andwaitingyourpleasure，eversince。’

’TherewasmuchtoarrangebeforeIcouldleave；andwhenIdidleave，Itravelledalittleforrestandrelief。’

Sheturnedherfacetowardshim，asnothavingheardorunderstoodhislastwords。

’Forrestandrelief。’

Sheglancedroundthesombreroom，andappearedfromthemotionofherlipstorepeatthewordstoherself，ascallingittowitnesshowlittleofeitheritaffordedher。

’Besides，mother，youbeingsoleexecutrix，andhavingthedirectionandmanagementoftheestate，thereremainedlittlebusiness，orImightsaynone，thatIcouldtransact，untilyouhadhadtimetoarrangematterstoyoursatisfaction。’

’Theaccountsaremadeout，’shereturned。’Ihavethemhere。Thevouchershaveallbeenexaminedandpassed。Youcaninspectthemwhenyoulike，Arthur；now，ifyouplease。’

’Itisquiteenough，mother，toknowthatthebusinessiscompleted。ShallIproceedthen？’

’Whynot？’shesaid，inherfrozenway。

’Mother，ourHousehasdonelessandlessforsomeyearspast，andourdealingshavebeenprogressivelyonthedecline。Wehavenevershownmuchconfidence，orinvitedmuch；wehaveattachednopeopletous；thetrackwehavekeptisnotthetrackofthetime；andwehavebeenleftfarbehind。Ineednotdwellonthistoyou，mother。Youknowitnecessarily。’

’Iknowwhatyoumean，’sheanswered，inaqualifiedtone。

’Eventhisoldhouseinwhichwespeak，’pursuedherson，’isaninstanceofwhatIsay。Inmyfather’searliertime，andinhisuncle’stimebeforehim，itwasaplaceofbusiness——reallyaplaceofbusiness，andbusinessresort。Now，itisamereanomalyandincongruityhere，outofdateandoutofpurpose。AllourconsignmentshavelongbeenmadetoRovinghams’thecommission-

merchants；andalthough，asacheckuponthem，andinthestewardshipofmyfather’sresources，yourjudgmentandwatchfulnesshavebeenactivelyexerted，stillthosequalitieswouldhaveinfluencedmyfather’sfortunesequally，ifyouhadlivedinanyprivatedwelling：wouldtheynot？’

’Doyouconsider，’shereturned，withoutansweringhisquestion，’thatahouseservesnopurpose，Arthur，inshelteringyourinfirmandafflicted——justlyinfirmandrighteouslyafflicted——mother？’

’Iwasspeakingonlyofbusinesspurposes。’

’Withwhatobject？’

’Iamcomingtoit。’

’Iforesee，’shereturned，fixinghereyesuponhim，’whatitis。

ButtheLordforbidthatIshouldrepineunderanyvisitation。InmysinfulnessImeritbitterdisappointment，andIacceptit。’

’Mother，Igrievetohearyouspeaklikethis，thoughIhavehadmyapprehensionsthatyouwould——’

’YouknewIwould。YouknewME，’sheinterrupted。

Hersonpausedforamoment。Hehadstruckfireoutofher，andwassurprised。

’Well!’shesaid，relapsingintostone。’Goon。Letmehear。’

’Youhaveanticipated，mother，thatIdecideformypart，toabandonthebusiness。Ihavedonewithit。Iwillnottakeuponmyselftoadviseyou；youwillcontinueit，Isee。IfIhadanyinfluencewithyou，Iwouldsimplyuseittosoftenyourjudgmentofmeincausingyouthisdisappointment：torepresenttoyouthatIhavelivedthehalfofalongtermoflife，andhaveneverbeforesetmyownwillagainstyours。IcannotsaythatIhavebeenabletoconformmyself，inheartandspirit，toyourrules；IcannotsaythatIbelievemyfortyyearshavebeenprofitableorpleasanttomyself，oranyone；butIhavehabituallysubmitted，andIonlyaskyoutorememberit。’

Woetothesuppliant，ifsuchaonetherewereoreverhadbeen，whohadanyconcessiontolookforintheinexorablefaceatthecabinet。Woetothedefaulterwhoseappeallaytothetribunalwherethosesevereeyespresided。Greatneedhadtherigidwomanofhermysticalreligion，veiledingloomanddarkness，withlightningsofcursing，vengeance，anddestruction，flashingthroughthesableclouds。Forgiveusourdebtsasweforgiveourdebtors，wasaprayertoopoorinspiritforher。SmiteThoumydebtors，Lord，witherthem，crushthem；doThouasIwoulddo，andThoushalthavemyworship：thiswastheimpioustowerofstoneshebuiltuptoscaleHeaven。

’Haveyoufinished，Arthur，orhaveyouanythingmoretosaytome？

Ithinktherecanbenothingelse。Youhavebeenshort，butfullofmatter!’

’Mother，Ihaveyetsomethingmoretosay。Ithasbeenuponmymind，nightandday，thislongtime。ItisfarmoredifficulttosaythanwhatIhavesaid。Thatconcernedmyself；thisconcernsusall。’

’Usall!Whoareusall？’

’Yourself，myself，mydeadfather。’

Shetookherhandsfromthedesk；foldedtheminherlap；andsatlookingtowardsthefire，withtheimpenetrabilityofanoldEgyptiansculpture。

’YouknewmyfatherinfinitelybetterthanIeverknewhim；andhisreservewithmeyieldedtoyou。Youweremuchthestronger，mother，anddirectedhim。Asachild，IknewitaswellasIknowitnow。IknewthatyourascendancyoverhimwasthecauseofhisgoingtoChinatotakecareofthebusinessthere，whileyoutookcareofithere(thoughIdonotevennowknowwhetherthesewerereallytermsofseparationthatyouagreedupon)；andthatitwasyourwillthatIshouldremainwithyouuntilIwastwenty，andthengotohimasIdid。Youwillnotbeoffendedbymyrecallingthis，aftertwentyyears？’

’Iamwaitingtohearwhyyourecallit。’

Heloweredhisvoice，andsaid，withmanifestreluctance，andagainsthiswill：

’Iwanttoaskyou，mother，whetheriteveroccurredtoyoutosuspect——’

AtthewordSuspect，sheturnedhereyesmomentarilyuponherson，withadarkfrown。Shethensufferedthemtoseekthefire，asbefore；butwiththefrownfixedabovethem，asifthesculptorofoldEgypthadindenteditinthehardgraniteface，tofrownforages。

’——thathehadanysecretremembrancewhichcausedhimtroubleofmind——remorse？Whetheryoueverobservedanythinginhisconductsuggestingthat；oreverspoketohimuponit，oreverheardhimhintatsuchathing？’

’Idonotunderstandwhatkindofsecretremembranceyoumeantoinferthatyourfatherwasapreyto，’shereturned，afterasilence。’Youspeaksomysteriously。’

’Isitpossible，mother，’hersonleanedforwardtobethenearertoherwhilehewhisperedit，andlaidhishandnervouslyuponherdesk，’isitpossible，mother，thathehadunhappilywrongedanyone，andmadenoreparation？’

Lookingathimwrathfully，shebentherselfbackinherchairtokeephimfurtheroff，butgavehimnoreply。

’Iamdeeplysensible，mother，thatifthisthoughthasneveratanytimeflasheduponyou，itmustseemcruelandunnaturalinme，eveninthisconfidence，tobreatheit。ButIcannotshakeitoff。

Timeandchange(Ihavetriedbothbeforebreakingsilence)donothingtowearitout。Remember，Iwaswithmyfather。Remember，Isawhisfacewhenhegavethewatchintomykeeping，andstruggledtoexpressthathesentitasatokenyouwouldunderstand，toyou。Remember，Isawhimatthelastwiththepencilinhisfailinghand，tryingtowritesomewordforyoutoread，buttowhichhecouldgivenoshape。ThemoreremoteandcruelthisvaguesuspicionthatIhave，thestrongerthecircumstancesthatcouldgiveitanysemblanceofprobabilitytome。ForHeaven’ssake，letusexaminesacredlywhetherthereisanywrongentrustedtoustosetright。Noonecanhelptowardsit，mother，butyou。’

Stillsorecoilinginherchairthatheroverpoisedweightmovedit，fromtimetotime，alittleonitswheels，andgavehertheappearanceofaphantomoffierceaspectglidingawayfromhim，sheinterposedherleftarm，bentattheelbowwiththebackofherhandtowardsherface，betweenherselfandhim，andlookedathiminafixedsilence。

’Ingraspingatmoneyandindrivinghardbargains——Ihavebegun，andImustspeakofsuchthingsnow，mother——someonemayhavebeengrievouslydeceived，injured，ruined。Youwerethemovingpowerofallthismachinerybeforemybirth；yourstrongerspirithasbeeninfusedintoallmyfather’sdealingsformorethantwoscoreyears。Youcansetthesedoubtsatrest，Ithink，ifyouwillreallyhelpmetodiscoverthetruth。Willyou，mother？’