第15章

VanityFair！Thismighthavebeen，butforyou，acheerylass——PeterButtandRoseahappymanandwife，inasnugfarm，withaheartyfamily；andanhonestportionofpleasures，cares，hopesandstruggles——butatitleandacoachandfouraretoysmorepreciousthanhappinessinVanityFair：andifHarrytheEighthorBluebeardwerealivenow，andwantedatenthwife，doyousupposehecouldnotgettheprettiestgirlthatshallbepresentedthisseason？

Thelanguiddulnessoftheirmammadidnot，asitmaybesupposed，awakenmuchaffectioninherlittledaughters，buttheywereveryhappyintheservants’hallandinthestables；andtheScotchgardenerhavingluckilyagoodwifeandsomegoodchildren，theygotalittlewholesomesocietyandinstructioninhislodge，whichwastheonlyeducationbestoweduponthemuntilMissSharpcame。

HerengagementwasowingtotheremonstrancesofMr。PittCrawley，theonlyfriendorprotectorLadyCrawleyeverhad，andtheonlyperson，besidesherchildren，forwhomsheentertainedalittlefeebleattachment。Mr。PitttookafterthenobleBinkies，fromwhomhewasdescended，andwasaverypoliteandpropergentleman。Whenhegrewtoman’sestate，andcamebackfromChristchurch，hebegantoreformtheslackeneddisciplineofthehall，inspiteofhisfather，whostoodinaweofhim。Hewasamanofsuchrigidrefinement，thathewouldhavestarvedratherthanhavedinedwithoutawhiteneckcloth。Once，whenjustfromcollege，andwhenHorrocksthebutlerbroughthimaletterwithoutplacingitpreviouslyonatray，hegavethatdomesticalook，andadministeredtohimaspeechsocutting，thatHorrockseveraftertrembledbeforehim；

thewholehouseholdbowedtohim：LadyCrawley’scurl-

paperscameoffearlierwhenhewasathome：SirPitt’smuddygaitersdisappeared；andifthatincorrigibleoldmanstilladheredtootheroldhabits，heneverfuddledhimselfwithrum-and-waterinhisson’spresence，andonlytalkedtohisservantsinaveryreservedandpolitemanner；andthosepersonsremarkedthatSirPittneversworeatLadyCrawleywhilehissonwasintheroom。

Itwashewhotaughtthebutlertosay，“Myladyisserved。”andwhoinsistedonhandingherladyshipintodinner。Heseldomspoketoher，butwhenhediditwaswiththemostpowerfulrespect；andheneverletherquittheapartmentwithoutrisinginthemoststatelymannertoopenthedoor，andmakinganelegantbowatheregress。

AtEtonhewascalledMissCrawley；andthere，I

amsorrytosay，hisyoungerbrotherRawdonusedtolickhimviolently。Butthoughhispartswerenotbrilliant，hemadeupforhislackoftalentbymeritoriousindustry，andwasneverknown，duringeightyearsatschool，tobesubjecttothatpunishmentwhichitisgenerallythoughtnonebutacherubcanescape。

Atcollegehiscareerwasofcoursehighlycreditable。

Andherehepreparedhimselfforpubliclife，intowhichhewastobeintroducedbythepatronageofhisgrandfather，LordBinkie，bystudyingtheancientandmodernoratorswithgreatassiduity，andbyspeakingunceasinglyatthedebatingsocieties。Butthoughhehadafinefluxofwords，anddeliveredhislittlevoicewithgreatpomposityandpleasuretohimself，andneveradvancedanysentimentoropinionwhichwasnotperfectlytriteandstale，andsupportedbyaLatinquotation；yethefailedsomehow，inspiteofamediocritywhichoughttohaveinsuredanymanasuccess。Hedidnotevengettheprizepoem，whichallhisfriendssaidhewassureof。

AfterleavingcollegehebecamePrivateSecretarytoLordBinkie，andwasthenappointedAttachetotheLegationatPumpernickel，whichposthefilledwithperfecthonour，andbroughthomedespatches，consistingofStrasburgpie，totheForeignMinisteroftheday。AfterremainingtenyearsAttache(severalyearsafterthelamentedLordBinkie’sdemise)，andfindingtheadvancementslow，heatlengthgaveupthediplomaticserviceinsomedisgust，andbegantoturncountrygentleman。

HewroteapamphletonMaltonreturningtoEngland(forhewasanambitiousman，andalwayslikedtobebeforethepublic)，andtookastrongpartintheNegroEmancipationquestion。ThenhebecameafriendofMr。Wilberforce’s，whosepoliticsheadmired，andhadthatfamouscorrespondencewiththeReverendSilasHornblower，ontheAshanteeMission。HewasinLondon，ifnotfortheParliamentsession，atleastinMay，forthereligiousmeetings。Inthecountryhewasamagistrate，andanactivevisitorandspeakeramongthosedestituteofreligiousinstruction。HewassaidtobepayinghisaddressestoLadyJaneSheepshanks，LordSouthdown’sthirddaughter，andwhosesister，LadyEmily，wrotethosesweettracts，“TheSailor’sTrueBinnacle。”

and“TheApplewomanofFinchleyCommon。”

MissSharp’saccountsofhisemploymentatQueen’sCrawleywerenotcaricatures。Hesubjectedtheservantstheretothedevotionalexercisesbeforementioned，inwhich(andsomuchthebetter)hebroughthisfathertojoin。HepatronisedanIndependentmeeting-houseinCrawleyparish，muchtotheindignationofhisuncletheRector，andtotheconsequentdelightofSirPitt，whowasinducedtogohimselfonceortwice，whichoccasionedsomeviolentsermonsatCrawleyparishchurch，directedpoint-blankattheBaronet’soldGothicpewthere。HonestSirPitt，however，didnotfeeltheforceofthesediscourses，ashealwaystookhisnapduringsermon-time。

Mr。Crawleywasveryearnest，forthegoodofthenationandoftheChristianworld，thattheoldgentlemanshouldyieldhimuphisplaceinParliament；butthistheelderconstantlyrefusedtodo。Bothwereofcoursetooprudenttogiveupthefifteenhundredayearwhichwasbroughtinbythesecondseat(atthisperiodfilledbyMr。Quadroon，withcarteblancheontheSlavequestion)；

indeedthefamilyestatewasmuchembarrassed，andtheincomedrawnfromtheboroughwasofgreatusetothehouseofQueen’sCrawley。

IthadneverrecoveredtheheavyfineimposeduponWalpoleCrawley，firstbaronet，forpeculationintheTapeandSealingWaxOffice。SirWalpolewasajollyfellow，eagertoseizeandtospendmoney(alieniappetens，suiprofusus，asMr。Crawleywouldremarkwithasigh)，andinhisdaybelovedbyallthecountyfortheconstantdrunkennessandhospitalitywhichwasmaintainedatQueen’sCrawley。Thecellarswerefilledwithburgundythen，thekennelswithhounds，andthestableswithgallanthunters；now，suchhorsesasQueen’sCrawleypossessedwenttoplough，orranintheTrafalgarCoach；

anditwaswithateamoftheseveryhorses，onanoff-

day，thatMissSharpwasbroughttotheHall；forboorashewas，SirPittwasasticklerforhisdignitywhileathome，andseldomdroveoutbutwithfourhorses，andthoughhedinedoffboiledmutton，hadalwaysthreefootmentoserveit。

Ifmereparsimonycouldhavemadeamanrich，SirPittCrawleymighthavebecomeverywealthy——ifhehadbeenanattorneyinacountrytown，withnocapitalbuthisbrains，itisverypossiblethathewouldhaveturnedthemtogoodaccount，andmighthaveachievedforhimselfaveryconsiderableinfluenceandcompetency。

Buthewasunluckilyendowedwithagoodnameandalargethoughencumberedestate，bothofwhichwentrathertoinjurethantoadvancehim。Hehadatasteforlaw，whichcosthimmanythousandsyearly；

andbeingagreatdealtooclevertoberobbed，ashesaid，byanysingleagent，allowedhisaffairstobemismanagedbyadozen，whomheallequallymistrusted。

Hewassuchasharplandlord，thathecouldhardlyfindanybutbankrupttenants；andsuchaclosefarmer，astogrudgealmosttheseedtotheground，whereuponrevengefulNaturegrudgedhimthecropswhichshegrantedtomoreliberalhusbandmen。Hespeculatedineverypossibleway；heworkedmines；boughtcanal-shares；

horsedcoaches；tookgovernmentcontracts，andwasthebusiestmanandmagistrateofhiscounty。Ashewouldnotpayhonestagentsathisgranitequarry，hehadthesatisfactionoffindingthatfouroverseersranaway，andtookfortuneswiththemtoAmerica。Forwantofproperprecautions，hiscoal-minesfilledwithwater：

thegovernmentflunghiscontractofdamagedbeefuponhishands：andforhiscoach-horses，everymailproprietorinthekingdomknewthathelostmorehorsesthananymaninthecountry，fromunderfeedingandbuyingcheap。

Indispositionhewassociable，andfarfrombeingproud；

nay，heratherpreferredthesocietyofafarmerorahorse-dealertothatofagentleman，likemylord，hisson：hewasfondofdrink，ofswearing，ofjokingwiththefarmers’daughters：hewasneverknowntogiveawayashillingortodoagoodaction，butwasofapleasant，sly，laughingmood，andwouldcuthisjokeanddrinkhisglasswithatenantandsellhimupthenextday；

orhavehislaughwiththepoacherhewastransportingwithequalgoodhumour。HispolitenessforthefairsexhasalreadybeenhintedatbyMissRebeccaSharp——inaword，thewholebaronetage，peerage，commonageofEngland，didnotcontainamorecunning，mean，selfish，foolish，disreputableoldman。Thatblood-redhandofSirPittCrawley’swouldbeinanybody’spocketexcepthisown；anditiswithgriefandpain，that，asadmirersoftheBritisharistocracy，wefindourselvesobligedtoadmittheexistenceofsomanyillqualitiesinapersonwhosenameisinDebrett。

OnegreatcausewhyMr。Crawleyhadsuchaholdovertheaffectionsofhisfather，resultedfrommoneyarrangements。TheBaronetowedhissonasumofmoneyoutofthejointureofhismother，whichhedidnotfinditconvenienttopay；indeedhehadanalmostinvinciblerepugnancetopayinganybody，andcouldonlybebroughtbyforcetodischargehisdebts。MissSharpcalculated(forshebecame，asweshallhearspeedily，inductedintomostofthesecretsofthefamily)thatthemerepaymentofhiscreditorscostthehonourableBaronetseveralhundredsyearly；butthiswasadelighthecouldnotforego；hehadasavagepleasureinmakingthepoorwretcheswait，andinshiftingfromcourttocourtandfromtermtotermtheperiodofsatisfaction。What’sthegoodofbeinginParliament，hesaid，ifyoumustpayyourdebts？Hence，indeed，hispositionasasenatorwasnotalittleusefultohim。

VanityFair——VanityFair！Herewasaman，whocouldnotspell，anddidnotcaretoread——whohadthehabitsandthecunningofaboor：whoseaiminlifewaspettifogging：whoneverhadataste，oremotion，orenjoyment，butwhatwassordidandfoul；andyethehadrank，andhonours，andpower，somehow：andwasadignitaryoftheland，andapillarofthestate。Hewashighsheriff，androdeinagoldencoach。Greatministersandstatesmencourtedhim；andinVanityFairhehadahigherplacethanthemostbrilliantgeniusorspotlessvirtue。

SirPitthadanunmarriedhalf-sisterwhoinheritedhermother’slargefortune，andthoughtheBaronetproposedtoborrowthismoneyofheronmortgage，MissCrawleydeclinedtheoffer，andpreferredthesecurityofthefunds。

Shehadsignified，however，herintentionofleavingherinheritancebetweenSirPitt’ssecondsonandthefamilyattheRectory，andhadonceortwicepaidthedebtsofRawdonCrawleyinhiscareeratcollegeandinthearmy。

MissCrawleywas，inconsequence，anobjectofgreatrespectwhenshecametoQueen’sCrawley，forshehadabalanceatherbanker’swhichwouldhavemadeherbelovedanywhere。

Whatadignityitgivesanoldlady，thatbalanceatthebanker’s！Howtenderlywelookatherfaultsifsheisarelative(andmayeveryreaderhaveascoreofsuch)，whatakindgood-naturedoldcreaturewefindher！HowthejuniorpartnerofHobbsandDobbsleadshersmilingtothecarriagewiththelozengeuponit，andthefatwheezycoachman！How，whenshecomestopayusavisit，wegenerallyfindanopportunitytoletourfriendsknowherstationintheworld！Wesay(andwithperfecttruth)IwishIhadMissMacWhirter’ssignaturetoachequeforfivethousandpounds。Shewouldn’tmissit，saysyourwife。Sheismyaunt，sayyou，inaneasycarelessway，whenyourfriendasksifMissMacWhirterisanyrelative。Yourwifeisperpetuallysendingherlittletestimoniesofaffection，yourlittlegirlsworkendlessworstedbaskets，cushions，andfootstoolsforher。Whatagoodfirethereisinherroomwhenshecomestopayyouavisit，althoughyourwifelacesherstayswithoutone！Thehouseduringherstayassumesafestive，neat，warm，jovial，snugappearancenotvisibleatotherseasons。Youyourself，dearsir，forgettogotosleepafterdinner，andfindyourselfallofasudden(thoughyouinvariablylose)veryfondofarubber。Whatgooddinnersyouhave——gameeveryday，Malmsey-Madeira，andnoendoffishfromLondon。Eventheservantsinthekitchenshareinthegeneralprosperity；and，somehow，duringthestayofMissMacWhirter’sfatcoachman，thebeerisgrownmuchstronger，andtheconsumptionofteaandsugarinthenursery(wherehermaidtakeshermeals)isnotregardedintheleast。Isitso，orisitnotso？Iappealtothemiddleclasses。Ah，graciouspowers！

Iwishyouwouldsendmeanoldaunt——amaidenaunt——anauntwithalozengeonhercarriage，andafrontoflightcoffee-colouredhair——howmychildrenshouldworkworkbagsforher，andmyJuliaandIwouldmakehercomfortable！Sweet——sweetvision！Foolish——foolishdream！