第10章

Hewalkedverymodestlybehindthem。Hewasnotwillingtospoilsport。AboutRebeccaandJoshedidnotcareafig。ButhethoughtAmeliaworthyevenofthebrilliantGeorgeOsborne，andashesawthatgood-lookingcouplethreadingthewalkstothegirl’sdelightandwonder，hewatchedherartlesshappinesswithasortoffatherlypleasure。Perhapshefeltthathewouldhavelikedtohavesomethingonhisownarmbesidesashawl(thepeoplelaughedatseeingthegawkyyoungofficercarryingthisfemaleburthen)；butWilliamDobbinwasverylittleaddictedtoselfishcalculationatall；andsolongashisfriendwasenjoyinghimself，howshouldhebediscontented？

Andthetruthis，thatofallthedelightsoftheGardens；ofthehundredthousandextralamps，whichwerealwayslighted；thefiddlersincockedhats，whoplayedravishingmelodiesunderthegildedcockle-shellinthemidstofthegardens；thesingers，bothofcomicandsentimentalballads，whocharmedtheearsthere；thecountrydances，formedbybouncingcockneysandcockneyesses，andexecutedamidstjumping，thumpingandlaughter；thesignalwhichannouncedthatMadameSaquiwasabouttomountskywardonaslack-ropeascendingtothestars；thehermitthatalwayssatintheilluminatedhermitage；thedarkwalks，sofavourabletotheinterviewsofyounglovers；thepotsofstouthandedaboutbythepeopleintheshabbyoldliveries；andthetwinklingboxes，inwhichthehappyfeastersmade-believetoeatslicesofalmostinvisibleham——ofallthesethings，andofthegentleSimpson，thatkindsmilingidiot，who，Idaresay，presidedeventhenovertheplace——CaptainWilliamDobbindidnottaketheslightestnotice。

HecarriedaboutAmelia’swhitecashmereshawl，andhavingattendedunderthegiltcockle-shell，whileMrs。

SalmonperformedtheBattleofBorodino(asavagecantataagainsttheCorsicanupstart，whohadlatelymetwithhisRussianreverses)——Mr。Dobbintriedtohumitashewalkedaway，andfoundhewashumming——thetunewhichAmeliaSedleysangonthestairs，asshecamedowntodinner。

Heburstoutlaughingathimself；forthetruthis，hecouldsingnobetterthananowl。

Itistobeunderstood，asamatterofcourse，thatouryoungpeople，beinginpartiesoftwoandtwo，madethemostsolemnpromisestokeeptogetherduringtheevening，andseparatedintenminutesafterwards。PartiesatVauxhallalwaysdidseparate，but’twasonlytomeetagainatsupper-time，whentheycouldtalkoftheirmutualadventuresintheinterval。

WhatweretheadventuresofMr。OsborneandMissAmelia？Thatisasecret。Butbesureofthis——theywereperfectlyhappy，andcorrectintheirbehaviour；andastheyhadbeeninthehabitofbeingtogetheranytimethesefifteenyears，theirtete-a-teteofferednoparticularnovelty。

ButwhenMissRebeccaSharpandherstoutcompanionlostthemselvesinasolitarywalk，inwhichtherewerenotabovefivescoremoreofcouplessimilarlystraying，theybothfeltthatthesituationwasextremelytenderandcritical，andnoworneverwasthemomentMissSharpthought，toprovokethatdeclarationwhichwastremblingonthetimidlipsofMr。Sedley。TheyhadpreviouslybeentothepanoramaofMoscow，wherearudefellow，treadingonMissSharp’sfoot，causedhertofallbackwithalittleshriekintothearmsofMr。Sedley，andthislittleincidentincreasedthetendernessandconfidenceofthatgentlemantosuchadegree，thathetoldherseveralofhisfavouriteIndianstoriesoveragainfor，atleast，thesixthtime。

“HowIshouldliketoseeIndia！”saidRebecca。

“SHOULDyou？”saidJoseph，withamostkillingtenderness；

andwasnodoubtabouttofollowupthisartfulinterrogatorybyaquestionstillmoretender(forhepuffedandpantedagreatdeal，andRebecca’shand，whichwasplacednearhisheart，couldcountthefeverishpulsationsofthatorgan)，when，oh，provoking！thebellrangforthefireworks，and，agreatscufflingandrunningtakingplace，theseinterestingloverswereobligedtofollowinthestreamofpeople。

CaptainDobbinhadsomethoughtsofjoiningthepartyatsupper：as，intruth，hefoundtheVauxhallamusementsnotparticularlylively——butheparadedtwicebeforetheboxwherethenowunitedcouplesweremet，andnobodytookanynoticeofhim。Coverswerelaidforfour。Thematedpairswereprattlingawayquitehappily，andDobbinknewhewasascleanforgottenasifhehadneverexistedinthisworld。

“Ishouldonlybedetrop。”saidtheCaptain，lookingatthemratherwistfully。”I’dbestgoandtalktothehermit。”——

andsohestrolledoffoutofthehumofmen，andnoise，andclatterofthebanquet，intothedarkwalk，attheendofwhichlivedthatwell-knownpasteboardSolitary。Itwasn’tverygoodfunforDobbin——and，indeed，tobealoneatVauxhall，Ihavefound，frommyownexperience，tobeoneofthemostdismalsportseverenteredintobyabachelor。

Thetwocoupleswereperfectlyhappythenintheirbox：wherethemostdelightfulandintimateconversationtookplace。Joswasinhisglory，orderingaboutthewaiterswithgreatmajesty。Hemadethesalad；anduncorkedtheChampagne；andcarvedthechickens；andateanddrankthegreaterpartoftherefreshmentsonthetables。

Finally，heinsisteduponhavingabowlofrackpunch；

everybodyhadrackpunchatVauxhall。”Waiter，rackpunch。”

Thatbowlofrackpunchwasthecauseofallthishistory。Andwhynotabowlofrackpunchaswellasanyothercause？WasnotabowlofprussicacidthecauseofFairRosamond’sretiringfromtheworld？WasnotabowlofwinethecauseofthedemiseofAlexandertheGreat，or，atleast，doesnotDr。Lemprieresayso？——sodidthisbowlofrackpunchinfluencethefatesofalltheprincipalcharactersinthis“NovelwithoutaHero。”whichwearenowrelating。Itinfluencedtheirlife，althoughmostofthemdidnottasteadropofit。

Theyoungladiesdidnotdrinkit；Osbornedidnotlikeit；andtheconsequencewasthatJos，thatfatgourmand，drankupthewholecontentsofthebowl；

andtheconsequenceofhisdrinkingupthewholecontentsofthebowlwasalivelinesswhichatfirstwasastonishing，andthenbecamealmostpainful；forhetalkedandlaughedsoloudastobringscoresoflistenersroundthebox，muchtotheconfusionoftheinnocentpartywithinit；and，volunteeringtosingasong(whichhedidinthatmaudlinhighkeypeculiartogentlemeninaninebriatedstate)，healmostdrewawaytheaudiencewhoweregatheredroundthemusiciansinthegiltscollop-shell，andreceivedfromhishearersagreatdealofapplause。

“Brayvo，Fatun！”saidone；“Angcore，DanielLambert！”

saidanother；“Whatafigureforthetight-rope！”

exclaimedanotherwag，totheinexpressiblealarmoftheladies，andthegreatangerofMr。Osborne。

“ForHeaven’ssake，Jos，letusgetupandgo。”criedthatgentleman，andtheyoungwomenrose。

“Stop，mydearestdiddle-diddle-darling。”shoutedJos，nowasboldasalion，andclaspingMissRebeccaroundthewaist。Rebeccastarted，butshecouldnotgetawayherhand。Thelaughteroutsideredoubled。Joscontinuedtodrink，tomakelove，andtosing；and，winkingandwavinghisglassgracefullytohisaudience，challengedalloranytocomeinandtakeashareofhispunch。

Mr。Osbornewasjustonthepointofknockingdownagentlemanintop-boots，whoproposedtotakeadvantageofthisinvitation，andacommotionseemedtobeinevitable，whenbythegreatestgoodluckagentlemanofthenameofDobbin，whohadbeenwalkingaboutthegardens，steppeduptothebox。”Beoff，youfools！”saidthisgentleman——shoulderingoffagreatnumberofthecrowd，whovanishedpresentlybeforehiscockedhatandfierceappearance——andheenteredtheboxinamostagitatedstate。

“GoodHeavens！Dobbin，wherehaveyoubeen？”0sbornesaid，seizingthewhitecashmereshawlfromhisfriend’sarm，andhuddlingupAmeliainit——“Makeyourselfuseful，andtakechargeofJoshere，whilstI

taketheladiestothecarriage。”

Joswasforrisingtointerfere——butasinglepushfromOsborne’sfingersenthimpuffingbackintohisseatagain，andthelieutenantwasenabledtoremovetheladiesinsafety。Joskissedhishandtothemastheyretreated，andhiccuppedout“Blessyou！Blessyou！”Then，seizingCaptainDobbin’shand，andweepinginthemostpitifulway，heconfidedtothatgentlemanthesecretofhisloves。Headoredthatgirlwhohadjustgoneout；hehadbrokenherheart，heknewhehad，byhisconduct；hewouldmarryhernextmorningatSt。George’s，HanoverSquare；he’dknockuptheArchbishopofCanterburyatLambeth：hewould，byJove！andhavehiminreadiness；and，actingonthishint，CaptainDobbinshrewdlyinducedhimtoleavethegardensandhastentoLambethPalace，and，whenonceoutofthegates，easilyconveyedMr。JosSedleyintoahackney-coach，whichdepositedhimsafelyathislodgings。

GeorgeOsborneconductedthegirlshomeinsafety：

andwhenthedoorwascloseduponthem，andashewalkedacrossRussellSquare，laughedsoastoastonishthewatchman。Amelialookedveryruefullyatherfriend，astheywentupstairs，andkissedher，andwenttobedwithoutanymoretalking。

“Hemustproposeto-morrow。”thoughtRebecca。”Hecalledmehissoul’sdarling，fourtimes；hesqueezedmyhandinAmelia’spresence。Hemustproposeto-morrow。”

AndsothoughtAmelia，too。AndIdaresayshethoughtofthedressshewastowearasbridesmaid，andofthepresentswhichsheshouldmaketohernicelittlesister-in-

law，andofasubsequentceremonyinwhichsheherselfmightplayaprincipalpart，&c。，and&c。，and&c。，and&c。

Oh，ignorantyoungcreatures！Howlittledoyouknowtheeffectofrackpunch！Whatistherackinthepunch，atnight，totherackintheheadofamorning？TothistruthIcanvouchasaman；thereisnoheadacheintheworldlikethatcausedbyVauxhallpunch。Throughthelapseoftwentyyears，Icanremembertheconsequenceoftwoglasses！ twowine-glasses！ buttwo，uponthehonourofagentleman；andJosephSedley，whohadalivercomplaint，hadswallowedatleastaquartoftheabominablemixture。

Thatnextmorning，whichRebeccathoughtwastodawnuponherfortune，foundSedleygroaninginagonieswhichthepenrefusestodescribe。Soda-waterwasnotinventedyet。Smallbeer——willitbebelieved！——wastheonlydrinkwithwhichunhappygentlemensoothedthefeveroftheirpreviousnight’spotation。Withthismildbeveragebeforehim，GeorgeOsbornefoundtheex-

CollectorofBoggleyWollahgroaningonthesofaathislodgings。Dobbinwasalreadyintheroom，good-

naturedlytendinghispatientofthenightbefore。Thetwoofficers，lookingattheprostrateBacchanalian，andaskanceateachother，exchangedthemostfrightfulsympatheticgrins。EvenSedley’svalet，themostsolemnandcorrectofgentlemen，withthemutenessandgravityofanundertaker，couldhardlykeephiscountenanceinorder，ashelookedathisunfortunatemaster。

“Mr。Sedleywasuncommonwildlastnight，sir。”hewhisperedinconfidencetoOsborne，asthelattermountedthestair。”Hewantedtofightthe’ackney-coachman，sir。

TheCaptingwasobligedtobringhimupstairsinhisharmslikeababby。”AmomentarysmileflickeredoverMr。Brush’sfeaturesashespoke；instantly，however，theyrelapsedintotheirusualunfathomablecalm，asheflungopenthedrawing-roomdoor，andannounced“Mr。

Hosbin。”

“Howareyou，Sedley？”thatyoungwagbegan，aftersurveyinghisvictim。”Nobonesbroke？There’sahackney-coachmandownstairswithablackeye，andatied-uphead，vowinghe’llhavethelawofyou。”

“Whatdoyoumean——law？”Sedleyfaintlyasked。

“Forthrashinghimlastnight——didn’the，Dobbin？Youhitout，sir，likeMolyneux。Thewatchmansaysheneversawafellowgodownsostraight。AskDobbin。”

“YouDIDhavearoundwiththecoachman。”CaptainDobbinsaid，“andshowedplentyoffighttoo。”

“AndthatfellowwiththewhitecoatatVauxhall！HowJosdroveathim！Howthewomenscreamed！ByJove，sir，itdidmyheartgoodtoseeyou。Ithoughtyoucivilianshadnopluck；butI’llnevergetinyourwaywhenyouareinyourcups，Jos。”

“IbelieveI’mveryterrible，whenI’mroused。”

ejaculatedJosfromthesofa，andmadeagrimacesodrearyandludicrous，thattheCaptain’spolitenesscouldrestrainhimnolonger，andheandOsbornefiredoffaringingvolleyoflaughter。

Osbornepursuedhisadvantagepitilessly。HethoughtJosamilksop。HehadbeenrevolvinginhismindthemarriagequestionpendingbetweenJosandRebecca，andwasnotoverwellpleasedthatamemberofafamilyintowhichhe，GeorgeOsborne，ofthe——th，wasgoingtomarry，shouldmakeamesalliancewithalittlenobody——alittleupstartgoverness。”Youhit，youpooroldfellow！”saidOsborne。”Youterrible！Why，man，youcouldn’tstand——youmadeeverybodylaughintheGardens，thoughyouwerecryingyourself。Youweremaudlin，Jos。Don’tyouremembersingingasong？”