第8章

“YouCAN’T？”saysMr。Cuff，layingholdofthatdocument(inwhichmanywordswerescratchedout，manyweremis-spelt，onwhichhadbeenspentIdon’tknowhowmuchthought，andlabour，andtears；forthepoorfellowwaswritingtohismother，whowasfondofhim，althoughshewasagrocer’swife，andlivedinabackparlourinThamesStreet)。”YouCAN’T？”saysMr。Cuff：

“Ishouldliketoknowwhy，pray？Can’tyouwritetooldMotherFigsto-morrow？”

“Don’tcallnames。”Dobbinsaid，gettingoffthebenchverynervous。

“Well，sir，willyougo？”crowedthecockoftheschool。

“Putdowntheletter。”Dobbinreplied；“nogentlemanreadthletterth。”

“Well，NOWwillyougo？”saystheother。

“No，Iwon’t。Don’tstrike，orI’llTHMASHyou。”roarsoutDobbin，springingtoaleadeninkstand，andlookingsowicked，thatMr。Cuffpaused，turneddownhiscoatsleevesagain，puthishandsintohispockets，andwalkedawaywithasneer。Buthenevermeddled。personallywiththegrocer’sboyafterthat；thoughwemustdohimthejusticetosayhealwaysspokeofMr。Dobbinwithcon-

temptbehindhisback。

Sometimeafterthisinterview，ithappenedthatMr。

Cuff，onasunshinyafternoon，wasintheneighbourhoodofpoorWilliamDobbin，whowaslyingunderatreeintheplayground，spellingoverafavouritecopyoftheArabianNightswhichhehadapartfromtherestoftheschool，whowerepursuingtheirvarioussports——quitelonely，andalmosthappy。Ifpeoplewouldbutleavechildrentothemselves；ifteacherswouldceasetobullythem；ifparentswouldnotinsistupondirectingtheirthoughts，anddominatingtheirfeelings——thosefeelingsandthoughtswhichareamysterytoall(forhowmuchdoyouandIknowofeachother，ofourchildren，ofourfathers，ofourneighbour，andhowfarmorebeautifulandsacredarethethoughtsofthepoorladorgirlwhomyougovernlikelytobe，thanthoseofthedullandworld-

corruptedpersonwhoruleshim？)——if，Isay，parentsandmasterswouldleavetheirchildrenalonealittlemore，smallharmwouldaccrue，althoughalessquantityofasinpraesentimightbeacquired。

Well，WilliamDobbinhadforonceforgottentheworld，andwasawaywithSindbadtheSailorintheValleyofDiamonds，orwithPrinceAhmedandtheFairyPeribanouinthatdelightfulcavernwherethePrincefoundher，andwhitherweshouldallliketomakeatour；whenshrillcries，asofalittlefellowweeping，wokeuphispleasantreverie；andlookingup，hesawCuffbeforehim，belabouringalittleboy。

Itwastheladwhohadpeacheduponhimaboutthegrocer’scart；butheborelittlemalice，notatleasttowardstheyoungandsmall。”Howdareyou，sir，breakthebottle？”saysCufftothelittleurchin，swingingayellowcricket-stumpoverhim。

Theboyhadbeeninstructedtogetovertheplaygroundwall(ataselectedspotwherethebrokenglasshadbeenremovedfromthetop，andnichesmadeconvenientinthebrick)；torunaquarterofamile；topurchaseapintofrum-shruboncredit；tobravealltheDoctor’soutlyingspies，andtoclamberbackintotheplaygroundagain；

duringtheperformanceofwhichfeat，hisfoothadslipt，andthebottlewasbroken，andtheshrubhadbeenspilt，andhispantaloonshadbeendamaged，andheappearedbeforehisemployeraperfectlyguiltyandtrembling，thoughharmless，wretch。

“Howdareyou，sir，breakit？”saysCuff；“youblunderinglittlethief。Youdranktheshrub，andnowyoupretendtohavebrokenthebottle。Holdoutyourhand，sir。”

Downcamethestumpwithagreatheavythumponthechild’shand。Amoanfollowed。Dobbinlookedup。

TheFairyPeribanouhadfledintotheinmostcavernwithPrinceAhmed：theRochadwhiskedawaySindbadtheSailoroutoftheValleyofDiamondsoutofsight，farintotheclouds：andtherewaseverydaylifebeforehonestWilliam；andabigboybeatingalittleonewithoutcause。

“Holdoutyourotherhand，sir。”roarsCufftohislittleschoolfellow，whosefacewasdistortedwithpain。

Dobbinquivered，andgatheredhimselfupinhisnarrowoldclothes。

“Takethat，youlittledevil！”criedMr。Cuff，anddowncamethewicketagainonthechild’shand——Don’tbehorrified，ladies，everyboyatapublicschoolhasdoneit。

Yourchildrenwillsodoandbedoneby，inallprobability。Downcamethewicketagain；andDobbinstartedup。

Ican’ttellwhathismotivewas。TortureinapublicschoolisasmuchlicensedastheknoutinRussia。Itwouldbeungentlemanlike(inamanner)toresistit。

PerhapsDobbin’sfoolishsoulrevoltedagainstthatexerciseoftyranny；orperhapshehadahankeringfeelingofrevengeinhismind，andlongedtomeasurehimselfagainstthatsplendidbullyandtyrant，whohadalltheglory，pride，pomp，circumstance，bannersflying，drumsbeating，guardssaluting，intheplace。Whatevermayhavebeenhisincentive，however，uphesprang，andscreamedout，“Holdoff，Cuff；don’tbullythatchildanymore；orI’ll——“

“Oryou’llwhat？”Cuffaskedinamazementatthisinterruption。”Holdoutyourhand，youlittlebeast。”

“I’llgiveyoutheworstthrashingyoueverhadinyourlife。”Dobbinsaid，inreplytothefirstpartofCuff’ssentence；andlittleOsborne，gaspingandintears，lookedupwithwonderandincredulityatseeingthisamazingchampionputupsuddenlytodefendhim：whileCuff’sastonishmentwasscarcelyless。FancyourlatemonarchGeorgeIIIwhenheheardoftherevoltoftheNorthAmericancolonies：fancybrazenGoliathwhenlittleDavidsteppedforwardandclaimedameeting；andyouhavethefeelingsofMr。ReginaldCuffwhenthisrencontrewasproposedtohim。

“Afterschool。”sayshe，ofcourse；afterapauseandalook，asmuchastosay，“Makeyourwill，andcommunicateyourlastwishestoyourfriendsbetweenthistimeandthat。”

“Asyouplease。”Dobbinsaid。”Youmustbemybottleholder，Osborne。”

“Well，ifyoulike。”littleOsbornereplied；foryouseehispapakeptacarriage，andhewasratherashamedofhischampion。

Yes，whenthehourofbattlecame，hewasalmostashamedtosay，“Goit，Figs“；andnotasingleotherboyintheplaceutteredthatcryforthefirsttwoorthreeroundsofthisfamouscombat；atthecommencementofwhichthescientificCuff，withacontemptuoussmileonhisface，andaslightandasgayasifhewasataball，plantedhisblowsuponhisadversary，andflooredthatunluckychampionthreetimesrunning。Ateachfalltherewasacheer；andeverybodywasanxioustohavethehonourofofferingtheconqueroraknee。

“WhatalickingIshallgetwhenit’sover。”youngOsbornethought，pickinguphisman。”You’dbestgivein。”

hesaidtoDobbin；“it’sonlyathrashing，Figs，andyouknowI’musedtoit。”ButFigs，allwhoselimbswereinaquiver，andwhosenostrilswerebreathingrage，puthislittlebottle-holderaside，andwentinforafourthtime。

Ashedidnotintheleastknowhowtoparrytheblowsthatwereaimedathimself，andCuffhadbeguntheattackonthethreeprecedingoccasions，withouteverallowinghisenemytostrike，Figsnowdeterminedthathewouldcommencetheengagementbyachargeonhisownpart；andaccordingly，beingaleft-handedman，broughtthatarmintoaction，andhitoutacoupleoftimeswithallhismight——onceatMr。Cuff’slefteye，andonceonhisbeautifulRomannose。

Cuffwentdownthistime，totheastonishmentoftheassembly。”Wellhit，byJove。”sayslittleOsborne，withtheairofaconnoisseur，clappinghismanontheback。

“Giveithimwiththeleft，Figsmyboy。”

Figs’sleftmadeterrificplayduringalltherestofthecombat。Cuffwentdowneverytime。Atthesixthround，therewerealmostasmanyfellowsshoutingout，“Goit，Figs。”astherewereyouthsexclaiming，“Goit，Cuff。”Atthetwelfthroundthelatterchampionwasallabroad，asthesayingis，andhadlostallpresenceofmindandpowerofattackordefence。Figs，onthecontrary，wasascalmasaquaker。Hisfacebeingquitepale，hiseyesshiningopen，andagreatcutonhisunderlipbleedingprofusely，gavethisyoungfellowafierceandghastlyair，whichperhapsstruckterrorintomanyspectators。Nevertheless，hisintrepidadversarypreparedtocloseforthethirteenthtime。

IfIhadthepenofaNapier，oraBell’sLife，Ishouldliketodescribethiscombatproperly。ItwasthelastchargeoftheGuard——(thatis，itwouldhavebeen，onlyWaterloohadnotyettakenplace)——itwasNey’scolumnbreastingthehillofLaHayeSainte，bristlingwithtenthousandbayonets，andcrownedwithtwentyeagles——itwastheshoutofthebeef-eatingBritish，asleapingdownthehilltheyrushedtohugtheenemyinthesavagearmsofbattle——inotherwords，Cuffcomingupfullofpluck，butquitereelingandgroggy，theFig-merchantputinhisleftasusualonhisadversary’snose，andsenthimdownforthelasttime。

“Ithinkthatwilldoforhim。”Figssaid，ashisopponentdroppedasneatlyonthegreenasIhaveseenJackSpot’sballplumpintothepocketatbilliards；andthefactis，whentimewascalled，Mr。ReginaldCuffwasnotable，ordidnotchoose，tostandupagain。

AndnowalltheboyssetupsuchashoutforFigsaswouldhavemadeyouthinkhehadbeentheirdarlingchampionthroughthewholebattle；andasabsolutelybroughtDr。Swishtailoutofhisstudy，curioustoknowthecauseoftheuproar。HethreatenedtoflogFigsviolently，ofcourse；butCuff，whohadcometohimselfbythistime，andwaswashinghiswounds，stoodupandsaid，“It’smyfault，sir——notFigs’——notDobbin’s。Iwasbullyingalittleboy；andheservedmeright。”Bywhichmagnanimousspeechhenotonlysavedhisconquerorawhipping，butgotbackallhisascendancyovertheboyswhichhisdefeathadnearlycosthim。

YoungOsbornewrotehometohisparentsanaccountofthetransaction。

SugarcaneHouse，Richmond，March，18——

DEARMAMA，——Ihopeyouarequitewell。Ishouldbemuchobligedtoyoutosendmeacakeandfiveshillings。

TherehasbeenafightherebetweenCuff&Dobbin。

Cuff，youknow，wastheCockoftheSchool。Theyfoughtthirteenrounds，andDobbinLicked。SoCuffisnowOnlySecondCock。Thefightwasaboutme。Cuffwaslickingmeforbreakingabottleofmilk，andFigswouldn’tstandit。WecallhimFigsbecausehisfatherisaGrocer——Figs&Rudge，ThamesSt。，City——IthinkashefoughtformeyououghttobuyyourTea&Sugarathisfather’s。CuffgoeshomeeverySaturday，butcan’tthis，becausehehas2BlackEyes。HehasawhitePonytocomeandfetchhim，andagroominliveryonabaymare。IwishmyPapawouldletmehaveaPony，andI

amYourdutifulSon，GEORGESEDLEYOSBORNE

P。S——GivemylovetolittleEmmy。IamcuttingheroutaCoachincardboard。Pleasenotaseed-cake，butaplum-cake。

InconsequenceofDobbin’svictory，hischaracterroseprodigiouslyintheestimationofallhisschoolfellows，andthenameofFigs，whichhadbeenabywordofreproach，becameasrespectableandpopularanicknameasanyotherinuseintheschool。”Afterall，it’snothisfaultthathisfather’sagrocer。”GeorgeOsbornesaid，who，thoughalittlechap，hadaveryhighpopularityamongtheSwishtailyouth；andhisopinionwasreceivedwithgreatapplause。ItwasvotedlowtosneeratDobbinaboutthisaccidentofbirth。”OldFigs“grewtobeanameofkindnessandendearment；andthesneakofanusherjeeredathimnolonger。

AndDobbin’sspiritrosewithhisalteredcircumstances。

Hemadewonderfuladvancesinscholasticlearning。ThesuperbCuffhimself，atwhosecondescensionDobbincouldonlyblushandwonder，helpedhimonwithhisLatinverses；“coached“himinplay-hours：carriedhimtriumphantlyoutofthelittle-boyclassintothemiddle-

sizedform；andeventheregotafairplaceforhim。Itwasdiscovered，thatalthoughdullatclassicallearning，atmathematicshewasuncommonlyquick。Tothecontentmentofallhepassedthirdinalgebra，andgotaFrenchprize-bookatthepublicMidsummerexamination。

Youshouldhaveseenhismother’sfacewhenTelemaque(thatdeliciousromance)waspresentedtohimbytheDoctorinthefaceofthewholeschoolandtheparentsandcompany，withaninscriptiontoGulielmoDobbin。Alltheboysclappedhandsintokenofapplauseandsympathy。Hisblushes，hisstumbles，hisawkwardness，andthenumberoffeetwhichhecrushedashewentbacktohisplace，whoshalldescribeorcalculate？OldDobbin，hisfather，whonowrespectedhimforthefirsttime，gavehimtwoguineaspublicly；mostofwhichhespentinageneraltuck-outfortheschool：andhecamebackinatail-coataftertheholidays。