第14章

andso，takingMr。Crawley’sarm，sheledthewaytothedining-room，whitherIfollowedwithmylittlepupilsineachhand。

SirPittwasalreadyintheroomwithasilverjug。Hehadjustbeentothecellar，andwasinfulldresstoo；

thatis，hehadtakenhisgaitersoff，andshowedhislittledumpylegsinblackworstedstockings。Thesideboardwascoveredwithglisteningoldplate——oldcups，bothgoldandsilver；oldsalversandcruet-stands，likeRundellandBridge’sshop。Everythingonthetablewasinsilvertoo，andtwofootmen，withredhairandcanary-

colouredliveries，stoodoneithersideofthesideboard。

Mr。Crawleysaidalonggrace，andSirPittsaidamen，andthegreatsilverdish-coverswereremoved。

“Whathavewefordinner，Betsy？’saidtheBaronet。

“Muttonbroth，Ibelieve，SirPitt。”answeredLadyCrawley。

“Moutonauxnavets。”addedthebutlergravely(pronounce，ifyouplease，moutongonavvy)；“andthesoupispotagedemoutonal’Ecossaise。Theside-dishescontainpommesdeterreaunaturel，andchoufleural’eau。”

“Mutton’smutton。”saidtheBaronet，“andadevilishgoodthing。WhatSHIPwasit，Horrocks，andwhendidyoukill？”

“Oneoftheblack-facedScotch，SirPitt：wekilledonThursday。

“Whotookany？”

“Steel，ofMudbury，tookthesaddleandtwolegs，SirPitt；buthesaysthelastwastooyoungandconfoundedwoolly，SirPitt。”

“Willyoutakesomepotage，Missah——MissBlunt？

saidMr。Crawley。

“CapitalScotchbroth，mydear。”saidSirPitt，“thoughtheycallitbyaFrenchname。”

“Ibelieveitisthecustom，sir，indecentsociety。”saidMr。Crawley，haughtily，“tocallthedishasIhavecalledit“；anditwasservedtousonsilversoupplatesbythefootmeninthecanarycoats，withthemoutonauxnavets。Then“aleandwater“werebrought，andservedtousyoungladiesinwine-glasses。Iamnotajudgeofale，butIcansaywithaclearconscienceIpreferwater。

Whilewewereenjoyingourrepast，SirPitttookoccasiontoaskwhathadbecomeoftheshouldersofthemutton。

“Ibelievetheywereeatenintheservants’hall。”saidmylady，humbly。

“Theywas，mylady。”saidHorrocks，“andpreciouslittleelsewegetthereneither。”

SirPittburstintoahorse-laugh，andcontinuedhisconversationwithMr。Horrocks。”ThattherelittleblackpigoftheKentsow’sbreedmustbeuncommonfatnow。”

“It’snotquitebusting，SirPitt。”saidthebutlerwiththegravestair，atwhichSirPitt，andwithhimtheyoungladies，thistime，begantolaughviolently。

“MissCrawley，MissRoseCrawley。”saidMr。Crawley。”yourlaughterstrikesmeasbeingexceedinglyoutofplace。”

“Nevermind，mylord。”saidtheBaronet，“we’lltrytheporkeronSaturday。KillunonSaturdaymorning，JohnHorrocks。MissSharpadorespork，don’tyou，MissSharp？”

AndIthinkthisisalltheconversationthatIrememberatdinner。WhentherepastwasconcludedajugofhotwaterwasplacedbeforeSirPitt，withacase-bottlecontaining，Ibelieve，rum。Mr。Horrocksservedmyselfandmypupilswiththreelittleglassesofwine，andabumperwaspouredoutformylady。Whenweretired，shetookfromherwork-draweranenormousinterminablepieceofknitting；theyoungladiesbegantoplayatcribbagewithadirtypackofcards。Wehadbutonecandlelighted，butitwasinamagnificentoldsilvercandlestick，andafteraveryfewquestionsfrommylady，Ihadmychoiceofamusementbetweenavolumeofsermons，andapamphletonthecorn-laws，whichMr。

Crawleyhadbeenreadingbeforedinner。

Sowesatforanhouruntilstepswereheard。

“Putawaythecards，girls。”criedmylady，inagreattremor；“putdownMr。Crawley’sbooks，MissSharp“；

andtheseordershadbeenscarcelyobeyed，whenMr。

Crawleyenteredtheroom。

“Wewillresumeyesterday’sdiscourse，youngladies。”

saidhe，“andyoushalleachreadapagebyturns；sothatMissa——MissShortmayhaveanopportunityofhearingyou“；andthepoorgirlsbegantospellalongdismalsermondeliveredatBethesdaChapel，Liverpool，onbehalfofthemissionfortheChickasawIndians。

Wasitnotacharmingevening？

AttentheservantsweretoldtocallSirPittandthehouseholdtoprayers。SirPittcameinfirst，verymuchflushed，andratherunsteadyinhisgait；andafterhimthebutler，thecanaries，Mr。Crawley’sman，threeothermen，smellingverymuchofthestable，andfourwomen，oneofwhom，Iremarked，wasverymuchoverdressed，andwhoflungmealookofgreatscornassheplumpeddownonherknees。

AfterMr。Crawleyhaddoneharanguingandexpounding，wereceivedourcandles，andthenwewenttobed；andthenIwasdisturbedinmywriting，asIhavedescribedtomydearestsweetestAmelia。

Goodnight。Athousand，thousand，thousandkisses！

Saturday——Thismorning，atfive，Iheardtheshriekingofthelittleblackpig。RoseandVioletintroducedmetoityesterday；andtothestables，andtothekennel，andtothegardener，whowaspickingfruittosendtomarket，andfromwhomtheybeggedhardabunchofhot-housegrapes；buthesaidthatSirPitthadnumberedevery“ManJack“ofthem，anditwouldbeasmuchashisplacewasworthtogiveanyaway。Thedarlinggirlscaughtacoltinapaddock，andaskedmeifIwouldride，andbegantoridethemselves，whenthegroom，comingwithhorridoaths，drovethemaway。

LadyCrawleyisalwaysknittingtheworsted。SirPittisalwaystipsy，everynight；and，Ibelieve，sitswithHorrocks，thebutler。Mr。Crawleyalwaysreadssermonsintheevening，andinthemorningislockedupinhisstudy，orelseridestoMudbury，oncountybusiness，ortoSquashmore，wherehepreaches，onWednesdaysandFridays，tothetenantsthere。

Ahundredthousandgratefullovestoyourdearpapaandmamma。Isyourpoorbrotherrecoveredofhisrack-

punch？Oh，dear！Oh，dear！Howmenshouldbewareofwickedpunch！

EverandeverthineownREBECCA

Everythingconsidered，IthinkitisquiteaswellforourdearAmeliaSedley，inRussellSquare，thatMissSharpandsheareparted。Rebeccaisadrollfunnycreature，tobesure；andthosedescriptionsofthepoorladyweepingforthelossofherbeauty，andthegentleman“withhay-colouredwhiskersandstraw-colouredhair。”

areverysmart，doubtless，andshowagreatknowledgeoftheworld。Thatshemight，whenonherknees，havebeenthinkingofsomethingbetterthanMissHorrocks’sribbons，haspossiblystruckbothofus。Butmykindreaderwillpleasetorememberthatthishistoryhas“VanityFair“foratitle，andthatVanityFairisaveryvain，wicked，foolishplace，fullofallsortsofhumbugsandfalsenessesandpretensions。Andwhilethemoralist，whoisholdingforthonthecover(anaccurateportraitofyourhumbleservant)，professestowearneithergownnorbands，butonlytheverysamelong-

earedliveryinwhichhiscongregationisarrayed：yet，lookyou，oneisboundtospeakthetruthasfarasoneknowsit，whetheronemountsacapandbellsorashovelhat；andadealofdisagreeablemattermustcomeoutinthecourseofsuchanundertaking。

Ihaveheardabrotherofthestory-tellingtrade，atNaples，preachingtoapackofgood-for-nothinghonestlazyfellowsbythesea-shore，workhimselfupintosucharageandpassionwithsomeofthevillainswhosewickeddeedshewasdescribingandinventing，thattheaudiencecouldnotresistit；andtheyandthepoettogetherwouldburstoutintoaroarofoathsandexecrationsagainstthefictitiousmonsterofthetale，sothatthehatwentround，andthebajocchitumbledintoit，inthemidstofaperfectstormofsympathy。

AtthelittleParistheatres，ontheotherhand，youwillnotonlyhearthepeopleyellingout“Ahgredin！Ahmonstre：“andcursingthetyrantoftheplayfromtheboxes；buttheactorsthemselvespositivelyrefusetoplaythewickedparts，suchasthoseofinfamesAnglais，brutalCossacks，andwhatnot，andprefertoappearatasmallersalary，intheirrealcharactersasloyalFrenchmen。Isetthetwostoriesoneagainsttheother，sothatyoumayseethatitisnotfrommeremercenarymotivesthatthepresentperformerisdesiroustoshowupandtrouncehisvillains；butbecausehehasasincerehatredofthem，whichhecannotkeepdown，andwhichmustfindaventinsuitableabuseandbadlanguage。

Iwarnmy“kyindfriends。”then，thatIamgoingtotellastoryofharrowingvillainyandcomplicated——but，asItrust，intenselyinteresting——crime。Myrascalsarenomilk-and-waterrascals，Ipromiseyou。Whenwecometotheproperplaceswewon’tsparefinelanguage——No，no！Butwhenwearegoingoverthequietcountrywemustperforcebecalm。Atempestinaslop-basinisabsurd。Wewillreservethatsortofthingforthemightyoceanandthelonelymidnight。ThepresentChapterisverymild。Others——ButwewillnotanticipateTHOSE。

And，aswebringourcharactersforward，Iwillaskleave，asamanandabrother，notonlytointroducethem，butoccasionallytostepdownfromtheplatform，andtalkaboutthem：iftheyaregoodandkindly，tolovethemandshakethembythehand：iftheyaresilly，tolaughatthemconfidentiallyinthereader’ssleeve：

iftheyarewickedandheartless，toabusetheminthestrongesttermswhichpolitenessadmitsof。

OtherwiseyoumightfancyitwasIwhowassneeringatthepracticeofdevotion，whichMissSharpfindssoridiculous；thatitwasIwholaughedgood-humouredlyatthereelingoldSilenusofabaronet——whereasthelaughtercomesfromonewhohasnoreverenceexceptforprosperity，andnoeyeforanythingbeyondsuccess。

Suchpeopletherearelivingandflourishingintheworld——Faithless，Hopeless，Charityless：letushaveatthem，dearfriends，withmightandmain。Somethereare，andverysuccessfultoo，merequacksandfools：anditwastocombatandexposesuchasthose，nodoubt，thatLaughterwasmade。

CHAPTERIX

FamilyPortraitsSirPittCrawleywasaphilosopherwithatasteforwhatiscalledlowlife。HisfirstmarriagewiththedaughterofthenobleBinkiehadbeenmadeundertheauspicesofhisparents；andasheoftentoldLadyCrawleyinherlifetimeshewassuchaconfoundedquarrelsomehigh-bredjadethatwhenshediedhewashangedifhewouldevertakeanotherofhersort，atherladyship’sdemisehekepthispromise，andselectedforasecondwifeMissRoseDawson，daughterofMr。JohnThomasDawson，ironmonger，ofMudbury。

WhatahappywomanwasRosetobemyLadyCrawley！

Letussetdowntheitemsofherhappiness。Inthefirstplace，shegaveupPeterButt，ayoungmanwhokeptcompanywithher，andinconsequenceofhisdisappointmentinlove，tooktosmuggling，poaching，andathousandotherbadcourses。Thenshequarrelled，asindutybound，withallthefriendsandintimatesofheryouth，who，ofcourse，couldnotbereceivedbymyLadyatQueen’sCrawley——nordidshefindinhernewrankandabodeanypersonswhowerewillingtowelcomeher。

Whoeverdid？SirHuddlestonFuddlestonhadthreedaughterswhoallhopedtobeLadyCrawley。SirGilesWapshot’sfamilywereinsultedthatoneoftheWapshotgirlshadnotthepreferenceinthemarriage，andtheremainingbaronetsofthecountywereindignantattheircomrade’smisalliance。Nevermindthecommoners，whomwewillleavetogrumbleanonymously。

SirPittdidnotcare，ashesaid，abrassfardenforanyoneofthem。HehadhisprettyRose，andwhatmoreneedamanrequirethantopleasehimself？Soheusedtogetdrunkeverynight：tobeathisprettyRosesometimes：toleaveherinHampshirewhenhewenttoLondonfortheparliamentarysession，withoutasinglefriendinthewideworld。EvenMrs。ButeCrawley，theRector’swife，refusedtovisither，asshesaidshewouldnevergivethepastoatradesman’sdaughter。

AstheonlyendowmentswithwhichNaturehadgiftedLadyCrawleywerethoseofpinkcheeksandawhiteskin，andasshehadnosortofcharacter，nortalents，noropinions，noroccupations，noramusements，northatvigourofsoulandferocityoftemperwhichoftenfallstothelotofentirelyfoolishwomen，herholduponSirPitt’saffectionswasnotverygreat。Herrosesfadedoutofhercheeks，andtheprettyfreshnessleftherfigureafterthebirthofacoupleofchildren，andshebecameameremachineinherhusband’shouseofnomoreusethanthelateLadyCrawley’sgrandpiano。Beingalight-

complexionedwoman，sheworelightclothes，asmostblondeswill，andappeared，inpreference，indraggledsea-

green，orslatternlysky-blue。Sheworkedthatworsteddayandnight，orotherpieceslikeit。ShehadcounterpanesinthecourseofafewyearstoallthebedsinCrawley。Shehadasmallflower-garden，forwhichshehadratheranaffection；butbeyondthisnootherlikeordisliking。Whenherhusbandwasrudetohershewasapathetic：wheneverhestruckhershecried。Shehadnotcharacterenoughtotaketodrinking，andmoanedabout，slipshodandincurl-papersallday。0VanityFair