第4章

Josephstillcontinuedahugeclatteringatthepokerandtongs，puffingandblowingthewhile，andturningasredashisyellowfacewouldallowhim。”Ican’tmakeyousuchhandsomepresents，Joseph。”continuedhissister，“butwhileIwasatschool，Ihaveembroideredforyouaverybeautifulpairofbraces。”

“GoodGad！Amelia。”criedthebrother，inseriousalarm，“whatdoyoumean？”andplungingwithallhismightatthebell-rope，thatarticleoffurniturecameawayinhishand，andincreasedthehonestfellow’sconfusion。”Forheaven’ssakeseeifmybuggy’satthedoor。ICAN’Twait。Imustgo。D——thatgroomofmine。

Imustgo。”

Atthisminutethefatherofthefamilywalkedin，rattlinghissealslikeatrueBritishmerchant。”What’sthematter，Emmy？”sayshe。

“Josephwantsmetoseeifhis——hisbuggyisatthedoor。Whatisabuggy，Papa？”

“Itisaone-horsepalanquin。”saidtheoldgentleman，whowasawaginhisway。

Josephatthisburstoutintoawildfitoflaughter；

inwhich，encounteringtheeyeofMissSharp，hestoppedallofasudden，asifhehadbeenshot。

“Thisyoungladyisyourfriend？MissSharp，Iamveryhappytoseeyou。HaveyouandEmmybeenquarrellingalreadywithJoseph，thathewantstobeoff？”

“IpromisedBonamyofourservice，sir。”saidJoseph。”todinewithhim。”

“Ofie！didn’tyoutellyourmotheryouwoulddinehere？”

“Butinthisdressit’simpossible。”

“Lookathim，isn’thehandsomeenoughtodineanywhere，MissSharp？”

Onwhich，ofcourse，MissSharplookedatherfriend，andtheybothsetoffinafitoflaughter，highlyagreeabletotheoldgentleman。

“DidyoueverseeapairofbuckskinslikethoseatMissPinkerton’s？”continuedhe，followinguphisadvantage。

“Graciousheavens！Father。”criedJoseph。

“Therenow，Ihavehurthisfeelings。Mrs。Sedley，mydear，Ihavehurtyourson’sfeelings。Ihavealludedtohisbuckskins。AskMissSharpifIhaven’t？Come，Joseph，befriendswithMissSharp，andletusallgotodinner。”

“There’sapillau，Joseph，justasyoulikeit，andPapahasbroughthomethebestturbotinBillingsgate。”

“Come，come，sir，walkdownstairswithMissSharp，andIwillfollowwiththesetwoyoungwomen。”saidthefather，andhetookanarmofwifeanddaughterandwalkedmerrilyoff。

IfMissRebeccaSharphaddeterminedinherheartuponmakingtheconquestofthisbigbeau，Idon’tthink，ladies，wehaveanyrighttoblameher；forthoughthetaskofhusband-huntingisgenerally，andwithbecomingmodesty，entrustedbyyoungpersonstotheirmammas，recollectthatMissSharphadnokindparenttoarrangethesedelicatemattersforher，andthatifshedidnotgetahusbandforherself，therewasnooneelseinthewideworldwhowouldtakethetroubleoffherhands。Whatcausesyoungpeopleto“comeout。”

butthenobleambitionofmatrimony？Whatsendsthemtroopingtowatering-places？Whatkeepsthemdancingtillfiveo’clockinthemorningthroughawholemortalseason？Whatcausesthemtolabouratpianofortesonatas，andtolearnfoursongsfromafashionablemasterataguineaalesson，andtoplaytheharpiftheyhavehandsomearmsandneatelbows，andtowearLincolnGreentoxophilitehatsandfeathers，butthattheymaybringdownsome“desirable“youngmanwiththosekillingbowsandarrowsoftheirs？Whatcausesrespectableparentstotakeuptheircarpets，settheirhousestopsy-turvy，andspendafifthoftheiryear’sincomeinballsuppersandicedchampagne？Isitsheerloveoftheirspecies，andanunadulteratedwishtoseeyoungpeoplehappyanddancing？Psha！theywanttomarrytheirdaughters；and，ashonestMrs。Sedleyhas，inthedepthsofherkindheart，alreadyarrangedascoreoflittleschemesforthesettlementofherAmelia，soalsohadourbelovedbutunprotectedRebeccadeterminedtodoherverybesttosecurethehusband，whowasevenmorenecessaryforherthanforherfriend。Shehadavividimagination；shehad，besides，readtheArabianNightsandGuthrie’sGeography；anditisafactthatwhileshewasdressingfordinner，andaftershehadaskedAmeliawhetherherbrotherwasveryrich，shehadbuiltforherselfamostmagnificentcastleintheair，ofwhichshewasmistress，withahusbandsomewhereinthebackground(shehadnotseenhimasyet，andhisfigurewouldnotthereforebeverydistinct)；shehadarrayedherselfinaninfinityofshawls，turbans，anddiamondnecklaces，andhadmounteduponanelephanttothesoundofthemarchinBluebeard，inordertopayavisitofceremonytotheGrandMogul。CharmingAlnascharvisions！itisthehappyprivilegeofyouthtoconstructyou，andmanyafancifulyoungcreaturebesidesRebeccaSharphasindulgedinthesedelightfulday-dreamserenow！

JosephSedleywastwelveyearsolderthanhissisterAmelia。HewasintheEastIndiaCompany’sCivilService，andhisnameappeared，attheperiodofwhichwewrite，intheBengaldivisionoftheEastIndiaRegister，ascollectorofBoggleyWollah，anhonourableandlucrativepost，aseverybodyknows：inordertoknowtowhathigherpostsJosephroseintheservice，thereaderisreferredtothesameperiodical。

BoggleyWollahissituatedinafine，lonely，marshy，junglydistrict，famousforsnipe-shooting，andwherenotunfrequentlyyoumayflushatiger。Ramgunge，wherethereisamagistrate，isonlyfortymilesoff，andthereisacavalrystationaboutthirtymilesfarther；soJosephwrotehometohisparents，whenhetookpossessionofhiscollectorship。Hehadlivedforabouteightyearsofhislife，quitealone，atthischarmingplace，scarcelyseeingaChristianfaceexcepttwiceayear，whenthedetachmentarrivedtocarryofftherevenueswhichhehadcollected，toCalcutta。

Luckily，atthistimehecaughtalivercomplaint，forthecureofwhichhereturnedtoEurope，andwhichwasthesourceofgreatcomfortandamusementtohiminhisnativecountry。HedidnotlivewithhisfamilywhileinLondon，buthadlodgingsofhisown，likeagayyoungbachelor。BeforehewenttoIndiahewastooyoungtopartakeofthedelightfulpleasuresofamanabouttown，andplungedintothemonhisreturnwithconsiderableassiduity。HedrovehishorsesinthePark；hedinedatthefashionabletaverns(fortheOrientalClubwasnotasyetinvented)；hefrequentedthetheatres，asthemodewasinthosedays，ormadehisappearanceattheopera，laboriouslyattiredintightsandacockedhat。

OnreturningtoIndia，andeverafter，heusedtotalkofthepleasureofthisperiodofhisexistencewithgreatenthusiasm，andgiveyoutounderstandthatheandBrummelweretheleadingbucksoftheday。ButhewasaslonelyhereasinhisjungleatBoggleyWollah。Hescarcelyknewasinglesoulinthemetropolis：andwereitnotforhisdoctor，andthesocietyofhisblue-pill，andhislivercomplaint，hemusthavediedofloneliness。

Hewaslazy，peevish，andabon-vivan；theappearanceofaladyfrightenedhimbeyondmeasure；henceitwasbutseldomthathejoinedthepaternalcircleinRussellSquare，wheretherewasplentyofgaiety，andwherethejokesofhisgood-naturedoldfatherfrightenedhisamour-propre。HisbulkcausedJosephmuchanxiousthoughtandalarm；nowandthenhewouldmakeadesperateattempttogetridofhissuperabundantfat；

buthisindolenceandloveofgoodlivingspeedilygotthebetteroftheseendeavoursatreform，andhefoundhimselfagainathisthreemealsaday。Heneverwaswelldressed；buthetookthehugestpainstoadornhisbigperson，andpassedmanyhoursdailyinthatoccupation。

Hisvaletmadeafortuneoutofhiswardrobe：histoilet-tablewascoveredwithasmanypomatumsandessencesaseverwereemployedbyanoldbeauty：hehadtried，inordertogivehimselfawaist，everygirth，stay，andwaistbandtheninvented。Likemostfatmen，hewouldhavehisclothesmadetootight，andtookcaretheyshouldbeofthemostbrilliantcoloursandyouthfulcut。Whendressedatlength，intheafternoon，hewouldissueforthtotakeadrivewithnobodyinthePark；

andthenwouldcomebackinordertodressagainandgoanddinewithnobodyatthePiazzaCoffee-House。

Hewasasvainasagirl；andperhapshisextremeshynesswasoneoftheresultsofhisextremevanity。IfMissRebeccacangetthebetterofhim，andatherfirstentranceintolife，sheisayoungpersonofnoordinarycleverness。

Thefirstmoveshowedconsiderableskill。WhenshecalledSedleyaveryhandsomeman，sheknewthatAmeliawouldtellhermother，whowouldprobablytellJoseph，orwho，atanyrate，wouldbepleasedbythecomplimentpaidtoherson。Allmothersare。IfyouhadtoldSycoraxthathersonCalibanwasashandsomeasApollo，shewouldhavebeenpleased，witchasshewas。Perhaps，too，JosephSedleywouldoverhearthecompliment——Rebeccaspokeloudenough——andhedidhear，and(thinkinginhisheartthathewasaveryfineman)thepraisethrilledthrougheveryfibreofhisbigbody，andmadeittinglewithpleasure。Then，however，camearecoil。”Isthegirlmakingfunofme？”hethought，andstraightwayhebouncedtowardsthebell，andwasforretreating，aswehaveseen，whenhisfather’sjokesandhismother’sentreatiescausedhimtopauseandstaywherehewas。Heconductedtheyoungladydowntodinnerinadubiousandagitatedframeofmind。

“DoesshereallythinkIamhandsome？”thoughthe。”orissheonlymakinggameofme？”WehavetalkedofJosephSedleybeingasvainasagirl。Heavenhelpus！thegirlshaveonlytoturnthetables，andsayofoneoftheirownsex，“Sheisasvainasaman。”

andtheywillhaveperfectreason。Thebeardedcreaturesarequiteaseagerforpraise，quiteasfinikinovertheirtoilettes，quiteasproudoftheirpersonaladvantages，quiteasconsciousoftheirpowersoffascination，asanycoquetteintheworld。

Downstairs，then，theywent，Josephveryredandblushing，Rebeccaverymodest，andholdinghergreeneyesdownwards。Shewasdressedinwhite，withbareshouldersaswhiteassnow——thepictureofyouth，unprotectedinnocence，andhumblevirginsimplicity。

“Imustbeveryquiet。”thoughtRebecca，“andverymuchinterestedaboutIndia。”

NowwehaveheardhowMrs。Sedleyhadpreparedafinecurryforherson，justashelikedit，andinthecourseofdinneraportionofthisdishwasofferedtoRebecca。”Whatisit？”saidshe，turninganappealinglooktoMr。Joseph。

“Capital。”saidhe。Hismouthwasfullofit：hisfacequiteredwiththedelightfulexerciseofgobbling。

“Mother，it’sasgoodasmyowncurriesinIndia。”

“Oh，Imusttrysome，ifitisanIndiandish。”saidMissRebecca。”Iamsureeverythingmustbegoodthatcomesfromthere。”

“GiveMissSharpsomecurry，mydear。”saidMr。

Sedley，laughing。

Rebeccahadnevertastedthedishbefore。

“DoyoufinditasgoodaseverythingelsefromIndia？”

saidMr。Sedley。

“Oh，excellent！”saidRebecca，whowassufferingtortureswiththecayennepepper。

“Tryachiliwithit，MissSharp。”saidJoseph，reallyinterested。

“Achili。”saidRebecca，gasping。”Ohyes！”Shethoughtachiliwassomethingcool，asitsnameimported，andwasservedwithsome。”Howfreshandgreentheylook。”shesaid，andputoneintohermouth。Itwashotterthanthecurry；fleshandbloodcouldbearitnolonger。Shelaiddownherfork。”Water，forHeaven’ssake，water！”shecried。Mr。Sedleyburstoutlaughing(hewasacoarseman，fromtheStockExchange，wheretheyloveallsortsofpracticaljokes)。”TheyarerealIndian，Iassureyou。”saidhe。”Sambo，giveMissSharpsomewater。”

ThepaternallaughwasechoedbyJoseph，whothoughtthejokecapital。Theladiesonlysmiledalittle。TheythoughtpoorRebeccasufferedtoomuch。ShewouldhavelikedtochokeoldSedley，butsheswallowedhermortificationaswellasshehadtheabominablecurrybeforeit，andassoonasshecouldspeak，said，withacomical，good-humouredair，“IoughttohaverememberedthepepperwhichthePrincessofPersiaputsinthecream-

tartsintheArabianNights。Doyouputcayenneintoyourcream-tartsinIndia，sir？”

OldSedleybegantolaugh，andthoughtRebeccawasagood-humouredgirl。Josephsimplysaid，“Cream-

tarts，Miss？OurcreamisverybadinBengal。Wegenerallyusegoats’milk；and，’gad，doyouknow，I’vegottopreferit！”

“Youwon’tlikeEVERYTHINGfromIndianow，MissSharp。”saidtheoldgentleman；butwhentheladieshadretiredafterdinner，thewilyoldfellowsaidtohisson。”Haveacare，Joe；thatgirlissettinghercapatyou。”

“Pooh！nonsense！”saidJoe，highlyflattered。”Irecollect，sir，therewasagirlatDumdum，adaughterofCutleroftheArtillery，andafterwardsmarriedtoLance，thesurgeon，whomadeadeadsetatmeintheyear’4——atmeandMulligatawney，whomImentionedtoyoubeforedinner——adevilishgoodfellowMulligatawney