第54章

`No-itwasI。Yourwickednesswasonlythenaturalman’sdesiretopossessthewoman。MinewasnotthereciprocalwishtillenvystimulatedmetooustArabella。IhadthoughtIoughtincharitytoletyouapproachme-thatitwasdamnablyselfishtotortureyouasIdidmyotherfriend。

ButIshouldn’thavegivenwayifyouhadn’tbrokenmedownbymakingmefearyouwouldgobacktoher……Butdon’tletussayanymoreaboutit！

Jude，willyouleavemetomyselfnow？’

`Yes……ButSue-mywife，asyouare！’heburstout；`myoldreproachtoyouwas，afterall，atrueone。YouhaveneverlovedmeasIloveyou-never-never！Yoursisnotapassionateheart-yourheartdoesnotburninaflame！Youare，uponthewhole，asortoffay，orsprite-notawoman！’

`AtfirstIdidnotloveyou，Jude；thatIown。WhenIfirstknewyouImerelywantedyoutoloveme。Ididnotexactlyflirtwithyou；butthatinborncravingwhichunderminessomewomen’smoralsalmostmorethanunbridledpassion-thecravingtoattractandcaptivate，regardlessoftheinjuryitmaydotheman-wasinme；andwhenIfoundIhadcaughtyou，Iwasfrightened。Andthen-Idon’tknowhowitwas-Icouldn’tbeartoletyougo-possiblytoArabellaagain-andsoIgottoloveyou，Jude。Butyousee，howeverfondlyitended，itbeganintheselfishandcruelwishtomakeyourheartacheformewithoutlettingmineacheforyou。’

`Andnowyouaddtoyourcrueltybyleavingme！’

`Ah-yes！ThefurtherIflounder，themoreharmIdo！’

`OSue！’saidhewithasuddensenseofhisowndanger。`Donotdoanimmoralthingformoralreasons！Youhavebeenmysocialsalvation。

Staywithmeforhumanity’ssake！YouknowwhataweakfellowIam。Mytwoarch-enemiesyouknow-myweaknessforwomankindandmyimpulsetostrongliquor。Don’tabandonmetothem，Sue，tosaveyourownsoulonly！

Theyhavebeenkeptentirelyatadistancesinceyoubecamemyguardian-angel！

SinceIhavehadyouIhavebeenabletogointoanytemptationsofthesort，withoutrisk。Isn’tmysafetyworthalittlesacrificeofdogmaticprinciple？Iaminterrorlest，ifyouleaveme，itwillbewithmeanothercaseofthepigthatwaswashedturningbacktohiswallowinginthemire！’

Sueburstoutweeping。`Oh，butyoumustnot，Jude！Youwon’t！

I’llprayforyounightandday！’

`Well-nevermind；don’tgrieve，’saidJudegenerously。`Ididsuffer，Godknows，aboutyouatthattime；andnowIsufferagain。Butperhapsnotsomuchasyou。Thewomanmostlygetstheworstofitinthelongrun！’

`Shedoes。’

`Unlesssheisabsolutelyworthlessandcontemptible。Andthisoneisnotthat，anyhow！’

Suedrewanervousbreathortwo。`Sheis-Ifear！……NowJude-good-night，-please！’

`Imustn’tstay？-Notjustoncemore？Asithasbeensomanytimes-OSue，mywife，whynot！’

`No-no-notwife！……Iaminyourhands，Jude-don’ttemptmebacknowIhaveadvancedsofar！’

`Verywell。Idoyourbidding。Iowethattoyou，darling，inpenanceforhowIoverruleditatthefirsttime。MyGod，howselfishI

was！Perhaps-perhapsIspoiltoneofthehighestandpurestlovesthateverexistedbetweenmanandwoman！……Thenlettheveilofourtempleberentintwofromthishour！’

Hewenttothebed，removedoneofthepairofpillowsthereon，andflungittothefloor。

Suelookedathim，andbendingoverthebed-railweptsilently。

`Youdon’tseethatitisamatterofconsciencewithme，andnotofdisliketoyou！’shebrokenlymurmured。`Disliketoyou！ButIcan’tsayanymore-itbreaksmyheart-itwillbeundoingallIhavebegun！Jude-good-night！’

`Good-night，’hesaid，andturnedtogo。

`Ohbutyoushallkissme！’saidshe，startingup。`Ican’t-

bear！’

Heclaspedher，andkissedherweepingfaceashehadscarcelyeverdonebefore，andtheyremainedinsilencetillshesaid，`Good-bye，good-bye！’Andthengentlypressinghimawayshegotfree，tryingtomitigatethesadnessbysaying：`We’llbedearfriendsjustthesame，Jude，won’twe？Andwe’llseeeachothersometimes-yes！-andforgetallthis，andtrytobe