第26章

OrwasSuesimplysoperversethatshewilfullygaveherselfandhimpainfortheoddandmournfulluxuryofpractisinglong-sufferinginherownperson，andofbeingtouchedwithtenderpityforhimathavingmadehimpractiseit？Hecouldperceivethatherfacewasnervouslyset，andwhentheyreachedthetryingordealofJudegivinghertoPhillotsonshecouldhardlycommandherself；rather，however，asitseemed，fromherknowledgeofwhathercousinmustfeel，whomsheneednothavehadthereatall，thanfromself-consideration。Possiblyshewouldgooninflictingsuchpainsagainandagain，andgrievingforthesuffereragainandagain，inallhercolossalinconsistency。

Phillotsonseemednottonotice，tobesurroundedbyamistwhichpreventedhisseeingtheemotionsofothers。Assoonastheyhadsignedtheirnamesandcomeaway，andthesuspensewasover，Judefeltrelieved。

Themealathislodgingwasaverysimpleaffair，andattwoo’clocktheywentoff。Incrossingthepavementtotheflyshelookedback；andtherewasafrightenedlightinhereyes。CoulditbethatSuehadactedwithsuchunusualfoolishnessastoplungeintosheknewnotwhatforthesakeofassertingherindependenceofhim，ofretaliatingonhimforhissecrecy？PerhapsSuewasthusventuresomewithmenbecauseshewaschildishlyignorantofthatsideoftheirnatureswhichworeoutwomen’sheartsandlives。

Whenherfootwasonthecarriage-stepsheturnedround，sayingthatshehadforgottensomething。Judeandthelandladyofferedtogetit。

`No，’shesaid，runningback。`Itismyhandkerchief。IknowwhereIleftit。’

Judefollowedherback。Shehadfoundit，andcameholdingitinherhand。Shelookedintohiseyeswithherowntearfulones，andherlipssuddenlypartedasifsheweregoingtoavowsomething。Butshewenton；andwhatevershehadmeanttosayremainedunspoken。

JudetheObscureChapter26III-viiiJudewonderedifshehadreallyleftherhandkerchiefbehind；orwhetheritwerethatshehadmiserablywishedtotellhimofalovethatatthelastmomentshecouldnotbringherselftoexpress。

Hecouldnotstayinhissilentlodgingwhentheyweregone，andfearingthathemightbetemptedtodrownhismiseryinalcoholhewentupstairs，changedhisdarkclothesforhiswhite，histhinbootsforhisthick，andproceededtohiscustomaryworkfortheafternoon。

Butinthecathedralheseemedtohearavoicebehindhim，andtobepossessedwithanideathatshewouldcomeback。ShecouldnotpossiblygohomewithPhillotson，hefancied。Thefeelinggrewandstirred。Themomentthattheclockstruckthelastofhisworkinghourshethrewdownhistoolsandrushedhomeward。`Hasanybodybeenforme？’heasked。

Nobodyhadbeenthere。

Ashecouldclaimthedownstairssitting-roomtilltwelveo’clockthatnighthesatinitalltheevening；andevenwhentheclockhadstruckeleven，andthefamilyhadretired，hecouldnotshakeoffthefeelingthatshewouldcomebackandsleepinthelittleroomadjoininghisowninwhichshehadsleptsomanypreviousdays。Heractionswerealwaysunpredictable：

whyshouldshenotcome？Gladlywouldhehavecompoundedforthedenialofherasasweetheartandwifebyhavingherlivethusasafellow-lodgerandfriend，evenonthemostdistantterms。Hissupperstillremainedspread，andgoingtothefrontdoor，andsoftlysettingitopen，hereturnedtotheroomandsataswatcherssitonOld-Mid-summereves，expectingthephantomoftheBeloved。Butshedidnotcome。

Havingindulgedinthiswildhopehewentupstairs，andlookedoutofthewindow，andpicturedherthroughtheeveningjourneytoLondon，whithersheandPhillotsonhadgonefortheirholiday；theirrattlingalongthroughthedampnighttotheirhotel，underthesameskyofribbedcloudasthathebeheld，throughwhichthemoonshoweditspositionratherthanitsshape，andoneortwoofthelargerstarsmadethemselvesvisibleasfaintnebulaeonly。ItwasanewbeginningofSue’shistory。Heprojectedhismindintothefuture，andsawherwithchildrenmoreorlessinherownlikenessaroundher。Buttheconsolationofregardingthemasacontinuationofheridentitywasdeniedtohim，astoallsuchdreamers，bythewilfulnessofNatureinnotallowingissuefromoneparentalone。Everydesiredrenewal