第76章

AVOICETurncoat！UptheBoers！WhobooedJoeChamberlain？

BLOOM(Hishandontheshoulderofthefirstwatch。)MyolddadtoowasaJ。P。I’masstaunchaBritisherasyouare，sir。IfoughtwiththecoloursforkingandcountryintheabsentmindedwarunderGeneralGoughintheparkandwasdisabledatSpionKopandBloemfontein，wasmentionedindispatches。Ididallawhitemancould。(Withquietfeeling。)

JimBludso。Holdhernozzleagainthebank。

FIRSTWATCHProfessionortrade。

BLOOMWell，Ifollowaliteraryoccupation。Author-journalist。InfactwearejustbringingoutacollectionofprizestoriesofwhichIamtheinventor，somethingthatisanentirelynewdeparture。IamconnectedwiththeBritishandIrishpress。Ifyouringup……

(MylesCrawfordstridesoutjerkily，aquillbetweenhisteeth。Hisscarletbeakblazeswithintheaureoleofhisstrawhat。HedanglesahankofSpanishonionsinonehandandholdswiththeotherhandatelephonereceivernozzletohisear。)

MYLESCRAWFORD(Hiscock’swattleswagging。)Hello，seventyseveneightfour。Hello。Freeman’sUrinalandWeeklyArsewiperhere。ParalyseEurope。Youwhich？Bluebags？Whowrites？IsitBloom？

(MrPhilipBeaufoy，palefaced，standsinthewitnessbox，inaccuratemorningdress，outbreastpocketwithpeakofhandkerchiefshowing，creasedlavendertrousersandpatentboots。HecamesalaceportfoliolabelledMatcham’sMasterstrokes。)

BEAUFOY(Drawls。)No，youaren’t，notbyalongshotifIknowit。Idon’tseeit，that’sall。Noborngentleman，noonewiththemostrudimentarypromptingsofagentlemanwouldstooptosuchparticularlyloathsomeconduct。Oneofthose，mylord。Aplagiarist。Asoapysneakmasqueradingasaliterateur。It’sperfectlyobviousthatwiththemostinherentbasenesshehascribbedsomeofmybestsellingbooks，reallygorgeousstuff，aperfectgem，thelovepassagesinwhicharebeneathsuspicion。TheBeaufoybooksofloveandgreatpossessionswithwhichyourlordshipisdoubtlessfamiliar，areahouseholdwordthroughoutthekingdom。

BLOOM(Murmurswithhangdogmeekness。)ThatbitaboutthelaughingwitchhandinhandItakeexceptionto，ifImay……？

BEAUFOY(Hislipupcurled，smilessuperciliouslyonthecourt。)

Youfunnyass，you！You’retoobeastlyawfullyweirdforwords！Idon’tthinkyouneedoverexcessivelydisincommodateyourselfinthatregard。

MyliteraryagentMrJ。B。Pinkerisinattendance。Ipresume，mylord，weshallreceivetheusualwitnesses’fees，shan’twe？Weareconsiderablyoutofpocketoverthisballypressmanjohnny，thisjackdawofRheims，whohasnotevenbeentoauniversity。

BLOOM(Indistinctly。)Universityoflife。Badart。

BEAUFOY(Shouts。)It’sadamnablyfoullieshowingthemoralrottennessoftheman！(Heextendshisportfolio。)Wehaveheredamningevidence，thecorpusdelicti，mylord，aspecimenofmymaturerworkdisfiguredbythehallmarkofthebeast。

AVOICEFROMTHEGALLERYMoses，Moses，kingofthejews，WipedhisarseintheDailyNews。BLOOM(Bravely。)Overdrawn。

BEAUFOYYoulowcad！Yououghttobeduckedinthehorsepond，yourotter！

(Tothecourt。)Why，lookattheman’sprivatelife！Leadingaquadrupleexistence！Streetangelandhousedevil。Notfittobementionedinmixedsociety。Thearchconspiratoroftheage。

BLOOM(Tothecourt。)Andhe，abachelor，how。

FIRSTWATCHTheKingversusBloom。CallthewomanDriscoll。

THECRIERMaryDriscoll，scullerymaid！

(MaryDriscoll，aslipshodservantgirl，approaches。Shehasabucketonthecrookofherarmandascouringbrushinherhand。)

SECONDWATCHAnother！Areyouoftheunfortunateclass？

MARYDRISCOLL(Indignantly。)I’mnotabadone。Ibeararespectablecharacterandwasfourmonthsinmylastplace。Iwasinasituation，sixpoundsayearandmychanceswithFridaysout，andIhadtoleaveowingtohiscarryingson。

FIRSTWATCHWhatdoyoutaxhimwith？

MARYDRISCOLLHemadeacertainsuggestionbutIthoughtm