第45章

CHAPTERII

OFREPENTANCE

Othersformman;Ionlyreporthim:andrepresentaparticularone，illfashionedenough，andwhom，ifIhadtomodelhimanew，Ishouldcertainlymakesomethingelsethanwhatheisbutthat’spastrecalling。

Now，thoughthefeaturesofmypicturealterandchange，’tisnot，however，unlike:theworldeternallyturnsround;allthingsthereinareincessantlymoving，theearth，therocksofCaucasus，andthepyramidsofEgypt，bothbythepublicmotionandtheirown。Evenconstancyitselfisnootherbutaslowerandmorelanguishingmotion。Icannotfixmyobject;’tisalwaystotteringandreelingbyanaturalgiddiness;ItakeitasitisattheinstantIconsiderit;Idonotpaintitsbeing，I

paintitspassage;notapassingfromoneagetoanother，or，asthepeoplesay，fromseventosevenyears，butfromdaytoday，fromminutetominute，Imustaccommodatemyhistorytothehour:Imaypresentlychange，notonlybyfortune，butalsobyintention。’Tisacounterpartofvariousandchangeableaccidents，andofirresoluteimaginations，and，asitfallsout，sometimescontrary:whetheritbethatIamthenanotherself，orthatItakesubjectsbyothercircumstancesandconsiderations:

soitisthatImayperadventurecontradictmyself，but，asDemadessaid，Inevercontradictthetruth。Couldmysouloncetakefooting，Iwouldnotessaybutresolve:butitisalwayslearningandmakingtrial。

Iproposealifeordinaryandwithoutlustre:’tisallone;allmoralphilosophymayaswellbeappliedtoacommonandprivatelife，astooneofrichercomposition:everymancarriestheentireformofhumancondition。Authorscommunicatethemselvestothepeoplebysomeespecialandextrinsicmark;I，thefirstofany，bymyuniversalbeing;asMicheldeMontaigne，notasagrammarian，apoet，oralawyer。IftheworldfindfaultthatIspeaktoomuchofmyself，Ifindfaultthattheydonotsomuchasthinkofthemselves。Butisitreasonthat，beingsoparticularinmywayofliving，Ishouldpretendtorecommendmyselftothepublicknowledge？AndisitalsoreasonthatIshouldproducetotheworld，whereartandhandlinghavesomuchcreditandauthority，crudeandsimpleeffectsofnature，andofaweaknaturetoboot？Isitnottobuildawallwithoutstoneorbrick，orsomesuchthing，towritebookswithoutlearningandwithoutart？Thefanciesofmusicarecarriedonbyart;minebychance。Ihavethis，atleast，accordingtodiscipline，thatneveranymantreatedofasubjecthebetterunderstoodandknewthanIwhatIhaveundertaken，andthatinthisIamthemostunderstandingmanalive:secondly，thatneveranymanpenetratedfartherintohismatter，norbetterandmoredistinctlysiftedthepartsandsequencesofit，norevermoreexactlyandfullyarrivedattheendheproposedtohimself。Toperfectit，Ineedbringnothingbutfidelitytothework;andthatisthere，andthemostpureandsincerethatisanywheretobefound。Ispeaktruth，notsomuchasIwould，butasmuchasIdare;andIdarealittlethemore，asIgrowolder;for，methinks，customallowstoagemorelibertyofprating，andmoreindiscretionoftalkingofaman’sself。Thatcannotfallouthere，whichIoftenseeelsewhere，thattheworkandtheartificercontradictoneanother:

"Canamanofsuchsoberconversationhavewrittensofoolishabook？"

Or"Dosolearnedwritingsproceedfromamanofsoweakconversation？"

Hewhotalksataveryordinaryrate，andwritesrarematter，’tistosaythathiscapacityisborrowedandnothisown。Alearnedmanisnotlearnedinallthings:butasufficientmanissufficientthroughout，eventoignoranceitself;heremybookandIgohandinhandtogether。

Elsewheremenmaycommendorcensurethework，withoutreferencetotheworkman;heretheycannot:whotouchestheone，touchestheother。Hewhoshalljudgeofitwithoutknowinghim，willmorewronghimselfthanme;hewhodoesknowhim，givesmeallthesatisfactionIdesire。I

shallbehappybeyondmydesert，ifIcanobtainonlythusmuchfromthepublicapprobation，astomakemenofunderstandingperceivethatIwascapableofprofitingbyknowledge，hadIhadit;andthatIdeservedtohavebeenassistedbyabettermemory。

BepleasedheretoexcusewhatIoftenrepeat，thatIveryrarelyrepent，andthatmyconscienceissatisfiedwithitself，notastheconscienceofanangel，orthatofahorse，butastheconscienceofaman;alwaysaddingthisclause，notoneofceremony，butatrueandrealsubmission，thatIspeakinquiringanddoubting，purelyandsimplyreferringmyselftothecommonandacceptedbeliefsfortheresolution。Idonotteach;I

onlyrelate。

Thereisnovicethatisabsolutelyavicewhichdoesnotoffend，andthatasoundjudgmentdoesnotaccuse;forthereisinitsomanifestadeformityandinconvenience，thatperadventuretheyareintherightwhosaythatitischieflybegottenbystupidityandignorance:sohardisittoimaginethatamancanknowwithoutabhorringit。Malicesucksupthegreatestpartofitsownvenom，andpoisonsitself。Viceleavesrepentanceinthesoul，likeanulcerintheflesh，whichisalwaysscratchingandlaceratingitself:forreasoneffacesallothergriefandsorrows，butitbegetsthatofrepentance，whichissomuchthemoregrievous，byreasonitspringswithin，asthecoldandheatoffeversaremoresharpthanthosethatonlystrikeupontheoutwardskin。Iholdforvices（buteveryoneaccordingtoitsproportion），notonlythosewhichreasonandnaturecondemn，butthosealsowhichtheopinionofmen，thoughfalseanderroneous，havemadesuch，ifauthorisedbylawandcustom。

Thereislikewisenovirtuewhichdoesnotrejoiceawell—descendednature:thereisakindof，Iknownotwhat，congratulationinwell—doingthatgivesusaninwardsatisfaction，andagenerousboldnessthataccompaniesagoodconscience:asouldaringlyviciousmay，peradventure，armitselfwithsecurity，butitcannotsupplyitselfwiththiscomplacencyandsatisfaction。’Tisnolittlesatisfactiontofeelaman’sselfpreservedfromthecontagionofsodepravedanage，andtosaytohimself:"Whoevercouldpenetrateintomysoulwouldnottherefindmeguiltyeitheroftheafflictionorruinofanyone，orofrevengeorenvy，oranyoffenceagainstthepubliclaws，orofinnovationordisturbance，orfailureofmyword;andthoughthelicenceofthetimepermitsandteacheseveryonesotodo，yethaveInotplunderedanyFrenchman’sgoods，ortakenhismoney，andhaveliveduponwhatismyown，inwaraswellasinpeace;neitherhaveIsetanymantoworkwithoutpayinghimhishire。"Thesetestimoniesofagoodconscienceplease，andthisnaturalrejoicingisverybeneficialtous，andtheonlyrewardthatwecanneverfailof。

Togroundtherecompenseofvirtuousactionsupontheapprobationofothersistoouncertainandunsafeafoundation，especiallyinsocorruptandignorantanageasthis，whereinthegoodopinionofthevulgarisinjurious:uponwhomdoyourelytoshowyouwhatisrecommendable？Goddefendmefrombeinganhonestman，accordingtothedescriptionsofhonourIdailyseeeveryonemakeofhimself:

"Quaefuerantvitia，moressunt。"

["Whatbeforehadbeenvicesarenowmanners。"——Seneca，Ep。，39。]

Someofmyfriendshaveattimesschooledandscoldedmewithgreatsincerityandplainness，eitheroftheirownvoluntarymotion，orbymeentreatedtoitastoanoffice，whichtoawell—composedsoulsurpassesnotonlyinutility，butinkindness，allotherofficesoffriendship:I

havealwaysreceivedthemwiththemostopenarms，bothofcourtesyandacknowledgment;buttosaythetruth，Ihaveoftenfoundsomuchfalsemeasure，bothintheirreproachesandpraises，thatIhadnotdonemuchamiss，rathertohavedoneill，thantohavedonewellaccordingtotheirnotions。We，wholiveprivatelives，notexposedtoanyotherviewthanourown，oughtchieflytohavesettledapatternwithinourselvesbywhichtotryouractions:andaccordingtothat，sometimestoencourageandsometimestocorrectourselves。Ihavemylawsandmyjudicaturetojudgeofmyself，andapplymyselfmoretothesethantoanyotherrules:

Ido，indeed，restrainmyactionsaccordingtoothers;butextendthemnotbyanyotherrulethanmyown。Youyourselfonlyknowifyouarecowardlyandcruel，loyalanddevout:othersseeyounot，andonlyguessatyoubyuncertainconjectures，anddonotsomuchseeyournatureasyourart;relynotthereforeupontheiropinions，butsticktoyourown:

"Tuotibijudicioestutendum……Virtutisetvitiorumgraveipsiusconscientiaepondusest:quasublata，jacentomnia。"

["Thoumustemploythyownjudgmentuponthyself;greatistheweightofthyownconscienceinthediscoveryofvirtuesandvices:

whichtakenaway，allthingsarelost。"

——Cicero，DeNat。Dei，iii。35;Tusc。Quaes。，i。25。]

Butthesayingthatrepentanceimmediatelyfollowsthesinseemsnottohaverespecttosininitshighestate，whichislodgedinusasinitsownproperhabitation。Onemaydisownandretractthevicesthatsurpriseus，andtowhichwearehurriedbypassions;butthosewhichbyalonghabitarerootedinastrongandvigorouswillarenotsubjecttocontradiction。Repentanceisnootherbutarecantingofthewillandanoppositiontoourfancies，whichleaduswhichwaytheyplease。Itmakesthispersondisownhisformervirtueandcontinency:

"Quaemensesthodie，cureademnonpuerofait？

Velcurhisanimisincolumesnonredeuntgenae？

[Whatmymindis，whywasitnotthesame，whenIwasaboy？orwhydonotthecheeksreturntothesefeelings？"

——Horace，Od。，v。10，7。]

’Tisanexactlifethatmaintainsitselfindueorderinprivate。Everyonemayjugglehispart，andrepresentanhonestmanuponthestage:butwithin，andinhisownbosom，whereallmaydoastheylist，whereallisconcealed，toberegular，there’sthepoint。Thenextdegreeistobesoinhishouse，andinhisordinaryactions，forwhichweareaccountabletonone，andwherethereisnostudynorartifice。AndthereforeBias，settingforththeexcellentstateofaprivatefamily，says:"ofwhichathemasteristhesamewithin，byhisownvirtueandtemper，thatheisabroad，forfearofthelawsandreportofmen。"AnditwasaworthysayingofJuliusDrusus，tothemasonswhoofferedhim，forthreethousandcrowns，toputhishouseinsuchaposturethathisneighboursshouldnolongerhavethesameinspectionintoitasbefore;"Iwillgiveyou，"saidhe，"sixthousandtomakeitsothateverybodymayseeintoeveryroom。"’TishonourablyrecordedofAgesilaus，thatheusedinhisjourneysalwaystotakeuphislodgingsintemples，totheendthatthepeopleandthegodsthemselvesmightpryintohismostprivateactions。

Suchaonehasbeenamiracletotheworld，inwhomneitherhiswifenorservanthaseverseenanythingsomuchasremarkable;fewmenhavebeenadmiredbytheirowndomestics;noonewaseveraprophet，notmerelyinhisownhouse，butinhisowncountry，saystheexperienceofhistories:

——[Nomanisaherotohisvalet—de—chambre，saidMarshalCatinat]——’tisthesameinthingsofnought，andinthislowexampletheimageofagreateristobeseen。InmycountryofGascony，theylookuponitasadrollerytoseemeinprint;thefurtheroffIamreadfrommyownhome，thebetterIamesteemed。IpurchaseprintersinGuienne;elsewheretheypurchaseme。Uponthisitisthattheylaytheirfoundationwhoconcealthemselvespresentandliving，toobtainanamewhentheyaredeadandabsent。Ihadratherhaveagreatdeallessinhand，anddonotexposemyselftotheworlduponanyotheraccountthanmypresentshare;whenI

leaveitIquittherest。Seethisfunctionarywhomthepeopleescortinstate，withwonderandapplause，tohisverydoor;heputsoffthepageantwithhisrobe，andfallssomuchthelowerbyhowmuchhewashigherexalted:inhimselfwithin，allistumultanddegraded。Andthoughallshouldberegularthere，itwillrequireavividandwell—

chosenjudgmenttoperceiveitintheselowandprivateactions;towhichmaybeadded，thatorderisadull，sombrevirtue。Toenterabreach，conductanembassy，governapeople，areactionsofrenown;toreprehend，laugh，sell，pay，love，hate，andgentlyandjustlyconversewithaman’sownfamilyandwithhimself;nottorelax，nottogiveaman’sselfthelie，ismorerareandhard，andlessremarkable。Bywhichmeans，retiredlives，whateverissaidtothecontrary，undergodutiesofasgreatorgreaterdifficultythantheothersdo;andprivatemen，saysAristotle，’

servevirtuemorepainfullyandhighlythanthoseinauthoritydo:

weprepareourselvesforeminentoccasions，moreoutofglorythanconscience。Theshortestwaytoarriveatglory，wouldbetodothatforconsciencewhichwedoforglory:andthevirtueofAlexanderappearstomeofmuchlessvigourinhisgreattheatre，thanthatofSocratesinhismeanandobscureemployment。Icaneasily