第29章

Manythingsseemgreaterbyimaginationthantheyareineffect;Ihavepassedagoodpartofmylifeinaperfectandentirehealth;Isay，notonlyentire，but，moreover，sprightlyandwanton。Thisstate，sofullofverdure，jollity，andvigour，madetheconsiderationofsicknesssoformidabletome，thatwhenIcametoexperienceit，IfoundtheattacksfaintandeasyincomparisonwithwhatIhadapprehended。OfthisIhavedailyexperience;ifIamundertheshelterofawarmroom，inastormyandtempestuousnight，Iwonderhowpeoplecanliveabroad，andamafflictedforthosewhoareoutinthefields:ifIamtheremyself，Idonotwishtobeanywhereelse。ThisonethingofbeingalwaysshutupinachamberIfanciedinsupportable:butIwaspresentlyinuredtobesoimprisonedaweek，nayamonthtogether，inaveryweak，disordered，andsadcondition;andIhavefoundthat，inthetimeofmyhealth，Imuchmorepitiedthesick，thanIthinkmyselftobepitiedwhenIamso，andthattheforceofmyimaginationenhancesnearone—halfoftheessenceandrealityofthething。IhopethatwhenIcometodieIshallfinditthesame，andthat，afterall，itisnotworththepainsItake，somuchpreparationandsomuchassistanceasIcallin，toundergothestroke。

But，atallevents，wecannotgiveourselvestoomuchadvantage。

Inthetimeofourthirdorsecondtroubles（Idonotwellrememberwhich），goingonedayabroadtotaketheair，aboutaleaguefrommyownhouse，whichisseatedintheverycentreofallthebustleandmischiefofthelatecivilwarsinFrance;thinkingmyselfinallsecurityandsoneartomyretreatthatIstoodinneedofnobetterequipage，Ihadtakenahorsethatwentveryeasyuponhispace，butwasnotverystrong。

Beinguponmyreturnhome，asuddenoccasionfallingouttomakeuseofthishorseinakindofservicethathewasnotaccustomedto，oneofmytrain，alusty，tallfellow，mounteduponastrongGermanhorse，thathadaveryillmouth，freshandvigorous，toplaythebraveandsetonaheadofhisfellows，comesthunderingfullspeedintheverytrackwhereI

was，rushinglikeaColossusuponthelittlemanandthelittlehorse，withsuchacareerofstrengthandweight，thatheturnedusbothoverandover，topsy—turvywithourheelsintheair:sothattherelaythehorseoverthrownandstunnedwiththefall，andItenortwelvepacesfromhimstretchedoutatlength，withmyfaceallbatteredandbroken，myswordwhichIhadhadinmyhand，abovetenpacesbeyondthat，andmybeltbrokenalltopieces，withoutmotionorsenseanymorethanastock。

’TwastheonlyswoonIwaseverintillthathourinmylife。Thosewhowerewithme，afterhavingusedallthemeanstheycouldtobringmetomyself，concludingmedead，tookmeupintheirarms，andcarriedmewithverymuchdifficultyhometomyhouse，whichwasabouthalfaFrenchleaguefromthence。Ontheway，havingbeenformorethantwohoursgivenoverforadeadman，Ibegantomoveandtofetchmybreath;forsogreatabundanceofbloodwasfallenintomystomach，thatnaturehadneedtorouseherforcestodischargeit。Theythenraisedmeuponmyfeet，whereIthrewoffawholebucketofclotsofblood，asthisIdidalsoseveraltimesbytheway。Thisgavemesomuchease，thatIbegantorecoveralittlelife，butsoleisurelyandbysosmalladvances，thatmyfirstsentimentsweremuchnearertheapproachesofdeaththanlife:

"Perche，dubbiosaancordelsuoritorno，Nons’assicuraattonitalamente。"

["Forthesoul，doubtfulastoitsreturn，couldnotcomposeitself"

——Tasso，Gierus。Lib。，xii。74。]

Theremembranceofthisaccident，whichisverywellimprintedinmymemory，sonaturallyrepresentingtometheimageandideaofdeath，hasinsomesortreconciledmetothatuntowardadventure。WhenIfirstbegantoopenmyeyes，itwaswithsoperplexed，soweakanddeadasight，thatIcouldyetdistinguishnothingbutonlydiscernthelight:

"Comequelch’orapre，or’chiudeGliocchi，mezzotra’lsonnoel’esserdesto。"

["Asamanthatnowopens，nowshutshiseyes，betweensleepandwaking。"——Tasso，Gierus。Lib。，viii。，26。]

Astothefunctionsofthesoul，theyadvancedwiththesamepaceandmeasurewiththoseofthebody。Isawmyselfallbloody，mydoubletbeingstainedalloverwiththebloodIhadvomited。ThefirstthoughtthatcameintomymindwasthatIhadaharquebussshotinmyhead，andindeed，atthetimetherewereagreatmanyfiredroundaboutus。

Methoughtmylifebutjusthunguponmy，lips:andIshutmyeyes，tohelp，methought，tothrustitout，andtookapleasureinlanguishingandlettingmyselfgo。Itwasanimaginationthatonlysuperficiallyfloateduponmysoul，astenderandweakasalltherest，butreally，notonlyexemptfromanythingdispleasing，butmixedwiththatsweetnessthatpeoplefeelwhentheyglideintoaslumber。

Ibelieveitistheverysameconditionthosepeoplearein，whomweseeswoonwithweaknessintheagonyofdeathwepitythemwithoutcause，supposingthemagitatedwithgrievousdolours，orthattheirsoulssufferunderpainfulthoughts。Ithaseverbeenmybelief，contrarytotheopinionofmany，andparticularlyofLaBoetie，thatthosewhomweseesosubduedandstupefiedattheapproachesoftheirend，oroppressedwiththelengthofthedisease，orbyaccidentofanapoplexyorfallingsickness，"VimorbisaepecoactusAnteoculosaliquisnostros，utfulminisictu，Concidit，etspumasagit;ingemit，ettremitartus;

Desipit，extentatnervos，torquetur，anhelat，Inconstanter，etinjactandomembrafatigat;"

["Often，compelledbytheforceofdisease，someoneasthunderstruckfallsunderoureyes，andfoams，groans，andtrembles，stretches，twists，breathesirregularly，andinparoxysmswearsouthisstrength。"——Lucretius，iii。485。]

orhurtinthehead，whomweheartomutter，andbyfitstouttergrievousgroans;thoughwegatherfromthesesignsbywhichitseemsasiftheyhadsomeremainsofconsciousness，andthattherearemovementsofthebody;Ihavealwaysbelieved，Isay，boththebodyandthesoulbenumbedandasleep，"Vivit，etestvitaenesciusipsesuae，"

["Helives，anddoesnotknowthatheisalive。"

——Ovid，Trist。，i。3，12。]

andcouldnotbelievethatinsogreatastupefactionofthemembersandsogreatadefectionofthesenses，thesoulcouldmaintainanyforcewithintotakecognisanceofherself，andthat，therefore，theyhadnotormentingreflectionstomakethemconsiderandbesensibleofthemiseryoftheircondition，andconsequentlywerenotmuchtobepitied。

Ican，formypart，thinkofnostatesoinsupportableanddreadful，astohavethesoulvividandafflicted，withoutmeanstodeclareitself;asoneshouldsayofsuchasaresenttoexecutionwiththeirtonguesfirstcutout（wereitnotthatinthiskindofdying，themostsilentseemstomethemostgraceful，ifaccompaniedwithagraveandconstantcountenance）;orifthosemiserableprisoners，whofallintothehandsofthebasehangmansoldiersofthisage，bywhomtheyaretormentedwithallsortsofinhumanusagetocompelthemtosomeexcessiveandimpossibleransom;kept，inthemeantime，insuchconditionandplace，wheretheyhavenomeansofexpressingorsignifyingtheirthoughtsandtheirmisery。Thepoetshavefeignedsomegodswhofavourthedeliveranceofsuchassufferunderalanguishingdeath:

"HuncegoDitiSacrumjussafero，tequeistocorporesolvo。"

["IbiddenofferthissacredthingtoPluto，andfromthatbodydismissthee。"——AEneid，iv。782。]

boththeinterruptedwords，andtheshortandirregularanswersonegetsfromthemsometimes，bybawlingandkeepingaclutteraboutthem;orthemotionswhichseemtoyieldsomeconsenttowhatwewouldhavethemdo，arenotestimony，nevertheless，thattheylive，anentirelifeatleast。

Soithappenstousintheyawningofsleep，beforeithasfullypossessedus，toperceive，asinadream，whatisdoneaboutus，andtofollowthelastthingsthataresaidwithaperplexedanduncertainhearingwhichseemsbuttotouchuponthebordersofthesoul;andtomakeanswerstothelastwordsthathavebeenspokentous，whichhavemoreinthemofchancethansense。

NowseeingIhaveineffecttriedit，IhavenodoubtbutIhavehithertomadearightjudgment;forfirst，beinginaswoon，Ilabouredtoripopenthebuttonsofmydoubletwithmynails，formyswordwasgone;andyetIfeltnothinginmyimaginationthathurtme;forwehavemanymotionsinusthatdonotproceedfromourdirection;

"Semianimesquemicantdigiti，ferrumqueretractant;"

["Half—deadfingersgropeabout，andgraspagainthesword。"

——AEneid，x。396。]

sofallingpeopleextendtheirarmsbeforethembyanaturalimpulse，whichpromptsourlimbstoofficesandmotionswithoutanycommissionfromourreason。

"Falciferosmemorantcurrusabscinderemembra……

UttremereinterravideaturabartubusidquodDeciditabscissum;cummenstamenatquehominisvisMobilitatemali，nonquitsentiredolorem。"

["Theyrelatethatscythe—bearingchariotsmowofflimbs，sothattheyquiverontheground;andyetthemindofhimfromwhomthelimbistakenbytheswiftnessoftheblowfeelsnopain。"

——Lucretius，iii。642。]

Mystomachwassooppressedwiththecoagulatedblood，thatmyhandsmovedtothatpart，oftheirownvoluntarymotion，astheyfrequentlydotothepartthatitches，withoutbeingdirectedbyourwill。Thereareseveralanimals，andevenmen，inwhomonemayperceivethemusclestostirandtrembleaftertheyaredead。Everyoneexperimentallyknowsthattherearesomememberswhichgrowstiffandflagwithouthisleave。

Now，thosepassionswhichonlytouchtheoutwardbarkofus，cannotbesaidtobeours:tomakethemso，theremustbeaconcurrenceofthewholeman;andthepainswhicharefeltbythehandorthefootwhilewearesleeping，arenoneofours。

AsIdrewnearmyownhouse，wherethealarmofmyfallwasalreadygotbeforeme，andmyfamilywerecomeouttomeetme，withthehubbubusualinsuchcases，notonlydidImakesomelittleanswertosomequestionswhichwereaskedme;buttheymoreovertellme，thatIwassufficientlycollectedtoorderthemtobringahorsetomywifewhomontheroad，Isawstrugglingandtiringherselfwhichishillyandrugged。Thisshouldseemtoproceedfromasoulitsfunctions;butitwasnothingsowithme。IknewnotwhatIsaidordid，andtheywerenothingbutidlethoughtsintheclouds，thatwerestirredupbythesensesoftheeyesandears，andproceedednotfromme。Iknewnotforallthat，whenceI

cameorwhitherIwent，neitherwasIcapabletoweighandconsiderwhatwassaidtome:thesewerelighteffects，thatthesensesproducedofthemselvesasofcustom;whatthesoulcontributedwasinadream，lightlytouched，lickedandbedewedbythesoftimpressionofthesenses。

Notwithstanding，myconditionwas，intruth，veryeasyandquiet;Ihadnoafflictionuponme，eitherforothersormyself;itwasanextremelanguorandweakness，withoutanymannerofpain。Isawmyownhouse，butknewitnot。WhentheyhadputmetobedIfoundaninexpressiblesweetnessinthatrepose;forIhadbeendesperatelytuggedandluggedbythosepoorpeoplewhohadtakenthepainstocarrymeupontheirarmsaverygreatandaveryroughway，andhadinsodoingallquitetiredoutthemselves，twiceorthriceoneafteranother。Theyofferedmeseveralremedies，butIwouldtakenone，certainlybelievingthatIwasmortallywoundedinthehead。And，inearnest，ithadbeenaveryhappydeath，fortheweaknessofmyunderstandingdeprivedmeofthefacultyofdiscerning，andthatofmybodyofthesenseoffeeling;Iwassufferingmyselftoglideawaysosweetlyandaftersosoftandeasyamanner，thatIscarcefindanyotheractionlesstroublesomethanthatwas。ButwhenIcameagaintomyselfandtoresumemyfaculties:

"Uttandemsensusconvalueremei，"

["Whenatlengthmylostsensesagainreturned。"

——Ovid，Trist。，i。3，14。]

whichwastwoorthreehoursafter，Ifeltmyselfonasuddeninvolvedinterriblepain，havingmylimbsbatteredandgroundwithmyfall，andwas。

soillfortwoorthreenightsafter，thatIthoughtIwasoncemoredyingagain，butamorepainfuldeath，havingconcludedmyselfasgoodasdeadbefore，andtothishouramsensibleofthebruisesofthatterribleshock。Iwillnothereomit，thatthelastthingIcou