第36章

Now，formypart，Ihadratherbetroublesomeandindiscreetthanaflattererandadissembler。IconfessthattheremaybesomemixtureofprideandobstinacyinkeepingmyselfsouprightandopenasIdo，withoutanyconsiderationofothers;andmethinksIamalittletoofree，whereIoughtleasttobeso，andthatIgrowhotbytheoppositionofrespect;anditmaybealso，thatIsuffermyselftofollowthepropensionofmyownnatureforwantofart;usingthesameliberty，speech，andcountenancetowardsgreatpersons，thatIbringwithmefrommyownhouse:Iamsensiblehowmuchitdeclinestowardsincivilityandindiscretionbut，besidesthatIamsobred，Ihavenotawitsuppleenoughtoevadeasuddenquestion，andtoescapebysomeevasion，nortofeignatruth，normemoryenoughtoretainitsofeigned;nor，truly，assuranceenoughtomaintainit，andsoplaythebraveoutofweakness。

AndthereforeitisthatIabandonmyselftocandour，alwaystospeakasIthink，bothbycomplexionanddesign，leavingtheeventtofortune。

Aristippuswaswonttosay，thattheprincipalbenefithehadextractedfromphilosophywasthathespokefreelyandopenlytoall。

Memoryisafacultyofwonderfuluse，andwithoutwhichthejudgmentcanveryhardlyperformitsoffice:formypartIhavenoneatall。Whatanyonewillpropoundtome，hemustdoitpiecemeal，fortoansweraspeechconsistingofseveralheadsIamnotable。Icouldnotreceiveacommissionbywordofmouthwithoutanote—book。AndwhenIhaveaspeechofconsequencetomake，ifitbelong，Iamreducedtothemiserablenecessityofgettingbyheartwordforword，whatIamtosay;

Ishouldotherwisehaveneithermethodnorassurance，beinginfearthatmymemorywouldplaymeaslipperytrick。Butthiswayisnolessdifficulttomethantheother;Imusthavethreehourstolearnthreeverses。Andbesides，inaworkofaman’sown，thelibertyandauthorityofalteringtheorder，ofchangingaword，incessantlyvaryingthematter，makesithardertostickinthememoryoftheauthor。ThemoreImistrustittheworseitis;itservesmebestbychance;Imustsolicititnegligently;forifIpressit，’tisconfused，andafteritoncebeginstostagger，themoreIsoundit，themoreitisperplexed;

itservesmeatitsownhour，notatmine。

AndthesamedefectIfindinmymemory，Ifindalsoinseveralotherparts。Iflycommand，obligation，andconstraint;thatwhichIcanotherwisenaturallyandeasilydo，ifIimposeituponmyselfbyanexpressandstrictinjunction，Icannotdoit。Eventhemembersofmybody，whichhaveamoreparticularjurisdictionoftheirown，sometimesrefusetoobeyme，ifIenjointhemanecessaryserviceatacertainhour。Thistyrannicalandcompulsiveappointmentbafflesthem;theyshrinkupeitherthroughfearorspite，andfallintoatrance。Beingonceinaplacewhereitislookeduponasbarbarousdiscourtesynottopledgethosewhodrinktoyou，thoughIhadtherealllibertyallowedme，Itriedtoplaythegoodfellow，outofrespecttotheladieswhowerethere，accordingtothecustomofthecountry;buttherewassportenoughforthispressureandpreparation，toforcemyselfcontrarytomycustomandinclination，sostoppedmythroatthatIcouldnotswallowonedrop，andwasdeprivedofdrinkingsomuchaswithmymeat;Ifoundmyselfgorged，andmy，thirstquenchedbythequantityofdrinkthatmyimaginationhadswallowed。Thiseffectismostmanifestinsuchashavethemostvehementandpowerfulimagination:butitisnatural，notwithstanding，andthereisnoonewhodoesnotinsomemeasurefeelit。Theyofferedanexcellentarcher，condemnedtodie，tosavehislife，ifhewouldshowsomenotableproofofhisart，butherefusedtotry，fearinglestthetoogreatcontentionofhiswillshouldmakehimshootwide，andthatinsteadofsavinghislife，heshouldalsolosethereputationhehadgotofbeingagoodmarksman。Amanwhothinksofsomethingelse，willnotfailtotakeoverandoveragainthesamenumberandmeasureofsteps，eventoaninch，intheplacewherehewalks;butifhemadeithisbusinesstomeasureandcountthem，hewillfindthatwhathedidbynatureandaccident，hecannotsoexactlydobydesign。

Mylibrary，whichisafineoneamongthoseofthevillagetype，issituatedinacornerofmyhouse;ifanythingcomesintomyheadthatI

haveamindtosearchortowrite，lestIshouldforgetitinbutgoingacrossthecourt，Iamfaintocommitittothememoryofsomeother。

IfIventureinspeakingtodigressneversolittlefrommysubject，Iaminfalliblylost，whichisthereasonthatIkeepmyself，indiscourse，strictlyclose。Iamforcedtocallthemenwhoservemeeitherbythenamesoftheirofficesortheircountry;fornamesareveryhardformetoremember。Icantellindeedthattherearethreesyllables，thatithasaharshsound，andthatitbeginsorendswithsuchaletter;butthat’sall;andifIshouldlivelong，IdonotdoubtbutIshouldforgetmyownname，assomeothershavedone。MessalaCorvinuswastwoyearswithoutanytraceofmemory，whichisalsosaidofGeorgiusTrapezuntius。

Formyowninterest，Ioftenmeditatewhatakindoflifetheirswas，andif，withoutthisfaculty，Ishouldhaveenoughlefttosupportmewithanymannerofease;andpryingnarrowlyintoit，Ifearthatthisprivation，ifabsolute，destroysalltheotherfunctionsofthesoul:

"Plenusrimarumsum，hacatqueiliacperfluo。"

["I’mfullofchinks，andleakouteveryway。"

——Ter。，Eunuchus，ii。2，23。]

IthasbefallenmemorethanoncetoforgetthewatchwordIhadthreehoursbeforegivenorreceived，andtoforgetwhereIhadhiddenmypurse;whateverCiceroispleasedtosay，IhelpmyselftolosewhatI

haveaparticularcaretolocksafeup:

"MemoriacertenonmodoPhilosophiamsedomnisvitaeusum，omnesqueartes，unamaximecontinet。"

["Itiscertainthatmemorycontainsnotonlyphilosophy，butalltheartsandallthatappertaintotheuseoflife。"

——Cicero，Acad。，ii。7。]

Memoryisthereceptacleandcaseofscience:andthereforeminebeingsotreacherous，ifIknowlittle，Icannotmuchcomplain。Iknow，ingeneral，thenamesofthearts，andofwhattheytreat，butnothingmore。

Iturnoverbooks;Idonotstudythem。WhatIretainInolongerrecogniseasanother’s;’tisonlywhatmyjudgmenthasmadeitsadvantageof，thediscoursesandimaginationsinwhichithasbeeninstructed:theauthor，place，words，andothercircumstances，Iimmediatelyforget;andIamsoexcellentatforgetting，thatInolessforgetmyownwritingsandcompositionsthantherest。Iamveryoftenquotedtomyself，andamnotawareofit。WhoevershouldinquireofmewhereIhadtheversesandexamples，thatIhaveherehuddledtogether，wouldpuzzlemetotellhim，andyetIhavenotborrowedthembutfromfamousandknownauthors，notcontentingmyselfthattheywererich，ifI，moreover，hadthemnotfromrichandhonourablehands，wherethereisaconcurrenceofauthoritywithreason。Itisnogreatwonderifmybookrunthesamefortunethatotherbooksdo，ifmymemorylosewhatIhavewrittenaswellaswhatIhaveread，andwhatIgive，aswellaswhatIreceive。

Besidesthedefectofmemory，Ihaveotherswhichverymuchcontributetomyignorance;Ihaveaslowandheavywit，theleastcloudstopsitsprogress，sothat，forexample，Ineverproposetoitanyneversoeasyariddlethatitcouldfindout;thereisnottheleastidlesubtletythatwillnotgravelme;ingames，wherewitisrequired，aschess，draughts，andthelike，Iunderstandnomorethanthecommonmovements。Ihaveaslowandperplexedapprehension，butwhatitonceapprehends，itapprehendswell，forthetimeitretainsit。Mysightisperfect，entire，anddiscoversataverygreatdistance，butissoonwearyandheavyatwork，whichoccasionsthatIcannotreadlong，butamforcedtohaveonetoreadtome。TheyoungerPlinycaninformsuchashavenotexperimenteditthemselves，howimportantanimpedimentthisistothosewhodevotethemselvestothisemployment。

Thereisnosowretchedandcoarseasoul，whereinsomeparticularfacultyisnotseentoshine;nosoulsoburiedinslothandignorance，butitwillsallyatoneendoranother;andhowitcomestopassthatamanblindandasleeptoeverythingelse，shallbefoundsprightly，clear，andexcellentinsomeoneparticulareffect，wearetoinquireofourmasters:butthebeautifulsoulsaretheythatareuniversal，open，andreadyforallthings;ifnotinstructed，atleastcapableofbeingso;

whichIsaytoaccusemyown;forwhetheritbethroughinfirmityornegligence（andtoneglectthatwhichliesatourfeet，whichwehaveinourhands，andwhatnearestconcernstheuseoflife，isfarfrommydoctrine）thereisnotasoulintheworldsoawkwardasmine，andsoignorantofmanycommonthings，andsuchasamancannotwithoutshamefailtoknow。Imustgivesomeexamples。

Iwasbornandbredupinthecountry，andamongsthusbandmen;Ihavehadbusinessandhusbandryinmyownhandseversincemypredecessors，whowerelordsoftheestateInowenjoy，leftmetosucceedthem;andyetI

canneithercastaccounts，norreckonmycounters:mostofourcurrentmoneyIdonotknow，northedifferencebetwixtonegrainandanother，eithergrowingorinthebarn，ifitbenottooapparent，andscarcelycandistinguishbetweenthecabbageandlettuceinmygarden。Idonotsomuchasunderstandthenamesofthechiefinstrumentsofhusbandry，northemostordinaryelementsofagriculture，whichtheverychildrenknow:muchlessthemechanicarts，traffic，merchandise，thevarietyandnatureoffruits，wines，andviands，norhowtomakeahawkfly，nortophysicahorseoradog。And，sinceImustpublishmywholeshame，’tisnotaboveamonthago，thatIwastrappedinmyignoranceoftheuseofleaventomakebread，ortowhatenditwastokeepwineinthevat。

TheyconjecturedofoldatAthens，anaptitudeforthemathematicsinhimtheysawingeniouslybavinupaburthenofbrushwood。Inearnest，theywoulddrawaquitecontraryconclusionfromme，forgivemethewholeprovisionandnecessariesofakitchen，Ishouldstarve。Bythesefeaturesofmyconfessionmenmayimagineotherstomyprejudice:butwhateverIdelivermyselftobe，provideditbesuchasIreallyam，Ihavemyend;neitherwillImakeanyexcuseforcommittingtopapersuchmeanandfrivolousthingsasthese:themeannessofthesubjectcompellsmetoit。Theymay，iftheyplease，accusemyproject，butnotmyprogress:soitis，thatwithoutanybody’sneedingtotellme，I

sufficientlyseeofhowlittleweightandvalueallthisis，andthefollyofmydesign:’tisenoughthatmyjudgmentdoesnotcontradictitself，ofwhichthesearetheessays。

"Nasutussisusquelicet，sisdeniquenasus，QuantumnolueritferrerogatusAtlas;

EtpossisipsumtoderidereLatinum，Nonpotesinnugasdicerepluramess，Ipseegoquamdixi:quiddentemdentejuvabitRodere？carneopusest，sisaturessevelis。

Neperdasoperam;quisemirantur，inillosVirushabe;noshaecnovimusessenihil。"

["Letyournosebeaskeenasitwill，beallnose，andevenanosesogreatthatAtlaswillrefusetobearit:ifasked，CouldyouevenexcelLatinusinscoffing;againstmytriflesyoucouldsaynomorethanImyselfhavesaid:thentowhatendcontendtoothagainsttooth？Youmusthaveflesh，ifyouwanttobefull;losenotyourlabourthen;castyourvenomuponthosethatadmirethemselves;I

knowalreadythatthesethingsareworthless。"——Mart。，xiii。2。]

Iamnotobligednottoutterabsurdities，providedIamnotdeceivedinthemandknowthemtobesuch:andtotripknowingly，issoordinarywithme，thatIseldomdoitotherwise，andrarelytripbychance。’Tisnogreatmattertoaddridiculousactionstothetemerityofmyhumour，sinceIcannotordinarilyhelpsupplyingitwiththosethatarevicious。

IwaspresentonedayatBarleduc，whenKingFrancisII。，foramemorialofRene，kingofSicily，waspresentedwithaportraithehaddrawnofhimself:whyisitnotinlikemannerlawfulforeveryonetodrawhimselfwithapen，ashedidwithacrayon？Iwillnot，therefore，omitthisblemishthoughveryunfittobepublished，whichisirresolution;averygreateffectandveryincommodiousinthenegotiationsoftheaffairsoftheworld;indoubtfulenterprises，Iknownotwhichtochoose:

"Nesi，neno，nelcormisuonaintero。"

["Myheartdoesnottellmeeitheryesorno。"——Petrarch。]

Icanm