Lord Jim

第26章

“`Butterfly?“heasked,withanunbelievingandhumorouseagerness。

“`Nothingsoperfect,“Ianswered,feelingsuddenlydispiritedwithallsortsofdoubts。“Aman!“

“`Achso!“hemurmured,andhissmilingcountenance,turnedtome,becamegrave。Thenafterlookingatmeforawhilehesaidslowly,“Well——Iamaman,too。“

`Hereyouhavehimashewas;heknewhowtobesogenerouslyencouragingastomakeascrupulousmanhesitateonthebrinkofconfidence;butifIdidhesitateitwasnotforlong。

`Heheardmeout,sittingwithcrossedlegs。Sometimeshisheadwoulddisappearcompletelyinagreateruptionofsmoke,andasympatheticgrowlwouldcomeoutfromthecloud。WhenIfinishedheuncrossedhislegs,laiddownhispipe,leanedforwardtowardsmeearnestlywithhiselbowsonthearmsofhischair,thetipsofhisfingerstogether。

“`Iunderstandverywell。Heisromantic。“

`Hehaddiagnosedthecaseforme,andatfirstIwasquitestartledtofindhowsimpleitwas;andindeedourconferenceresembledsomuchamedicalconsultation——Stein,oflearnedaspect,sittinginanarm-chairbeforehisdesk;I,anxious,inanother,facinghim,butalittletooneside——thatitseemednaturaltoask:

“`What’sgoodforit?“

`Heliftedupalongforefinger。

“`Thereisonlyoneremedy!Onethingalonecanusfrombeingourselvescure!“Thefingercamedownonthedeskwithasmartrap。Thecasewhichhehadmadetolooksosimplebeforebecameifpossiblestillsimpler——andaltogetherhopeless。Therewasapause。“Yes,“saidI,“strictlyspeaking,thequestionisnothowtogetcured,buthowtolive。’

`Heapprovedwithhishead,alittlesadlyasitseemed。“Ja!ja!Ingeneral,adaptingthewordsofyourgreatpoet:Thatisthequestion……“Hewentonnoddingsympathetically……“Howtobe!Ach!Howtobe!“

`Hestoodupwiththetipsofhisfingersrestingonthedesk。“`Wewantinsomanydifferentwaystobe,“hebeganagain。“Thismagnificentbutterflyfindsalittleheapofdirtandsitsstillonit;butmanhewillneveronhisheapofmudkeepstill。Hewanttobeso,andagainhewanttobeso……“Hemovedhishandup,thendown……“Hewantstobeasaint,andhewantstobeadevil——andeverytimeheshutshiseyesheseeshimselfasaveryfinefellow——sofineashecanneverbe……Inadream……“

`Heloweredtheglasslid,theautomaticlockclickedsharply,andtakingupthecaseinbothhandsheboreitreligiouslyawaytoitsplace,passingoutofthebrightcircleofthelampintotheringoffainterlight——intoshapelessduskatlast。Ithadanoddeffect——asifthesefewstepshadcarriedhimoutofthisconcreteandperplexedworld。Histallform,asthoughrobbedofitssubstance,hoverednoiselesslyoverinvisiblethingswithstoopingandindefinitemovements;hisvoice,heardinthatremotenesswherehecouldbeglimpsedmysteriouslybusywithimmaterialcares,wasnolongerincisive,seemedtorollvoluminousandgrave——mellowedbydistance。

“`Andbecauseyounotalwayscankeepyoureyesshuttherecomestherealtrouble——theheartpain——theworldpain。Itellyou,myfriend,itisnotgoodforyoutofindyoucannotmakeyourdreamcometrue,forthereasonthatyounotstrongenoughare,ornotcleverenough。Ja!……Andallthetimeyouaresuchafinefellow,too!Wie?Was?GottinHimmel!Howcanthatbe?Ha!ha!ha!“

`Theshadowprowlingamongstthegravesofbutterflieslaughedboisterously。

“`Yes!Veryfunnythisterriblethingis。Amanthatisbornfallsintoadreamlikeamanwhofallsintothesea。Ifhetriestoclimboutintotheairasinexperiencedpeopleendeavourtodo,hedrowns——nichtwahr?……No!Itellyou!Thewayistothedestructiveelementsubmityourself,andwiththeexertionsofyourhandsandfeetinthewatermakethedeep,deepseakeepyouup。Soifyouaskme——howtobe?“

`Hisvoiceleapedupextraordinarilystrong,asthoughawaythereintheduskhehadbeeninspiredbysomewhisperofknowledge。“Iwilltellyou!Forthat,too,thereisonlyoneway。“

`Withahastyswish-swishofhisslippersheloomedupintheringoffaintlight,andsuddenlyappearedinthebrightcircleofthelamp。Hisextendedhandaimedatmybreastlikeapistol;hisdeep-seteyesseemedtopiercethroughme,buthistwitchinglipsutterednoword,andtheaustereexaltationofacertitudeseenintheduskvanishedfromhisface。Thehandthathadbeenpointingatmybreastfell,andbyandby,comingastepnearer,helaiditgentlyonmyshoulder。Therewerethings,hesaidmournfully,thatperhapscouldneverbetold,onlyhehadlivedsomuchalonethatsometimesheforgot——heforgot。Thelighthaddestroyedtheassurancewhichhadinspiredhiminthedistantshadows。Hesatdownand,withbothelbowsonthedesk,rubbedhisforehead。“Andyetitistrue——itistrue。Inthedestructiveelementimmerse。“……Hespokeinasubduedtone,withoutlookingatme,onehandoneachsideofhisface。“Thatwastheway。Tofollowthedream,andagaintofollowthedream——andso——ewig——usqueadfinem……“Thewhisperofhisconvictionseemedtoopenbeforemeavastanduncertainexpanse,asofacrepuscularhorizononaplainatdawn——orwasit,percha

这是VIP章节,可购买本章或开通会员后阅读
开通会员
字体大小
背景颜色