第18章

“Nodoubt，nodoubt，“heagreedhalfaudibly，then，asifaftermatureconsideration，murmured，“Evidently。“Imadenodifficultyincommunicatingtohimwhathadinterestedmemostinthisaffair。Itseemedasthoughhehadarighttoknow：hadn’thespentthirtyhoursonboardthePatna——hadhenottakenthesuccession，sotospeak，hadhenotdone“hispossible“？

Helistenedtome，lookingpriestlikethanever，andwithwhat——probablyonaccountofhisdowncasteyes——hadtheappearanceofdevoutconcentration。

Onceortwiceheelevatedhiseyebrows(butwithoutraisinghiseyelids)，asonewouldsay，“Thedevil!“Oncehecalmlyexclaimed，“Ah，bah!“underhisbreath，andwhenIhadfinishedhepursedhislipsinadeliberatewayandemittedasortofsorrowfulwhistle。

`Inanyoneelseitmighthavebeenevidenceofboredom，asignofindifference；

buthe，inhisoccultway，managedtomakehisimmobilityappearprofoundlyresponsive，andasfullofvaluablethoughtsasaneggisofmeat。Whathesaidatlastwasnothingmorethana“veryinteresting，“pronouncedpolitely，andnotmuchaboveawhisper。BeforeIgotovermydisappointmentheadded，butasifspeakingtohimself，“That’sit。Thatisit。“

Hischinseemedtosinkloweronhisbreast，hisbodytoweighheavieronhisseat。Iwasabouttoaskhimwhathemeantwhenasortofpreparatorytremorpassedoverhiswholeperson，asafaintripplemaybeseenuponstagnantwaterevenbeforethewindisfelt。“Andsothatpooryoungmanranawayalongwiththeothers，“hesaid，withgravetranquillity。

`Idon’tknowwhatmademesmile：itistheonlygenuinesmileofmineIcanrememberinconnectionwithJim’saffair。ButsomehowthissimplestatementofthemattersoundedfunnyinFrench……“S’estenfuiaveclesautres，“hadsaidthelieutenant。AndsuddenlyIbegantoadmirethediscriminationoftheman。Hehadmadeoutthepointatonce：

hedidgetholdoftheonlythingIcaredabout。IfeltasthoughIweretakingprofessionalopiniononthecase。Hisimperturbableandmaturecalmnesswasthatofanexpertinpossessionofthefacts，andtowhomone’sperplexitiesaremerechild’splay。“Ah!Theyoung，theyoung，“hesaid，indulgently。

“Andafterall，onedoesnotdieofit。““Dieofwhat？“Iasked，swiftly。

“Ofbeingafraid。“Heelucidatedhismeaningandsippedhisdrink。

`Iperceivedthatthethreelastfingersofhiswoundedhandwerestiffandcouldnotmoveindependentlyofeachother，sothathetookuphistumblerwithanungainlyclutch。“Oneisalwaysafraid。Onemaytalk，but……“Heputdowntheglassawkwardly……“Thefear，thefear——lookyou——itisalwaysthere。“……HetouchedhisbreastnearabrassbuttonontheveryspotwhereJimhadgivenathumptohisownwhenprotestingthattherewasnothingthematterwithhisheart。IsupposeImadesomesignofdissent，becauseheinsisted，“Yes!yes!Onetalks，onetalks；

thisisallveryfine；butattheendofthereckoningoneisnoclevererthanthenextman——andnomorebrave。Brave!Thisisalwaystobeseen。

Ihaverolledmyhump(roulemabosse)，“hesaid，usingtheslangexpressionwithimperturbableseriousness，“inallpartsoftheworld；

Ihaveknownbravemen——famousones!Allez!“……Hedrankcarelessly……“Brave——youconceive——intheService——onehasgottobe——thetradedemandsit(lemetierveutca)。Isitnotso？“heappealedtomereasonably。“Ehbien!Eachofthem——Isayeachofthem，ifhewereanhonestman——bienentendu——wouldconfessthatthereisapoint——thereisapoint——forthebestofus——thereissomewhereapointwhenyouletgoeverything(vouslacheztout)。Andyouhavegottolivewiththattruth——doyousee？Givenacertaincombinationofcircumstances，fearissuretocome。Abominablefunk(untracepouvantable)。Andevenforthosewhodonotbelievethistruththereisfearallthesame——thefearofthemselves。Absolutelyso。Trustme。Yes。Yes……Atmyageoneknowswhatoneistalkingabout——quediable!“……Hehaddeliveredhimselfofallthisasimmovablyasthoughhehadbeenthemouthpieceofabstractwisdom，butatthispointheheightenedtheeffectofdetachmentbybeginningtotwirlhisthumbsslowly。“It’sevident——parbleu!“

hecontinued；“for，makeupyourmindasmuchasyoulike，evenasimpleheadacheorafitofindigestion(underangementd’estomac)isenoughto……Takeme，forinstance——Ihavemademyproofs。Ehbien!I，whoamspeakingtoyou，once……“

`Hedrainedhisglassandreturnedtohistwirling。“No，no；onedoesnotdieofit，“hepronounced，finally，andwhenIfoundhedidnotmeantoproceedwiththepersonalanecdote，Iwasextremelydisappointed；themoresoasitwasnotthesortofstory，youknow，onecouldverywellpresshimfor。Isatsilent，andhetoo，asifnothingcouldpleasehimbetter。Evenhisthumbswerestillnow。Suddenlyhislipsbegantomove。

“Thatisso，“heresumed，placidly。“Manisbornacoward(L’hommeestnepoltron)。Itisadifficulty——parbleu!Itwouldbetooeasyotherwise。Buthabit——habit——necessity——doyousee？——theeyeofothers——voila。

Oneputsupwithit。Andthentheexampleofotherswhoarenobetterthanyourself，andyetmakegoodcountenance……“

`Hisvoiceceased。

“`Thatyoungman——youwillobserve——hadnoneoftheseinducements——atleastatthemoment，“Iremarked。

`Heraisedhiseyebrowsforgivingly：“Idon’tsay；Idon’tsay。Theyoungmaninquestionmighthavehadthebestdispositions——thebestdispositions，“

herepeated，wheezingalittle。

“`Iamgladtoseeyoutakingalenientview，“Isaid。“Hisownfeelinginthatmatterwas——ah!——hopeful，and……“

`Theshuffleofhisfeetunderthetableinterruptedme。Hedrewuphisheavyeyelids。Drewup，Isay——nootherexpressioncandescribethesteadydeliberationoftheact——andatlastwasdisclosedcompletelytome。Iwasconfrontedbytwonarrowgreycirclets，liketwotinysteelringsaroundtheprofoundblacknessofthepupils。Thesharpglance，comingfromthatmassivebody，gaveanotionofextremeefficiency，likearazor-edgeonabattle-axe。“Pardon，“hesaid，punctiliously。Hisrighthandwentup，andheswayedforward。“Allowme……Icontendedthatonemaygetonknowingverywellthatone’scouragedoesnotcomeofitself(nevientpastoutseul)。There’snothingmuchinthattogetupsetabout。

Onetruththemoreoughtnottomakelifeimpossible……Butthehonour——thehonour，monsieur!……Thehonour……thatisreal——thatis!Andwhatlifemaybeworthwhen“……hehegotonhisfeetwithaponderousimpetuosity，asastartledoxmightscrambleupfromthegrass……“whenthehonourisgone——ahca!parexemple——Icanoffernoopinion。Icanoffernoopinion——because——monsieur——Iknownothingofit。“

`Ihadrisen，too，and，tryingtothrowinfinitepolitenessintoourattitudes，wefacedeachothermutely，liketwochinadogsonamantelpiece。

Hangthefellow!hehadprickedthebubble。Theblightoffutilitythatliesinwaitformen’sspeecheshadfallenuponourconversation，andmadeitathingofemptysounds。“Verywell，“Isaid，withadisconcertedsmile，“butcouldn’titreduceitselftonotbeingfoundout？“Hemadeasiftoretortreadily，butwhenhespokehechangedhismind。“This，monsieur，istoofineforme——muchaboveme——Idon’tthinkaboutit。“Hebowedheavilyoverhiscap，whichheheldbeforehimbythepeak，betweenthethumbandtheforefingerofhiswoundedhand。Ibowed，too。Webowedtogether：wescrapedourfeetateachotherwithmuchceremony，whileadirtyspecimenofawaiterlookedoncritically，asthoughhehadpaidfortheperformance。

“Serviteur，“saidtheFrenchman。Anotherscrape。“Monsieur“……“Monsieur。“……Theglassdoorswungbehindhisburlyback。Isawthesoutherlybustergetholdofhimanddrivehimdownwindwithhishandtohishead，hisshouldersbraced，andthetailsofhiscoatblownhardagainsthislegs。

`Isatdownagainaloneanddiscouraged——discouragedaboutJim’scase。

Ifyouwonderthataftermorethanthreeyearsithadpreserveditsactuality，youmustknowthatIhadseenhimonlyverylately。IhadcomestraightfromSamarang，whereIhadloadedacargoforSydney；anutterlyuninterestingbitofbusiness——whatCharleyherewouldcalloneofmyrationaltransactions——andinSamarangIhadseensomethingofJim。HewasthenworkingforDeJongh，onmyrecommendation。Water-clerk。“Myrepresentativeafloat，“asDeJonghcalledhim。Youcan’timagineamodeoflifemorebarrenofconsolation，lesscapableofbeinginvestedwithasparkofglamour——unlessitbethebusinessofaninsurancecanvasser。LittleBobStanton-Charleyhereknewhimwell——hadgonethroughthatexperience。Thesamewhogotdrownedafterwardstryingtosavealady’s-maidintheSephoradisaster。AcaseofcollisiononahazymorningofftheSpanishcoast，youmayremember。AllthepassengershadbeenpackedtidilyintotheboatsandshovedclearoftheshipwhenBobsheeredalongsideagainandscrambledbackondecktofetchthatgirl。HowshehadbeenleftbehindIcan’tmakeout；anyhow，shehadgonecompletelycrazy——wouldn’tleavetheship——heldtotheraillikegrimdeath。Thewrestling-matchcouldbeseenplainlyfromtheboats；

butpoorBobwastheshortestchiefmateinthemerchantservice，andthewomanstoodfivefeetteninhershoesandwasasstrongasahorse，I’vebeentold。Soitwenton，pulldevil，pullbaker，thewretchedgirlscreamingallthetime，andBoblettingoutayellnowandthentowarnhisboattokeepwellclearoftheship。Oneofthehandstoldme，hidingasmileattherecollection，“Itwasforalltheworld，sir，likeanaughtyyoungsterfightingwithhismother。“Thesameoldchapsaidthat“AtthelastwecouldseethatMr。Stantonhadgivenuphaulingatthegal，andjuststoodbylookingather，watchfullike。Wethoughtafterwardshemust’vebeenreckoningthat，maybe，therushofwaterwouldtearherawayfromtherailbyandbyandgivehimashowtosaveher。Wedaren’tcomealongsideforourlife；andafterabittheoldshipwentdownallonasuddenwithalurchtostarboard——plop。Thesuckinwassomethingawful。Weneversawanythingaliveordeadcomeup。“PoorBob’sspellofshore-lifehadbeenoneofthecomplicationsofaloveaffair，Ibelieve。Hefondlyhopedhehaddonewiththeseaforever，andmadesurehehadgotholdofalltheblissonearth，butitcametocanvassingintheend。SomecousinofhisinLiver-poolputhimuptoit。Heusedtotellushisexperiencesinthatline。Hemadeuslaughtillwecried，and，notaltogetherdispleasedattheeffect，undersizedandbeardedtothewaistlikeagnome，hewouldtiptoeamongstusandsay，“It’sallverywellforyoubeggarstolaugh，butmyimmortalsoulwasshrivelleddowntothesizeofaparchedpeaafteraweekofthatwork。“Idon’tknowhowJim’ssoulaccommodateditselftothenewconditionsofhislife——Iwaskepttoobusyingettinghimsomethingtodothatwouldkeepbodyandsoultogether——butIamprettycertainhisadventurousfancywassufferingallthepangsofstarvation。Ithadcertainlynothingtofeeduponinthisnewcalling。Itwasdistressingtoseehimatit，thoughhetackleditwithastubbornserenityforwhichImustgivehimfullcredit。Ikeptmyeyeonhisshabbyploddingwithasortofnotionthatitwasapunishmentfortheheroicsofhisfancy——anexpiationforhiscravingaftermoreglamourthanhecouldcarry。Hehadlovedtoowelltoimaginehimselfagloriousracehorse，andnowhewascondemnedtotoilwithouthonourlikeacostermonger’sdonkey。Hediditverywell。Heshuthimselfin，puthisheaddown，saidneveraword。Verywell；verywellindeed——exceptforcertainfantasticandviolentoutbreaks，onthedeplorableoccasionswhentheirrepressiblePatnacasecroppedup。UnfortunatelythatscandaloftheEasternseaswouldnotdieout。AndthisisthereasonwhyIcouldneverfeelIhaddonewithJimforgood。

`IsatthinkingofhimaftertheFrenchlieutenanthadleft，not，however，inconnectionwithDeJongh’scoolandgloomyback-shop，wherewehadhurriedlyshakenhandsnotverylongago，butasIhadseenhimyearsbeforeinthelastflickersofthecandle，alonewithmeinthelonggalleryoftheMalabarHouse，withthechillandthedarknessofthenightathisback。Therespectableswordofhiscountry’slawwassuspendedoverhishead。To-morrow——orwasitto-day？(midnighthadslippedbylongbeforeweparted)——themarble-facedpolicemagistrate，afterdistributingfinesandtermsofimprisonmentintheassault-and-batterycase，wouldtakeuptheawfulweaponandsmitehisbowedneck。Ourcommunioninthenightwasuncommonlylikealastvigilwithacondemnedman。Hewasguilty，too。Hewasguilty——asIhadtoldmyselfrepeatedly，guiltyanddonefor；nevertheless，Iwishedtosparehimthemeredetailofaformalexecution。Idon’tpretendtoexplainthereasonsofmydesire——Idon’tthinkIcould；butifyouhaven’tgotasortofnotionbythistime，thenImusthavebeenveryobscureinmynarrative，oryoutoosleepytoseizeuponthesenseofmywords。Idon’tdefendmymorality。TherewasnomoralityintheimpulsewhichinducedmetolaybeforehimBrierly’splanofevasion——Imaycallit——inallitsprimitivesimplicity。Thereweretherupees——absolutelyreadyinmypocketandverymuchathisservice。Oh!aloan；aloanofcourse——andifanintroductiontoaman(inRangoon)whocouldputsomeworkinhisway……why!withthegreatestpleasure。Ihadpen，ink，andpaperinmyroomonthefirstfloor。AndevenwhileIwasspeakingIwasimpatienttobegintheletter：