第16章

……Yes；Ihadaglimpseofhimthen……anditwasnotthelastofthatkind……“Youdon’tknowwhatitisforafellowinmypositiontobebelieved——makeacleanbreastofittoanelderman。Itissodifficult——soawfullyunfair——sohardtounderstand。“`Themistswereclosingagain。Idon’tknowhowoldIappearedtohim——andhowmuchwise。NothalfasoldasIfeltjustthen；nothalfasuselesslywiseasIknewmyselftobe。Surelyinnoothercraftasinthatoftheseadotheheartsofthosealreadylaunchedtosinkorswimgooutsomuchtotheyouthonthebrink，lookingwithshiningeyesuponthatglitterofthevastsurfacewhichisonlyareflectionofhisownglancesfulloffire。Thereissuchmagnificentvaguenessintheexpectationsthathaddriveneachofustosea，suchagloriousindefiniteness，suchabeautifulgreedofadventuresthataretheirownandonlyreward!Whatweget——well，wewon’ttalkofthat；butcanoneofusrestrainasmile？Innootherkindoflifeistheillusionmorewideofreality——innootheristhebeginningallillusion——thedisenchantmentmoreswift——thesubjugationmorecomplete。Hadn’tweallcommencedwiththesamedesire，endedwiththesameknowledge，carriedthememoryofthesamecherishedglamourthroughthesordiddaysofimprecation？Whatwonderthatwhensomeheavyprodgetshomethebondisfoundtobeclose；thatbesidesthefellowshipofthecraftthereisfeltthestrengthofawiderfeeling——thefeelingthatbindsamantoachild？Hewastherebeforeme，believingthatageandwisdomcanfindaremedyagainstthepainoftruth，givingmeaglimpseofhimselfasayoungfellowinascrapethatistheverydevilofascrape，thesortofscrapegreybeardswagatsolemnlywhiletheyhideasmile。Andhehadbeendeliberatingupondeath——confoundhim!Hehadfoundthattomeditateaboutbecausehethoughthehadsavedhislife，whileallitsglamourhadgonewiththeshipinthenight。Whatmorenatural!Itwastragicenoughandfunnyenoughinallconsciencetocallaloudforcompassion，andinwhatwasIbetterthantherestofustorefusehimmypity？AndevenasIlookedathimthemistsrolledintotherent，andhisvoicespoke：

“`Iwassolost，youknow。Itwasthesortofthingonedoesnotexpecttohappentoone。Itwasnotlikeafight，forinstance。“

“`Itwasnot，“Iadmitted。Heappearedchanged，asifhehadsuddenlymatured。

“`Onecouldn’tbesure，“hemuttered。

“`Ah!Youwerenotsure，“Isaid，andwasplacatedbythesoundofafaintsighthatpassedbetweenusliketheflightofabirdinthenight。

“`Well，Iwasn’t，“hesaidcourageously。“Itwassomethinglikethatwretchedstorytheymadeup。Itwasnotalie——butitwasn’ttruthallthesame。Itwassomething……Oneknowsadownrightlie。Therewasnotthethicknessofasheetofpaperbetweentherightandwrongofthisaffair。“

“`Howmuchmoredidyouwant？“Iasked；butIthinkIspokesolowthathedidnotcatchwhatIsaid。Hehadadvancedhisargumentasthoughlifehadbeenanetworkofpathsseparatedbychasms。Hisvoicesoundedreasonable。

“`SupposeIhadnot——Imeantosay，supposeIhadstucktotheship？

Well。Howmuchlonger？Sayaminute——halfaminute。Come。Inthirtyseconds，asitseemedcertainthen，Iwouldhavebeenoverboard；anddoyouthinkIwouldnothavelaidholdofthefirstthingthatcameinmyway——oar，life-buoy，grating——anything？Wouldn’tyou？“

“`Andbesaved，“Iinterjected。

“`Iwouldhavemeanttobe，“heretorted。“Andthat’smorethanImeantwhenI“……heshiveredasifabouttoswallowsomenauseousdrug……“jumped，“hepronouncedwithaconvulsiveeffort，whosestress，asifpropagatedbythewavesoftheair，mademybodystiralittleinthechair。

Hefixedmewithloweringeyes。“Don’tyoubelieveme？“hecried。“Iswear!……Confoundit!Yougotmeheretotalk，and……Youmust!……Yousaidyouwouldbelieve。““OfcourseIdo，“Iprotestedinamatter-of-facttonewhichproducedacalmingeffect。“Forgiveme，“hesaid。“OfcourseIwouldn’thavetalkedtoyouaboutallthisifyouhadnotbeenagentleman。

Ioughttohaveknown……Iam——Iam——agentleman，too……““Yes，yes，“

Isaid，hastily。Hewaslookingmesquarelyinthefaceandwithdrewhisgazeslowly。“NowyouunderstandwhyIdidn’tafterall……didn’tgooutinthatway。Iwasn’tgoingtobefrightenedatwhatIhaddone。And，anyhow，ifIhadstucktotheshipIwouldhavedonemybesttobesaved。

Menhavebeenknowntofloatforhours——intheopensea——andbepickedupnotmuchtheworseforit。Imighthavelasteditoutbetterthanmanyothers。There’snothingthematterwithmyheart。“Hewithdrewhisrightfirstfromhispocket，andtheblowhestuckonhischestresoundedlikeamuffleddetonationinthemight。

“`No，“Isaid。Hemeditated，withhislegsslightlyapartandhischinsunk。“Ahair’sbreadth，“hemuttered。“Notthebreadthofahairbetweenthisandthat。Andatthetime……“

“`Itisdifficulttoseeahairatmidnight，“Iputin，alittleviciouslyIfear。Don’tyouseewhatImeanbythesolidarityofthecraft？Iwasaggrievedagainsthim，asthoughhehadcheatedme——me!——ofasplendidopportunitytokeepuptheillusionofmybeginnings，asthoughhehadrobbedourcommonlifeofthelastsparkofitsglamour。“Andsoyouclearedout——atonce。“

“`Jumped，“hecorrectedmeincisively。“Jumped——mind!“herepeated，andIwonderedattheevidentbutobscureintention。“Well，yes!PerhapsIcouldnotseethen。ButIhadplentyoftimeandanyamountoflightinthatboat。AndIcouldthink，too。Nobodywouldknow，ofcourse，butthisdidnotmakeitanyeasierforme。You’vegottobelievethat，too。

Ididnotwantallthistalk……No……Yes……Iwon’tlie……Iwantedit：itistheverythingIwanted——there。DoyouthinkyouoranybodycouldhavemademeifI……Iam——Iamnotafraidtotell。AndIwasn’tafraidtothinkeither。Ilookeditintheface。Iwasn’tgoingtorunaway。Atfirst——atnight，ifithadn’tbeenforthesefellowsI

mighthave……No!byheavens!Iwasnotgoingtogivethemthatsatisfaction。

Theyhaddoneenough。Theymadeupastory，andbelieveditforallIknow。

ButIknewthetruth，andIwouldliveitdown——alone，withmyself。Iwasn’tgoingtogiveintosuchabeastlyunfairthing。Whatdiditproveafterall？Iwasconfoundedlycutup。Sickoflife——totellyouthetruth；butwhatwouldhavebeenthegoodtoshirkit——in——in——thatway？Thatwasnottheway。Ibelieve——Ibelieveitwouldhave——itwouldhaveended——nothing。“

`Hehadbeenwalkingupanddown，butwiththelastwordheturnedshortatme。

“`Whatdoyoubelieve？“heaskedwithviolence。Apauseensued，andsuddenlyIfeltmyselfovercomebyaprofoundandhopelessfatigue，asthoughhisvoicehadstartledmeoutofadreamofwanderingthroughemptyspaceswhoseimmensityhadharassedmysoulandexhaustedmybody。

“`……Wouldhaveendednothing，“hemutteredovermeobstinately，afteralittlewhile。“No!theproperthingwastofaceitout——aloneformyself——waitforanotherchance——findout……“’

LordJim：Chapter12CHAPTERXII`ALLaroundeverythingwasstillasfarastheearcouldreach。Themistofhisfeelingsshiftedbetweenus，asifdisturbedbyhisstruggles，andintheriftsoftheimmaterialveilhewouldappeartomystaringeyesdistinctofformandpregnantwithappeallikeasymbolicfigureinapicture。Thechillairofthenightseemedtolieonmylimbsasheavyasaslabofmarble。

“`Isee，“Imurmured，moretoprovetomyselfthatIcouldbreakmystateofnumbnessthanforanyotherreason。

“`TheAvondalepickedusupjustbeforesunset，“heremarked，moodily。“Steamedrightstraightforus。Wehadonlytositandwait。“

`Afteralonginterval，hesaid，“Theytoldtheirstory。“Andagaintherewasthatoppressivesilence。“ThenonlyIknewwhatitwasImadeupmymindto，“headded。

“`Yousaidnothing，“Iwhispered。

“`WhatcouldIsay？“heasked，inthesamelowtone……“Shockslight。

Stoppedtheship。Ascertainedthedamage。Tookmeasurestogettheboatsoutwithoutcreatingapanic。Asthefirstboatwasloweredshipwentdowninasquall。Sanklikelead……Whatcouldbemoreclear“……hehunghishead……“andmoreawful？“Hislipsquiveredwhilehelookedstraightintomyeyes。“Ihadjumped——hadn’tI？“heaskeddismayed。“That’swhatIhadtolivedown。Thestorydidn’tmatter。“……Heclaspedhishandsforaninstant，glancedrightandleftintothegloom：“Itwaslikecheatingthedead，“hestammered。

“`Andtherewerenodead，“Isaid。

`Hewentawayfrommeatthis。ThatistheonlywayIcandescribeit。

InamomentIsawhisbackclosetothebalustrade。Hestoodthereforsometime，asifadmiringthepurityandthepeaceofthenight。Somefloweringshrubinthegardenbelowspreaditspowerfulscentthroughthedampair。

Hereturnedtomewithhastysteps。

“`Andthatdidnotmatter，“hesaid，asstubbornlyasyouplease。

“`Perhapsnot，“Iadmitted。Ibegantohaveanotionhewastoomuchforme。Afterall，whatdidIknow？

“`Deadornotdead，Icouldnotgetclear，“hesaid。“Ihadtolive；

hadn’tI？“

“`Well，yes——ifyoutakeitinthatway，“Imumbled。

“`Iwasglad，ofcourse，“hethrewoutcarelesslywithhismindfixedonsomethingelse。“Theexposure，“hepronounced，slowly，andliftedhishead。“DoyouknowwhatwasmyfirstthoughtwhenIheard？Iwasrelieved。

Iwasrelievedtolearnthatthoseshouts——didItellyouIheardshouts？

No？Well，Idid。Shoutsforhelp……blownalongwiththedrizzle。ImaginationIsuppose。AndyetIcanhardly……Howstupid……Theothersdidnot。Iaskedthemafterwards。TheyallsaidNo。No？AndIwashearingthemeventhen!Imighthaveknown——butIdidn’tthink——Ionlylistened。Veryfaintscreams——dayafterday。Thenthatlittlehalf-castechapherecameupandspoketome。`ThePatna……Frenchgunboat……towedsuccessfullytoAden……Investigation……MarineOffice……Sailors’

Home……arrangementsmadeforyourboardandlodging。’Iwalkedalongwithhim，andIenjoyedthesilence。Sotherehadbeennoshouting。Imagination。

Ihadtobelievehim。Icouldhearnothinganymore。IwonderhowlongIcouldhavestoodit。Itwasgettingworse，too……Imean——louder。“

`Hefellintothought。

“`AndIhadheardnothing!Well——sobeit。Butthelights!Thelightsdidgo!Wedidnotseethem。Theywerenotthere。Iftheyhadbeen，Iwouldhaveswamback——Iwouldhavegonebackandshoutedalongside——Iwouldhavebeggedthemtotakemeonboard……Iwouldhavehadmychance……Youdoubtme？……HowdoyouknowhowIfelt？……Whatrighthaveyoutodoubt？……Iverynearlydiditasitwas——doyouunderstand？“

Hisvoicefell。“Therewasnotaglimmer——notaglimmer，“heprotested，mournfully。“Don’tyouunderstandthatiftherehadbeen，youwouldnothaveseenmehere？Youseeme——andyoudoubt。“

`Ishookmyheadnegatively。Thisquestionofthelightsbeinglostsightofwhentheboatcouldnothavebeenmorethanaquarterofamilefromtheshipwasamatterformuchdiscussion。Jimstucktoitthattherewasnothingtobeseenafterthefirstshowerhadclearedaway；andtheothershadaffirmedthesamethingtotheofficersoftheAvondale。

Ofcoursepeopleshooktheirheadsandsmiled。Oneoldskipperwhosatnearmeincourttickledmyearwithhiswhitebeardtomurmur，“Ofcoursetheywouldlie。“Asamatteroffactnobodylied；noteventhechiefengineerwithhisstoryofthemastheadlightdroppinglikeamatchyouthrowdown。

Notconsciously，atleast。Amanwithhisliverinsuchastatemightverywellhaveseenafloatingsparkinthecornerofhiseyewhenstealingahurriedglanceoverhisshoulder。Theyhadseennolightofanysortthoughtheywerewellwithinrange，andtheycouldonlyexplainthisinoneway：theshiphadgonedown。Itwasobviousandcomforting。Theforeseenfactcomingsoswiftlyhadjustifiedtheirhaste。Nowondertheydidnotcastaboutforanyotherexplanation。Yetthetrueonewasverysimple，andassoonasBrierlysuggesteditthecourtceasedtobotheraboutthequestion。Ifyouremember，theshiphadbeenstoppedandwaslyingwithherheadonthecoursesteeredthroughthenight，withhersterncantedhighandherbowsbroughtlowdowninthewaterthroughthefillingofthefore-compartment。Beingthusoutoftrim，whenthesquallstruckheralittleonthequarter，sheswungheadtowindassharplyasthoughshehadbeenatanchor。Bythischangeinherpositionallherlightswereinaveryfewmomentsshutofffromtheboattoleeward。Itmayverywellbethat，hadtheybeenseen，theywouldhavehadtheeffectofamuteappeal——thattheirglimmerlostinthedarknessofthecloudwouldhavehadthemysteriouspowerofthehumanglancethatcanawakenthefeelingsofremorseandpity。