第39章

Thetheaterteacheslargeaudiencesseventimesaweek——28or30hoursaltogether——andthenovelsandnewspapersplead，andargue，andillustrate，stir，move，thrill，thunder，urge，persuade，andsupplicate，atthefeetofmillionsandmillionsofpeopleeverysingleday，andalldaylongandfarintothenight；andsothesevastagenciestillnine—

tenthsofthevineyard，andthepulpittillstheothertenth。Yetnowandthensomecomplacentblindidiotsays，"Youunanointedarecoarseclayanduseless；youarenotaswe，theregeneratorsoftheworld；go，buryyourselveselsewhere，forwecannottaketheresponsibilityofrecommendingidlersandsinnerstotheyearningmercyofHeaven。"Howdoesasoullikethatstayinacarcasswithoutgettingmixedwiththesecretionsandsweatedoutthroughthepores？ThinkofthisinsectcondemningthewholetheatricalserviceasadisseminatorofbadmoralsbecauseithasBlackCrooksinit；forgettingthatifthatweresufficientgroundpeoplewouldcondemnthepulpitbecauseithadCrooksandKallochsandSabinesinit！

No，IamnottryingtorobthepulpitofanyatomofitsfullshareandcreditintheworkofdisseminatingthemeatandmarrowofthegospelofChrist；butIamtryingtogetamoment’shearingforworthyagenciesinthesamework，thatwithoverwroughtmodestyseldomorneverclaimarecognitionoftheirgreatservices。Iamawarethatthepulpitdoesitsexcellentone—tenth(andcreditsitselfwithitnowandthen，thoughmostofthetimeapressofbusinesscausesittoforgetit)；Iamawarethatinitshonestandwell—meaningwayitboresthepeoplewithuninflammabletruismsaboutdoinggood；boresthemwithcorrectcompositionsoncharity；boresthem，chloroformsthem，stupefiesthemwithargumentativemercywithoutaflawinthegrammaroranemotionwhichtheministercouldputinintherightplaceifheturnedhisbackandtookhisfingeroffthemanuscript。Andindoingthesethingsthepulpitisdoingitsduty，andletusbelievethatitislikewisedoingitsbest，anddoingitinthemostharmlessandrespectableway。AndsoIhavesaid，andshallkeeponsaying，letusgivethepulpititsfullshareofcreditinelevatingandennoblingthepeople；butwhenapulpittakestoitselfauthoritytopassjudgmentupontheworkandworthofjustaslegitimateaninstrumentofGodasitself，whospentalonglifepreachingfromthestagetheselfsamegospelwithoutthealterationofasinglesentimentorasingleaxiomofright，itisfairandjustthatsomebodywhobelievesthatactorsweremadeforahighandgoodpurpose，andthattheyaccomplishtheobjectoftheircreationandaccomplishitwell，shouldprotest。Andhavingprotested，itisalsofairandjust——beingdriventoit，asitwere——towhispertotheSabinepatternofclergyman，underthebreath，asimple，instructivetruth，andsay，"MinistersarenottheonlyservantsofGoduponearth，norhismostefficientones，either，byavery，verylongdistance！"Sensibleministersalreadyknowthis，anditmaydotheotherkindgoodtofinditout。

Buttoceaseteachingandgobacktothebeginningagain，wasitnotpitiable——thatspectacle？HonoredandhonorableoldGeorgeHolland，whosetheatricalministryhadforfiftyyearssoftenedhardhearts，bredgenerosityincoldones，kindledemotionindeadones，upliftedbaseones，broadenedbigotedones，andmademanyandmanyastrickenonegladandfilleditbrimfulofgratitude，figurativelyspituponinhisunoffendingcoffinbythiscrawling，slimy，sanctimonious，self—righteousreptile！

APPENDIXK

ASUBSTITUTEFORRULOFFHAVEWEASIDNEYCARTONAMONGUS？

(SeeChapterlxxxii)

ToEDITORof’Tribune’。

SIR，——Ibelieveincapitalpunishment。Ibelievethatwhenamurderhasbeendoneitshouldbeansweredforwithblood。Ihaveallmylifebeentaughttofeelthisway，andthefettersofeducationarestrong。Thefactthatthedeath——lawisrenderedalmostinoperativebyitsveryseveritydoesnotaltermybeliefinitsrighteousness。ThefactthatinEnglandtheproportionofexecutionstocondemnationsisonetosixteen，andinthiscountryonlyonetotwenty—two，andinFranceonlyonetothirty—eight，doesnotshakemysteadfastconfidenceintheproprietyofretainingthedeath—penalty。Itisbettertohangonemurdererinsixteen，twenty—two，thirty—eightthannottohanganyatall。

FeelingasIdo，IamnotsorrythatRuloffistobehanged，butIamsincerelysorrythathehimselfhasmadeitnecessarythathisvastcapabilitiesforusefulnessshouldbelosttotheworld。Inthis，mineandthepublic’sisacommonregret。ForitisplainthatinthepersonofRuloffoneofthemostmarvelousofintellectsthatanyagehasproducedisabouttobesacrificed，andthat，too，whilehalfthemysteryofitsstrangepowersisyetasecret。Hereisamanwhohasneverenteredthedoorsofacollegeorauniversity，andyetbythesheermightofhisinnategiftshasmadehimselfsuchacolossusinabstruselearningthattheablestofourscholarsarebutpigmiesinhispresence。

BytheevidenceofProfessorMather，Mr。Surbridge，Mr。Richmond，andothermenqualifiedtotestify，thismanisasfamiliarwiththebroaddomainofphilologyascommonmenarewiththepassingeventsoftheday。

Hismemoryhassuchalimitlessgraspthatheisabletoquotesentenceaftersentence，paragraphafterparagraph，chapterafterchapter，fromagnarledandknottyancientliteraturethatordinaryscholarsarecapableofachievinglittlemorethanabowingacquaintancewith。Buthismemoryistheleastofhisgreatendowments。Bythetestimonyofthegentlemenabovereferredtoheisabletocriticallyanalyzetheworksoftheoldmastersofliterature，andwhilepointingoutthebeautiesoftheoriginalswithapureanddiscriminatingtasteisasquicktodetectthedefectsoftheacceptedtranslations；andinthelattercase，ifexceptionsbetakentohisjudgment，hestraightwayopensupthequarriesofhisexhaustlessknowledge，andbuildsaveryChinesewallofevidencearoundhisposition。EverylearnedmanwhoentersRuloff’spresenceleavesitamazedandconfoundedbyhisprodigiouscapabilitiesandattainments。Onescholarsaidhedidnotbelievethatinmattersofsubtleanalysis，vastknowledgeinhispeculiarfieldofresearch，comprehensivegraspofsubject，andserenekingshipoveritslimitlessandbewilderingdetails，anylandoranyeraofmoderntimeshadgivenbirthtoRuloff’sintellectualequal。Whatmiraclesthismurderermighthavewrought，andwhatlusterhemighthavesheduponhiscountry，ifhehadnotputaforfeituponhislifesofoolishly！Butwhatifthelawcouldbesatisfied，andthegiftedcriminalstillbesaved。IfalifebeoffereduponthegallowstoatoneforthemurderRuloffdid，willthatsuffice？Ifso，givemetheproofs，forinallearnestnessandtruthI

averthatinsuchacaseIwillinstantlybringforwardamanwho，intheinterestsoflearningandscience，willtakeRuloff’scrimeuponhimself，andsubmittobehangedinRuloff’splace。Ican，andwilldothisthing；andIproposethismatter，andmakethisofferingoodfaith。Youknowme，andknowmyaddress。

SAMUELLANGHORNE。

April29，1871。

APPENDIXL

ABOUTLONDON

ADDRESSATADINNERGIVENBYTHESAVAGECLUB，LONDON，SEPTEMBER28，1872

(SeeChapterlxxxvii)

ReportedbyMoncureD。ConwayintheCincinnatiCommercialItaffordsmesincerepleasuretomeetthisdistinguishedclub，aclubwhichhasextendeditshospitalitiesanditscordialwelcometosomanyofmycountrymen。Ihope[andherethespeaker’svoicebecamelowandfluttering]youwillexcusetheseclothes。Iamgoingtothetheater；

thatwillexplaintheseclothes。Ihaveotherclothesthanthese。

JudginghumannaturebywhatIhaveseenofit，Isupposethatthecustomarythingforastrangertodowhenhestandshereistomakeapunonthenameofthisclub，undertheimpression，ofcourse，thatheisthefirstmanthatthatideahasoccurredto。Itisacredittoourhumannature，notablemishuponit；foritshowsthatunderlyingallourdepravity(andGodknowsandyouknowwearedepravedenough)andalloursophistication，anduntarnishedbythem，thereisasweetgermofinnocenceandsimplicitystill。Whenastrangersaystome，withaglowofinspirationinhiseye，somegentle，innocuouslittlethingabout"Twainandoneflesh"andallthatsortofthing，Idon’ttrytocrushthatmanintotheearth——no。Ifeellikesaying，"Letmetakeyoubythehand，sir；letmeembraceyou；Ihavenotheardthatpunforweeks。"Wewilldealinpalpablepuns。WewillcallpartiesnamedKing"yourMajesty"andwewillsaytotheSmithsthatwethinkwehaveheardthatnamebeforesomewhere。Suchishumannature。Wecannotalterthis。ItisGodthatmadeussoforsomegoodandwisepurpose。Letusnotrepine。ButthoughImayseemstrange，mayseemeccentric，Imeantorefrainfrompunninguponthenameofthisclub，thoughIcouldmakeaverygoodoneifIhadtimetothinkaboutit——aweek。

IcannotexpresstoyouwhatentireenjoymentIfindinthisfirstvisittothisprodigiousmetropolisofyours。Itswondersseemtometobelimitless。Igoaboutasinadream——asinarealmofenchantment——wheremanythingsarerareandbeautiful，andallthingsarestrangeandmarvelous。HourafterhourIstand——Istandspellbound，asitwere—andgazeuponthestatuaryinLeicesterSquare。[LeicesterSquarebeingahorriblechaos，withtherelicofanequestrianstatueinthecenter，thekingbeingheadlessandlimbless，andthehorseinlittlebettercondition。]IvisitthemortuaryeffigiesofnobleoldHenryVIII。，andJudgeJeffreys，andthepreservedgorilla，andtrytomakeupmymindwhichofmyancestorsIadmirethemost。IgotothatmatchlessHydeParkanddriveallaroundit，andthenIstarttoenteritattheMarbleArch——andaminducedto"changemymind。"[CabsarenotpermittedinHydePark——nothinglessaristocraticthanaprivatecarriage。]Itisagreatbenefaction——isHydePark。There，inhishansomcab，theinvalidcango——thepoor，sadchildofmisfortune——andinserthisnosebetweentherailings，andbreathethepure，health—givingairofthecountryandofheaven。Andifheisaswellinvalidwhoisn’tobligedtodependuponparksforhiscountryairhecandriveinside——ifheownshisvehicle。

IdriveroundandroundHydeParkandthemoreIseeoftheedgesofitthemoregratefulIamthatthemarginisextensive。

AndIhavebeentotheZoologicalGardens。Whatawonderfulplacethatis！Ihaveneverseensuchacuriousandinterestingvarietyofwild—

animalsinanygardenbefore——exceptMabille。Ineverbelievedbeforethereweresomanydifferentkindsofanimalsintheworldasyoucanfindthere——andIdon’tbelieveityet。IhavebeentotheBritishMuseum。Iwouldadviseyoutodropintheresometimewhenyouhavenothingtodofor——fiveminutes——ifyouhaveneverbeenthere。Itseemstomethenoblestmonumentthisnationhas，yeterectedtohergreatness。

Isaytoher，ourgreatness——asanation。True，shehasbuiltothermonuments，andstatelyones，aswell；buttheseshehasupliftedinhonoroftwoorthreecolossaldemigodswhohavestalkedacrosstheworld’sstage，destroyingtyrantsanddeliveringnations，andwhoseprodigieswillstillliveinthememoriesofmenagesaftertheirmonumentsshallhavecrumbledtodust——IrefertotheWellingtonandNelsonmonuments，and——theAlbertmemorial。[Sarcasm。TheAlbertmemorialisthefinestmonumentintheworld，andcelebratestheexistenceofascommonplaceapersonasgoodluckeverliftedoutofobscurity。]

TheLibraryattheBritishMuseumIfindparticularlyastounding。Ihavereadtherehourstogether，andhardlymadeanimpressiononit。Ireverethatlibrary。Itistheauthor’sfriend。Idon’tcarehowmeanabookis，italwaystakesonecopy。[AcopyofeverybookprintedinGreatBritainmustbylawbesenttotheBritishMuseum，alawmuchcomplainedofbypublishers。]Andtheneverydaythatauthorgoestheretogazeatthatbook，andisencouragedtogooninthegoodwork。AndwhatatouchingsightitisofaSaturdayafternoontoseethepoor，carewornclergymengatheredtogetherinthatvastreading—roomcabbagingsermonsforSunday！Youwillpardonmyreferringtothesethings。Everythinginthismonstercityinterestsme，andIcannotkeepfromtalking，evenattheriskofbeinginstructive。Peoplehereseemalwaystoexpressdistancesbyparables。Toastrangeritisjustalittleconfusingtobesoparabolic——sotospeak。Icollaracitizen，andIthinkIamgoingtogetsomevaluableinformationoutofhim。IaskhimhowfaritistoBirmingham，andhesaysitistwenty—oneshillingsandsixpence。Nowweknowthatdoesn’thelpamanwhoistryingtolearn。Ifindmyselfdown—

townsomewhere，andIwanttogetsomesortofideawhereIam——beingusuallylostwhenalone——andIstopacitizenandsay，"HowfarisittoCharingCross？""Shillingfareinacab，"andoffhegoes。IsupposeifIweretoaskaLondonerhowfaritisfromthesublimetotheridiculoushewouldtrytoexpressitinacoin。ButIamtrespassinguponyourtimewiththesegeologicalstatisticsandhistoricalreflections。Iwillnotlongerkeepyoufromyourorgies。’Tisarealpleasureformetobehere，andIthankyouforit。ThenameoftheSavageClubisassociatedinmymindwiththekindlyinterestandthefriendlyofficeswhichyoulavisheduponanoldfriendofminewhocameamongyouastranger，andyouopenedyourEnglishheartstohimandgavehimawelcomeandahome——

ArtemusWard。Askingthatyouwilljoinme，IgiveyouhisMemory。

APPENDIXM

LETTERWRITTENTOMRS。CLEMENSFROMBOSTON，NOVEMBER，1874，PROPHESYINGA

MONARCHYINSIXTY—ONEYEARS

(SeeChapterxcvii)

BOSTON，November16，1935。

DEARLIVY，——YouobserveIstillcallthisbelovedoldplacebythenameithadwhenIwasyoung。Limerick！Itisenoughtomakeabodysick。

Thegentlemen—in—waitingstaretoseemesitheretelegraphingthislettertoyou，andnodoubttheyaresmilingintheirsleeves。Butletthem！Theslowoldfashionsaregoodenoughforme，thankGod，andI

willnoneother。WhenIseeoneofthesemodernfoolssitabsorbed，holdingtheendofatelegraphwireinhishand，andreflectthatathousandmilesawaythereisanotherfoolhitchedtotheotherendofit，itmakesmefranticwithrage；andthenIammoreimplacablyfixedandresolvedthanevertocontinuetakingtwentyminutestotelegraphyouwhatImightcommunicateintensecondsbythenewwayifIwouldsodebasemyself。AndwhenIseeawholesilent，solemndrawing—roomfullofidiotssittingwiththeirhandsoneachother’sforeheads"communing"

Itugthewhitehairsfrommyheadandcursetillmyasthmabringsmetheblessedreliefofsuffocation。Inourolddaysuchagatheringtalkedpuredriveland"rot，"mostly，butbetterthat，athousandtimes，thanthesedrearyconversationalfuneralsthatoppressourspiritsinthismadgeneration。

ItissixtyyearssinceIwasherebefore。Iwalkedhitherthenwithmypreciousoldfriend。Itseemsincrediblenowthatwediditintwodays，butsuchismyrecollection。Inolongermentionthatwewalkedbackinasingleday，itmakesmesofurioustoseedoubtinthefaceofthehearer。Menweremeninthoseoldtimes。Thinkofoneofthepuerileorganismsinthiseffeminateageattemptingsuchafeat。

Myair—shipwasdelayedbyacollisionwithafellowfromChinaloadedwiththeusualcargoofjabbering，copper—coloredmissionaries，andsoI

wasnearlyanhouronmyjourney。ButbythegoodnessofGodthirteenofthemissionarieswerecrippledandseveralkilled，soIwascontenttolosethetime。Ilovetolosetimeanywaybecauseitbringssoothingreminiscencesofthecreepingrailroaddaysofold，nowlosttousforever。

Ourgamewasneatlyplayed，andsuccessfully。Noneexpectedus，ofcourse。YoushouldhaveseentheguardsattheducalpalacestarewhenI

said，"AnnouncehisGracetheArchbishopofDublinandtheRightHonorabletheEarlofHartford。"Arrivedwithin，wewerealleyestoseetheDukeofCambridgeandhisDuchess，wonderingifwemightremembertheirfacesandtheyours。Inamomenttheycametotteringin；he，bentandwitheredandbald；she，bloomingwithwholesomeoldage。Hepeeredthroughhisglassesamoment，thenscreechedinareedyvoice，"Cometomyarms！Awaywithtitles——I’llknowyebynonamesbutTwainandTwichell！"Thenfellheonournecksandjammedhistrumpetinhisear，thewhichwefilledwithshoutingstothiseffect："Godblessyou，oldHowells，whatisleftofyou！"

Wetalkedlatethatnight——noneofyoursilentidiot"communings"forus——oftheoldentime。WerolledastreamofancientanecdotesoverourtonguesanddranktilltheLordArchbishopgrewsomellowinthemellowpastthatDublinceasedtobeDublintohim，andresumeditssweeter，forgottennameofNewYork。Intruthhealmostgotbackintohisancientreligion，too，goodJesuitashehasalwaysbeensinceO’MulligantheFirstestablishedthatfaithintheempire。

Andwecanvassedeverybody。BaileyAldrich，MarquisofPonkapog，camein，gotnoblydrunk，andtoldusallabouthowpoorOsgoodlosthisearldomandwashangedforconspiringagainstthesecondEmperor；buthedidn’tmentionhownearhehimselfcametobeinghanged，too，forengaginginthesameenterprise。Hewasaschaffyashewassixtyyearsago，too，andsworetheArchbishopandIneverwalkedtoBoston；buttherewasneveradaythatPonkapogwouldn’tlie，sobeitbythegraceofGodhegottheopportunity。

TheLordHighAdmiralcamein，ahalegentlemancloseuponseventyandbronzedbythesunsandstormsofmanyclimesandscarredbythewoundsgotinmanybattles，andItoldhimhowIhadseenhimsitinahigh—

chairandeatfruitandcakesandanswertothenameofJohnny。Hisgranddaughter(theeldest)isbutlatelymarriedtotheyoungestoftheGrandDukes，andsowhoknowsbutadaymaycomewhenthebloodoftheHowellsesmayreignintheland？Imustnotforgettosay，whileIthinkofit，thatyournewfalseteetharedone，mydear，andyourwig。Keepyourheadwellbundledwithashawltillthelattercomes，andsocheatyourpersecutingneuralgiasandrheumatisms。Wouldyoubelieveit？——theDuchessofCambridgeisdeaferthanyou——deaferthanherhusband。Theycallhertobreakfastwithasalvoofartillery；andusuallywhenitthundersshelooksupexpectantlyandsays，"Comein。"Butshehasbecomesubduedandgentlewithageandneverdestroysthefurniturenow，exceptwhenuncommonlyvexed。Godknows，mydear，itwouldbeahappythingifyouandoldLadyHarmonywouldimitatethisspirit。Butindeedtheolderyougrowthelesssecurebecomesthefurniture。WhenIthrowchairsthroughthewindowIhavesufficientreasontobackit。Butyou——

youarebutacreatureofpassion。

Themonumenttotheauthorof’GloversonandHisSilentPartners’isfinished。——[RalphKeeler。Seechap。lxxxiii。]——Itisthestateliestandthecostliestevererectedtothememoryofanyman。Thisnobleclassichasnowbeentranslatedintoallthelanguagesoftheearthandisadoredbyallnationsandknowntoallcreatures。YetIhaveconversedasfamiliarlywiththeauthorofitasIdowithmyowngreat—

grandchildren。

IwishyoucouldseeoldCambridgeandPonkapog。Ilovethemasdearlyasever，butprivately，mydear，theyarenotmuchimprovementonidiots。

Itismelancholytohearthemjabberoverthesamepointlessanecdotesthreeandfourtimesofanevening，forgettingthattheyhadjabberedthemoverthreeorfourtimestheeveningbefore。Ponkapogstillwritespoetry，buttheold—timefirehasmostlygoneoutofit。Perhapshisbesteffortoflateyearsisthis：

Osoul，soul，soulofmine！

Soul，soul，soulofthroe！

Thysoul，mysoul，twosoulsentwine，Andsingthylaudsincrystalwine！

Thishegoesaboutrepeatingtoeverybody，dailyandnightly，insomuchthatheisbecomeasoreafflictiontoallthatknowhim。

ButImustdesist。Therearedraughtshereeverywhereandmygoutissomethingfrightful。Myleftfoothathresemblancetoasnuff—bladder。

Godbewithyou。

HARTFORD。

ThesetoLadyHartford，intheearldomofHartford，intheupperportionofthecityofDublin。

APPENDIXN

MARKTWAINANDCOPYRIGHT

I

PETITION

ConcerningCopyright(1875)

(SeeChaptercii)

TOTHESENATEANDHOUSEOFREPRESENTATIVESOFTHEUNITEDSTATESIN

CONGRESSASSEMBLED。

We，yourpetitioners，dorespectfullyrepresentasfollows，viz。：Thatjustice，plainandsimple，isathingwhichright—feelingmenstandreadyatalltimestoaccordtobrothersandstrangersalike。Allsuchmenwillconcedethatitisbutplain，simplejusticethatAmericanauthorsshouldbeprotectedbycopyrightinEurope；also，thatEuropeanauthorsshouldbeprotectedbycopyrighthere。

Bothdivisionsofthispropositionbeingtrue，itbehoovesourgovernmenttoconcernitselfwiththatdivisionofitwhichcomespeculiarlywithinitsprovince——viz。，thelattermoiety——andtogranttoforeignauthorswithallconvenientdespatchafullandeffectivecopyrightinAmericawithoutmarringthegraceoftheactbystoppingtoinquirewhetherasimilarjusticewillbedoneourownauthorsbyforeigngovernments。Ifitwereevenknownthatthosegovernmentswouldnotextendthisjusticetousitwouldstillnotjustifyusinwithholdingthismanifestrightfromtheirauthors。Ifathingisrightitoughttobedone——thethingcalled"expediency"or"policy"hasnoconcernwithsuchamatter。Andwedesiretorepeat，withallrespect，thatitisnotagraceoraprivilegeweaskforourforeignbrethren，butaright——arightreceivedfromGod，andonlydeniedthembyman。Weholdnoownershipintheseauthors，andwhenwetaketheirworkfromthem，asatpresent，withouttheirconsent，itisrobbery。Thefactthatthehandiworkofourownauthorsisseizedinthesamewayinforeignlandsneitherexcusesnormitigatesoursin。

Withyourpermissionwewillsayhere，overoursignatures，andearnestlyandsincerely，thatweverygreatlydesirethatyoushallgrantafullcopyrighttoforeignauthors(thecopyrightfeefortheentryintheofficeoftheCongressionalLibrariantobethesameaswepayourselves)，andwealsoasgreatlydesirethatthisgrantshallbemadewithoutasinglehamperingstipulationthatAmericanauthorsshallreceiveinturnanadvantageofanykindfromforeigngovernments。

Sincenoauthorwhowasappliedtohesitatedforamo