第28章

Whateverelsemaybesaidofthiskindofdoctrine，itisatleastoriginalandhasaconclusivesound。MarkTwainhadverylittleusefororthodoxyandconservatism。WhenitwasannouncedthatDr。JacquesLoeb，oftheUniversityofCalifornia，haddemonstratedthecreationoflifebychemicalagencieshewasdeeplyinterested。Whenanewspaperwritercommentedthata"consensusofopinionamongbiologists"wouldprobablyrateDr。Loebasamanoflivelyimaginationratherthananinerrantinvestigatorofnaturalphenomena，hefeltcalledtochafftheconsensusidea。

IwishIcouldbeasyoungasthatagain。AlthoughIseemsooldnowIwasonceasyoungasthat。Iremember，asifitwerebutthirtyorfortyyearsago，howaparalyzingconsensusofopinionaccumulatedfromexpertsa—settingaroundaboutbrotherexpertswhohadpatientlyandlaboriouslycold—chiseledtheirwayintooneoranotherofnature’ssafe—depositvaultsandwerereportingthattheyhadfoundsomethingvaluablewasplentyforme。Itsettledit。

Butitisn’tsonow—no。BecauseinthedriftoftheyearsIbyandbyfoundoutthataConsensusexaminesanewthingwithitsfeelingsratheroftenerthanwithitsmind。

Therewasthatprimitivesteam—engine—agesback，inGreektimes：aConsensusmadefunofit。TherewastheMarquisofWorcester’ssteam—engine250yearsago：aConsensusmadefunofit。TherewasFulton’ssteamboatofacenturyago：aFrenchConsensus，includingthegreatNapoleon，madefunofit。TherewasPriestley，withhisoxygen：aConsensusscoffedathim，mobbedhim，burnedhimout，banishedhim。WhileaConsensuswasproving，bystatisticsandthings，thatasteamshipcouldnotcrosstheAtlantic，asteamshipdidit。

Andsoonthroughadozenpagesormoreoflivelysatire，endingwithanextractfromAdam’sDiary。

ThentherewasaConsensusaboutit。Itwastheveryfirstone。Itsatsixdaysandnights。Itwasthendeliveredoftheverdictthataworldcouldnotbemadeoutofnothing；thatsuchsmallthingsassunandmoonandstarsmight，maybe，butitwouldtakeyearsandyearsiftherewasconsiderablemanyofthem。ThentheConsensusgotupandlookedoutofthewindow，andtherewasthewholeoutfit，spinningandsparklinginspace！Youneversawsuchadisappointedlot。

ADAM。

Hewaswritingmuchatthistime，mainlyforhisownamusement，thoughnowandthenheofferedoneofhisreflectionsforprint。Thatbeautifulfairytale，"TheFiveBoonsofLife，"ofwhichthemostpreciousis"Death，"waswrittenatthisperiod。Maeterlinck’slovelystoryofthebeeinterestedhim；hewroteaboutthat。SomebodyproposedaMartyrs’

Day；hewroteapaperridiculingthesuggestion。Inhisnote—book，too，thereisamemorandumforalove—storyoftheQuarternaryEpochwhichwouldbegin，"OnasoftOctoberafternoon2，000，000yearsago。"JohnFiske’sDiscoveryofAmerica，VolumeI，hesaid，wastofurnishtheanimalsandscenery，civilizationandconversationtobethesameasto—

day；butapparentlythisideawascarriednofurther。Herangedthrougheverysubjectfromprotoplasmtoinfinity，exalting，condemning，ridiculing，explaining；hisbrainwasalwaysbusy——adynamothatrestedneithernightnorday。

InAprilClemensreceivednoticeofanotheryachtingtripontheKanawha，whichthistimewouldsailfortheBahamaandWestIndiaislands。Theguestsweretobeaboutthesame。——[TheinvitedonesofthepartywereHon。T。B。Reed，A。G。Paine，LaurenceHutton，Dr。C。C。Rice，W。T。

Foote，andS。L。Clemens。"Ownersoftheyacht，"Mr。Rogerscalledthem，signinghimselfas"TheirGuest。"]

Hesentthistelegram：

H。H。ROGERS，Fairhaven，Mass。

Can’tgetawaythisweek。Ihavecompanyherefromtonighttillmiddleofnextweek。WillKanawhabesailingafterthat&canIgoasSunday—

schoolsuperintendentathalfrate？Answerandprepay。

DR。CLEMENS。

Thesailingdatewasconvenientlyarrangedandtherefollowedahappycruiseamongthosebalmyislands。MarkTwainwasparticularlyfondof"Tom"Reed，whohadbeenknownas"Czar"ReedinCongress，butwasdelightfullyhumaninhispersonallife。Theyarguedpoliticsagooddeal，andReed，withallhistrainingandintimatepracticalknowledgeofthesubject，confessedthathe"couldn’targuewithamanlikethat。"

"Doyoubelievethethingsyousay？"heaskedonce，inhisthin，falsettovoice。

"Yes，"saidClemens。"Someofthem。"

"Well，youwanttolookout。Ifyougoonthisway，byandbyyou’llgettobelievingnearlyeverythingyousay。"

Drawpokerappearstohavebeentheirfavoritediversion。ClemensinhisnotesreportsthatoffthecoastofFloridaReedwontwenty—threepotsinsuccession。Itwassaidafterwardthattheymadenostopsatanyharbor；

thatwhenthechiefofficerapproachedthepoker—tableandtoldthemtheywereabouttoentersomeimportantporthereceivedperemptoryordersto"sailonandnotinterruptthegame。"This，however，mayberegardedasmoreorlessfoundedonfiction。

CCXX

MARKTWAINANDTHEPHILIPPINES

Amongthecompletedmanuscriptsoftheearlypartof1902wasaNorthAmericanReviewarticle(publishedinApril)——"DoestheRaceofManLoveaLord？"——amostinterestingtreatiseonsnobberyasauniversalweakness。TherewerealsosomepapersonthePhilippinesituation。InoneoftheseClemenswrote：

Wehaveboughtsomeislandsfromapartywhodidnotownthem；withrealsmartnessandagoodcounterfeitofdisinterestedfriendlinesswecoaxedaconfidingweaknationintoatrapandclosedituponthem；wewentbackonanhonoredguestoftheStarsandStripeswhenwehadnofurtheruseforhimandchasedhimtothemountains；weareasindisputablyinpossessionofawide—spreadingarchipelagoasifitwereourproperty；wehavepacifiedsomethousandsoftheislandersandburiedthem；destroyedtheirfields；burnedtheirvillages，andturnedtheirwidowsandorphansout—of—doors；

furnishedheartbreakbyexiletosomedozensofdisagreeablepatriots；subjugatedtheremainingtenmillionsbyBenevolentAssimilation，whichisthepiousnewnameofthemusket；wehaveacquiredpropertyinthethreehundredconcubinesandotherslavesofourbusinesspartner，theSultanofSulu，andhoistedourprotectingflagoverthatswag。

Andso，bytheseProvidencesofGod——thephraseisthegovernment’s，notmine——weareaWorldPower；andaregladandproud，andhaveabackseatinthefamily。Withtacksinit。Atleastwearelettingontobegladandproud；itisthebestway。Indeed，itistheonlyway。Wemustmaintainourdignity，forpeoplearelooking。WeareaWorldPower；wecannotgetoutofitnow，andwemustmakethebestofit。

Andagainhewrote：

Iamnotfindingfaultwiththisuseofourflag，forinordernottoseemeccentricIhaveswungaroundnowandjoinedthenationintheconvictionthatnothingcansullyaflag。Iwasnotproperlyreared，andhadtheillusionthataflagwasathingwhichmustbesacredlyguardedagainstshamefulusesanduncleancontactslestitsufferpollution；andsowhenitwassentouttothePhilippinestofloatoverawantonwarandarobbingexpeditionIsupposeditwaspolluted，andinanignorantmomentIsaidso。ButIstandcorrected。Iconcedeandacknowledgethatitwasonlythegovernmentthatsentitonsuchanerrandthatwaspolluted。Letuscompromiseonthat。Iamgladtohaveitthatway。Forourflagcouldnotwellstandpollution，neverhavingbeenusedtoit，butitisdifferentwiththeadministration。

ButamuchmoreconspicuouscommentonthePhilippinepolicywastheso—

called"DefenseofGeneralFunston"forwhatFunstonhimselfreferredtoasa"dirtyIrishtrick"；thatistosay，deceptioninthecaptureofAguinaldo。Clemens，whofoundithardenoughtoreconcilehimselfto—

anyformofwarfare，wasespeciallybitterconcerningthisparticularcampaign。ThearticleappearedintheNorthAmericanReviewforMay，1902，andstirredupagooddealofastorm。Hewrotemuchmoreonthesubject——verymuchmore——butitisstillunpublished。

CCXXI

THERETURNOFTHENATIVE

OnedayinApril，1902，SamuelClemensreceivedthefollowingletterfromthepresidentoftheUniversityofMissouri：

MYDEARMR。CLEMENS，AlthoughyoureceivedthedegreeofdoctorofliteraturelastfallfromYale，andhavehadotherhonorsconferreduponyoubyothergreatuniversities，wewanttoadoptyouhereasasonoftheUniversityofMissouri。InaskingyourpermissiontoconferuponyouthedegreeofLL。D。theUniversityofMissouridoesnotaimtoconferanhonoruponyousomuchastoshowherappreciationofyou。TherulesoftheUniversityforbidustoconferthedegreeuponanyoneinabsentia。

IhopeverymuchthatyoucansoarrangeyourplansastobewithusonthefourthdayofnextJune，whenweshallholdourAnnualCommencement。

Verytrulyyours，R。H。JESSE。

ClemenshadnotexpectedtomakeanothertriptotheWest，butaprofferedhonorsuchasthisfromone’snativeStatewasnotathingtobedeclined。

ItwasattheendofMaywhenhearrivedinSt。Louis，andhewasmetatthetraintherebyhisoldriverinstructorandfriend，HoraceBixby——asfresh，wiry，andcapableashehadbeenforty—fiveyearsbefore。

"Ihavebecomeanoldman。Youarestillthirty—five，"Clemenssaid。

TheywenttothePlantersHotel，andthenewspresentlygotaroundthatMarkTwainwasthere。Therefollowedasortofreceptioninthehotellobby，afterwhichBixbytookhimacrosstotheroomsofthePilotsAssociation，wheretherivermengatheredinforcetocelebratehisreturn。Afewofhisoldcomradeswerestillalive，amongthemBeckJolly。ThesameafternoonhetookthetrainforHannibal。

ItwasabusyfivedaysthathehadinHannibal。High—schoolcommencementdaycamefirst。Heattended，andwillingly，oratleastpatiently，satthroughthevariousrecitalsandorationsandorchestrations，dreamingandremembering，nodoubt，otherhigh—schoolcommencementsofmorethanhalfacenturybefore，seeinginsomeofthoseyoungpeopletheboysandgirlshehadknowninthatvanishedtime。A

fewfriendsofhisyouthwerestillthere，buttheywereamongtheaudiencenow，andnolongerfreshandlookingintothefuture。Theirheadswerewhite，and，likehim，theywerelookingdowntherecordedyears。LauraHawkinswasthereandHelenKercheval(Mrs。FrazerandMrs。

Garthnow)，andtherewereothers，buttheywerefewandscattering。

Hewasaddedtotheprogram，andhemadehimselfasoneofthegraduates，andtoldthemsomethingsoftheyoungpeopleofthatearliertimethatbroughttheirlaughterandtheirtears。

Hewasaskedtodistributethediplomas，andheundertooktheworkinhisownway。Hetookanarmfulofthemandsaidtothegraduates：

"Takeone。Pickoutagoodone。Don’ttaketwo，butbesureyougetagoodone。"

Soeachtookone"unsightandunseen"aidmadethemoreexactdistributionsamongthemselveslater。

NextmorningitwasSaturday——hevisitedtheoldhomeonHillStreet，andstoodinthedoorwayalldressedinwhitewhileabattalionofphotographersmadepicturesof"thisreturnofthenative"tothethresholdofhisyouth。

"Itallseemssosmalltome，"hesaid，ashelookedthroughthehouse；

"aboy’shomeisabigplacetohim。IsupposeifIshouldcomebackagaintenyearsfromnowitwouldbethesizeofabirdhouse。"

Hewentthroughtheroomsandup—stairswherehehadsleptandlookedoutthewindowdowninthebackyardwhere，nearlysixtyyearsbefore，TomSawyer，HuckFinn，JoeHarper，andtherest——thatistosay，TomBlankenship，JohnBriggs，WillPitts，andtheBowenboys——setoutontheirnightlyescapades。OfthatlightsomebandWillPittsandJohnBriggsstillremained，withhalfadozenothers——schoolmatesofthelessadventuroussort。BuckBrown，whohadbeenhisrivalinthespellingcontests，wasstillthere，andJohnRobards，whohadworngoldencurlsandthemedalforgoodconduct，andEdPierce。Andwhilethesewereassembledinalittlegrouponthepavementoutsidethehomeasmalloldmancameupandputouthishand，anditwasJimmyMacDaniel，towhomsolongbefore，sittingontheriver—bankandeatinggingerbread，hehadfirsttoldthestoryofJimWolfeandthecats。

Theyputhimintoacarriage，drovehimfarandwide，andshowedthehillsandresortsandrendezvousofTomSawyerandhismaraudingband。

HewasentertainedthateveningbytheLabinnahClub(whosenamewasachievedbyabackwardspellingofHannibal)，wherehefoundmostofthesurvivorsofhisyouth。ThenewsreportofthatoccasionstatesthathewasintroducedbyFatherMcLoughlin，andthathe"respondedinaveryhumorousandtouchinglypatheticway，breakingdownintearsattheconclusion。Commentingonhisboyhooddaysandreferringtohismotherwastoomuchforthegreathumorist。Beforehimashespokeweresittingsevenofhisboyhoodfriends。"

OnSundaymorningCol。JohnRobardsescortedhimtothevariouschurchesandSunday—schools。TheywereallnewchurchestoSamuelClemens，buthepretendednottorecognizethisfact。Ineachonehewasaskedtospeakafewwords，andhebeganbysayinghowgooditwastobebackintheoldhomeSunday—schoolagain，whichasaboyhehadalwayssoloved，andhewouldgoonandpointouttheveryplacehehadsat，andhisescorthardlyknewwhetherornottoenjoytheproceedings。Atoneplacehetoldamoralstory。Hesaid：

Littleboysandgirls，Iwanttotellyouastorywhichillustratesthevalueofperseverance——ofstickingtoyourwork，asitwere。ItisastoryveryproperforaSunday—school。WhenIwasalittleboyinHannibalIusedtoplayagooddealuphereonHolliday’sHill，whichofcourseyouallknow。JohnBriggsandIplayedupthere。Idon’tsupposethereareanylittleboysasgoodaswewerethen，butofcoursethatisnottobeexpected。Littleboysinthosedayswere’mostalwaysgoodlittleboys，becausethosewerethegoodoldtimeswheneverythingwasbetterthanitisnow，butnevermindthat。Well，onceuponatime，onHolliday’sHill，theywereblastingoutrock，andamanwasdrillingforablast。Hesatthereanddrilledanddrilledanddrilledperseveringlyuntilhehadaholedowndeepenoughfortheblast。Thenheputinthepowderandtampedandtampeditdown，butmaybehetampeditalittletoohard，fortheblastwentoffandhewentupintotheair，andwewatchedhim。Hewentuphigherandhigherandgotsmallerandsmaller。Firsthelookedasbigasachild，thenasbigasadog，thenasbigasakitten，thenasbigasabird，andfinallyhewentoutofsight。JohnBriggswaswithme，andwewatchedtheplacewherehewentoutofsight，andbyandbywesawhimcomingdownfirstasbigasabird，thenasbigasakitten，thenasbigasadog，thenasbigasachild，andthenhewasamanagain，andlandedrightinhisseatandwenttodrillingjustpersevering，yousee，andstickingtohiswork。Littleboysandgirls，that’sthesecretofsuccess，justlikethatpoorbuthonestworkmanonHolliday’sHill。Ofcourseyouwon’talwaysbeappreciated。Hewasn’t。

Hisemployerwasahardman，andonSaturdaynightwhenhepaidhimhedockedhimfifteenminutesforthetimehewasupintheair——butnevermind，hehadhisreward。

Hetoldallthisinhissolemn，graveway，thoughtheSunday—schoolwasinastormofenjoymentwhenhefinished。TherestillremainsadoubtinHannibalastoitsperfectsuitability，butthereisnodoubtastoitsacceptability。

ThatSundayafternoon，withJohnBriggs，hewalkedoverHolliday’sHill——

theCardiffHillofTomSawyer。ItwasjestsuchaSundayasthatonewhentheyhadsonearlydemolishedthenegrodriverandhaddamagedacooper—shop。TheycalculatedthatnearlythreethousandSundayshadpassedsincethen，andnowheretheywereoncemore，twooldmenwiththehillsstillfreshandgreen，theriverstillsweepingbyandripplinginthesun。Standingtheretogetherandlookingacrosstothelow—lyingIllinoisshore，andtothegreenislandswheretheyhadplayed，andtoLover’sLeaponthesouth，themanwhohadbeenSamClemenssaid：

"John，thatisoneoftheloveliestsightsIeversaw。Downtherebytheislandistheplaceweusedtoswim，andyonderiswhereamanwasdrowned，andthere’swherethesteamboatsank。DownthereonLover’sLeapiswheretheMilleritesputontheirrobesonenighttogotoheaven。Noneofthemwentthatnight，butIsupposemostofthemhavegonenow。"

JohnBriggssaid：

"Sam，doyourememberthedaywestolethepeachesfromoldmanPriceandoneofhisbow—leggedniggerscameafteruswiththedogs，andhowwemadeupourmindsthatwe’dcatchthatniggeranddrownhim？"

Theycametotheplacewheretheyhadpriedoutthegreatrockthathadsonearlybroughtthemtogrief。SamClemenssaid：

"John，ifwehadkilledthatmanwe’dhavehadadeadniggeronourhandswithoutacenttopayforhim。"

Andsotheytalkedonofthisthingandthat，andbyandbytheydrovealongtheriver，andSamClemenspointedouttheplacewhereheswamitandwastakenwithacramponthereturnswim，andbelievedforawhilethathiscareerwasabouttoclose。

"Once，neartheshore，IthoughtIwouldletdown，"hesaid，"butwasafraidto，knowingthatifthewaterwasdeepIwasagoner，butfinallymykneesstruckthesandandIcrawledout。ThatwastheclosestcallI

everhad。"

Theydrovebytheplacewherethehauntedhousehadstood。Theydrankfromawelltheyhadalwaysknown，andfromthebucketastheyhadalwaysdrunk，talkingandalwaystalking，fondlinglovinglyandlingeringlythatmostbeautifulofallourpossessions，thepast。

"Sam，"saidJohn，whentheyparted，"thisisprobablythelasttimeweshallmeetonthisearth。Godblessyou。Perhapssomewhereweshallrenewourfriendship。"

"John，"wastheanswer，"thisdayhasbeenworththousandsofdollarstome。Wewerelikebrothersonce，andIfeelthatwearethesamenow。

Good—by，John。I’lltrytomeetyou——somewhere。"

CCXXII

APROPHETHONOREDINHISCOUNTRY

ClemensleftnextdayforColumbia。CommitteesmethimatRensselaer，MonroeCity，Clapper，Stoutsville，Paris，Madison，Moberly——ateverystationalongthelineofhistravel。Ateachplacecrowdsweregatheredwhenthetrainpulledin，tocheerandwaveandtopresenthimwithflowers。Sometimeshespokeafewwords；butoftenerhiseyeswerefulloftears——hisvoicewouldnotcome。

Thereissomethingessentiallydramaticinofficialrecognitionbyone’snativeState——thereturnoftheladwhohassetoutunknowntobattlewithlife，andwho，havingconquered，isinvitedbacktobecrowned。Nootherhonor，howevergreatandspectacular，isquitelikethat，forthereisinitapathosandacompletenessthatareelementalandstiremotionsasoldaslifeitself。

Itwasonthe4thofJune，1902，thatMarkTwainreceivedhisdoctoroflawsdegreefromtheStateUniversityatColumbia，Missouri。JamesWilson，SecretaryofAgriculture，andEthanAllenHitchcock，SecretaryoftheInterior，wereamongthosesimilarlyhonored。MarkTwainwasnaturallythechiefattraction。DressedinhisYalescholasticgownheledtheprocessionofgraduatingstudents，and，asinHannibal，awardedthemtheirdiplomas。Theregularexercisesweremadepurposelybriefinorderthatsometimemightbeallowedfortheconferringofthedegrees。

Thisceremonywasapeculiarlyimpressiveone。GardnerLathropreadabriefstatementintroducing"America’sforemostauthorandbest—lovedcitizen，SamuelLanghorneClemens——MarkTwain。"

Clemensrose，steppedouttothecenterofthestage，andpaused。Heseemedtobeindoubtastowhetherheshouldmakeaspeechorsimplyexpresshisthanksandretire。Suddenly，andwithoutasignal，thegreataudienceroseasonemanandstoodinsilenceathisfeet。Hebowed，buthecouldnotspeak。Thenthatvastassemblybeganapeculiarchant，spellingoutslowlythewordMissouri，withapausebetweeneachletter。

Itwasdramatic；itwastremendousinitsimpressiveness。Hehadrecoveredhimselfwhentheyfinished。Hesaidhedidn’tknowwhetherhewasexpectedtomakeaspeechornot。Theydidnotleave’himindoubt。

Theycheeredanddemandedaspeech，aspeech，andhemadethemone——oneofthespeecheshecouldmakebest，fullofquaintphrasing，happyhumor，gentleanddramaticpathos。Heclosedbytellingthewatermelonstoryforits"moraleffect。"

HewastheguestofE。W。StevensinColumbia，andadinnerwasgiveninhishonor。Theywouldhavelikedtokeephimlonger，buthewasdueinSt。Louisagaintojoininthededicationofthegrounds，wherewastobeheldaWorld’sFair，tocelebratetheLouisianaPurchase。AnotherceremonyheattendedwasthechristeningoftheSt。Louisharbor—boat，orrathertherechristening，forithadbeendecidedtochangeitsnamefromtheSt。Louis——[OriginallytheElonG。Smith，builtin1873。]——totheMarkTwain。Ashorttripwasmadeonitfortheceremony。GovernorFrancisandMayorWellswereoftheparty，andCountandCountessRochambeauandMarquisdeLafayette，withtherestoftheFrenchgroupthathadcomeoverforthededicationoftheWorld’sFairgrounds。

MarkTwainhimselfwasinvitedtopilottheharborboat，andsoreturnedforthelasttimetohisoldplaceatthewheel。Theyallcollectedinthepilot—housebehindhim，feelingthatitwasamemorableoccasion。

Theyweregoingalongwellenoughwhenhesawalittleripplerunningoutfromtheshoreacrossthebow。Intheolddayshecouldhavetoldwhetheritindicatedabarthereorwasonlycausedbythewind，buthecouldnotbesureanymore。Turningtothepilotlanguidly，hesaid：

"Ifeelalittletired。Iguessyouhadbettertakethewheel。"

Luncheonwasservedaboard，andMayorWellsmadethechristeningspeech；

thentheCountessRochambeautookabottleofchampagnefromthehandofGovernorFrancisandsmasheditonthedeck，saying，"Ichristenthee，goodboat，MarkTwain。"Soitwas，theMississippijoinedinaccordinghimhonors。InhisspeechofreplyhepaidtributetothoseillustriousvisitorsfromFranceandrecountedsomethingofthestoryofFrenchexplorationalongthatgreatriver。

"ThenameofLaSallewilllastaslongastheriveritself，"hesaid；

"willlastuntilcommerceisdead。Wehaveallowedthecommerceoftherivertodie，butitwastoaccommodatetherailroads，andwemustbegrateful。"

Carriageswerewaitingforthemwhentheboatlandedintheafternoon，andthepartygotinandweredriventoahousewhichhadbeenidentifiedasEugeneField’sbirthplace。Abronzetabletrecordingthisfacthadbeeninstalled，andthiswastobetheunveiling。Theplacewasnotinaninvitingquarterofthetown。ItstoodinwhatisknownasWalsh’sRow——wasfashionableenoughonce，p