第34章

Lookathispestiferoussimplifiedspelling。Imaginethecalamityontwosidesoftheoceanwhenhefoistedhissimplifiedspellingonthewholehumanrace。We’vegotitallnowsothatnobodycouldspell……

IfMr。Carnegiehadleftspellingalonewewouldn’thavehadanyspotsonthesun，oranySanFranciscoquake，oranybusinessdepression。

There，Itrusthefeelsbetternowandthathehasenjoyedmyabusemorethanhedidhiscompliments。AndnowthatIthinkIhavehimsmootheddownandfeelingcomfortableIjustwanttosayonethingmore——thathissimplifiedspellingisallrightenough，but，likechastity，youcancarryittoofar。

Ashewasabouttogo，Carnegiecalledhisattentiontothebeautifulsouvenirbronzeandgold—platedgobletsthatstoodateachguest’splate。

Carnegiesaid：

"TheclubhadthoseespeciallymadeatTiffany’sforthisoccasion。Theycosttendollarsapiece。"

Clemenssand："Isthatso？Well，Ionlymeanttotakemyown；butifthat’sthecaseI’llloadmycabwiththem。"

Wemadeanattempttoreformonthematterofbilliards。Thecontinuedstrainoflatehourswasdoingneitherofusanyparticulargood。MorethanonceIjourneyedintothecountryononeerrandandanother，mainlyforrest；butacardsayingthathewaslonelyandupset，forlackofhiseveninggames，quicklybroughtmebackagain。Itwasmywishonlytoservehim；itwasaprivilegeandanhonortogivehimhappiness。

Billiards，however，wasnothisonlyrecreationjustthen。Hewalkedoutagooddeal，andespeciallyofapleasantSundaymorninghelikedthestrollupFifthAvenue。SometimeswewentashighasCarnegie’s，onNinety—secondStreet，androdehomeontopoftheelectricstage——alwaysoneofMarkTwain’sfavoritediversions。

Fromthathighseathelikedtolookdownonthepanoramaofthestreets，andinthatfree，openairhecouldsmokewithoutinterference。Oftener，however，weturnedatFifty—ninthStreet，walkingbothways。

WhenitwaspleasantwesometimessatonabenchinCentralPark；andoncehemusthaveleftahandkerchiefthere，forafewdayslateroneofhishandkerchiefscametohimaccompaniedbyanote。Itsfinder，aMr。

Lockwood，receivedareward，forMarkTwainwrotehim：

Thereismorerejoicinginthishouseoverthatonehandkerchiefthatwaslostandisfoundagainthanovertheninetyandninethatneverwenttothewashatall。Heavenwillrewardyou，Iknowitwill。

OnSundaymorningsthereturnwalkwouldbetimedforaboutthehourthatthechurcheswouldbedismissed。OnthefirstSundaymorningwehadstartedalittleearly，andIthoughtlesslysuggested，whenwereachedFifty—ninthStreet，thatifwereturnedatoncewewouldavoidthethrong。Hesaid，quietly：

"Ilikethethrong。"

SowerestedinthePlazaHoteluntiltheappointedhour。Menandwomennoticedhim，andcameovertoshakehishand。Thegiganticmaninuniform；inchargeofthecarriagesatthedoor，cameinforaword。HehadopenedcarriagesforMr。ClemensattheTwenty—thirdStreetstation，andnowwantedtoclaimthathonor。Ithinkhereceivedthemostcordialwelcomeofanyonewhocame。Iamsurehedid。ItwasMarkTwain’swaytowarmtothemanofthelowersocialrank。Hewasnevertoobusy，nevertoopreoccupied，tograspthehandofsuchaman；tolistentohisstory，andtosayjustthewordsthatwouldmakethatmanhappyrememberingthem。

WeleftthePlazaHotelandpresentlywereamidthethrongofoutpouringcongregations。Ofcoursehewastheobjectonwhicheverypassingeyeturned；thepresencetowhicheveryhatwaslifted。Irealizedthatthisopenandeagerlypaidhomageofthemultitudewasstilldeartohim，notinanysmallandpettyway，butasthetributeofanation，theexpressionofthataffectionwhichinhisLondonandLiverpoolspeecheshehaddeclaredtobethelastandfinalandmostpreciousrewardthatanymancanwin，whetherbycharacterorachievement。Itwashisfinalharvest，andhehadthecouragetoclaimit——theaftermathofallhisyearsofhonorablelaborandnobleliving。

CCLXII

FROMMARKTWAIN’sMAIL

Ifthereaderhasanycuriosityastosomeofthelessusualletterswhichamanofwidepublicnotemayinspire，perhapshewillfindacertaininterestinafewselectedfromthethousandswhichyearlycametoMarkTwain。

Foronething，hewasconstantlyreceivingprescriptionsandremedieswheneverthepapersreportedoneofhisbronchialorrheumaticattacks。

Itishardlynecessarytoquoteexamplesofthese，butonlyaformofhisoccasionalreply，whichwaslikelytobeinthiswise：

DEARSIR[orMADAM]，——Itryeveryremedysenttome。IamnowonNo。87。Yoursis2，653。Iamlookingforwardtoitsbeneficialresults。

Ofcoursealargenumberofthenostrumsandpalliativesofferedwerepreparationsmadebythewildestandlongest—hairedmedicalcranks。OneofthesesentanadvertisementofacertainElixirofLife，whichwasguaranteedtocureeverything——to"washandcleansethehumanmolecules，andsorestoreyouthandpreservelifeeverlasting。"

Anonymouslettersarenotusuallypopularortobeencouraged，butMarkTwainhadanespecialweaknessforcomplimentsthatcameinthatway。

Theywerenotmercenarycompliments。Thewriterhadnothingtogain。

Twosuchlettersfollow——bothwritteninEnglandjustatthetimeofhisreturn。

MARKTWAIN。

DEARSIR，——Pleaseacceptapoorwidow’sgood—byandkindestwishes。

Ihavehadsomeofyourbookssenttome；haveenjoyedthemverymuch——onlywishIcouldaffordtobuysome。

Ishouldverymuchliketohaveseenyou。IhavemanyphotosofyouwhichIhavecutfromseveralpaperswhichIread。Ihaveonewhereyouarewritinginbed，whichIcutfromtheDailyNews。Likemyself，youbelieveinlotsofsleepandrest。Iam70andIfindI

needplenty。PleaseforgivethelibertyIhavetakeninwritingtoyou。IfIcan’tcometoyourfuneralmaywemeetbeyondtheriver。

MayGodguardyou，isthewishofalonelyoldwidow。

Yourssincerely，Theotherletteralsotellsitsownstory：

DEAR，KINDMARKTWAIN，——ForyearsIhavewantedtowriteandthankyouforthecomfortyouweretomeonce，onlyIneverquiteknewwhereyouwere，andbesidesIdidnotwanttobotheryou；butto—dayIwastoldbysomeonewhosawyougoingintotheliftattheSavoythatyoulookedsadandIthoughtitmightcheeryoualittletinybittohearhowyoukeptapoorlonelygirlfromruininghereyeswithcryingeverynightforlongmonths。

TenyearsagoIhadtoleavehomeandearnmylivingasagovernessandFatesentmetospendawinterwithaverydulloldcountryfamilyinthedepthsofStaffordshire。AccordingtothegenialEnglishcustom，aftermyfivechargeshadgonetobed，Itookmyeveningmealaloneintheschool—room，where"HenryTudorhadsuppedthenightbeforeBosworth，"andthereIhadtostaywithoutasoultospeaktotillIwenttobed。AtfirstIusedtocryeverynight，butafriendsentmeacopyofyourHuckleberryFinnandInevercriedanymore。Ikepthimhandyunderthecopy—booksandmaps，andwhenHenryTudorcommencedtostretchouthischillyhandstowardmeIgrabbedmydearHuckandheneveroncefailedme；IopenedhimatrandomandintwominutesIwasinanotherworld。That’swhyIamsogratefultoyouandsofondofyou，andIthoughtyoumightliketoknow；foritisyourselfthathasthekindheart，asiseasilyseenfromthewayyouwroteaboutthepooroldnigger。Iamastenographernowandliveathome，butIshallneverforgethowyouhelpedme。Godblessyouandspareyoulongtothoseyouaredearto。

AletterwhichcametohimsoonafterhisreturnfromEnglandcontainedaclippingwhichreportedthegoodworkdonebyChristianmissionariesintheCongo，especiallyamongnativesafflictedbytheterriblesleepingsickness。Theletteritselfconsistedmerelyofaline，whichsaid：

Won’tyougiveyourfriends，themissionaries，agoodmarkforthis？

Thewriter’snamewassigned，andMarkTwainanswered：

InChinathemissionariesarenotwanted，&sotheyoughttobedecent&goaway。ButIhavenotheardthatintheCongothemissionaryservantsofGodareunwelcometothenative。

Evidentlythosemissionariesaxepitying，compassionate，kind。HowitwouldimproveGodtotakealessonfromthem！Heinvented&

distributedthegermofthatawfuldiseaseamongthosehelpless，poorsavages，&nowHesitswithHiselbowsonthebalusters&looksdown&enjoysthiswantoncrime。Confidently，&betweenyou&me—

well，nevermind，ImightgetstruckbylightningifIsaidit。

Thosearegoodandkindlymen，thosemissionaries，buttheyareameasurelesssatireupontheirMaster。

Towhichthewriteranswered：

OwickedMr。Clemens！IhavetoaskSaintJoanofArctoprayforyou；thenoneofthesedays，whenweallstandbeforetheGoldenGatesandwenolonger"seethroughaglassdarklyandknowonlyinpart，"therewillbeastruggleattheheavenlyportalsbetweenJoanofArcandSt。Peter，butyourblessedJoanwillconquerandshe’llleadMr。Clemensthroughthegatesofpearlandapologizeandpleadforhim。

Ofthelettersthatirritatedhim，perhapsthefollowingisasfairasampleasany，andithasadditionalinterestinitssequel。

DEARSIR，——Ihavewrittenabook——naturally——whichfact，however，sinceIamnotyourenemy，needgiveyounooccasiontorejoice。

Norneedyougrieve，thoughIamsendingyouacopy。IfIknewofanywayofcompellingyoutoreaditIwoulddoso，butunlessthefirstfewpageshavethateffectIcandonothing。Trythefirstfewpages。Ihavedoneagreatdealmorethanthatwithyourbooks，soperhapsyouowemesomething——saytenpages。IfafterthatattemptyouputitasideIshallbesorry——foryou。

Iamafraidthattheabovelooksflippant——butthinkofthetwitteringsofthesoulofhimwhobringsinhishandanunbiddenbook，writtenbyhimself。Tosuchaonemuchisdueinthewayofindulgence。Willyourememberthat？Haveyouforgottenearlytwitteringsofyourown？

InamemorandummadeonthisletterMarkTwainwrote：

Anotheroneofthosepeculiarlydepressingletters——alettercastinartificiallyhumorousform，whilstnoartcouldmakethesubjecthumorous——tome。

Commentingfurther，hesaid：

AsIhaveremarkedbeforeaboutonethousandtimesthecoatofarmsofthehumanraceoughttoconsistofamanwithanaxonhisshoulderproceedingtowardagrindstone，oritoughttorepresenttheseveralmembersofthehumanraceholdingoutthehattooneanother；forweareallbeggars，eachinhisownway。Onebeggaristooproudtobegforpennies，butwillbegforanintroductionintosociety；anotherdoesnotcareforsociety，buthewantsapostmastership；anotherwillinveiglealawyerintoconversationandthenspongeonhimforfreeadvice。Themanwhowouldn’tdoanyofthesethingswillbegforthePresidency。Eachadmireshisowndignityandgreatlyguardsit，butinhisopiniontheothershaven’tany。

Mendicancyisamatteroftasteandtemperament，nodoubt，butnohumanbeingiswithoutsomeformofit。Iknowmyownform，youknowyours。Letusconcealthemfromviewandabusetheothers。

Thereisnomansopoorbutwhatatintervalssomemancomestohimwithanaxtogrind。Byandbytheax’saspectbecomesfamiliartotheproprietorofthegrindstone。Heperceivesthatitisthesameoldax。Ifyouareagovernoryouknowthatthestrangerwantsanoffice。Thefirsttimehearrivesyouaredeceived；hepoursoutsuchnoblepraisesofyouandyourpoliticalrecordthatyouaremovedtotears；there’salumpinyourthroatandyouarethankfulthatyouhavelivedforthishappiness。Thenthestrangerdiscloseshisax，andyouareashamedofyourselfandyourrace。Sixrepetitionswillcureyou。Afterthatyouinterruptthecomplimentsandsay，"Yes，yes，that’sallright；nevermindaboutthat。Whatisityouwant？"

ButyouandIareinthebusinessourselves。Everynowandthenwecarryouraxtosomebodyandaskawhet。Idon’tcarryminetostrangers——Idrawthelinethere；perhapsthatisyourway。Thisisboundtosetusuponahighandholypinnacleandmakeuslookdownincoldrebukeonpersonswhocarrytheiraxestostrangers。

Idonotknowhowtoanswerthatstranger’sletter。Iwishhehadsparedme。Nevermindabouthim——Iamthinkingaboutmyself。I

wishhehadsparedme。Thebookhasnotarrivedyet；butnomatter，Iamprejudicedagainstit。

Itwasafewdayslaterthatheadded：

Iwrotetothatman。IfellbackupontheoldOverworked，politelie，andthankedhimforhisbookandsaidIwaspromisingmyselfthepleasureofreadingit。Ofcoursethatsetmefree；Iwasnotobligedtoreaditnowatall，and，beingfree，myprejudicewasgone，andassoonasthebookcameIopenedittoseewhatitwaslike。IwasnotabletoputitdownuntilIhadfinished。Itwasanembarrassingthingtohavetowritetothatmanandconfessthatfact，butIhadtodoit。Thatfirstletterwasmerelyalie。DoyouthinkIwrotethesecondonetogivethatmanpleasure？Well，I

did，butitwassecond—handpleasure。Iwroteitfirsttogivemyselfcomfort，tomakemyselfforgettheoriginallie。

MarkTwain’sinterestwasoncearousedbythefollowing：

DEARSIR，——Ihavehadmoreorlessofyourworksonmyshelvesforyears，andbelieveIhavepracticallyacompletesetnow。Thisisnothingunusual，ofcourse，butIpresumeitwillseemtoyouunusualforanyonetokeepbooksconstantlyinsightwhichtheownerregretseverhavingread。

EverytimemyglancerestsonthebooksIdoregrethavingreadthem，anddonothesitatetotellyousotoyourface，andcarenotwhomayknowmyfeelings。You，whomustbekeptbusyattendingtoyourcorrespondence，willprobablypaylittleornoattentiontothissmallfractionofit，yetmyreasons，Ibelieve，aresoundandareprobablysharedbymorepeoplethanyouareawareof。

Probablyyouwillnotreadfarenoughthroughthistoseewhohassignedit，butifyoudo，andcaretoknowwhyIwishIhadleftyourworkunread，Iwilltellyouasbrieflyaspossibleifyouwillaskme。

GEORGEB。LAUDER。

Clemensdidnotanswertheletter，butputitinhispocket，perhapsintendingtodoso，andafewdayslater，inBoston，whenareportercalled，hehappenedtorememberit。Thereporteraskedpermissiontoprintthequeerdocument，anditappearedinhisMarkTwaininterviewnextmorning。Afewdayslaterthewriterofitsentasecondletter，thistimeexplaining：

MYDEARSIR，——Isawinto—day’spaperacopyoftheletterwhichI

wroteyouOctober26th。

Ihavereadandre—readyourworksuntilIcanalmostrecallsomeofthemwordforword。MyfamiliaritywiththemisaconstantsourceofpleasurewhichIwouldnothavemissed，andthereforetheregretwhichIhaveexpressedismorethanoffsetbythankfulness。

Believeme，theregretwhichIfeelforhavingreadyourworksisentirelyduetotheunalterablefactthatIcanneveragainhavethepleasureofreadingthemforthefirsttime。

Yoursincereadmirer，GEORGEB。LADDER。

MarkTwainpromptlyrepliedthistime：

DEARSIR，Youfooledmecompletely；Ididn’tdivinewhattheletterwasconcealing，neitherdidthenewspapermen，soyouareaverycompetentdeceiver。

Trulyyours，S。L。CLEMENS。

Itwasabouttheendof1907thatthenewSt。LouisHarborboat，wascompleted。TheeditoroftheSt。LouisRepublicreportedthatithasbeenchristened"MarkTwain，"andaskedforawordofcomment。Clemenssentthisline：

Maymynamesakefollowinmyrighteousfootsteps，thenneitherofuswillneedanyfireinsurance。

CCLXIII

SOMELITERARYLUNCHEONS

Howells，inhisbook，referstotheHumanRaceLuncheonClub，whichClemensonceorganizedfortheparticularpurposeofdamningthespeciesinconcert。Itwastoconsist，besideClemenshimself，ofHowells，ColonelHarvey，andPeterDunne；butitsomehowneverhappenedthateventhissmallmembershipcouldbeassembledwhiletheideawasstillfresh，andthereforepotent。

Outofit，however，grewanumberofthoseprivatesocialgatheringswhichClemenssodearlyloved——smallluncheonsanddinnersgivenathisowntable。Thefirstofthesecamealongtowardtheendof1907，whenHowellswasplanningtospendthewinterinItaly。

"Howellsisgoingaway，"hesaid，"andIshouldliketogivehimastag—

party。We’llenlargetheHumanRaceClubfortheoccasion。"

SoHowells，ColonelHarvey，MartinLittleton，AugustusThomas，RobertPorter，andPaderewskiwereinvited。Paderewskiwasunabletocome，andseveninallassembled。

Howellswasfirsttoarrive。

"HerecomesHowells，"Clemenssaid。"OldHowellsathousandyearsold。"

ButHowellsdidn’tlookit。Hisfacewasfullofgood—natureandapparenthealth，andhewasbynomeansvenerable，eitherinspeechoraction。Thomas，Porter，Littleton，andHarveydriftedin。Cocktailswereservedandluncheonwasannounced。

Claude，thebutler，hadpreparedthetablewithfineartistry——itscenteramassofroses。Therewastobenowomanintheneighborhood——Clemensannouncedthisfactasasortofwarrantforgeneralfreedomofexpression。

Thomas’splay，"TheWitchingHour，"wasthenattheheightofitsgreatacceptance，andthetalknaturallybeganthere。Thomastoldsomethingofthedifficultywhichhefoundinbeingabletoconvinceamanagerthatitwouldsucceed，anddeclaredittobehisownfavoritework。Ibelievetherewasnodissentingopinionastoitsartisticvalue，orconcerningitspurposeandpsychology，thoughthesehadbeenthestumbling—blocksfromamanagerialpointofview。

Whenthesubjectwasconcluded，andtherehadcomealull，ColonelHarvey，whowasseatedatClemens’sleft，said：

"UncleMark"——heoftencalledhimthat——"MajorLeighhandedmeareportoftheyear’ssalesjustasIwasleaving。Itshowsyourroyaltyreturnsthisyeartobeveryclosetofiftythousanddollars。Idon’tbelievethereisanothersuchreturnfromoldbooksonrecord。"

Thiswassaidinanundertone，toClemensonly，butwasoverheardbyoneortwoofthosewhosatnearest。Clemenswasnotunwillingtorepeatitforthebenefitofall，anddidso。Howellssaid：

"Astatementlikethatarousesmybasestpassions。Thebooksarenogood；it’sjusttheadvertisingtheyget。"

Clemenssaid："Yes，mycontractcompelsthepublishertoadvertise。Itcoststhemtwohundreddollarseverytimetheyleavetheadvertisementoutofthemagazines。"

"Andthreehundredeverytimeweputitin，"saidHarvey。"Weoftendebatewhetheritismoreprofitabletoputintheadvertisementortoleaveitout。"

Thetalkswitchedbacktoplaysandacting。ThomasrecalledanincidentofBeerbohmTree’sperformanceof"Hamlet。"W。S。Gilbert，oflight—

operacelebrity，waspresentataperformance，andwhentheplayendedMrs。Treehurriedovertohimandsaid：

"Oh，Mr。Gilbert，whatdidyouthinkofMr。Tree’srenditionofHamlet？"

"Remarkable，"saidGilbert。"Funnywithoutbeingvulgar。"

Itwaswithsuchidletalesandtalk—playthattheafternoonpassed。Notmuchofitallislefttome，butIrememberHowellssaying，"Diditeveroccurtoyouthatthenewspapersabolishedhell？Well，theydid——itwasneverdonebythechurch。Therewasaconsensusofnewspaperopinionthattheoldhellwithitslakeoffireandbrimstonewasanantiquatedinstitution；infactadeadletter。"Andagain，"IwascomingdownBroadwaylastnight，andIstoppedtolookatoneofthestreet—venderssellingthoselittletoyfightingroosters。Itwasableak，desolateevening；nobodywasbuyinganything，andashepulledthestringandkeptthoselittleroostersdancingandfightinghisremarksgrewmoreandmorecheerlessandsardonic。

"’Japanesegamechickens，’hesaid；’prettytoys，amusethechildrenwiththeirantics。Childofthreecanoperateit。TakethemhomeforChristmas。Chicken—fightatyourownfireside。’ItriedtocatchhiseyetoshowhimthatIunderstoodhisdesolationandsorrow，butitwasnouse。Hewentondancinghistoychickens，andsaying，overandover，’Chicken—fightatyourownfireside。’"

Theluncheonover，wewanderedbackintothedrawing—room，andpresentlyallleftbutColonelHarvey。ClemensandtheColonelwentuptothebilliard—roomandengagedinagameofcushioncaroms，attwenty—fivecentsagame。Iwasumpireandstakeholder，anditwasamostinterestingoccupation，fortheserieswascloseandaverycheerfulone。

ItendedthedaymuchtoMarkTwain’ssatisfaction，forhewasoftenestwinner。Thateveninghesaid：

"Wewillrepeatthatluncheon；weoughttorepeatitonceamonth。

Howellswillbegone，butwemusthavetheothers。Wecannothaveathinglikethattoooften。"

Therewas，infact，asecondstag—luncheonverysoonafter，atwhichGeorgeRiggswaspresentandthatrareIrishmusician，DenisO’Sullivan。

Itwasanotherchoiceafternoon，withamysticalqualitywhichcameofthemusicmadebyO’SullivanonsomeHindureeds—pipesofPan。ButweshallhavemoreofO’Sullivanpresently——alltoolittle，forhisdayswerefewandfleeting。

Howellscouldnotgetawayjustyet。ColonelHarvey，who，likeJamesOsgood，wouldnotfailtofindexcuseforentertainment，charteredtwodrawing—roomcars，andwithMrs。Harveytookapartyoffifty—fiveorsixtycongenialmenandwomentoLakewoodforagood—byluncheontoHowells。ItwasadayborrowedfromJune，warmandbeautiful。

Thetripdownwasasortofreception。Mostoftheguestswereacquainted，butmanyofthemdidnotoftenmeet。Therewasconstantvisitingbackandforththefulllengthofthetwocoaches。DenisO’Sullivanwasamongtheguests。Helookedinthebloomofhealth，andhehadhispipesandplayedhismysticairs；thenhebroughtoutthetin—

whistleofIreland，andblewsuchrollickingmelodiesascaperingfairiesinventedalongtimeago。Thiswasonthetraingoingdown。

Therewasabriefprogramfollowingthelight—heartedfeasting——aninformalprogramfittingtothatsunnyday。ItopenedwithsomerecitationsbyMissKittyCheatham；thenColonelHarveyintroducedHowells，withmentionofhiscomingjourney。Asarule，Howellsdoesnotenjoyspeaking。Heiswillingtoreadanaddressonoccasion，buthehasownedthattheprospectoftalkingwithouthisnotesterrifieshim。Thistime，however，therewasnoreluctance，thoughhehadpreparednospeech。

Hewasamongfriends。Helookedevenhappywhenhegotonhisfeet，andhespokelikeahappyman。HetalkedaboutMarkTwain。Itwasalldelicate，deliciouschaffingwhichshowedHowellsathisverybest——alltooshortforhislisteners。

Clemens，replying，returnedthechaff，andrambledamusinglyamonghisfancies，closingwithafewbeautifulwordsof"Godspeedandsafereturn"

tohisoldcomradeandfriend。

ThenoncemorecameDenisandhispipes。Noonewilleverforgethispartoftheprogram。Thelittlesampleswehadheardonthetrainwereexpandedandmultiplieda