第27章

"Thinkofit！"hewroteTwichell。"Twooldrebelsfunctioningthere：I

aspresidentandWattersonasoratoroftheday！Thingshavechangedsomewhatinthesefortyyears，thankGod！"

TheWattersonintroductionisoneofthechoicestofMarkTwain’sspeeches——apureandperfectexampleofsimpleeloquence，worthyoftheoccasionwhichgaveitutterance，worthyinspiteofitsplayfulparagraphs(orevenbecauseofthem，forLincolnwouldhavelovedthem)，tobecomethematrixofthatimperishableGettysburgphrasewithwhichhemakeshisclimax。HeopenedbydwellingforamomentonColonelWattersonasasoldier，journalist，orator，statesman，andpatriot；thenhesaid：

Itisacuriouscircumstancethatwithoutcollusionofanykind，butmerelyinobediencetoastrangeandpleasantanddramaticfreakofdestiny，heandI，kinsmenbyblood——[ColonelWatterson’sforebearshadintermarriedwiththeLamptons。]——forwearethat——andone—timerebels——forwewerethat——shouldbechosenoutofamillionsurvivingquondamrebelstocomehereandbareourheadsinreverenceandloveofthatnoblesoulwhom40yearsagowetriedwithallourheartsandallourstrengthtodefeatanddispossess——

AbrahamLincoln！IstheRebellionendedandforgotten？AretheBlueandtheGrayoneto—day？Byauthorityofthissignwemayansweryes；therewasaRebellion——thatincidentisclosed。

IwasbornandrearedinaslaveState，myfatherwasaslaveowner；

andintheCivilWarIwasasecondlieutenantintheConfederateservice。Forawhile。Thissecondcousinofmine，ColonelWatterson，theoratorofthispresentoccasion，wasbornandrearedinaslaveState，wasacolonelintheConfederateservice，andrenderedmesuchassistanceashecouldinmyself—appointedgreattaskofannihilatingtheFederalarmiesandbreakinguptheUnion。

Ilaidmyplanswithwisdomandforesight，andifColonelWattersonhadobeyedmyordersIshouldhavesucceededinmygiantundertaking。ItwasmyintentiontodriveGeneralGrantintothePacific——ifIcouldgettransportation——andItoldColonelWattersontosurroundtheEasternarmiesandwaittillIcame。Buthewasinsubordinate，andstooduponapunctilioofmilitaryetiquette；herefusedtotakeordersfromasecondlieutenant——andtheUnionwassaved。Thisisthefirsttimethatthissecrethasbeenrevealed。

Untilnownooneoutsidethefamilyhasknownthefacts。Buttheretheystand：WattersonsavedtheUnion。Yettothisdaythatmangetsnopension。Thoseweregreatdays，splendiddays。Whatanuprisingitwas！Fortheheartsofthewholenation，NorthandSouth，wereinthewar。WeoftheSouthwerenotashamed；for，likethemenoftheNorth，wewerefightingfor’flagsweloved；andwhenmenfightforthesethings，andundertheseconvictions，withnothingsordidtotarnishtheircause，thatcauseisholy，thebloodspiltforitissacred，thelifethatislaiddownforitisconsecrated。To—daywenolongerregrettheresult，to—daywearegladitcameoutasitdid，butwearenotashamedthatwedidourendeavor；wedidourbravestbest，againstdespairingodds，forthecausewhichwasprecioustousandwhichourconsciencesapproved；

andweareproud——andyouareproud——thekindredbloodinyourveinsanswerswhenIsayit——youareproudoftherecordwemadeinthosemightycollisionsinthefields。

Whatanuprisingitwas！Wedidnothavetosupplicateforsoldiersoneitherside。"Wearecoming，FatherAbraham，threehundredthousandstrong！"ThatwasthemusicNorthandSouth。TheverychoicestyoungbloodandbrawnandbrainroseupfromMainetotheGulfandflockedtothestandards——justasmenalwaysdowhenintheireyestheircauseisgreatandfineandtheirheartsareinit；

justasmenflockedtotheCrusades，sacrificingalltheypossessedtothecause，andenteringcheerfullyuponhardshipswhichwecannotevenimagineinthisage，andupontoilsomeandwastingjourneyswhichinourtimewouldbetheequivalentofcircumnavigatingtheglobefivetimesover。

NorthandSouthweputourheartsintothatcolossalstruggle，andoutofitcametheblessedfulfilmentoftheprophecyoftheimmortalGettysburgspeechwhichsaid："Weherehighlyresolvethatthesedeadshallnothavediedinvain；thatthisnation，underGod，shallhaveanewbirthoffreedom；andthatagovernmentofthepeople，bythepeople，forthepeople，shallnotperishfromtheearth。"

Weareheretohonorthebirthdayofthegreatestcitizen，andthenoblestandthebest，afterWashington，thatthislandoranyotherhasyetproduced。Theoldwoundsarehealed，youandwearebrothersagain；youtestifyitbyhonoringtwoofus，oncesoldiersoftheLostCause，andfoesofyourgreatandgoodleader——withtheprivilegeofassistinghere；andwetestifyitbylayingourhonesthomageatthefeetofAbrahamLincoln，andinforgettingthatyouoftheNorthandweoftheSouthwereeverenemies，andrememberingonlythatwearenowindistinguishablyfusedtogetherandnameablebyonecommongreatname——Americans！

CCXIV

MARKTWAINANDTHEMISSIONARIES

MarkTwainhadreallybegunhiscrusadeforreformsoonafterhisarrivalinAmericainapracticalhand—to—handmanner。Hishousekeeper，KatieLeary，onenightemployedacabmantodriveherfromtheGrandCentralStationtothehouseat14WestTenthStreet。Nocontracthadbeenmadeastoprice，andwhenshearrivedtherethecabman’sextortionatechargewasrefused。Hepersistedinit，andshesentintothehouseforheremployer。Ofallmen，MarkTwainwasthelastonetocountenanceanextortion。Hereasonedwiththemankindlyenoughatfirst；whenthedriveratlastbecameabusiveClemensdemandedhisnumber，whichwasatfirstrefused。Intheendhepaidthelegalfare，andinthemorningenteredaformalcomplaint，somethingaltogetherunexpected，fortheAmericanpublicisaccustomedtosufferingalmostanysortofimpositiontoavoidtroubleandpublicity。

InsomenoteswhichClemenshadmadeinLondonfouryearsearlierhewrote：

Ifyoucallapolicemantosettlethedisputeyoucandependononething——hewilldecideitagainstyoueverytime。AndsowilltheNewYorkpoliceman。InLondonifyoucarryyourcaseintocourtthemanthatisentitledtowinitwillwinit。InNewYork——butnoonecarriesacabcaseintocourtthere。Itismyimpressionthatitisnowmorethanthirtyyearssinceanyonehascarriedacabcaseintocourtthere。

Nevertheless，hewaspromptlyonhandwhenthecasewascalledtosustainthechargeandtoreadthecabdrivers’unionandthepublicingeneralalessoningood—citizenship。Attheendofthehearing，toarepresentativeoftheunionhesaid：

"Thisisnotamatterofsentiment，mydearsir。Itissimplypracticalbusiness。YoucannotimaginethatIammakingmoneywastinganhourortwoofmytimeprosecutingacaseinwhichIcanhavenopersonalinterestwhatever。Iamdoingthisjustasanycitizenshoulddo。Hehasnochoice。Hehasadistinctduty。Heisanon—classifiedpoliceman。Everycitizenis，apoliceman，anditishisdutytoassistthepoliceandthemagistracyineverywayhecan，andgivehistime，ifnecessary，todoso。Hereisamanwhoisaperfectlynaturalproductofaninfamoussysteminthiscity——achargeuponthelaxpatriotisminthiscityofNewYorkthatthisthingcanexist。Youhaveencouragedhim，ineverywayyouknowhowtoovercharge。Heisnotthecriminalhereatall。ThecriminalisthecitizenofNewYorkandtheabsenceofpatriotism。Iamnotheretoavengemyselfonhim。Ihavenoquarrelwithhim。MyquarreliswiththecitizensofNewYork，whohaveencouragedhim，andwhocreatedhimbyencouraginghimtooverchargeinthisway。"

Thedriver’slicensewassuspended。Thecasemadeastirinthenewspapers，anditisnotlikelythatanyoneincidentevercontributedmoretocab—drivingmoralsinNewYorkCity。

ButClemenshadlargermattersthanthisinprospect。Hismanyspeechesonmunicipalandnationalabuseshefeltweremoreorlessephemeral。Heproposednowtowritehimselfdownmoresubstantiallyandforawiderhearing。Thehumanracewasbehavingverybadly：unspeakablecorruptionwasrampantinthecity；theBoerswerebeingoppressedinSouthAfrica；

thenativeswerebeingmurderedinthePhilippines；LeopoldofBelgiumwasmassacringandmutilatingtheblacksintheCongo，andthealliedpowers，inthecauseofChrist，wereslaughteringtheChinese。Inhislettershehadmorethanonceboiledovertouchingthesematters，andforNew—Year’sEve，1900，hadwritten：

AGREETINGFROMTHENINETEENTHTOTHETWENTIETHCENTURY

IbringyouthestatelynationnamedChristendom，returning，bedraggled，besmirched，anddishonored，frompirateraidsinKiao—

Chou，Manchuria，SouthAfrica，andthePhilippines，withhersoulfullofmeanness，herpocketfullofboodle，andhermouthfullofpioushypocrisies。Givehersoapandtowel，buthidethelooking—

glass。——[PreparedforRedCrossSocietywatch—meeting，whichwaspostponeduntilMarch。Clemensrecalledhis"Greeting"forthatreasonandforoneother，whichheexpressedthus："Thelistofgreetersthusfarissuedbyyoucontainsonlyvaguegeneralitiesandonedefinitename——mine：’SomekingsandqueensandMarkTwain。’NowIamnotenjoyingthissparklingsolitudeanddistinction。Itmakesmefeellikeacircus—posterinagraveyard。"]

Thiswasasortofpreliminary。Then，restraininghimselfnolonger，heembodiedhissentimentsinanarticlefortheNorthAmericanReviewentitled，"TothePersonSittinginDarkness。"Therewascryingneedforsomeonetospeaktherightword。Hewasabouttheonlyonewhocoulddoitandbecertainofauniversalaudience。HetookashistextsomeChristmasEveclippingsfromtheNewYorkTribuneandSunwhichhehadbeensavingforthispurpose。TheTribuneclippingsaid：

ChristmaswilldawnintheUnitedStatesoverapeoplefullofhopeandaspirationandgoodcheer。Suchaconditionmeanscontentmentandhappiness。Thecarpinggrumblerwhomayhereandtheregoforthwillfindfewtolistentohim。Themajoritywillwonderwhatisthematterwithhim，andpasson。

ASunclippingdepictedthe"terribleoffensesagainsthumanitycommittedinthenameofpoliticsinsomeofthemostnotoriousEastSidedistricts"——theunmissionaried，unpoliceddarkerNewYork。TheSundeclaredthattheycouldnotbepicturedevenverbally。Butitsuggestedenoughtomakethereadershudderatthehideousdepthsofviceinthesectionsnamed。Anotherclippingfromthesamepaperreportedthe"Rev。Mr。

Ament，oftheAmericanBoardofForeignMissions，"ashavingcollectedindemnitiesforBoxerdamagesinChinaattherateofthreehundredtaelsforeachmurder，"fullpaymentforalldestroyedpropertybelongingtoChristians，andnationalfinesamountingtothirteentimestheindemnity。"ItquotedMr。AmentassayingthatthemoneysoobtainedwasusedforthepropagationoftheGospel，andthattheamountsocollectedwasmoderatewhencomparedwiththeamountsecuredbytheCatholics，whohaddemanded，inadditiontomoney，lifeforlife，thatistosay，"headforhead"——inonedistrictsixhundredandeightyheadshavingbeensocollected。

ThedespatchmadeMr。Amentsayagreatdealmorethanthis，butthegisthereisenough。MarkTwain，ofcourse，wasfiercelystirred。Themissionaryideahadseldomappealedtohim，andcoupledwiththisbusinessofbloodshed，itwaslessattractivethanusual。Heprintedtheclippingsinfull，onefollowingtheother；thenhesaid：

ByhappyluckwegetallthesegladtidingsonChristmasEve——justthetimetoenableustocelebratethedaywithpropergaietyandenthusiasm。Ourspiritssoarandwefindwecanevenmakejokes；

taelsIwin，headsyoulose。

HewentontoscoreAment，tocomparethemissionarypolicyinChinatothatofthePawneeIndians，andtoproposeforhimamonument——

subscriptionstobesenttotheAmericanBoard。HedenouncedthenationalpoliciesinAfrica，China，andthePhilippines，andshowedbythereportsandbytheprivatelettersofsoldiershome，howcruelandbarbarousandfiendishhadbeenthewarfaremadebythosewhoseavowedpurposewastocarrytheblessedlightofcivilizationandGospel"tothebenightednative"——howinverytruththesepricelessblessingshadbeenhandedonthepointofabayonettothe"PersonSittinginDarkness。"

MarkTwainneverwroteanythingmorescorching，morepenetratinginitssarcasm，morefearfulinitsrevelationofinjusticeandhypocrisy，thanhisarticle"TothePersonSittinginDarkness。"Heputaquafortisonalltherawplaces，andwhenitwasfinishedhehimselfdoubtedthewisdomofprintingit。Howells，however，agreedthatitshouldbepublished，and"itoughttobeillustratedbyDanBeard，"headded，"withsuchpicturesashemadefortheYankeeinKingArthur’sCourt，butyou’dbetterhangyourselfafterward。"

MeetingBeardafewdayslater，Clemensmentionedthematterandsaid：

"Soifyoumakethepictures，youhangwithme。"

Butpictureswerenotrequired。ItwaspublishedintheNorthAmericanReviewforFebruary，1901，astheopeningarticle；afterwhichthecyclone。Twostormsmovinginoppositedirectionsproduceacyclone，andthestormsimmediatelydeveloped；oneallforMarkTwainandhisprinciples，theotherallagainsthim。EverypaperinEnglandandAmericacommentedoniteditorially，withbitterdenunciationsorwitheagerpraise，accordingtotheirlightsandconvictions。

At14WestTenthStreetletters，newspaperclippings，documentspouredinbythebushel——laudations，vituperations，denunciations，vindications；nosuchtumulteveroccurredinapeacefulliteraryhome。Itwasreallyasifhehadthrownagreatmissileintothehumanhive，one—halfofwhichregardeditasaballofhoneyandtheremainderasacobblestone。

Whateverothereffectitmayhavehad，itleftnothinkingpersonunawakened。

Clemensreveledinit。W。A。Rogers，inHarper’sWeekly，caricaturedhimasTomSawyerinasnowfort，assailedbytheshowerofsnowballs，"havingthetimeofhislife。"Anotherartist，FredLewis，picturedhimasHuckFinnwithagun。

TheAmericanBoardwasnaturallydisturbed。TheAmentclippingwhichClemenshadusedhadbeenpublicpropertyformorethanamonth——itsauthenticityneverdenied；butitwasimmediatelydeniednow，andthecablekepthotwithinquiries。

TheRev。JudsonSmith，oneoftheboard，tookupthedefenseofDr。

Ament，declaringhimtobeonewhohadsufferedforthecause，andaskedMarkTwain，whose"brilliantarticle，"hesaid，"wouldproduceaneffectquitebeyondthereachofplainargument，"nottodoaninnocentmananinjustice。Clemensinthesamepaperrepliedthatsuchwasnothisintent，thatMr。Amentinhisreporthadsimplyarraignedhimself。

Thenitsuddenlydevelopedthatthecablereporthad"grosslyexaggerated"theamountofMr。Ament’scollections。Insteadofthirteentimestheindemnityitshouldhaveread"oneandathirdtimes"theindemnity；whereupon，inanotheropenletter，theboarddemandedretractionandapology。Clemenswouldnotfailtomaketheapology——atleasthewouldexplain。Itwaspreciselythekindofthingthatwouldappealtohim——thedelicatemoraldifferencebetweenademandthirteentimesasgreatasitshouldbeandademandthatwasonlyoneandathirdtimesthecorrectamount。"ToMyMissionaryCritics，"intheNorthAmericanReviewforApril(1901)，washisformalandsomewhatlengthyreply。

"Ihavenoprejudiceagainstapologies，"hewrote。"ItrustIshallneverwithholdonewhenitisdue。"

Hethenproceededtomakeouthiscasecategorically。Touchingtheexaggeratedindemnity，hesaid：

ToDr。Smiththe"thirteen—fold—extra"clearlystoodfor"theftandextortion，"andhewasright，distinctlyright，indisputablyright。Hemanifestlythinksthatwhenitgotscaledawaydowntoamere"one—third"

alittlethinglikethatwassomeotherthan"theftandextortion。"Why，onlytheboardknows！

Iwilltrytoexplainthisdifficultproblemsothattheboardcangetanideaofit。IfapauperowesmeadollarandIcatchhimunprotectedandmakehimpaymefourteendollarsthirteenofitis"theftandextortion。"

IfImakehimpayonlyonedollarthirty—threeandathirdcentsthethirty—threeandathirdcentsare"theftandextortion，"justthesame。

Iwillputitinanotherwaystillsimpler。Ifamanowesmeonedog——

anykindofadog，thebreedisofnoconsequence——andI——butletitgo；

theboardwouldneverunderstandit。Itcan’tunderstandtheseinvolvedanddifficultthings。

Heofferedsomefurtherillustrations，includingthe"TaleofaKingandHisTreasure"andanothertaleentitled"TheWatermelons。"

Ihaveitnow。Manyyearsago，whenIwasstudyingforthegallows，Ihadadearcomrade，ayouthwhowasnotinmyline，butstillascrupulouslygoodfellowthoughdevious。Hewaspreparingtoqualifyforaplaceontheboard，fortherewasgoingtobeavacancybysuperannuationinaboutfiveyears。ThiswasdownSouth，intheslaverydays。Itwasthenatureofthenegrothen，asnow，tostealwatermelons。Theystolethreeofthemelonsofanadoptivebrotherofmine，theonlygoodoneshehad。Isuspectedthreeofaneighbor’snegroes，buttherewasnoproof，and，besides，thewatermelonsinthosenegroes’privatepatcheswereallgreenandsmallandnotuptoindemnitystandard。Butintheprivatepatchesofthreeothernegroestherewasanumberofcompetentmelons。I

consultedwithmycomrade，theunderstudyoftheboard。HesaidthatifIwouldapprovehisarrangementshewouldarrange。Isaid，"Considermetheboard；Iapprove；arrange。"Sohetookagunandwentandcollectedthreelargemelonsformybrother—on—the—

halfshell，andoneover。Iwasgreatlypleasedandasked：

"Whogetstheextraone？"

"Widowsandorphans。"

"Agoodidea，too。Whydidn’tyoutakethirteen？"

"Itwouldhavebeenwrong；acrime，，infact—theftandextortion。"

"Whatistheone—thirdextra——theoddmelon——thesame？"

Itcausedhimtoreflect。Buttherewasnoresult。

Thejusticeofthepeacewasasternman。Onthetrialhefoundfaultwiththeschemeandrequiredustoexplainuponwhatwebasedourstrangeconduct——ashecalledit。Theunderstudysaid：

"Onthecustomoftheniggers。Theyalldoit。"——[ThepointhadbeenmadebytheboardthatitwastheChinesecustomtomaketheinhabitantsofavillageresponsibleforindividualcrimes；andcustom，likewise，tocollectathirdinexcessofthedamage，suchsurplushavingbeenappliedtothesupportofwidowsandorphansoftheslainconverts。]

Thejusticeforgothisdignityanddescendedtosarcasm。

"Customoftheniggers！Areourmoralssoinadequatethatwehavetoborrowofniggers？"

Thenhesaidtothejury："Threemelonswereowing；theywerecollectedfrompersonsnotproventoowethem：thisistheft；theywerecollectedbycompulsion：thisisextortion。Amelonwasaddedforthewidowsandorphans。Itwasowedbynoone。Itisanothertheft，anotherextortion。Returnitwhenceitcame，withtheothers。Itisnotpermissibleheretoapplytoanypurposegoodsdishonestlyobtained；noteventothefeedingofwidowsandorphans，forthiswouldbetoputashameuponcharityanddishonorit。"

Hesaiditinopencourt，beforeeverybody，andtomeitdidnotseemverykind。

ItwasinthemidstofthetumultthatClemens，perhapsfeelingtheneedofsacredmelody，wrotetoAndrewCarnegie：

DEARSIR&FRIEND，——Youseemtobeinprosperity。Couldyoulendanadmirer$1。50tobuyahymn—bookwith？Godwillblessyou。Ifeelit；

Iknowit。

N。B。——Ifthereshouldbeotherapplications，thisonenottocount。

Yours，MARK。

P。S。—Don’tsendthehymn—book；sendthemoney；Iwanttomaketheselectionmyself。

Carnegieanswered：

Nothinglessthanatwo—dollar&ahalfhymn—bookgiltwilldoforyou。Yourplaceinthechoir(celestial)demandsthat&youshallhaveit。

There’sanewGospelofSaintMarkintheNorthAmericanwhichI

likebetterthananythingI’vereadformanyaday。

Iamwillingtoborrowathousanddollarstodistributethatsacredmessageinproperform，&iftheauthordon’tobjectmayIsendthatsum，whenIcanraiseit，totheAnti—ImperialistLeague，Boston，towhichIamacontributor，theonlymissionaryworkIamresponsiblefor。

Justtellmeyouarewilling&manythousandsoftheholylittlemissalswillgoforth。Thisinimitablesatireistobecomeaclassic。IcountamongmyprivilegesinlifethatIknowyou，theauthor。

PerhapsafewmoreofthelettersinvitedbyMarkTwain’scriticismofmissionaryworkinChinamaystillbeofinteresttothereader：

FrederickT。Cook，oftheHospitalSaturdayandSundayAssociation，wrote："IhailyouastheVoltaireofAmerica，。Itisanobledistinction。Godblessyouandseethatyouwearynotinwell—doinginthisnoblest，sublimestofcrusades。"

Ministerswerebynomeansallagainsthim。TheassociatepastoroftheEvery—dayChurch，inBoston，sentthisline："IwanttothankyouforyourmatchlessarticleinthecurrentNorthAmerican。Itmustmakeconvertsofwell—nighallwhoreadit。"

ButaBostonschool—teacherwasangry。"IhavebeenreadingtheNorthAmerican，"shewrote，"andIamfilledwithshameandremorsethatIhavedreamedofaskingyoutocometoBostontotalktotheteachers。"

OntheoutsideoftheenvelopeClemensmadethispencilnote：

"Now，IsupposeIoffendedthatyoungladybyhavinganopinionofmyown，insteadofwaitingandcopyinghers。Ineverthought。Isupposeshemustbeasmuchastwenty—five，andprobablytheonlypatriotinthecountry。"

Acriticwithasenseofhumorasked："Pleaseexcuseseemingimpertinence，butwereyoueveradjudgedinsane？Behonest。HowmuchmoneydoesthedevilgiveyouforarraigningChristianityandmissionarycauses？"

Butthereweremoreofthebettersort。E