第20章

reachedthetop；andhaltedtolookaboutmewell，beforetrustingtobroaddaylight。

Thewinter(asIsaidbefore)hadbeenaverymildone；

andnowthespringwastowardsothatbankandbushweretouchedwithit。ThevalleyintowhichIgazedwasfairwithearlypromise，havingshelterfromthewindandtakingallthesunshine。Thewillow-bushesoverthestreamhungasiftheywereanglingwithtasseledfloatsofgoldandsilver，burstinglikeabean-pod。Betweenthemcamethewaterlaughing，likeamaidatherowndancing，andspreadwiththatyoungbluewhichneverlivesbeyondtheApril。Andoneitherbank，themeadowruffledasthebreezecameby，opening(throughnewtuft，ofgreen)daisy-budorcelandine，orashyglimpsenowandthenofthelove-lornprimrose。

ThoughIamsoblankofwit，orperhapsforthatsamereason，theselittlethingscomeanddwellwithme，andIamhappyaboutthem，andlongfornothingbetter。I

feelwitheverybladeofgrass，asifithadahistory；

andmakeachildofeverybudasthoughitknewandlovedme。Andbeingso，theyseemtotellmeofmyowndelusions，howIamnomorethanthey，exceptinself-

importance。

WhileIwasforgettingmuchofmanythingsthatharmone，andlettingofmythoughtsgowildtosoundsandsightsofnature，asweeternotethanthrushorouzeleverwooedamatein，floatedonthevalleybreezeatthequietturnofsundown。Thewordswereofanancientsong，fittolaughorcryat。

Love，aniftherebeone，Comemylovetobe，MyloveisfortheoneLovinguntome。

Notformetheshow，love，Ofagildedbliss；

Onlythoumustknow，love，Whatmyvalueis。

Ifinalltheearth，love，Thouhastnonebutme，Thisshallbemyworth，love：

Tobecheaptothee。

But，ifsothoueverStrivesttobefree，’TwillbemyendeavourTobedeartothee。

SoshallIhaveplea，love，IsthyheartandbreathClingingstilltothee，love，Inthedoomofdeath。

AllthisItookinwithgreateagerness，notforthesakeofthemeaning(whichisnodoubtanallegory)，butforthepowerandrichness，andsoftnessofthesinging，whichseemedtomebetterthanweeverhadeveninOarechurch。ButallthetimeIkeptmyselfinablacknicheoftherock，wherethefallofthewaterbegan，lestthesweetsinger(espyingme)shouldbealarmed，andfleeaway。ButpresentlyIventuredtolookforthwhereabushwas；andthenIbeheldtheloveliestsight——oneglimpseofwhichwasenoughtomakemekneelinthecoldestwater。

Bythesideofthestreamshewascomingtome，evenamongtheprimroses，asifshelovedthemall；andeveryflowerlookedthebrighter，ashereyeswereonthem，Icouldnotseewhatherfacewas，myheartsoawokeandtrembled；onlythatherhairwasflowingfromawreathofwhiteviolets，andthegraceofhercomingwasliketheappearanceofthefirstwind-flower。Thepalegleamoverthewesterncliffsthrewashadowoflightbehindher，asifthesunwerelingering。NeverdoIseethatlightfromtheclosingofthewest，eveninthesemyageddays，withoutthinkingofher。Ahme，ifitcomestothat，whatdoIseeofearthorheaven，withoutthinkingofher？

Thetremulousthrillofhersongwashangingonheropenlips；andsheglancedaround，asifthebirdswereaccustomedtomakeanswer。Tomeitwasathingofterrortobeholdsuchbeauty，andfeelmyselfthewhiletobesoverylowandcommon。ButscarcelyknowingwhatIdid，asifaropeweredrawingme，Icamefromthedarkmouthofthechasm；andstood，afraidtolookather。

Shewasturningtofly，notknowingme，andfrightened，perhaps，atmystature，whenIfellonthegrass(asI

fellbeforehersevenyearsagonethatday)，andIjustsaid，’LornaDoone!’

Sheknewmeatonce，frommymannerandways，andasmilebrokethroughhertrembling，assunshinecomesthroughaspen-leaves；andbeingsoclever，shesaw，ofcourse，thatsheneedednottofearme。

’Oh，indeed，’shecried，withafeintofanger(becauseshehadshownhercowardice，andyetinherheartshewaslaughing)；’oh，ifyouplease，whoareyou，sir，andhowdoyouknowmyname？’

’IamJohnRidd，’Ianswered；’theboywhogaveyouthosebeautifulfish，whenyouwereonlyalittlething，sevenyearsagoto-day。’

’Yes，thepoorboywhowasfrightenedso，andobligedtohidehereinthewater。’

’Anddoyourememberhowkindyouwere，andsavedmylifebyyourquickness，andwentawayridinguponagreatman’sshoulder，asifyouhadneverseenme，andyetlookedbackthroughthewillow-trees？’

’Oh，yes，Iremembereverything；becauseitwassoraretoseeanyexcept——ImeanbecauseIhappentoremember。

Butyouseemnottoremember，sir，howperilousthisplaceis。’

Forshehadkepthereyesuponme；largeeyesofasoftness，abrightness，andadignitywhichmademefeelasifImustforeverloveandyetforeverknowmyselfunworthy。Unlessthemselvesshouldfillwithlove，whichisthespringofallthings。AndsoI

couldnotanswerher，butwasovercomewiththinkingandfeelingandconfusion。NeithercouldIlookagain；

onlywaitedforthemelodywhichmadeeverywordlikeapoemtome，themelodyofhervoice。Butshehadnottheleastideaofwhatwasgoingonwithme，anymorethanImyselfhad。

’Ithink，MasterRidd，youcannotknow，’shesaid，withhereyestakenfromme，’whatthedangersofthisplaceare，andthenatureofthepeople。’

’Yes，Iknowenoughofthat；andIamfrightenedgreatly，allthetime，whenIdonotlookatyou。’

Shewastooyoungtoanswermeinthestylesomemaidenswouldhaveused；themanner，Imean，whichnowwecallfromaforeignword’coquettish。’Andmorethanthat，shewastremblingfromrealfearofviolence，leststronghandsmightbelaidonme，andamiserableendofit。Andtotellthetruth，Igrewafraid；

perhapsfromakindofsympathy，andbecauseIknewthatevilcomesmorereadilythangoodtous。

Therefore，withoutmoreado，ortakinganyadvantage——althoughIwouldhavebeengladatheart，ifneedshadbeen，tokissher(withoutanythoughtofrudeness)——itstruckmethatIhadbettergo，andhavenomoretosaytoheruntilnexttimeofcoming。Sowouldshelookthemoreformeandthinkthemoreaboutme，andnotgrowwearyofmywordsandthewantofchangethereisinme。For，ofcourse，IknewwhatachurlIwascomparedtoherbirthandappearance；butmeanwhileImightimprovemyselfandlearnamusicalinstrument。’Thewindhathadrawafterflyingstraw’

isasayingwehaveinDevonshire，made，peradventure，bysomebodywhohadseenthewaysofwomen。

’MistressLorna，Iwilldepart’——markyou，Ithoughtthatapowerfulword——’infearofcausingdisquiet。Ifanyrogueshotmeitwouldgrieveyou；Imakeboldtosayit，anditwouldbethedeathofmother。Fewmothershavesuchasonasme。Trytothinkofmenowandthen，andIwillbringyousomenew-laideggs，forouryoungbluehenisbeginning。’

’Ithankyouheartily，’saidLorna；’butyouneednotcometoseeme。Youcanputtheminmylittlebower，whereIamalmostalways——ImeanwhitherdailyIrepairtoreadandtobeawayfromthem。’

’Onlyshowmewhereitis。ThriceadayIwillcomeandstop——’

’Nay，MasterRidd，Iwouldnevershowthee——never，becauseofperil——onlythatsohappensitthouhastfoundthewayalready。’

Andshesmiledwithalightthatmademecaretocryoutfornootherway，excepttoherdearheart。ButonlytomyselfIcriedforanythingatall，havingenoughofmaninmetobebashfulwithyoungmaidens。

SoItouchedherwhitehandsoftlywhenshegaveittome，and(fancyingthatshehadsighed)wastouchedatheartaboutit，andresolvedtoyieldherallmygoods，althoughmymotherwasliving；andthengrewangrywithmyself(foramileormoreofwalking)tothinkshewouldcondescendso；andthen，fortherestofthehomewardroad，wasmadwitheverymanintheworldwhowoulddaretothinkofhavingher。

Toforgetone’sluckoflife，toforgetthecarkofcareandwitheringofyoungfingers；nottofeel，ornotbemovedby，allthechangeofthoughtandheart，fromlargeyoungheattothesinewylinesanddrybonesofoldage——thisiswhatIhavetodoereeverIcanmakeyouknow(evenasadreamisknown)howIlovedmyLorna。Imyselfcanneverknow；nevercanconceive，ortreatitasathingofreason，nevercanbeholdmyselfdwellinginthemidstofit，andthinkthatthiswasI；

neithercanIwanderfarfromperpetualthoughtofit。

PerhapsIhavetwofarrowsofpigsreadyforthechapman；perhapsIhavetenstonesofwoolwaitingforthefactor。Itisallthesame。Ilookatboth，andwhatIsaytomyselfisthis：’WhichwouldLornachooseofthem？’Ofcourse，Iamafoolforthis；anymanmaycallmeso，andIwillnotquarrelwithhim，unlessheguessmysecret。Ofcourse，Ifetchmywit，ifitbeworththefetching，backagaintobusiness。Buttheremyheartisandmustbe；andallwholiketotrycancheatme，exceptuponparishmatters。

ThatweekIcoulddolittlemorethandreamanddreamandroveabout，seekingbyperpetualchangetofindthewaybacktomyself。Icarednotforthepeopleroundme，neithertookdelightinvictuals；butmadebelievetoeatanddrinkandblushedatanyquestions。Andbeingcalledthemasternow，head-farmer，andchiefyeoman，itirkedmemuchthatanyoneshouldtakeadvantageofme；yeteverybodydidsoassoonaseveritwasknownthatmywitsweregonemoon-raking。Forthatwasthewaytheylookedatit，notbeingabletocomprehendthegreatnessandtheloftiness。NeitherdoIblamethemmuch；forthewisestthingistolaughatpeoplewhenwecannotunderstandthem。I，formypart，tooknonotice；butinmyheartdespisedthemasbeingsofalessernature，whoneverhadseenLorna。YetI

wasvexed，andrubbedmyself，whenJohnFryspreadalloverthefarm，andevenattheshoeingforge，thatamaddoghadcomeandbittenme，fromtheothersideofMallond。

Thisseemslittletomenow；andsoitmighttoanyone；but，atthetime，itworkedmeuptoafeverofindignity。TomakeamaddogofLorna，tocompareallmyimaginings(whichwerestrange，Idoassureyou——thefacultynotbeingapttowork)，tocounttheraisingofmysoulnomorethanhydrophobia!Allthisactedonmeso，thatIgaveJohnFrythesoundestthreshingthateverasheafofgoodcorndeserved，orabundleoftareswasblessedwith。Afterwardshewenthome，tootiredtotellhiswifethemeaningofit；butitprovedofservicetobothofthem，andanexamplefortheirchildren。

Nowtheclimateofthiscountryis——sofarasIcanmakeofit——tothrownomanintoextremes；andifhethrowhimselfsofar，topluckhimbackbychangeofweatherandtheneedoflookingafterthings。LestweshouldbeliketheSoutherns，forwhomtheskydoeseverything，andmensitunderawallandwatchbothfoodandfruitcomebeckoning。Theirskyisamothertothem；butoursagoodstepmothertous——fearingtohurtbyindulgence，andknowingthatseverityandchangeofmoodarewholesome。

Thespringbeingnowtooforward，achecktoitwasneedful；andintheearlypartofMarchtherecameachangeofweather。Alltheyounggrowthwasarrestedbyadrywindfromtheeast，whichmadebothfaceandfingersburnwhenamanwasdoingditching。Thelilacsandthewoodbines，justcrowdingforthinlittletufts，closekernellingtheirblossom，wereruffledback，likeasleeveturnedup，andnickedwithbrownatthecorners。Inthehedgesanyman，unlesshiseyeswereverydull，couldseethemischiefdoing。Therussetoftheyoungelm-bloomwasfaintobeinitsscaleagain；buthavingpushedforth，theremustbe，andturntoatawnycolour。Thehangersofthehazel，too，havingshedtheirdusttomakethenuts，didnotspreadtheirlittlecombsanddrythem，astheyoughttodo；butshrivelledatthebaseandfell，asifaknifehadcutthem。Andmorethanalltonoticewas(atleastaboutthehedges)theshudderingofeverythingandtheshiveringsoundamongthemtowardthefeeblesun；suchaswemaketoapoorfireplacewhenseveraldoorsareopen。SometimesIputmyfacetowarmagainstthesoft，roughmaple-stem，whichfeelslikethefootofareddeer；butthepitilesseastwindcamethroughall，andtookandshookthecavedhedgeabacktillitskneeswereknockingtogether，andnothingcouldbeshelter。Thenwouldanyonehavingblood，andtryingtokeepathomewithit，runtoasturdytreeandhopetoeathisfoodbehindit，andlookforalittlesuntocomeandwarmhisfeetintheshelter。Andifitdidhemightstrikehisbreast，andtrytothinkhewaswarmer。