第61章

AndatlastIcouldholdoutnolongeragainsttheseaccumulatingpressures。

Itookanarrogant，outrageouslinethatlefthernoloopholes；I

behavedasthoughwewerelivinginamelodrama。

“Youmustcomeandtalktome。”Iwrote，“orIwillcomeandtakeyou。Iwantyou——andthetimerunsaway。”

Wemetinarideintheupperplantations。ItmusthavebeenearlyinJanuary，fortherewassnowonthegroundandonthebranchesofthetrees。Wewalkedtoandfroforanhourormore，andfromthefirstIpitchedthekeyhighinromanceandmadeunderstandingsimpossible。Itwasourworsttimetogether。I

boastedlikeanactor，andshe，Iknownotwhy，wastiredandspiritless。

NowIthinkoverthattalkinthelightofallthathashappenedsince，IcanimaginehowshecametomefullofahumanappealI

wastoofoolishtolethermake。Idon’tknow。IconfessIhavenevercompletelyunderstoodBeatrice。IconfessIamstillperplexedatmanythingsshesaidanddid。Thatafternoon，anyhow，Iwasimpossible。Iposedandscolded。Iwas——Isaidit——for“takingtheUniversebythethroat！”

“Ifitwasonlythat。”shesaid，butthoughIheard，Ididnotheedher。

Atlastshegavewaytomeandtalkednomore。Insteadshelookedatme——asathingbeyondhercontrolling，butnonethelessinteresting——muchasshehadlookedatmefrombehindtheskirtsofLadyDrewintheWarrenwhenwewerechildrentogether。

OnceevenIthoughtshesmiledfaintly。

“Whatarethedifficulties“Icried。“there’snodifficultyI

willnotovercomeforyou！DoyourpeoplethinkI’mnoequalforyou？Whosaysit？Mydear，tellmetowinatitle！I’lldoitinfiveyears！。

“HereamIjustgrownamanatthesightofyou。Ihavewantedsomethingtofightfor。Letmefightforyou！。

“I’mrichwithoutintendingit。Letmemeanit，givemeanhonourableexcuseforit，andI’llputallthisrottenoldWarrenofEnglandatyourfeet！”

Isaidsuchthingsasthat。Iwritethemdownhereinalltheirresoundingbasepride。Isaidtheseemptyandfoolishthings，andtheyarepartofme。WhyshouldIstillclingtoprideandbeashamed？Ishoutedherdown。

Ipassedfromsuchmegalomaniatopettyaccusations。

“YouthinkCarnabyisabettermanthanI？”Isaid。

“No！”shecried，stungtospeech。“No！”

“Youthinkwe’reunsubstantial。You’velistenedtoalltheserumoursBoomhasstartedbecausewetalkedofanewspaperofourown。WhenyouarewithmeyouknowI’maman；whenyougetawayfrommeyouthinkI’macheatandacad。There’snotawordoftruthinthethingstheysayaboutus。I’vebeenslack。I’veleftthings。Butwehaveonlytoexertourselves。Youdonotknowhowwideandfarwehavespreadournets。Evennowwehaveacoup——anexpedition——inhand。Itwillputusonafooting。”。

HereyesaskedmutelyandaskedinvainthatIwouldceasetoboastoftheveryqualitiessheadmiredinme。

InthenightIcouldnotsleepforthinkingofthattal