第39章

Ihardenedmyheart，orIcouldnothavegone。ForatthelastitcametoMarionthatshewaspartingfrommeforever。Thatoverboreallotherthings，hadturnedourlasthourtoanguish。

Sheforgotforatimetheprospectofmovingintoanewhouse，sheforgottheoutrageonherproprietorshipandpride。Forthefirsttimeinherlifeshereallyshowedstrongemotionsinregardtome，forthefirsttime，perhaps，theyreallycametoher。Shebegantoweepslow，reluctanttears。Icameintoherroom，andfoundherasprawlonthebed，weeping。

“Ididn’tknow。”shecried。“Oh！Ididn’tunderstand！”

“I’vebeenafool。Allmylifeisawreck！

“Ishallbealone！。MUTNEY！Mutney，don’tleaveme！Oh！

Mutney！Ididn’tunderstand。”

Ihadtohardenmyheartindeed，foritseemedtomeatmomentsinthoselasthourstogetherthatatlast，toolate，thelonged-forthinghadhappenedandMarionhadcomealive。A

new-bornhungerformelithereyes。

“Don’tleaveme！”shesaid，“don’tleaveme！”Sheclungtome；

shekissedmewithtear-saltlips。

Iwaspromisednowandpledged，andIhardenedmyheartagainstthisimpossibledawn。Yetitseemstomethatthereweremomentswhenitneededbutacry，butonewordtohaveunitedusagainforallourlives。Couldwehaveunitedagain？Wouldthatpassagehaveenlightenedusforeverorshouldwehavefallenbackinaweekorsointotheoldestrangement，theoldtemperamentalopposition？

Ofthatthereisnownotelling。Ourownresolvecarriedusonourpredestinedway。Webehavedmoreandmorelikeseparatinglovers，partinginexorably，butallthepreparationswehadsetgoingworkedonlikeamachine，andwemadenoattempttostopthem。Mytrunksandboxeswenttothestation。IpackedmybagwithMarionstandingbeforeme。Wewerelikechildrenwhohadhurteachotherhorriblyinsheerstupidity，whodidn’tknownowhowtoremedyit。Webelongedtoeachotherimmensely——immensely。Thecabcametothelittleirongate。

“Good-bye！”Isaid。

“Good-bye。”

Foramomentweheldoneanotherineachother’sarmsandkissed——incrediblywithoutmalice。Weheardourlittleservantinthepassagegoingtoopenthedoor。Forthelasttimewepressedourselvestooneanother。Wewerenotloversnorenemies，buttwohumansoulsinafrankcommunityofpain。I

toremyselffromher。

“Goaway。”Isaidtotheservant，seeingthatMarionhadfollowedmedown。

IfeltherstandingbehindmeasIspoketothecabman。

Igotintothecab，resolutelynotlookingback，andthenasitstartedjumpedup，cranedoutandlookedatthedoor。

Itwaswideopen，butshehaddisappeared。

Iwonder——Isupposesheranupstairs。

SoIpartedfromMarionatanextremityofperturbationandregret，andwent，asIhadpromisedandarranged，toEffie，whowaswaitingformeinapartmentsnearOrpington。Irememberheruponthestationplatform，abright，flittingfigurelookingalongthetrainforme，andourwalkoverthefieldsinthetwilight。Ihadexpectedanimmensesenseofreliefwhereatlastthestressesofseparationwereover，butnowIfoundIwasbeyondmeasurewretchedandperplexed，fulloftheprofoundestpersuasionofirreparableerror。TheduskandsomberMarionweresoalike，hersorrowseemedtobeallaboutme。Ihadtoholdmyselftomyownplans，torememberthatImustkeepfaithwithEffie，withEffiewhohadmadenoterms，exactednoguarantees，butflungherselfintomyhands。

Wewentacrosstheeveningfieldsinsilence，towardsaskyofdeepeninggoldandpurple，andEffiewasclosebesidemealways，veryclose，glancingupeverandagainatmyface。

CertainlysheknewIgrievedforMarion，thatourswasnownojoyfulreunion。Butsheshowednoresentmentandnojealousy。

Extraordinarily，shedidnotcompeteagainstMarion。NeveronceinallourtimetogetherdidshesayanadversewordofMarion。

Shesetherselfpresentlytodispeltheshadowthatbroodedovermewiththesameinstinctiveskillthatsomewomenwillshowwiththetroubleofachild。Shemadeherselfmygladandprettyslaveandhandmaid；sheforcedmeatlasttorejoiceinher。YetatthebackofitallMarionremained，stupidandtearfulandinfinitelydistressful，sothatIwasalmostintolerablyunhappyforher——forherandthedeadbodyofmymarriedlove。

Itisall，asItellitnow，unaccountabletome。Igobackintotheseremoteparts，theserarelyvisiteduplandsandlonelytaresofmemory，anditseemstomestillastrangecountry。IhadthoughtImightbegoingtosomesensuousparadisewithEffie，butdesirewhichfillstheuniversebeforeitssatisfaction，vanishesutterlylikethegoingofdaylight——withachievement。

Allthefactsandformsofliferemaindarklingandcold。Itwasanuplandofmelancholyquestionings，aregionfromwhichIsawalltheworldatnewanglesandinnewaspects；Ihadoutflankedpassionandromance。

Ihadcomeintoaconditionofvastperplexities。Forthefirsttimeinmylife，atleastsoitseemstomenowinthisretrospect，Ilookedatmyexistenceasawhole。

Sincethiswasnothing，whatwasIdoing？WhatwasIfor？

IwasgoingtoandfroaboutTono-Bungay——thebusinessIhadtakenuptosecureMarionandwhichheldmenowinspiteofourintimateseparation——andsnatchingoddweek-endsandnightsforOrpington，andallthewhileIstruggledwiththeseobstinateinterrogations。Iusedtofallintomusinginthetrains，I

becameevenalittleinaccurateandforgetfulaboutbusinessthings。IhavetheclearestmemoryofmyselfsittingthoughtfulintheeveningsunlightonagrassyhillsidethatlookedtowardSevenOaksandcommandedawidesweepofcountry，andthatIwasthinkingoutmydestiny。Icouldalmostwritemythoughtdownnow，Ibelieve，astheycametomethatafternoon。Effie，restlesslittlecockneythatshewas，rustledandstruggledinahedgerowbelow，gatheringflowers，discoveringflowersshehadneverseenbefore。Ihad。Iremember，aletterfromMarioninmypocket。Ihadevenmadesometentativesforreturn，forareconciliation；HeavenknowsnowhowIhadputit！buthercold，ill-writtenletterrepelledme。Iperceive