第36章

Idostillrecallastheworstandmostdisastrousaspectofallthattime，herabsolutedisregardofherownbeauty。It’sthepettiestthingtorecord，Iknow，butshecouldwearcurl-papersinmypresence。Itwasheridea，too，to“wearout“heroldclothesandherfailuresathomewhen“noonewaslikelytoseeher“——“noone“beingmyself。Sheallowedmetoaccumulateastoreofungraciousandslovenlymemories。

Allourconceptionsoflifediffered。Irememberhowwedifferedaboutfurniture。WespentthreeorfourdaysinTottenhamCourtRoad，andshechosethethingsshefanciedwithaninexorableresolution，——sweepingasidemysuggestionswith——“Oh，YOUwantsuchqueerthings。”Shepursuedsomelimited，clearlyseenandexperiencedideal——thatexcludedallotherpossibilities。Overeverymantelwasamirrorthatwasdraped，oursideboardwaswonderfullygoodandsplendidwithbeveledglass，wehadlampsonlongmetalstalksandcozycornersandplantsingrog-tubs。

Smithieapproveditall。Therewasn’taplacewhereonecouldsitandreadinthewholehouse。Mybookswentuponshelvesinthedining-roomrecess。AndwehadapianothoughMarion’splayingwasatanelementarylevel。

Youknow，itwasthecruelestluckforMarionthatI，withmyrestlessness，myscepticism，myconstantlydevelopingideas，hadinsistedonmarriagewithher。Shehadnofacultyofgrowthorchange；shehadtakenhermould，shehadsetinthelimitedideasofherpeculiarclass。Shepreservedherconceptionofwhatwasrightindrawing-roomchairsandinmarriageceremonialandineveryrelationoflifewithasimpleandluminoushonestyandconviction，withanimmenseunimaginativeinflexibility——asatailor-birdbuildsitsnestorabeavermakesitsdam。

Letmehastenoverthishistoryofdisappointmentsandseparation。Imighttellofwaxingsandwaningoflovebetweenus，butthewholewaswaning。Sometimesshewoulddothingsforme，makemeatieorapairofslippers，andfillmewithnonethelessgratitudebecausethethingswereabsurd。Sheranourhomeandouroneservantwithahard，brightefficiency。Shewasinordinatelyproudofhouseandgarden。Always，byherlights，shedidherdutybyme。

PresentlytherapiddevelopmentofTono-Bungaybegantotakemeintotheprovinces，andIwouldbeawaysometimesforaweektogether。Thisshedidnotlike；itlefther“dull。”shesaid，butafteratimeshebegantogotoSmithie’sagainandtodevelopanindependenceofme。AtSmithie’sshewasnowawomanwithaposition；shehadmoneytospend。ShewouldtakeSmithietotheatresandouttolunchandtalkinterminablyofthebusiness，andSmithiebecameasortofpermanentweekenderwithus。AlsoMariongotaspanielandbegantodabblewiththeminorarts，withpoker-workandaKodakandhyacinthsinglasses。Shecalledonceonaneighbour。HerparentsleftWalhamGreen——herfatherseveredhisconnectionwiththegas-works——andcametoliveinasmallhouseItookforthemnearus，andtheyweremuchwithus。

Oddthelittlenessofthethingsthatexasperatewhenthefountainsoflifeareembittered！Myfather-in-lawwasperpetuallycatchingmeinmoodymomentsandurgingmetotaketogardening。Heirritatedmebeyondmeasure。

“Youthinktoomuch。”hewouldsay。“Ifyouwastoletinabitwithaspade，youmightsoon’avethatgardenofyoursaVisionofFlowers。That’sbetterthanthinking，George。”

Orinatorrentofexasperation，“ICARN’Tthink，