第38章

Thenpresentlyweresumedourmonstrous，momentousdialogue。I

can’tnowmakeouthowlongthatdialoguewenton。Itspreaditself，Iknow，inheavyfragmentsovereitherthreedaysorfour。IremembermyselfgroupedwithMarion，talkingsittingonourbedinherroom，talkingstandinginourdining-room，savingthisthingorthat。Twicewewentforlongwalks。Andwehadalongeveningalonetogether，withjadednervesandheartsthatfluctuatedbetweenahardanddrearyrecognitionoffactsand，onmypartatleast，astrangeunwontedtenderness；becauseinsomeextraordinarywaythiscrisishaddestroyedourmutualapathyandmadeusfeeloneanotheragain。

Itwasadialoguethathaddiscrepantpartsthatfellintolumpsoftalkthatfailedtojoinontotheirpredecessors，thatbeganagainatadifferentlevel，higherorlower，thatassumednewaspectsintheintervalsandassimilatednewconsiderations。Wediscussedthefactthatwetwowerenolongerlovers；neverbeforehadwefacedthat。Itseemsastrangethingtowrite，butasIlookback，IseeclearlythatthoseseveraldayswerethetimewhenMarionandIwereclosesttogether，lookedforthefirstandlasttimefaithfullyandsteadfastlyintoeachother’ssoul。Forthosedaysonly，therewerenopretences，Imadenoconcessionstohernorshetome；weconcealednothing，exaggeratednothing。Wehaddonewithpretending。Wehaditoutplainlyandsoberlywitheachother。Moodfollowedmoodandgotitsstarkexpression。

Ofcoursetherewasquarrelingbetweenus，bitterquarreling，andwesaidthingstooneanother——longpent-upthingsthatbruisedandcrushedandcut。Butoveritallinmymemorynowisaneffectofdeliberateconfrontation，andthefigureofMarionstandsup，pale，melancholy，tear-stained，injured，implacableanddignified。

“Youloveher？”sheaskedonce，andjerkedthatdoubtintomymind。

Istruggledwithtangledideasandemotions。“Idon’tknowwhatloveis。It’sallsortsofthings——it’smadeofadozenstrandstwistedinathousandways。”

“Butyouwanther？Youwanthernow——whenyouthinkofher？”

“Yes。”Ireflected。“Iwanther——rightenough。”

“Andme？WheredoIcomein？”

“Isupposeyoucomeinhere。”

“Well，butwhatareyougoingtodo？”

“Do！”Isaidwiththeexasperationofthesituationgrowinguponme。“Whatdoyouwantmetodo？”

AsIlookbackuponallthattime——acrossagulfoffifteenactiveyears——IfindIseeitwithanunderstandingjudgment。I

seeitasifitwerethebusinessofsomeoneelse——indeedoftwootherpeople——intimatelyknownyetjudgedwithoutpassion。Iseenowthatthisshock，thissuddenimmensedisillusionment，didinrealfac