第20章

IfIidledforaday，nooneexceptmyfellow-students(whoevidentlyhadnoaweforme)remarkedit。Noonesawmymidnighttaper；noonepointedmeoutasIcrossedthestreetasanastonishingintellectualphenomenon。InthenextplaceIbecameinconsiderable。InWimblehurstIfeltIstoodforScience；

nobodythereseemedtohavesomuchasIandtohaveitsofullyandcompletely。InLondonIwalkedignorantinanimmensity，anditwasclearthatamongmyfellow-studentsfromthemidlandsandthenorthIwasill-equippedandunder-trained。WiththeutmostexertionIshouldonlytakeasecondarypositionamongthem。Andfinally，inthethirdplace，Iwasdistractedbyvoluminousnewinterests；Londontookholdofme，andScience，whichhadbeentheuniverse，shrankbacktothedimensionsoftiresomelittleformulaecompactedinabook。IcametoLondoninlateSeptember，anditwasaverydifferentLondonfromthatgreatgreyly-overcast，smoke-stainedhouse-wildernessofmyfirstimpressions。IreacheditbyVictoriaandnotbyCannonStreet，anditscentrewasnowinExhibitionRoad。Itshone，paleamber，blue-greyandtenderlyspaciousandfineunderclearautumnalskies。aLondonofhugelyhandsomebuildingsandvistasanddistances，aLondonofgardensandlabyrinthinetallmuseums，ofoldtreesandremotepalacesandartificialwaters。IlodgednearbyinWestBromptonatahouseinalittlesquare。

SoLondonfacedmethesecondtime，makingmeforgetaltogetherforawhilethegrey，drizzlingcityvisagethathadfirstlookeduponme。Isettleddownandwenttoandfrotomylecturesandlaboratory；inthebeginningIworkedhard，andonlyslowlydidthecuriositythatpresentlypossessedmetoknowmoreofthishugeurbanprovincearise，thedesiretofindsomethingbeyondmechanismthatIcouldserve，someuseotherthanlearning。Withthiswasagrowingsenseofloneliness，adesireforadventureandintercourse。IfoundmyselfintheeveningsporingoveramapofLondonIhadbought，insteadofcopyingoutlecturenotes——andonSundaysImadeexplorations，takingomnibusrideseastandwestandnorthandsouth，andtoenlargingandbroadeningthesenseofgreatswarminghinterlandsofhumanitywithwhomIhadnodealings，ofwhomIknewnothing。

Thewholeillimitableplaceteemedwithsuggestionsofindefiniteandsometimesoutrageouspossibility，ofhiddenbutmagnificentmeanings。

Itwasn’tsimplythatIreceivedavastimpressionofspaceandmultitudeandopportunity；intimatethingsalsoweresuddenlydraggedfromneglected，veiledanddarkenedcornersintoanacutevividnessofperception。CloseathandinthebigartmuseumI

cameforthefirsttimeuponthebeautyofnudity，whichIhadhithertoheldtobeashamefulsecret，flauntedandgloriedin；I

wasmadeawareofbeautyasnotonlypermissible，butdesirableandfrequentandofathousandhithertounsuspectedrichaspectsoflife。Onenightinarealrapture，IwalkedroundtheuppergalleryoftheAlbertHallandlistenedforthefirsttimetogreatmusic；IbelievenowthatitwasarenderingofBeethoven’sNinthSymphony。

Myapprehensionofspacesandplaceswasreinforcedbyaquickenedapprehensionofpersons。Aconstantstreamofpeoplepassedbyme，eyesmetandchallengedmineandpassed——moreandmoreIwantedthentostay——ifIwenteastwardtowardsPiccadilly，womenwhoseemedthentomyboyishinexperiencesoftlysplendidandalluring，murmuredtomeastheypassed。

Extraordinarilylifeunveiled。Theveryhoardingsclamouredstrangelyatone’ssensesandcuriosities。Oneboughtpamphletsandpapersfullofstrangeanddaringideastranscendingone’sboldest；intheparksoneheardmendiscussingtheveryexistenceofGod，denyingtherightsofproperty，debatingahundredthingsthatonedarednotthinkaboutinWimblehurst。Andaftertheordinaryovercastday，afterdullmornings，cametwilight，andLondonlitupandbecameathingofwhiteandyellowandredjewelsoflightandwonderfulfloodsofgoldenilluminationandstupendousandunfathomableshadows——andtherewerenolongeranymeanorshabbypeople——butagreatmysteriousmovementofunaccountablebeings。

AlwaysIwascomingonthequeerestnewaspects。LateoneSaturdaynightIfoundmyselfoneofagreatslow-movingcrowdbetweentheblazingshopsandtheflaringbarrowsintheHarrowRoad；Igotintoconversationwithtwobold-eyedgirls，boughtthemboxesofchocolate，madetheacquaintanceoffatherandmotherandvariousyoungerbrothersandsisters，satinapublic-househilariouslywiththemall，standingandbeingstooddrinks，andlefttheminthesmallhoursatthedoorof“home。”

nevertoseethemagain。AndonceIwasaccostedontheoutskirtsofaSalvationArmymeetinginoneoftheparksbyasilk-hattedyoungmanofeagerandseriousdiscourse，whoarguedagainstscepticismwithme，invitedmehometoteaintoacleanandcheerfulfamilyofbrothersandsistersandfriends，andthereIspenttheeveningsinginghymnstotheharmonium(whichremindedmeofhalf-forgottenChatham)，andwishingallthesisterswerenotsoobviouslyengaged。

Thenontheremotehillofthisboundlesscity-worldIfoundEwart。

HowwellIrememberthefirstmorning，abrightSundaymorninginearlyOctober，whenIraidedinuponEwart！Ifoundmyoldschoolfellowinbedinaroomoveranoil-shopinabackstreetatthefootofHighgateHill。Hislandlady，apleasant，dirtyyoungwomanwithsoft-browneyes，broughtdownhismessageformetocomeup；andupIwent。Theroompresenteditselfasampleandinterestingindetailandshabbywithaquitecommendableshabbiness。Ihadanimpressionofbrownwalls——theywerepaperedwithbrownpaper——ofalongshelfalongonesideoftheroom，withdustyplastercastsandasmallcheaplayfigureofahorse，ofatableandsomethingofgreywaxpartiallycoveredwithacloth，andofscattereddrawings。Therewasagasstoveinonecorner，andsomeenameledwarethathadbeenusedforovernightcooking。Theoilclothonthefloorwasstreakedwithapeculiarwhitedust。Ewarthimselfwasnotinthefirstinstancevisible，butonlyafourfoldcanvasscreenattheendoftheroomfromwhichshoutsproceededof“Comeon！”thenhiswiryblackhair，verymuchrumpled，andastaringred-browneyeandhisstumpofanosecameroundtheedgeofthisataheightofaboutthreefeetfromtheground“It’soldPonderevo！”hesaid，“theEarlybird！Andhe’scaughttheworm！ByJove，butit’scoldthismorning！Comeroundhereandsitonthebed！”

Iwalkedround，wrunghishand，andwesurveyedoneanother。

Hewaslyingonasmallwoodenfold-upbed，thescantycoveringofwhichwassupplementedbyanovercoatandanelderlybutstillcheerfulpairofchecktrousers，andhewaswearingpajamasofavirulentpinkandgreen。Hisneckseemedlongerandmorestringythanithadbeeneveninourschooldays，andhisupperliphadawiryblackmoustache。Therestofhisruddy，knobbycountenance，hiserratichairandhisgeneralhairyleannesshadnoteven——tomyperceptionsgrown。

“ByJove！”hesaid，“you’vegotquitedecent-looking，Ponderevo！

Whatdoyouthinkofme？”

“You’reallright。Whatareyoudoinghere？”

“Art，myson——sculpture！Andincidentally——“Hehesitated。“I

plyatrade。Willyouhandmethatpipeandthosesmokingthings？So！Youcan’tmakecoffee，eh？Well，tryyourhand。

Castdownthisscreen——no——folditupandsowe’llgointotheotherroom。I’llkeepinbedallthesame。Thefire’sagasstove。Yes。Don’tmakeitbangtooloudasyoulightit——I

can’tstanditthismorning。Youwon’tsmoke？。Well，itdoesmegoodtoseeyouagain，Ponderevo。Tellmewhatyou’redoing，andhowyou’regettingon。”

Hedirectedmeintheserviceofhissimplehospitality，andpresentlyIcamebacktohisbedandsatdownandsmiledathimthere，smokingcomfortably，withhishandsunderhishead，surveyingme。

“How’sLife’sMorning，Ponderevo？ByJove，itmustbenearlysixyearssincewemet！They’vegotmoustaches。We’vefleshedourselvesabit，eh？Andyou？”

Ifeltapipewasbecomingafterall，andthatlit，Igavehimafavourablesketchofmycareer。

“Science！Andyou’veworkedlikethat！WhileI’vebeenpottingrounddoingoddjobsforstone-masonsandpeople，andtryingtogettosculpture。I’veasortoffeelingthatthechisel——I

beganwithpainting，Ponderevo，andfoundIwascolour-blind，colour-blindenoughtostopit。I’vedrawnaboutandthoughtabout——thoughtmoreparticularly。Igivemyselfthreedaysaweekasanartstudent，andtherestofthetimeI’veasortoftradethatkeepsme。Andwe’restillinthebeginningofthings，youngmenstarting。DoyouremembertheoldtimesatGoudhurst，ourdoll’s-houseisland，theRetreatoftheTenThousandYoungHolmesandtherabbits，eh？It’ssurprising，ifyouthinkofit，tofindwearestillyoung。Andweusedtotalkofwhatwewouldbe，andweusedtotalkoflove！Isupposeyouknowallaboutthatnow，Ponderevo？”

Ifinishedandhesitatedonsomevaguefoolishlie，“No。”Isaid，alittleashamedofthetruth。“Doyou？I’vebeentoobusy。”

“I’mjustbeginning——justaswewerethen。Thingshappen。”

Hesuckedathispipeforaspaceandstaredattheplastercastofaflayedhandthathungonthewall。

“Thefactis，Ponderevo，I’mbeginningtofindlifeamostextraordinaryqueerset-out；thethingsthatpullone，thethingsthatdon’t。Thewants——Thisbusinessofsex。It’sanet。Noendtoit，nowayoutofit，nosenseinit。Therearetimeswhenwomentakepossessionofme，whenmymindislikeapaintedceilingatHamptonCourtwiththeprideofthefleshsprawlingalloverit。WHY？。AndthenagainsometimeswhenIhavetoencounterawoman，Iamoverwhelmedbyaterroroftantalisingboredom——Ifly，Ihide，Idoanything。You’vegotyourscientificexplanationsperhaps；what’sNatureandtheuniverseuptointhatmatter？”

“It’sherway，Igather，ofsecuringthecontinuityofthespecies。”

“Butitdoesn’t。”saidEwart。“That’sjustit！No。Ihavesuccumbedto——dissipation——downthehillthere。EustonRoadway。

Anditwasdamneduglyandmean，andIhatehavingdoneit。Andthecontinuityofthespecies——Lord！。AndwhydoesNaturemakeamansoinfernallyreadyfordrinks？There’snosenseinthatanyhow。”Hesatupinbed，toputthisquestionwiththegreaterearnestness。“AndwhyhasshegivenmeamostviolentdesiretowardssculptureandanequallyviolentdesiretoleaveoffworkdirectlyIbeginit，eh？。Let’shavesomemorecoffee。Iputittoyou，thesethingspuzzleme，Ponderevo。Theydisheartenme。Theykeepmeinbed。”

Hehadanairofhavingsavedupthesedifficultiesformeforsometime。Hesatwithhischinalmosttouchinghisknees，suckingathispipe。

“That’swhatImean。”hewenton，“whenIsaylifeisgettingontomeasextraordinarilyqueer，Idon’tseemygame，norwhyI