第24章

Well，youbegintounderstandmybreakdownnow，Ihavebeencopiousenoughwiththeseapologia。Myworkgotmoreandmorespiritless，mybehaviourdegenerated，mypunctualitydeclined；I

wasmoreandmoreoutclassedinthesteadygrindbymyfellow-students。SuchsuppliesofmoralenergyasIstillhadatcommandshapednowinthedirectionofservingMarionratherthanscience。

Ifellawaydreadfully，moreandmoreIshirkedandskulked；thehumpedmenfromthenorth，thepalemenwiththin，clenchedminds，theintent，hard-breathingstudentsIfoundagainstme，fellatlastfromkeenrivalrytomoralcontempt。Evenagirlgotabovemeupononeofthelists。ThenindeedImadeitapointofhonourtoshowbymypublicdisregardofeveryrulethatIreallydidnotevenpretendtotry。

SoonedayIfoundmyselfsittinginamoodofconsiderableastonishmentinKensingtonGardens，reactingonarecentheatedinterviewwiththeschoolRegistrarinwhichIhaddisplayedmorespiritthansense。IwasastonishedchieflyatmystupendousfallingawayfromallthemilitantidealsofunflinchingstudyI

hadbroughtupfromWimblehurst。Ihaddisplayedmyself，astheRegistrarputit，“anunmitigatedrotter。”Myfailuretogetmarksinthewrittenexaminationhadonlybeenequalledbytheinsufficiencyofmypracticalwork。

“Iaskyou。”theRegistrarhadsaid，“whatwillbecomeofyouwhenyourscholarshiprunsout？”

Itcertainlywasaninterestingquestion。Whatwasgoingtobecomeofme？

ItwascleartherewouldbenothingformeintheschoolsasI

hadoncedaredtohope；thereseemed，indeed，scarcelyanythingintheworldexceptanillpaidassistantshipinsomeprovincialorganizedScienceSchoolorgrammarschool。Iknewthatforthatsortofwork，withoutadegreeoranyqualification，oneearnedhardlyabarelivingandhadlittleleisuretostruggleuptoanythingbetter。IfonlyIhadevenaslittleasfiftypoundsI

mightholdoutinLondonandtakemyB。Sc。degree，andquadruplemychances！Mybitternessagainstmyunclereturnedatthethought。Afterall，hehadsomeofmymoneystill，oroughttohave。Whyshouldn’tIactwithinmyrights，threatento’takeproceedings’？Imeditatedforaspaceontheidea，andthenreturnedtotheScienceLibraryandwrotehimaveryconsiderableandoccasionallypungentletter。

Thatlettertomyunclewasthenadirofmyfailure。Itsremarkableconsequences，whichendedmystudentdaysaltogether，Iwilltellinthenextchapter。

Isay“myfailure。”YettherearetimeswhenIcanevendoubtwhetherthatperiodwasafailureatall，whenIbecomedefensivelycriticalofthoseexactingcoursesIdidnotfollow，theencyclopaedicprocessofscientificexhaustionfromwhichI

wasdistracted。Mymindwasnotinactive，evenifitfedonforbiddenfood。IdidnotlearnwhatmyprofessorsanddemonstratorshadresolvedIshouldlearn，butIlearntmanythings。Mymindlearnttoswingwideandtoswingbyitself。

Afterall，thoseotherfellowswhotookhighplacesintheCollegeexaminationsandweretheprofessor’smodelboyshaven’tdonesoamazingly。Someareprofessorsthemselves，sometechnicalexperts；notonecanshowthingsdonesuchasI，followingmyowninterest，haveachieved。ForIhavebuiltboatsthatsmackacrossthewaterlikewhiplashes；nooneeverdreamtofsuchboatsuntilIbuiltthem；andIhavesurprisedthreesecretsthataremorethantechnicaldiscoveries，intheunexpectedh