第24章

Chapter5。XX。

HowtheQuintessencecuredthesickwithasong。

Thecaptainshowedusthequeen，attendedwithherladiesandgentlemen，inthesecondgallery。Shelookedyoung，thoughshewasatleasteighteenhundredyearsold，andwashandsome，slender，andasfineasaqueen，thatis，ashandscouldmakeher。Hethensaidtous:Itisnotyetafittimetospeaktothequeen；beyoubutmindfulofherdoingsinthemeanwhile。

Youhavekingsinyourworldthatfantasticallypretendtocuresomecertaindiseases，as，forexample，scrofulaorwens，swelledthroats，nicknamedtheking\'sevil，andquartanagues，onlywithatouch；nowourqueencuresallmannerofdiseaseswithoutsomuchastouchingthesick，butbarelywithasong，accordingtothenatureofthedistemper。Hethenshowedusasetoforgans，andsaidthatwhenitwastouchedbyherthosemiraculouscureswereperformed。Theorganwasindeedthestrangestthatevereyesbeheld；forthepipeswereofcassiafistulainthecod；thetopandcorniceofguiacum；thebellowsofrhubarb；thepedasofturbith，andtheclavierorkeysofscammony。

Whilewewereexaminingthiswonderfulnewmakeofanorgan，theleprouswerebroughtinbyherabstractors，spodizators，masticators，pregustics，tabachins，chachanins，neemanins，rabrebans，nercins，rozuins，nebidins，tearins，segamions，perarons，chasinins，sarins，soteins，aboth，enilins，archasdarpenins，mebins，chabourins，andotherofficers，forwhomIwantnames；sosheplayed\'emIdon\'tknowwhatsortofatuneorsong，andtheywereallimmediatelycured。

Thenthosewhowerepoisonedwerehadin，andshehadnosoonergiventhemasongbuttheybegantofindausefortheirlegs，anduptheygot。Thencameonthedeaf，theblind，andthedumb，andtheytoowererestoredtotheirlostfacultiesandsenseswiththesameremedy；whichdidsostrangelyamazeus(andnotwithoutreason，Ithink)thatdownwefellonourfaces，remainingprostrate，likemenravishedinecstasy，andwerenotabletoutteronewordthroughtheexcessofouradmiration，tillshecame，andhavingtouchedPantagruelwithafinefragrantnosegayofwhiteroseswhichsheheldinherhand，thusmadeusrecoveroursensesandgetup。

Thenshemadeusthefollowingspeechinbyssinwords，suchasParisatisdesiredshouldbespokentohersonCyrus，oratleastofcrimsonalamode:

Theprobitythatscintillizesinthesuperficesofyourpersonsinformsmyratiocinatingfaculty，inamoststupendousmanner，oftheradiantvirtueslatentwithinthepreciouscasketsandventriclesofyourminds。For，contemplatingthemellifluoussuavityofyourthricediscreetreverences，itisimpossiblenottobepersuadedwithfacilitythatneitheryouraffectionsnoryourintellectsarevitiatedwithanydefectorprivationofliberalandexaltedsciences。Farfromit，allmustjudgethatinyouarelodgedacornucopiaandencyclopaedia，anunmeasurableprofundityofknowledgeinthemostperegrineandsublimedisciplines，sofrequentlytheadmiration，andsorarelytheconcomitantsoftheimperitevulgar。Thisgentlycompelsme，whoinprecedingtimesindefatigablykeptmyprivateaffectionsabsolutelysubjugated，tocondescendtomakemyapplicationtoyouinthetrivialphraseoftheplebeianworld，andassureyouthatyouarewell，morethanmostheartilywelcome。

Ihavenohandatmakingofspeeches，quothPanurgetomeprivately；

prithee，man，makeanswertoherforus，ifthoucanst。Thiswouldnotworkwithme，however；neitherdidPantagruelreturnaword。SothatQueenWhims，orQueenQuintessence(whichyouplease)，perceivingthatwestoodasmuteasfishes，said:YourtaciturnityspeaksyounotonlydisciplesofPythagoras，fromwhomthevenerableantiquityofmyprogenitorsinsuccessivepropagationwasemanedandderivesitsoriginal，butalsodiscovers，thatthroughtherevolutionofmanyretrogrademoons，youhaveinEgyptpressedtheextremitiesofyourfingerswiththehardtenantsofyourmouths，andscalptizedyourheadswithfrequentapplicationsofyourunguicules。IntheschoolofPythagoras，taciturnitywasthesymbolofabstractedandsuperlativeknowledge，andthesilenceoftheEgyptianswasagnitedasanexpressivemannerofdivineadoration；thiscausedthepontiffsofHierapolistosacrificetothegreatdeityinsilence，impercussively，withoutanyvociferousorobstreperoussound。Mydesignisnottoenterintoaprivationofgratitudetowardsyou，butbyavivaciousformality，thoughmatterweretoabstractitselffromme，excentricatetoyoumycogitations。

Havingspokenthis，sheonlysaidtoherofficers，Tabachins，apanacea；

andstraighttheydesiredusnottotakeitamissifthequeendidnotinviteustodinewithher；forsheneverateanythingatdinnerbutsomecategories，jecabots，emnins，dimions，abstractions，harborins，chelemins，secondintentions，carradoths，antitheses，metempsychoses，transcendentprolepsies，andsuchotherlightfood。

Thentheytookusintoalittleclosetlinedthroughwithalarums，whereweweretreatedGodknowshow。ItissaidthatJupiterwriteswhateveristransactedintheworldonthediptheraorskinoftheAmalthaeangoatthatsuckledhiminCrete，whichpeltservedhiminsteadofashieldagainsttheTitans，whencehewasnicknamedAegiochos。Now，asIhatetodrinkwater，brothertopers，Iprotestitwouldbeimpossibletomakeeighteengoatskinsholdthedescriptionofallthegoodmeattheybroughtbeforeus，thoughitwerewrittenincharactersassmallasthoseinwhichwerepennedHomer\'sIliads，whichTullytellsushesawenclosedinanutshell。

Formypart，hadIonehundredmouths，asmanytongues，avoiceofiron，aheartofoak，andlungsofleather，togetherwiththemellifluousabundanceofPlato，yetInevercouldgiveyouafullaccountofathirdpartofasecondofthewhole。

Pantagruelwastellingmethathebelievedthequeenhadgiventhesymbolicwordusedamonghersubjectstodenotesovereigngoodcheer，whenshesaidtohertabachins，Apanacea；justasLucullususedtosay，InApollo，whenhedesignedtogivehisfriendsasingulartreat；thoughsometimestheytookhimatunawares，as，amongtherest，CiceroandHortensiussometimesusedtodo。

Chapter5。XXI。

HowtheQueenpassedhertimeafterdinner。

Whenwehaddined，achachaninledusintothequeen\'shall，andtherewesawhow，afterdinner，withtheladiesandtheprincesofhercourt，sheusedtosift，searce，bolt，range，andpassawaytimewithafinelargewhiteandbluesilksieve。Wealsoperceivedhowtheyrevivedancientsports，divertingthemselvestogetherat——

1。Cordax。6。Phrygia。11。Monogas。

2。Emmelia。7。Thracia。12。Terminalia。

3。Sicinnia。8。Calabrisme。13。Floralia。

4。Jambics。9。Molossia。14。Pyrrhice。

5。Persica。10。Cernophorum。15。(Nicatism。)

Andathousandotherdances。

(Motteuxhasthefollowingfootnote:——\'1。Asortofcountry-dance。2。A

stilltragicdance。3。Dancingandsingingusedatfunerals。4。Cuttingsarcasmsandlampoons。5。ThePersiandance。6。Tunes，whosemeasureinspiredmenwithakindofdivinefury。7。TheThracianmovement。8。

Smuttyverses。9。AmeasuretowhichtheMolossiofEpirusdancedacertainmorrice。10。Adancewithbowlsorpotsintheirhands。11。A

songwhereonesingsalone。12。Sportsattheholidaysofthegodofbounds。13。DancingnakedatFlora\'sholidays。14。TheTrojandanceinarmour。\')

Afterwardsshegaveordersthattheyshouldshowustheapartmentsandcuriositiesinherpalace。Accordinglywesawtheresuchnew，strange，andwonderfulthings，thatIamstillravishedinadmirationeverytimeIthinkof\'t。However，nothingsurprisedusmorethanwhatwasdonebythegentlemenofherhousehold，abstractors，parazons，nebidins，spodizators，andothers，whofreelyandwithouttheleastdissemblingtoldusthatthequeentheirmistressdidallimpossiblethings，andcuredmenofincurablediseases；andthey，herofficers，usedtodotherest。

Isawthereayoungparazoncuremanyofthenewconsumption，Imeanthepox，thoughtheywereneversopeppered。HaditbeentherankestRoanague(Anglice，theCovent-gardengout)，\'twasallonetohim；touchingonlytheirdentiformvertebraethricewithapieceofawoodenshoe，hemadethemaswholesomeassomanysucking-pigs。

Anotherdidthoroughlycurefolksofdropsies，tympanies，ascites，andhyposarcides，strikingthemonthebellyninetimeswithaTenedianhatchet，withoutanysolutionofthecontinuum。

Anothercuredallmanneroffeversandaguesonthespot，onlywithhangingafox-tailontheleftsideofthepatient\'sgirdle。

Oneremovedthetoothacheonlywithwashingthricetherootoftheachingtoothwithelder-vinegar，andlettingitdryhalf-an-hourinthesun。

Anotherthegout，whetherhotorcold，naturaloraccidental，bybarelymakingthegoutypersonshuthismouthandopenhiseyes。

IsawanothereaseninegentlemenofSt。Francis\'sdistemper(\'A

consumptioninthepocket，orwantofmoney；thoseofSt。Francis\'sordermustcarrynoneabout\'em。\'——Motteux。)inaveryshortspaceoftime，havingclappedaropeabouttheirnecks，attheendofwhichhungaboxwithtenthousandgoldcrownsin\'t。

Onewithawonderfulenginethrewthehousesoutatthewindows，bywhichmeanstheywerepurgedofallpestilentialair。

Anothercuredallthethreekindsofhectics，thetabid，atrophes，andemaciated，withoutbathing，Tabianmilk，dropax，aliasdepilatory，orothersuchmedicaments，onlyturningtheconsumptiveforthreemonthsintomonks；

andheassuredmethatiftheydidnotgrowfatandplumpinamonasticwayofliving，theyneverwouldbefattenedinthisworld，eitherbynatureorbyart。

Isawanothersurroundedwithacrowdoftwosortsofwomen。Somewereyoung，quaint，clever，neat，pretty，juicy，tight，brisk，buxom，proper，kind-hearted，andasrightasmyleg，toanyman\'sthinking。Therestwereold，weather-beaten，over-ridden，toothless，blear-eyed，tough，wrinkled，shrivelled，tawny，mouldy，phthisicky，decrepithags，beldams，andwalkingcarcasses。Weweretoldthathisofficewastocastanewthoseshe-piecesofantiquity，andmakethemsuchastheprettycreatureswhomwesaw，whohadbeenmadeyoungagainthatday，recoveringatoncethebeauty，shape，size，anddispositionwhichtheyenjoyedatsixteen；excepttheirheels，thatwerenowmuchshorterthanintheirformeryouth。

Thismadethemyetmoreapttofallbackwardswheneveranymanhappenedtotouch\'em，thantheyhadbeenbefore。Asfortheircounterparts，theoldmother-scratch-tobies，theymostdevoutlywaitedfortheblessedhourwhenthebatchthatwasintheovenwastobedrawn，thattheymighthavetheirturns，andinamightyhastetheywerepullingandhaulingthemanlikemad，tellinghimthat\'tisthemostgrievousandintolerablethinginnatureforthetailtobeonfireandtheheadtoscareawaythosewhoshouldquenchit。

Theofficerhadhishandsfull，neverwantingpatients；neitherdidhisplacebringhiminlittle，youmayswear。Pantagruelaskedhimwhetherhecouldalsomakeoldmenyoungagain。Hesaidhecouldnot。Butthewaytomakethemnewmenwastoget\'emtocohabitwithanew-castfemale；forthistheycaughtthatfifthkindofcrinckams，whichsomecallpellade，inGreek，(Greek)，thatmakesthemcastofftheiroldhairandskin，justastheserpentsdo，andthustheiryouthisrenewedliketheArabianphoenix\'s。Thisisthetruefountainofyouth，fortheretheoldanddecrepitbecomeyoung，active，andlusty。

Justso，asEuripidestellsus，Iolauswastransmogrified；andthusPhaon，forwhomkind-heartedSapphorunwild，growyoungagain，forVenus\'suse；

soTithonbyAurora\'smeans；soAesonbyMedea，andJasonalso，who，ifyou\'llbelievePherecidesandSimonides，wasnew-vampedanddyedbythatwitch；andsowerethenursesofjollyBacchus，andtheirhusbands，asAeschylusrelates。

Chapter5。XXII。

HowQueenWhims\'officerswereemployed；andhowthesaidladyretainedusamongherabstractors。

Ithensawagreatnumberofthequeen\'sofficers，whomadeblackamoorswhiteasfastashops，justrubbingtheirbellieswiththebottomofapannier。

Others，withthreecouplesoffoxesinoneyoke，ploughedasandyshore，anddidnotlosetheirseed。

Otherswashedburnttiles，andmadethemlosetheircolour。

Othersextractedwateroutofpumice-stones，brayingthemagoodwhileinamortar，andchangedtheirsubstance。

Othersshearedasses，andthusgotlongfleecewool。

Othersgatheredbarberriesandfigsoffofthistles。

Othersstrokedhe-goatsbythedugs，andsavedtheirmilkinasieve；andmuchtheygotbyit。

(Otherswashedasses\'headswithoutlosingtheirsoap。)

Otherstaughtcowstodance，anddidnotlosetheirfiddling。

Otherspitchednetstocatchthewind，andtookcock-lobstersinthem。

Isawaspodizator，whoveryartificiallygotfartsoutofadeadass，andsold\'emforfivepenceanell。

Anotherdidputrefybeetles。Othedaintyfood！

PoorPanurgefairlycastuphisaccounts，andgaveuphishalfpenny(i。e。

vomited)，seeinganarchasdarpeninwholaidahugeplentyofchamberlyetoputrefyinhorsedung，mishmashedwithabundanceofChristiansir-reverence。

Pugh，fieuponhim，nastydog！However，hetoldusthatwiththissacreddistillationhewateredkingsandprinces，andmadetheirsweetlivesafathomortwothelonger。

Othersbuiltchurchestojumpoverthesteeples。

Otherssetcartsbeforethehorses，andbegantoflayeelsatthetail；

neitherdidtheeelscrybeforetheywerehurt，likethoseofMelun。

Othersoutofnothingmadegreatthings，andmadegreatthingsreturntonothing。

Otherscutfireintosteakswithaknife，anddrewwaterwithafish-net。

Othersmadechalkofcheese，andhoneyofadog\'st——d。

Wesawaknotofothers，aboutabaker\'sdozeninnumber，tipplingunderanarbour。Theytopedoutofjollybottomlesscupsfoursortsofcool，sparkling，pure，delicious，vine-treesirup，whichwentdownlikemother\'smilk；andhealthsandbumpersflewaboutlikelightning。Weweretoldthatthesetruephilosopherswerefairlymultiplyingthestarsbydrinkingtillthesevenwerefourteen，asbrawnyHerculesdidwithAtlas。

Othersmadeavirtueofnecessity，andthebestofabadmarket，whichseemedtomeaverygoodpieceofwork。

Othersmadealchemy(i。e。sir-reverence)withtheirteeth，andclappingtheirhindretorttotherecipient，madescurvyfaces，andthensqueezed。

Others，inalargegrassplot，exactlymeasuredhowfarthefleascouldgoatahop，astep，andjump；andtoldusthatthiswasexceedinglyusefulfortherulingofkingdoms，theconductofarmies，andtheadministrationofcommonwealths；andthatSocrates，whofirstgotphilosophyoutofheaven，andfromidlingandtriflingmadeitprofitableandofmoment，usedtospendhalfhisphilosophizingtimeinmeasuringtheleapsoffleas，asAristophanesthequintessentialaffirms。

Isawtwogibroinsbythemselveskeepingwatchonthetopofatower，andweweretoldtheyguardedthemoonfromthewolves。

InablindcornerImetfourmoreveryhotatit，andreadytogotologgerheads。Iaskedwhatwasthecauseofthestirandado，themightycoilandpothertheymade。AndIheardthatforfourlivelongdaysthoseoverwiseroistershadbeenatitding-dong，disputingonthreehigh，morethanmetaphysicalpropositions，promisingthemselvesmountainsofgoldbysolvingthem。Thefirstwasconcerningahe-ass\'sshadow；thesecond，ofthesmokeofalantern；andthethirdofgoat\'shair，whetheritwerewoolorno。Weheardthattheydidnotthinkitabitstrangethattwocontradictionsinmode，form，figure，andtimeshouldbetrue；thoughI

willwarrantthesophistsofParishadratherbeunchristenedthanownsomuch。

Whilewewereadmiringallthosemen\'swonderfuldoings，theeveningstaralreadytwinkling，thequeen(Godblessher！)appeared，attendedwithhercourt，andagainamazedanddazzledus。Sheperceivedit，andsaidtous:

Whatoccasionstheaberrationsofhumancogitationsthroughtheperplexinglabyrinthsandabyssesofadmiration，isnotthesourceoftheeffects，whichsagaciousmortalsvisiblyexperiencetobetheconsequentialresultofnaturalcauses。\'Tisthenoveltyoftheexperimentwhichmakesimpressionsontheirconceptive，cogitativefaculties；thatdonotprevisethefacilityoftheoperationadequately，withasubactandsedateintellection，associatedwithdiligentandcongruousstudy。Consequentlyletallmannerofperturbationabdicatetheventriclesofyourbrains，ifanyonehasinvadedthemwhiletheywerecontemplatingwhatistransactedbymydomesticministers。Bespectatorsandauditorsofeveryparticularphenomenonandeveryindividualpropositionwithintheextentofmymansion；satiateyourselveswithallthatcanfallhereundertheconsiderationofyourvisualorauscultatingpowers，andthusemancipateyourselvesfromtheservitudeofcrassousignorance。AndthatyoumaybeinducedtoapprehendhowsincerelyIdesirethisinconsiderationofthestudiouscupiditythatsodemonstrativelyemicatesatyourexternalorgans，fromthispresentparticleoftimeIretainyouasmyabstractors。Geber，myprincipalTabachin，shallregisterandinitiateyouatyourdeparting。

Wehumblythankedherqueenshipwithoutsayingaword，acceptingofthenobleofficesheconferredonus。

Chapter5。XXIII。

HowtheQueenwasservedatdinner，andofherwayofeating。

QueenWhimsafterthissaidtohergentlemen:Theorificeoftheventricle，thatordinaryembassadorforthealimentationofallmembers，whethersuperiororinferior，importunesustorestore，bytheappositionofidoneoussustenance，whatwasdissipatedbytheinternalcalidity\'sactionontheradicalhumidity。Thereforespodizators，gesinins，memains，andparazons，benotculpableofdilatoryprotractionsintheappositionofeveryre-roboratingspecies，butratherletthempullulateandsuperaboundonthetables。Asforyou，nobilissimpraegustators，andmygentilissimmasticators，yourfrequentlyexperimentedindustry，internectedwithperdiligentsedulityandsedulousperdiligence，continuallyadjuvatesyoutoperficiateallthingsinsoexpeditiousamannerthatthereisnonecessityofexcitinginyouacupiditytoconsummatethem。ThereforeI

canonlysuggesttoyoustilltooperateasyouareassuefactedindefatigablytooperate。

Havingmadethisfinespeech，sheretiredforawhilewithpartofherwomen，andweweretoldthat\'twastobathe，astheancientsdidmorecommonlythanweusenowadaystowashourhandsbeforeweeat。Thetablesweresoonplaced，theclothspread，andthenthequeensatdown。Sheatenothingbutcelestialambrosia，anddranknothingbutdivinenectar。Asforthelordsandladiesthatwerethere，they，aswellaswe，faredonasrare，costly，anddaintydishesaseverApiciuswotordreamedofinhislife。

Whenwewereasroundashoops，andasfullaseggs，withstuffingthegut，anollapodrida(\'SomecallitanOlio。RabelaisPot-pourry。\'——Motteux。)

wassetbeforeustoforcehungertocometotermswithus，incaseithadnotgrantedusatruce；andsuchahugevastthingitwasthattheplatewhichPythiusAlthiusgaveKingDariuswouldhardlyhavecoveredit。Theollaconsistedofseveralsortsofpottages，salads，fricassees，saugrenees，cabirotadoes，roastandboiledmeat，carbonadoes，swingeingpiecesofpowderedbeef，goodoldhams，daintysomates，cakes，tarts，aworldofcurdsaftertheMoorishway，freshcheese，jellies，andfruitofallsorts。Allthisseemedtomegoodanddainty；however，thesightofitmademesigh；foralas！Icouldnottasteabiton\'t，sofullIhadfilledmypuddingsbefore，andabellyfulisabellyfulyouknow。YetImusttellyouwhatIsawthatseemedtomeoddenougho\'conscience；\'twassomepastiesinpaste；andwhatshouldthosepastiesinpastebe，d\'yethink，butpastiesinpots？AtthebottomIperceivedstoreofdice，cards，tarots(\'Greatcardsonwhichmanydifferentthingsarefigured。\'——

Motteux。)，luettes(\'Piecesofivorytoplaywithal。\'——Motteux。)，chessmen，andchequers，besidesfullbowlsofgoldcrowns，forthosewhohadamindtohaveagameortwoandtrytheirchance。UnderthisIsawajollycompanyofmulesinstatelytrappings，withvelvetfootcloths，andatroopofamblingnags，someformenandsomeforwomen；besidesIdon\'tknowhowmanylittersalllinedwithvelvet，andsomecoachesofFerraramake；allthisforthosewhohadamindtotaketheair。

Thisdidnotseemstrangetome；butifanythingdid\'twascertainlythequeen\'swayofeating，andtruly\'twasverynew，andveryodd；forshechewednothing，thegoodlady；notbutthatshehadgoodsoundteeth，andhermeatrequiredtobemasticated，butsuchwasherhighness\'scustom。

Whenherpraegustatorshadtastedthemeat，hermasticatorstookitandcheweditmostnobly；fortheirdaintychopsandgulletswerelinedthroughwithcrimsonsatin，withlittleweltsandgoldpurls，andtheirteethwereofdelicatewhiteivory。Thus，whentheyhadchewedthemeatreadyforherhighness\'smaw，theypoureditdownherthroatthroughafunneloffinegold，andsoontohercraw。Forthatreasontheytoldusshenevervisitedaclose-stoolbutbyproxy。

Chapter5。XXIV。

Howtherewasaballinthemannerofatournament，atwhichQueenWhimswaspresent。

Aftersuppertherewasaballintheformofatiltoratournament，notonlyworthseeing，butalsonevertobeforgotten。First，thefloorofthehallwascoveredwithalargepieceofvelvetedwhiteandyellowchequeredtapestry，eachchequerexactlysquare，andthreefullspansinbreadth。

Thenthirty-twoyoungpersonscameintothehall；sixteenofthemarrayedinclothofgold，andoftheseeightwereyoungnymphssuchastheancientsdescribedDiana\'sattendants；theothereightwereaking，aqueen，twowardensofthecastle，twoknights，andtwoarchers。Thoseoftheotherbandwerecladinclothofsilver。

Theypostedthemselvesonthetapestryinthefollowingmanner:the