第14章

Chapter3。XXX。

Howthetheologue，Hippothadee，givethcounseltoPanurgeinthematterandbusinessofhisnuptialenterprise。

ThedinneronthesubsequentSundaywasnosoonermadereadythanthattheafore-namedinvitedguestsgavetheretotheirappearance，allofthem，Bridlegooseonlyexcepted，whowasthedeputy-governorofFonsbeton。AttheusheringinofthesecondservicePanurge，makingalowreverence，spakethus:Gentlemen，thequestionIamtopropounduntoyoushallbeutteredinveryfewwords——ShouldImarryorno？Ifmydoubthereinbenotresolvedbyyou，Ishallholditaltogetherinsolvable，asaretheInsolubiliadeAliaco；forallofyouareelected，chosen，andculledoutfromamongstothers，everyoneinhisownconditionandquality，likesomanypickedpeasonacarpet。

TheFatherHippothadee，inobediencetothebiddingofPantagruel，andwithmuchcourtesytothecompany，answeredexceedingmodestlyafterthismanner:Myfriend，youarepleasedtoaskcounselofus；butfirstyoumustconsultwithyourself。Doyoufindanytroubleordisquietinyourbodybytheimportunatestingsandpricklingsoftheflesh？ThatIdo，quothPanurge，inahugelystrongandalmostirresistiblemeasure。Benotoffended，Ibeseechyou，goodfather，atthefreedomofmyexpression。Notruly，friend，notI，quothHippothadee，thereisnoreasonwhyIshouldbedispleasedtherewith。ButinthiscarnalstrifeanddebateofyourshaveyouobtainedfromGodthegiftandspecialgraceofcontinency？Ingoodfaith，not，quothPanurge。Mycounseltoyouinthatcase，myfriend，isthatyoumarry，quothHippothadee；foryoushouldratherchoosetomarryoncethantoburnstillinfiresofconcupiscence。ThenPanurge，withajovialheartandaloudvoice，criedout，Thatisspokegallantly，withoutcircumbilivaginatingaboutandabout，andneverhittingitinitscentredpoint。Gramercy，mygoodfather！IntruthIamresolvednowtomarry，andwithoutfailIshalldoitquickly。Iinviteyoutomywedding。Bythebodyofahen，weshallmakegoodcheer，andbeasmerryascrickets。Youshallwearthebridegroom\'scolours，and，ifweeatagoose，mywifeshallnotroastitforme。Iwillentreatyoutoleadupthefirstdanceofthebridesmaids，ifitmaypleaseyoutodomesomuchfavourandhonour。

Thererestethyetasmalldifficulty，alittlescruple，yea，evenlessthannothing，whereofIhumblycraveyourresolution。ShallIbeacuckold，father，yeaorno？Bynomeans，answeredHippothadee，willyoubecuckolded，ifitpleaseGod。OtheLordhelpusnow，quothPanurge；

whitherarewedrivento，goodfolks？Totheconditionals，which，accordingtotherulesandpreceptsofthedialecticfaculty，admitofallcontradictionsandimpossibilities。IfmyTransalpinemulehadwings，myTransalpinemulewouldfly，ifitpleaseGod，Ishallnotbeacuckold；butIshallbeacuckold，ifitpleasehim。GoodGod，ifthiswereaconditionwhichIknewhowtoprevent，myhopesshouldbeashighasever，norwouldIdespair。ButyouheresendmetoGod\'sprivycouncil，totheclosetofhislittlepleasures。You，myFrenchcountrymen，whichisthewayyoutaketogothither？

Myhonestfather，IbelieveIwillbeyourbestnottocometomywedding。

Theclutteranddingle-danglenoiseofmarriageguestswillbutdisturbyou，andbreaktheseriousfanciesofyourbrain。Youloverepose，withsolitudeandsilence；Ireallybelieveyouwillnotcome。Andthenyoudancebutindifferently，andwouldbeoutofcountenanceatthefirstentry。Iwillsendyousomegoodthingstoyourchamber，togetherwiththebride\'sfavour，andthereyoumaydrinkourhealth，ifitmaystandwithyourgoodliking。Myfriend，quothHippothadee，takemywordsinthesensewhereinImeantthem，anddonotmisinterpretme。WhenItellyou，——IfitpleaseGod，——doItoyouanywrongtherein？Isitanillexpression？Isitablasphemingclauseorreserveanywayscandalousuntotheworld？DonotwetherebyhonourtheLordGodAlmighty，Creator，Protector，andConserverofallthings？Isnotthatameanwherebywedoacknowledgehimtobethesolegiverofallwhatsoeverisgood？Donotweinthatmanifestourfaiththatwebelieveallthingstodependuponhisinfiniteandincomprehensiblebounty，andthatwithouthimnothingcanbeproduced，norafteritsproductionbeofanyvalue，force，orpower，withouttheconcurringaidandfavourofhisassistinggrace？Isitnotacanonicalandauthenticexception，worthytobepremisedtoallourundertakings？IsitnotexpedientthatwhatweproposeuntoourselvesbestillreferredtowhatshallbedisposedofbythesacredwillofGod，untowhichallthingsmustacquiesceintheheavensaswellasontheearth？Isnotthatverilyasanctifyingofhisholyname？Myfriend，youshallnotbeacuckold，ifitpleaseGod，norshallweneedtodespairoftheknowledgeofhisgoodwillandpleasureherein，asifitweresuchanabstruseandmysteriouslyhiddensecretthatfortheclearunderstandingthereofitwerenecessarytoconsultwiththoseofhiscelestialprivycouncil，orexpresslymakeavoyageuntotheempyreanchamberwhereorderisgivenfortheeffectuatingofhismostholypleasures。ThegreatGodhathdoneusthisgood，thathehathdeclaredandrevealedthemtousopenlyandplainly，anddescribedthemintheHolyBible。Therewillyoufindthatyoushallneverbeacuckold，thatistosay，yourwifeshallneverbeastrumpet，ifyoumakechoiceofoneofacommendableextraction，descendedofhonestparents，andinstructedinallpietyandvirtue——suchaoneashathnotatanytimehauntedorfrequentedthecompanyorconversationofthosethatareofcorruptanddepravedmanners，onelovingandfearingGod，whotakethasingulardelightindrawingneartohimbyfaithandthecordialobservingofhissacredcommandments——andfinally，onewho，standinginaweoftheDivineMajestyoftheMostHigh，willbelothtooffendhimandlosethefavourablekindnessofhisgracethroughanydefectoffaithortransgressionagainsttheordinancesofhisholylaw，whereinadulteryismostrigorouslyforbiddenandacloseadherencetoherhusbandalonemoststrictlyandseverelyenjoined；yea，insuchsortthatsheistocherish，serve，andlovehimaboveanything，nexttoGod，thatmeritethtobebeloved。Intheinterim，forthebetterschoolingofherintheseinstructions，andthatthewholesomedoctrineofamatrimonialdutymaytakethedeeperrootinhermind，youmustneedscarryyourselfsoonyourpart，andyourbehaviouristobesuch，thatyouaretogobeforeherinagoodexample，byentertainingherunfeignedlywithaconjugalamity，bycontinuallyapprovingyourselfinallyourwordsandactionsafaithfulanddiscreethusband；andbyliving，notonlyathomeandprivatelywithyourownhouseholdandfamily，butinthefacealsoofallmenandopenviewoftheworld，devoutly，virtuously，andchastely，asyouwouldhaveheronhersidetodeportandtodemeanherselftowardsyou，asbecomesagodly，loyal，andrespectfulwife，whomakethconsciencetokeepinviolablethetieofamatrimonialoath。Forasthatlooking-glassisnotthebestwhichismostdeckedwithgoldandpreciousstones，butthatwhichrepresentethtotheeyetheliveliestshapesofobjectssetbeforeit，evensothatwifeshouldnotbemostesteemedwhorichestisandofthenoblestrace，butshewho，fearingGod，conformsherselfnearestuntothehumourofherhusband。

ConsiderhowthemoondothnotborrowherlightfromJupiter，Mars，Mercury，oranyotheroftheplanets，noryetfromanyofthosesplendidstarswhicharesetinthespangledfirmament，butfromherhusbandonly，thebrightsun，whichshereceivethfromhimmoreorless，accordingtothemannerofhisaspectandvariouslybestowederadiations。Justsoshouldyoubeapatterntoyourwifeinvirtue，goodlyzeal，andtruedevotion，thatbyyourradianceindartingonhertheaspectofanexemplarygoodness，she，inyourimitation，mayoutshinetheluminariesofallotherwomen。TothiseffectyoudailymustimploreGod\'sgracetotheprotectionofyouboth。Youwouldhavemethen，quothPanurge，twistingthewhiskersofhisbeardoneithersidewiththethumbandforefingerofhislefthand，toespouseandtaketowifetheprudentfrugalwomandescribedbySolomon。

Withoutalldoubtsheisdead，andtrulytomybestremembranceIneversawher；theLordforgiveme！Nevertheless，Ithankyou，father。Eatthissliceofmarchpane，itwillhelpyourdigestion；thenshallyoubepresentedwithacupofclarethippocras，whichisrighthealthfulandstomachal。Letusproceed。

Chapter3。XXXI。

HowthephysicianRondibiliscounsellethPanurge。

Panurge，continuinghisdiscourse，said，Thefirstwordwhichwasspokenbyhimwhogeldedthelubberly，quaffingmonksofSaussiniac，afterthathehadunstonedFriarCauldaureil，wasthis，Totherest。Inlikemanner，I

say，Totherest。ThereforeIbeseechyou，mygoodMasterRondibilis，shouldImarryornot？Bytherakingpaceofmymule，quothRondibilis，I

knownotwhatanswertomaketothisproblemofyours。

Yousaythatyoufeelinyoutheprickingstingsofsensuality，bywhichyouarestirreduptovenery。Ifindinourfacultyofmedicine，andwehavefoundedouropinionthereinuponthedeliberateresolutionandfinaldecisionoftheancientPlatonics，thatcarnalconcupiscenceiscooledandquelledfiveseveralways。

First，Bythemeansofwine。Ishalleasilybelievethat，quothFriarJohn，forwhenIamwellwhittledwiththejuiceofthegrapeIcarefornothingelse，soImaysleep。WhenIsay，quothRondibilis，thatwineabatethlust，mymeaningis，wineimmoderatelytaken；forbyintemperancyproceedingfromtheexcessivedrinkingofstrongliquorthereisbroughtuponthebodyofsuchaswill-downboozerachillnessintheblood，aslackeninginthesinews，adissipationofthegenerativeseed，anumbnessandhebetationofthesenses，withaperversivewrynessandconvulsionofthemuscles——allwhicharegreatletsandimpedimentstotheactofgeneration。HenceitisthatBacchus，thegodofbibbers，tipplers，anddrunkards，ismostcommonlypaintedbeardlessandcladinawoman\'shabit，asapersonaltogethereffeminate，orlikealibbedeunuch。Wine，nevertheless，takenmoderately，workethquitecontraryeffects，asisimpliedbytheoldproverb，whichsaiththatVenustakescoldwhennotaccompaniedwithCeresandBacchus。Thisopinionisofgreatantiquity，asappearethbythetestimonyofDiodorustheSicilian，andconfirmedbyPausanias，anduniversallyheldamongsttheLampsacians，thatDonPriapuswasthesonofBacchusandVenus。

Secondly，Thefervencyoflustisabatedbycertaindrugs，plants，herbs，androots，whichmakethetakercold，maleficiated，unfitfor，andunabletoperformtheactofgeneration；ashathbeenoftenexperimentedinthewater-lily，heraclea，agnuscastus，willow-twigs，hemp-stalks，woodbine，honeysuckle，tamarisk，chastetree，mandrake，bennet，keckbugloss，theskinofahippopotam，andmanyothersuch，which，byconvenientdosesproportionedtothepeccanthumourandconstitutionofthepatient，beingdulyandseasonablyreceivedwithinthebody——whatbytheirelementaryvirtuesontheonesideandpeculiarpropertiesontheother——doeitherbenumb，mortify，andbeclumpsewithcoldtheprolificsemence，orscatteranddispersethespiritswhichoughttohavegonealongwithandconductedthespermtotheplacesdestinedandappointedforitsreception，orlastly，shutup，stop，andobstructtheways，passages，andconduitsthroughwhichtheseedshouldhavebeenexpelled，evacuated，andejected。

Wehaveneverthelessofthoseingredientswhich，beingofacontraryoperation，heattheblood，bendthenerves，unitethespirits，quickenthesenses，strengthenthemuscles，andtherebyrouseup，provoke，excite，andenableamantothevigorousaccomplishmentofthefeatofamorousdalliance。Ihavenoneedofthose，quothPanurge，Godbethanked，andyou，mygoodmaster。Howsoever，Iprayyou，takenoexceptionoroffenceatthesemywords；forwhatIhavesaidwasnotoutofanyillwillIdidbeartoyou，theLordheknows。

Thirdly，Theardouroflecheryisverymuchsubduedandmatedbyfrequentlabourandcontinualtoiling。Forbypainfulexercisesandlaboriousworkingsogreatadissolutionisbroughtuponthewholebody，thattheblood，whichrunnethalongstthechannelsoftheveinsthereofforthenourishmentandalimentationofeachofitsmembers，hathneithertime，leisure，norpowertoaffordtheseminalresudation，orsuperfluityofthethirdconcoction，whichnaturemostcarefullyreservesfortheconservationoftheindividual，whosepreservationshemoreheedfullyregardeththanthepropagatingofthespeciesandthemultiplicationofhumankind。WhenceitisthatDianaissaidtobechaste，becausesheisneveridle，butalwaysbusiedaboutherhunting。Forthesamereasonwasacamporleaguerofoldcalledcastrum，asiftheywouldhavesaidcastum；becausethesoldiers，wrestlers，runners，throwersofthebar，andothersuch-likeathleticchampionsasareusuallyseeninamilitarycircumvallation，doincessantlytravailandturmoil，andareinaperpetualstirandagitation。TothispurposeHippocratesalsowritethinhisbook，DeAere，AquaetLocis，thatinhistimetherewerepeopleinScythiaasimpotentaseunuchsinthedischargeofavenereanexploit，becausethatwithoutanycessation，pause，orrespitetheywereneverfromoffhorseback，orotherwiseassiduouslyemployedinsometroublesomeandmolestingdrudgery。

Ontheotherpart，inoppositionandrepugnancyhereto，thephilosopherssaythatidlenessisthemotherofluxury。WhenitwasaskedOvid，WhyAegisthusbecameanadulterer？hemadenootheranswerbutthis，Becausehewasidle。WhowereabletoridtheworldofloiteringandlazinessmighteasilyfrustrateanddisappointCupidofallhisdesigns，aims，engines，anddevices，andsodisableandappalhimthathisbow，quiver，anddartsshouldfromthenceforthbeamereneedlessloadandburdentohim，forthatitcouldnotthenlieinhispowertostrikeorwoundanyofeithersexwithallthearmshehad。Heisnot，Ibelieve，soexpertanarcherasthathecanhitthecranesflyingintheair，oryettheyoungstagsskippingthroughthethickets，astheParthiansknewwellhowtodo；thatistosay，peoplemoiling，stirringandhurryingupanddown，restless，andwithoutrepose。Hemusthavethosehushed，still，quiet，lyingatastay，lither，andfullofease，whomheisable，thoughhismotherhelphim，totouch，muchlesstopiercewithallhisarrows。Inconfirmationhereof，Theophrastus，beingaskedonatimewhatkindofbeastorthinghejudgedatoyish，wantonlovetobe？hemadeanswer，thatitwasapassionofidleandsluggishspirits。Fromwhichprettydescriptionofticklinglove-

tricksthatofDiogenes\'shatchingwasnotverydiscrepant，whenhedefinedlecherytheoccupationoffolksdestituteofallotheroccupation。ForthiscausetheSyconianengraverCanachus，beingdesiroustogiveustounderstandthatsloth，drowsiness，negligence，andlazinessweretheprimeguardiansandgovernessesofribaldry，madethestatueofVenus，notstanding，asotherstone-cuttershadusedtodo，butsitting。

Fourthly，Theticklingpricksofincontinencyarebluntedbyaneagerstudy；forfromthenceproceedethanincredibleresolutionofthespirits，thatoftentimestheredonotremainsomanybehindasmaysufficetopushandthrustforwardsthegenerativeresudationtotheplacestheretoappropriated，andtherewithalinflatethecavernousnervewhoseofficeistoejaculatethemoistureforthepropagationofhumanprogeny。Lestyoushouldthinkitisnotso，bepleasedbuttocontemplatealittletheform，fashion，andcarriageofamanexceedingearnestlysetuponsomelearnedmeditation，anddeeplyplungedtherein，andyoushallseehowallthearteriesofhisbrainsarestretchedforthandbentlikethestringofacrossbow，themorepromptly，dexterously，andcopiouslytosuppeditate，furnish，andsupplyhimwithstoreofspiritssufficienttoreplenishandfilluptheventricles，seats，tunnels，mansions，receptacles，andcellulesofthecommonsense，——oftheimagination，apprehension，andfancy，——oftheratiocination，arguing，andresolution，——aslikewiseofthememory，recordation，andremembrance；andwithgreatalacrity，nimbleness，andagilitytorun，pass，andcoursefromtheonetotheother，throughthosepipes，windings，andconduitswhichtoskilfulanatomistsareperceivableattheendofthewonderfulnetwhereallthearteriescloseinaterminatingpoint；whicharteries，takingtheirriseandoriginfromtheleftcapsuleoftheheart，bringthroughseveralcircuits，ambages，andanfractuosities，thevital，tosubtilizeandrefinethemtotheetherealpurityofanimalspirits。Nay，insuchastudiouslymusingpersonyoumayespysoextravagantrapturesofoneasitwereoutofhimself，thatallhisnaturalfacultiesforthattimewillseemtobesuspendedfromeachtheirproperchargeandoffice，andhisexteriorsensestobeatastand。Inaword，youcannototherwisechoosethanthinkthatheisbyanextraordinaryecstasyquitetransportedoutofwhathewas，orshouldbe；andthatSocratesdidnotspeakimproperlywhenhesaidthatphilosophywasnothingelsebutameditationupondeath。ThispossiblyisthereasonwhyDemocritusdeprivedhimselfofthesenseofseeing，prizingatamuchlowerratethelossofhissightthanthediminutionofhiscontemplations，whichhefrequentlyhadfounddisturbedbythevagrant，flying-outstrayingsofhisunsettledandrovingeyes。ThereforeisitthatPallas，thegoddessofwisdom，tutoressandguardianessofsuchasarediligentlystudiousandpainfullyindustrious，is，andhathbeenstillaccountedavirgin。TheMusesuponthesameconsiderationareesteemedperpetualmaids；andtheGraces，forthelikereason，havebeenheldtocontinueinasempiternalpudicity。

IremembertohavereadthatCupid，onatimebeingaskedofhismotherVenuswhyhedidnotassaultandsetupontheMuses，hisanswerwasthathefoundthemsofair，sosweet，sofine，soneat，sowise，solearned，somodest，sodiscreet，socourteous，sovirtuous，andsocontinuallybusiedandemployed，——oneinthespeculationofthestars，——anotherinthesupputationofnumbers，——thethirdinthedimensionofgeometricalquantities，——thefourthinthecompositionofheroicpoems，——thefifthinthejovialinterludesofacomicstrain，——thesixthinthestatelygravityofatragicvein，——theseventhinthemelodiousdispositionofmusicalairs，——theeighthinthecompletestmannerofwritinghistoriesandbooksonallsortsofsubjects，——andtheninthinthemysteries，secrets，andcuriositiesofallsciences，faculties，disciplines，andartswhatsoever，whetherliberalormechanic，——thatapproachingnearuntothemheunbendedhisbow，shuthisquiver，andextinguishedhistorch，throughmereshameandfearthatbymischancehemightdothemsomehurtorprejudice。Whichdone，hethereafterputoffthefilletwherewithhiseyeswereboundtolookthemintheface，andtoheartheirmelodyandpoeticodes。Theretookhethegreatestpleasureintheworld，thatmanytimeshewastransportedwiththeirbeautyandprettybehaviour，andcharmedasleepbytheharmony；sofarwashefromassaultingthemorinterruptingtheirstudies。UnderthisarticlemaybecomprisedwhatHippocrateswroteintheafore-citedtreatiseconcerningtheScythians；asalsothatinabookofhisentitledOfBreedingandProduction，wherehehathaffirmedallsuchmentobeunfitforgenerationashavetheirparotidarteriescut——whosesituationisbesidetheears——forthereasongivenalreadywhenIwasspeakingoftheresolutionofthespiritsandofthatspiritualbloodwhereofthearteriesarethesoleandproperreceptacles，andthatlikewisehedothmaintainalargeportionoftheparastaticliquortoissueanddescendfromthebrainsandbackbone。

Fifthly，Bythetoofrequentreiterationoftheactofvenery。TheredidI

waitforyou，quothPanurge，andshallwillinglyapplyittomyself，whilstanyonethatpleasethmay，forme，makeuseofanyofthefourpreceding。

Thatistheverysamething，quothFriarJohn，whichFatherScyllino，PriorofSaintVictoratMarseilles，callethbythenameofmacerationandtamingoftheflesh。Iamofthesameopinion，——andsowasthehermitofSaintRadegonde，alittleaboveChinon；for，quothhe，thehermitsofThebaidecannomoreaptlyorexpedientlymacerateandbringdowntheprideoftheirbodies，dauntandmortifytheirlecheroussensuality，ordepressandovercomethestubbornnessandrebellionoftheflesh，thanbydufflingandfanfreluchingitfive-and-twentyorthirtytimesaday。IseePanurge，quothRondibilis，neatlyfeaturedandproportionedinallthemembersofhisbody，ofagoodtemperamentinhishumours，well-complexionedinhisspirits，ofacompetentage，inanopportunetime，andofareasonablyforwardmindtobemarried。Truly，ifheencounterwithawifeofthelikenature，temperament，andconstitution，hemaybegetuponherchildrenworthyofsometranspontinemonarchy；andthesoonerhemarryitwillbethebetterforhim，andthemoreconducibleforhisprofitifhewouldseeandhavehischildreninhisowntimewellprovidedfor。Sir，myworthymaster，quothPanurge，Iwilldoit，donotyoudoubtthereof，andthatquicklyenough，Iwarrantyou。Nevertheless，whilstyouwerebusiedintheutteringofyourlearneddiscourse，thisfleawhichIhaveinmineearhathtickledmemorethanever。Iretainyouinthenumberofmyfestivalguests，andpromiseyouthatweshallnotwantformirthandgoodcheerenough，yea，overandabovetheordinaryrate。And，ifitmaypleaseyou，desireyourwifetocomealongwithyou，togetherwithhershe-friendsandneighbours——thatistobeunderstood——andthereshallbefairplay。

Chapter3。XXXII。

HowRondibilisdeclarethcuckoldrytobenaturallyoneoftheappendancesofmarriage。

Thereremainethasyet，quothPanurge，goingoninhisdiscourse，onesmallscrupletobecleared。Youhaveseenheretofore，Idoubtnot，intheRomanstandards，S。P。Q。R。，Si，Peu，Que，Rien。ShallnotIbeacuckold？Bythehavenofsafety，criedoutRondibilis，whatisthisyouaskofme？Ifyoushallbeacuckold？Mynoblefriend，Iammarried，andyouareliketobesoveryspeedily；thereforebepleased，frommyexperimentinthematter，towriteinyourbrainwithasteelpenthissubsequentditton，Thereisnomarriedmanwhodothnotrunthehazardofbeingmadeacuckold。Cuckoldrynaturallyattendethmarriage。Theshadowdothnotmorenaturallyfollowthebody，thancuckoldryensuethaftermarriagetoplacefairhornsuponthehusbands\'heads。

Andwhenyoushallhappentohearanymanpronouncethesethreewords，Heismarried；ifyouthensayheis，hathbeen，shallbe，ormaybeacuckold，youwillnotbeaccountedanunskilfulartistinframingoftrueconsequences。Tripesandbowelsofallthedevils，criesPanurge，whatdoyoutellme？Mydearfriend，answeredRondibilis，asHippocratesonatimewasintheverynickofsettingforwardsfromLangotoPolystilotovisitthephilosopherDemocritus，hewroteafamiliarlettertohisfriendDionysius，whereinhedesiredhimthathewould，duringtheintervalofhisabsence，carryhiswifetothehouseofherfatherandmother，whowereanhonourablecoupleandofgoodrepute；becauseIwouldnothaveheratmyhome，saidhe，tomakeabodeinsolitude。Yet，notwithstandingthisherresidencebesideherparents，donotfail，quothhe，withamostheedfulcareandcircumspectiontopryintoherways，andtoespywhatplacessheshallgotowithhermother，andwhothosebethatshallrepairuntoher。

Not，quothhe，thatIdomistrusthervirtue，orthatIseemtohaveanydiffidenceofherpudicityandchastebehaviour，——forofthatIhavefrequentlyhadgoodandrealproofs，——butImustfreelytellyou，Sheisawoman。Thereliesthesuspicion。

Myworthyfriend，thenatureofwomenissetforthbeforeoureyesandrepresentedtousbythemoon，indiversotherthingsaswellasinthis，thattheysquat，skulk，constraintheirowninclinations，and，withallthecunningtheycan，dissembleandplaythehypocriteinthesightandpresenceoftheirhusbands；whocomenosoonertobeoutoftheway，butthatforthwiththeytaketheiradvantage，passthetimemerrily，desistfromalllabour，frolicit，gadabroad，layasidetheircounterfeitgarb，andopenlydeclareandmanifesttheinterioroftheirdispositions，evenasthemoon，whensheisinconjunctionwiththesun，isneitherseenintheheavensnorontheearth，butinheropposition，whenremotestfromhim，shinethinhergreatestfulness，andwhollyappearethinherbrightestsplendourwhilstitisnight。Thuswomenarebutwomen。

WhenIsaywomankind，Ispeakofasexsofrail，sovariable，sochangeable，sofickle，inconstant，andimperfect，thatinmyopinionNature，underfavour，nevertheless，oftheprimehonourandreverencewhichisdueuntoher，didinamannermistaketheroadwhichshehadtracedformerly，andstrayexceedinglyfromthatexcellenceofprovidentialjudgmentbythewhichshehadcreatedandformedallotherthings，whenshebuilt，framed，andmadeupthewoman。Andhavingthoughtuponitahundredandfivetimes，Iknownotwhatelsetodeterminetherein，saveonlythatinthedevising，hammering，forging，andcomposingofthewomanshehathhadamuchtendererregard，andbyagreatdealmorerespectfulheedtothedelightfulconsortshipandsociabledelectationoftheman，thantotheperfectionandaccomplishmentoftheindividualwomanishnessormuliebrity。

ThedivinephilosopherPlatowasdoubtfulinwhatrankoflivingcreaturestoplaceandcollocatethem，whetheramongsttherationalanimals，byelevatingthemtoanupperseatinthespecificalclassisofhumanity，orwiththeirrational，bydegradingthemtoalowerbenchontheoppositeside，ofabrutalkind，andmerebestiality。Fornaturehathpositedinaprivy，secret，andintestineplaceoftheirbodies，asortofmember，bysomenotimpertinentlytermedananimal，whichisnottobefoundinmen。

Thereinsometimesareengenderedcertainhumourssosaltish，brackish，clammy，sharp，nipping，tearing，prickling，andmosteagerlytickling，thatbytheirstingingacrimony，rendingnitrosity，figgingitch，wrigglingmordicancy，andsmartingsalsitude(forthesaidmemberisaltogethersinewyandofamostquickandlivelyfeeling)，theirwholebodyisshakenandebrangled，theirsensestotallyravishedandtransported，theoperationsoftheirjudgmentandunderstandingutterlyconfounded，andalldisordinatepassionsandperturbationsofthemindthoroughlyandabsolutelyallowed，admitted，andapprovedof；yea，insuchsortthatifnaturehadnotbeensofavourableuntothemastohavesprinkledtheirforeheadwithalittletinctureofbashfulnessandmodesty，youshouldseetheminasofranticmoodrunmadafterlechery，andhieapaceupanddownwithhasteandlust，inquestofandtofixsomechamber-standardintheirPaphianground，thatneverdidtheProetides，Mimallonides，norLyaeanThyadesdeportthemselvesinthetimeoftheirbacchanalianfestivalsmoreshamelessly，orwithasoaffrontedandbrazen-facedimpudency；becausethisterribleanimalisknitunto，andhathanunionwithallthechiefandmostprincipalpartsofthebody，astoanatomistsisevident。LetitnotherebethoughtstrangethatIshouldcallitananimal，seeingthereinI

donootherwisethanfollowandadheretothedoctrineoftheacademicandperipateticphilosophers。Forifapropermotionbeacertainmarkandinfallibletokenofthelifeandanimationofthemover，asAristotlewriteth，andthatanysuchthingasmovethofitselfoughttobeheldanimatedandofalivingnature，thenassuredlyPlatowithverygoodreasondidgiveitthedenominationofananimal，forthatheperceivedandobservedinittheproperandself-stirringmotionsofsuffocation，precipitation，corrugation，andofindignationsoextremelyviolent，thatoftentimesbythemistakenandremovedfromthewomanallothersenseandmovingwhatsoever，asifshewereinaswoundinglipothymy，benumbingsyncope，epileptic，apoplecticpalsy，andtrueresemblanceofapale-faceddeath。

Furthermore，inthesaidmemberthereisamanifestdiscerningfacultyofscentsandodoursveryperceptibletowomen，whofeelitflyfromwhatisrankandunsavoury，andfollowfragrantandaromaticsmells。ItisnotunknowntomehowCl。Galenstrivethwithmightandmaintoprovethatthesearenotproperandparticularnotionsproceedingintrinsicallyfromthethingitself，butaccidentallyandbychance。Norhathitescapedmynoticehowothersofthatsecthavelabouredhardly，yea，totheutmostoftheirabilities，todemonstratethatitisnotasensitivediscerningorperceptioninitofthedifferenceofwaftsandsmells，butmerelyavariousmannerofvirtueandefficacypassingforthandflowingfromthediversityofodoriferoussubstancesappliednearuntoit。Nevertheless，ifyouwillstudiouslyexamineandseriouslyponderandweighinCritolaus\'sbalancethestrengthoftheirreasonsandarguments，youshallfindthatthey，notonlyinthis，butinseveralothermattersalsoofthelikenature，havespokenatrandom，andratheroutofanambitiousenvytocheckandreprehendtheirbettersthanforanydesigntomakeinquiryintothesolidtruth。

Iwillnotlaunchmylittleskiffanyfurtherintothewideoceanofthisdispute，onlywillItellyouthatthepraiseandcommendationisnotmeanandslenderwhichisduetothosehonestandgoodwomenwho，livingchastelyandwithoutblame，havehadthepowerandvirtuetocurb，range，andsubduethatunbridled，heady，andwildanimaltoanobedient，submissive，andobsequiousyieldinguntoreason。ThereforeherewillI

makeanendofmydiscoursethereon，whenIshallhavetoldyouthatthesaidanimalbeingoncesatiated——ifitbepossiblethatitcanbecontentedorsatisfied——bythatalimentwhichnaturehathprovidedforitoutoftheepididymalstorehouseofman，allitsformerandirregularanddisorderedmotionsareatanend，laid，andassuaged，allitsvehementandunrulylongingslulled，pacified，andquieted，andallthefuriousandraginglusts，appetites，anddesiresthereofappeased，calmed，andextinguished。

Forthiscauseletitseemnothingstrangeuntoyouifwebeinaperpetualdangerofbeingcuckolds，thatistosay，suchofusashavenotwherewithalfullytosatisfytheappetiteandexpectationofthatvoraciousanimal。Oddsfish！quothPanurge，haveyounopreventivecureinallyourmedicinalartforhinderingone\'sheadtobehorny-graffedathomewhilsthisfeetareploddingabroad？Yes，thatIhave，mygallantfriend，answeredRondibilis，andthatwhichisasovereignremedy，whereofI

frequentlymakeusemyself；and，thatyoumaythebetterrelish，itissetdownandwritteninthebookofamostfamousauthor，whoserenownisofastandingoftwothousandyears。Hearkenandtakegoodheed。Youare，quothPanurge，bycockshobby，arighthonestman，andIloveyouwithallmyheart。Eatalittleofthisquince-pie；itisveryproperandconvenientfortheshuttingupoftheorificeoftheventricleofthestomach，becauseofakindofastringentstypticitywhichisinthatsortoffruit，andishelpfultothefirstconcoction。Butwhat？IthinkI

speakLatinbeforeclerks。StaytillIgiveyousomewhattodrinkoutofthisNestoriangoblet。Willyouhaveanotherdraughtofwhitehippocras？

Benotafraidofthesquinzy，no。Thereisneithersquinant，ginger，norgrainsinit；onlyalittlechoicecinnamon，andsomeofthebestrefinedsugar，withthedeliciouswhitewineofthegrowthofthatvinewhichwassetintheslipsofthegreatsorbappleabovethewalnut-tree。

Chapter3。XXXIII。

Rondibilisthephysician\'scureofcuckoldry。

Atthattime，quothRondibilis，whenJupitertookaviewofthestateofhisOlympichouseandfamily，andthathehadmadethecalendarofallthegodsandgoddesses，appointinguntothefestivalofeveryoneofthemitsproperdayandseason，establishingcertainfixedplacesandstationsforthepronouncingoforaclesandreliefoftravellingpilgrims，andordainingvictims，immolations，andsacrificessuitableandcorrespondenttothedignityandnatureoftheworshippedandadoreddeity——Didnothedo，askedPanurge，thereinasTintouille，theBishopofAuxerre，issaidoncetohavedone？Thisnobleprelatelovedentirelythepureliquorofthegrape，aseveryhonestandjudiciousmandoth；thereforewasitthathehadanespecialcareandregardtothebudofthevine-treeastothegreat-

grandfatherofBacchus。Butsoitis，thatforsundryyearstogetherhesawamostpitifulhavoc，desolation，anddestructionmadeamongstthesprouts，shootings，buds，blossoms，andscionsofthevinesbyhoaryfrost，dankfogs，hotmists，unseasonablecolds，chillblasts，thickhail，andothercalamitouschancesoffoulweather，happening，ashethought，bythedismalinauspiciousnessoftheholydaysofSt。George，St。Mary，St。Paul，St。Eutrope，HolyRood，theAscension，andotherfestivals，inthattimewhenthesunpassethunderthesignofTaurus；andthereuponharbouredinhismindthisopinion，thattheafore-namedsaintswereSaintHail-

flingers，SaintFrost-senders，SaintFog-mongers，andSaintSpoilersoftheVine-buds。Forwhichcausehewentabouttohavetransmittedtheirfeastsfromthespringtothewinter，tobecelebratedbetweenChristmasandEpiphany，sothemotherofthethreekingscalledit，allowingthemwithallhonourandreverencethelibertythentofreeze，hail，andrainasmuchastheywould；forthatheknewthatatsuchatimefrostwasratherprofitablethanhurtfultothevine-buds，andintheirsteadstohaveplacedthefestivalsofSt。Christopher，St。JohntheBaptist，St。

Magdalene，St。Anne，St。Domingo，andSt。Lawrence；yea，andtohavegonesofarastocollocateandtransposethemiddleofAugustinandtothebeginningofMay，becauseduringthewholespaceoftheirsolemnitytherewassolittledangerofhoaryfrostsandcoldmists，thatnoartificersarethenheldingreaterrequestthantheaffordersofrefrigeratinginventions，makersofjunkets，fitdisposersofcoolingshades，composersofgreenarbours，andrefreshersofwine。

Jupiter，saidRondibilis，forgotthepoordevilCuckoldry，whowastheninthecourtatParisveryeagerlysolicitingapeddlingsuitatlawforoneofhisvassalsandtenants。Withinsomefewdaysthereafter，Ihaveforgothowmany，whenhegotfullnoticeofthetrickwhichinhisabsencewasdoneuntohim，heinstantlydesistedfromprosecutinglegalprocessesinthebehalfofothers，fullofsolicitudetopursueafterhisownbusiness，lestheshouldbeforeclosed，andthereuponheappearedpersonallyatthetribunalofthegreatJupiter，displayedbeforehimtheimportanceofhisprecedingmerits，togetherwiththeacceptableserviceswhichinobediencetohiscommandmentshehadformerlyperformed；andthereforeinallhumilitybeggedofhimthathewouldbepleasednottoleavehimaloneamongstallthesacredpotentates，destituteandvoidofhonour，reverence，sacrifices，andfestivalceremonies。TothispetitionJupiter\'sanswerwasexcusatory，thatalltheplacesandofficesofhishousewerebestowed。

Nevertheless，soimportunedwashebythecontinualsupplicationsofMonsieurCuckoldry，thathe，infine，placedhimintherank，list，roll，rubric，andcatalogue，andappointedhonours，sacrifices，andfestivalritestobeobservedonearthingreatdevotion，andtenderedtohimwithsolemnity。Thefeast，becausetherewasnovoid，empty，norvacantplaceinallthecalendar，wastobecelebratedjointlywith，andonthesamedaythathadbeenconsecratedtothegoddessJealousy。Hispoweranddominionshouldbeovermarriedfolks，especiallysuchashadhandsomewives。Hissacrificesweretobesuspicion，diffidence，mistrust，aloweringpoutingsullenness，watchings，wardings，researchings，plyings，explorations，togetherwiththewaylayings，ambushes，narrowobservations，andmaliciousdoggingsofthehusband\'sscoutsandespialsofthemostprivyactionsoftheirwives。Herewithaleverymarriedmanwasexpresslyandrigorouslycommandedtoreverence，honour，andworshiphim，tocelebrateandsolemnizehisfestivalwithtwicemorerespectthanthatofanyothersaintordeity，andtoimmolateuntohimwithallsincerityandalacrityofhearttheabove-mentionedsacrificesandoblations，underpainofseverecensures，threatenings，andcomminationsofthesesubsequentfines，mulcts，amerciaments，penalties，andpunishmentstobeinflictedonthedelinquents:thatMonsieurCuckoldryshouldneverbefavourablenorpropitioustothem；thatheshouldneverhelp，aid，supply，succour，norgrantthemanysubventitiousfurtherance，auxiliarysuffrage，oradminicularyassistance；thatheshouldneverholdtheminanyreckoning，account，orestimation；thatheshouldneverdeigntoenterwithintheirhouses，neitheratthedoors，windows，noranyotherplacethereof；thatheshouldneverhauntnorfrequenttheircompaniesorconversations，howfrequentlysoevertheyshouldinvocatehimandcalluponhisname；andthatnotonlyheshouldleaveandabandonthemtorotalonewiththeirwivesinasempiternalsolitariness，withoutthebenefitofthediversionofanycopes-mateorcorrivalatall，butshouldwithalshunandeschewthem，flyfromthem，andeternallyforsakeandrejectthemasimpioushereticsandsacrilegiouspersons，accordingtotheaccustomedmannerofothergodstowardssuchasaretooslackinofferingupthedutiesandreverenceswhichoughttobeperformedrespectivelytotheirdivinities——asisevidentlyapparentinBacchustowardsnegligentvine-dressers；inCeres，againstidleploughmenandtillersoftheground；inPomona，tounworthyfruiterersandcostard-mongers；inNeptune，towardsdissolutemarinersandseafaringmen，inVulcan，towardsloiteringsmithsandforgemen；andsothroughouttherest。Now，onthecontrary，thisinfalliblepromisewasadded，thatuntoallthosewhoshouldmakeaholydayoftheabove-recitedfestival，andceasefromallmannerofworldlyworkandnegotiation，layasidealltheirownmostimportantoccasions，andtobesoretchless，heedless，andcarelessofwhatmightconcernthemanagementoftheirproperaffairsastomindnothingelsebutasuspiciousespyingandpryingintothesecretdeportmentsoftheirwives，andhowtocoop，shutup，holdatunder，anddealcruellyandausterelywiththembyalltheharshnessandhardshipsthatanimplacableandeverywayinexorablejealousycandeviseandsuggest，conformtothesacredordinancesoftheafore-mentionedsacrificesandoblations，heshouldbecontinuallyfavourabletothem，shouldlovethem，sociablyconversewiththem，shouldbedayandnightintheirhouses，andneverleavethemdestituteofhispresence。NowIhavesaid，andyouhaveheardmycure。

Ha，ha，ha！quothCarpalin，laughing；thisisaremedyyetmoreaptandproperthanHansCarvel\'sring。ThedeviltakemeifIdonotbelieveit！

Thehumour，inclination，andnatureofwomenislikethethunder，whoseforceinitsboltorotherwiseburneth，bruiseth，andbreakethonlyhard，massive，andresistingobjects，withoutstayingorstoppingatsoft，empty，andyieldingmatters。Foritpashethintopiecesthesteelswordwithoutdoinganyhurttothevelvetscabbardwhichensheathethit。Itchrushethalsoandconsumeththeboneswithoutwoundingorendamagingthefleshwherewiththeyareveiledandcovered。Justsoitisthatwomenforthegreaterpartneverbendthecontention，subtlety，andcontradictorydispositionoftheirspiritsunlessitbetodowhatisprohibitedandforbidden。

Verily，quothHippothadee，someofourdoctorsaverforatruththatthefirstwomanoftheworld，whomtheHebrewscallEve，hadhardlybeeninducedoralluredintothetemptationofeatingofthefruitoftheTreeofLifeifithadnotbeenforbiddenhersotodo。Andthatyoumaygivethemorecredittothevalidityofthisopinion，considerhowthecautelousandwilytempterdidcommemorateuntoher，foranantecedenttohisenthymeme，theprohibitionwhichwasmadetotasteit，asbeingdesiroustoinferfromthence，Itisforbiddenthee；thereforethoushouldsteatofit，elsethoucanstnotbeawoman。

Chapter3。XXXIV。

Howwomenordinarilyhavethegreatestlongingafterthingsprohibited。

WhenIwas，quothCarpalin，awhoremasteratOrleans，thewholeartofrhetoric，inallitstropesandfigures，wasnotabletoafforduntomeacolourorflourishofgreaterforceandvalue，norcouldIbyanyotherformormannerofelocutionpitchuponamorepersuasiveargumentforbringingyoungbeautifulmarriedladiesintothesnaresofadultery，throughalluringandenticingthemtotastewithmeofamorousdelights，thanwithalivelysprightfulnesstotellthemindownrightterms，andtoremonstratetothemwithagreatshowofdetestationofacrimesohorrid，howtheirhusbandswerejealous。Thiswasnoneofmyinvention。Itiswritten，andwehavelaws，examples，reasons，anddailyexperiencesconfirmativeofthesame。Ifthisbeliefonceenterintotheirnoddles，theirhusbandswillinfalliblybecuckolds；yea，byGod，willthey，withoutswearing，althoughtheyshoulddolikeSemiramis，Pasiphae，Egesta，thewomenoftheIsleMandezinEgypt，andothersuch-likequeanishflirtingharlotsmentionedinthewritingsofHerodotus，Strabo，andsuch-likepuppies。

Truly，quothPonocrates，Ihavehearditrelated，andithathbeentoldmeforaverity，thatPopeJohnXXII。，passingonadaythroughtheAbbeyofToucherome，wasinallhumilityrequiredandbesoughtbytheabbessandotherdiscreetmothersofthesaidconventtograntthemanindulgencebymeanswhereoftheymightconfessthemselvestooneanother，allegingthatreligiouswomenweresubjecttosomepettysecretslipsandimperfectionswhichwouldbeafoulandburningshameforthemtodiscoverandtorevealtomen，howsacerdotalsoevertheirfunctionswere；butthattheywouldfreelier，morefamiliarly，andwithgreatercheerfulness，opentoeachothertheiroffences，faults，andescapesunderthesealofconfession。

Thereisnotanything，answeredthepope，fittingforyoutoimpetrateofmewhichIwouldnotmostwillinglycondescendunto；butIfindoneinconvenience。Youknowconfessionshouldbekeptsecret，andwomenarenotabletodoso。Exceedingwell，quoththey，mostholyfather，andmuchmorecloselythanthebestofmen。

Thesaidpopeontheverysamedaygavetheminkeepingaprettybox，whereinhepurposelycausedalittlelinnettobeput，willingthemverygentlyandcourteouslytolockitupinsomesureandhiddenplace，andpromisingthem，bythefaithofapope，thatheshouldyieldtotheirrequestiftheywouldkeepsecretwhatwasenclosedwithinthatdepositedbox，enjoiningthemwithalnottopresumeonewaynorother，directlyorindirectly，togoabouttheopeningthereof，underpainofthehighestecclesiasticalcensure，eternalexcommunication。Theprohibitionwasnosoonermadebutthattheydidallofthemboilwithamostardentdesiretoknowandseewhatkindofthingitwasthatwaswithinit。Theythoughtlongalreadythatthepopewasnotgone，totheendtheymightjointly，withthemoreleisureandease，applythemselvestothebox-openingcuriosity。

Theholyfather，afterhehadgiventhemhisbenediction，retiredandwithdrewhimselftothepontificallodgingsofhisownpalace。Buthewashardlygonethreestepsfromwithoutthegatesoftheircloisterwhenthegoodladiesthrongingly，andasinahuddledcrowd，pressinghardonthebacksofoneanother，ranthrustingandshovingwhoshouldbefirstatthesettingopenoftheforbiddenboxanddescryingofthequodlatitatwithin。

Ontheverynextdaythereafterthepopemadethemanothervisit，ofafulldesign，purpose，andintention，astheyimagined，todespatchthegrantoftheirsoughtandwished-forindulgence。Butbeforehewouldenterintoanychatorcommuningwiththem，hecommandedthecaskettobebroughtuntohim。Itwasdonesoaccordingly；but，byyourleave，thebirdwasnomorethere。Thenwasitthatthepopedidrepresenttotheirmaternitieshowhardamatteranddifficultitwasforthemtokeepsecretsrevealedtotheminconfessionunmanifestedtotheearsofothers，seeingforthespaceoffour-and-twentyhourstheywerenotabletolayupinsecretaboxwhichhehadhighlyrecommendedtotheirdiscretion，charge，andcustody。

Welcome，ingoodfaith，mydearmaster，welcome！Itdidmegoodtohearyoutalk，theLordbepraisedforall！Idonotremembertohaveseenyoubeforenow，sincethelasttimethatyouactedatMontpellierwithourancientfriends，AnthonySaporra，GuyBourguyer，BalthasarNoyer，Tolet，JohnQuentin，FrancisRobinet，JohnPerdrier，andFrancisRabelais，themoralcomedyofhimwhohadespousedandmarriedadumbwife。Iwasthere，quothEpistemon。Thegoodhonestmanherhusbandwasveryearnestlyurgenttohavethefilletofhertongueuntied，andwouldneedshaveherspeakbyanymeans。Athisdesiresomepainsweretakenonher，andpartlybytheindustryofthephysician，otherpartbytheexpertnessofthesurgeon，theencyliglottewhichshehadunderhertonguebeingcut，shespokeandspokeagain；yea，withinafewhoursshespokesoloud，somuch，sofiercely，andsolong，thatherpoorhusbandreturnedtothesamephysicianforarecipetomakeherholdherpeace。Thereare，quoththephysician，manyproperremediesinourarttomakedumbwomenspeak，buttherearenonethateverIcouldlearnthereintomakethemsilent。TheonlycurewhichIhavefoundoutistheirhusband\'sdeafness。Thewretchbecamewithinfewweeksthereafter，byvirtueofsomedrugs，charms，orenchantmentswhichthephysicianhadprescribeduntohim，sodeafthathecouldnothaveheardthethunderingofnineteenhundredcannonsatasalvo。Hiswifeperceivingthatindeedhewasasdeafasadoor-nail，andthatherscoldingwasbutinvain，siththatheheardhernot，shegrewstarkmad。

Sometimeafterthedoctoraskedforhisfeeofthehusband，whoansweredthattrulyhewasdeaf，andsowasnotabletounderstandwhatthetenourofhisdemandmightbe。Whereupontheleechbedustedhimwithalittle，I

knownotwhat，sortofpowder，whichrenderedhimafoolimmediately，sogreatwasthestultificatingvirtueofthatstrangekindofpulverizeddose。Thendidthisfoolofahusbandandhismadwifejointogether，and，fallingonthedoctorandthesurgeon，didsoscratch，bethwack，andbangthemthattheywerelefthalfdeadupontheplace，sofuriousweretheblowswhichtheyreceived。Ineverinmylifetimelaughedsomuchasattheactingofthatbuffoonery。

Letuscometowhereweleftoff，quothPanurge。Yourwords，beingtranslatedfromtheclapper-dudgeonstoplainEnglish，dosignifythatitisnotveryinexpedientthatImarry，andthatIshouldnotcareforbeingacuckold。Youhavetherehitthenailonthehead。Ibelieve，masterdoctor，thatonthedayofmymarriageyouwillbesomuchtakenupwithyourpatients，orotherwisesoseriouslyemployed，thatweshallnotenjoyyourcompany。Sir，Iwillheartilyexcuseyourabsence。

Stercuseturinamedicisuntprandiaprima。

Exaliispaleas，existiscolligegrana。

Youaremistaken，quothRondibilis，inthesecondverseofourdistich，foritoughttorunthus——

Nobissuntsigna，vobissuntprandiadigna。

Ifmywifeatanytimeprovetobeunwellandillatease，Iwilllookuponthewaterwhichsheshallhavemadeinanurinalglass，quothRondibilis，gropeherpulse，andseethedispositionofherhypogaster，togetherwithherumbilicaryparts——accordingtotheprescriptruleofHippocrates，2。

Aph。35——beforeIproceedanyfurtherinthecureofherdistemper。No，no，quothPanurge，thatwillbebuttolittlepurpose。Suchafeatisforthepracticeofusthatarelawyers，whohavetherubric，Deventreinspiciendo。Donotthereforetroubleyourselfaboutit，masterdoctor；I

willprovideforheraplasterofwarmguts。Donotneglectyourmoreurgentoccasionsotherwhereforcomingtomywedding。Iwillsendyousomesupplyofvictualstoyourownhouse，withoutputtingyoutothetroubleofcomingabroad，andyoushallalwaysbemyspecialfriend。Withthis，approachingsomewhatnearertohim，heclappedintohishand，withoutthespeakingofsomuchasoneword，fourrosenobles。Rondibilisdidshuthisfistuponthemrightkindly；yet，asifithaddispleasedhimtomakeacceptanceofsuchgoldenpresents，heinastart，asifhehadbeenwroth，said，Hehe，he，he，he！therewasnoneedofanything；Ithankyounevertheless。FromwickedfolksInevergetenough，andIfromhonestpeoplerefusenothing。Ishallbealways，sir，atyourcommand。ProvidedthatIpayyouwell，quothPanurge。That，quothRondibilis，isunderstood。

Chapter3。XXXV。

HowthephilosopherTrouilloganhandleththedifficultyofmarriage。

Asthisdiscoursewasended，PantagruelsaidtothephilosopherTrouillogan，Ourloyal，honest，true，andtrustyfriend，thelampfromhandtohandiscometoyou。Itfallethtoyourturntogiveananswer:ShouldPanurge，prayyou，marry，yeaorno？Heshoulddoboth，quothTrouillogan。

Whatsayyou？askedPanurge。Thatwhichyouhaveheard，answeredTrouillogan。WhathaveIheard？repliedPanurge。ThatwhichIhavesaid，repliedTrouillogan。Ha，ha，ha！arewecometothatpass？quothPanurge。

Letitgonevertheless，Idonotvalueitatarush，seeingwecanmakenobetterofthegame。Buthowsoevertellme，ShouldImarryorno？Neithertheonenortheother，answeredTrouillogan。Thedeviltakeme，quothPanurge，iftheseoddanswersdonotmakemedote，andmayhesnatchmepresentlyawayifIdounderstandyou。StayawhileuntilIfastenthesespectaclesofmineonthisleftear，thatImayhearyoubetter。WiththisPantagruelperceivedatthedoorofthegreathall，whichwasthatdaytheirdining-room，Gargantua\'slittledog，whosenamewasKyne；forsowasToby\'sdogcalled，asisrecorded。Thendidhesaytothesewhoweretherepresent，Ourkingisnotfaroff，——letusallrise。

Thatwordwasscarcelysooneruttered，thanthatGargantuawithhisroyalpresencegracedthatbanquetingandstatelyhall。Eachoftheguestsarosetodotheirkingthatreverenceanddutywhichbecamethem。AfterthatGargantuahadmostaffablysalutedallthegentlementherepresent，hesaid，Goodfriends，Ibegthisfavourofyou，andthereinyouwillverymuchobligeme，thatyouleavenottheplaceswhereyousatenorquitthediscourseyouwereupon。Letachairbebroughthitheruntothisendofthetable，andreachmeacupfulofthestrongestandbestwineyouhave，thatImaydrinktoallthecompany。Youare，infaith，allwelcome，gentlemen。Nowletmeknowwhattalkyouwereabout。TothisPantagruelansweredthatatthebeginningofthesecondservicePanurgehadproposedaproblematictheme，towit，whetherheshouldmarry，ornotmarry？thatFatherHippothadeeandDoctorRondibilishadalreadydespatchedtheirresolutionsthereupon；andthat，justashismajestywascomingin，thefaithfulTrouilloganinthedeliveryofhisopinionhaththusfarproceeded，thatwhenPanurgeaskedwhetherheoughttomarry，yeaorno？atfirsthemadethisanswer，Bothtogether。Whenthissamequestionwasagainpropounded，hissecondanswerwas，Neithertheonenortheother。

Panurgeexclaimeththatthoseanswersarefullofrepugnanciesandcontradictions，protestingthatheunderstandsthemnot，norwhatitisthatcanbemeantbythem。IfIbenotmistaken，quothGargantua，I

understanditverywell。Theanswerisnotunliketothatwhichwasoncemadebyaphilosopherinancienttimes，whobeinginterrogatedifhehadawomanwhomtheynamedhimtohiswife？Ihaveher，quothhe，butshehathnotme，——possessingher，byherIamnotpossessed。Suchanotheranswer，quothPantagruel，wasoncemadebyacertainbouncingwenchofSparta，whobeingaskedifatanytimeshehadhadtodowithaman？No，quothshe，butsometimesmenhavehadtodowithme。Wellthen，quothRondibilis，letitbeaneuterinphysic，aswhenwesayabodyisneuter，whenitisneithersicknorhealthful，andameaninphilosophy；that，byanabnegationofbothextremes，andthisbytheparticipationoftheoneandoftheother。

Evenaswhenlukewarmwaterissaidtobebothhotandcold；orrather，aswhentimemakesthepartition，andequallydividesbetwixtthetwo，awhileintheone，anotherwhileaslongintheotheroppositeextremity。TheholyApostle，quothHippothadee，seemeth，asIconceive，tohavemoreclearlyexplainedthispointwhenhesaid，Thosethataremarried，letthembeasiftheywerenotmarried；andthosethathavewives，letthembeasiftheyhadnowivesatall。Ithusinterpret，quothPantagruel，thehavingandnothavingofawife。Tohaveawifeistohavetheuseofherinsuchawayasnaturehathordained，whichisfortheaid，society，andsolaceofman，andpropagatingofhisrace。Tohavenowifeisnottobeuxorious，playthecoward，andbelazyabouther，andnotforhersaketodistainthelustreofthataffectionwhichmanowestoGod，oryetforhertoleavethoseofficesanddutieswhichheowesuntohiscountry，untohisfriendsandkindred，orforhertoabandonandforsakehispreciousstudies，andotherbusinessesofaccount，towaitstillonherwill，herbeck，andherbuttocks。Ifwebepleasedinthissensetotakehavingandnothavingofawife，weshallindeedfindnorepugnancynorcontradictioninthetermsatall。

Chapter3。XXXVI。

AcontinuationoftheansweroftheEphecticandPyrrhonianphilosopherTrouillogan。

Youspeakwisely，quothPanurge，ifthemoonweregreencheese。Suchataleoncepissedmygoose。IdonotthinkbutthatIamletdownintothatdarkpitinthelowermostbottomwhereofthetruthwashid，accordingtothesayingofHeraclitus。Iseenowhitatall，Ihearnothing，understandaslittle，mysensesarealtogetherdulledandblunted；trulyIdoveryshrewdlysuspectthatIamenchanted。Iwillnowaltertheformerstyleofmydiscourse，andtalktohiminanotherstrain。Ourtrustyfriend，stirnot，norimburseany；butletusvarythechance，andspeakwithoutdisjunctives。Iseealreadythattheselooseandill-joinedmembersofanenunciationdovex，trouble，andperplexyou。

Nowgoon，inthenameofGod！ShouldImarry？

Trouillogan。Thereissomelikelihoodtherein。

Panurge。ButifIdonotmarry？

Trouil。Iseeinthatnoinconvenience。

Pan。Youdonot？

Trouil。None，truly，ifmyeyesdeceivemenot。

Pan。Yea，butIfindmorethanfivehundred。

Trouil。Reckonthem。

Pan。Thisisanimproprietyofspeech，Iconfess；forIdonomoretherebybuttakeacertainforanuncertainnumber，andpositthedeterminatetermforwhatisindeterminate。WhenIsay，therefore，fivehundred，mymeaningismany。

Trouil。Ihearyou。

Pan。Isitpossibleformetolivewithoutawife，inthenameofallthesubterraneandevils？

Trouil。Awaywiththesefilthybeasts。

Pan。Letitbe，then，inthenameofGod；formySalmigondinishpeopleusetosay，Toliealone，withoutawife，iscertainlyabrutishlife。AndsuchalifealsowasitasseveredtobebyDidoinherlamentations。

Trouil。Atyourcommand。

Pan。Bythepodycody，Ihavefishedfair；wherearewenow？Butwillyoutellme？ShallImarry？

Trouil。Perhaps。

Pan。ShallIthriveorspeedwellwithal？

Trouil。Accordingtotheencounter。

Pan。ButifinmyadventureIencounteraright，asIhopeIwill，shallIbefortunate？

Trouil。Enough。

Pan。Letusturnthecleancontraryway，andbrushourformerwordsagainstthewool:whatifIencounterill？

Trouil。Thenblamenotme。

Pan。But，ofcourtesy，bepleasedtogivemesomeadvice。Iheartilybeseechyou，whatmustIdo？

Trouil。Evenwhatthouwilt。

Pan。Wishy，washy；trolly，trolly。

Trouil。Donotinvocatethenameofanything，Iprayyou。

Pan。InthenameofGod，letitbeso！Myactionsshallberegulatedbytheruleandsquareofyourcounsel。Whatisitthatyouadviseandcounselmetodo？

Trouil。Nothing。

Pan。ShallImarry？

Trouil。Ihavenohandinit。

Pan。ThenshallInotmarry？

Trouil。Icannothelpit。

Pan。IfInevermarry，Ishallneverbeacuckold。

Trouil。Ithoughtso。

Pan。ButputthecasethatIbemarried。

Trouil。Whereshallweputit？

Pan。Admititbeso，then，andtakemymeaninginthatsense。

Trouil。Iamotherwiseemployed。

Pan。Bythedeathofahog，andmotherofatoad，OLord！ifIdursthazarduponalittleflingattheswearinggame，thoughprivilyandunderthumb，itwouldlightentheburdenofmyheartandeasemylightsandreinsexceedingly。Alittlepatienceneverthelessisrequisite。Wellthen，ifI

marry，Ishallbeacuckold。

Trouil。Onewouldsayso。

Pan。Yetifmywifeproveavirtuous，wise，discreet，andchastewoman，Ishallneverbecuckolded。

Trouil。Ithinkyouspeakcongruously。

Pan。Hearken。

Trouil。Asmuchasyouwill。

Pan。Willshebediscreetandchaste？ThisistheonlypointIwouldberesolvedin。

Trouil。Iquestionit。

Pan。Youneversawher？

Trouil。NotthatIknowof。

Pan。Whydoyouthendoubtofthatwhichyouknownot？

Trouil。Foracause。

Pan。Andifyoushouldknowher。

Trouil。Yetmore。

Pan。Page，myprettylittledarling，takeheremycap，——Igiveitthee。

Haveacareyoudonotbreakthespectaclesthatareinit。Godowntothelowercourt。Sweartherehalfanhourforme，andIshallincompensationofthatfavourswearhereafterfortheeasmuchasthouwilt。Butwhoshallcuckoldme？

Trouil。Somebody。

Pan。BythebellyofthewoodenhorseatTroy，MasterSomebody，Ishallbang，belamthee，andclawtheewellforthylabour。

Trouil。Yousayso。

Pan。Nay，nay，thatNickinthedarkcellar，whohathnowhiteinhiseye，carrymequiteawaywithhimif，inthatcase，whensoeverIgoabroadfromthepalaceofmydomesticresidence，Idonot，withasmuchcircumspectionastheyusetoringmaresinourcountrytokeepthemfrombeingsalliedbystonedhorses，clapaBergamascolockuponmywife。

Trouil。Talkbetter。

Pan。Itisbienchien，chiechante，wellcackedandcackled，shitten，andsunginmatteroftalk。Letusresolveonsomewhat。

Trouil。Idonotgainsayit。

Pan。Havealittlepatience。SeeingIcannotonthissidedrawanybloodofyou，IwilltryifwiththelancetofmyjudgmentIbeabletobleedyouinanothervein。Areyoumarried，orareyounot？

Trouil。Neithertheonenortheother，andbothtogether。

Pan。OthegoodGodhelpus！Bythedeathofabuffle-ox，IsweatwiththetoilandtravailthatIamputto，andfindmydigestionbrokeoff，disturbed，andinterrupted，forallmyphrenes，metaphrenes，anddiaphragms，back，belly，midriff，muscles，veins，andsinewsareheldinasuspenseandforawhiledischargedfromtheirproperofficestostretchforththeirseveralpowersandabilitiesforincornifistibulatingandlayingupintothehamperofmyunderstandingyourvarioussayingsandanswers。

Trouil。Ishallbenohindererthereof。

Pan。Tush，forshame！Ourfaithfulfriend，speak；areyoumarried？

Trouil。Ithinkso。

Pan。Youwerealsomarriedbeforeyouhadthiswife？

Trouil。Itispossible。

Pan。Hadyougoodluckinyourfirstmarriage？

Trouil。Itisnotimpossible。

Pan。Howthriveyouwiththissecondwifeofyours？

Trouil。Evenasitpleasethmyfataldestiny。

Pan。Butwhat，ingoodearnest？Tellme——doyouprosperwellwithher？

Trouil。Itislikely。

Pan。Comeon，inthenameofGod。Ivow，bytheburdenofSaintChristopher，thatIhadratherundertakethefetchingofafartforthofthebellyofadeadassthantodrawoutofyouapositiveanddeterminateresolution。YetshallIbesureatthistimetohaveasnatchatyou，andgetmyclawsoveryou。Ourtrustyfriend，letusshamethedevilofhell，andconfesstheverity。Wereyoueveracuckold？Isay，youwhoarehere，andnotthatotheryouwhoplayethbelowinthetennis-court？

Trouil。No，ifitwasnotpredestinated。

Pan。Bytheflesh，blood，andbody，Iswear，reswear，forswear，abjure，andrenounce，heevadesandavoids，shifts，andescapesme，andquiteslipsandwindshimselfoutofmygripsandclutches。

AtthesewordsGargantuaaroseandsaid，PraisedbethegoodGodinallthings，butespeciallyforbringingtheworldintothatheightofrefinednessbeyondwhatitwaswhenIfirstcametobeacquaintedtherewith，thatnowthelearnedstandmostprudentphilosophersarenotashamedtobeseenenteringinattheporchesandfrontispiecesoftheschoolsofthePyrrhonian，Aporrhetic，Sceptic，andEphecticsects。

BlessedbetheholynameofGod！Veritably，itislikehenceforthtobefoundanenterpriseofmuchmoreeasyundertakingtocatchlionsbytheneck，horsesbythemain，oxenbythehorns，bullsbythemuzzle，wolvesbythetail，goatsbythebeard，andflyingbirdsbythefeet，thantoentrapsuchphilosophersintheirwords。Farewell，myworthy，dear，andhonestfriends。

Whenhehaddonethusspeaking，hewithdrewhimselffromthecompany。

Pantagruelandotherswithhimwouldhavefollowedandaccompaniedhim，buthewouldnotpermitthemsotodo。NosoonerwasGargantuadepartedoutofthebanqueting-hallthanthatPantagruelsaidtotheinvitedguests:

Plato\'sTimaeus，atthebeginningalwaysofasolemnfestivalconvention，waswonttocountthosethatwerecalledthereto。We，onthecontrary，shallattheclosureandendofthistreatmentreckonupournumber。One，two，three；whereisthefourth？ImissmyfriendBridlegoose。Wasnothesentfor？Epistemonansweredthathehadbeenathishousetobidandinvitehim，butcouldnotmeetwithhim；forthatamessengerfromtheparliamentofMirlingois，inMirlingues，wascometohimwithawritofsummonstociteandwarnhimpersonallytoappearbeforethereverendsenatorsofthehighcourtthere，tovindicateandjustifyhimselfatthebarofthecrimeofprevaricationlaidtohischarge，andtobeperemptorilyinstancedagainsthiminacertaindecree，judgment，orsentencelatelyawarded，given，andpronouncedbyhim；andthat，therefore，hehadtakenhorseanddepartedingreathastefromhisownhouse，totheendthatwithoutperilordangeroffallingintoadefaultorcontumacyhemightbethebetterabletokeeptheprefixedandappointedtime。

Iwill，quothPantagruel，understandhowthatmattergoeth。ItisnowabovefortyyearsthathehathbeenconstantlythejudgeofFonsbeton，duringwhichspaceoftimehehathgivenfourthousanddefinitivesentences，oftwothousandthreehundredandninewhereof，althoughappealwasmadebythepartieswhomhehadjudiciallycondemnedfromhisinferiorjudicatorytothesupremecourtoftheparliamentofMirlingois，inMirlingues，theywereallofthemneverthelessconfirmed，ratified，andapprovedofbyanorder，decree，andfinalsentenceofthesaidsovereigncourt，tothecastingoftheappellants，andutteroverthrowofthesuitswhereintheyhadbeenfoiledatlaw，foreverandaday。Thatnowinhisoldageheshouldbepersonallysummoned，whoinalltheforegoingtimeofhislifehathdemeanedhimselfsounblamablyinthedischargeoftheofficeandvocationhehadbeencalledunto，itcannotassuredlybethatsuchachangehathhappenedwithoutsomenotoriousmisfortuneanddisaster。Iamresolvedtohelpandassisthiminequityandjusticetotheuttermostextentofmypowerandability。Iknowthemalice，despite，andwickednessoftheworldtobesomuchmorenowadaysexasperated，increased，andaggravatedbywhatitwasnotlongsince，thatthebestcausethatis，howjustandequitablesoeveritbe，standethingreatneedtobesuccoured，aided，andsupported。Thereforepresently，fromthisveryinstantforth，doIpurpose，tillIseetheeventandclosurethereof，mostheedfullytoattendandwaituponit，forfearofsomeunderhandtrickysurprisal，cavillingpettifoggery，orfallaciousquirksinlaw，tohisdetriment，hurt，ordisadvantage。

Thendinnerbeingdone，andthetablesdrawnandremoved，whenPantagruelhadverycordiallyandaffectionatelythankedhisinvitedguestsforthefavourwhichhehadenjoyedoftheircompany，hepresentedthemwithseveralrichandcostlygifts，suchasjewels，ringssetwithpreciousstones，goldandsilvervessels，withagreatdealofothersortofplatebesides，andlastly，takingofthemallhisleave，retiredhimselfintoaninnerchamber。

Chapter3。XXXVII。

HowPantagruelpersuadedPanurgetotakecounselofafool。

WhenPantagruelhadwithdrawnhimself，he，byalittleslopingwindowinoneofthegalleries，perceivedPanurgeinalobbynotfarfromthence，walkingalone，withthegesture，carriage，andgarbofafonddotard，raving，wagging，andshakinghishands，dandling，lolling，andnoddingwithhishead，likeacowbellowingforhercalf；and，havingthencalledhimnearer，spokeuntohimthus:Youareatthispresent，asIthink，notunliketoamouseentangledinasnare，whothemorethatshegoethabouttoridandunwindherselfoutoftheginwhereinsheiscaught，byendeavouringtoclearanddeliverherfeetfromthepitchwheretotheystick，thefouliersheisbewrayedwithit，andthemorestronglypesteredtherein。Evensoisitwithyou。Forthemorethatyoulabour，strive，andenforceyourselftodisencumberandextricateyourthoughtsoutoftheimplicatinginvolutionsandfetteringsofthegrievousandlamentableginsandspringsofanguishandperplexity，thegreaterdifficultythereisintherelievingofyou，andyouremainfasterboundthanever。NordoIknowfortheremovalofthisinconveniencyanyremedybutone。

Takeheed，Ihaveoftenhearditsaidinavulgarproverb，Thewisemaybeinstructedbyafool。Seeingtheanswersandresponsesofsageandjudiciousmenhaveinnomannerofwaysatisfiedyou，takeadviceofsomefool，andpossiblybysodoingyoumaycometogetthatcounselwhichwillbeagreeabletoyourownheart\'sdesireandcontentment。Youknowhowbytheadviceandcounselandpredictionoffools，manykings，princes，states，andcommonwealthshavebeenpreserved，severalbattlesgained，anddiversdoubtsofamostperplexedintricacyresolved。Iamnotsodiffidentofyourmemoryastoholditneedfultorefreshitwithaquotationofexamples，nordoIsofarundervalueyourjudgmentbutthatI

thinkitwillacquiesceinthereasonofthismysubsequentdiscourse。Ashewhonarrowlytakesheedtowhatconcernsthedexterousmanagementofhisprivateaffairs，domesticbusinesses，andthoseadoeswhichareconfinedwithinthestrait-lacedcompassofonefamily，whoisattentive，vigilant，andactiveintheeconomicruleofhisownhouse，whosefrugalspiritneverstraysfromhome，wholosethnooccasionwherebyhemaypurchasetohimselfmoreriches，andbuildupnewheapsoftreasureonhisformerwealth，andwhoknowswarilyhowtopreventtheinconveniencesofpoverty，iscalledaworldlywiseman，thoughperhapsinthesecondjudgmentoftheintelligenceswhichareabovehebeesteemedafool，——so，onthecontrary，ishemostlike，eveninthethoughtsofallcelestialspirits，tobenotonlysage，buttopresageeventstocomebydivineinspiration，wholayingquiteasidethosecareswhichareconducibletohisbodyorhisfortunes，and，asitwere，departingfromhimself，ridsallhissensesofterreneaffections，andclearshisfanciesofthoseploddingstudieswhichharbourinthemindsofthrivingmen。Allwhichneglectsofsublunarythingsarevulgarilyimputedfolly。Afterthismanner，thesonofPicus，KingoftheLatins，thegreatsoothsayerFaunus，wascalledFatuusbythewitlessrabbleofthecommonpeople。Thelikewedailyseepractisedamongstthecomicplayers，whosedramaticroles，indistributionofthepersonages，appointtheactingofthefooltohimwhoisthewisestofthetroop。Inapprobationalsoofthisfashionthemathematiciansallowtheverysamehoroscopetoprincesandtosots。WhereofarightpregnantinstancebythemisgiveninthenativitiesofAeneasandChoroebus；thelatterofwhichtwoisbyEuphorionsaidtohavebeenafool，andyethadwiththeformerthesameaspectsandheavenlygenethliacinfluences。

Ishallnot，Isuppose，swervemuchfromthepurposeinhand，ifIrelateuntoyouwhatJohnAndrewsaiduponthereturnofapapalwrit，whichwasdirectedtothemayorandburgessesofRochelle，andafterhimbyPanorme，uponthesamepontificalcanon；BarbatiasonthePandects，andrecentlybyJasoninhisCouncils，concerningSeynyJohn，thenotedfoolofParis，andCaillet\'sforegreat-grandfather。Thecaseisthis。

AtParis，intheroastmeatcookeryofthePetitChastelet，beforethecookshopofoneoftheroastmeatsellersofthatlane，acertainhungryporterwaseatinghisbread，afterhehadbyparcelskeptitawhileabovethereekandsteamofafatgooseonthespit，turningatagreatfire，andfoundit，sobesmokedwiththevapour，tobesavoury；whichthecookobserving，tooknonotice，tillafterhavingravinedhispennyloaf，whereofnomorselhadbeenunsmokified，hewasaboutdecampingandgoingaway。But，byyourleave，asthefellowthoughttohavedepartedthenceshot-free，themaster-cooklaidholduponhimbythegorget，anddemandedpaymentforthesmokeofhisroastmeat。Theporteranswered，thathehadsustainednolossatall；thatbywhathehaddonetherewasnodiminutionmadeoftheflesh；thathehadtakennothingofhis，andthatthereforehewasnotindebtedtohiminanything。Asforthesmokeinquestion，that，althoughhehadnotbeenthere，itwouldhowsoeverhavebeenevaporated；

besides，thatbeforethattimeithadneverbeenseennorheardthatroastmeatsmokewassolduponthestreetsofParis。Thecookheretoreplied，thathewasnotobligednoranywayboundtofeedandnourishfornoughtaporterwhomhehadneverseenbeforewiththesmokeofhisroastmeat，andthereuponsworethatifhewouldnotforthwithcontentandsatisfyhimwithpresentpaymentfortherepastwhichhehadtherebygot，thathewouldtakehiscrookedstavesfromoffhisback；which，insteadofhavingloadsthereafterlaiduponthem，shouldserveforfueltohiskitchenfires。Whilsthewasgoingaboutsotodo，andtohavepulledthemtohimbyoneofthebottomrungswhichhehadcaughtinhishand，thesturdyportergotoutofhisgrip，drewforththeknottycudgel，andstoodtohisowndefence。Thealtercationwaxedhotinwords，whichmovedthegapinghoidensofthesottishParisianstorunfromallpartsthereabouts，toseewhattheissuewouldbeofthatbabblingstrifeandcontention。Intheinterimofthisdispute，toverygoodpurposeSeynyJohn，thefoolandcitizenofParis，happenedtobethere，whomthecookperceiving，saidtotheporter，WiltthoureferandsubmituntothenobleSeynyJohnthedecisionofthedifferenceandcontroversywhichisbetwixtus？Yes，bythebloodofagoose，answeredtheporter，Iamcontent。SeynyJohnthefool，findingthatthecookandporterhadcompromisedthedeterminationoftheirvarianceanddebatetothediscretionofhisawardandarbitrament，afterthatthereasonsoneithersidewhereuponwasgroundedthemutualfiercenessoftheirbrawlingjarhadbeentothefulldisplayedandlaidopenbeforehim，commandedtheportertodrawoutofthefobofhisbeltapieceormoney，ifhehadit。Whereupontheporterimmediatelywithoutdelay，inreverencetotheauthorityofsuchajudiciousumpire，putthetenthpartofasilverPhilipintohishand。ThislittlePhilipSeynyJohntook；thensetitonhisleftshoulder，totrybyfeelingifitwasofasufficientweight。Afterthat，layingitonthepalmofhishand，hemadeitringandtingle，tounderstandbytheearifitwasofagoodalloyinthemetalwhereofitwascomposed。Thereafterheputittotheballorappleofhislefteye，toexplorebythesightifitwaswellstampedandmarked；allwhichbeingdone，inaprofoundsilenceofthewholedoltishpeoplewhoweretherespectatorsofthispageantry，tothegreathopeofthecook\'sanddespairoftheporter\'sprevalencyinthesuitthatwasinagitation，hefinallycausedtheportertomakeitsoundseveraltimesuponthestallofthecook\'sshop。Thenwithapresidentialmajestyholdinghisbaublesceptre-likeinhishand，mufflinghisheadwithahoodofmartenskins，eachsidewhereofhadtheresemblanceofanape\'sfacesprucifiedupwithearsofpastedpaper，andhavingabouthisneckabuckedruff，raised，furrowed，andridgedwithpointingsticksoftheshapeandfashionofsmallorganpipes，hefirstwithalltheforceofhislungscoughedtwoorthreetimes，andthenwithanaudiblevoicepronouncedthisfollowingsentence:

Thecourtdeclareththattheporterwhoatehisbreadatthesmokeoftheroast，hathcivillypaidthecookwiththesoundofhismoney。Andthesaidcourtordaineththateveryonereturntohisownhome，andattendhisproperbusiness，withoutcostandcharges，andforacause。Thisverdict，award，andarbitramentoftheParisianfooldidappearsoequitable，yea，soadmirabletotheaforesaiddoctors，thattheyverymuchdoubtedifthematterhadbeenbroughtbeforethesessionsforjusticeofthesaidplace，orthatthejudgesoftheRotaatRomehadbeenumpirestherein，oryetthattheAreopagitesthemselveshadbeenthedecidersthereof，ifbyanyonepart，orallofthemtogether，ithadbeensojudiciallysententiatedandawarded。Thereforeadvise，ifyouwillbecounselledbyafool。