第13章

Chapter3。XXIV。

HowPanurgeconsultethwithEpistemon。

HavingleftthetownofVillomere，astheywereupontheirreturntowardsPantagruel，Panurge，inaddressinghisdiscoursetoEpistemon，spokethus:

Mymostancientfriendandgossip，thouseesttheperplexityofmythoughts，andknowestmanyremediesfortheremovalthereof；artthounotabletohelpandsuccourme？Epistemon，thereupontakingthespeechinhand，representeduntoPanurgehowtheopenvoiceandcommonfameofthewholecountrydidrunuponnootherdiscoursebutthederisionandmockeryofhisnewdisguise；whereforehiscounseluntohimwasthathewouldinthefirstplacebepleasedtomakeuseofalittlehelleboreforthepurgingofhisbrainofthatpeccanthumourwhich，throughthatextravagantandfantasticmummeryofhis，hadfurnishedthepeoplewithatoojustoccasionoffloutingandgibing，jeeringandscoffinghim，andthatnexthewouldresumehisordinaryfashionofaccoutrement，andgoapparelledashewaswonttodo。Iam，quothPanurge，mydeargossipEpistemon，ofamindandresolutiontomarry，butamafraidofbeingacuckoldandtobeunfortunateinmywedlock。ForthiscausehaveImadeavowtoyoungSt。

Francis——whoatPlessis-les-Toursismuchreverencedofallwomen，earnestlycrieduntobythem，andwithgreatdevotion，forhewasthefirstfounderoftheconfraternityofgoodmen，whomtheynaturallycovet，affect，andlongfor——towearspectaclesinmycap，andtocarrynocodpieceinmybreeches，untilthepresentinquietudeandperturbationofmyspiritsbefullysettled。

Truly，quothEpistemon，thatisaprettyjollyvowofthirteentoadozen。

Itisashametoyou，andIwondermuchatit，thatyoudonotreturnuntoyourself，andrecallyoursensesfromthistheirwildswervingandstrayingabroadtothatrestandstillnesswhichbecomesavirtuousman。Thiswhimsicalconceitofyoursbringsmetotheremembranceofasolemnpromisemadebytheshag-hairedArgives，who，havingintheircontroversyagainsttheLacedaemoniansfortheterritoryofThyrea，lostthebattlewhichtheyhopedshouldhavedecideditfortheiradvantage，vowedtocarryneveranyhairontheirheadstillpreallablytheyhadrecoveredthelossofboththeirhonourandlands。AslikewisetothememoryofthevowofapleasantSpaniardcalledMichaelDoris，whovowedtocarryinhishatapieceoftheshinofhislegtillheshouldberevengedofhimwhohadstruckitoff。

YetdonotIknowwhichofthesetwodeservethmosttowearagreenandyellowhoodwithahare\'searstiedtoit，eithertheaforesaidvaingloriouschampion，orthatEnguerrant，whohavingforgottheartandmannerofwritinghistoriessetdownbytheSamosatianphilosopher，makethamosttediouslylongnarrativeandrelationthereof。For，atthefirstreadingofsuchaprofusediscourse，onewouldthinkithadbeenbroachedfortheintroducingofastoryofgreatimportanceandmomentconcerningthewagingofsomeformidablewar，orthenotablechangeandmutationofpotentstatesandkingdoms；but，inconclusion，theworldlaughethatthecapriciouschampion，attheEnglishmanwhohadaffrontedhim，asalsoattheirscribblerEnguerrant，moredrivellingatthemouththanamustardpot。ThejestandscornthereofisnotunliketothatofthemountainofHorace，whichbythepoetwasmadetocryoutandlamentmostenormouslyasawomaninthepangsandlabourofchild-birth，atwhichdeplorableandexorbitantcriesandlamentationsthewholeneighbourhoodbeingassembledinexpectationtoseesomemarvellousmonstrousproduction，couldatlastperceivenootherbutthepaltry，ridiculousmouse。

Yourmousing，quothPanurge，willnotmakemeleavemymusingwhyfolksshouldbesofrumpishlydisposed，seeingIamcertainlypersuadedthatsomefloutwhomerittobefloutedat；yet，asmyvowimports，sowillIdo。Itisnowalongtimesince，byJupiterPhilos(Amistakeofthetranslator\'s——M。)，wedidswearfaithandamitytooneanother。Givemeyouradvice，billy，andtellmeyouropinionfreely，ShouldImarryorno？

Truly，quothEpistemon，thecaseishazardous，andthedangersoeminentlyapparentthatIfindmyselftooweakandinsufficienttogiveyouapunctualandperemptoryresolutiontherein；andifeveritwastruethatjudgmentisdifficultinmattersofthemedicinalart，whatwassaidbyHippocratesofLango，itiscertainlysointhiscase。Trueitisthatinmybraintherearesomerollingfancies，bymeanswhereofsomewhatmaybepitcheduponofaseemingefficacytothedisentanglingyourmindofthosedubiousapprehensionswherewithitisperplexed；buttheydonotthoroughlysatisfyme。SomeofthePlatonicsectaffirmthatwhosoeverisabletoseehispropergeniusmayknowhisowndestiny。Iunderstandnottheirdoctrine，nordoIthinkthatyouadheretothem；thereisapalpableabuse。IhaveseentheexperienceofitinaverycuriousgentlemanofthecountryofEstangourre。Thisisoneofthepoints。Thereisyetanothernotmuchbetter。IftherewereanyauthoritynowintheoraclesofJupiterAmmon；ofApolloinLebadia，Delphos，Delos，Cyrra，Patara，Tegyres，Preneste，Lycia，Colophon，orintheCastalianFountain；nearAntiochiainSyria，betweentheBranchidians；ofBacchusinDodona；ofMercuryinPhares，nearPatras；ofApisinEgypt；ofSerapisinCanope；ofFaunusinMenalia，andAlbuneanearTivoli；ofTiresiasinOrchomenus；ofMopsusinCilicia；ofOrpheusinLesbos，andofTrophoniusinLeucadia；Iwouldinthatcaseadviseyou，andpossiblynot，togothitherfortheirjudgmentconcerningthedesignandenterpriseyouhaveinhand。ButyouknowthattheyareallofthembecomeasdumbassomanyfishessincetheadventofthatSaviourKingwhosecomingtothisworldhathmadealloraclesandpropheciestocease；astheapproachofthesun\'sradiantbeamsexpellethgoblins，bugbears，hobthrushes，broams，screech-owl-mates，night-walkingspirits，andtenebrions。Thesenowaregone；butalthoughtheywereasyetincontinuanceandinthesamepower，rule，andrequestthatformerlytheywere，yetwouldnotIcounselyoutobetoocredulousinputtinganytrustintheirresponses。Toomanyfolkshavebeendeceivedthereby。ItstandsfurthermoreuponrecordhowAgrippinadidchargethefairLolliawiththecrimeofhavinginterrogatedtheoracleofApolloClarius，tounderstandifsheshouldbeatanytimemarriedtotheEmperorClaudius；forwhichcauseshewasfirstbanished，andthereafterputtoashamefulandignominiousdeath。

But，saithPanurge，letusdobetter。TheOgygianIslandsarenotfardistantfromthehavenofSammalo。Letus，afterthatweshallhavespokentoourking，makeavoyagethither。Inoneofthesefourisles，towit，thatwhichhathitsprimestaspecttowardsthesunsetting，itisreported，andIhavereadingoodantiqueandauthenticauthors，thatthereresidemanysoothsayers，fortune-tellers，vaticinators，prophets，anddivinersofthingstocome；thatSaturninhabiteththatplace，boundwithfairchainsofgoldandwithintheconcavityofagoldenrock，beingnourishedwithdivineambrosiaandnectar，whicharedailyingreatstoreandabundancetransmittedtohimfromtheheavens，byIdonotwellknowwhatkindoffowls，——itmaybethattheyarethesameravenswhichinthedesertsaresaidtohavefedSt。Paul，thefirsthermit，——heveryclearlyforetellethuntoeveryonewhoisdesiroustobecertifiedoftheconditionofhislotwhathisdestinywillbe，andwhatfuturechancetheFateshaveordainedforhim；fortheParcae，orWeirdSisters，donottwist，spin，ordrawoutathread，noryetdothJupiterperpend，project，ordeliberateanythingwhichthegoodoldcelestialfatherknowethnottothefull，evenwhilstheisasleep。Thiswillbeaverysummaryabbreviationofourlabour，ifwebuthearkenuntohimalittleupontheseriousdebateandcanvassingofthismyperplexity。Thatis，answeredEpistemon，agullerytooevident，aplainabuseandfibtoofabulous。Iwillnotgo，notI；Iwillnotgo。

Chapter3。XXV。

HowPanurgeconsultethwithHerrTrippa。

Nevertheless，quothEpistemon，continuinghisdiscourse，Iwilltellyouwhatyoumaydo，ifyoubelieveme，beforewereturntoourking。Hardbyhere，intheBrown-wheat(Bouchart)Island，dwellethHerrTrippa。Youknowhowbytheartsofastrology，geomancy，chiromancy，metopomancy，andothersofalikestuffandnature，heforetellethallthingstocome；letustalkalittle，andconferwithhimaboutyourbusiness。Ofthat，answeredPanurge，Iknownothing；butofthismuchconcerninghimIamassured，thatoneday，andthatnotlongsince，whilsthewaspratingtothegreatkingofcelestial，sublime，andtranscendentthings，thelacqueysandfootboysofthecourt，upontheupperstepsofstairsbetweentwodoors，jumbled，oneafteranother，asoftenastheylisted，hiswife，whoispassablefair，andaprettysnughussy。Thushewhoseemedveryclearlytoseeallheavenlyandterrestrialthingswithoutspectacles，whodiscoursedboldlyofadventurespast，withgreatconfidenceopeneduppresentcasesandaccidents，andstoutlyprofessedthepresagingofallfutureeventsandcontingencies，wasnotable，withalltheskillandcunningthathehad，toperceivethebumbastingofhiswife，whomhereputedtobeverychaste，andhathnottillthishourgotnoticeofanythingtothecontrary。Yetletusgotohim，seeingyouwillhaveitso；forsurelywecanneverlearntoomuch。TheyontheverynextensuingdaycametoHerrTrippa\'slodging。

Panurge，bywayofdonative，presentedhimwithalonggownlinedallthroughwithwolf-skins，withashortswordmountedwithagildedhiltandcoveredwithavelvetscabbard，andwithfiftygoodsingleangels；theninafamiliarandfriendlywaydidheaskofhimhisopiniontouchingtheaffair。AttheveryfirstHerrTrippa，lookingonhimverywistlyintheface，saiduntohim:Thouhastthemetoposcopyandphysiognomyofacuckold，——Isay，ofanotoriousandinfamouscuckold。Withthis，castinganeyeuponPanurge\'srighthandinallthepartsthereof，hesaid，ThisruggeddraughtwhichIseehere，justunderthemountofJove，wasneveryetbutinthehandofacuckold。Afterwards，hewithawhiteleadpenswiftlyandhastilydrewacertainnumberofdiversekindsofpoints，whichbyrulesofgeomancyhecoupledandjoinedtogether；thensaid:Truthitselfisnottruerthanthatitiscertainthouwiltbeacuckoldalittleafterthymarriage。Thatbeingdone，heaskedofPanurgethehoroscopeofhisnativity，whichwasnosoonerbyPanurgetendereduntohim，thanthat，erectingafigure，heverypromptlyandspeedilyformedandfashionedacompletefabricofthehousesofheaveninalltheirparts，whereofwhenhehadconsideredthesituationandtheaspectsintheirtriplicities，hefetchedadeepsigh，andsaid:Ihaveclearlyenoughalreadydiscovereduntoyouthefateofyourcuckoldry，whichisunavoidable，youcannotescapeit。AndherehaveIgotofnewafurtherassurancethereof，sothatImaynowhardilypronounceandaffirm，withoutanyscrupleorhesitationatall，thatthouwiltbeacuckold；thatfurthermore，thouwiltbebeatenbythineownwife，andthatshewillpurloin，filchandstealofthygoodsfromthee；forIfindtheseventhhouse，inallitsaspects，ofamalignantinfluence，andeveryoneoftheplanetsthreateningtheewithdisgrace，accordingastheystandseatedtowardsoneanother，inrelationtothehornedsignsofAries，Taurus，andCapricorn。InthefourthhouseIfindJupiterinadecadence，asalsoinatetragonalaspecttoSaturn，associatedwithMercury。Thouwiltbesoundlypeppered，mygood，honestfellow，Iwarrantthee。Iwillbe？answeredPanurge。Aplaguerotthee，thouoldfoolanddotingsot，howgracelessandunpleasantthouart！Whenallcuckoldsshallbeatageneralrendezvous，thoushouldstbetheirstandard-bearer。Butwhencecomesthisciron-wormbetwixtthesetwofingers？ThisPanurgesaid，puttingtheforefingerofhislefthandbetwixttheforeandmidfingeroftheright，whichhethrustouttowardsHerrTrippa，holdingthemopenafterthemanneroftwohorns，andshuttingintohisfisthisthumbwiththeotherfingers。Then，inturningtoEpistemon，hesaid:LoherethetrueOlusofMartial，whoaddictedanddevotedhimselfwhollytotheobservingthemiseries，crosses，andcalamitiesofothers，whilsthisownwife，intheinterim，didkeepanopenbawdy-house。ThisvarletispoorerthaneverwasIrus，andyetheisproud，vaunting，arrogant，self-conceited，overweening，andmoreinsupportablethanseventeendevils；inoneword，(Greek)，whichtermofoldwasappliedtothelikebeggarlystruttingcoxcombs。Come，letusleavethismadpashbedlam，thishairbrainedfop，andgivehimleavetoraveanddosehisbellyfulwithhisprivateandintimatelyacquainteddevils，who，iftheywerenottheveryworstofallinfernalfiends，wouldneverhavedeignedtoservesuchaknavishbarkingcurasthisis。Hehathnotlearntthefirstpreceptofphilosophy，whichis，Knowthyself；forwhilsthebraggethandboasteththathecandiscerntheleastmoteintheeyeofanother，heisnotabletoseethehugeblockthatputsoutthesightofbothhiseyes。ThisissuchanotherPolypragmonasisbyPlutarchdescribed。HeisofthenatureoftheLamianwitches，whoinforeignplaces，inthehousesofstrangers，inpublic，andamongstthecommonpeople，hadasharperandmorepiercinginspectionintotheiraffairsthananylynx，butathomeintheirownproperdwelling-mansionswereblinderthanmoldwarps，andsawnothingatall。Fortheircustomwas，attheirreturnfromabroad，whentheywerebythemselvesinprivate，totaketheireyesoutoftheirhead，fromwhencetheywereaseasilyremovableasapairofspectaclesfromtheirnose，andtolaythemupintoawoodenslipperwhichforthatpurposedidhangbehindthedooroftheirlodging。

Panurgehadnosoonerdonespeaking，whenHerrTrippatookintohishandatamariskbranch。Inthis，quothEpistemon，hedothverywell，right，andlikeanartist，forNicandercallethitthedivinatorytree。Haveyouamind，quothHerrTrippa，tohavethetruthofthematteryetmorefullyandamplydiscloseduntoyoubypyromancy，byaeromancy，whereofAristophanesinhisCloudsmakethgreatestimation，byhydromancy，bylecanomancy，ofoldinprimerequestamongsttheAssyrians，andthoroughlytriedbyHermolausBarbarus。Comehither，andIwillshowtheeinthisplatterfuloffairfountain-waterthyfuturewifelecheringandsercroupierizingitwithtwoswaggeringruffians，oneafteranother。Yea，buthaveaspecialcare，quothPanurge，whenthoucomesttoputthynosewithinminearse，thatthouforgetnottopulloffthyspectacles。HerrTrippa，goingoninhisdiscourse，said，Bycatoptromancy，likewiseheldinsuchaccountbytheEmperorDidiusJulianus，thatbymeansthereofheeverandanonforesawallthatwhichatanytimedidhappenorbefalluntohim。Thoushaltnotneedtoputonthyspectacles，forinamirrorthouwiltseeherasclearlyandmanifestlynebrundiatedandbillibodringit，asifIshouldshowitinthefountainofthetempleofMinervanearPatras。Bycoscinomancy，mostreligiouslyobservedofoldamidsttheceremoniesoftheancientRomans。

Letushaveasieveandshears，andthoushaltseedevils。Byalphitomancy，criedupbyTheocritusinhisPharmaceutria。Byalentomancy，mixingtheflourofwheatwithoatmeal。Byastragalomancy，whereofIhavetheplotsandmodelsallathandreadyforthepurpose。Bytyromancy，whereofwemakesomeproofinagreatBrehemontcheesewhichIherekeepbyme。Bygiromancy，ifthoushouldstturnroundcircles，thoumightestassurethyselffrommethattheywouldfallalwaysonthewrongside。Bysternomancy，whichmakethnothingforthyadvantage，forthouhastanill-

proportionedstomach。Bylibanomancy，forthewhichweshallneedbutalittlefrankincense。Bygastromancy，whichkindofventralfatiloquencywasforalongtimetogetherusedinFerrarabyLadyGiacomaRodogina，theEngastrimythianprophetess。Bycephalomancy，oftenpractisedamongsttheHighGermansintheirboilingofanass\'sheaduponburningcoals。Byceromancy，where，bythemeansofwaxdissolvedintowater，thoushaltseethefigure，portrait，andlivelyrepresentationofthyfuturewife，andofherfredinfredaliatorybelly-thumpingblades。Bycapnomancy。Othegallantestandmostexcellentofallsecrets！Byaxionomancy；wewantonlyahatchetandajet-stonetobelaidtogetheruponaquickfireofhotembers。OhowbravelyHomerwasversedinthepracticehereoftowardsPenelope\'ssuitors！Byonymancy；forthatwehaveoilandwax。Bytephromancy。Thouwiltseetheashesthusaloftdispersedexhibitingthywifeinafineposture。Bybotanomancy；forthenonceIhavesomefewleavesinreserve。Bysicomancy；Odivineartinfig-treeleaves！Byicthiomancy，inancienttimessocelebrated，andputinusebyTiresiasandPolydamas，withthelikecertaintyofeventaswastriedofoldattheDina-ditchwithinthatgroveconsecratedtoApollowhichisintheterritoryoftheLycians。Bychoiromancy；letushaveagreatmanyhogs，andthoushalthavethebladderofoneofthem。Bycheromancy，asthebeanisfoundinthecakeattheEpiphanyvigil。Byanthropomancy，practisedbytheRomanEmperorHeliogabalus。Itissomewhatirksome，butthouwiltendureitwellenough，seeingthouartdestinatedtobeacuckold。Byasibyllinestichomancy。Byonomatomancy。Howdotheycallthee？Chaw-

turd，quothPanurge。Oryetbyalectryomancy。IfIshouldherewithacompassdrawaround，andinlookinguponthee，andconsideringthylot，dividethecircumferencethereofintofour-and-twentyequalparts，thenformaseveralletterofthealphabetuponeveryoneofthem；and，lastly，positabarleycornortwouponeachofthesesodisposedletters，Idurstpromiseuponmyfaithandhonestythat，ifayoungvirgincockbepermittedtorangealongstandathwartthem，heshouldonlyeatthegrainswhicharesetandplacedupontheseletters，A。C。U。C。K。O。L。D。T。H。O。U。S。H。A。L。T。

B。E。Andthatasfatidicallyas，undertheEmperorValens，mostperplexedlydesiroustoknowthenameofhimwhoshouldbehissuccessortotheempire，thecockvacticinatingandalectryomanticateupthepicklesthatwerepositedonthelettersT。H。E。O。D。Or，forthemorecertainty，willyouhaveatrialofyourfortunebytheartofaruspiciny，byaugury，orbyextispiciny？Byturdispiciny，quothPanurge。Oryetbythemysteryofnecromancy？Iwill，ifyouplease，suddenlysetupagainandrevivesomeonelatelydeceased，asApolloniusofTyanedidtoAchilles，andthePythonessinthepresenceofSaul；whichbody，soraisedupandrequickened，willtellusthesumofallyoushallrequireofhim:nomorenorlessthan，attheinvocationofErictho，acertaindefunctpersonforetoldtoPompeythewholeprogressandissueofthefatalbattlefoughtinthePharsalianfields。Or，ifyoubeafraidofthedead，ascommonlyallcuckoldsare，Iwillmakeuseofthefacultyofsciomancy。

Go，gettheegone，quothPanurge，thoufranticass，tothedevil，andbebuggered，filthyBardachiothatthouart，bysomeAlbanian，forasteeple-

crownedhat。Whythedevildidstnotthoucounselmeaswelltoholdanemeraldorthestoneofahyaenaundermytongue，ortofurnishandprovidemyselfwithtonguesofwhoops，andheartsofgreenfrogs，ortoeatoftheliverandmiltofsomedragon，totheendthatbythosemeansImight，atthechantingandchirpingofswansandotherfowls，understandthesubstanceofmyfuturelotanddestiny，asdidofoldtheArabiansinthecountryofMesopotamia？Fifteenbraceofdevilsseizeuponthebodyandsoulofthishornedrenegado，miscreantcuckold，theenchanter，witch，andsorcererofAntichristtoallthedevilsofhell！Letusreturntowardsourking。Iamsurehewillnotbewellpleasedwithusifheoncecometogetnoticethatwehavebeeninthekennelofthismuffleddevil。Irepentmybeingcomehither。Iwouldwillinglydispensewithahundrednoblesandfourteenyeomans，onconditionthathewhonotlongsincedidblowinthebottomofmybreechesshouldinstantlywithhissquirtingspittleinluminatehismoustaches。OLordGodnow！howthevillainhathbesmokedmewithvexationandanger，withcharmsandwitchcraft，andwithaterriblecoilandstirofinfernalandTartariandevils！Thedeviltakehim！SayAmen，andletusgodrink。Ishallnothaveanyappetiteformyvictuals，howgoodcheersoeverImake，thesetwodaystocome，——hardlythesefour。

Chapter3。XXVI。

HowPanurgeconsultethwithFriarJohnoftheFunnels。

PanurgewasindeedverymuchtroubledinmindanddisquietedatthewordsofHerrTrippa，andtherefore，ashepassedbythelittlevillageofHuymes，afterhehadmadehisaddresstoFriarJohn，inpeckingat，rubbing，andscratchinghisownleftear，hesaiduntohim，Keepmealittlejovialandmerry，mydearandsweetbully，forIfindmybrainsaltogethermetagrabolizedandconfounded，andmyspiritsinamostdunsicalpuzzleatthebittertalkofthisdevilish，hellish，damnedfool。Hearken，mydaintycod。

MellowC。VarnishedC。ResoluteC。

Lead-colouredC。RenownedC。Cabbage-likeC。

KnurledC。MattedC。CourteousC。

SubornedC。GenitiveC。FertileC。

DesiredC。GigantalC。WhizzingC。

StuffedC。OvalC。NeatC。

SpeckledC。ClaustralC。CommonC。

FinelymetalledC。VirileC。BriskC。

Arabian-likeC。StayedC。QuickC。

Trussed-upGrey-MassiveC。BearlikeC。

hound-likeC。ManualC。PartitionalC。

MountedC。AbsoluteC。PatronymicC。

SleekedC。Well-setC。CockneyC。

DiaperedC。GemelC。AuromercuriatedC。

SpottedC。TurkishC。RobustC。

MasterC。BurningC。AppetizingC。

SeededC。ThwackingC。SuccourableC。

LustyC。UrgentC。RedoubtableC。

JuppedC。HandsomeC。AffableC。

MilkedC。PromptC。MemorableC。

CalfetedC。FortunateC。PalpableC。

RaisedC。BoxwoodC。BarbableC。

OddC。LattenC。TragicalC。

SteeledC。UnbridledC。TranspontineC。

StaleC。HookedC。DigestiveC。

Orange-tawnyC。ResearchedC。ActiveC。

EmbroideredC。EncompassedC。VitalC。

GlazedC。StroutingoutC。MagistralC。

InterlardedC。JollyC。MonachalC。

Burgher-likeC。LivelyC。SubtleC。

EmpowderedC。GerundiveC。HammeringC。

EbonizedC。FrankedC。ClashingC。

BrasiliatedC。PolishedC。TinglingC。

OrganizedC。PowderedBeefC。UsualC。

PassableC。PositiveC。ExquisiteC。

TrunkifiedC。SparedC。TrimC。

FuriousC。BoldC。SucculentC。

PackedC。LasciviousC。FactiousC。

HoodedC。GluttonousC。ClammyC。

FatC。BoultingC。New-vampedC。

High-prizedC。SnortingC。ImprovedC。

RequisiteC。PilferingC。MallingC。

LaycodC。ShakingC。SoundingC。

Hand-fillingC。BobbingC。BattledC。

InsuperableC。ChivetedC。BurlyC。

AgreeableC。FumblingC。SeditiousC。

FormidableC。TopsyturvyingC。WardianC。

ProfitableC。RagingC。ProtectiveC。

NotableC。PiledupC。TwinklingC。

MusculousC。FilledupC。AbleC。

SubsidiaryC。ManlyC。AlgoristicalC。

SatiricC。IdleC。OdoriferousC。

RepercussiveC。MembrousC。PrankedC。

ConvulsiveC。StrongC。JocundC。

RestorativeC。TwinC。RoutingC。

MasculinatingC。BelabouringC。PurloiningC。

IncarnativeC。GentleC。FrolicC。

SigillativeC。StirringC。WaggingC。

SallyingC。ConfidentC。RufflingC。

PlumpC。NimbleC。JumblingC。

ThunderingC。RoundheadedC。RumblingC。

LecheringC。FiggingC。ThumpingC。

FulminatingC。HelpfulC。BumpingC。

SparklingC。SpruceC。CringelingC。

RammingC。PluckingC。BerumplingC。

LustyC。RamageC。JoggingC。

HouseholdC。FineC。NobbingC。

PrettyC。FierceC。TouzingC。

AstrolabianC。BrawnyC。TumblingC。

AlgebraicalC。ComptC。FamblingC。

VenustC。RepairedC。OverturningC。

AromatizingC。SoftC。ShootingC。

TricksyC。WildC。CuletingC。

PaillardC。RenewedC。JaggedC。

GaillardC。QuaintC。PinkedC。

BroachingC。StartingC。ArsiversingC。

AddleC。FleshyC。PolishedC。

SyndicatedC。AuxiliaryC。SlashedC。

HamedC。StuffedC。ClashingC。

LeisurelyC。Well-fedC。WaggingC。

CutC。FlourishedC。ScriplikeC。

SmoothC。FallowC。EncremasteredC。

DependingC。SuddenC。BouncingC。

IndependentC。GraspfulC。LevellingC。

LingeringC。SwillpowC。Fly-flapC。

RappingC。CrushingC。Perinae-tegminalC。

ReverendC。CreakingC。Squat-couchingC。

NoddingC。DiltingC。Short-hungC。

DisseminatingC。ReadyC。ThehypogastrianC。

AffectingC。VigorousC。Witness-bearingC。

AffectedC。SkulkingC。TestigerousC。

GrappledC。SuperlativeC。InstrumentalC。

Myharcabuzingcodandbuttock-stirringballock，FriarJohn，myfriend，I

docarryasingularrespectuntothee，andhonourtheewithallmyheart。

ThycounselIholdforachoiceanddelicatemorsel；thereforehaveI

reserveditforthelastbit。Givemethyadvicefreely，Ibeseechthee，ShouldImarryorno？FriarJohnverymerrily，andwithasprightlycheerfulness，madethisanswertohim:Marry，inthedevil\'sname。Whynot？Whatthedevilelseshouldstthoudobutmarry？Taketheeawife，andfurbishherharnesstosometune。Swingeherskin-coatasifthouwertbeatingonstock-fish；andlettherepercussionofthyclapperfromherresoundingmetalmakeanoiseasifadoublepealofchiming-bellswerehungatthecremastersofthyballocks。AsIsaymarry，sodoIunderstandthatthoushouldstfalltoworkasspeedilyasmaybe；yea，mymeaningisthatthououghtesttobesoquickandforwardtherein，asonthissameveryday，beforesunset，tocauseproclaimthybannsofmatrimony，andmakeprovisionofbedsteads。Bythebloodofahog\'s-pudding，tillwhenwouldstthoudelaytheactingofahusband\'spart？Dostthounotknow，andisitnotdailytolduntothee，thattheendoftheworldapproacheth？Weareneareritbythreepolesandhalfafathomthanweweretwodaysago。TheAntichristisalreadyborn；atleastitissoreportedbymany。Thetruthis，thathithertotheeffectsofhiswrathhavenotreachedfurtherthantothescratchingofhisnurseandgovernesses。Hisnailsarenotsharpenoughasyet，norhavehisclawsattainedtotheirfullgrowth，——heislittle。

Crescat；Nosquivivimus，multiplicemur。

Itiswrittenso，anditisholystuff，Iwarrantyou；thetruthwhereofisliketolastaslongasasackofcornmaybehadforapenny，andapuncheonofpurewineforthreepence。Wouldstthoubecontenttobefoundwiththygenitoriesfullinthedayofjudgment？Dumveneritjudicari？

Thouhast，quothPanurge，aright，clear，andneatspirit，FriarJohn，mymetropolitancod；thouspeakstinverydeedpertinentlyandtopurpose。

ThatbelikewasthereasonwhichmovedLeanderofAbydosinAsia，whilsthewasswimmingthroughtheHellesponticseatomakeavisittohissweetheartHeroofSestusinEurope，toprayuntoNeptuneandalltheothermarinegods，thus:

Now，whilstIgo，havepityonme，Andatmybackreturningdrownme。

Hewasloth，itseems，todiewithhiscodsovergorged。Hewastobecommended；thereforedoIpromise，thatfromhenceforthnomalefactorshallbyjusticebeexecutedwithinmyjurisdictionofSalmigondinois，whoshallnot，foradayortwoatleastbefore，bepermittedtoculbutandforaminateonocrotalwise，thatthereremainnotinallhisvesselstowriteaGreekY。Suchapreciousthingshouldnotbefoolishlycastaway。Hewillperhapstherewithbegetamale，andsodepartthemorecontentedlyoutofthislife，thatheshallhaveleftbehindhimoneforone。

Chapter3。XXVII。

HowFriarJohnmerrilyandsportinglycounsellethPanurge。

BySaintRigomet，quothFriarJohn，Idoadvisetheetonothing，mydearfriendPanurge，whichIwouldnotdomyselfwereIinthyplace。Onlyhaveaspecialcare，andtakegoodheedthousolderwelltogetherthejointsofthedouble-backedandtwo-belliedbeast，andfortifythynervessostrongly，thattherebenodiscontinuanceintheknocksofthevenereanthwacking，elsethouartlost，poorsoul。Foriftherepasslongintervalsbetwixtthepriapizingfeats，andthatthoumakeanintermissionoftoolargeatime，thatwillbefalltheewhichbetidesthenursesiftheydesistfromgivingsucktochildren——theylosetheirmilk；andifcontinuallythoudonotholdthyaspersorytoolinexercise，andkeepthymentulgoing，thylacticiniannectarwillbegone，anditwillservetheeonlyasapipetopissoutat，andthycodsforawalletoflesservaluethanabeggar\'sscrip。ThisisacertaintruthItellthee，friend，anddoubtnotofit；

formyselfhaveseenthesadexperimentthereofinmany，whocannotnowdowhattheywould，becausebeforetheydidnotwhattheymighthavedone:Exdesuetudineamittunturprivilegia。Non-usageoftentimesdestroysone\'sright，saythelearneddoctorsofthelaw；therefore，mybilly，entertainaswellaspossiblythoucanstthathypogastrianlowersortoftroglodyticpeople，thattheirchiefpleasuremaybeplacedinthecaseofsempiternallabouring。Giveorderthathenceforththeylivenot，likeidlegentlemen，idlyupontheirrentsandrevenues，butthattheymayworkfortheirlivelihoodbybreakinggroundwithinthePaphiantrenches。Naytruly，answeredPanurge，FriarJohn，myleftballock，Iwillbelievethee，forthoudealestplainwithme，andfallestdownrightsquareuponthebusiness，withoutgoingaboutthebushwithfrivolouscircumstancesandunnecessaryreservations。Thouwiththesplendourofapiercingwithastdissipatedalltheloweringcloudsofanxiousapprehensionsandsuspicionswhichdidintimidateandterrifyme；thereforetheheavensbepleasedtogranttotheeatallshe-conflictsastiff-standingfortune。Wellthen，asthouhastsaid，sowillIdo；Iwill，ingoodfaith，marry，——inthatpointthereshallbenofailing，Ipromisethee，——andshallhavealwaysbymeprettygirlsclothedwiththenameofmywife\'swaiting-maids，that，lyingunderthywings，thoumayestbenight-protectoroftheirsisterhood。

Letthisserveforthefirstpartofthesermon。Hearken，quothFriarJohn，totheoracleofthebellsofVarenes。Whatsaythey？Ihearandunderstandthem，quothPanurge；theirsoundis，bymythirst，moreuprightlyfatidicalthanthatofJove\'sgreatkettlesinDodona。Hearken！

Taketheeawife，taketheeawife，andmarry，marry，marry；forifthoumarry，thoushaltfindgoodtherein，herein，hereinawifethoushaltfindgood；somarry，marry。IwillassuretheethatIshallbemarried；alltheelementsinviteandpromptmetoit。Letthiswordbetotheeabrazenwall，bydiffidencenottobebrokenthrough。Asforthesecondpartofthisourdoctrine，——thouseemestinsomemeasuretomistrustthereadinessofmypaternityinthepractisingofmyplacket-racketwithintheAphrodisiantennis-courtatalltimesfitting，asifthestiffgodofgardenswerenotfavourabletome。Ipraythee，favourmesomuchastobelievethatIstillhavehimatabeck，attendingalwaysmycommandments，docile，obedient，vigorous，andactiveinallthingsandeverywhere，andneverstubbornorrefractorytomywillorpleasure。Ineednomorebuttoletgothereins，andslackentheleash，whichisthebelly-point，andwhenthegameisshownuntohim，say，Hey，Jack，tothybooty！hewillnotfaileventhentofleshhimselfuponhisprey，andtuzzleittosomepurpose。

Herebyyoumayperceive，althoughmyfuturewifewereasunsatiableandgluttonousinhervoluptuousnessandthedelightsofveneryaseverwastheEmpressMessalina，oryettheMarchioness(ofOincester)inEngland，andI

desiretheetogivecredittoit，thatIlacknotforwhatisrequisitetooverlaythestomachofherlust，buthavewherewithaboundinglytopleaseher。IamnotignorantthatSolomonsaid，whoindeedofthatmatterspeakethclerklikeandlearnedly，——asalsohowAristotleafterhimdeclaredforatruththat，forthegreaterpart，thelecheryofawomanisravenousandunsatisfiable。Nevertheless，letsuchasaremyfriendswhoreadthosepassagesreceivefrommeforamostrealverity，thatIforsuchaJillhaveafitJack；andthat，ifwomen\'sthingscannotbesatiated，Ihaveaninstrumentindefatigable，——animplementascopiousinthegivingascanincravingbetheirvademecums。Donothereproduceancientexamplesoftheparagonsofpaillardice，andoffertomatchwithmytesticulatoryabilitythePriapaeanprowessofthefabulousfornicators，Hercules，ProculusCaesar，andMahomet，whoinhisAlkorandothvauntthatinhiscodshehadthevigourofthreescorebullyruffians；butletnozealousChristiantrusttherogue，——thefilthyribaldrascalisaliar。Norshaltthouneedtourgeauthorities，orbringforththeinstanceoftheIndianprinceofwhomTheophrastus，Plinius，andAthenaeustestify，thatwiththehelpofacertainherbhewasable，andhadgivenfrequentexperimentsthereof，totosshissinewypieceofgenerationintheactofcarnalconcupiscenceabovethreescoreandtentimesinthespaceoffour-and-twentyhours。OfthatIbelievenothing，thenumberissupposititious，andtooprodigallyfoistedin。Givenofaithuntoit，Ibeseechthee，butpritheetrustmeinthis，andthycredulitythereinshallnotbewronged，foritistrue，andprobatumest，thatmypioneerofnature——thesacredithyphallianchampion——

isofallstiff-intrudingbladestheprimest。Comehither，myballocket，andhearken。DidstthoueverseethemonkofCastre\'scowl？Wheninanyhouseitwaslaiddown，whetheropenlyintheviewofallorcovertlyoutofthesightofany，suchwastheineffablevirtuethereofforexcitatingandstirringupthepeopleofbothsexesuntolechery，thatthewholeinhabitantsandindwellers，notonlyofthat，butlikewiseofallthecircumjacentplacesthereto，withinthreeleaguesaroundit，didsuddenlyenterintorut，bothbeastsandfolks，menandwomen，eventothedogsandhogs，ratsandcats。

IsweartotheethatmanytimesheretoforeIhaveperceivedandfoundinmycodpieceacertainkindofenergyorefficaciousvirtuemuchmoreirregularandofagreateranomalythanwhatIhaverelated。Iwillnotspeaktotheeeitherofhouseorcottage，norofchurchormarket，butonlytellthee，thatonceattherepresentationofthePassion，whichwasactedatSaintMaxents，Ihadnosoonerenteredwithinthepitofthetheatre，butthatforthwith，bythevirtueandoccultpropertyofit，onasuddenallthatwerethere，bothplayersandspectators，didfallintosuchanexorbitanttemptationoflust，thattherewasnotangel，man，devil，nordevilessupontheplacewhowouldnotthenhavebricollitcheditwithalltheirheartandsoul。Theprompterforsookhiscopy，hewhoplayedMichael\'spartcamedowntorights，thedevilsissuedoutofhellandcarriedalongwiththemmostoftheprettylittlegirlsthatwerethere；

yea，Lucifergotoutofhisfetters；inaword，seeingthehugedisorder，I

disparkedmyselfforthofthatenclosedplace，inimitationofCatotheCensor，whoperceiving，byreasonofhispresence，theFloralianfestivalsoutoforder，withdrewhimself。

Chapter3。XXVIII。

HowFriarJohncomfortethPanurgeinthedoubtfulmatterofcuckoldry。

Iunderstandtheewellenough，saidFriarJohn；buttimemakesallthingsplain。Themostdurablemarbleorporphyryissubjecttooldageanddecay。Thoughforthepresentthoupossiblybenotwearyoftheexercise，yetisitlikeIwillheartheeconfessafewyearshencethatthycodshangdanglingdownwardsforwantofabettertruss。Iseetheewaxingalittlehoar-headedalready。Thybeard，bythedistinctionofgrey，white，tawny，andblack，hathtomythinkingtheresemblanceofamapoftheterrestrialglobeorgeographicalchart。LookattentivelyuponandtakeinspectionofwhatIshallshowuntothee。BeholdthereAsia。HereareTigrisandEuphrates。LothereAfric。HereisthemountainoftheMoon，——

yonderthoumaystperceivethefennymarchofNilus。OnthissideliethEurope。DostthounotseetheAbbeyofTheleme？Thislittletuft，whichisaltogetherwhite，istheHyperboreanHills。Bythethirstofmythropple，friend，whensnowisonthemountains，Isaytheheadandthechin，thereisnotthenanyconsiderableheattobeexpectedinthevalleysandlowcountriesofthecodpiece。Bythekibesofthyheels，quothPanurge，thoudostnotunderstandthetopics。Whensnowisonthetopsofthehills，lightning，thunder，tempest，whirlwinds，storms，hurricanes，andallthedevilsofhellrageinthevalleys。Wouldstthouseetheexperiencethereof，gototheterritoryoftheSwitzersandearnestlyperpendwiththyselftherethesituationofthelakeofWunderberlich，aboutfourleaguesdistantfromBerne，ontheSyon-sideoftheland。Thoutwittestmewithmygreyhairs，yetconsiderestnothowIamofthenatureofleeks，whichwithawhiteheadcarryagreen，fresh，straight，andvigoroustail。Thetruthis，nevertheless(whyshouldIdenyit)，thatI

nowandthendiscerninmyselfsomeindicativesignsofoldage。Tellthis，Iprithee，tonobody，butletitbekeptverycloseandsecretbetwixtustwo；forIfindthewinemuchsweeternow，moresavourytomytaste，anduntomypalateofabetterrelishthanformerlyIwaswonttodo；andwithal，besidesmineaccustomedmanner，IhaveamoredreadfulapprehensionthanIeverheretoforehavehadoflightingonbadwine。NoteandobservethatthisdothargueandportendIknownotwhatofthewestandoccidentofmytime，andsignifieththatthesouthandmeridianofmineageispast。Butwhatthen，mygentlecompanion？ThatdothbutbetokenthatIwillhereafterdrinksomuchthemore。Thatisnot，thedevilhaleit，thethingthatIfear；norisittherewheremyshoepinches。ThethingthatIdoubtmost，andhavegreatestreasontodreadandsuspectis，thatthroughsomelongabsenceofourKingPantagruel(towhomImustneedsbearcompanyshouldhegotoallthedevilsofBarathrum)，myfuturewifeshallmakemeacuckold。Thisis，intruth，thelongandshorton\'t。ForIambyallthosewhomIhavespoketomenacedandthreatenedwithahornedfortune，andallofthemaffirmitisthelottowhichfromheavenIampredestinated。Everyone，answeredFriarJohn，thatwouldbeacuckoldisnotone。Ifitbethyfatetobehereafterofthenumberofthathornedcattle，thenmayIconcludewithanErgo，thywifewillbebeautiful，andErgo，thouwiltbekindlyusedbyher。LikewisewiththisErgo，thoushaltbeblessedwiththefruitionofmanyfriendsandwell-willers。AndfinallywiththisotherErgo，thoushaltbesavedandhaveaplaceinParadise。

Thesearemonachaltopicsandmaximsofthecloister。Thoumaysttakemorelibertytosin。Thoushaltbemoreateasethanever。Therewillbeneverthelessleftforthee，nothingdiminished，butthygoodsshallincreasenotably。Andifsobeitwaspreordinatedforthee，wouldstthoubesoimpiousasnottoacquiesceinthydestiny？Speak，thoujadedcod。

FadedC。LoutingC。AppellantC。

MouldyC。DiscouragedC。SwaggingC。

MustyC。SurfeitedC。WitheredC。

PaltryC。PeevishC。Broken-reinedC。

SenselessC。TranslatedC。DefectiveC。

FounderedC。ForlornC。CrestfallenC。

DistemperedC。UnsavouryC。FelledC。

BewrayedC。Worm-eatenC。FleetedC。

InveigledC。OvertoiledC。CloyedC。

DanglingC。MiserableC。SqueezedC。

StupidC。SteepedC。RestyC。

SeedlessC。Kneaded-with-cold-PoundedC。

SoakedC。waterC。LooseC。

ColdishC。HackedC。FruitlessC。

PickledC。FlaggyC。RivenC。

ChurnedC。ScrubbyC。PursyC。

FillipedC。DrainedC。FustyC。

SinglefiedC。HaledC。JadishC。

BegrimedC。LollingC。FistulousC。

WrinkledC。DrenchedC。LanguishingC。

FaintedC。BurstC。MaleficiatedC。

ExtenuatedC。StirredupC。HecticC。

GrimC。MitredC。WornoutC。

WastedC。PeddlinglyfurnishedIll-favouredC。

InflamedC。C。DuncifiedC。

UnhingedC。RustyC。MaceratedC。

ScurfyC。ExhaustedC。ParalyticC。

StraddlingC。PerplexedC。DegradedC。

PutrefiedC。UnhelvedC。BenumbedC。

MaimedC。FizzledC。Bat-likeC。

OverlecheredC。LeprousC。Fart-shottenC。

DruggelyC。BruisedC。SunburntC。

MitifiedC。SpadonicC。PacifiedC。

Goat-riddenC。BoughtyC。BluntedC。

WeakenedC。MealyC。RanklingtastedC。

Ass-riddenC。WranglingC。RootedoutC。

Puff-pastedC。GangrenedC。CostiveC。

St。AnthonifiedC。Crust-risenC。HailedonC。

UntripedC。RaggedC。CuffedC。

BlastedC。QuelledC。BuffetedC。

CutoffC。BraggadocioC。WhirretedC。

BeveragedC。BeggarlyC。RobbedC。

ScarifiedC。TrepannedC。NeglectedC。

DashedC。BeduskedC。LameC。

SlashedC。EmasculatedC。ConfusedC。

EnfeebledC。CorkedC。UnsavouryC。

Whore-huntingC。TransparentC。OverthrownC。

DeterioratedC。VileC。BoultedC。

ChillC。AntedatedC。TrodunderC。

ScrupulousC。ChoppedC。DesolateC。

CrazedC。PinkedC。DecliningC。

TastelessC。Cup-glassifiedC。StinkingC。

SorrowfulC。HarshC。CrookedC。

MurderedC。BeatenC。BrabblingC。

Matachin-likeC。BarredC。RottenC。

BesottedC。AbandonedC。AnxiousC。

CustomerlessC。ConfoundedC。CloutedC。

MincedC。LoutishC。TiredC。

ExulceratedC。BornedownC。ProudC。

PatchedC。SparredC。FracturedC。

StupifiedC。AbashedC。MelancholyC。

AnnihilatedC。UnseasonableC。CoxcomblyC。

SpentC。OppressedC。BaseC。

FoiledC。GratedC。BleakedC。

AnguishedC。FallingawayC。DetestedC。

DisfiguredC。SmallcutC。DiaphanousC。

DisabledC。DisorderedC。UnworthyC。

ForcelessC。LatticedC。CheckedC。

CensuredC。RuinedC。MangledC。

CutC。ExasperatedC。TurnedoverC。

RifledC。RejectedC。HarriedC。

UndoneC。BelammedC。FlawedC。

CorrectedC。FabricitantC。FrowardC。

SlitC。PerusedC。UglyC。

SkittishC。EmasculatedC。DrawnC。

SpongyC。RoughlyhandledC。RivenC。

BotchedC。ExaminedC。DistastefulC。

DejectedC。CrackedC。HangingC。

JaggedC。WaywardC。BrokenC。

PiningC。HaggledC。LimberC。

DeformedC。GleaningC。EffeminateC。

MischievedC。Ill-favouredC。KindledC。

CobbledC。PulledC。EvacuatedC。

EmbasedC。DroopingC。GrievedC。

RansackedC。FaintC。CarkingC。

DespisedC。ParchedC。DisorderlyC。

MangyC。PaltryC。EmptyC。

AbasedC。CankeredC。DisquietedC。

SupineC。VoidC。BesystedC。

MendedC。VexedC。ConfoundedC。

DismayedC。BestunkC。HookedC。

DivorousC。WinnowedC。UnluckyC。

WeariedC。DecayedC。SterileC。

SadC。DisastrousC。BeshittenC。

CrossC。UnhandsomeC。AppeasedC。

Vain-gloriousC。StummedC。CaitiffC。

PoorC。BarrenC。WoefulC。

BrownC。WretchedC。UnseemlyC。

ShrunkenC。FeebleC。HeavyC。

AbhorredC。CastdownC。WeakC。

TroubledC。StoppedC。ProstratedC。

ScornfulC。KeptunderC。UncomelyC。

DishonestC。StubbornC。NaughtyC。

ReprovedC。GroundC。LaidflatC。

CocketedC。RetchlessC。SuffocatedC。

FilthyC。Weather-beatenC。HelddownC。

ShredC。FlayedC。BarkedC。

ChawnedC。BaldC。HairlessC。

Short-windedC。TossedC。FlampingC。

BranchlessC。FlappingC。HoodedC。

ChappedC。CleftC。WormyC。

FailingC。MeagreC。Besysted(Inhisanxietytoswellhiscatalogueasmuchaspossible，SirThomasUrquharthassetdownthiswordtwice。)C。

DeficientC。DumpifiedC。FaultyC。

LeanC。SuppressedC。BemealedC。

ConsumedC。HaggedC。MortifiedC。

UsedC。JawpedC。ScurvyC。

PuzzledC。HavockedC。BescabbedC。

AllayedC。AstonishedC。TornC。

SpoiledC。DulledC。SubduedC。

ClaggedC。SlowC。SneakingC。

Palsy-strickenC。PluckedupC。BareC。

AmazedC。ConstipatedC。SwartC。

BedunsedC。BlownC。SmutchedC。

ExtirpatedC。BlockifiedC。RaisedupC。

BangedC。PommelledC。ChoppedC。

StrippedC。All-to-bemauledC。FlirtedC。

HoaryC。FallenawayC。BlainedC。

BlottedC。StaleC。RensyC。

SunkinC。CorruptedC。FrowningC。

GhastlyC。BefloweredC。LimpingC。

UnpointedC。AmatedC。RavelledC。

BeblisteredC。BlackishC。RammishC。

WizenedC。UnderlaidC。GauntC。

Beggar-platedC。LoathingC。BeskimmeredC。

DoufC。Ill-filledC。ScraggyC。

ClartyC。BobbedC。LankC。

LumpishC。MatedC。SwasheringC。

AbjectC。TawnyC。MoilingC。

SideC。WhealedC。SwinkingC。

ChokedupC。BesmearedC。HarriedC。

BackwardC。HollowC。TuggedC。

ProlixC。PantlessC。TowedC。

SpottedC。GuizenedC。MisusedC。

CrumpledC。DemissC。AdamiticalC。

FrumpledC。RefractoryC。

Ballockatsotothedevil，mydearfriendPanurge，seeingitissodecreedbythegods，wouldstthouinvertthecourseoftheplanets，andmakethemretrograde？Wouldstthoudisorderallthecelestialspheres，blametheintelligences，bluntthespindles，jointthewherves，slanderthespinningquills，reproachthebobbins，reviletheclew-bottoms，andfinallyravelanduntwistallthethreadsofboththewarpandthewaftoftheweirdSister-Parcae？Whatapoxtothybonesdostthoumean，stonycod？Thouwouldstifthoucouldst，agreatdealworsethanthegiantsofoldintendedtohavedone。Comehither，billicullion。Whetherwouldstthoubejealouswithoutcause，orbeacuckoldandknownothingofit？Neithertheonenortheother，quothPanurge，wouldIchoosetobe。ButifIgetaninklingofthematter，Iwillprovidewellenough，orthereshallnotbeonestickofwoodwithinfivehundredleaguesaboutmewhereoftomakeacudgel。Ingoodfaith，FriarJohn，Ispeaknowseriouslyuntothee，Ithinkitwillbemybestnottomarry。Hearkentowhatthebellsdotellme，nowthatwearenearertothem！Donotmarry，marrynot，not，not，not，not；marry，marrynot，not，not，not，not。Ifthoumarry，thouwiltmiscarry，carry，carry；thou\'ltrepentit，resentit，sentit！Ifthoumarry，thouacuckold，acou-cou-cuckoo，cou-cou-cuckoldthoushaltbe。BytheworthywrathofGod，Ibegintobeangry。Thiscampanilianoraclefrettethmetotheguts，——aMarchharewasneverinsuchachafeasIam。OhowIamvexed！Youmonksandfriarsofthecowl-patedandhood-polledfraternity，haveyounoremedynorsalveagainstthismaladyofgraffinghornsinheads？Hathnaturesoabandonedhumankind，andofherhelpleftussodestitute，thatmarriedmencannotknowhowtosailthroughtheseasofthismortallifeandbesafefromthewhirlpools，quicksands，rocks，andbanksthatliealongstthecoastofCornwall。

Iwill，saidFriarJohn，showtheeawayandteachtheeanexpedientbymeanswhereofthywifeshallnevermaketheeacuckoldwithoutthyknowledgeandthineownconsent。Domethefavour，Ipraythee，quothPanurge，mypretty，soft，downycod；nowtellit，billy，tellit，Ibeseechthee。Take，quothFriarJohn，HansCarvel\'sringuponthyfinger，whowastheKingofMelinda\'schiefjeweller。BesidesthatthisHansCarvelhadthereputationofbeingveryskilfulandexpertinthelapidary\'sprofession，hewasastudious，learned，andingeniousman，ascientificperson，fullofknowledge，agreatphilosopher，ofasoundjudgment，ofaprimewit，goodsense，clearspirited，anhonestcreature，courteous，charitable，agiverofalms，andofajovialhumour，abooncompanion，andamerryblade，ifevertherewasanyintheworld。Hewassomewhatgorbellied，hadalittleshakeinhishead，andwasineffectunwieldyofhisbody。InhisoldagehetooktowifetheBailiffofConcordat\'sdaughter，young，fair，jolly，gallant，spruce，frisk，brisk，neat，feat，smirk，smug，compt，quaint，gay，fine，tricksy，trim，decent，proper，graceful，handsome，beautiful，comely，andkind——alittletoomuch——toherneighboursandacquaintance。

Hereuponitfellout，aftertheexpiringofascantlingofweeks，thatMasterCarvelbecameasjealousasatiger，andenteredintoaveryprofoundsuspicionthathisnew-marriedgixydidkeepa-buttock-stirringwithothers。Topreventwhichinconveniencyhedidtellhermanytragicalstoriesofthetotalruinofseveralkingdomsbyadultery；didreaduntoherthelegendofchastewives；thenmadesomelecturestoherinthepraiseofthechoicevirtueofpudicity，anddidpresentherwithabookincommendationofconjugalfidelity；whereinthewickednessofalllicentiouswomenwasodiouslydetested；andwithalhegaveherachainenrichedwithpureorientalsapphires。Notwithstandingallthis，hefoundheralwaysmoreandmoreinclinedtothereceptionofherneighbourcopes-mates，thatdaybydayhisjealousyincreased。Insequelwhereof，onenightashewaslyingbyher，whilstinhissleeptheramblingfanciesofthelecherousdeportmentsofhiswifedidtakeupthecellulesofhisbrain，hedreamtthatheencounteredwiththedevil，towhomhehaddiscoveredtothefullthebuzzingofhisheadandsuspicionthathiswifedidtreadhershoeawry。Thedevil，hethought，inthisperplexitydidforhiscomfortgivehimaring，andtherewithaldidkindlyputitonhismiddlefinger，saying，HansCarvel，Igivetheethisring，——whilstthoucarriestituponthatfinger，thywifeshallnevercarnallybeknownbyanyotherthanthyselfwithoutthyspecialknowledgeandconsent。Gramercy，quothHansCarvel，mylorddevil，IrenounceMahometifeveritshallcomeoffmyfinger。Thedevilvanished，asishiscustom；andthenHansCarvel，fullofjoyawaking，foundthathismiddlefingerwasasfarasitcouldreachwithinthewhat-do-by-call-itofhiswife。Ididforgettotelltheehowhiswife，assoonasshehadfeltthefingerthere，said，inrecoilingherbuttocks，Off，yes，nay，tut，pish，tush，ay，lord，thatisnotthethingwhichshouldbeputupinthatplace。WiththisHansCarvelthoughtthatsomepilferingfellowwasabouttotaketheringfromhim。Isnotthisaninfallibleandsovereignantidote？Therefore，ifthouwiltbelieveme，inimitationofthisexampleneverfailtohavecontinuallytheringofthywife\'scommodityuponthyfinger。Whenthatwassaid，theirdiscourseandtheirwayended。

Chapter3。XXIX。

HowPantagruelconvocatedtogetheratheologian，physician，lawyer，andphilosopher，forextricatingPanurgeoutoftheperplexitywhereinhewas。

Nosoonerweretheycomeintotheroyalpalace，buttheytothefullmadereportuntoPantagruelofthesuccessoftheirexpedition，andshowedhimtheresponseofRaminagrobis。WhenPantagruelhadreaditoverandoveragain，theoftenerheperuseditbeingthebetterpleasedtherewith，hesaid，inaddressinghisspeechtoPanurge，Ihavenotasyetseenanyanswerframedtoyourdemandwhichaffordethmemorecontentment。Forinthishissuccinctcopyofverses，hesummarilyandbriefly，yetfullyenoughexpressethhowhewouldhaveustounderstandthateveryoneintheprojectandenterpriseofmarriageoughttobehisowncarver，solearbitratorofhisproperthoughts，andfromhimselfalonetakecounselinthemainandperemptoryclosureofwhathisdeterminationshouldbe，ineitherhisassenttoordissentfromit。Suchalwayshathbeenmyopiniontoyou，andwhenatfirstyouspokethereoftomeItrulytoldyouthissameverything；buttacitlyyouscornedmyadvice，andwouldnotharbouritwithinyourmind。Iknowforcertain，andthereforemayIwiththegreaterconfidenceuttermyconceptionofit，thatphilauty，orself-love，isthatwhichblindsyourjudgmentanddeceivethyou。

Letusdootherwise，andthatisthis:Whateverweare，orhave，consistethinthreethings——thesoul，thebody，andthegoods。Now，forthepreservationofthesethree，therearethreesortsoflearnedmenordained，eachrespectivelytohavecareofthatonewhichisrecommendedtohischarge。Theologuesareappointedforthesoul，physiciansforthewelfareofthebody，andlawyersforthesafetyofourgoods。HenceitisthatitismyresolutiontohaveonSundaynextwithmeatdinneradivine，aphysician，andalawyer，thatwiththosethreeassembledthustogetherwemayineverypointandparticleconferatlargeofyourperplexity。BySaintPicot，answeredPanurge，wenevershalldoanygoodthatway，Iseeitalready。Andyouseeyourselfhowtheworldisvilelyabused，aswhenwithafoxtailoneclapsanother\'sbreechtocajolehim。Wegiveoursoulstokeeptothetheologues，whoforthegreaterpartareheretics。Ourbodieswecommittothephysicians，whoneverthemselvestakeanyphysic。

Andthenweentrustourgoodstothelawyers，whonevergotolawagainstoneanother。Youspeaklikeacourtier，quothPantagruel。Butthefirstpointofyourassertionistobedenied；forwedailyseehowgoodtheologuesmakeittheirchiefbusiness，theirwholeandsoleemployment，bytheirdeeds，theirwords，andwritings，toextirpateerrorsandheresiesoutoftheheartsofmen，andintheirsteadprofoundlyplantthetrueandlivelyfaith。ThesecondpointyouspokeofIcommend；for，whereastheprofessorsoftheartofmedicinegivesogoodordertotheprophylactic，orconservativepartoftheirfaculty，inwhatconcerneththeirproperhealths，thattheystandinnoneedofmakinguseoftheotherbranch，whichisthecurativeortherapeutic，bymedicaments。Asforthethird，I

grantittobetrue，forlearnedadvocatesandcounsellorsatlawaresomuchtakenupwiththeaffairsofothersintheirconsultations，pleadings，andsuch-likepatrocinationsofthosewhoaretheirclients，thattheyhavenoleisuretoattendanycontroversiesoftheirown。Therefore，onthenextensuingSunday，letthedivinebeourgodlyFatherHippothadee，thephysicianourhonestMasterRondibilis，andourlegistourfriendBridlegoose。Norwillitbe(tomythinking)amiss，thatweenterintothePythagoricfield，andchooseforanassistanttothethreeafore-nameddoctorsourancientfaithfulacquaintance，thephilosopherTrouillogan；

especiallyseeingaperfectphilosopher，suchasisTrouillogan，isablepositivelytoresolveallwhatsoeverdoubtsyoucanpropose。Carpalin，haveyouacaretohavethemhereallfouronSundaynextatdinner，withoutfail。

Ibelieve，quothEpistemon，thatthroughoutthewholecountry，inallthecornersthereof，youcouldnothavepitcheduponsuchotherfour。WhichI

speaknotsomuchinregardofthemostexcellentqualificationsandaccomplishmentswherewithallofthemareendowedfortherespectivedischargeandmanagementofeachhisownvocationandcalling(whereinwithoutalldoubtorcontroversytheyaretheparagonsoftheland，andsurpassallothers)，asforthatRondibilisismarriednow，whobeforewasnot，——Hippothadeewasnotbefore，norisyet，——Bridlegoosewasmarriedonce，butisnotnow，——andTrouilloganismarriednow，whoweddedwastoanotherwifebefore。Sir，ifitmaystandwithyourgoodliking，IwilleaseCarpalinofsomeparcelofhislabour，andinviteBridlegoosemyself，withwhomIofalongtimehavehadaveryintimatefamiliarity，anduntowhomIamtospeakonthebehalfofaprettyhopefulyouthwhonowstudiethatToulouse，underthemostlearnedvirtuousdoctorBoissonet。Dowhatyoudeemmostexpedient，quothPantagruel，andtellmeifmyrecommendationcaninanythingbesteadableforthepromovalofthegoodofthatyouth，orotherwiseserveforbetteringofthedignityandofficeoftheworthyBoissonet，whomIdosoloveandrespectforoneoftheablestandmostsufficientinhiswaythatanywhereareextant。Sir，Iwillusethereinmybestendeavours，andheartilybestirmyselfaboutit。