第21章

Chapter4。LII。

Acontinuationofthemiraclescausedbythedecretals。

Wisely，brotherTimothy，quothPanurge，didam，didam；hesaysblew；but，formypart，IbelieveaslittleofitasIcan。ForonedaybychanceI

happenedtoreadachapterofthematPoictiers，atthemostdecretalipotentScotchdoctor\'s，andoldNickturnmeintobumfodder，ifthisdidnotmakemesohide-boundandcostive，thatforfourorfivedaysIhardlyscumberedonepoorbuttofsir-reverence；andthat，too，wasfullasdryandhard，Iprotest，asCatullustellsuswerethoseofhisneighbourFurius:

Nectotodeciescacasinanno，Atqueidduriusestfaba，etlapillis:

Quodtusimanibusteras，fricesque，Nonunquamdigituminquinareposses。

Oh，ho！criedHomenas；by\'rlady，itmaybeyouweretheninthestateofmortalsin，myfriend。Wellturned，criedPanurge；thiswasanewstrain，egad。

Oneday，saidFriarJohn，atSeuille，Ihadappliedtomyposteriors，bywayofhind-towel，aleafofanoldClementinaewhichourrent-gatherer，JohnGuimard，hadthrownoutintothegreenofourcloister。Nowthedevilbroilmelikeablackpudding，ifIwasn\'tsoabominablyplaguedwithchaps，chawns，andpilesatthefundament，thattheorificeofmypoornockandroewasinamostwoefulpickleforIdon\'tknowhowlong。By\'rourlady，criedHomenas，itwasaplainpunishmentofGodforthesinthatyouhadcommittedinberayingthatsacredbook，whichyououghtrathertohavekissedandadored；Isaywithanadorationoflatria，orofhyperduliaatleast。ThePanormitannevertoldalieinthematter。

SaithPonocrates:AtMontpelier，JohnChouarthavingboughtofthemonksofSt。Olaryadelicatesetofdecretals，writtenonfinelargeparchmentofLamballe，tobeatgoldbetweentheleaves，notsomuchasapiecethatwasbeateninthemcametogood，butallweredilaceratedandspoiled。

Markthis！criedHomenas；\'twasadivinepunishmentandvengeance。

AtMans，saidEudemon，FrancisCornu，apothecary，hadturnedanoldsetofExtravagantesintowastepaper。MayIneverstir，ifwhateverwaslappedupinthemwasnotimmediatelycorrupted，rotten，andspoiled；incense，pepper，cloves，cinnamon，saffron，wax，cassia，rhubarb，tamarinds，alldrugsandspices，werelostwithoutexception。Mark，mark，quothHomenas，aneffectofdivinejustice！ThiscomesofputtingthesacredScripturestosuchprofaneuses。

AtParis，saidCarpalin，SnipGroignetthetailorhadturnedanoldClementinaeintopatternsandmeasures，andalltheclothesthatwerecutonthemwereutterlyspoiledandlost；gowns，hoods，cloaks，cassocks，jerkins，jackets，waistcoats，capes，doublets，petticoats，corpsderobes，farthingales，andsoforth。Snip，thinkingtocutahood，wouldcutyououtacodpiece；insteadofacassockhewouldmakeyouahigh-crownedhat；

forawaistcoathe\'dshapeyououtarochet；onthepatternofadoublethe\'dmakeyouathinglikeafrying-pan。Thenhisjourneymenhavingstitcheditupdidjagitandpinkitatthebottom，andsoitlookedlikeapantofrychestnuts。Insteadofacapehemadeabuskin；forafarthingaleheshapedamonterocap；andthinkingtomakeacloak，he\'dcutoutapairofyourbigout-stroutingSwissbreeches，withpanesliketheoutsideofatabor。InsomuchthatSnipwascondemnedtomakegoodthestuffstoallhiscustomers；andtothisdaypoorCabbage\'shairgrowsthroughhishoodandhisarsethroughhispocket-holes。Mark，aneffectofheavenlywrathandvengeance！criedHomenas。

AtCahusac，saidGymnast，amatchbeingmadebythelordsofEstissacandViscountLausuntoshootatamark，Perotouhadtakentopiecesasetofdecretalsandsetoneoftheleavesforthewhitetoshootat。NowIsell，nay，Igiveandbequeathforeverandaye，themouldofmydoublettofifteenhundredhampersfullofblackdevils，ifeveranyarcherinthecountry(thoughtheyaresingularmarksmeninGuienne)couldhitthewhite。

Nottheleastbitoftheholyscribblewascontaminatedortouched；nay，andSansornintheelder，whoheldstakes，sworetous，figuesdioures，hardfigs(hisgreatestoath)，thathehadopenly，visibly，andmanifestlyseentheboltofCarquelinmovingrighttotheroundcircleinthemiddleofthewhite；andthatjustonthepoint，whenitwasgoingtohitandenter，ithadgoneasideabovesevenfootandfourincheswideofittowardsthebakehouse。

Miracle！criedHomenas，miracle！miracle！Clerica，comewench，light，lighthere。Here\'stoyouall，gentlemen；IvowyouseemtomeverysoundChristians。Whilehesaidthis，themaidensbegantosnickerathiselbow，grinning，giggling，andtwitteringamongthemselves。FriarJohnbegantopaw，neigh，andwhinnyatthesnout\'send，asonereadytoleap，oratleasttoplaytheass，andgetupandridetantivytothedevillikeabeggaronhorseback。

Methinks，saidPantagruel，amanmighthavebeenmoreoutofdangernearthewhiteofwhichGymnastspokethanwasformerlyDiogenesnearanother。

Howisthat？askedHomenas；whatwasit？Washeoneofourdecretalists？

Rarelyfalleninagain，egad，saidEpistemon，returningfromstool；Iseehewillhookhisdecretalsin，thoughbytheheadandshoulders。

Diogenes，saidPantagruel，onedayforpastimewenttoseesomearchersthatshotatbutts，oneofwhomwassounskilful，thatwhenitwashisturntoshootallthebystanderswentaside，lestheshouldmistakethemforthemark。Diogeneshadseenhimshootextremelywideofit；sowhentheotherwastakingaimasecondtime，andthepeopleremovedatagreatdistancetotherightandleftofthewhite，heplacedhimselfclosebythemark，holdingthatplacetobethesafest，andthatsobadanarcherwouldcertainlyratherhitanyother。

OneoftheLordd\'Estissac\'spagesatlastfoundoutthecharm，pursuedGymnast，andbyhisadvicePerotouputinanotherwhitemadeupofsomepapersofPouillac\'slawsuit，andtheneveryoneshotcleverly。

AtLanderousse，saidRhizotome，atJohnDelif\'sweddingwereverygreatdoings，as\'twasthenthecustomofthecountry。Aftersupperseveralfarces，interludes，andcomicalsceneswereacted；theyhadalsoseveralmorris-dancerswithbellsandtabors，anddiverssortsofmasksandmummerswereletin。MyschoolfellowsandI，togracethefestivaltothebestofourpower(forfinewhiteandpurpleliverieshadbeengiventoallofusinthemorning)，contrivedamerrymaskwithstoreofcockle-shells，shellsofsnails，periwinkles，andsuchother。Thenforwantofcuckoo-pint，orpriest-pintle，lousebur，clote，andpaper，wemadeourselvesfalsefaceswiththeleavesofanoldSextumthathadbeenthrownbyandlaythereforanyonethatwouldtakeitup，cuttingoutholesfortheeyes，nose，andmouth。Now，didyoueverhearthelikesinceyouwereborn？Whenwehadplayedourlittleboyishantictricks，andcametotakeoffourshamfaces，weappearedmorehideousanduglythanthelittledevilsthatactedthePassionatDouay；forourfaceswereutterlyspoiledattheplaceswhichhadbeentouchedbythoseleaves。Onehadtherethesmall-pox；another，God\'stoken，ortheplague-spot；athird，thecrinckums；afourth，themeasles；afifth，botches，pushes，andcarbuncles；inshort，hecameofftheleasthurtwhoonlylosthisteethbythebargain。Miracle！bawledoutHomenas，miracle！

Hold，hold！criedRhizotome；itisnotyettimetoclap。MysisterKateandmysisterRenhadputthecrepinesoftheirhoods，theirruffles，snuffekins，andneck-ruffsnewwashed，starched，andironed，intothatverybookofdecretals；for，youmustknow，itwascoveredwiththickboardsandhadstrongclasps。Now，bythevirtueofGod——Hold，interruptedHomenas，whatgoddoyoumean？Thereisbutone，answeredRhizotome。Inheaven，I

grant，repliedHomenas；butwehaveanotherhereonearth，doyousee？Ay，marryhavewe，saidRhizotome；butonmysoulIprotestIhadquiteforgotit。Wellthen，bythevirtueofgodthepope，theirpinners，neck-ruffs，bib，coifs，andotherlinenturnedasblackasacharcoal-man\'ssack。

Miracle！criedHomenas。Here，Clerica，lightmehere；andprithee，girl，observetheserarestories。Howcomesittopassthen，askedFriarJohn，thatpeoplesay，Eversincedecreeshadtails，Andgendarmesluggedheavymails，Sinceeachmonkwouldhaveahorse，Allwentherefrombadtoworse。

Iunderstandyou，answeredHomenas；thisisoneofthequirksandlittlesatiresofthenew-fangledheretics。

Chapter4。LIII。

Howbythevirtueofthedecretals，goldissubtilelydrawnoutofFrancetoRome。

Iwould，saidEpistemon，ithadcostmeapintofthebesttripethatevercanenterintogut，sowehadbutcomparedwiththeoriginalthedreadfulchapters，Execrabilis，Demulta，Siplures；Deannatispertotum；Nisiessent；Cumadmonasterium；Quoddelectio；Mandatum；andcertainothers，thatdraweveryyearoutofFrancetoRomefourhundredthousandducatsandmore。

Doyoumakenothingofthis？askedHomenas。Though，methinks，afterall，itisbutlittle，ifweconsiderthatFrance，themostChristian，istheonlynursetheseeofRomehas。However，findmeinthewholeworldabook，whetherofphilosophy，physic，law，mathematics，orotherhumanelearning，nay，even，bymyGod，oftheHolyScriptureitself，willdrawasmuchmoneythence？None，none，psha，tush，blurt，pish；nonecan。Youmaylooktillyoureyesdropoutofyourhead，nay，tilldoomsdayintheafternoon，beforeyoucanfindanotherofthatenergy；I\'llpassmywordforthat。

Yetthesedevilishhereticsrefusetolearnandknowit。Burn\'em，tear\'em，nip\'emwithhotpincers，drown\'em，hang\'em，spit\'ematthebunghole，pelt\'em，paut\'em，bruise\'em，beat\'em，cripple\'em，dismember\'em，cut\'em，gut\'em，bowel\'em，paunch\'em，thrash\'em，slash\'em，gash\'em，chop\'em，slice\'em，slit\'em，carve\'em，saw\'em，bethwack\'em，pare\'em，hack\'em，hew\'em，mince\'em，flay\'em，boil\'em，broil\'em，roast\'em，toast\'em，bake\'em，fry\'em，crucify\'em，crush\'em，squeeze\'em，grind\'em，batter\'em，burst\'em，quarter\'em，unlimb\'em，behump\'em，bethump\'em，belam\'em，belabour\'em，pepper\'em，spitchcock\'em，andcarbonade\'emongridirons，thesewickedheretics！decretalifuges，decretalicides，worsethanhomicides，worsethanpatricides，decretalictonesofthedevilofhell。

Asforyouothergoodpeople，Imustearnestlyprayandbeseechyoutobelievenootherthing，tothinkon，say，undertake，ordonootherthing，thanwhat\'scontainedinoursacreddecretalsandtheircorollaries，thisfineSextum，thesefineClementinae，thesefineExtravagantes。Odeificbooks！Soshallyouenjoyglory，honour，exaltation，wealth，dignities，andprefermentsinthisworld；bereveredanddreadedbyall，preferred，elected，andchosenaboveallmen。

Forthereisnotunderthecopeofheavenaconditionofmenoutofwhichyou\'llfindpersonsfittertodoandhandleallthingsthanthosewhobydivineprescience，eternalpredestination，haveappliedthemselvestothestudyoftheholydecretals。

Wouldyouchooseaworthyemperor，agoodcaptain，afitgeneralintimeofwar，onethatcanwellforeseeallinconveniences，avoidalldangers，brisklyandbravelybringhismenontoabreachorattack，stillbeonsuregrounds，alwaysovercomewithoutlossofhismen，andknowhowtomakeagooduseofhisvictory？Takemeadecretist。No，no，Imeanadecretalist。Ho，thefoulblunder，whisperedEpistemon。

Wouldyou，intimeofpeace，findamancapableofwiselygoverningthestateofacommonwealth，ofakingdom，ofanempire，ofamonarchy；

sufficienttomaintaintheclergy，nobility，senate，andcommonsinwealth，friendship，unity，obedience，virtue，andhonesty？Takeadecretalist。

Wouldyoufindamanwho，byhisexemplarylife，eloquence，andpiousadmonitions，mayinashorttime，withouteffusionofhumanblood，conquertheHolyLand，andbringovertotheholyChurchthemisbelievingTurks，Jews，Tartars，Muscovites，Mamelukes，andSarrabonites？Takemeadecretalist。

Whatmakes，inmanycountries，thepeoplerebelliousanddepraved，pagessaucyandmischievous，studentssottishandduncical？Nothingbutthattheirgovernorsandtutorswerenotdecretalists。

Butwhat，onyourconscience，wasit，doyouthink，thatestablished，confirmed，andauthorizedthosefinereligiousorderswithwhomyouseetheChristianworldeverywhereadorned，graced，andillustrated，asthefirmamentiswithitsgloriousstars？Theholydecretals。

Whatwasitthatfounded，underpropped，andfixed，andnowmaintains，nourishes，andfeedsthedevoutmonksandfriarsinconvents，monasteries，andabbeys；sothatdidtheynotdailyandmightilypraywithoutceasing，theworldwouldbeinevidentdangerofreturningtoitsprimitivechaos？

Thesacreddecretals。

WhatmakesanddailyincreasesthefamousandcelebratedpatrimonyofSt。

Peterinplentyofalltemporal，corporeal，andspiritualblessings？Theholydecretals。

WhatmadetheholyapostolicseeandpopeofRome，inalltimes，andatthispresent，sodreadfulintheuniverse，thatallkings，emperors，potentates，andlords，willing，nilling，mustdependuponhim，holdofhim，becrowned，confirmed，andauthorizedbyhim，comethithertostrikesail，buckle，andfalldownbeforehisholyslipper，whosepictureyouhaveseen？

ThemightydecretalsofGod。

Iwilldiscoveryouagreatsecret。Theuniversitiesofyourworldhavecommonlyabook，eitheropenorshut，intheirarmsanddevices；whatbookdoyouthinkitis？Truly，Idonotknow，answeredPantagruel；Ineverreadit。Itisthedecretals，saidHomenas，withoutwhichtheprivilegesofalluniversitieswouldsoonbelost。YoumustownthatIhavetaughtyouthis；ha，ha，ha，ha，ha！

HereHomenasbegantobelch，tofart，tofunk，tolaugh，toslaver，andtosweat；andthenhegavehishugegreasyfour-corneredcaptooneofthelasses，whoclappeditonherprettyheadwithagreatdealofjoy，aftershehadlovinglybussedit，asasuretokenthatsheshouldbefirstmarried。Vivat，criedEpistemon，fifat，bibat，pipat。

Oapocalypticsecret！continuedHomenas；light，light，Clerica；lightherewithdoublelanterns。Nowforthefruit，virgins。

Iwassaying，then，thatgivingyourselvesthuswhollytothestudyoftheholydecretals，youwillgainwealthandhonourinthisworld。Iadd，thatinthenextyouwillinfalliblybesavedintheblessedkingdomofheaven，whosekeysaregiventoourgoodgodanddecretaliarch。Omygoodgod，whomIadoreandneversaw，bythyspecialgraceopenuntous，atthepointofdeathatleast，thismostsacredtreasureofourholyMotherChurch，whoseprotector，preserver，butler，chief-larder，administrator，anddisposerthouart；andtakecare，Ibeseechthee，Olord，thatthepreciousworksofsupererogation，thegoodlypardons，donotfailusintimeofneed；sothatthedevilsmaynotfindanopportunitytogripeourprecioussouls，andthedreadfuljawsofhellmaynotswallowus。Ifwemustpassthroughpurgatorythywillbedone。Itisinthypowertodrawusoutofitwhenthoupleasest。HereHomenasbegantoshedhugehotbrinytears，tobeathisbreast，andkisshisthumbsintheshapeofacross。

Chapter4。LIV。

HowHomenasgavePantagruelsomebon-Christianpears。

Epistemon，FriarJohn，andPanurge，seeingthisdolefulcatastrophe，began，underthecoveroftheirnapkins，tocryMeeow，meeow，meeow；feigningtowipetheireyesallthewhileasiftheyhadwept。Thewenchesweredoublydiligent，andbroughtbrimmersofClementinewinetoeveryone，besidesstoreofsweetmeats；andthusthefeastingwasrevived。

Beforewearosefromtable，Homenasgaveusagreatquantityoffairlargepears，saying，Here，mygoodfriends，thesearesingulargoodpears。Youwillfindnonesuchanywhereelse，Idarewarrant。Everysoilbearsnoteverything，youknow。Indiaaloneboastsblackebony；thebestincenseisproducedinSabaea；thesphragitidearthatLemnos；sothisislandistheonlyplacewheresuchfinepearsgrow。Youmay，ifyouplease，makeseminarieswiththeirpippinsinyourcountry。

Iliketheirtasteextremely，saidPantagruel。Iftheyweresliced，andputintoapanonthefirewithwineandsugar，Ifancytheywouldbeverywholesomemeatforthesick，aswellasforthehealthy。Praywhatdoyoucall\'em？Nootherwisethanyouhaveheard，repliedHomenas。Weareaplaindownrightsortofpeople，asGodwouldhaveit，andcallfigs，figs；

plums，plums；andpears，pears。Truly，saidPantagruel，ifIlivetogohome——whichIhopewillbespeedily，Godwilling——I\'llsetoffandgraffsomeinmygardeninTouraine，bythebanksoftheLoire，andwillcallthembon-Christianorgood-Christianpears，forIneversawbetterChristiansthanarethesegoodPapimans。Iwouldlikehimtwotoonebetteryet，saidFriarJohn，wouldhebutgiveustwoorthreecartloadsofyonbuxomlasses。Why，whatwouldyoudowiththem？criedHomenas。QuothFriarJohn，Noharm，onlybleedthekind-heartedsoulsstraightbetweenthetwogreattoeswithcertaincleverlancetsoftherightstamp；bywhichoperationgoodChristianchildrenwouldbeinoculateduponthem，andthebreedbemultipliedinourcountry，inwhichtherearenotmanyover-good，themore\'sthepity。

Nay，verily，repliedHomenas，wecannotdothis；foryouwouldmakethemtreadtheirshoesawry，cracktheirpipkins，andspoiltheirshapes。Youlovemutton，Isee；youwillrunatsheep。Iknowyoubythatsamenoseandhairofyours，thoughIneversawyourfacebefore。Alas！alas！howkindyouare！Andwouldyouindeeddamnyourprecioussoul？Ourdecretalsforbidthis。Ah，Iwishyouhadthematyourfinger\'s-end。Patience，saidFriarJohn；but，situnonvisdare，praesta，quaesumus。Matterofbreviary。Asforthat，Idefyalltheworld，andIfearnomanthatwearsaheadandahood，thoughhewereacrystalline，Imeanadecretalinedoctor。

Dinnerbeingover，wetookourleaveoftherightreverendHomenas，andofallthegoodpeople，humblygivingthanks；and，tomakethemamendsfortheirkindentertainment，promisedthemthat，atourcomingtoRome，wewouldmakeourapplicationssoeffectuallytothepopethathewouldspeedilybesuretocometovisittheminperson。Afterthiswewento\'board。

Pantagruel，byanactofgenerosity，andasanacknowledgmentofthesightofthepope\'spicture，gaveHomenasninepiecesofdoublefriezedclothofgoldtobesetbeforethegratesofthewindow。Healsocausedthechurchboxforitsrepairsandfabrictobequitefilledwithdoublecrownsofgold；andorderedninehundredandfourteenangelstobedeliveredtoeachofthelasseswhohadwaitedattable，tobuythemhusbandswhentheycouldgetthem。

Chapter4。LV。

HowPantagruel，beingatsea，heardvariousunfrozenwords。

Whenwewereatsea，junketting，tippling，discoursing，andtellingstories，Pantagruelroseandstooduptolookout；thenaskedus，Doyouhearnothing，gentlemen？MethinksIhearsomepeopletalkingintheair，yetIcanseenobody。Hark！Accordingtohiscommandwelistened，andwithfullearssuckedintheairassomeofyousuckoysters，tofindifwecouldhearsomesoundscatteredthroughthesky；andtolosenoneofit，liketheEmperorAntoninussomeofuslaidtheirhandshollownexttotheirears；butallthiswouldnotdo，norcouldwehearanyvoice。YetPantagruelcontinuedtoassureusheheardvariousvoicesintheair，someofmen，andsomeofwomen。

Atlastwebegantofancythatwealsoheardsomething，oratleastthatourearstingled；andthemorewelistened，theplainerwediscernedthevoices，soastodistinguisharticulatesounds。Thismightilyfrightenedus，andnotwithoutcause；sincewecouldseenothing，yetheardsuchvarioussoundsandvoicesofmen，women，children，horses，&c。，insomuchthatPanurgecriedout，Cods-belly，thereisnofoolingwiththedevil；weareallbeshit，let\'sfly。Thereissomeambuscadohereabouts。FriarJohn，artthouheremylove？Ipraythee，s