第19章

Atthisanswer，whichwasdeliveredwithouttheslightestappearanceofirritation，andwiththemostcompletesimplicityandequanimityofmanner，thespectatorstittered，thelittlejudgesmiled，andSerjeantBuzfuzlookedparticularlyfoolish。AfterashortconsultationwithDodsonandFogg，thelearnedSerjeantagainturnedtowardsSam，andsaid，withapainfulefforttoconcealhisvexation，Now，Mr。Weller，I’llaskyouaquestiononanotherpoint，ifyouplease。

Ifyouplease，sir，rejoinedSam，withtheutmostgood-humour。

DoyouremembergoinguptoMrs。Bardell’shouse，onenightinNovemberlast？

Ohyes，verywell。

Oh，youdorememberthat，Mr。Weller，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，recoveringhisspirits。Ithoughtweshouldgetatsomethingatlast。

Iraytherthoughtthat，too，sir，repliedSam。andatthisthespectatorstitteredagain。

Well。Isupposeyouwentuptohavealittletalkaboutthistrial——eh，Mr。Weller？saidSerjeantBuzfuz，lookingknowinglyatthejury。

Iwentuptopaytherent。butwedidgetatalkin’aboutthetrial，repliedSam。

Oh，youdidgetatalkingaboutthetrial，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，brighteningupwiththeanticipationofsomeimportantdiscovery。Nowwhatpassedaboutthetrial。willyouhavethegoodnesstotellus，Mr。Weller？

Vithallthepleasureinlife，sir，repliedSam。Arterafewunimportantobserwationsfromthetwowirtuousfemalesashasbeenexaminedhereto-day，theladiesgetsintoaverygreatstateo’admirationatthehonourableconductofMr。DodsonandFogg——themtwogen’l’menasissettin’nearyounow。This，ofcourse，drewgeneralattentiontoDodsonandFogg，wholookedasvirtuousaspossible。

Theattorneysfortheplaintiff，saidMr。SerjeantBuzfuz。Well！

TheyspokeinhighpraiseofthehonourableconductofMessrs。DodsonandFogg，theattorneysfortheplaintiff，didthey？

Yes，saidSam，theysaidwhatawerygen’rousthingitwaso’themtohavetakenupthecaseonspec，andtochargenothingatallforcosts，unlesstheygot’emoutofMr。Pickwick。

Atthisveryunexpectedreply，thespectatorstitteredagain，andDodsonandFogg，turningveryred，leantovertoSerjeantBuzfuz，andinahurriedmannerwhisperedsomethinginhisear。

Youarequiteright，saidSerjeantBuzfuzaloud，withaffectedcomposure。

It’sperfectlyuseless，mylord，attemptingtogetatanyevidencethroughtheimpenetrablestupidityofthiswitness。Iwillnottroublethecourtbyaskinghimanymorequestions。Standdown，sir。

Wouldanyothergen’l’manliketoaskmeanythin’？inquiredSam，takinguphishat，andlookingroundmostdeliberately。

NotI，Mr。Weller，thankyou，saidSerjeantSnubbin，laughing。

Youmaygodown，sir，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，wavinghishandimpatiently。

Samwentdownaccordingly，afterdoingMessrs。DodsonandFogg’scaseasmuchharmasheconvenientlycould，andsayingjustaslittlerespectingMr。Pickwickasmightbe，whichwaspreciselytheobjecthehadhadinviewallalong。

Ihavenoobjectiontoadmit，mylord，saidSerjeantSnubbin，ifitwillsavetheexaminationofanotherwitness，thatMr。Pickwickhasretiredfrombusiness，andisagentlemanofconsiderableindependentproperty。

Verywell，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，puttinginthetwoletterstoberead，Thenthat’smycase，mylord。

SerjeantSnubbinthenaddressedthejuryonbehalfofthedefendant。

andaverylongandaveryemphaticaddresshedelivered，inwhichhebestowedthehighestpossibleeulogiumsontheconductandcharacterofMr。Pickwick。

butinasmuchasourreadersarefarbetterabletoformacorrectestimateofthatgentleman’smeritsanddeserts，thanSerjeantSnubbincouldpossiblybe，wedonotfeelcalledupontoenteratanylengthintothelearnedgentleman’sobservations。Heattemptedtoshowthattheletterswhichhadbeenexhibited，merelyrelatedtoMr。Pickwick’sdinner，ortothepreparationsforreceivinghiminhisapartmentsonhisreturnfromsomecountryexcursion。

Itissufficienttoaddingeneralterms，thathedidthebesthecouldforMr。Pickwick。andthebest，aseverybodyknows，ontheinfallibleauthorityoftheoldadage，coulddonomore。

Mr。JusticeStareleighsummedup，intheold-establishedandmostapprovedform。Hereadasmuchofhisnotestothejuryashecoulddecipheronsoshortanotice，andmaderunningcommentsontheevidenceashewentalong。IfMrs。Bardellwereright，itwasperfectlyclearthatMr。Pickwickwaswrong，andiftheythoughttheevidenceofMrs。Cluppinsworthyofcredencetheywouldbelieveit，and，iftheydidn’t，whytheywouldn’t。

Iftheyweresatisfiedthatabreachofpromiseofmarriagehadbeencommitted，theywouldfindfortheplaintiffwithsuchdamagesastheythoughtproper。

andif，ontheotherhand，itappearedtothemthatnopromiseofmarriagehadeverbeengiven，theywouldfindforthedefendantwithnodamagesatall。Thejurythenretiredtotheirprivateroomtotalkthematterover，andthejudgeretiredtohisprivateroom，torefreshhimselfwithamuttonchopandaglassofsherry。

Ananxiousquarterofanhourelapsed。thejurycameback。thejudgewasfetchedin。Mr。Pickwickputonhisspectacles，andgazedattheforemanwithanagitatedcountenanceandaquicklybeatingheart。

Gentlemen，saidtheindividualinblack，areyouallagreeduponyourverdict？

Weare，repliedtheforeman。

Doyoufindfortheplaintiff，gentlemen，orforthedefendant？

Fortheplaintiff。

Withwhatdamages，gentlemen？

Sevenhundredandfiftypounds。

Mr。Pickwicktookoffhisspectacles，carefullywipedtheglasses，foldedthemintotheircase，andputtheminhispocket。thenhavingdrawnonhisgloveswithgreatnicety，andstaredattheforemanallthewhile，hemechanicallyfollowedMr。Perkerandthebluebagoutofcourt。

TheystoppedinasideroomwhilePerkerpaidthecourtfees。andhere，Mr。Pickwickwasjoinedbyhisfriends。Here，too，heencounteredMessrs。

DodsonandFogg，rubbingtheirhandswitheverytokenofoutwardsatisfaction。

Well，gentlemen，saidMr。Pickwick。

Well，sir，saidDodson：forselfandpartner。

Youimagineyou’llgetyourcosts，don’tyou，gentlemen？saidMr。

Pickwick。

Foggsaidtheythoughtitratherprobable。Dodsonsmiled，andsaidthey’dtry。

Youmaytry，andtry，andtryagain，Messrs。DodsonandFogg，saidMr。Pickwickvehemently，butnotonefarthingofcostsordamagesdoyouevergetfromme，ifIspendtherestofmyexistenceinadebtor’sprison。

Ha，ha！laughedDodson。You’llthinkbetterofthat，beforenextterm，Mr。Pickwick。

He，he，he！We’llsoonseeaboutthat，Mr。Pickwick，grinnedFogg。

Speechlesswithindignation，Mr。Pickwickallowedhimselftobeledbyhissolicitorandfriendstothedoor，andthereassistedintoahackney-coach，whichhadbeenfetchedforthepurpose，bytheeverwatchfulSamWeller。

Samhadputupthesteps，andwaspreparingtojumpuponthebox，whenhefelthimselfgentlytouchedontheshoulder。andlookinground，hisfatherstoodbeforehim。Theoldgentleman’scountenanceworeamournfulexpression，asheshookhisheadgravely，andsaid，inwarningaccents：

Iknow’dwhat’udcomeo’thisheremodeo’doin’bisness。OhSammy，Sammy，vyworn’tthereaalleybi！

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BATH。ANDGOESACCORDINGLY

BUTsurely，mydearsir，saidlittlePerker，ashestoodinMr。Pickwick’sapartmentonthemorningafterthetrial：

Surelyyoudon’treallymean——reallyandseriouslynow，andirritationapart——thatyouwon’tpaythesecostsanddamages？

Notonehalfpenny，saidMr。Pickwick，firmly。notonehalfpenny。

Hooroarfortheprinciple，asthemoney-lendersaidvenhevouldn’trenewthebill，observedMr。Weller，whowasclearingawaythebreakfastthings。

Sam，saidMr。Pickwick，havethegoodnesstostepdown-stairs。Cert’nly，sir，repliedMr。Weller。andactingonMr。Pickwick’sgentlehint，Samretired。

No，Perker，saidMr。Pickwick，withgreatseriousnessofmanner，myfriendshere，haveendeavouredtodissuademefromthisdetermination，butwithoutavail。Ishallemploymyselfasusual，untiltheoppositepartyhavethepowerofissuingalegalprocessofexecutionagainstme。andiftheyarevileenoughtoavailthemselvesofit，andtoarrestmyperson，Ishallyieldmyselfupwithperfectcheerfulnessandcontentofheart。

Whencantheydothis？

Theycanissueexecution，mydearsir，fortheamountofthedamagesandtaxedcosts，nextterm，repliedPerker，justtwomonthshence，mydearsir。

Verygood，saidMr。Pickwick。Untilthattime，mydearfellow，letmehearnomoreofthematter。Andnow，continuedMr。Pickwick，lookingroundonhisfriendswithagood-humouredsmile，andasparkleintheeyewhichnospectaclescoulddimorconceal，theonlyquestionis，Whereshallwegonext？

Mr。TupmanandMr。Snodgrassweretoomuchaffectedbytheirfriend’sheroismtoofferanyreply。Mr。Winklehadnotyetsufficientlyrecoveredtherecollectionofhisevidenceatthetrial，tomakeanyobservationonanysubject，soMr。Pickwickpausedinvain。

Well，saidthatgentleman，ifyouleavemetosuggestourdestination，IsayBath。Ithinknoneofushaveeverbeenthere。

Nobodyhad。andasthepropositionwaswarmlysecondedbyPerker，whoconsidereditextremelyprobablethatifMr。Pickwicksawalittlechangeandgaietyhewouldbeinclinedtothinkbetterofhisdetermination，andworseofadebtor’sprison，itwascarriedunanimously：andSamwasatoncedispatchedtotheWhiteHorseCellar，totakefiveplacesbythehalf-pastseveno’clockcoach，nextmorning。

Therewerejusttwoplacestobehadinside，andjustthreetobehadout。soSamWellerbookedforthemall，andhavingexchangedafewcomplimentswiththebooking-officeclerkonthesubjectofapewterhalf-crownwhichwastenderedhimasaportionofhischange，walkedbacktotheGeorgeandVulture，wherehewasprettybusilyemployeduntilbed-timeinreducingclothesandlinenintothesmallestpossiblecompass，andexertinghismechanicalgeniusinconstructingavarietyofingeniousdevicesforkeepingthelidsonboxeswhichhadneitherlocksnorhinges。

Thenextwasaveryunpropitiousmorningforajourney——muggy，damp，anddrizzly。Thehorsesinthestagesthatweregoingout，andhadcomethroughthecity，weresmokingso，thattheoutsidepassengerswereinvisible。

Thenewspaper-sellerslookedmoist，andsmeltmouldy。thewetranoffthehatsoftheorange-vendersastheythrusttheirheadsintothecoachwindows，anddilutedtheinsidesinarefreshingmanner。TheJewswiththefiftybladedpenknivesshutthemupindespair。themenwiththepocket-booksmadepocket-booksofthem。Watch-guardsandtoasting-forkswerealikeatadiscount，andpencil-casesandspongewereadruginthemarket。

LeavingSamWellertorescuetheluggagefromthesevenoreightporterswhoflungthemselvessavagelyuponit，themomentthecoachstopped：andfindingthattheywereabouttwentyminutestooearly，Mr。Pickwickandhisfriendswentforshelterintothetravellers’room——thelastresourceofhumandejection。

Thetravellers’roomattheWhiteHorseCellarisofcourseuncomfortable。

itwouldbenotravellers’roomifitwerenot。Itistheright-handparlour，intowhichanaspiringkitchenfire-placeappearstohavewalked，accompaniedbyarebelliouspoker，tongs，andshovel。Itisdividedintoboxes，forthesolitaryconfinementoftravellers，andisfurnishedwithaclock，alooking-glass，andalivewaiter：whichlatterarticleiskeptinasmallkennelforwashingglasses，inacorneroftheapartment。

Oneoftheseboxeswasoccupied，onthisparticularoccasion，byastern-eyedmanofaboutfive-and-forty，whohadabaldandglossyforehead，withagooddealofblackhairatthesidesandbackofhishead，andlargeblackwhiskers。Hewasbuttoneduptothechininabrowncoat。andhadalargeseal-skintravellingcap，andagreat-coatandcloak，lyingontheseatbesidehim。HelookedupfromhisbreakfastasMr。Pickwickentered，withafierceandperemptoryair，whichwasverydignified。andhavingscrutinisedthatgentlemanandhiscompanionstohisentiresatisfaction，hummedatune，inamannerwhichseemedtosaythatherathersuspectedsomebodywantedtotakeadvantageofhim，butitwouldn’tdo。

Waiter，saidthegentlemanwiththewhiskers。

Sir？repliedamanwithadirtycomplexion，andatowelofthesame，emergingfromthekennelbeforementioned。

Somemoretoast。

Yes，sir。

Butteredtoast，mind，saidthegentleman，fiercely。

D’rectly，sir，repliedthewaiter。

Thegentlemanwiththewhiskershummedatuneinthesamemannerasbefore，andpendingthearrivalofthetoast，advancedtothefrontofthefire，and，takinghiscoattailsunderhisarms，lookedathisboots，andruminated。

IwonderwhereaboutsinBaththiscoachputsup，saidMr。Pickwick，mildlyaddressingMr。Winkle。

Hum——eh——what’sthat？saidthestrangeman。

Imadeanobservationtomyfriend，sir，repliedMr。Pickwick，alwaysreadytoenterintoconversation。IwonderedatwhathousetheBathcoachputup。Perhapsyoucaninformme。

AreyougoingtoBath？saidthestrangeman。

Iam，sir，repliedMr。Pickwick。

Andthoseothergentleman？

Theyaregoingalso，saidMr。Pickwick。

Notinside——I’llbedamnedifyou’regoinginside，saidthestrangeman。

Notallofus，saidMr。Pickwick。

No，notallofyou，saidthestrangemanemphatically。I’vetakentwoplaces。Iftheytrytosqueezesixpeopleintoaninfernalboxthatonlyholdsfour，I’lltakeapost-chaiseandbringanaction。I’vepaidmyfare。Itwon’tdo。ItoldtheclerkwhenItookmyplacesthatitwouldn’tdo。Iknowthesethingshavebeendone。Iknowtheyaredoneeveryday。

butIneverwasdone，andIneverwillbe。Thosewhoknowmebest，bestknowit。crushme！Herethefiercegentlemanrangthebellwithgreatviolence，andtoldthewaiterhe’dbetterbringthetoastinfiveseconds，orhe’dknowthereasonwhy。

Mygoodsir，saidMr。Pickwick，youwillallowmetoobservethatthisisaveryunnecessarydisplayofexcitement。Ihaveonlytakenplacesinsidefortwo。

Iamgladtohearit，saidthefierceman。Iwithdrawmyexpressions。

Itenderanapology。There’smycard。Givemeyouracquaintance。

Withgreatpleasure，sir，repliedMr。Pickwick。Wearetobefellowtravellers，andIhopeweshallfindeachother’ssocietymutuallyagreeable。

Ihopeweshall，saidthefiercegentleman。Iknowweshall。Ilikeyourlooks。theypleaseme。Gentlemen，yourhandsandnames。Knowme。

Ofcourse，aninterchangeoffriendlysalutationsfollowedthisgraciousspeech。andthefiercegentlemanimmediatelyproceededtoinformthefriends，inthesameshort，abrupt，jerkingsentences，thathisnamewasDowler。

thathewasgoingtoBathonpleasure。thathewasformerlyinthearmy。

thathehadnowsetupinbusinessasagentleman。thathelivedupontheprofits。andthattheindividualforwhomthesecondplacewastaken，wasapersonagenolessillustriousthanMrs。Dowlerhisladywife。

She’safinewoman，saidMr。Dowler。Iamproudofher。Ihavereason。

IhopeIshallhavethepleasureofjudging，saidMr。Pickwick，withasmile。

Youshall，repliedDowler。Sheshallknowyou。Sheshallesteemyou。

Icourtedherundersingularcircumstances。Iwonherthrougharashvow。

Thus。Isawher。Ilovedher。Iproposed。sherefusedme——`Youloveanother？’——`Sparemyblushes。’——`Iknowhim。’——`Youdo。’——`Verygood。ifheremainshere，I’llskinhim。’

Lordblessme！exclaimedMr。Pickwick，involuntarily。

Didyouskinthegentleman，sir？inquiredMr。Winkle，withaverypaleface。

Iwrotehimanote。Isaiditwasapainfulthing。Andsoitwas。

Certainly，interposedMr。Winkle。

IsaidIhadpledgedmywordasagentlemantoskinhim。Mycharacterwasatstake。Ihadnoalternative。AsanofficerinHisMajesty’sservice，Iwasboundtoskinhim。Iregrettedthenecessity，butitmustbedone。

Hewasopentoconviction。Hesawthattherulesoftheservicewereimperative。

Hefled。Imarriedher。Here’sthecoach。That’sherhead。

AsMr。Dowlerconcluded，hepointedtoastagewhichhadjustdrivenup，fromtheopenwindowofwhicharatherprettyfaceinabrightbluebonnetwaslookingamongthecrowdonthepavement：mostprobablyfortherashmanhimself。Mr。Dowlerpaidhisbillandhurriedoutwithhistravelling-cap，coat，andcloak。andMr。Pickwickandhisfriendsfollowedtosecuretheirplaces。

Mr。TupmanandMr。Snodgrasshadseatedthemselvesatthebackpartofthecoach。Mr。Winklehadgotinside。andMr。Pickwickwaspreparingtofollowhim，whenSamWellercameuptohismaster，andwhisperinginhisear，beggedtospeaktohim，withanairofthedeepestmystery。

Well，Sam，saidMr。Pickwick，what’sthematternow？

Here’sraytherarumgo，sir，repliedSam。

What？inquiredMr。Pickwick。

Thishere，sir，rejoinedSam。I’mwerymuchafeerd，sir，thattheproprieatoro’thisherecoachisaplayin’someimperencevithus。

Howisthat，Sam？saidMr。Pickwick。aren’tthenamesdownontheway-bill？

Thenamesisnotonlydownonthevay-bill，sir，repliedSam，butthey’vepaintedvunon’emup，onthedooro’thecoach。AsSamspoke，hepointedtothatpartofthecoachdooronwhichtheproprietor’snameusuallyappears。andthere，sureenough，ingiltlettersofagoodlysize，wasthemagicnameofPICKWICK！

Dearme，exclaimedMr。Pickwick，quitestaggeredbythecoincidence。

whataveryextraordinarything！

Yes，butthatain’tall，saidSam，againdirectinghismaster’sattentiontothecoachdoor。notcontentvithwritin’upPickwick，theyputs`Moses’

aforeit，vichIcalladdin’insulttoinjury，astheparrotsaidventheynotonlytookhimfromhisnativeland，butmadehimtalktheEnglishlangwidgearterwards。

It’soddenoughcertainly，Sam，saidMr。Pickwick。butifwestandtalkinghere，weshallloseourplaces。

Wot，ain’tnothin’tobedoneinconsequence，sir？exclaimedSam，perfectlyaghastatthecoolnesswithwhichMr。Pickwickappearedtoensconcehimselfinside。

Done！saidMr。Pickwick。Whatshouldbedone？

Ain’tnobodytobewhoppedfortakin’thishereliberty，sir？saidMr。Weller，whohadexpectedthatatleasthewouldhavebeencommissionedtochallengetheguardandcoachmantoapugilisticencounteronthespot。

Certainlynot，repliedMr。Pickwickeagerly。notonanyaccount。

Jumpuptoyourseatdirectly。

I’mwerymuchafeerd，mutteredSamtohimself，asheturnedaway，thatsomethin’queer’scomeoverthegovernor，orhe’dneverha’stoodthissoquiet。Ihopethat’eretrialhasn’tbrokehisspirit，butitlooksbad，werybad。Mr。Wellershookhisheadgravely。anditisworthyofremark，asanillustrationofthemannerinwhichhetookthiscircumstancetoheart，thathedidnotspeakanotherworduntilthecoachreachedtheKensingtonturnpike。Whichwassolongatimeforhimtoremaintaciturn，thatthefactmaybeconsideredwhollyunprecedented。

Nothingworthyofspecialmentionoccurredduringthejourney。Mr。Dowlerrelatedavarietyofanecdotes，allillustrativeofhisownpersonalprowessanddesperation，andappealedtoMrs。Dowlerincorroborationthereof：

whenMrs。Dowlerinvariablybroughtin，intheformofanappendix，someremarkablefactorcircumstancewhichMr。Dowlerhadforgotten，orhadperhapsthroughmodestyomitted：fortheaddendaineveryinstancewenttoshowthatMr。Dowlerwasevenamorewonderfulfellowthanhemadehimselfouttobe。Mr。PickwickandMr。Winklelistenedwithgreatadmiration，andatintervalsconversedwithMrs。Dowler，whowasaveryagreeableandfascinatingperson。So，whatbetweenMr。Dowler’sstories，andMrs。Dowler’scharms，andMr。Pickwick’sgoodhumour，andMr。Winkle’sgoodlistening，theinsidescontrivedtobeverycompanionablealltheway。

Theoutsidesdidasoutsidesalwaysdo。Theywereverycheerfulandtalkativeatthebeginningofeverystage，andverydismalandsleepyinthemiddle，andverybrightandwakefulagaintowardstheend。TherewasoneyounggentlemaninanIndia-rubbercloak，whosmokedcigarsallday。

andtherewasanotheryounggentlemaninaparodyuponagreatcoat，wholightedagoodmany，andfeelingobviouslyunsettledafterthesecondwhiff，threwthemawaywhenhethoughtnobodywaslookingathim。Therewasathirdyoungmanontheboxwhowishedtobelearnedincattle。andanoldonebehind，whowasfamiliarwithfarming。TherewasaconstantsuccessionofChristiannamesinsmockfrocksandwhitecoats，whowereinvitedtohavealiftbytheguard，andwhokneweveryhorseandhostlerontheroadandoffit。andtherewasadinnerwhichwouldhavebeencheapathalf-a-crownamouth，ifanymoderatenumberofmouthscouldhaveeatenitinthetime。Andatseveno’clockP。M。，Mr。Pickwickandhisfriends，andMr。Dowlerandhiswife，respectivelyretiredtotheirprivatesitting-roomsattheWhiteHarthotel，oppositetheGreatPumpRoom，Bath，wherethewaiters，fromtheircostume，mightbemistakenforWestminsterboys，onlytheydestroytheillusionbybehavingthemselvesmuchbetter。

Breakfasthadscarcelybeenclearedawayonthesucceedingmorning，whenawaiterbroughtinMr。Dowler’scard，witharequesttobeallowedpermissiontointroduceafriend。Mr。Dowleratoncefollowedupthedeliveryofthecard，bybringinghimselfandthefriendalso。

Thefriendwasacharmingyoungmanofnotmuchmorethanfifty，dressedinaverybrightbluecoatwithresplendentbuttons，blacktrousers，andthethinnestpossiblepairofhighly-polishedboots。Agoldeye-glasswassuspendedfromhisneckbyashortbroadblackribbon。agoldsnuffboxwaslightlyclaspedinhislefthand。goldringsinnumerableglitteredonhisfingers。andalargediamondpinsetingoldglistenedinhisshirtfrill。Hehadagoldwatch，andagoldcurbchainwithlargegoldseals。

andhecarriedapliantebonycanewithaheavygoldtop。Hislinenwasoftheverywhitest，finest，andstiffest。hiswigoftheglossiest，blackest，andcurliest。Hissnuffwasprinces’mixture。hisscentbouquetduroi。

Hisfeatureswerecontractedintoaperpetualsmile。andhisteethwereinsuchperfectorderthatitwasdifficultatasmalldistancetotelltherealfromthefalse。

Mr。Pickwick，saidMr。Dowler。myfriend，AngeloCyrusBantam，Esquire，M。C。Bantam。Mr。Pickwick。Knoweachother。

WelcometoBa——ath，sir。Thisisindeedanacquisition。MostwelcometoBa——ath，sir。Itislong——verylong，Mr。Pickwick，sinceyoudrankthewaters。Itappearsanage，Mr。Pickwick。Re——markable！

SuchweretheexpressionswithwhichAngeloCyrusBantam，Esquire，M。C。，tookMr。Pickwick’shand。retainingitinhis，meantime，andshrugginguphisshoulderswithaconstantsuccessionofbows，asifhereallycouldnotmakeup-hismindtothetrialoflettingitgoagain。

ItisaverylongtimesinceIdrankthewaters，certainly，repliedMr。Pickwick。fortothebestofmyknowledge，Iwasneverherebefore。

NeverinBa——ath，Mr。Pickwick！exclaimedtheGrandMaster，lettingthehandfallinastonishment。NeverinBa——ath！He！he！Mr。Pickwick，youareawag。Notbad，notbad。Good，good。He！he！he！Re——markable！

Tomyshame，ImustsaythatIamperfectlyserious，rejoinedMr。

Pickwick。Ireallyneverwasherebefore。

Oh，Isee，exclaimedtheGrandMaster，lookingextremelypleased：

Yes，yes——good，good——betterandbetter。Youarethegentlemanofwhomwehaveheard。Yes。weknowyou，Mr。Pickwick。weknowyou。

Thereportsofthetrialinthoseconfoundedpapers，thoughtMr。Pickwick。

Theyhaveheardallaboutme。

YouarethegentlemanresidingonClaphamGreen，resumedBantam，wholosttheuseofhislimbsfromimprudentlytakingcoldafterportwine。

whocouldnotbemovedinconsequenceofacutesuffering，andwhohadthewaterfromtheKing’sBathbottledatonehundredandthreedegrees，andsentbywaggontohisbed-roomintown，wherehebathed，sneezed，andsamedayrecovered。Veryre-markable！

Mr。Pickwickacknowledgedthecomplimentwhichthesuppositionimplied，buthadtheself-denialtorepudiateit，notwithstanding。andtakingadvantageofamoment’ssilenceonthepartoftheM。C。，beggedtointroducehisfriends，Mr。Tupman，Mr。Winkle，andMr。Snodgrass。AnintroductionwhichoverwhelmedtheM。C。withdelightandhonour。

Bantam，saidMr。Dowler，Mr。Pickwickandhisfriendsarestrangers。

Theymustputtheirnamesdown。Where’sthebook？

TheregisterofthedistinguishedvisitorsinBa——athwillbeatthePumpRoomthismorningattwoo’clock，repliedtheM。C。Willyouguideourfriendstothatsplendidbuilding，andenablemetoprocuretheirautographs？

Iwill，rejoinedDowler。Thisisalongcall。It’stimetogo。I

shallbehereagaininanhour。Come。

Thisisaball-night，saidtheM。C。，againtakingMr。Pickwick’shand，asherosetogo。Theball-nightsinBa——atharemomentssnatchedfromParadise。renderedbewitchingbymusic，beauty，elegance，fashion，etiquette，and——and——aboveall，bytheabsenceoftradespeople，whoarequiteinconsistentwithParadise。andwhohaveanamalgamationofthemselvesattheGuildhalleveryfortnight，whichis，tosaytheleast，remarkable。Goodbye，goodbye！andprotestingallthewaydown-stairsthathewasmostsatisfied，andmostdelighted，andmostoverpowered，andmostflattered，AngeloCyrusBantam，Esquire，M。C。，steppedintoaveryelegantchariotthatwaitedatthedoor，andrattledoff。

Attheappointedhour，Mr。Pickwickandhisfriends，escortedbyDowler，repairedtotheAssemblyRooms，andwrotetheirnamesdowninabook。AninstanceofcondescensionatwhichAngeloBantamwasevenmoreoverpoweredthanbefore。Ticketsofadmissiontothatevening’sassemblyweretohavebeenpreparedforthewholeparty，butastheywerenotready，Mr。Pickwickundertook，despitealltheprotestationstothecontraryofAngeloBantam，tosendSamforthematfouro’clockintheafternoon，totheM。C。’shouseinQueenSquare。Havingtakenashortwalkthroughthecity，andarrivedattheunanimousconclusionthatParkStreetwasverymuchliketheperpendicularstreetamanseesinadream，whichhecannotgetupforthelifeofhim，theyreturnedtotheWhiteHart，anddespatchedSamontheerrandtowhichhismasterhadpledgedhim。

SamWellerputonhishatinaveryeasyandgracefulmanner，andthrustinghishandsinhiswaistcoatpockets，walkedwithgreatdeliberationtoQueenSquare，whistlingashewentalong，severalofthemostpopularairsoftheday，asarrangedwithentirelynewmovementsforthatnobleinstrumenttheorgan，eithermouthorbarrel。ArrivingatthenumberinQueenSquaretowhichhehadbeendirected，heleftoffwhistling，andgaveacheerfulknock，whichwasinstantaneouslyansweredbyapowdered-headedfootmaningorgeouslivery，andofsymmetricalstature。

IsthishereMr。Bantam’s，oldfeller？inquiredSamWeller，nothingabashedbytheblazeofsplendourwhichburstuponhissight，inthepersonofthepowdered-headedfootmanwiththegorgeouslivery。

Why，youngman？wasthehaughtyinquiryofthepowdered-headedfootman。

’Cosifitis，jistyoustepintohimwiththat’erecard，andsayMr。Veller’sawaitin’，willyou？saidSam。Andsayingit，heverycoollywalkedintothehall，andsatdown。Thepowdered-headedfootmanslammedthedoorveryhard，andscowledverygrandly。butboththeslamandthescowlwerelostuponSam，whowasregardingamahoganyumbrellastandwitheveryoutwardtokenofcriticalapproval。

Apparently，hismaster’sreceptionofthecardhadimpressedthepowdered-headedfootmaninSam’sfavour，forwhenhecamebackfromdeliveringit，hesmiledinafriendlymanner，andsaidthattheanswerwouldbereadydirectly。

Werygood，saidSam。Telltheoldgen’l’m’nnottoputhimselfinaperspiration。Nohurry，six-foot。I’vehadmydinner。

Youdineearly，sir，saidthepowdered-headedfootman。

IfindsIgetsonbetteratsupperwhenIdoes，repliedSam。

HaveyoubeenlonginBath，sir？inquiredthepowdered-headedfootman。

Ihavenothadthepleasureofhearingofyoubefore。

Ihaven’tcreatedanywerysurprisin’sensationhere，asyet，rejoinedSam，formeandtheotherfash’nablesonlycomelastnight。

Niceplace，sir，saidthepowdered-headedfootman。

Seemsso，observedSam。

Pleasantsociety，sir，remarkedthepowdered-headedfootman。Veryagreeableservants，sir。

Ishouldthinktheywos，repliedSam。Affable，unaffected，say-nothin’-to-nobodysorto’fellers。

Oh，verymuchso，indeed，sir，saidthepowdered-headedfootman，takingSam’sremarkasahighcompliment。Verymuchsoindeed。Doyoudoanythinginthisway，sir？inquiredthetallfootman，producingasmallsnuff-boxwithafox’sheadonthetopofit。

Notwithoutsneezing，repliedSam。

Why，itisdifficult，sir，Iconfess，saidthetallfootman。

Itmaybedonebydegrees，sir。Coffeeisthebestpractice。Icarriedcoffee，sir，foralongtime。Itlooksverylikerappee，sir。

Here，asharppullatthebell，reducedthepowdered-headedfootmantotheignominiousnecessityofputtingthefox’sheadinhispocket，andhasteningwithahumblecountenancetoMr。Bantam’sstudy。Bytheby，whoeverknewamanwhoneverreadorwroteeither，whohadn’tgotsomesmallbackparlourwhichhewouldcallastudy！

Thereistheanswer，sir，saidthepowdered-headedfootman。Iamafraidyou’llfinditinconvenientlylarge。

Don’tmentionit，saidSam，takingaletterwithasmallenclosure。

It’sjustpossibleasexhaustednaturemaymanagetosurwiveit。

Ihopeweshallmeetagain，sir，saidthepowdered-headedfootman，rubbinghishands，andfollowingSamouttothedoor-step。

Youareweryobligin’，sir，repliedSam。Now，don’tallowyourselftobefatiguedbeyondyourpowers。there’saamiablebein’。Considerwhatyouowetosociety，anddon’tletyourselfbeinjuredbytoomuchwork。

Forthesakeo’yourfellercreeturs，keepyourselfasquietasyoucan。

onlythinkwhatalossyouwouldbe！withthesepatheticwords，SamWellerdeparted。

Averysingularyoungmanthat，saidthepowderedheadedfootman，lookingafterMr。Weller，withacountenancewhichclearlyshowedhecouldmakenothingofhim。

Samsaidnothingatall。Hewinked，shookhishead，smiledwinkedagain。

andwithanexpressionofcountenancewhiclseemedtodenotethathewasgreatlyamusedwithsomethingorother，walkedmerrilyaway。

Atpreciselytwentyminutesbeforeeighto’clockthatnight，AngeloCyrusBantam，Esq。，theMasteroftheCeremonies，emergedfromhischariotatthedooroftheAssemblyRoomsinthesamewig，thesameteeth，thesameeye-glass，thesamewatchandseals，thesamerings，thesameshirt-pin，andthesamecane。Theonlyobservablealterationsinhisappearancewere，thatheworeabrighterbluecoat，withawhitesilklining：blacktights，blacksilkstockings，andpumps，andawhitewaistcoat，andwas，ifpossible，justathoughtmorescented。

Thusattired，theMasteroftheCeremonies，instrictdischargeoftheimportantdutiesofhisall-importantoffice，plantedhimselfintheroomstoreceivethecompany。

Bathbeingfull，thecompanyandthesixpencesfortea，pouredin，inshoals。Intheball-room，thelongcard-room，theoctagonalcard-room，thestaircases，andthepassages，thehumofmanyvoices，andthesoundofmanyfeet，wereperfectlybewildering。Dressesrustled，featherswaved，lightsshone，andjewelssparkled。Therewasthemusic——notofthequadrilleband，forithadnotyetcommenced。butthemusicofsofttinyfootsteps，withnowandthenaclearmerrylaugh——lowandgentle，butverypleasanttohearinafemalevoice，whetherinBathorelsewhere。Brillianteyes，lightedupwithpleasurableexpectation，gleamedfromeveryside。andlookwhereyouwould，someexquisiteformglidedgracefullythroughthethrong，andwasnosoonerlost，thanitwasreplacedbyanotherasdaintyandbewitching。

Inthetea-room，andhoveringroundthecard-tables，wereavastnumberofqueeroldladiesanddecrepitoldgentlemen，discussingallthesmalltalkandscandaloftheday，witharelishandgustowhichsufficientlybespoketheintensityofthepleasuretheyderivedfromtheoccupation。

Mingledwiththesegroups，werethreeorfourmatchmakingmammas，appearingtobewhollyabsorbedbytheconversationinwhichtheyweretakingpart，butfailingnotfromtimetotimetocastananxioussidelongglanceupontheirdaughters，who，rememberingthematernalinjunctiontomakethebestuseoftheiryouth，hadalreadycommencedincipientflirtationsinthemislayingofscarves，puttingongloves，settingdowncups，andsoforth。

slightmattersapparently，butwhichmaybeturnedtosurprisinglygoodaccountbyexpertpractitioners。

Loungingnearthedoors，andinremotecorners，werevariousknotsofsillyyoungmen，displayingvariousvarietiesofpuppyismandstupidity。

amusingallsensiblepeoplenearthemwiththeirfollyandconceit。andhappilythinkingthemselvestheobjectsofgeneraladmiration。Awiseandmercifuldispensationwhichnogoodmanwillquarrelwith。

Andlastly，seatedonsomeofthebackbenches，wheretheyhadalreadytakenuptheirpositionsfortheevening，werediversunmarriedladiespasttheirgrandclimacteric，who，notdancingbecausetherewerenopartnersforthem，andnotplayingcardslesttheyshouldbesetdownasirretrievablysingle，wereinthefavourablesituationofbeingabletoabuseeverybodywithoutreflectingonthemselves。Inshort，theycouldabuseeverybody，becauseeverybodywasthere。Itwasasceneofgaiety，glitter，andshow。

ofrichly-dressedpeople，handsomemirrors，chalkedfloors，girandoles，andwax-candles。andinallpartsofthescene，glidingfromspottospotinsilentsoftness，bowingobsequiouslytothisparty，noddingfamiliarlytothat，andsmilingcomplacentlyonall，wasthesprucelyattiredpersonofAngeloCyrusBantam，Esquire，MasteroftheCeremonies。

Stopinthetea-room。Takeyoursixpenn’orth。Theylayonhotwater，andcallittea。Drinkit，saidMr。Dowler，inaloudvoice，directingMr。Pickwick，whoadvancedattheheadofthelittleparty，withMrs。Dowleronhisarm。Intothetea-roomMr。Pickwickturned。andcatchingsightofhim，Mr。Bantamcorkscrewedhiswaythroughthecrowd，andwelcomedhimwithecstasy。

Mydearsir，Iamhighlyhonoured。Ba——athisfavoured。Mrs。Dowler，youembellishtherooms。Icongratulateyouonyourfeathers。Re——markable！

Anybodyhere？inquiredDowler，suspiciously。

Anybody！TheeliteofBa——ath。Mr。Pickwick，doyouseetheladyinthegauzeturban？

Thefatoldlady？inquiredMr。Pickwick，innocently。

Hush，mydearsir——nobody’sfatoroldinBa——ath。That’stheDowagerLadySnuphanuph。

Isitindeed？saidMr。Pickwick。

Nolessaperson，Iassureyou，saidtheMasteroftheCeremonies。

Hush。Drawalittlenearer，Mr。Pickwick。Youseethesplendidlydressedyoungmancomingthisway？

Theonewiththelonghair，andtheparticularlysmallforehead？inquiredMr。Pickwick。

Thesame。TherichestyoungmaninBa——athatthismoment。YoungLordMutanhed。

Youdon’tsayso？saidMr。Pickwick。

Yes。You’llhearhisvoiceinamoment，Mr。Pickwick。He’llspeaktome。Theothergentlemanwithhim，intheredunderwaistcoatanddarkmoustache，istheHonourableMr。Crushton，hisbosomfriend，Howdoyoudo，mylord？

Vewayhot，Bantam，saidhislordship。

Itisverywarm，mylord，repliedtheM。C。

Confounded，assentedtheHonourableMr。Crushton。

Haveyouseenhislordship’smailcart，Bantam？inquiredtheHonourableMr。Crushton，afterashortpause，duringwhichyoungLordMutanhedhadbeenendeavouringtostareMr。Pickwickoutofcountenance，andMr。Crushtonhadbeenreflectingwhatsubjecthislordshipcouldtalkaboutbest。

Dearme，no，repliedtheM。C。Amailcart！Whatanexcellentidea。

Re——markable！

Gwaciousheavens！saidhislordship，Ithoughtevewebodyhadseenthenewmailcart。it’stheneatest，pwettiest，gwacefullestthingthateverwanuponwheels。Paintedwed，withacweampiebald。

Witharealboxfortheletters，andallcomplete，saidtheHonourableMr。Crushton。

Andalittleseatinfwont，withaniwonwail，forthedwiver，addedhislordship。IdwoveitovertoBwistoltheothermorning，inacwimsoncoat，withtwoservantswidingaquarterofamilebehind。andconfoundmeifthepeopledidn’twushoutoftheircottages，andawestmypwogwess，toknowifIwasn’tthepost。Glorwious，glorwious！

Atthisanecdotehislordshiplaughedveryheartily，asdidthelisteners，ofcourse。Then，drawinghisarmthroughthatoftheobsequiousMr。Crushton，LordMutanhedwalkedaway。

Delightfulyoungman，hislordship，saidtheMasteroftheCeremonies。

SoIshouldthink，rejoinedMr。Pickwick，drily。

Thedancinghavingcommenced，thenecessaryintroductionshavingbeenmade，andallpreliminariesarranged，AngeloBantamrejoinedMr。Pickwick，andledhimintothecard-room。

Justattheverymomentoftheirentrance，theDowagerLadySnuphanuphandtwootherladiesofanancientandwhist-likeappearance，werehoveringoveranunoccupiedcard-table。andtheynosoonerseteyesuponMr。PickwickundertheconvoyofAngeloBantam，thantheyexchangedglanceswitheachother，seeingthathewaspreciselytheverypersontheywanted，tomakeuptherubber。

MydearBantam，saidtheDowagerLadySnuphanuph，coaxingly，findussomenicecreaturetomakeupthistable。there’sagoodsoul。Mr。

Pickwickhappenedtobelookinganotherwayatthemoment，soherladyshipnoddedherheadtowardshim，andfrownedexpressively。

MyfriendMr。Pickwick，mylady，willbemosthappy，Iamsure，re——markablyso，saidtheM。C。，takingthehint。Mr。Pickwick，LadySnuphanuph——Mrs。

ColonelWugsby——MissBolo。

Mr。Pickwickbowedtoeachoftheladies，and，findingescapeimpossible，cut。Mr。PickwickandMissBoloagainstLadySnuphanuphandMrs。ColonelWugsby。

Asthetrumpcardwasturnedup，atthecommencementoftheseconddeal，twoyoungladieshurriedintotheroom，andtooktheirstationsoneithersideofMrs。ColonelWugsby’schair，wheretheywaitedpatientlyuntilthehandwasover。

Now，Jane，saidMrs。ColonelWugsby，turningtooneofthegirls，whatisit？

Icametoask，ma，whetherImightdancewiththeyoungestMr。Crawley，

whisperedtheprettierandyoungerofthetwo。

GoodGod，Jane，howcanyouthinkofsuchthings？repliedthemamma。

indignantly。Haven’tyourepeatedlyheardthathisfatherhaseighthundreda-year，whichdieswithhim？Iamashamedofyou。Notonanyaccount。

Ma，whisperedtheother，whowasmucholderthanhersister，andveryinsipidandartificial，LordMutanhedhasbeenintroducedtome。IsaidIthoughtIwasn’tengaged，ma。

You’reasweetpet，mylove，repliedMrs。ColonelWugsby，tappingherdaughter’scheekwithherfan，andarealwaystobetrusted。he’simmenselyrich，mydear。Blessyou！WiththesewordsMrs。ColonelWugsbykissedhereldestdaughtermostaffectionately，andfrowninginawarningmannerupontheother，sortedhercards。

PoorMr。Pickwick！hehadneverplayedwiththreethorough-pacedfemalecard-playersbefore。Theyweresodesperatelysharp，thattheyquitefrightenedhim。Ifheplayedawrongcard，MissBololookedasmallarmouryofdaggers。

ifhestoppedtoconsiderwhichwastherightone，LadySnuphanuphwouldthrowherselfbackinherchair，andsmilewithamingledglanceofimpatienceandpitytoMrs。ColonelWugsby。atwhichMrs。ColonelWugsbywouldshruguphershoulders，andcough，asmuchastosayshewonderedwhetherheeverwouldbegin。Then，attheendofeveryhand，MissBolowouldinquirewithadismalcountenanceandreproachfulsigh，whyMr。Pickwickhadnotreturnedthatdiamond，orledtheclub，orroughedthespade，orfinessedtheheart，orledthroughthehonour，orbroughtouttheace，orplayeduptotheking，orsomesuchthing。andinreplytoallthesegravecharges，Mr。Pickwickwouldbewhollyunabletopleadanyjustificationwhatever，havingbythistimeforgottenallaboutthegame。Peoplecameandlookedon，too，whichmadeMr。Pickwicknervous。Besidesallthis，therewasagreatdealofdistractingconversationnearthetable，betweenAngeloBantamandthetwoMissMatinters，who，beingsingleandsingular，paidgreatcourttotheMasteroftheCeremonies，inthehopeofgettingastraypartnernowandthen。Allthesethings，combinedwiththenoisesandinterruptionsofconstantcomingsinandgoingsout，madeMr。Pickwickplayratherbadly。

thecardswereagainsthim，also。andwhentheyleftoffattenminutespasteleven，MissBolorosefromthetableconsiderablyagitated，andwentstraighthome，inafloodoftears，andasedan-chair。

Beingjoinedbyhisfriends，whooneandallprotestedthattheyhadscarcelyeverspentamorepleasantevening，Mr。PickwickaccompaniedthemtotheWhiteHart，andhavingsoothedhisfeelingswithsomethinghot，wenttobed，andtosleep，almostsimultaneously。

[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter36[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXXVITHECHIEFFEATURESOFWHICH，WILLBEFOUNDTOBE

ANAUTHENTICVERSIONOFTHELEGENDOFPRINCEBLADUD，ANDAMOSTEXTRAORDINARY

CALAMITYTHATBEFELLMR。WINKLE

AsMr。PickwickcontemplatedastayofatleasttwomonthsinBath，hedeemeditadvisabletotakeprivatelodgingsforhimselfandfriendsforthatperiod。andasafavourableopportunityofferedfortheirsecuring，onmoderateterms，theupperportionofahouseintheRoyalCrescent，whichwaslargerthantheyrequired，Mr。andMrs。Dowlerofferedtorelievethemofabed-roomandsitting-room。Thispropositionwasatonceaccepted，andinthreedays’timetheywerealllocatedintheirnewabode，whenMr。Pickwickbegantodrinkthewaterswiththeutmostassiduity。Mr。Pickwicktookthemsystematically。Hedrankaquarterofapintbeforebreakfast，andthenwalkedupahill。andanotherquarterofapintafterbreakfast，andthenwalkeddownahill。andaftereveryfreshquarterofapint，Mr。

Pickwickdeclared，inthemostsolemnandemphaticterms，thathefeltagreatdealbetter：whereathisfriendswereverymuchdelighted，thoughtheyhadnotbeenpreviouslyawarethattherewasanythingthematterwithhim。

Thegreatpump-roomisaspacioussaloon，ornamentedwithCorinthianpillars，andamusicgallery，andaTompionclock，andastatueofNash，andagoldeninscription，towhichallthewater-drinkersshouldattend，foritappealstotheminthecauseofadeservingcharity。Thereisalargebarwithamarblevase，outofwhichthepumpergetsthewater。andthereareanumberofyellow-lookingtumblers，outofwhichthecompanygetit。anditisamostedifyingandsatisfactorysighttobeholdtheperseveranceandgravitywithwhichtheyswallowit。Therearebathsnearathand，inwhichapartofthecompanywashthemselves。andabandplaysafterwards，tocongratulatetheremainderontheirhavingdoneso。Thereisanotherpump-room，intowhichinfirmladiesandgentlemenarewheeled，insuchanastonishingvarietyofchairsandchaises，thatanyadventurousindividualwhogoesinwiththeregularnumberoftoes，isinimminentdangerofcomingoutwithoutthem。andthereisathird，intowhichthequietpeoplego，foritislessnoisythaneither。Thereisanimmensityofpromenading，oncrutchesandoff，withsticksandwithout，andagreatdealofconversation，andliveliness，andpleasantry。

Everymorning，theregularwater-drinkers，Mr。Pickwickamongthenumber，meteachotherinthepump-room，tooktheirquarterofapint，andwalkedconstitutionally。Attheafternoon’spromenade，LordMutanhed，andtheHonourableMr。Crushton，theDowagerLadySnuphanuph，Mrs。ColonelWugsby，andallthegreatpeople，andallthemorningwater-drinkers，metingrandassemblage。Afterthis，theywalkedout，ordroveout，orwerepushedoutinbathchairs，andmetoneanotheragain。Afterthis，thegentlemenwenttothereading-roomsandmetdivisionsofthemass。Afterthis，theywenthome。Ifitweretheatrenight，perhapstheymetatthetheatre。ifitwereassemblynight，theymetattherooms。andifitwereneither，theymetthenextday。Averypleasantroutine，withperhapsaslighttingeofsameness。

Mr。Pickwickwassittingupbyhimself，afteradayspentinthismanner，makingentriesinhisjournal：hisfriendshavingretiredtobed：whenhewasrousedbyagentletapattheroomdoor。

Begyourpardon，sir，saidMrs。Craddock，thelandlady，peepingin。

butdidyouwantanythingmore，sir？

Nothingmore，ma’am，repliedMr。Pickwick。

Myyounggirlisgonetobed，sir，saidMrs。Craddock。andMr。Dowlerisgoodenoughtosaythathe’llsitupforMrs。Dowler，asthepartyisn’texpectedtobeovertilllate。soIwasthinkingifyouwantednothingmore，Mr。Pickwick，Iwouldgotobed。

Byallmeans，ma’am，repliedMr。Pickwick。

Wishyougoodnight，sir，saidMrs。Craddock。

Goodnight，ma’am，rejoinedMr。Pickwick。

Mrs。Craddockclosedthedoor，andMr。Pickwickresumedhiswriting。

Inhalfanhour’stimetheentrieswereconcluded。Mr。Pickwickcarefullyrubbedthelastpageontheblotting-paper，shutupthebook，wipedhispenonthebottomoftheinsideofhiscoattail，andopenedthedraweroftheinkstandtoputitcarefullyaway。Therewereacoupleofsheetsofwriting-paper，prettycloselywrittenover，intheinkstanddrawer，andtheywerefoldedso，thatthetitle，whichwasinagoodroundhand，wasfullydisclosedtohim。Seeingfromthis，thatitwasnoprivatedocument：

andasitseemedtorelatetoBath，andwasveryshort：Mr。Pickwickunfoldedit，lightedhisbed-roomcandlethatitmightburnupwellbythetimehefinished。anddrawinghischairnearerthefire，readasfollows：THETRUELEGENDOFPRINCEBLADUD

Lessthantwohundredyearsago，ononeofthepublicbathsinthiscity，thereappearedaninscriptioninhonourofitsmightyfounder，therenownedPrinceBladud。Thatinscriptionisnowerased。

Formanyhundredyearsbeforethattime，therehadbeenhandeddown，fromagetoage，anoldlegend，thattheillustriousPrincebeingafflictedwithleprosy，onhisreturnfromreapingarichharvestofknowledgeinAthens，shunnedthecourtofhisroyalfather，andconsortedmoodilywithhusband-menandpigs。Amongtheherd(sosaidthelegend)wasapigofgraveandsolemncountenance，withwhomthePrincehadafellowfeeling——forhetoowaswise——apigofthoughtfulandreserveddemeanour。ananimalsuperiortohisfellows，whosegruntwasterrible，andwhosebitewassharp。

TheyoungPrincesigheddeeplyashelookeduponthecountenanceofthemajesticswine。hethoughtofhisroyalfather，andhiseyeswerebedewedwithtears。

Thissagaciouspigwasfondofbathinginrich，moistmud。Notinsummer，ascommonpigsdo，now，tocoolthemselves，anddideveninthosedistantages(whichisaproofthatthelightofcivilisationhadalreadybeguntodawn，thoughfeebly)，butinthecoldsharpdaysofwinter。Hiscoatwaseversosleek，andhiscomplexionsoclear，thatthePrinceresolvedtoessaythepurifyingqualitiesofthesamewaterthathisfriendresortedto。Hemadethetrial。Beneaththatblackmud，bubbledthehotspringsofBath。Hewashed，andwascured。Hasteningtohisfather’scourt，hepaidhisbestrespects，andreturningquicklyhither，foundedthiscity，anditsfamousbaths。

Hesoughtthepigwithalltheardouroftheirearlyfriendship——but，alas！thewatershadbeenhisdeath。Hehadimprudentlytakenabathattoohighatemperature，andthenaturalphilosopherwasnomore！HewassucceededbyPliny，whoalsofellavictimtohisthirstforknowledge。

Thiswasthelegend。Listentothetrueone。

Agreatmanycenturiessince，thereflourished，ingreatstate，thefamousandrenownedLudHudibras，kingofBritain。Hewasamightymonarch。

Theearthshookwhenhewalked。hewassoverystout。Hispeoplebaskedinthelightofhiscountenance：itwassoredandglowing。Hewas，indeed，everyinchaking。Andtherewereagoodmanyinchesofhimtoo，foralthoughhewasnotverytall，hewasaremarkablesizeround，andtheinchesthathewantedinheight，hemadeupincircumference。Ifanydegeneratemonarchofmoderntimescouldbeinanywaycomparedwithhim，IshouldsaythevenerableKingColewouldbethatillustriouspotentate。

Thisgoodkinghadaqueen，whoeighteenyearsbefore，hadhadason，whowascalledBladud。Hewassenttoapreparatoryseminaryinhisfather’sdominionsuntilhewastenyearsold，andwasthendispatched，inchargeofatrustymessenger，toafinishingschoolatAthens。andastherewasnoextrachargeforremainingduringtheholidays，andnonoticerequiredprevioustotheremovalofapupil，thereheremainedforeightlongyears，attheexpirationofwhichtime，thekinghisfathersentthelordchamberlainover，tosettlethebill，andtobringhimhome。which，thelordchamberlaindoing，wasreceivedwithshouts，andpensionedimmediately。

WhenKingLudsawthePrincehisson，andfoundhehadgrownupsuchafineyoungman，heperceivedatoncewhatagrandthingitwouldbetohavehimmarriedwithoutdelay，sothathischildrenmightbethemeansofperpetuatingthegloriousraceofLud，downtotheverylatestagesoftheworld。Withthisview，hesentaspecialembassy，composedofgreatnoblemenwhohadnothingparticulartodo，andwantedlucrativeemployment，toaneighbouringking，anddemandedhisfairdaughterinmarriageforhisson。statingatthesametimethathewasanxioustobeonthemostaffectionatetermswithhisbrotherandfriend，butthatiftheycouldn’tagreeinarrangingthismarriage，heshouldbeundertheunpleasantnecessityofinvadinghiskingdom，andputtinghiseyesout。Tothis，theotherking(whowastheweakerofthetwo)replied，thathewasverymuchobligedtohisfriendandbrotherforallhisgoodnessandmagnanimity，andthathisdaughterwasquitereadytobemarried，wheneverPrinceBladudlikedtocomeandfetchher。

ThisanswernosoonerreachedBritain，thanthewholenationweretransportedwithjoy。Nothingwasheard，onallsides，butthesoundsoffeastingandrevelry，——exceptthechinkingofmoneyasitwaspaidinbythepeopletothecollectoroftheRoyalTreasures，todefraytheexpensesofthehappyceremony。ItwasuponthisoccasionthatKingLud，seatedonthetopofhisthroneinfullcouncil，rose，intheexuberanceofhisfeelings，andcommandedthelordchiefjusticetoorderintherichestwinesandthecourtminstrels：anactofgraciousnesswhichhasbeen，throughtheignoranceoftraditionaryhistorians，attributedtoKingCole，inthosecelebratedlinesinwhichhismajestyisrepresentedasCallingforhispipe，andcallingforhispot，Andcallingforhisfiddlersthree。

WhichisanobviousinjusticetothememoryofKingLud，andadishonestexaltationofthevirtuesofKingCole。

But，inthemidstofallthisfestivityandrejoicing，therewasoneindividualpresent，whotastednotwhenthesparklingwineswerepouredforth，andwhodancednot，whentheminstrelsplayed。ThiswasnootherthanPrinceBladudhimself，inhonourofwhosehappinessawholepeoplewereatthatverymoment，strainingaliketheirthroatsandpursestrings。

Thetruthwas，thatthePrince，forgettingtheundoubtedrightoftheministerforforeignaffairstofallinloveonhisbehalf，had，contrarytoeveryprecedentofpolicyanddiplomacy，alreadyfalleninloveonhisownaccount，andprivatelycontractedhimselfuntothefairdaughterofanobleAthenian。

Herewehaveastrikingexampleofoneofthemanifoldadvantagesofcivilisationandrefinement。IfthePrincehadlivedinlaterdays，hemightatoncehavemarriedtheobjectofhisfather’schoice，andthensethimselfseriouslytowork，torelievehimselfoftheburdenwhichrestedheavilyuponhim。Hemighthaveendeavouredtobreakherheartbyasystematiccourseofinsultandneglect。or，ifthespiritofhersex，andaproudconsciousnessofhermanywrongshadupheldherunderthisilltreatment，hemighthavesoughttotakeherlife，andsogetridofhereffectually。

ButneithermodeofreliefsuggesteditselftoPrinceBladud。sohesolicitedaprivateaudience，andtoldhisfather。

Itisanoldprerogativeofkingstogoverneverythingbuttheirpassions。

KingLudflewintoafrightfulrage，tossedhiscrownuptotheceiling，andcaughtitagain——forinthosedayskingskepttheircrownsontheirheads，andnotintheTower——stampedtheground，rappedhisforehead，wonderedwhyhisownfleshandbloodrebelledagainsthim，and，finally，callinginhisguards，orderedthePrinceawaytoinstantconfinementinaloftyturret。acourseoftreatmentwhichthekingsofoldverygenerallypursuedtowardstheirsons，whentheirmatrimonialinclinationsdidnothappentopointtothesamequarterastheirown。

WhenPrinceBladudhadbeenshutupintheloftyturretforthegreaterpartofayear，withnobetterprospectbeforehisbodilyeyesthanastonewall，orbeforehismentalvisionthanprolongedimprisonment，henaturallybegantoruminateonaplanofescape，which，aftermonthsofpreparation，hemanagedtoaccomplish。consideratelyleavinghisdinnerknifeintheheartofhisgaoler，lestthepoorfellow(whohadafamily)shouldbeconsideredprivytohisflight，andpunishedaccordinglybytheinfuriatedking。

Themonarchwasfranticatthelossofhisson。Heknewnotonwhomtoventhisgriefandwrath，untilfortunatelybethinkinghimselfoftheLordChamberlainwhohadbroughthimhome，hestruckoffhispensionandhisheadtogether。

Meanwhile，theyoungPrince，effectuallydisguised，wanderedonfootthroughhisfather’sdominions，cheeredandsupportedinallhishardshipsbysweetthoughtsoftheAthenianmaid，whowastheinnocentcauseofhiswearytrials。Onedayhestoppedtorestinacountryvillage。andseeingthatthereweregaydancesgoingforwardonthegreen，andgayfacespassingtoandfro，venturedtoinquireofarevellerwhostoodnearhim，thereasonforthisrejoicing。

`Knowyounot，Ostranger，’wasthereply，`oftherecentproclamationofourgraciousking？’

`Proclamation！No。Whatproclamation？’rejoinedthePrince——forhehadtravelledalongthebyeandlittle-frequentedways，andknewnothingofwhathadpasseduponthepublicroads，suchastheywere。

`Why，’repliedthepeasant，`theforeignladythatourPrincewishedtowed，ismarriedtoaforeignnobleofherowncountry。andthekingproclaimsthefact，andagreatpublicfestivalbesides。fornow，ofcourse，PrinceBladudwillcomebackandmarrytheladyhisfatherchose，whotheysayisasbeautifulasthenoondaysun。Yourhealth，sir。Godsavetheking！’

ThePrinceremainedtohearnomore。Hefledfromthespot，andplungedintothethickestrecessesofaneighbouringwood。On，on，hewandered，nightandday：beneaththeblazingsun，andthecoldpalemoon：throughthedryheatofnoon，andthedampcoldofnight：inthegreylightofmorn，andtheredglareofeve。Soheedlesswasheoftimeorobject，thatbeingboundforAthens，hewanderedasfaroutofhiswayasBath。

TherewasnocitywhereBathstands，then。Therewasnovestigeofhumanhabitation，orsignofman’sresort，tobearthename。buttherewasthesamenoblecountry，thesamebroadexpanseofhillanddale，thesamebeautifulchannelstealingon，faraway：thesameloftymountainswhich，likethetroublesoflife，viewedatadistance，andpartiallyobscuredbythebrightmistofitsmorning，losetheirruggednessandasperity，andseemalleaseandsoftness。Movedbythegentlebeautyofthescene，thePrincesankuponthegreenturf，andbathedhisswollenfeetinhistears。

`Oh！’saidtheunhappyBladud，claspinghishands，andmournfullyraisinghiseyestowardsthesky，`wouldthatmywanderingsmightendhere！WouldthatthesegratefultearswithwhichInowmournhopemisplaced，andlovedespised，mightflowinpeaceforever！’

Thewishwasheard。Itwasinthetimeoftheheathendeities，whousedoccasionallytotakepeopleattheirwords，withapromptness，insomecasesextremelyawkward。ThegroundopenedbeneaththePrince’sfeet。

hesunkintothechasm。andinstantaneouslyitcloseduponhisheadforever，savewherehishottearswelledupthroughtheearth，andwheretheyhavecontinuedtogushfortheversince。

Itisobservablethat，tothisday，largenumbersofelderlyladiesandgentlemenwhohavebeendisappointedinprocuringpartners，andalmostasmanyyoungoneswhoareanxioustoobtainthem，repair，annually，toBathtodrinkthewaters，fromwhichtheyderivemuchstrengthandcomfort。

ThisismostcomplimentarytothevirtueofPrinceBladud’stears，andstronglycorroborativeoftheveractiyofthislegend。

Mr。Pickwickyawnedseveraltimes，whenhehadarrivedattheendofthislittlemanuscript：carefullyrefolded，andreplaceditintheinkstanddrawer：andthen，withacountenanceexpressiveoftheutmostweariness，lightedhischambercandle，andwentup-stairstobed。

HestoppedatMr。Dowler’sdoor，accordingtocustom，andknockedtosaygoodnight。

Ah！saidDowler，goingtobed？IwishIwas。Dismalnight。Windy。

isn’tit？

Very，saidMr。Pickwick。Goodnight。

Goodnight。

Mr。Pickwickwenttohisbed-chamber，andMr。Dowlerresumedhisseatbeforethefire，infulfilmentofhisrashpromisetosituptillhiswifecamehome。

Therearefewthingsmoreworryingthansittingupforsomebody，especiallyifthatsomebodybeataparty。Youcannothelpthinkinghowquicklythetimepasseswiththem，whichdragssoheavilywithyou。andthemoreyouthinkofthis，themoreyourhopesoftheirspeedyarrivaldecline。Clocksticksoloud，too，whenyouaresittingupalone，andyouseemasifyouhadanundergarmentofcobwebson。First，somethingticklesyourrightknee，andthenthesamesensationirritatesyourleft。Youhavenosoonerchangedyourposition，thanitcomesagaininthearms。whenyouhavefidgetedyourlimbsintoallsortsofoddshapes，youhaveasuddenrelapseinthenose，whichyourubasiftorubitoff——asthereisnodoubtyouwould，ifyoucould。Eyes，too，aremerepersonalinconveniences。andthewickofonecandlegetsaninchandahalflong，whileyouaresnuffingtheother。These，andvariousotherlittlenervousannoyances，rendersittingupforalengthoftimeaftereverybodyelsehasgonetobed，anythingbutacheerfulamusement。

ThiswasjustMr。Dowler’sopinion，ashesatbeforethefire，andfelthonestlyindignantwithalltheinhumanpeopleatthepartywhowerekeepinghimup。Hewasnotputintobetterhumoureither，bythereflectionthathehadtakenitintohishead，earlyintheevening，tothinkhehadgotanachethere，andsostoppedathome。Atlength，afterseveraldroppingsasleep，andfallingsforwardtowardsthebars，andcatchingsbackwardsoonenoughtopreventbeingbrandedintheface，Mr。Dowlermadeuphismindthathewouldthrowhimselfonthebedintheback-roomandthink——notsleep，ofcourse。