第7章

Certainly。

Andwhat，sir——saidPott——what，sir，letmeaskyouasanimpartialman，isthestateofthepublicmindinLondon，withreferencetomycontestwiththeIndependent？

Greatlyexcited，nodoubt，interposedMr。Perker，withalookofslynesswhichwasverylikelyaccidental。

Thecontest，saidPott，shallbeprolongedsolongasIhavehealthandstrength，andthatportionoftalentwithwhichIamgifted。Fromthatcontest，sir，althoughitmayunsettlemen’smindsandexcitetheirfeelings，andrenderthemincapableforthedischargeoftheevery-daydutiesofordinarylife。fromthatcontest，sir，Iwillnevershrink，tillIhavesetmyheelupontheEatanswillIndependent。IwishthepeopleofLondon，andthepeopleofthiscountrytoknow，sir，thattheymayrelyuponme——thatIwillnotdesertthem，thatIamresolvedtostandbythem，sir，tothelast。

Yourconductismostnoble，sir，saidMr。Pickwick。andhegraspedthehandofthemagnanimousPott。

Youare，sir，Iperceive，amanofsenseandtalent，saidMr。Pott，almostbreathlesswiththevehemenceofhispatrioticdeclaration。Iammosthappy，sir，tomaketheacquaintanceofsuchaman。

AndI，saidMr。Pickwick，feeldeeplyhonouredbythisexpressionofyouropinion。Allowme，sir，tointroduceyoutomyfellow-travellers，theothercorrespondingmembersoftheclubIamproudtohavefounded。

Ishallbedelighted，saidMr。Pott。

Mr。Pickwickwithdrew，andreturningwithhisfriends，presentedthemindueformtotheeditoroftheEatanswillGazette。

Now，mydearPott，saidlittleMr。Perker，thequestionis，whatarewetodowithourfriendshere？

Wecanstopinthishouse，Isuppose，saidMr。Pickwick。

Notasparebedinthehouse，mydearsir——notasinglebed。

Extremelyawkward，saidMr。Pickwick。

Very。saidhisfellow-voyagers。

Ihaveanideauponthissubject，saidMr。Pott，whichIthinkmaybeverysuccessfullyadopted。TheyhavetwobedsatthePeacock，andI

canboldlysay，onbehalfofMrs。Pott，thatshewillbedelightedtoaccommodateMr。Pickwickandanyofhisfriends，iftheothertwogentlemenandtheirservantdonotobjecttoshifting，astheybestcan，atthePeacock。

AfterrepeatedpressingsonthepartofMr。Pott，andrepeatedprotestationsonthatofMr。Pickwickthathecouldnotthinkofincommodingortroublinghisamiablewife，itwasdecidedthatitwastheonlyfeasiblearrangementthatcouldbemade。Soitwasmade。andafterdiningtogetherattheTownArms，thefriendsseparated，Mr。TupmanandMr。SnodgrassrepairingtothePeacock，andMr。PickwickandMr。WinkleproceedingtothemansionofMr。Pott。ithavingbeenpreviouslyarrangedthattheyshouldallreassembleattheTownArmsinthemorning，andaccompanythehonourableSamuelSlumkey’sprocessiontotheplaceofnomination。

Mr。Pott’sdomesticcirclewaslimitedtohimselfandhiswife。Allmenwhommightygeniushasraisedtoaproudeminenceintheworld，haveusuallysomelittleweaknesswhichappearsthemoreconspicuousfromthecontrastitpresentstotheirgeneralcharacter。IfMr。Potthadaweakness，itwas，perhaps，thathewasrathertoosubmissivetothesomewhatcontemptuouscontrolandswayofhiswife。Wedonotfeeljustifiedinlayinganyparticularstressuponthefact，becauseonthepresentoccasionallMrs。Pott’smostwinningwayswerebroughtintorequisitiontoreceivethetwogentlemen。

Mydear，saidMr。Pott，Mr。Pickwick——Mr。PickwickofLondon。

Mrs。PottreceivedMr。Pickwick’spaternalgraspofthehandwithenchantingsweetness：andMr。Winkle，whohadnotbeenannouncedatall，sidledandbowed，unnoticed，inanobscurecorner。

P。mydear——saidMrs。Pott。

Mylife，saidMr。Pott。

Prayintroducetheothergentleman。

Ibegathousandpardons，saidMr。Pott。Permitme，Mrs。Pott，Mr——

Winkle，saidMr。Pickwick。

Winkle，echoedMr。Pott。andtheceremonyofintroductionwascomplete。

Weoweyoumanyapologies，ma’am，saidMr。Pickwick，fordisturbingyourdomesticarrangementsatsoshortanotice。

Ibegyouwon’tmentionit，sir，repliedthefemininePott，withvivacity。

Itisahightreattome，Iassureyou，toseeanynewfaces。livingasIdo，fromdaytoday，andweektoweek，inthisdullplace，andseeingnobody。

Nobody，mydear！exclaimedMr。Pott，archly。

Nobodybutyou，retortedMrs。Pott，withasperity。

Yousee，Mr。Pickwick，saidthehostinexplanationofhiswife’slament，thatweareinsomemeasurecutofffrommanyenjoymentsandpleasuresofwhichwemightotherwisepartake。Mypublicstation，aseditoroftheEatanswillGazette，thepositionwhichthatpaperholdsinthecountry，myconstantimmersioninthevortexofpolitics——

P。mydear——interposedMrs。Pott。

Mylife——saidtheeditor。

Iwish，mydear，youwouldendeavourtofindsometopicofconversationinwhichthesegentlemenmighttakesomerationalinterest。

Butmylove，saidMr。Pott，withgreathumility，Mr。Pickwickdoestakeaninterestinit。

It’swellforhimifhecan，saidMrs。Pott，emphatically。

Iamweariedoutofmylifewithyourpolitics，andquarrelswiththeIndependent，andnonsense。IamquiteastonishedP。atyourmakingsuchanexhibitionofyourabsurdity。

Butmydear——saidMr。Pott。

Oh，nonsense，don’ttalktome，saidMrs。Pott。Doyouplayecarte，sir？

Ishallbeveryhappytolearnunderyourtuition，repliedMr。Winkle。

Well，then，drawthatlittletableintothiswindow，andletmegetoutofhearingofthoseprosypolitics。

Jane，saidMr。Pott，totheservantwhobroughtincandles，godownintotheoffice，andbringmeupthefileoftheGazetteforEighteenHundredandTwentyEight。I’llreadyou——addedtheeditor，turningtoMr。Pickwick，I’lljustreadyouafewoftheleadersIwroteatthattimeupontheBuffjobofappointinganewtollmantotheturnpikehere。Iratherthinkthey’llamuseyou。Ishouldliketohearthemverymuch，indeed，saidMr。Pickwick。Upcamethefile，anddownsattheeditor，withMr。Pickwickathisside。

WehaveinvainporedovertheleavesofMr。Pickwick’snote-book，inthehopeofmeetingwithageneralsummaryofthesebeautifulcompositions。

Wehaveeveryreasontobelievethathewasperfectlyenrapturedwiththevigourandfreshnessofthestyle。indeedMr。Winklehasrecordedthefactthathiseyeswereclosed，asifwithexcessofpleasure，duringthewholetimeoftheirperusal。

Theannouncementofsupperputastoptothegameatecarte，andtherecapitulationofthebeautiesoftheEatanswillGazette。Mrs。

Pottwasinthehighestspiritsandthemostagreeablehumour。Mr。Winklehadalreadymadeconsiderableprogressinhergoodopinion，andshedidnothesitatetoinformhim，confidentially，thatMr。Pickwickwasadelightfulolddear。Thesetermsconveyafamiliarityofexpression，inwhichfewofthosewhowereintimatelyacquaintedwiththatcolossal-mindedman，wouldhavepresumedtoindulge。Wehavepreservedthem，nevertheless，asaffordingatonceatouchingandaconvincingproofoftheestimationinwhichhewasheldbyeveryclassofsociety，andtheeasewithwhichhemadehiswaytotheirheartsandfeelings。

Itwasalatehourofthenight——longafterMr。TupmanandMr。SnodgrasshadfallenasleepintheinmostrecessesofthePeacock——whenthetwofriendsretiredtorest。SlumbersoonfelluponthesensesofMr。Winkle，buthisfeelingshadbeenexcited，andhisadmirationroused。andformanyhoursaftersleephadrenderedhiminsensibletoearthlyobjects，thefaceandfigureoftheagreeableMrs。Pottpresentedthemselvesagainandagaintohiswanderingimagination。

Thenoiseandbustlewhichusheredinthemorning，weresufficienttodispelfromthemindofthemostromanticvisionaryinexistence，anyassociationsbutthosewhichwereimmediatelyconnectedwiththerapidly-approachingelection。Thebeatingofdrums，theblowingofhornsandtrumpets，theshoutingofmen，andtrampingofhorses，echoedandre-echoedthroughthestreetsfromtheearliestdawnofday。andanoccasionalfightbetweenthelightskirmishersofeitherpartyatonceenlivenedthepreparationsandagreeablydiversifiedtheircharacter。

Well，Sam，saidMr。Pickwick，ashisvaletappearedathisbed-roomdoor，justashewasconcludinghistoilet。allaliveto-day，Isuppose？

Reg’largame，sir，repliedMr。Weller。ourpeople’sacol-lectingdownattheTownArms，andthey’reaholleringthemselveshoarsealready。

Ah，saidMr。Pickwick，dotheyseemdevotedtotheirparty，Sam？

Neverseesuchdewotioninmylife，sir。

Energetic，eh？saidMr。Pickwick。

Uncommon，repliedSam。Ineverseemeneatanddrinksomuchafore。

Iwondertheya’ntafeer’do’bustin’。

That’sthemistakenkindnessofthegentryhere，saidMr。Pickwick。

Werylikely，repliedSam，briefly。

Fine，fresh，heartyfellowstheyseem，saidMr。Pickwick，glancingfromthewindow。

Weryfresh，repliedSam。me，andthetwowaitersatthePeacock，hasbeenapumpin’overtheindependentwotersassuppedtherelastnight。

Pumpingoverindependentvoters！exclaimedMr。Pickwick。

Yes，saidhisattendant，everymansleptverehefelldown。wedragged’emout，onebyone，thismornin’，andput’emunderthepump，andthey’reinreg’larfineorder，now。Shillin’aheadthecommitteepaidforthat’erejob。

Cansuchthingsbe！exclaimedtheastonishedMr。Pickwick。

Lordblessyourheart，sir，saidSam，whywherewasyouhalfbaptised？——that’snothin’，thata’nt。

Nothing？saidMr。Pickwick。

Nothin’atall，sir，repliedhisattendant。Thenightaforethelastdayo’thelastelectionhere，theoppositepartybribedthebar-maidattheTownArms，tohocusthebrandyandwateroffourteenunpolledelectorsaswasastoppin’inthehouse。

Whatdoyoumeanby`hocussing’brandyandwater？inquiredMr。Pickwick。

Puttin’laud’numinit，repliedSam。Blessedifshedid’ntsend’emalltosleeptilltwelvehoursartertheelectionwasover。Theytookonemanuptothebooth，inatruck，fastasleep，bywayofexperiment，butitwasnogo——theywouldn’tpollhim。sotheybroughthimback，andputhimtobedagain。

Strangepractices，these，saidMr。Pickwick。halfspeakingtohimselfandhalfaddressingSam。

Nothalfsostrangeasamiraculouscircumstanceashappenedtomyownfather，atanelectiontime，inthiswerryplace，sir，repliedSam。

Whatwasthat？inquiredMr。Pickwick。

Whyhedroveacoachdownhereonce，saidSam。’lectiontimecameon，andhewasengagedbyvunpartytobringdownwotersfromLondon。Nightaforehewasagoingtodriveup，committeeont’othersidesendsforhimquietly，andawayhegoesviththemessenger，whoshowshimin——largeroom——lotsofgen’l’m’n——heapsofpapers，pensandink，andallthat’ere。

`Ah，Mr。Weller，’saysthegen’l’m’ninthechair，`gladtoseeyou，sir。

howareyou？’——`Werrywell，thank’ee，sir，’saysmyfather。`Ihopeyou’reprettymiddlin’，’sayshe——’Prettywell，thank’ee，sir，’saysthegen’l’m’n。

`sitdown，Mr。Weller——praysitdown，sir。’Somyfathersitsdown，andheandthegen’l’m’nlookswerryhardateachother。`Youdon’trememberme？’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Can’tsayIdo，’saysmyfather——`Oh，Iknowyou，’saysthegen’l’m’n。`know’dyouwhenyouwasaboy，’sayshe——`Well，Idon’trememberyou，’saysmyfather——`That’sveryodd，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Werry，’

saysmyfather——`Youmusthaveabadmem’ry，Mr。Weller，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Well，itisawerybad’un，’saysmyfather——`Ithoughtso，’saysthegen’l’m’n。

Sothentheypourshimoutaglassofwine，andgammonshimabouthisdriving，andgetshimintoareg’largoodhumour，andatlastshovesatwenty-poundnoteinhishand。`It’sawerrybadroadbetweenthisandLondon，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Hereandthereitisaheavyroad，’saysmyfather——`’Speciallynearthecanal，Ithink，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Nastybitthat’ere，’saysmyfather——`Well，Mr。Weller，’saysthegen’l’m’n，`you’reawerygoodwhip，andcandowhatyoulikewithyourhorses，weknow。We’reallweryfondo’you，Mr。Weller，soincaseyoushouldhaveanaccidentwhenyou’reabringingtheseherewotersdown，andshouldtip’emoverintothecanalvithouthurtin’of’em，thisisforyourself，’sayshe——`Gen’l’m’n，you’rewerykind，’saysmyfather，`andI’lldrinkyourhealthinanotherglassofwine，’sayshe。whichhedid，andthenbuttonsupthemoney，andbowshimselfout。Youwouldn’tbelieve，sir，continuedSam，withalookofinexpressibleimpudenceathismaster，thatonthewerydayashecamedownwiththemwoters，hiscoachwasupsetonthat’ereweryspot，andev’rymanon’emwasturnedintothecanal。

Andgotoutagain？inquiredMr。Pickwick，hastily。

Why，repliedSam，veryslowly，Iratherthinkoneoldgen’l’m’nwasmissin’。Iknowhishatwasfound，butIa’n’tquitecertainwhetherhisheadwasinitornot。ButwhatIlookat，isthehex-traordinary，andwonderfulcoincidence，thatarterwhatthatgen’l’m’nsaid，myfather’scoachshouldbeupsetinthatweryplace，andonthatweryday！

Itis，nodoubt，averyextraordinarycircumstanceindeed，saidMr。

Pickwick。Butbrushmyhat，Sam，forIhearMr。Winklecallingmetobreakfast。

WiththesewordsMr。Pickwickdescendedtotheparlour，wherehefoundbreakfastlaid，andthefamilyalreadyassembled。Themealwashastilydespatched。eachofthegentleman’shatswasdecoratedwithanenormousbluefavour，madeupbythefairhandsofMrs。Pottherself。andasMr。

Winklehadundertakentoescortthatladytoahouse-top，intheimmediatevicinityofthehustings，Mr。PickwickandMr。PottrepairedalonetotheTownArms，fromthebackwindowofwhich，oneofMr。Slumkey’scommitteewasaddressingsixsmallboys，andonegirl，whomhedignified，ateverysecondsentence，withtheimposingtitleofmenofEatanswill，whereatthesixsmallboysaforesaidcheeredprodigiously。

Thestable-yardexhibitedunequivocalsymptomsofthegloryandstrengthoftheEatanswillBlues。Therewasaregulararmyofblueflags，somewithonehandle，andsomewithtwo，exhibitingappropriatedevices，ingoldencharactersfourfeethigh，andstoutinproportion。Therewasagrandbandoftrumpets，bassoonsanddrums，marshalledfourabreast，andearningtheirmoney，ifevermendid，especiallythedrumbeaters，whowereverymuscular。

Therewerebodiesofconstableswithbluestaves，twentycommittee-menwithbluescarfs，andamobofvoterswithbluecockades。Therewereelectorsonhorseback，andelectorsa-foot。Therewasanopencarriageandfour，forthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。andtherewerefourcarriagesandpair，forhisfriendsandsupporters。andtheflagswererustling，andthebandwasplaying，andtheconstableswereswearing，andthetwentycommittee-menweresquabbling，andthemobwereshouting，andthehorseswerebacking，andthepost-boysperspiring。andeverybody，andeverything，thenandthereassembled，wasforthespecialuse，behoof，honour，andrenown，ofthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，oneofthecandidatesfortherepresentationoftheBoroughofEatanswill，intheCommonsHouseofParliamentoftheUnitedKingdom。

Loudandlongwerethecheers，andmightywastherustlingofoneoftheblueflags，withLibertyofthePressinscribedthereon，whenthesandyheadofMr。Pottwasdiscernedinoneofthewindows，bythemobbeneath。andtremendouswastheenthusiasmwhenthehonourableSamuelSlumkeyhimself，intop-boots，andablueneckerchief，advancedandseizedthehandofthesaidPott，andmelodramaticallytestifiedbygesturestothecrowd，hisineffaceableobligationstotheEatanswillGazette。

Iseverythingready？saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkeytoMr。Perker。

Everything，mydearsir，wasthelittleman’sreply。

Nothinghasbeenomitted，Ihope？saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。

Nothinghasbeenleftundone，mydearsir——nothingwhatever。Therearetwentywashedmenatthestreetdoorforyoutoshakehandswith。andsixchildreninarmsthatyou’retopatonthehead，andinquiretheageof。beparticularaboutthechildren，mydearsir，——ithasalwaysagreateffect，thatsortofthing。

I’lltakecare，saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。

And，perhaps，mydearsir——saidthecautiouslittleman，perhapsifyoucould——Idon’tmeantosayit’sindispensable——butifyoucouldmanagetokissoneof’em，itwouldproduceaverygreatimpressiononthecrowd。

Wouldn’tithaveasgoodaneffectiftheproposerorseconderdidthat？saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。

Why，Iamafraiditwouldn’t，repliedtheagent。ifitweredonebyyourself，mydearsir，Ithinkitwouldmakeyouverypopular。

Verywell，saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，witharesignedair，thenitmustbedone。That’sall。

Arrangetheprocession，criedthetwentycommittee-men。

Amidstthecheersoftheassembledthrong，theband，andtheconstables，andthecommittee-men，andthevoters，andthehorsemen，andthecarriages，tooktheirplaces——eachofthetwo-horsevehiclesbeingcloselypackedwithasmanygentlemenascouldmanagetostanduprightinit。andthatassignedtoMr。Perker，containingMr。Pickwick，Mr。Tupman，Mr。Snodgrass，andabouthalfadozenofthecommitteebeside。

TherewasamomentofawfulsuspenseastheprocessionwaitedforthehonourableSamuelSlumkeytostepintohiscarriage。Suddenlythecrowdsetupagreatcheering。

Hehascomeout，saidlittleMr。Perker，greatlyexcited。themoresoastheirpositiondidnotenablethemtoseewhatwasgoingforward。

Anothercheer，muchlouder。

Hehasshakenhandswiththemen，criedthelittleagent。

Anothercheer，farmorevehement。

Hehaspattedthebabiesonthehead，saidMr。Perker，tremblingwithanxiety。

Aroarofapplausethatrenttheair。

Hehaskissedoneof’em！exclaimedthedelightedlittleman。

Asecondroar。

Hehaskissedanother，gaspedtheexcitedmanager。

Athirdroar。

He’skissing’emall！screamedtheenthusiasticlittlegentleman。

Andhailedbythedeafeningshoutsofthemultitude，theprocessionmovedon。

Howorbywhatmeansitbecamemixedupwiththeotherprocession，andhowitwaseverextricatedfromtheconfusionconsequentthereupon，ismorethanwecanundertaketodescribe，inasmuchasMr。Pickwick’shatwasknockedoverhiseyes，nose，andmouth，byonepokeofaBuffflag-staff，veryearlyintheproceedings。Hedescribeshimselfasbeingsurroundedoneveryside，whenhecouldcatchaglimpseofthescene，byangryandferociouscountenances，byavastcloudofdust，andbyadensecrowdofcombatants。Herepresentshimselfasbeingforcedfromthecarriagebysomeunseenpower，andbeingpersonallyengagedinapugilisticencounter。

butwithwhom，orhow，orwhy，heiswhollyunabletostate。Hethenfelthimselfforcedupsomewoodenstepsbythepersonsfrombehind。andonremovinghishat，foundhimselfsurroundedbyhisfriends，intheveryfrontoftheleft-handsideofthehustings。TherightwasreservedfortheBuffparty，andthecentrefortheMayorandhisofficers。oneofwhom——thefatcrierofEatanswill——wasringinganenormousbell，bythewayofcommandingsilence，whileMr。HoratioFizkin，andthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，withtheirhandsupontheirhearts，werebowingwiththeutmostaffabilitytothetroubledseaofheadsthatinundatedtheopenspaceinfront。andfromwhencearoseastormofgroans，andshouts，andyells，andhootings，thatwouldhavedonehonourtoanearthquake。

There’sWinkle，saidMr。Tupman，pullinghisfriendbythesleeve。

Where？saidMr。Pickwick，puttingonhisspectacles，whichhehadfortunatelykeptinhispockethitherto。

There，saidMr。Tupman，onthetopofthathouse。

Andthere，sureenough，intheleadengutterofatiledroof，wereMr。

WinkleandMrs。Pott，comfortablyseatedinacoupleofchairs，wavingtheirhandkerchiefsintokenofrecognition——acomplimentwhichMr。Pickwickreturnedbykissinghishandtothelady。

Theproceedingshadnotyetcommenced。andasaninactivecrowdisgenerallydisposedtobejocose，thisveryinnocentactionwassufficienttoawakentheirfacetiousness。

Ohyouwickedoldrascal，criedonevoice，lookingarterthegirls，areyou？

Ohyouwenerablesinner，criedanother。

Puttingonhisspectaclestolookatamarried’ooman！saidathird。

Iseehimawinkin’ather，withhiswickedoldeye，shoutedafourth。

Lookarteryourwife，Pott，bellowedafifth——andthentherewasaroaroflaughter。

AsthesetauntswereaccompaniedwithinvidiouscomparisonsbetweenMr。Pickwickandanagedram，andseveralwitticismsofthelikenature。

andastheymoreoverrathertendedtoconveyreflectionsuponthehonourofaninnocentlady，Mr。Pickwick’sindignationwasexcessive。butassilencewasproclaimedatthemoment，hecontentedhimselfbyscorchingthemobwithalookofpityfortheirmisguidedminds，atwhichtheylaughedmoreboisterouslythanever。

Silence！roaredtheMayor’sattendants。

Whiffin，proclaimsilence，saidtheMayor，withanairofpompbefittinghisloftystation。Inobediencetothiscommandthecrierperformedanotherconcertoonthebell，whereuponagentlemaninthecrowdcalledoutmuffins。

whichoccasionedanotherlaugh。

Gentlemen，saidtheMayor，atasloudapitchashecouldpossiblyforcehisvoiceto，Gentlemen。BrotherelectorsoftheBoroughofEatanswill。

Wearemethereto-dayforthepurposeofchoosingarepresentativeintheroomofourlate——

HeretheMayorwasinterruptedbyavoiceinthecrowd。

Suc-cesstotheMayor！criedthevoice，andmayheneverdesertthenailandsarspanbusiness，ashegothismoneyby。

Thisallusiontotheprofessionalpursuitsoftheoratorwasreceivedwithastormofdelight，which，withabell-accompaniment，renderedtheremainderofhisspeechinaudible，withtheexceptionoftheconcludingsentence，inwhichhethankedthemeetingforthepatientattentionwithwhichtheyhadheardhimthroughout，——anexpressionofgratitudewhichelicitedanotherburstofmirth，ofaboutaquarterofanhour’sduration。

Next，atallthingentleman，inaverystiffwhitenecker-chief，afterbeingrepeatedlydesiredbythecrowdtosendaboyhome，toaskwhetherhehadn’tlefthiswoiceunderthepillow，beggedtonominateafitandproperpersontorepresenttheminParliament。AndwhenhesaiditwasHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，nearEatanswill，theFizkinitesapplauded，andtheSlumkeyitesgroaned，solong，andsoloudly，thatbothheandthesecondermighthavesungcomicsongsinlieuofspeaking，withoutanybody’sbeingabitthewiser。

ThefriendsofHoratioFizkin，Esquire，havinghadtheirinnings，alittlecholeric，pink-facedmanstoodforwardtoproposeanotherfitandproperpersontorepresenttheelectorsofEatanswillinParliament。andveryswimminglythepink-facedgentlemanwouldhavegoneon，ifhehadnotbeenrathertoocholerictoentertainasufficientperceptionofthefunofthecrowd。Butafteraveryfewsentencesoffigurativeeloquence，thepink-facedgentlemangotfromdenouncingthosewhointerruptedhiminthemob，toexchangingdefianceswiththegentlemenonthehustings。

whereuponaroseanuproarwhichreducedhimtothenecessityofexpressinghisfeelingsbyseriouspantomime，whichhedid，andthenleftthestagetohisseconder，whodeliveredawrittenspeechofhalfanhour’slength，andwouldn’tbestopped，becausehehadsentitalltotheEatanswillGazette，andtheEatanswillGazettehadalreadyprintedit，everyword。

ThenHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，nearEatanswill，presentedhimselfforthepurposeofaddressingtheelectors。whichhenosoonerdid，thanthebandemployedbythehonourableSamuelSlumkey，commencedperformingwithapowertowhichtheirstrengthinthemorningwasatrifle。

inreturnforwhich，theBuffcrowdbelabouredtheheadsandshouldersoftheBluecrowd。onwhichtheBluecrowdendeavouredtodispossessthemselvesoftheirveryunpleasantneighbourstheBuffcrowd。andasceneofstruggling，andpushing，andfighting，succeeded，towhichwecannomoredojusticethantheMayorcould，althoughheissuedimperativeorderstotwelveconstablestoseizetheringleaders，whomightamountinnumbertotwohundredandfifty，orthereabouts。Atalltheseencounters，HoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，andhisfriends，waxedfierceandfurious。untilatlastHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，beggedtoaskhisopponentthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，whetherthatbandplayedbyhisconsent。whichquestionthehonourableSamuelSlumkeydecliningtoanswer，HoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，shookhisfistinthecountenanceofthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall。uponwhichthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，hisbloodbeingup，defiedHoratioFizkin，Esquire，tomortalcombat。Atthisviolationofallknownrulesandprecedentsoforder，theMayorcommandedanotherfantasiaonthebell，anddeclaredthathewouldbringbeforehimself，bothHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，andthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，andbindthemovertokeepthepeace。Uponthisterrificdenunciation，thesupportersofthetwocandidatesinterfered，andafterthefriendsofeachpartyhadquarrelledinpairs，forthree-quartersofanhour，HoratioFizkin，Esquire，touchedhishattothehonourableSamuelSlumkey：thehonourableSamuelSlumkeytouchedhistoHoratioFizkin，Esquire：thebandwasstopped：thecrowdwerepartiallyquieted：andHoratioFizkin，Esquire，waspermittedtoproceed。

Thespeechesofthetwocandidates，thoughdifferingineveryotherrespect，affordedabeautifultributetothemeritandhighworthoftheelectorsofEatanswill。Bothexpressedtheiropinionthatamoreindependent，amoreenlightened，amorepublic-spirited，amorenoble-minded，amoredisinterestedsetofmenthanthosewhohadpromisedtovoteforhim，neverexistedonearth。eachdarklyhintedhissuspicionsthattheelectorsintheoppositeinteresthadcertainswinishandbesottedinfirmitieswhichrenderedthemunfitfortheexerciseoftheimportantdutiestheywerecalledupontodischarge。Fizkinexpressedhisreadinesstodoanythinghewaswanted。Slumkey，hisdeterminationtodonothingthatwasaskedofhim。Bothsaidthatthetrade，themanufactures，thecommerce，theprosperityofEatanswill，wouldeverbedearertotheirheartsthananyearthlyobject。

andeachhaditinhispowertostate，withtheutmostconfidence，thathewasthemanwhowouldeventuallybereturned。

Therewasashowofhands。theMayordecidedinfavourofthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall。HoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，demandedapoll，andapollwasfixedaccordingly。ThenavoteofthankswasmovedtotheMayorforhisableconductinthechair。andtheMayordevoutlywishingthathehadhadachairtodisplayhisableconductin(forhehadbeenstandingduringthewholeproceedings)，returnedthanks。

Theprocessionsre-formed，thecarriagesrolledslowlythroughthecrowd，anditsmembersscreechedandshoutedafterthemastheirfeelingsorcapricedictated。

Duringthewholetimeofthepolling，thetownwasinaperpetualfeverofexcitement。Everythingwasconductedonthemostliberalanddelightfulscale。Exciseablearticleswereremarkablycheapatallthepublic-houses。

andspringvansparadedthestreetsfortheaccommodationofvoterswhowereseizedwithanytemporarydizzinessinthehead——anepidemicwhichprevailedamongtheelectors，duringthecontest，toamostalarmingextent，andundertheinfluenceofwhichtheymightfrequentlybeseenlyingonthepavementsinastateofutterinsensibility。Asmallbodyofelectorsremainedunpolledontheverylastday。Theywerecalculatingandreflectingpersons，whohadnotyetbeenconvincedbytheargumentsofeitherparty，althoughtheyhadhadfrequentconferenceswitheach。Onehourbeforethecloseofthepoll，Mr。Perkersolicitedthehonourofaprivateinterviewwiththeseintelligent，thesenoble，thesepatrioticmen。Itwasgranted。

Hisargumentswerebrief，butsatisfactory。Theywentinabodytothepoll。andwhentheyreturned，thehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，wasreturnedalso。

[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter14[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXIVCOMPRISINGABRIEFDESCRIPTIONOFTHECOMPANYAT

THEPEACOCKASSEMBLED。ANDATALETOLDBYABAGMAN

ITispleasanttoturnfromcontemplatingthestrifeandturmoilofpoliticalexistence，tothepeacefulreposeofprivatelife。

Althoughinrealitynogreatpartisanofeitherside。Mr。PickwickwassufficientlyfiredwithMr。Pott’senthusiasm，toapplyhiswholetimeandattentiontotheproceedings，ofwhichthelastchapteraffordsadescriptioncompiledfromhisownmemoranda。NorwhilehewasthusoccupiedwasMr。

Winkleidle，hiswholetimebeingdevotedtopleasantwalksandshortcountryexcursionswithMrs。Pott，whoneverfailed，whensuchanopportunitypresenteditself，toseeksomerelieffromthetediousmonotonyshesoconstantlycomplainedof。ThetwogentlemenbeingthuscompletelydomesticatedintheEditor’shouse，Mr。TupmanandMr。Snodgrasswereinagreatmeasurecastupontheirownresources。Takingbutlittleinterestinpublicaffairs，theybeguiledtheirtimechieflywithsuchamusementsasthePeacockafforded，whichwerelimitedtoabagatelle-boardinthefirstfloor，andasequesteredskittle-groundinthebackyard。Inthescienceandnicetyofboththeserecreations，whicharefarmoreabstrusethanordinarymensuppose，theyweregraduallyinitiatedbyMr。Weller，whopossessedaperfectknowledgeofsuchpastimes。Thus，notwithstandingthattheywereinagreatmeasuredeprivedofthecomfortandadvantageofMr。Pickwick’ssociety，theywerestillenabledtobeguilethetime，andtopreventitshangingheavilyontheirhands。

Itwasintheevening，however，thatthePeacockpresentedattractionswhichenabledthetwofriendstoresisteventheinvitationsofthegifted，thoughprosy，Pott。Itwasintheeveningthatthecommercialroomwasfilledwithasocialcircle，whosecharactersandmannersitwasthedelightofMr。Tupmantoobserve。whosesayingsanddoingsitwasthehabitofMr。Snodgrasstonotedown。

Mostpeopleknowwhatsortofplacescommercialroomsusuallyare。ThatofthePeacockdifferedinnomaterialrespectfromthegeneralityofsuchapartments。thatistosay，itwasalargebare-lookingroom，thefurnitureofwhichhadnodoubtbeenbetterwhenitwasnewer，withaspacioustableinthecentre，andavarietyofsmallerdittosinthecorners：anextensiveassortmentofvariouslyshapedchairs，andanoldTurkeycarpet，bearingaboutthesamerelativeproportiontothesizeoftheroom，asalady’spocket-handkerchiefmighttothefloorofawatch-box。Thewallsweregarnishedwithoneortwolargemaps。andseveralweather-beatenroughgreatcoats，withcomplicatedcapes，dangledfromalongrowofpegsinonecorner。

Themantelshelfwasornamentedwithawoodeninkstand，containingonestumpofapen，andhalfawafer：aroad-bookanddirectory：acountyhistoryminusthecover：andthemortalremainsofatroutinaglasscoffin。Theatmospherewasredolentoftobacco-smoke，thefumesofwhichhadcommunicatedaratherdingyhuetothewholeroom，andmoreespeciallytothedustyredcurtainswhichshadedthewindows。Onthesideboardavarietyofmiscellaneousarticleswerehuddledtogether，themostconspicuousofwhichweresomeverycloudyfish-saucecruets，acoupleofdriving-boxes，twoorthreewhips，andasmanytravellingshawls，atrayofknivesandforks，andthemustard。

HereitwasthatMr。TupmanandMr。Snodgrasswereseatedontheeveningaftertheconclusionoftheelection，withseveralothertemporaryinmatesofthehouse，smokinganddrinking。

Well，gents，saidastout，halepersonageofaboutforty，withonlyoneeye——averybrightblackeye，whichtwinkledwitharoguishexpressionoffunandgoodhumour，ournobleselves，gents。Ialwaysproposethattoasttothecompany，anddrinkMarytomyself。Eh，Mary！

Getalongwithyou，youwretch，saidthehand-maiden，obviouslynotillpleasedwiththecompliment，however。

Don’tgoaway，Mary，saidtheblack-eyedman。

Letmealone，imperence，saidtheyounglady。

Nevermind，saidtheone-eyedman，callingafterthegirlasshelefttheroom。I’llstepoutbyandby，Mary。Keepyourspiritsup，dear。

Herehewentthroughthenotverydifficultprocessofwinkinguponthecompanywithhissolitaryeye，totheenthusiasticdelightofanelderlypersonagewithadirtyfaceandaclaypipe。

Rumcreetersiswomen，saidthedirty-facedman，afterapause。

Ah！nomistakeaboutthat，saidaveryred-facedman，behindacigar。

Afterthislittlebitofphilosophytherewasanotherpause。

There’srummerthingsthanwomeninthisworldthough，mindyou，saidthemanwiththeblackeye，slowlyfillingalargeDutchpipe，withamostcapaciousbowl。

Areyoumarried？inquiredthedirty-facedman。

Can’tsayIam。

Ithoughtnot。Herethedirty-facedmanfellintofitsofmirthathisownretort，inwhichhewasjoinedbyamanofblandvoiceandplacidcountenance，whoalwaysmadeitapointtoagreewitheverybody。

Women，afterall，gentlemen，saidtheenthusiasticMr。Snodgrass，arethegreatpropsandcomfortsofourexistence。

Sotheyare，saidtheplacidgentleman。

Whenthey’reinagoodhumour，interposedthedirty-facedman。

Andthat’sverytrue，saidtheplacidone。

Irepudiatethatqualification，saidMr。Snodgrass，whosethoughtswerefastrevertingtoEmilyWardle，Irepudiateitwithdisdain——withindignation。Showmethemanwhosaysanythingagainstwomen，aswomen，andIboldlydeclareheisnotaman。AndMr。Snodgrasstookhiscigarfromhismouth，andstruckthetableviolentlywithhisclenchedfist。

That’sgoodsoundargument，saidtheplacidman。

ContainingapositionwhichIdeny，interruptedheofthedirtycountenance。

Andthere’scertainlyaverygreatdealoftruthinwhatyouobservetoo，sir，saidtheplacidgentleman。

Yourhealth，sir，saidthebagmanwiththelonelyeye，bestowinganapprovingnodonMr。Snodgrass。

Mr。Snodgrassacknowledgedthecompliment。

Ialwaysliketohearagoodargument，continuedthebagman，asharpone，likethis。it’sveryimproving。butthislittleargumentaboutwomenbroughttomymindastoryIhaveheardanolduncleofminetell，therecollectionofwhich，justnow，mademesaytherewererummerthingsthanwomentobemetwith，sometimes。

Ishouldliketohearthatsamestory，saidthered-facedmanwiththecigar。

Shouldyou？wastheonlyreplyofthebagman，whocontinuedtosmokewithgreatvehemence。

SoshouldI，saidMr。Tupman，speakingforthefirsttime。Hewasalwaysanxioustoincreasehisstockofexperience。

Shouldyou？Wellthen，I’lltellit。NoIwon’t。Iknowyouwon’tbelieveit，saidthemanwiththeroguisheye，makingthatorganlookmoreroguishthanever。

Ifyousayit’strue，ofcourseIshall，saidMr。Tupman。

Well，uponthatunderstandingI’lltellyou，repliedthetraveller。

DidyoueverhearofthegreatcommercialhouseofBilsonandSlum？Butitdoesn’tmatterthough，whetheryoudidornot，becausetheyretiredfrombusinesslongsince。It’seightyyearsago，sincethecircumstancehappenedtoatravellerforthathouse，buthewasaparticularfriendofmyuncle’s。andmyuncletoldthestorytome。It’saqueername。butheusedtocallitTHEBAGMAN’SSTORY，andheusedtotellit，somethinginthisway。

Onewinter’sevening，aboutfiveo’clock，justasitbegantogrowdusk，amaninagigmighthavebeenseenurginghistiredhorsealongtheroadwhichleadsacrossMarlboroughDowns，inthedirectionofBristol。

Isayhemighthavebeenseen，andIhavenodoubthewouldhavebeen，ifanybodybutablindmanhadhappenedtopassthatway。buttheweatherwassobad，andthenightsocoldandwet，thatnothingwasoutbutthewater，andsothetravellerjoggedalonginthemiddleoftheroad，lonesomeanddrearyenough。Ifanybagmanofthatdaycouldhavecaughtsightofthelittleneck-or-nothingsortofgig，withaclay-colouredbodyandredwheels，andthevixenishill-tempered，fast-goingbaymare，thatlookedlikeacrossbetweenabutcher’shorseandatwo-pennypost-officepony，hewouldhaveknownatonce，thatthistravellercouldhavebeennootherthanTomSmart，ofthegreathouseofBilsonandSlum，CateatonStreet，City。However，astherewasnobagmantolookon，nobodyknewanythingatallaboutthematter。andsoTomSmartandhisclay-colouredgigwiththeredwheels，andthevixenishmarewiththefastpace，wentontogether，keepingthesecretamongthem：andnobodywasabitthewiser。

Therearemanypleasanterplaceseveninthisdrearyworld，thanMarlboroughDownswhenitblowshard。andifyouthrowinbeside，agloomywinter’sevening，amiryandsloppyroad，andapeltingfallofheavyrain，andtrytheeffect，bywayofexperiment，inyourownproperperson，youwillexperiencethefullforceofthisobservation。

Thewindblew——notuptheroadordownit，thoughthat’sbadenough，butsheeracrossit，sendingtherainslantingdownlikethelinestheyusedtoruleinthecopy-booksatschool，tomaketheboysslopewell。

Foramomentitwoulddieaway，andthetravellerwouldbegintodeludehimselfintothebeliefthat，exhaustedwithitspreviousfury，ithadquietlylainitselfdowntorest，when，whoo！hewouldhearitgrowlingandwhistlinginthedistance，andonitwouldcomerushingoverthehill-tops，andsweepingalongtheplain，gatheringsoundandstrengthasitdrewnearer，untilitdashedwithaheavygustagainsthorseandman，drivingthesharprainintotheirears，anditscolddampbreathintotheirverybones。andpastthemitwouldscour，far，faraway，withastunningroar，asifinridiculeoftheirweakness，andtiumphantintheconsciousnessofitsownstrengthandpower。

Thebaymaresplashedaway，throughthemudandwaterwithdroopingears。nowandthentossingherheadasiftoexpressherdisgustatthisveryungentlemanlybehaviouroftheelements，butkeepingagoodpacenotwithstanding，untilagustofwind，morefuriousthananythathadyetassailedthem，causedhertostopsuddenlyandplantherfourfeetfirmlyagainsttheground，topreventherbeingblownover。It’saspecialmercythatshedidthis，forifshehadbeenblownover，thevixenishmarewassolight，andthegigwassolight，andTomSmartsuchalightweightintothebargain，thattheymustinfalliblyhaveallgonerollingoverandovertogether，untiltheyreachedtheconfinesofearth，oruntilthewindfell。

andineithercasetheprobabilityis，thatneitherthevixenishmare，northeclay-colouredgigwiththeredwheels，norTomSmart，wouldeverhavebeenfitforserviceagain。

`Well，damnmystrapsandwhiskers，’saysTomSmart(Tomsometimeshadanunpleasantknackofswearing)，`Damnmystrapsandwhiskers，’saysTom，`ifthisain’tpleasant，blowme！’

You’llverylikelyaskmewhy，asTomSmarthadbeenprettywellblownalready，heexpressedthiswishtobesubmittedtothesameprocessagain。

Ican’tsay——allIknowis，thatTomSmartsaidso——oratleasthealwaystoldmyunclehesaidso，andit’sjustthesamething。

`Blowme’，saysTomSmart。andthemareneighedasifshewerepreciselyofthesameopinion。

`Cheerup，oldgirl，’saidTom，pattingthebaymareontheneckwiththeendofhiswhip。`Itwon’tdopushingon，suchanightasthis。thefirsthousewecometowe’llputup，at，sothefasteryougothesoonerit’sover。Soho，oldgirl——gently——gently。’

WhetherthevixenishmarewassufficientlywellacquaintedwiththetonesofTom’svoicetocomprehendhismeaning，orwhethershefounditcolderstandingstillthanmovingon，ofcourseIcan’tsay。ButIcansaythatTomhadnosoonerfinishedspeaking，thansheprickedupherears，andstartedforwardataspeedwhichmadetheclay-colouredgigrattletillyouwouldhavesupposedeveryoneoftheredspokesweregoingtoflyoutontheturfofMarlboroughDowns。andevenTom，whipashewas，couldn’tstoporcheckherpace，untilshedrewup，ofherownaccord，beforearoad-sideinnontheright-handsideoftheway，abouthalfaquarterofamilefromtheendoftheDowns。

Tomcastahastyglanceattheupperpartofthehouseashethrewthereinstothehostler，andstuckthewhipinthebox。Itwasastrangeoldplace，builtofakindofshingle，inlaid，asitwere，withcross-beams，withgabled-toppedwindowsprojectingcompletelyoverthepathway，andalowdoorwithadarkporch，andacoupleofsteepstepsleadingdownintothehouse，insteadofthemodernfashionofhalfadozenshallowonesleadinguptoit。Itwasacomfortable-lookingplacethough，fortherewasastrongcheerfullightinthebar-window，whichshedabrightrayacrosstheroad，andevenlightedupthehedgeontheotherside。andtherewasaredflickeringlightintheoppositewindow，onemomentbutfaintlydiscernible，andthenextgleamingstronglythroughthedrawncurtains，whichintimatedthatarousingfirewasblazingwithin。Markingtheselittleevidenceswiththeeyeofanexperiencedtraveller，Tomdismountedwithasmuchagilityashishalf-frozenlimbswouldpermit，andenteredthehouse。

Inlessthanfiveminutes’time，Tomwasensconcedintheroomoppositethebar——theveryroomwherehehadimaginedthefireblazing——beforeasubstantialmatter-of-factroaringfire，composedofsomethingshortofabushelofcoals，andwoodenoughtomakehalfadozendecentgooseberrybushes，piledhalfwayupthechimney，androaringandcracklingwithasoundthatofitselfwouldhavewarmedtheheartofanyreasonableman。

Thiswascomfortable，butthiswasnotall，forasmartly-dressedgirl，withabrighteyeandaneatankle，waslayingaverycleanwhiteclothonthetable。andasTomsatwithhisslipperedfeetonthefender，andhisbacktotheopendoor，hesawacharmingprospectofthebarreflectedintheglassoverthechimney-piece，withdelightfulrowsofgreenbottlesandgoldlabels，togetherwithjarsofpicklesandpreserves，andcheesesandboiledhams，androundsofbeef，arrangedonshelvesinthemosttemptinganddeliciousarray。Well，thiswascomfortabletoo。buteventhiswasnotall——forinthebar，seatedatteaatthenicestpossiblelittletable，drawncloseupbeforethebrightestpossiblelittlefire，wasabuxomwidowofsomewhereabouteightandfortyorthereabouts，withafaceascomfortableasthebar，whowasevidentlythelandladyofthehouse，andthesupremeruleroveralltheseagreeablepossessions。Therewasonlyonedrawbacktothebeautyofthewholepicture，andthatwasatallman——averytallman——inabrowncoatandbrightbasketbuttons，andblackwhiskers，andwavyblackhair，whowasseatedatteawiththewidow，andwhoitrequirednogreatpenetrationtodiscoverwasinafairwayofpersuadinghertobeawidownolonger，buttoconferuponhimtheprivilegeofsittingdowninthatbar，forandduringthewholeremainderofthetermofhisnaturallife。

TomSmartwasbynomeansofanirritableorenviousdisposition，butsomehoworotherthetallmanwiththebrowncoatandthebrightbasketbuttonsdidrousewhatlittlegallhehadinhiscomposition，anddidmakehimfeelextremelyindignant：themoreespeciallyashecouldnowandthenobserve，fromhisseatbeforetheglass，certainlittleaffectionatefamiliaritiespassingbetweenthetallmanandthewidow，whichsufficientlydenotedthatthetallmanwasashighinfavourashewasinsize。Tomwasfondofhotpunch——Imayventuretosayhewasveryfondofhotpunch——andafterhehadseenthevixenishmarewellfedandwelllittereddown，andhadeateneverybitofthenicelittlehotdinnerwhichthewidowtossedupforhimwithherownhands，hejustorderedatumblerofit，bywayofexperiment。Now，iftherewasonethinginthewholerangeofdomesticart，whichthewidowcouldmanufacturebetterthananother，itwasthisidenticalarticle。andthefirsttumblerwasadaptedtoTomSmart’stastewithsuchpeculiarnicety，thatheorderedasecondwiththeleastpossibledelay。Hotpunchisapleasantthing，gentlemen——anextremelypleasantthingunderanycircumstances——butinthatsnugoldparlour，beforetheroaringfire，withthewindblowingoutsidetilleverytimberintheoldhousecreakedagain，TomSmartfounditperfectlydelightful。Heorderedanothertumbler，andthenanother——Iamnotquitecertainwhetherhedidn’torderanotherafterthat——butthemorehedrankofthehotpunch，themorehethoughtofthetallman。

`Confoundhisimpudence！’saidTomtohimself，`whatbusinesshasheinthatsnugbar？Suchanuglyvillaintoo！’saidTom。`Ifthewidowhadanytaste，shemightsurelypickupsomebetterfellowthanthat。’HereTom’seyewanderedfromtheglassonthechimney-piece，totheglassonthetable。andashefelthimselfbecomegraduallysentimental，heemptiedthefourthtumblerofpunchandorderedafifth。

TomSmart，gentlemen，hadalwaysbeenverymuchattachedtothepublicline。Ithadlongbeenhisambitiontostandinabarofhisown，inagreencoat，knee-cords，andtops。Hehadagreatnotionoftakingthechairatconvivialdinners，andhehadoftenthoughthowwellhecouldpresideinaroomofhisowninthetalkingway，andwhatacapitalexamplehecouldsettohiscustomersinthedrinkingdepartment。AllthesethingspassedrapidlythroughTom’smindashesatdrinkingthehotpunchbytheroaringfire，andhefeltveryjustlyandproperlyindignantthatthetallmanshouldbeinafairwayofkeepingsuchanexcellenthouse，whilehe，TomSmart，wasasfarfromitasever。So，afterdeliberatingoverthelasttwotumblers，whetherhehadn’taperfectrighttopickaquarrelwiththetallmanforhavingcontrivedtogetintothegoodgracesofthebuxomwidow，TomSmartatlastarrivedatthesatisfactoryconclusionthathewasaveryill-usedandpersecutedindividual，andhadbettergotobed。

UpawideandancientstaircasethesmartgirlprecededTom，shadingthechambercandlewithherhand，toprotectitfromthecurrentsofairwhichinsucharamblingoldplacemighthavefoundplentyofroomtodisportthemselvesin，withoutblowingthecandleout，butwhichdidblowitoutnevertheless。thusaffordingTom’senemiesanopportunityofassertingthatitwashe，andnotthewind，whoextinguishedthecandle，andthatwhilehepretendedtobeblowingitalightagain，hewasinfactkissingthegirl。Bethisasitmay，anotherlightwasobtained，andTomwasconductedthroughamazeofrooms，andalabyrinthofpassages，totheapartmentwhichhadbeenpreparedforhisreception，wherethegirlbadehimgoodnight，andlefthimalone。

Itwasagoodlargeroomwithbigclosets，andabedwhichmighthaveservedforawholeboarding-school，tosaynothingofacoupleofoakenpressesthatwouldhaveheldthebaggageofasmallarmy。butwhatstruckTom’sfancymostwasastrange，grim-lookinghigh-backedchair，carvedinthemostfantasticmanner，withaflowereddamaskcushion，andtheroundknobsatthebottomofthelegscarefullytiedupinredcloth，asifithadgotthegoutinitstoes。Ofanyotherqueerchair，Tomwouldonlyhavethoughtitwasaqueerchair，andtherewouldhavebeenanendofthematter。buttherewassomethingaboutthisparticularchair，andyethecouldn’ttellwhatitwas，sooddandsounlikeanyotherpieceoffurniturehehadeverseen，thatitseemedtofascinatehim。Hesatdownbeforethefire，andstaredattheoldchairforhalfanhour——Deucetakethechair，itwassuchastrangeoldthing，hecouldn’ttakehiseyesoffit。

`Well，’saidTom，slowlyundressinghimself，andstaringattheoldchairallthewhile，whichstoodwithamysteriousaspectbythebed-side，`Ineversawsucharumconcernasthatinmydays。Veryodd，’saidTom，whohadgotrathersagewiththehotpunch，`Veryodd。’Tomshookhisheadwithanairofprofoundwisdom，andlookedatthechairagain。Hecouldn’tmakeanythingofitthough，sohegotintobed，coveredhimselfupwarm，andfellasleep。

Inabouthalfanhour，Tomwokeup，withastart，fromaconfuseddreamoftallmenandtumblersofpunch：andthefirstobjectthatpresenteditselftohiswakingimaginationwasthequeerchair。

`Iwon’tlookatitanymore，’saidTomtohimself，andhesqueezedhiseyelidstogether，andtriedtopersuadehimselfhewasgoingtosleepagain。Nouse。nothingbutqueerchairsdancedbeforehiseyes，kickinguptheirlegs，jumpingovereachother’sbacks，andplayingallkindsofantics。

`Imayaswellseeonerealchair，astwoorthreecompletesetsoffalseones，’saidTom，bringingouthisheadfromunderthebed-clothes。

Thereitwas，plainlydiscerniblebythelightofthefire，lookingasprovokingasever。

Tomgazedatthechair。and，suddenlyashelookedatit，amostextraordinarychangeseemedtocomeoverit。Thecarvingofthebackgraduallyassumedthelineamentsandexpressionofanoldshrivelledhumanface。thedamaskcushionbecameanantique，flappedwaistcoat。theroundknobsgrewintoacoupleoffeet，encasedinredclothslippers。andtheoldchairlookedlikeaveryuglyoldman，ofthepreviouscentury，withhisarmsa-kimbo。

Tomsatupinbed，andrubbedhiseyestodispeltheillusion。No。Thechairwasanuglyoldgentleman。andwhatwasmore，hewaswinkingatTomSmart。

Tomwasnaturallyaheadlong，carelesssortofdog，andhehadhadfivetumblersofhotpunchintothebargain。so，althoughhewasalittlestartledatfirst，hebegantogrowratherindignantwhenhesawtheoldgentlemanwinkingandleeringathimwithsuchanimpudentair。Atlengthheresolvedthathewouldn’tstandit。andastheoldfacestillkeptwinkingawayasfastasever，Tomsaid，inaveryangrytone：

`Whatthedevilareyouwinkingatmefor？’

`BecauseIlikeit，TomSmart，’saidthechair。ortheoldgentleman，whicheveryouliketocallhim。Hestoppedwinkingthough，whenTomspoke，andbegangrinninglikeasuperannuatedmonkey。

`Howdoyouknowmyname，oldnut-crackerface！’inquiredTomSmart，ratherstaggered——thoughhepretendedtocarryitoffsowell。

`Come，come，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman，`that’snotthewaytoaddresssolidSpanishMahogany。Dam’me，youcouldn’ttreatmewithlessrespectifIwasveneered。’Whentheoldgentlemansaidthis，helookedsofiercethatTombegantobefrightened。

`Ididn’tmeantotreatyouwithanydisrespect，sir，’saidTom。inamuchhumblertonethanhehadspokeninatfirst。

`Well，well，’saidtheoldfellow，`perhapsnot——perhapsnot。Tom——’

`Sir——’

`Iknoweverythingaboutyou，Tom。everything。You’reverypoor，Tom。’

`Icertainlyam，’saidTomSmart。`Buthowcameyoutoknowthat？’

`Nevermindthat，’saidtheoldgentleman。`you’remuchtoofondofpunch，Tom。’

TomSmartwasjustonthepointofprotestingthathehadn’ttastedadropsincehislastbirth-day，butwhenhiseyeencounteredthatoftheoldgentleman，helookedsoknowingthatTomblushed，andwassilent。

`Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman，`thewidow’safinewoman——remarkablyfinewoman——eh，Tom？’Heretheoldfellowscreweduphiseyes，cockeduponeofhiswastedlittlelegs，andlookedaltogethersounpleasantlyamorous，thatTomwasquitedisgustedwiththelevityofhisbehaviour——athistimeoflife，too！

`Iamherguardian，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。

`Areyou？’inquiredTomSmart。

`Iknewhermother，Tom，’saidtheoldfellow。`andhergrandmother。

Shewasveryfondofme——mademethiswaistcoat，Tom。’

`Didshe？’saidTomSmart。

`Andtheseshoes，’saidtheoldfellow，liftinguponeofthered-clothmufflers。`butdon’tmentionit，Tom。Ishouldn’tliketohaveitknownthatshewassomuchattachedtome。Itmightoccasionsomeunpleasantnessinthefamily。’Whentheoldrascalsaidthis，helookedsoextremelyimpertinent，that，asTomSmartafterwardsdeclared，hecouldhavesatuponhimwithoutremorse。

`Ihavebeenagreatfavouriteamongthewomeninmytime，Tom，’saidtheprofligateolddebauchee。`hundredsoffinewomenhavesatinmylapforhourstogether。Whatdoyouthinkofthat，youdog，eh！’Theoldgentlemanwasproceedingtorecountsomeotherexploitsofhisyouth，whenhewasseizedwithsuchaviolentfitofcreakingthathewasunabletoproceed。

`Justservesyouright，oldboy，’thoughtTomSmart。buthedidn’tsayanything。

`Ah！’saidtheoldfellow，`Iamagooddealtroubledwiththisnow。

Iamgettingold，Tom，andhavelostnearlyallmyrails。Ihavehadanoperationperformed，too——asmallpieceletintomyback——andIfounditaseveretrial，Tom。’

`Idaresayyoudid，sir，’saidTomSmart。

`However，’saidtheoldgentleman，`that’snotthepoint。Tom！Iwantyoutomarrythewidow。’

`Me，sir！’saidTom。

`You。’saidtheoldgentleman。

`Blessyourreverendlocks，’saidTom——(hehadafewscatteredhorse-hairsleft)，`blessyourreverendlocks，shewouldn’thaveme。’AndTomsighedinvoluntarily，ashethoughtofthebar。

`Wouldn’tshe？’saidtheoldgentleman，firmly。

`No，no，’saidTom。`there’ssomebodyelseinthewind。Atallman——aconfoundedlytallman——withblackwhiskers。’

`Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。`shewillneverhavehim。’

`Won’tshe？’saidTom。`Ifyoustoodinthebar，oldgentleman，you’dtellanotherstory。’

`Pooh，pooh，’saidtheoldgentleman。`Iknowallaboutthat。’

`Aboutwhat？’saidTom。

`Thekissingbehindthedoor，andallthatsortofthing，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。Andherehegaveanotherimpudentlook，whichmadeTomverywroth，becauseasyouallknow，gentlemen，tohearanoldfellow，whooughttoknowbetter，talkingaboutthesethings，isveryunpleasant——nothingmoreso。

`Iknowallaboutthat，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。`Ihaveseenitdoneveryofteninmytime，Tom，betweenmorepeoplethanIshouldliketomentiontoyou。butitnevercametoanythingafterall。’

`Youmusthaveseensomequeerthings，’saidTom，withaninquisitivelook。

`Youmaysaythat，now，’repliedtheoldfellow，withaverycomplicatedwink。`Iamthelastofmyfamily，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman，withamelancholysigh。

`Wasitalargeone？’inquiredTomSmart。

`Thereweretwelveofus，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。`finestraight-backed，handsomefellowsasyou’dwishtosee。Noneofyourmodernabortions——allwitharms，andwithadegreeofpolish，thoughIsayitthatshouldnot，whichwouldhavedoneyourheartgoodtobehold。’

`Andwhat’sbecomeoftheothers，sir？’askedTomSmart。

Theoldgentlemanappliedhiselbowtohiseyeashereplied，`Gone，Tom，gone。Wehadhardservice，Tom，andtheyhadn’tallmyconstitution。

Theygotrheumaticaboutthelegsandarms，andwentintokitchensandotherhospitals。andoneof’em，withlongserviceandhardusage，positivelylosthissenses：——hegotsocrazythathewasobligedtobeburnt。Shockingthingthat，Tom。’

`Dreadful！’saidTomSmart。

Theoldfellowpausedforafewminutes，apparentlystrugglingwithhisfeelingsofemotion，andthensaid：

`However，Tom，Iamwanderingfromthepoint。Thistallman，Tom，isarascallyadventurer。Themomenthemarriedthewidow，hewouldselloffallthefurniture，andrunaway。Whatwouldbetheconsequence？Shewouldbedesertedandreducedtoruin，andIshouldcatchmydeathofcoldinsomebroker’sshop。’

`Yes，but——’

`Don’tinterruptme，’saidtheoldgentleman。`Ofyou，Tom，Ientertainaverydifferentopinion。forIwellknowthatifyouoncesettledyourselfinapublic-house，youwouldneverleaveit，aslongastherewasanythingtodrinkwithinitswalls。’

`Iamverymuchobligedtoyouforyourgoodopinion，sir，’saidTomSmart。

`Therefore，’resumedtheoldgentleman，inadictatorialtone。`youshallhaveher，andheshallnot。’

Whatistopreventit？’saidTomSmart，eagerly。

`Thisdisclosure，’repliedtheoldgentleman。`heisalreadymarried。’

`HowcanIproveit？’saidTom，startinghalfoutofbed。

Theoldgentlemanuntuckedhisarmfromhisside，andhavingpointedtooneoftheoakenpresses，immediatelyreplaceditinitsoldposition。

`Helittlethinks，’saidtheoldgentleman，`thatintheright-handpocketofapairoftrousersinthatpress，hehasleftaletter，entreatinghimtoreturntohisdisconsolatewife，withsix——markme，Tom——sixbabes，andallofthemsmallones。’

Astheoldgentlemansolemnlyutteredthesewords，hisfeaturesgrewlessandlessdistinct，andhisfiguremoreshadowy。AfilmcameoverTomSmart’seyes。Theoldmanseemedgraduallyblendingintothechair，thedamaskwaistcoattoresolveintoacushion，theredslipperstoshrinkintolittleredclothbags。Thelightfadedgentlyaway，andTomSmartfellbackonhispillow，anddroppedasleep。

MorningarousedTomfromthelethargicslumber，intowhichhehadfallenonthedisappearanceoftheoldman。Hesatupinbed，andforsomeminutesvainlyendeavouredtorecalltheeventsoftheprecedingnight。Suddenlytheyrusheduponhim。Helookedatthechair。itwasafantasticandgrim-lookingpieceoffurniture，certainly，butitmusthavebeenaremarkablyingeniousandlivelyimagination，thatcouldhavediscoveredanyresemblancebetweenitandanoldman。

`Howareyou，oldboy？’saidTom。Hewasbolderinthedaylight——mostmenare。

Thechairremainedmotionless，andspokenotaword。

`Miserablemorning，’saidTom。No。Thechairwouldnotbedrawnintoconversation。

`Whichpressdidyoupointto？——youcantellmethat，’saidTom。Devilaword，gentlemen，thechairwouldsay。

`It’snotmuchtroubletoopenit，anyhow，’saidTom，gettingoutofbedverydeliberately。Hewalkeduptooneofthepresses。Thekeywasinthelock。heturnedit，andopenedthedoor。Therewasapairoftrousersthere。Heputhishandintothepocket，anddrewforththeidenticallettertheoldgentlemanhaddescribed！

`Queersortofthing，this，’saidTomSmart。lookingfirstatthechairandthenatthepress，andthenattheletter，andthenatthechairagain。

`Veryqueer，’saidTom。But，astherewasnothingineither，tolessenthequeerness，hethoughthemightaswelldresshimself，andsettlethetallman’sbusinessatonce——justtoputhimoutofhismisery。

Tomsurveyedtheroomshepassedthrough，onhiswaydown-stairs，withthescrutinisingeyeofalandlord。thinkingitnotimpossible，thatbeforelong，theyandtheircontentswouldbehisproperty。Thetallmanwasstandinginthesnuglittlebar，withhishandsbehindhim，quiteathome。HegrinnedvacantlyatTom。Acasualobservermighthavesupposedhedidit，onlytoshowhiswhiteteeth。butTomSmartthoughtthataconsciousnessoftriumphwaspassingthroughtheplacewherethetallman’smindwouldhavebeen，ifhehadhadany。Tomlaughedinhisface。andsummonedthelandlady。

`Goodmorning，ma’am，’saidTomSmart，closingthedoorofthelittleparlourasthewidowentered。

`Goodmorning，sir，’saidthewidow。`Whatwillyoutakeforbreakfast，sir？’

Tomwasthinkinghowheshouldopenthecase，sohemadenoanswer。

`There’saveryniceham，’saidthewidow，`andabeautifulcoldlardedfowl。ShallIsend’emin，sir？’

ThesewordsrousedTomfromhisreflections。Hisadmirationofthewidowincreasedasshespoke。Thoughtfulcreature！Comfortableprovider！

`Whoisthatgentlemaninthebar，ma’am？’inquiredTom。

`HisnameisJinkins，sir，’saidthewidow，slightlyblushing。

`He’satallman，’saidTom。

`Heisaveryfineman，sir，’repliedthewidow，`andaverynicegentleman。’

`Ah！’saidTom。

`Isthereanythingmoreyouwant，sir？’inquiredthewidow，ratherpuzzledbyTom’smanner。

`Why，yes，’saidTom。`Mydearma’am，willyouhavethekindnesstositdownforonemoment？’

Thewidowlookedmuchamazed，butshesatdown，andTomsatdowntoo，closebesideher。Idon’tknowhowithappened，gentlemen——indeedmyuncleusedtotellmethatTomSmartsaidhedidn’tknowhowithappenedeither——butsomehoworotherthepalmofTom’shandfelluponthebackofthewidow’shand，andremainedtherewhilehespoke。

`Mydearma’am，’saidTomSmart——hehadalwaysagreatnotionofcommittingtheamiable——`Mydearma’am，youdeserveaveryexcellenthusband——youdoindeed。’

`Lor’，sir！’saidthewidow——aswellshemight：Tom’smodeofcommencingtheconversationbeingratherunusual，nottosaystartling。thefactofhisneverhavingseteyesuponherbeforethepreviousnight，beingtakenintoconsideration。`Lor’，sir！’

`Iscorntoflatter，mydearma’am，’saidTomSmart。`Youdeserveaveryadmirablehusband，andwhoeverheis，he’llbeaveryluckyman。’