第18章

Bequiet，can’tyou，murmuredSam。

Sam，whisperedMr。Weller，amomentafterwards，inatoneofdeepagitation，markmyvords，myboy。Ifthat’eresecretaryfellowkeepsonforonlyfiveminutesmore，he’llblowhisselfupwithtoastandwater。

Well，lethim，ifhelikes，repliedSam。itain’tnobis’nesso’

yourn。

Ifthisherelastsmuchlonger，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，inthesamelowvoice，Ishallfeelitmyduty，asahumanbein’，toriseandaddressthecheer。There’sayoung’oomanonthenextformbuttwo，ashasdrunkninebreakfastcupsandahalf。andshe’saswellin’wisiblybeforemyweryeyes。

ThereislittledoubtthatMr。Wellerwouldhavecarriedhisbenevolentintentionintoimmediateexecution，ifagreatnoise，occasionedbyputtingupthecupsandsaucers，hadnotveryfortunatelyannouncedthatthetea-drinkingwasover。Thecrockeryhavingbeenremoved，thetablewiththegreenbaizecoverwascarriedoutintothecentreoftheroom，andthebusinessoftheeveningwascommencedbyalittleemphaticman，withabaldhead，anddrabshorts，whosuddenlyrusheduptheladder，attheimminentperilofsnappingthetwolittlelegsencasedinthedrabshorts，andsaid：

Ladiesandgentlemen，Imoveourexcellentbrother，Mr。AnthonyHumm，intothechair。

Theladieswavedachoicecollectionofpocket-handkerchiefsatthisproposition：andtheimpetuouslittlemanliterallymovedMr。Hummintothechair，bytakinghimbytheshouldersandthrustinghimintoamahogany-framewhichhadoncerepresentedthatarticleoffurniture。Thewavingofhandkerchiefswasrenewed。andMr。Humm，whowasasleek，white-facedman，inaperpetualperspiration，bowedmeekly，tothegreatadmirationofthefemales，andformallytookhisseat。Silencewasthenproclaimedbythelittlemaninthedrabshorts，andMr。Hummroseandsaid——That，withthepermissionofhisBrickLaneBranchbrothersandsisters，thenandtherepresent，thesecretarywouldreadthereportoftheBrickLaneBranchcommittee。

apropositionwhichwasagainreceivedwithademonstrationofpocket-handkerchiefs。

Thesecretaryhavingsneezedinaveryimpressivemanner，andthecoughwhichalwaysseizesanassembly，whenanythingparticularisgoingtobedone，havingbeendulyperformed，thefollowingdocumentwasread：

REPORTOFTHECOMMITTEEOFTHEBRICKLANEBRANCHOFTHE

UNITEDGRANDJUNCTIONEBENEZERTEMPERANCEASSOCIATION

Yourcommitteehavepursuedtheirgratefullaboursduringthepastmonth，andhavetheunspeakablepleasureofreportingthefollowingadditionalcasesofconvertstoTemperance。

H。Walker，tailor，wife，andtwochildren。Wheninbettercircumstances，ownstohavingbeenintheconstanthabitofdrinkingaleandbeer。saysheisnotcertainwhetherhedidnottwiceaweek，fortwentyyears，taste`dog’snose，’whichyourcommitteefinduponinquiry，tobecompoundedofwarmporter，moistsugar，gin，andnutmeg(agroan，and`Soitis！’

fromanelderlyfemale)。Isnowoutofworkandpenniless。thinksitmustbetheporter(cheers)orthelossoftheuseofhisrighthand。isnotcertainwhich，butthinksitverylikelythat，ifhehaddrunknothingbutwaterallhislife，hisfellowworkmanwouldneverhavestuckarustyneedleinhim，andtherebyoccasionedhisaccident(tremendouscheering)。

Hasnothingbutcoldwatertodrink，andneverfeelsthirsty(greatapplause)。

BetsyMartin，widow，onechild，andoneeye。Goesoutcharingandwashing，bytheday。neverhadmorethanoneeye，butknowshermotherdrankbottledstout，andshouldn’twonderifthatcausedit(immensecheering)。Thinksitnotimpossiblethatifshehadalwaysabstainedfromspirits，shemighthavehadtwoeyesbythistime(tremendousapplause)。Used，ateveryplaceshewentto，tohaveeighteenpenceaday，apintofporter，andaglassofspirits。butsinceshebecameamemberoftheBrickLaneBranch，hasalwaysdemandedthreeandsixpenceinstead(theannouncementofthismostinterestingfactwasreceivedwithdeafeningenthusiasm)。

HenryBellerwasformanyyearstoast-masteratvariouscorporationdinners，duringwhichtimehedrankagreatdealofforeignwine。maysometimeshavecarriedabottleortwohomewithhim。isnotquitecertainofthat，butissureifhedid，thathedrankthecontents。Feelsverylowandmelancholy，isveryfeverish，andhasaconstantthirstuponhim。thinksitmustbethewineheusedtodrink(cheers)。Isoutofemploynow：andnevertouchesadropofforeignwinebyanychance(tremendousplaudits)。

ThomasBurtonispurveyorofcat’smeattotheLordMayorandSheriffs，andseveralmembersoftheCommonCouncil(theannouncementofthisgentleman’snamewasreceivedwithbreathlessinterest)。Hasawoodenleg。findsawoodenlegexpensive，goingoverthestones。usedtowearsecond-handwoodenlegs，anddrinkaglassofhotginandwaterregularlyeverynight——sometimestwo(deepsighs)。Foundthesecond-handwoodenlegssplitandrotveryquickly。isfirmlypersuadedthattheirconstitutionwasunderminedbytheginandwater(prolongedcheering)。Buysnewwoodenlegsnow，anddrinksnothingbutwaterandweaktea。Thenewlegslasttwiceaslongastheothersusedtodo，andheattributesthissolelytohistemperatehabits(triumphantcheers)。

AnthonyHummnowmovedthattheassemblydoregaleitselfwithasong。

Withaviewtotheirrationalandmoralenjoyment，BrotherMordlinhadadaptedthebeautifulwordsofWhohasn’theardofaJollyYoungWaterman？

tothetuneoftheOldHundredth，whichhewouldrequestthemtojoinhiminsinging(greatapplause)。HemighttakethatopportunityofexpressinghisfirmpersuasionthatthelateMr。Dibdin，seeingtheerrorsofhisformerlife，hadwrittenthatsongtoshowtheadvantagesofabstinence。

Itwasatemperancesong(whirlwindsofcheers)。Theneatnessoftheyoungman’sattire，thedexterityofhisfeathering，theenviablestateofmindwhichenabledhiminthebeautifulwordsofthepoet，toRowalong，thinkingofnothingatall，allcombinedtoprovethathemusthavebeenawater-drinker(cheers)。Oh，whatastateofvirtuousjollity！(rapturouscheering)。Andwhatwastheyoungman’sreward？Letallyoungmenpresentmarkthis：Themaidensallflock’dtohisboatsoreadily。(Loudcheers，inwhichtheladiesjoined。)Whatabrightexample！Thesisterhood，themaidens，flockingroundtheyoungwaterman，andurginghimalongthestreamofdutyandoftemperance。But，wasitthemaidensofhumblelifeonly，whosoothed，consoled，andsupportedhim？No！Hewasalwaysfirstoarswiththefinecityladies。(Immensecheering。)Thesoftsextoaman——hebeggedpardon，toafemale——ralliedroundtheyoungwaterman，andturnedwithdisgustfromthedrinkerofspirits(cheers)。TheBrickLaneBranchbrotherswerewatermen(cheersandlaughter)。

Thatroomwastheirboat。thataudiencewerethemaidens。andhe(Mr。AnthonyHumm)，howeverunworthily，wasfirstoars(unboundedapplause)。

Wotdoeshemeanbythesoftsex，Sammy？inquiredMr。Weller，inawhisper。

Thewomin，saidSam，inthesametone。

Heain’tfaroutthere，Sammy，repliedMr。Weller。theymustbeasoftsex，——awerysoftsex，indeed——iftheyletthemselvesbegammonedbysuchfellersashim。

Anyfurtherobservationsfromtheindignantoldgentlemanwerecutshortbytheannouncementofthesong，whichMr。AnthonyHummgaveout，twolinesatatime，fortheinformationofsuchofhishearersaswereunacquaintedwiththelegend。Whileitwasbeingsung，thelittlemanwiththedrabshortsdisappeared。hereturnedimmediatelyonitsconclusion，andwhisperedMr。AnthonyHumm，withafaceofthedeepestimportance。

Myfriends，saidMr。Humm，holdinguphishandinadeprecatorymanner，tobespeakthesilenceofsuchofthestoutoldladiesaswereyetalineortwobehind。myfriends，adelegatefromtheDorkingbranchofourSociety，BrotherStiggins，attendsbelow。

Outcamethepocket-handkerchiefsagain，ingreaterforcethanever。

forMr。StigginswasexcessivelypopularamongthefemaleconstituencyofBrickLane。

Hemayapproach，Ithink，saidMr。Humm，lookingroundhim，withafatsmile。BrotherTadger，lethimcomeforthandgreetus。

ThelittlemaninthedrabshortswhoansweredtothenameofBrotherTadger，bustleddowntheladderwithgreatspeed，andwasimmediatelyafterwardsheardtumblingupwiththereverendMr。Stiggins。

He’sisacomin’，Sammy，whisperedMr。Weller，purpleinthecountenancewithsuppressedlaughter。

Don’tsaynothin’tome，repliedSam，forIcan’tbearit。He’sclosetothedoor。Iheardhima-knockin’hisheadagainthelathandplasternow。

AsSamWellerspoke，thelittledoorflewopen，andBrotherTadgerappeared，closelyfollowedbythereverendMr。Stiggins，whonosoonerentered，thantherewasagreatclappingofhands，andstampingoffeet，andflourishingofhandkerchiefs。toallofwhichmanifestationsofdelight，BrotherStigginsreturnednootheracknowledgmentthanstaringwithawildeye，andafixedsmile，attheextremetopofthewickofthecandleonthetable：swayinghisbodytoandfro，meanwhile，inaveryunsteadyanduncertainmanner。

Areyouunwell，BrotherStiggins？whisperedMr。AnthonyHumm。

Iamallright，sir，repliedMr。Stiggins，inatoneinwhichferocitywasblendedwithanextremethicknessofutterance。Iamallright，sir。

Oh，verywell，rejoinedMr。AnthonyHumm，retreatingafewpaces。

Ibelievenomanhere，hasventuredtosaythatIamnotallright，sir？saidMr。Stiggins。

Oh，certainlynot，saidMr。Humm。

Ishouldadvisehimnotto，sir。Ishouldadvisehimnot，saidMr。

Stiggins。

Bythistimetheaudiencewereperfectlysilent，andwaitedwithsomeanxietyfortheresumptionofbusiness。

Willyouaddressthemeeting，brother？saidMr。Humm，withasmileofinvitation。

No，sir，rejoinedMr。Stiggins。No，sir。Iwillnot，sir。

Themeetinglookedateachotherwithraisedeye-lids。andamurmurofastonishmentranthroughtheroom。

It’smyopinion，sir，saidMr。Stiggins，unbuttoninghiscoat，andspeakingveryloudly。it’smyopinion，sir，thatthismeetingisdrunk，sir。BrotherTadger，sir！saidMr。Stiggins，suddenlyincreasinginferocity，andturningsharproundonthelittlemaninthedrabshorts，youaredrunk，sir！Withthis，Mr。Stiggins，entertainingapraiseworthydesiretopromotethesobrietyofthemeeting，andtoexcludetherefromallimpropercharacters，hitBrotherTadgeronthesummitofthenosewithsuchunerringaim，thatthedrabshortsdisappearedlikeaflashoflightning。BrotherTadgerhadbeenknocked，headfirst，downtheladder。

Uponthis，thewomensetupaloudanddismalscreaming。andrushinginsmallpartiesbeforetheirfavouritebrothers，flungtheirarmsaroundthemtopreservethemfromdanger。Aninstanceofaffection，whichhadnearlyprovedfataltoHumm，who，beingextremelypopular，wasallbutsuffocated，bythecrowdoffemaledevoteesthathungabouthisneck，andheapedcaressesuponhim。Thegreaterpartofthelightswerequicklyputout，andnothingbutnoiseandconfusionresoundedonallsides。

Now，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，takingoffhisgreatcoatwithmuchdeliberation，justyoustepout，andfetchinawatchman。

Andwotareyouagoin’todo，thewhile？inquiredSam。

Neveryoumindme，Sammy，repliedtheoldgentleman。Ishallockipymyselfinhavin’asmallsettlementwiththat’ereStiggins。BeforeSamcouldinterferetopreventit，hisheroicparenthadpenetratedintoaremotecorneroftheroom，andattackedthereverendMr。Stigginswithmanualdexterity。

Comeoff！saidSam。

Comeon！criedMr。Weller。andwithoutfurtherinvitationhegavethereverendMr。Stigginsapreliminarytaponthehead，andbegandancingroundhiminabuoyantandcork-likemanner，whichinagentlemanathistimeoflifewasaperfectmarveltobehold。

Findingallremonstranceunavailing，Sampulledhishatfirmlyon，threwhisfather’scoatoverhisarm，andtakingtheoldmanroundthewaist，forciblydraggedhimdowntheladder，andintothestreet。neverreleasinghishold，orpermittinghimtostop，untiltheyreachedthecorner。Astheygainedit，theycouldheartheshoutsofthepopulace，whowerewitnessingtheremovalofthereverendMr。Stigginstostronglodgingsforthenight：

andcouldhearthenoiseoccasionedbythedispersioninvariousdirectionsofthemembersoftheBrickLaneBranchoftheUnitedGrandJunctionEbenezerTemperanceAssociation。

[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter34[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXXIVISWHOLLYDEVOTEDTOAFULLANDFAITHFULREPORTOF

THEMEMORABLETRIALOFBARDELLAGAINSTPICKWICK

IWONDERwhattheforemanofthejury，whoeverhe’llbe，hasgotforbreakfast，saidMr。Snodgrass，bywayofkeepingupaconversationontheeventfulmorningofthefourteenthofFebruary。

Ah！saidPerker，Ihopehe’sgotagoodone。

Whyso？inquiredMr。Pickwick。

Highlyimportant。veryimportant，mydearsir，repliedPerker。A

good，contented，well-breakfastedjuryman，isacapitalthingtogetholdof。Discontentedorhungryjurymen，mydearsir，alwaysfindfortheplaintiff。

Blessmyheart，saidMr。Pickwick，lookingveryblank。whatdotheydothatfor？

Why，Idon’tknow，repliedthelittleman，coolly。savestime，I

suppose。Ifit’sneardinner-time，theforemantakesouthiswatchwhenthejuryhasretired，andsays，`Dearme，gentlemen，tenminutestofive，Ideclare！Idineatfive，gentlemen。’`SodoI，’sayseverybodyelse，excepttwomenwhooughttohavedinedatthree，andseemmorethanhalfdisposedtostandoutinconsequence。Theforemansmiles，andputsuphiswatch：——`Well，gentlemen，whatdowesay，plaintiffordefendant，gentlemen？

Iratherthink，sofarasIamconcerned，gentlemen，——Isay，Iratherthink，——butdon’tletthatinfluenceyou——Iratherthinktheplaintiff’stheman。’Uponthis，twoorthreeothermenaresuretosaythattheythinksotoo——asofcoursetheydo。andthentheygetonveryunanimouslyandcomfortably。Tenminutespastnine！saidthelittleman，lookingathiswatch。Timewewereoff，mydearsir。breachofpromisetrial——courtisgenerallyfullinsuchcases。Youhadbetterringforacoach，mydearsir，orweshallberatherlate。

Mr。Pickwickimmediatelyrangthebell。andacoachhavingbeenprocured，thefourPickwickiansandMr。Perkerensconcedthemselvestherein，anddrovetoGuildhall。SamWeller，Mr。Lowten，andthebluebag，followinginacab。

Lowten，saidPerker，whentheyreachedtheouterhallofthecourt，putMr。Pickwick’sfriendsinthestudents’box。Mr。Pickwickhimselfhadbettersitbyme。Thisway，mydearsir，thisway。TakingMr。Pickwickbythecoat-sleeve，thelittlemanledhimtothelowseatjustbeneaththedesksoftheKing’sCounsel，whichisconstructedfortheconvenienceofattorneys，whofromthatspotcanwhisperintotheearoftheleadingcounselinthecase，anyinstructionsthatmaybenecessaryduringtheprogressofthetrial。Theoccupantsofthisseatareinvisibletothegreatbodyofspectators，inasmuchastheysitonamuchlowerlevelthaneitherthebarristersortheaudience，whoseseatsareraisedabovethefloor。Ofcoursetheyhavetheirbackstoboth，andtheirfacestowardsthejudge。

That’sthewitness-box，Isuppose？saidMr。Pickwick，pointingtoakindofpulpit，withabrassrail，onhislefthand。

That’sthewitness-box，mydearsir，repliedPerker，disinterringaquantityofpapersfromthebluebag，whichLowtenhadjustdepositedathisfeet。

Andthat，saidMr。Pickwick，pointingtoacoupleofenclosedseatsonhisright，that’swherethejurymensit，isitnot？

Theidenticalplace，mydearsir，repliedPerker，tappingthelidofhissnuff-box。

Mr。Pickwickstoodupinastateofgreatagitation，andtookaglanceatthecourt。Therewerealreadyaprettylargesprinklingofspectatorsinthegallery，andanumerousmusterofgentlemeninwigs，inthebarristers’

seats：whopresented，asabody，allthatpleasingandextensivevarietyofnoseandwhiskerforwhichthebarofEnglandissojustlycelebrated。

Suchofthegentlemenashadabrieftocarry，carrieditinasconspicuousamanneraspossible，andoccasionallyscratchedtheirnosestherewith，toimpressthefactmorestronglyontheobservationofthespectators。

Othergentlemen，whohadnobriefstoshow，carriedundertheirarmsgoodlyoctavos，witharedlabelbehind，andthatunderdone-pie-crust-colouredcover，whichistechnicallyknownaslawcalf。Others，whohadneitherbriefsnorbooks，thrusttheirhandsintotheirpockets，andlookedaswiseastheyconvenientlycould。others，again，movedhereandtherewithgreatrestlessnessandearnestnessofmanner，contenttoawakentherebytheadmirationandastonishmentoftheuninitiatedstrangers。Thewhole，tothegreatwondermentofMr。Pickwick，weredividedintolittlegroups，whowerechattinganddiscussingthenewsofthedayinthemostunfeelingmannerpossible，——justasifnotrialatallwerecomingon。

AbowfromMr。Phunky，asheentered，andtookhisseatbehindtherowappropriatedtotheKing’sCounsel，attractedMr。Pickwick’sattention。

andhehadscarcelyreturnedit，whenMr。SerjeantSnubbinappeared，followedbyMr。Mallard，whohalfhidtheSerjeantbehindalargecrimsonbag，whichheplacedonhistable，and，aftershakinghandswithPerker，withdrew。

ThenthereenteredtwoorthreemoreSerjeants。andamongthem，onewithafatbodyandaredface，whonoddedinafriendlymannertoMr。SerjeantSnubbin，andsaiditwasafinemorning。

Who’sthatred-facedman，whosaiditwasafinemorning，andnoddedtoourcounsel？whisperedMr。Pickwick。

Mr。SerjeantBuzfuz，repliedPerker。He’sopposedtous。heleadsontheotherside。ThatgentlemanbehindhimisMr。Skimpin，hisjunior。

Mr。Pickwickwasonthepointofinquiring，withgreatabhorrenceoftheman’scold-bloodedvillainy，howMr。SerjeantBuzfuz，whowascounselfortheoppositeparty，daredtopresumetotellMr。SerjeantSnubbin，whowascounselforhim，thatitwasafinemorning，whenhewasinterruptedbyageneralrisingofthebarristers，andaloudcryofSilence！fromtheofficersofthecourt。Lookinground，hefoundthatthiswascausedbytheentranceofthejudge。

Mr。JusticeStareleigh(whosatintheabsenceoftheChiefJustice，occasionedbyindisposition)，wasamostparticularlyshortman，andsofat，thatheseemedallfaceandwaistcoat。Herolledin，upontwolittleturnedlegs，andhavingbobbedgravelytothebar，whobobbedgravelytohim，puthislittlelegsunderneathhistable，andhislittlethree-corneredhatuponit。andwhenMr。JusticeStareleighhaddonethis，allyoucouldseeofhimwastwoqueerlittleeyes，onebroadpinkface，andsomewhereabouthalfofabigandverycomical-lookingwig。

Thejudgehadnosoonertakenhisseat，thantheofficeronthefloorofthecourtcalledoutSilence！inacommandingtone，uponwhichanotherofficerinthegallerycriedSilence！inanangrymanner，whereuponthreeorfourmoreushersshoutedSilence！inavoiceofindignantremonstrance。

Thisbeingdone，agentlemaninblack，whosatbelowthejudge，proceededtocalloverthenamesofthejury。andafteragreatdealofbawling，itwasdiscoveredthatonlytenspecialjurymenwerepresent。Uponthis，Mr。SerjeantBuzfuzprayedatales。thegentlemaninblackthenproceededtopressintothespecialjury，twoofthecommonjurymen。andagreen-grocerandachemistwerecaughtdirectly。

Answertoyournames，gentlemen，thatyoumaybesworn，saidthegentlemaninblack。RichardUpwitch。

Here，saidthegreen-grocer。

ThomasGroffin。

Here，saidthechemist。

Takethebook，gentlemen。Youshallwellandtrulytry——

Ibegthiscourt’spardon，saidthechemist，whowasatall，thin，yellow-visagedman，butIhopethiscourtwillexcusemyattendance。

Onwhatgrounds，sir？saidMr。JusticeStareleigh。

Ihavenoassistant，myLord，saidthechemist。

Ican’thelpthat，sir，repliedMr。JusticeStareleigh。Youshouldhireone。

Ican’taffordit，myLord，rejoinedthechemist。

Thenyououghttobeabletoaffordit，sir，saidthejudge，reddening。

forJusticeStareleigh’stemperborderedontheirritable，andbrookednotcontradiction。

IknowIoughttodo，ifIgotonaswellasIdeserved，butIdon’t，myLord，answeredthechemist。

Swearthegentleman，saidthejudge，peremptorily。

TheofficerhadgotnofurtherthantheYoushallwellandtrulytry，

whenhewasagaininterruptedbythechemist。

Iamtobesworn，myLord，amI？saidthechemist。

Certainly，sir，repliedthetestylittlejudge。

Verywell，myLord，repliedthechemist，inaresignedmanner。Thenthere’llbemurderbeforethistrial’sover。that’sall。Swearme，ifyouplease，sir。andswornthechemistwas，beforethejudgecouldfindwordstoutter。

Imerelywantedtoobserve，myLord，saidthechemist，takinghisseatwithgreatdeliberation，thatI’veleftnobodybutanerrand-boyinmyshop。Heisaveryniceboy，myLord，butheisnotacquaintedwithdrugs。andIknowthattheprevailingimpressiononhismindis，thatEpsomsaltsmeansoxalicacid。andsyrupofsenna，laudanum。That’sall，myLord。

Withthis，thetallchemistcomposedhimselfintoacomfortableattitude，and，assumingapleasantexpressionofcountenance，appearedtohavepreparedhimselffortheworst。

Mr。Pickwickwasregardingthechemistwithfeelingsofthedeepesthorror，whenaslightsensationwasperceptibleinthebodyofthecourt。

andimmediatelyafterwardsMrs。Bardell，supportedbyMrs。Cluppins，wasledin，andplacedinadroopingstate，attheotherendoftheseatonwhichMr。Pickwicksat。AnextrasizedumbrellawasthenhandedinbyMr。

Dodson，andapairofpattensbyMr。Fogg，eachofwhomhadpreparedamostsympathisingandmelancholyfacefortheoccasion。Mrs。Sandersthenappeared，leadinginMasterBardell。Atsightofherchild，Mrs。Bardellstarted。suddenlyrecollectingherself，shekissedhiminafranticmanner。

thenrelapsingintoastateofhystericalimbecility，thegoodladyrequestedtobeinformedwhereshewas。Inreplytothis，Mrs。CluppinsandMrs。

Sandersturnedtheirheadsawayandwept，whileMessrs。DodsonandFoggintreatedtheplaintifftocomposeherself。SerjeantBuzfuzrubbedhiseyesveryhardwithalargewhitehandkerchief，andgaveanappealinglooktowardsthejury，whilethejudgewasvisiblyaffected，andseveralofthebeholderstriedtocoughdowntheiremotions。

Verygoodnotionthat，indeed，whisperedPerkertoMr。Pickwick。CapitalfellowsthoseDodsonandFogg。excellentideasofeffect，mydearsir，excellent。

AsPerkerspoke，Mrs。Bardellbegantorecoverbyslowdegrees，whileMrs。Cluppins，afteracarefulsurveyofMasterBardell’sbuttonsandthebutton-holestowhichtheyseverallybelonged，placedhimonthefloorofthecourtinfrontofhismother，——acommandingpositioninwhichhecouldnotfailtoawakenthefullcommiserationandsympathyofbothjudgeandjury。Thiswasnotdonewithoutconsiderableopposition，andmanytears，onthepartoftheyounggentlemanhimself，whohadcertaininwardmisgivingsthattheplacinghimwithinthefullglareofthejudge’seyewasonlyaformalpreludetohisbeingimmediatelyorderedawayforinstantexecution，orfortransportationbeyondtheseas，duringthewholetermofhisnaturallife，attheveryleast。

BardellandPickwick，criedthegentlemaninblack，callingonthecase，whichstoodfirstonthelist。

Iamfortheplaintiff，myLord，saidMr。SerjeantBuzfuz。

Whoiswithyou，brotherBufzuz？saidthejudge。Mr。Skimpinbowed，tointimatethathewas。

Iappearforthedefendant，myLord，saidMr。SerjeantSnubbin。

Anybodywithyou，brotherSnubbin？inquiredthecourt。

Mr。Phunky，myLord，repliedSerjeantSnubbin。

SerjeantBuzfuzandMr。Skimpinfortheplaintiff，saidthejudge，writingdownthenamesinhisnote-book，andreadingashewrote。forthedefendant，SerjeantSnubbinandMr。Monkey。

BegyourLordship’spardon，Phunky。

Oh，verygood，saidthejudge。Ineverhadthepleasureofhearingthegentleman’snamebefore。HereMr。Phunkybowedandsmiled，andthejudgebowedandsmiledtoo，andthenMr。Phunky，blushingintotheverywhitesofhiseyes，triedtolookasifhedidn’tknowthateverybodywasgazingathim：athingwhichnomaneversucceededindoingyet，orinallreasonableprobability，everwill。

Goon，saidthejudge。

Theushersagaincalledsilence，andMr。Skimpinproceededtoopenthecase。andthecaseappearedtohaveverylittleinsideitwhenhehadopenedit，forhekeptsuchparticularsasheknew，completelytohimself，andsatdown，afteralapseofthreeminutes，leavingthejuryinpreciselythesameadvancedstageofwisdomastheywereinbefore。

SerjeantBuzfuzthenrosewithallthemajestyanddignitywhichthegravenatureoftheproceedingsdemanded，andhavingwhisperedtoDodson，andconferredbrieflywithFogg，pulledhisgownoverhisshoulders，settledhiswig，andaddressedthejury。

SerjeantBuzfuzbeganbysaying，thatnever，inthewholecourseofhisprofessionalexperience——never，fromtheveryfirstmomentofhisapplyinghimselftothestudyandpracticeofthelaw——hadheapproachedacasewithfeelingsofsuchdeepemotion，orwithsuchaheavysenseoftheresponsibilityimposeduponhim——aresponsibility，hewouldsay，whichhecouldneverhavesupported，werehenotbuoyedupandsustainedbyaconvictionsostrong，thatitamountedtopositivecertaintythatthecauseoftruthandjustice，or，inotherwords，thecauseofhismuch-injuredandmostoppressedclient，mustprevailwiththehigh-mindedandintelligentdozenofmenwhomhenowsawinthatboxbeforehim。

Counselusuallybegininthisway，becauseitputsthejuryontheverybesttermswiththemselves，andmakesthemthinkwhatsharpfellowstheymustbe。Avisibleeffectwasproducedimmediately。severaljurymenbeginningtotakevoluminousnoteswiththeutmosteagerness。

Youhaveheardfrommylearnedfriend，gentlemen，continuedSerjeantBuzfuz，wellknowingthat，fromthelearnedfriendalludedto，thegentlemenofthejuryhadheardjustnothingatall——youhaveheardfrommylearnedfriend，gentlemen，thatthisisanactionforabreachofpromiseofmarriage，inwhichthedamagesarelaidat1，500。Butyouhavenotheardfrommylearnedfriend，inasmuchasitdidnotcomewithinmylearnedfriend’sprovincetotellyou，whatarethefactsandcircumstancesofthecase。

Thosefactsandcircumstances，gentlemen，youshallheardetailedbyme，andprovedbytheunimpeachablefemalewhomIwillplaceinthatboxbeforeyou。

HereMr。SerjeantBuzfuz，withatremendousemphasisonthewordbox，

smotehistablewithamightysound，andglancedatDodsonandFogg，whonoddedadmirationoftheserjeant，andindignantdefianceofthedefendant。

Theplaintiff，gentlemen，continuedSerjeantBuzfuz，inasoftandmelancholyvoice，theplaintiffisawidow。yes，gentlemen，awidow。ThelateMr。Bardell，afterenjoying，formanyyears，theesteemandconfidenceofhissovereign，asoneoftheguardiansofhisroyalrevenues，glidedalmostimperceptiblyfromtheworld，toseekelsewhereforthatreposeandpeacewhichacustom-housecanneverafford。

AtthispatheticdescriptionofthedeceaseofMr。Bardell，whohadbeenknockedontheheadwithaquart-potinapublic-housecellar，thelearnedserjeant’svoicefaltered，andheproceededwithemotion：

Sometimebeforehisdeath，hehadstampedhislikenessuponalittleboy。Withthislittleboy，theonlypledgeofherdepartedexciseman，Mrs。

Bardellshrunkfromtheworld，andcourtedtheretirementandtranquillityofGoswellStreet。andheresheplacedinherfrontparlour-windowawrittenplacard，bearingthisinscription——`Apartmentsfurnishedforasinglegentleman。

Inquirewithin。’HereSerjeantBuzfuzpaused，whileseveralgentlemenofthejurytookanoteofthedocument。

Thereisnodatetothat，isthere，sir？inquiredajuror。

Thereisnodate，gentlemen，repliedSerjeantBuzfuz。butIaminstructedtosaythatitwasputintheplaintiff’sparlour-windowjustthistimethreeyears。Iintreattheattentionofthejurytothewordingofthisdocument，`Apartmentsfurnishedforasinglegentlemen’！Mrs。Bardell’sopinionsoftheoppositesex，gentlemen，werederivedfromalongcontemplationoftheinestimablequalitiesofherlosthusband。Shehadnofear，shehadnodistrust，shehadnosuspicion，allwasconfidenceandreliance。

`Mr。Bardell，’saidthewidow。`Mr。Bardellwasamanofhonour，Mr。Bardellwasamanofhisword，Mr。Bardellwasnodeceiver，Mr。Bardellwasonceasinglegentlemanhimself。tosinglegentlemenIlookforprotection，forassistance，forcomfort，andforconsolation。insinglegentlemenIshallperpetuallyseesomethingtoremindmeofwhatMr。Bardellwas，whenhefirstwonmyyounganduntriedaffections。toasinglegentleman，then，shallmylodgingsbelet。’Actuatedbythisbeautifulandtouchingimpulse(amongthebestimpulsesofourimperfectnature，gentlemen)，thelonelyanddesolatewidowdriedhertears，furnishedherfirstfloor，caughttheinnocentboytohermaternalbosom，andputthebillupinherparlour-window。

Diditremaintherelong？No。Theserpentwasonthewatch，thetrainwaslaid，theminewaspreparing，thesapperandminerwasatwork。Beforethebillhadbeenintheparlour-windowthreedays——threedays——gentlemen——aBeing，erectupontwolegs，andbearingalltheoutwardsemblanceofaman，andnotofamonster，knockedatthedoorofMrs。Bardell’shouse。

Heinquiredwithin。hetookthelodgings。andontheverynextdayheenteredintopossessionofthem。ThismanwasPickwick——Pickwick，thedefendant。

SerjeantBuzfuz，whohadproceededwithsuchvolubilitythathisfacewasperfectlycrimson，herepausedforbreath。ThesilenceawokeMr。JusticeStareleigh，whoimmediatelywrotedownsomethingwithapenwithoutanyinkinit，andlookedunusuallyprofound，toimpressthejurywiththebeliefthathealwaysthoughtmostdeeplywithhiseyesshut。SerjeantBuzfuzproceeded。

OfthismanPickwickIwillsaylittle。thesubjectpresentsbutfewattractions。andI，gentlemen，amnottheman，norareyou，gentlemen，themen，todelightinthecontemplationofrevoltingheartlessness，andofsystematicvillainy。

HereMr。Pickwick，whohadbeenwrithinginsilenceforsometime，gaveaviolentstart，asifsomevagueideaofassaultingSerjeantBuzfuz，intheaugustpresenceofjusticeandlaw，suggesteditselftohismind。AnadmonitorygesturefromPerkerrestrainedhim，andhelistenedtothelearnedgentleman’scontinuationwithalookofindignation，whichcontrastedforciblywiththeadmiringfacesofMrs。CluppinsandMrs。Sanders。

Isaysystematicvillainy，gentlemen，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，lookingthroughMr。Pickwick，andtalkingathim。andwhenIsaysystematicvillainy，letmetellthedefendantPickwick，ifhebeincourt，asIaminformedheis，thatitwouldhavebeenmoredecentinhim，morebecoming，inbetterjudgment，andinbettertaste，ifhehadstoppedaway。Letmetellhim，gentlemen，thatanygesturesofdissentordisapprobationinwhichhemayindulgeinthiscourtwillnotgodownwithyou。thatyouwillknowhowtovalueandhowtoappreciatethem。andletmetellhimfurther，asmylordwilltellyou，gentlemen，thatacounsel，inthedischargeofhisdutytohisclient，isneithertobeintimidated，norbullied，norputdown。andthatanyattempttodoeithertheoneortheother，orthefirst，orthelast，willrecoilontheheadoftheattempter，beheplaintifforbehedefendant，behisnamePickwick，orNoakes，orStoakes，orStiles，orBrown，orThompson。

Thislittledivergencefromthesubjectinhand，hadofcourse，theintendedeffectofturningalleyestoMr。Pickwick。SerjeantBuzfuz，havingpartiallyrecoveredfromthestateofmoralelevationintowhichhehadlashedhimself，resumed：

Ishallshowyou，gentlemen，thatfortwoyearsPickwickcontinuedtoresideconstantly，andwithoutinterruptionorintermission，atMrs。

Bardell’shouse。IshallshowyouthatMrs。Bardell，duringthewholeofthattimewaitedonhim，attendedtohiscomforts，cookedhismeals，lookedouthislinenforthewasherwomanwhenitwentabroad，darned，aired，andprepareditforwear，whenitcamehome，and，inshort，enjoyedhisfullesttrustandconfidence。Ishallshowyouthat，onmanyoccasions，hegavehalfpence，andonsomeoccasionsevensixpences，toherlittleboy。andIshallprovetoyou，byawitnesswhosetestimonyitwillbeimpossibleformylearnedfriendtoweakenorcontrovert，thatononeoccasionhepattedtheboyonthehead，and，afterinquiringwhetherhehadwonanyalleytorsorcommoneyslately(bothofwhichIunderstandtobeaparticularspeciesofmarblesmuchprizedbytheyouthofthistown)，madeuseofthisremarkableexpression：`Howshouldyouliketohaveanotherfather？’Ishallprovetoyou，gentlemen，thataboutayearago，Pickwicksuddenlybegantoabsenthimselffromhome，duringlongintervals，asifwiththeintentionofgraduallybreakingofffrommyclient。butIshallshowyoualso，thathisresolutionwasnotatthattimesufficientlystrong，orthathisbetterfeelingsconquered，ifbetterfeelingshehas，orthatthecharmsandaccomplishmentsofmyclientprevailedagainsthisunmanlyintentions。byprovingtoyou，thatononeoccasion，whenhereturnedfromthecountry，hedistinctlyandinterms，offeredhermarriage：previouslyhowever，takingspecialcarethatthereshouldbenowitnesstotheirsolemncontract。andIaminasituationtoprovetoyou，onthetestimonyofthreeofhisownfriends，——mostunwillingwitnesses，gentlemen——mostunwillingwitnesses——thatonthatmorninghewasdiscoveredbythemholdingtheplaintiffinhisarms，andsoothingheragitationbyhiscaressesandendearments。

Avisibleimpressionwasproducedupontheauditorsbythispartofthelearnedserjeant’saddress。Drawingforthtwoverysmallscrapsofpaper，heproceeded：

Andnow，gentlemen，butonewordmore。Twolettershavepassedbetweentheseparties，letterswhichareadmittedtobeinthehandwritingofthedefendant，andwhichspeakvolumesindeed。Theseletters，too，bespeakthecharacteroftheman。Theyarenotopen，fervent，eloquentepistles，breathingnothingbutthelanguageofaffectionateattachment。Theyarecovert，sly，underhandedcommunications，but，fortunately，farmoreconclusivethanifcouchedinthemostglowinglanguageandthemostpoeticimagery——lettersthatmustbeviewedwithacautiousandsuspiciouseye——lettersthatwereevidentlyintendedatthetime，byPickwick，tomisleadanddeludeanythirdpartiesintowhosehandstheymightfall。Letmereadthefirst：——`Garraway’s，twelveo’clock。DearMrs。B——ChopsandTomatosauce。Yours，PICKWICK。’

Gentlemen，whatdoesthismean？ChopsandTomatosauce！Yours，Pickwick！

Chops！Graciousheavens！andTomatosauce！Gentlemen，isthehappinessofasensitiveandconfidingfemaletobetrifledaway，bysuchshallowartificesasthese？Thenexthasnodatewhatever，whichinitselfissuspicious。

`DearMrs。B。，Ishallnotbeathometillto-morrow。Slowcoach。’Andthenfollowsthisveryremarkableexpression。`Don’ttroubleyourselfaboutthewarming-pan。’Thewarming-pan！Why，gentlemen，whodoestroublehimselfaboutawarming-pan？Whenwasthepeaceofmindofmanorwomanbrokenordisturbedbyawarming-pan，whichisinitselfaharmless，auseful，andIwilladd，gentlemen，acomfortingarticleofdomesticfurniture？

WhyisMrs。Bardellsoearnestlyentreatednottoagitateherselfaboutthiswarming-pan，unless(asisnodoubtthecase)itisamerecoverforhiddenfire——ameresubstituteforsomeendearingwordorpromise，agreeablytoapreconcertedsystemofcorrespondence，artfullycontrivedbyPickwickwithaviewtohiscontemplateddesertion，andwhichIamnotinaconditiontoexplain？Andwhatdoesthisallusiontotheslowcoachmean？ForaughtIknow，itmaybeareferencetoPickwickhimself，whohasmostunquestionablybeenacriminallyslowcoachduringthewholeofthistransaction，butwhosespeedwillnowbeveryunexpectedlyaccelerated，andwhosewheels，gentlemen，ashewillfindtohiscost，willverysoonbegreasedbyyou！

Mr。SerjeantBuzfuzpausedinthisplace，toseewhetherthejurysmiledathisjoke。butasnobodytookitbutthegreengrocer，whosesensitivenessonthesubjectwasveryprobablyoccasionedbyhishavingsubjectedachaise-carttotheprocessinquestiononthatidenticalmorning，thelearnedserjeantconsidereditadvisabletoundergoaslightrelapseintothedismalsbeforeheconcluded。

Butenoughofthis，gentlemen，saidMr。SerjeantBuzfuz，itisdifficulttosmilewithanachingheart。itisilljestingwhenourdeepestsympathiesareawakened。Myclient’shopesandprospectsareruined，anditisnofigureofspeechtosaythatheroccupationisgoneindeed。Thebillisdown——butthereisnotenant。Eligiblesinglegentlemenpassandrepass——butthereisnoinvitationforthemtoinquirewithinorwithout。Allisgloomandsilenceinthehouse。eventhevoiceofthechildishushed。hisinfantsportsaredisregardedwhenhismotherweeps。his`alleytors’andhis`commoneys’arealikeneglected。heforgetsthelongfamiliarcryof`knuckledown，’andattip-cheese，oroddandeven，hishandisout。ButPickwick，gentlemen，Pickwick，theruthlessdestroyerofthisdomesticoasisinthedesertofGoswellStreet——Pickwick，whohaschokedupthewell，andthrownashesonthesward——Pickwick，whocomesbeforeyouto-daywithhisheartlessTomatosauceandwarming-pans——Pickwickstillrearshisheadwithunblushingeffrontery，andgazeswithoutasighontheruinhehasmade。Damages，gentlemen——heavydamages——istheonlypunishmentwithwhichyoucanvisithim。theonlyrecompenseyoucanawardtomyclient。Andforthosedamagesshenowappealstoanenlightened，ahigh-minded，aright-feeling，aconscientious，adispassionate，asympathising，acontemplativejuryofhercivilisedcountrymen。Withthisbeautifulperoration，Mr。SerjeantBuzfuzsatdown，andMr。JusticeStareleighwokeup。

CallElizabethCluppins，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，risingaminuteafterwards，withrenewedvigour。

ThenearestushercalledforElizabethTuppins。anotherone，atalittledistanceoff，demandedElizabethJupkins。andathirdrushedinabreathlessstateintoKingStreet，andscreamedforElizabethMuffinstillhewashoarse。

MeanwhileMrs。Cluppins，withthecombinedassistanceofMrs。Bardell，Mrs。Sanders，Mr。Dodson，andMr。Fogg，washoistedintothewitness-box。

andwhenshewassafelyperchedonthetopstep，Mrs。Bardellstoodonthebottomone，withthepocket-handkerchiefandpattensinonehand，andaglassbottlethatmightholdaboutaquarterofapintofsmellingsaltsintheother，readyforanyemergency。Mrs。Sanders，whoseeyeswereintentlyfixedonthejudge’sface，plantedherselfcloseby，withthelargeumbrella：

keepingherrightthumbpressedonthespringwithanearnestcountenance，asifshewerefullypreparedtoputitupatamoment’snotice。

Mrs。Cluppins，saidSerjeantBuzfuzpraycomposeyourself，ma’am。

Ofcourse，directlyMrs。Cluppinswasdesiredtocomposeherselfshesobbedwithincreasedvehemence，andgavediversalarmingmanifestationsofanapproachingfaintingfit，or，assheafterwardssaid，ofherfeelingsbeingtoomanyforher。

Doyourecollect，Mrs。Cluppins？saidSerjeantBuzfuz，afterafewunimportantquestions，doyourecollectbeinginMrs。Bardell’sbackonepairofstairs，ononeparticularmorninginJulylast，whenshewasdustingPickwick’sapartment？

Yes，myLordandJury，Ido，repliedMrs。Cluppins。

Mr。Pickwick’ssitting-roomwasthefirst-floorfront，Ibelieve？

Yes，itwere，sir，repliedMrs。Cluppins。

Whatwereyoudoinginthebackroom，ma’am？inquiredthelittlejudge。

MyLordandJury，saidMrs。Cluppins，withinterestingagitation，Iwillnotdeceiveyou。

Youhadbetternot，ma’am，saidthelittlejudge。

Iwasthere，resumedMrs。Cluppins，unbeknowntoMrs。Bardell。I

hadbeenoutwithalittlebasket，gentlemen，tobuythreepoundofredkidneypurtaties，whichwasthreepoundtuppenceha’penny，whenIseeMrs。

Bardell’sstreetdooronthejar。

Onthewhat？exclaimedthelittlejudge。

Partlyopen，myLord，saidSerjeantSnubbin。

Shesaidonthejar，saidthelittlejudge，withacunninglook。

It’sallthesame，myLord，’saidSerjeantSnubbin。Thelittlejudgelookeddoubtful，andsaidhe’dmakeanoteofit。Mrs。Cluppinsthenresumed：

Iwalkedin，gentlemen，justtosaygoodmornin’，andwent，inapermiscuousmanner，up-stairs，andintothebackroom。Gentlemen，therewasthesoundofvoicesinthefrontroom，and——

Andyoulistened，Ibelieve，Mrs。Cluppins？saidSerjeantBuzfuz。

Beggin’yourpardon，sir，repliedMrs。Cluppins，inamajesticmanner，Iwouldscornthehaction。Thevoiceswasveryloud，sir，andforcedthemselvesuponmyear。

Well，Mrs。Cluppins，youwerenotlistening，butyouheardthevoices。

Wasoneofthosevoices，Pickwick’s？

Yes，itwere，sir。

AndMrs。Cluppins，afterdistinctlystatingthatMr。PickwickaddressedhimselftoMrs。Bardell，repeated，byslowdegrees，andbydintofmanyquestions，theconversationwithwhichourreadersarealreadyacquainted。

Thejurylookedsuspicious，andMr。SerjeantBuzfuzsmiledandsatdown。

TheylookedpositivelyawfulwhenSerjeantSnubbinintimatedthatheshouldnotcross-examinethewitness，forMr。Pickwickwishedittobedistinctlystatedthatitwasduetohertosay，thatheraccountwasinsubstancecorrect。

Mrs。Cluppinshavingoncebrokentheice，thoughtitafavourableopportunityforenteringintoashortdissertationonherowndomesticaffairs。so，shestraightwayproceededtoinformthecourtthatshewasthemotherofeightchildrenatthatpresentspeaking，andthatsheentertainedconfidentexpectationsofpresentingMr。Cluppinswithaninth，somewhereaboutthatdaysixmonths。Atthisinterestingpoint，thelittlejudgeinterposedmostirascibly。andtheeffectoftheinterpositionwas，thatboththeworthyladyandMrs。Sanderswerepolitelytakenoutofcourt，undertheescortofMr。Jackson，withoutfurtherparley。

NathanielWinkle！saidMr。Skimpin。

Here！repliedafeeblevoice。Mr。Winkleenteredthewitnessbox，andhavingbeendulysworn，bowedtothejudgewithconsiderabledeference。

Don’tlookatme，sir，saidthejudge，sharply，inacknowledgmentofthesalute。lookatthejury。

Mr。Winkleobeyedthemandate，andlookedattheplacewherehethoughtitmostprobablethejurymightbe。forseeinganythinginhisthenstateofintellectualcomplicationwaswhollyoutofthequestion。

Mr。WinklewasthenexaminedbyMr。Skimpin，who，beingapromisingyoungmanoftwoorthreeandforty，wasofcourseanxioustoconfuseawitnesswhowasnotoriouslypredisposedinfavouroftheotherside，asmuchashecould。

Now，sir，saidMr。Skimpin，havethegoodnesstolethisLordshipandthejuryknowwhatyournameis，willyou？andMr。Skimpininclinedhisheadononesidetolistenwithgreatsharpnesstotheanswer，andglancedatthejurymeanwhile，asiftoimplythatheratherexpectedMr。

Winkle’snaturaltasteforperjurywouldinducehimtogivesomenamewhichdidnotbelongtohim。

Winkle，repliedthewitness。

What’syourChristianname，sir？angrilyinquiredthelittlejudge。

Nathaniel，sir。

Daniel，——anyothername？

Nathaniel，sir——myLord，Imean。

NathanielDaniel，orDanielNathaniel？

No，myLord，onlyNathaniel。notDanielatall。

WhatdidyoutellmeitwasDanielfor，then，sir？inquiredthejudge。

Ididn’t，myLord，repliedMr。Winkle。

Youdid，sir，repliedthejudge，withaseverefrown。

HowcouldIhavegotDanielonmynotes，unlessyoutoldmeso，sir？

Thisargumentwas，ofcourse，unanswerable。

Mr。Winklehasratherashortmemory，myLord，interposedMr。Skimpin，withanotherglanceatthejury。Weshallfindmeanstorefreshitbeforewehavequitedonewithhim，Idaresay。

Youhadbetterbecareful，sir，saidthelittlejudge，withasinisterlookatthewitness。

PoorMr。Winklebowed，andendeavouredtofeignaneasinessofmanner，which，inhisthenstateofconfusion，gavehimrathertheairofadisconcertedpickpocket。

Now，Mr。Winkle，saidMr。Skimpin，attendtome，ifyouplease，sir。

andletmerecommendyou，foryourownsake，tobearinmindhisLordship’sinjunctiontobecareful。IbelieveyouareaparticularfriendofPickwick，thedefendant，areyounot？

IhaveknownMr。Pickwicknow，aswellasIrecollectatthismoment，nearly——

Pray，Mr。Winkle，donotevadethequestion。Areyou，orareyounot，aparticularfriendofthedefendant’s？

Iwasjustabouttosay，that——

Willyou，orwillyounot，answermyquestion，sir？

Ifyoudon’tanswerthequestionyou’llbecommitted，sir，interposedthelittlejudge，lookingoverhisnote-book。

Come，sir，saidMr。Skimpin，yesorno，ifyouplease。

Yes，Iam，repliedMr。Winkle。

Yes，youare。Andwhycouldn’tyousaythatatonce，sir？Perhapsyouknowtheplaintiff，too？Eh，Mr。Winkle？

Idon’tknowher。I’veseenher。

Oh，youdon’tknowher，butyou’veseenher？Now，havethegoodnesstotellthegentlemenofthejurywhatyoumeanbythat，Mr。Winkle。

ImeanthatIamnotintimatewithher，butIhaveseenherwhenI

wenttocallonMr。PickwickinGoswellStreet。

Howoftenhaveyouseenher，sir？

Howoften？

Yes，Mr。Winkle，howoften？I’llrepeatthequestionforyouadozentimes，ifyourequireit，sir。Andthelearnedgentleman，withafirmandsteadyfrown，placedhishandsonhiships，andsmiledsuspiciouslyatthejury。

Onthisquestiontherearosetheedifyingbrow-beating，customaryonsuchpoints。Firstofall，Mr。WinklesaiditwasquiteimpossibleforhimtosayhowmanytimeshehadseenMrs。Bardell。Thenhewasaskedifhehadseenhertwentytimes，towhichhereplied，Certainly，——morethanthat。Thenhewasaskedwhetherhehadn’tseenherahundredtimes——whetherhecouldn’tswearthathehadseenhermorethanfiftytimes——whetherhedidn’tknowthathehadseenheratleastseventy-fivetimes——andsoforth。

thesatisfactoryconclusionwhichwasarrivedat，atlast，being，thathehadbettertakecareofhimself，andmindwhathewasabout。Thewitnesshavingbeenbythesemeansreducedtotherequisiteebbofnervousperplexity，theexaminationwascontinuedasfollows：

Pray，Mr。Winkle，doyouremembercallingonthedefendantPickwickattheseapartmentsintheplaintiff’shouseinGoswellStreet，ononeparticularmorning，inthemonthofJulylast？

Yes，Ido。

WereyouaccompaniedonthatoccasionbyafriendofthenameofTupman，andanotherofthenameofSnodgrass？

Yes，Iwas。

Aretheyhere？

Yes，theyare，repliedMr。Winkle，lookingveryearnestlytowardsthespotwherehisfriendswerestationed。

Prayattendtome，Mr。Winkle，andnevermindyourfriends，saidMr。

Skimpin，withanotherexpressivelookatthejury。Theymusttelltheirstorieswithoutanypreviousconsultationwithyou，ifnonehasyettakenplace(anotherlookatthejury)。Now，sir，tellthegentlemenofthejurywhatyousawonenteringthedefendant’sroom，onthisparticularmorning。

Come。outwithit，sir。wemusthaveit，soonerorlater。

Thedefendant，Mr。Pickwick，washoldingtheplaintiffinhisarms，withhishandsclaspingherwaist，repliedMr。Winklewithnaturalhesitation，andtheplaintiffappearedtohavefaintedaway。

Didyouhearthedefendantsayanything？

IheardhimcallMrs。Bardellagoodcreature，andIheardhimaskhertocomposeherself，forwhatasituationitwas，ifanybodyshouldcome，orwordstothateffect。

Now，Mr。Winkle，Ihaveonlyonemorequestiontoaskyou，andIbegyoutobearinmindhislordship’scaution。WillyouundertaketoswearthatPickwick，thedefendant，didnotsayontheoccasioninquestion，`MydearMrs。Bardell，you’reagoodcreature。composeyourselftothissituation，fortothissituationyoumustcome，’orwordstothateffect？

I——Ididn’tunderstandhimso，certainly，saidMr。Winkle，astoundedatthisingeniousdove-tailingofthefewwordshehadheard，Iwasonthestaircase，andcouldn’theardistinctly。theimpressiononmymindis——

Thegentlemenofthejurywantnoneoftheimpressionsonyourmind，Mr。Winkle，whichIfearwouldbeoflittleservicetohonest，straightforwardmen，interposedMr。Skimpin。Youwereonthestaircase，anddidn’tdistinctlyhear。butyouwillnotswearthatPickwickdidnotmakeuseoftheexpressionsIhavequoted？DoIunderstandthat？

No，Iwillnot，repliedMr。Winkle。anddownsatMr。Skimpinwithatriumphantcountenance。

Mr。Pickwick’scasehadnotgoneoffinsoparticularlyhappyamanner，uptothispoint，thatitcouldverywellaffordtohaveanyadditionalsuspicioncastuponit。Butasitcouldaffordtobeplacedinaratherbetterlight，ifpossible，Mr。PhunkyroseforthepurposeofgettingsomethingimportantoutofMr。Winkleincross-examination。Whetherhedidgetanythingimportantoutofhim，willimmediatelyappear。

Ibelieve，Mr。Winkle，saidMr。Phunky，thatMr。Pickwickisnotayoungman？

Ohno，repliedMr。Winkle，oldenoughtobemyfather。

YouhavetoldmylearnedfriendthatyouhaveknownMr。Pickwickalongtime。Hadyoueveranyreasontosupposeorbelievethathewasabouttobemarried？

Ohno。certainlynot。repliedMr。Winklewithsomucheagerness，thatMr。Phunkyoughttohavegothimoutoftheboxwithallpossibledispatch。

Lawyersholdthattherearetwokindsofparticularlybadwitnesses：areluctantwitness，andatoo-willingwitness。itwasMr。Winkle’sfatetofigureinbothcharacters。

Iwillevengofurtherthanthis，Mr。Winkle，continuedMr。Phunkyinamostsmoothandcomplacentmanner。DidyoueverseeanythinginMr。

Pickwick’smannerandconducttowardstheoppositesex，toinduceyoutobelievethatheevercontemplatedmatrimonyoflateyears，inanycase？

Ohno。certainlynot，repliedMr。Winkle。

Hashisbehaviour，whenfemaleshavebeeninthecase，alwaysbeenthatofaman，who，havingattainedaprettyadvancedperiodoflife，contentwithhisownoccupationsandamusements，treatsthemonlyasafathermighthisdaughters？

Nottheleastdoubtofit，repliedMr。Winkle，inthefulnessofhisheart。Thatis——yes——ohyes——certainly。

YouhaveneverknownanythinginhisbehaviourtowardsMrs。Bardell，oranyotherfemale，intheleastdegreesuspicious？saidMr。Phunky，preparingtositdown。forSerjeantSnubbinwaswinkingathim。

N——n——no，repliedMr。Winkle，exceptononetriflingoccasion，which，Ihavenodoubt，mightbeeasilyexplained。

Now，iftheunfortunateMr。PhunkyhadsatdownwhenSerjeantSnubbinwinkedathim，orifSerjeantBuzfuzhadstoppedthisirregularcross-examinationattheoutset(whichheknewbetterthantodo。observingMr。Winkle’sanxiety，andwellknowingitwould，inallprobability，leadtosomethingserviceabletohim)，thisunfortunateadmissionwouldnothavebeenelicited。

ThemomentthewordsfellfromMr。Winkle’slips，Mr。Phunkysatdown，andSerjeantSnubbinratherhastilytoldhimhemightleavethebox，whichMr。Winklepreparedtodowithgreatreadiness，whenSerjeantBuzfuzstoppedhim。

Stay，Mr。Winkle，stay！saidSerjeantBuzfuz，willyourlordshiphavethegoodnesstoaskhim，whatthisoneinstanceofsuspiciousbehaviourtowardsfemalesonthepartofthisgentleman，whoisoldenoughtobehisfather，was？

Youhearwhatthelearnedcounselsays，sir，observedthejudge，turningtothemiserableandagonisedMr。Winkle，Describetheoccasiontowhichyourefer。

Mylord，saidMr。Winkle，tremblingwithanxiety，I——I’drathernot。

Perhapsso，saidthelittlejudge。butyoumust。

Amidtheprofoundsilenceofthewholecourt，Mr。Winklefalteredout，thatthetriflingcircumstanceofsuspicionwasMr。Pickwick’sbeingfoundinalady’ssleepingapartmentatmidnight。whichhadterminated，hebelieved，inthebreakingoffoftheprojectedmarriageoftheladyinquestion，andhadled，heknew，tothewholepartybeingforciblycarriedbeforeGeorgeNupkins，Esq。，magistrateandjusticeofthepeace，fortheboroughofIpswich！

Youmayleavethebox，sir，saidSerjeantSnubbin。Mr。Winkledidleavethebox，andrushedwithdelirioushastetotheGeorgeandVulture，wherehewasdiscoveredsomehoursafter，bythewaiter，groaninginahollowanddismalmanner，withhisheadburiedbeneaththesofacushions。

TracyTupman，andAugustusSnodgrass，wereseverallycalledintothebox。bothcorroboratedthetestimonyoftheirunhappyfriend。andeachwasdriventothevergeofdesperationbyexcessivebadgering。

SusannahSanderswasthencalled，andexaminedbySerjeantBuzfuz，andcross-examinedbySerjeantSnubbin。HadalwayssaidandbelievedthatPickwickwouldmarryMrs。Bardell。knewthatMrs。Bardell’sbeingengagedtoPickwickwasthecurrenttopicofconversationintheneighbourhood，afterthefaintinginJuly。hadbeentolditherselfbyMrs。Mudberrywhichkeptamangle，andMrs。Bunkinwhichclear-starched，butdidnotseeeitherMrs。MudberryorMrs。Bunkinincourt。HadheardPickwickaskthelittleboyhowheshouldliketohaveanotherfather。DidnotknowthatMrs。Bardellwasatthattimekeepingcompanywiththebaker，butdidknowthatthebakerwasthenasinglemanandisnowmarried。Couldn’tswearthatMrs。Bardellwasnotveryfondofthebaker，butshouldthinkthatthebakerwasnotveryfondofMrs。Bardell，orhewouldn’thavemarriedsomebodyelse。ThoughtMrs。

BardellfaintedawayonthemorninginJuly，becausePickwickaskedhertonametheday。knewthatshe(witness)faintedawaystonedeadwhenMr。

Sandersaskedhertonametheday，andbelievedthateverybodyascalledherselfaladywoulddothesame，undersimilarcircumstances。HeardPickwickasktheboythequestionaboutthemarbles，butuponheroathdidnotknowthedifferencebetweenanalleytorandacommoney。

BytheCOURT——DuringtheperiodofherkeepingcompanywithMr。Sanders，hadreceivedloveletters，likeotherladies。

InthecourseoftheircorrespondenceMr。Sandershadoftencalledheraduck，butneverchops，noryettomatosauce。Hewasparticularlyfondofducks。Perhapsifhehadbeenasfondofchopsandtomatosauce，hemighthavecalledherthat，asatermofaffection。

SerjeantBuzfuznowrosewithmoreimportancethanhehadyetexhibited，ifthatwerepossible，andvociferated：CallSamuelWeller。

ItwasquiteunnecessarytocallSamuelWeller。forSamuelWellersteppedbrisklyintotheboxtheinstanthisnamewaspronounced。andplacinghishatonthefloor，andhisarmsontherail，tookabird’s-eyeviewofthebar，andacomprehensivesurveyofthebench，witharemarkablycheerfulandlivelyaspect。

What’syourname，sir？inquiredthejudge。

SamWeller，mylord，repliedthatgentleman。

Doyouspellitwitha`V’ora`W’？inquiredthejudge。

Thatdependsuponthetasteandfancyofthespeller，mylord，repliedSam。Ineverhadoccasiontospellitmorethanonceortwiceinmylife，butIspellsitwitha`V。’

Hereavoiceinthegalleryexclaimedaloud，Quiterighttoo，Samivel，quiteright。Putitdownawe，mylord，putitdownawe。

Whoisthat，whodarestoaddressthecourt？saidthelittlejudge，lookingup。Usher。

Yes，mylord。

Bringthatpersonhereinstantly。

Yes，mylord。

Butastheusherdidn’tfindtheperson，hedidn’tbringhim。and，afteragreatcommotion，allthepeoplewhohadgotuptolookfortheculprit，satdownagain。Thelittlejudgeturnedtothewitnessassoonashisindignationwouldallowhimtospeak，andsaid，Doyouknowwhothatwas，sir？

Iraythersuspectitwasmyfather，mylord，repliedSam。

Doyouseehimherenow？saidthejudge。

No，Idon’t，mylord，repliedSam，staringrightupintothelanternintheroofofthecourt。

Ifyoucouldhavepointedhimout，Iwouldhavecommittedhiminstantly，

saidthejudge。

Sambowedhisacknowledgmentsandturned，withunimpairedcheerfulnessofcountenance，towardsSerjeantBuzfuz。

Now，Mr。Weller，saidSerjeantBuzfuz。

Now，sir，repliedSam。

IbelieveyouareintheserviceofMr。Pickwick，thedefendantinthiscase。Speakup，ifyouplease，Mr。Weller。

Imeantospeakup，sir，repliedSam。Iamintheserviceo’that’eregen’l’man，andawerygoodserviceitis。

Littletodo，andplentytoget，Isuppose？saidSerjeantBuzfuz，withjocularity。

Oh，quiteenoughtoget，sir，asthesoldiersaidventheyorderedhimthreehundredandfiftylashes，repliedSam。

Youmustnottelluswhatthesoldier，oranyotherman，said，sir，

interposedthejudge。it’snotevidence。

Werygood，mylord，repliedSam。

Doyourecollectanythingparticularhappeningonthemorningwhenyouwerefirstengagedbythedefendant。eh，Mr。Weller？saidSerjeantBuzfuz。

YesIdo，sir，repliedSam。

Havethegoodnesstotellthejurywhatitwas。

Ihadareg’larnewfitouto’clothesthatmornin’，gen’l’menofthejury，saidSam，andthatwasawerypartickleranduncommoncircumstancevithmeinthosedays。

Hereupontherewasagenerallaugh。andthelittlejudge，lookingwithanangrycountenanceoverhisdesk，said，Youhadbetterbecareful，sir。

SoMr。Pickwicksaidatthetime，mylord，repliedSam。andIwaswerycarefulo’that’eresuito’clothes。werycarefulindeed，mylord。

ThejudgelookedsternlyatSamforfulltwominutes，butSam’sfeaturesweresoperfectlycalmandserenethatthejudgesaidnothing，andmotionedSerjeantBuzfuztoproceed。

Doyoumeantotellme，Mr。Weller，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，foldinghisarmsemphatically，andturninghalf-roundtothejury，asifinmuteassurancethathewouldbotherthewitnessyet：Doyoumeantotellme，Mr。Weller，thatyousawnothingofthisfaintingonthepartoftheplaintiffinthearmsofthedefendant，whichyouhavehearddescribedbythewitnesses？

Certainlynot，repliedSam。Iwasinthepassage’tilltheycalledmeup，andthentheoldladywasnotthere。

Now，attend，Mr。Weller，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，dippingalargepenintotheinkstandbeforehim，forthepurposeoffrighteningSamwithashowoftakingdownhisanswer。Youwereinthepassage，andyetsawnothingofwhatwasgoingforward。Haveyouapairofeyes，Mr。Weller？

Yes，Ihaveapairofeyes，repliedSam，andthat’sjustit。Iftheywosapairo’patentdoublemillionmagnifyin’gasmicroscopesofhextrapower，p’rapsImightbeabletoseethroughaflighto’stairsandadealdoor。butbein’onlyeyes，yousee，mywision’slimited。