第17章

Longbeforethecloseofthisaddress，whichweareboundtosaywasofaveryprosycharacterforMr。Pickwick，theSerjeanthadrelapsedintoastateofabstraction。Aftersomeminutes，however，duringwhichhehadreassumedhispen，heappearedtobeagainawareofthepresenceofhisclients。raisinghisheadfromthepaper，hesaid，rathersnappishly，Whoiswithmeinthiscase？

Mr。Phunky，SerjeantSnubbin，repliedtheattorney。

Phunky，Phunky，saidtheSerjeant，Ineverheardthenamebefore。

Hemustbeaveryyoungman。

Yes，heisaveryyoungman，repliedtheattorney。Hewasonlycalledtheotherday。Letmesee——hehasnotbeenattheBareightyearsyet。

Ah，Ithoughtnot，saidtheSerjeant，inthatsortofpityingtoneinwhichordinaryfolkswouldspeakofaveryhelplesslittlechild。Mr。

Mallard，sendroundtoMr——Mr——

Phunky’s——HolbornCourt，Gray’sInn，interposedPerker。(HolbornCourt，bythebye，isSouthSquarenow。)Mr。Phunky，andsayIshouldbegladifhe’dstephere，amoment。

Mr。Mallarddepartedtoexecutehiscommission。andSerjeantSnubbinrelapsedintoabstractionuntilMr。Phunkyhimselfwasintroduced。

Althoughaninfantbarrister，hewasafull-grownman。Hehadaverynervousmanner，andapainfulhesitationinhisspeech。itdidnotappeartobeanaturaldefect，butseemedrathertheresultoftimidity，arisingfromtheconsciousnessofbeingkeptdownbywantofmeans，orinterest，orconnexion，orimpudence，asthecasemightbe。HewasoverawedbytheSerjeant，andprofoundlycourteoustotheattorney。

Ihavenothadthepleasureofseeingyoubefore，Mr。Phunky，saidSerjeantSnubbin，withhaughtycondescension。

Mr。Phunkybowed。HehadhadthepleasureofseeingtheSerjeant，andofenvyinghimtoo，withallapoorman’senvy，foreightyearsandaquarter。

Youarewithmeinthiscase，Iunderstand？saidtheSerjeant。

IfMr。Phunkyhadbeenarichman，hewouldhaveinstantlysentforhisclerktoremindhim：ifhehadbeenawiseone，hewouldhaveappliedhisforefingertohisforehead，andendeavouredtorecollect，whether，inthemultiplicityofhisengagementshehadundertakenthisone，ornot。

butashewasneitherrichnorwise(inthissenseatallevents)heturnedred，andbowed。

Haveyoureadthepapers，Mr。Phunky？inquiredtheSerjeant。

Hereagain，Mr。Phunkyshouldhaveprofessedtohaveforgottenallaboutthemeritsofthecase。butashehadreadsuchpapersashadbeenlaidbeforehiminthecourseoftheaction，andhadthoughtofnothingelse，wakingorsleeping，throughoutthetwomonthsduringwhichhehadbeenretainedasMr。SerjeantSnubbin’sjunior，heturnedadeeperred，andbowedagain。

ThisisMr。Pickwick，saidtheSerjeant，wavinghispeninthedirectioninwhichthatgentlemanwasstanding。

Mr。PhunkybowedtoMr。Pickwickwithareverencewhichafirstclientmusteverawaken。andagaininclinedhisheadtowardshisleader。

PerhapsyouwilltakeMr。Pickwickaway，saidtheSerjeant，and——and——and——hearanythingMr。Pickwickmaywishtocommunicate。Weshallhaveaconsultation，ofcourse。Withthishintthathehadbeeninterruptedquitelongenough，Mr。SerjeantSnubbin，whohadbeengraduallygrowingmoreandmoreabstracted，appliedhisglasstohiseyesforaninstant，bowedslightlyround，andwasoncemoredeeplyimmersedinthecasebeforehim：whicharoseoutofaninterminablelawsuit，originatingintheactofanindividual，deceasedacenturyorsoago，whohadstoppedupapathwayleadingfromsomeplacewhichnobodyevercamefrom，tosomeotherplacewhichnobodyeverwentto。

Mr。PhunkywouldnothearofpassingthroughanydooruntilMr。Pickwickandhissolicitorhadpassedthroughbeforehim，soitwassometimebeforetheygotintotheSquare。andwhentheydidreachit，theywalkedupanddown，andheldalongconference，theresultofwhichwas，thatitwasaverydifficultmattertosayhowtheverdictwouldgo。thatnobodycouldpresumetocalculateontheissueofanaction。thatitwasveryluckytheyhadpreventedtheotherpartyfromgettingSerjeantSnubbin。andothertopicsofdoubtandconsolation，commoninsuchapositionofaffairs。

Mr。Wellerwasthenrousedbyhismasterfromasweetsleepofanhour’sduration。and，biddingadieutoLowten，theyreturnedtotheCity。

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EVERDID，ABACHELOR’SPARTY，GIVENBYMR。BOBSAWYERATHISLODGINGSIN

THEBOROUGH

THEREisareposeaboutLantStreet，intheBorough，whichshedsagentlemelancholyuponthesoul。Therearealwaysagoodmanyhousestoletinthestreet：itisabye-streettoo，anditsdulnessissoothing。AhouseinLantStreetwouldnotcomewithinthedenominationofafirst-rateresidence，inthestrictacceptationoftheterm。butitisamostdesirablespotnevertheless。Ifamanwishedtoabstracthimselffromtheworld——toremovehimselffromwithinthereachoftemptation——toplacehimselfbeyondthepossibilityofanyinducementtolookoutofthewindow——heshouldbyallmeansgotoLantStreet。

Inthishappyretreatarecolonisedafewclear-starchers，asprinklingofjourneymenbookbinders，oneortwoprisonagentsfortheInsolventCourt，severalsmallhousekeeperswhoareemployedintheDocks，ahandfulofmantua-makers，andaseasoningofjobbingtailors。Themajorityoftheinhabitantseitherdirecttheirenergiestothelettingoffurnishedapartments，ordevotethemselvestothehealthfulandinvigoratingpursuitofmangling。

Thechieffeaturesinthestilllifeofthestreetaregreenshutters，lodging-bills，brassdoor-plates，andbell-handles。theprincipalspecimensofanimatednature，thepot-boy，themuffinyouth，andthebaked-potatoman。Thepopulationismigratory，usuallydisappearingonthevergeofquarter-day，andgenerallybynight。HisMajesty’srevenuesareseldomcollectedinthishappyvalley。therentsaredubious。andthewatercommunicationisveryfrequentlycutoff。

Mr。BobSawyerembellishedonesideofthefire，inhisfirst-floorfront，earlyontheeveningforwhichhehadinvitedMr。Pickwick。andMr。BenAllentheother。Thepreparationsforthereceptionofvisitorsappearedtobecompleted。Theumbrellasinthepassagehadbeenheapedintothelittlecorneroutsidetheback-parlourdoor。thebonnetandshawlofthelandlady’sservanthadbeenremovedfromthebannisters。therewerenotmorethantwopairsofpattensonthestreet-doormat，andakitchencandle，withaverylongsnuff，burntcheerfullyontheledgeofthestaircasewindow。Mr。BobSawyerhadhimselfpurchasedthespiritsatawinevaultsinHighStreet，andhadreturnedhomeprecedingthebearerthereof，toprecludethepossibilityoftheirdeliveryatthewronghouse。Thepunchwasreadymadeinaredpaninthebed-room。alittletable，coveredwithagreenbaizecloth，hadbeenborrowedfromtheparlour，toplayatcardson。andtheglassesoftheestablishment，togetherwiththosewhichhadbeenborrowedfortheoccasionfromthepublic-house，werealldrawnupinatray，whichwasdepositedonthelandingoutsidethedoor。

Notwithstandingthehighlysatisfactorynatureofallthesearrangements，therewasacloudonthecountenanceofMr。BobSawyer，ashesatbythefireside。Therewasasympathisingexpression，too，inthefeaturesofMr。BenAllen，ashegazedintentlyonthecoals。andatoneofmelancholyinhisvoice，ashesaid，afteralongsilence：

Well，itisunluckysheshouldhavetakenitinherheadtoturnsour，justonthisoccasion。Shemightatleasthavewaitedtillto-morrow。

That’shermalevolence，that’shermalevolence，returnedMr。BobSawyer，vehemently。ShesaysthatifIcanaffordtogiveapartyIoughttobeabletopayherconfounded`littlebill。’

Howlonghasitbeenrunning？inquiredMr。BenAllen。Abill，bythebye，isthemostextraordinarylocomotiveenginethatthegeniusofmaneverproduced。Itwouldkeeponrunningduringthelongestlifetime，withouteveroncestoppingofitsownaccord。

Onlyaquarter，andamonthorso，repliedMr。BobSawyer。

BenAllencoughedhopelessly，anddirectedasearchinglookbetweenthetwotopbarsofthestove。

It’llbeadeucedunpleasantthingifshetakesitintoherheadtoletout，whenthosefellowsarehere，won’tit？saidMr。BenAllenatlength。

Horrible，repliedBobSawyer，horrible。

Alowtapwasheardattheroomdoor。Mr。BobSawyerlookedexpressivelyathisfriend，andbadethetappercomein。whereuponadirtyslipshodgirlinblackcottonstockings，whomighthavepassedfortheneglecteddaughterofasuperannuateddustmaninveryreducedcircumstances，thrustinherhead，andsaid，Please，MisterSawyer，MissisRaddlewantstospeaktoyou。

BeforeMr。BobSawyercouldreturnanyanswer，thegirlsuddenlydisappearedwithajerk，asifsomebodyhadgivenheraviolentpullbehind。thismysteriousexitwasnosooneraccomplished，thantherewasanothertapatthedoor——asmartpointedtap，whichseemedtosay，HereIam，andinI’mcoming。

Mr。BobSawyerglancedathisfriendwithalookofabjectapprehension，andoncemorecriedComein。

Thepermissionwasnotatallnecessary，for，beforeMr。BobSawyerhadutteredthewords，alittlefiercewomanbouncedintotheroom，allinatremblewithpassion，andpalewithrage。

Now，Mr。Sawyer，saidthelittlefiercewoman，tryingtoappearverycalm，ifyou’llhavethekindnesstosettlethatlittlebillofmineI’llthankyou，becauseI’vegotmyrenttopaythisafternoon，andmylandlord’sawaitingbelownow。Herethelittlewomanrubbedherhands，andlookedsteadilyoverMr。BobSawyer’shead，atthewallbehindhim。

Iamverysorrytoputyoutoanyinconvenience，Mrs。Raddle，saidBobSawyer，deferentially，but——

Oh，itisn’tanyinconvenience，repliedthelittlewoman，withashrilltitter。Ididn’twantitparticularbeforetoday。leastways，asithastogotomylandlorddirectly，itwasaswellforyoutokeepitasme。

Youpromisedmethisafternoon，Mr。Sawyer，andeverygentlemanashaseverlivedhere，haskepthisword，sir，asofcourseanybodyascallshimselfagentleman，does。Mrs。Raddletossedherhead，bitherlips，rubbedherhandsharder，andlookedatthewallmoresteadilythanever。

Itwasplaintosee，asMr。BobSawyerremarkedinastyleofeasternallegoryonasubsequentoccasion，thatshewasgettingthesteamup。

Iamverysorry，Mrs。Raddle，saidBobSawyerwithallimaginablehumility，butthefactis，thatIhavebeendisappointedintheCityto-day——ExtraordinaryplacethatCity。Anastonishingnumberofmenalwaysaregettingdisappointedthere。

Well，Mr。Sawyer，saidMrs。Raddle，plantingherselffirmlyonapurplecauliflowerintheKidderminstercarpet，andwhat’sthattome，sir？

I——I——havenodoubt，Mrs。Raddle，saidBobSawyer，blinkingthislastquestion，thatbeforethemiddleofnextweekweshallbeabletosetourselvesquitesquare，andgoon，onabettersystem，afterwards。

ThiswasallMrs。Raddlewanted。ShehadbustleduptotheapartmentoftheunluckyBobSawyer，sobentupongoingintoapassion，that，inallprobability，paymentwouldhaveratherdisappointedherthanotherwise。

Shewasinexcellentorderforalittlerelaxationofthekind：havingjustexchangedafewintroductorycomplimentswithMr。R。inthefrontkitchen。

Doyousuppose，Mr。Sawyer，saidMrs。Raddle，elevatinghervoicefortheinformationoftheneighbours，doyousupposethatI’ma-goingdayafterdaytoletafellaroccupymylodgingsasneverthinksofpayinghisrent，noreventheverymoneylaidoutforthefreshbutterandlumpsugarthat’sboughtforhisbreakfast，andtheverymilkthat’stookin，atthestreetdoor？Doyousupposeahard-workingandindustriouswomanashaslivedinthisstreetfortwentyyear(tenyearovertheway，andnineyearandthreequarterinthisveryhouse)hasnothingelsetodobuttoworkherselftodeathafteraparceloflazyidlefellars，thatarealwayssmokinganddrinking，andlounging，whentheyoughttobegladtoturntheirhandstoanythingthatwouldhelp’emtopaytheirbills？

Doyou——

Mygoodsoul，interposedMr。BenjaminAllen，soothingly。

Havethegoodnesstokeepyourobservashunstoyourself，sir，Ibeg，

saidMrs。Raddle，suddenlyarrestingtherapidtorrentofherspeech，andaddressingthethirdpartywithimpressiveslownessandsolemnity。Iamnotaweer，sir，thatyouhaveanyrighttoaddressyourconversationtome。Idon’tthinkIlettheseapartmentstoyou，sir。

No，youcertainlydidnot，saidMr。BenjaminAllen。

Verygood，sir，respondedMrs。Raddle，withloftypoliteness。Thenp’raps，sir，you’llconfineyourselftobreakingthearmsandlegsofthepoorpeopleinthehospitals，andkeepyourselftoyourself，sir，ortheremaybesomepersonshereaswillmakeyou，sir。

Butyouaresuchanunreasonablewoman，remonstratedMr。BenjaminAllen。

Ibegyourparding，youngman，saidMrs。Raddle，inacoldperspirationofanger。Butwillyouhavethegoodnessjusttocallmethatagain，sir？

Ididn’tmakeuseofthewordinanyinvidioussense，ma’am，repliedMr。BenjaminAllen，growingsomewhatuneasyonhisownaccount。

Ibegyourparding，youngman，demandedMrs。Raddleinalouderandmoreimperativetone。Butwhodoyoucallawoman？Didyoumakethatremarktome，sir？

Why，blessmyheart！saidMr。BenjaminAllen。

Didyouapplythatnametome，Iaskofyou，sir？interruptedMrs。

Raddle，withintensefierceness，throwingthedoorwideopen。

Why，ofcourseIdid，repliedMr。BenjaminAllen。

Yes，ofcourseyoudid，saidMrs。Raddle，backinggraduallytothedoor，andraisinghervoicetoitsloudestpitch，forthespecialbehoofofMr。Raddleinthekitchen。Yes，ofcourseyoudid！Andeverybodyknowsthattheymaysafelyinsultmeinmyown’ousewhilemyhusbandsitssleepingdown-stairs，andtakingnomorenoticethanifIwasadoginthestreets。

Heoughttobeashamedofhimself(hereMrs。Raddlesobbed)toallowhiswifetobetreatedinthiswaybyaparcelofyoungcuttersandcarversoflivepeople’sbodies，thatdisgracesthelodgings(anothersob)，andleavingherexposedtoallmannerofabuse。abase，faint-hearted，timorouswretch，that’safraidtocomeup-stairs，andfacetheruffinlycreatures——that’safraid——that’safraidtocome！Mrs。Raddlepausedtolistenwhethertherepetitionofthetaunthadrousedherbetterhalf。and，findingthatithadnotbeensuccessful，proceededtodescendthestairswithsobsinnumerable：

whentherecamealouddoubleknockatthestreetdoor：whereuponsheburstintoanhystericalfitofweeping，accompaniedwithdismalmoans，whichwasprolongeduntiltheknockhadbeenrepeatedsixtimes，when，inanuncontrollableburstofmentalagony，shethrewdownalltheumbrellas，anddisappearedintothebackparlour，closingthedoorafterherwithanawfulcrash。

DoesMr。Sawyerlivehere？saidMr。Pickwick，whenthedoorwasopened。

Yes，saidthegirl，firstfloor。It’sthedoorstraightaforeyou，whenyougetstothetopofthestairs。Havinggiventhisinstruction，thehandmaid，whohadbeenbroughtupamongtheaboriginalinhabitantsofSouthwark，disappeared，withthecandleinherhand，downthekitchenstairs：perfectlysatisfiedthatshehaddoneeverythingthatcouldpossiblyberequiredofherunderthecircumstances。

Mr。Snodgrass，whoenteredlast，securedthestreetdoor，afterseveralineffectualefforts，byputtingupthechain。andthefriendsstumbledup-stairs，wheretheywerereceivedbyMr。BobSawyer，whohadbeenafraidtogodown，lestheshouldbewaylaidbyMrs。Raddle。

Howareyou？saidthediscomfitedstudent。Gladtoseeyou，——takecareoftheglasses。ThiscautionwasaddressedtoMr。Pickwick，whohadputhishatinthetray。

Dearme，saidMr。Pickwick，Ibegyourpardon。

Don’tmentionit，don’tmentionit，saidBobSawyer。I’mratherconfinedforroom，here，butyoumustputupwithallthat，whenyoucometoseeayoungbachelor。Walkin。You’veseenthisgentlemanbefore，Ithink？

Mr。PickwickshookhandswithMr。BenjaminAllen，andhisfriendsfollowedhisexample。Theyhadscarcelytakentheirseatswhentherewasanotherdoubleknock。

Ihopethat’sJackHopkins！saidMr。BobSawyer。Hush。Yes，itis。

Comeup，Jack。comeup。

Aheavyfootstepwashearduponthestairs，andJackHopkinspresentedhimself。Heworeablackvelvetwaist-coat，withthunder-and-lightningbuttons。andabluestripedshirt，withawhitefalsecollar。

You’relate，Jack？saidMr。BenjaminAllen。

BeendetainedatBartholomew’s，repliedHopkins。

Anythingnew？

No，nothingparticular。Ratheragoodaccidentbroughtintothecasualtyward。

Whatwasthat，sir？inquiredMr。Pickwick。

Onlyamanfallenoutofafourpairofstairs’window——butit’saveryfaircase——veryfaircaseindeed。

Doyoumeanthatthepatientisinafairwaytorecover？inquiredMr。Pickwick。

No，repliedHopkins，carelessly。No，Ishouldrathersayhewouldn’t。

Theremustbeasplendidoperationthough，to-morrow——magnificentsightifSlasherdoesit。

YouconsiderMr。Slasheragoodoperator？saidMr。Pickwick。

Bestalive，repliedHopkins。Tookaboy’slegoutofthesocketlastweek——boyatefiveapplesandaginger-breadcake——exactlytwominutesafteritwasallover，boysaidhewouldn’tlietheretobemadegameof，andhe’dtellhismotheriftheydidn’tbegin。

Dearme！saidMr。Pickwick，astonished。

Pooh！That’snothing，thatain’t，saidJackHopkins。Isit，Bob？

Nothingatall，repliedMr。BobSawyer。

Bythebye，Bob，saidHopkins，withascarcelyperceptibleglanceatMr。Pickwick’sattentiveface，wehadacuriousaccidentlastnight。

Achildwasbroughtin，whohadswallowedanecklace。

Swallowedwhat，sir？interruptedMr。Pickwick。

Anecklace，repliedJackHopkins。Notallatonce，youknow，thatwouldbetoomuch——youcouldn’tswallowthat，ifthechilddid——eh，Mr。Pickwick，ha！ha！Mr。Hopkinsappearedhighlygratifiedwithhisownpleasantry。andcontinued。No，thewaywasthis。Child’sparentswerepoorpeoplewholivedinacourt。Child’seldestsisterboughtanecklace。

commonnecklace，madeoflargeblackwoodenbeads。Child，beingfondoftoys，cribbedthenecklace，hidit，playedwithit，cutthestring，andswallowedabead。Childthoughtitcapitalfun，wentbacknextday，andswallowedanotherbead。

Blessmyheart，saidMr。Pickwick，whatadreadfulthing！Ibegyourpardon，sir。Goon。

Nextday，childswallowedtwobeads。thedayafterthat，hetreatedhimselftothree，andsoon，tillinaweek’stimehehadgotthroughthenecklace——five-and-twentybeadsinall。Thesister，whowasanindustriousgirl，andseldomtreatedherselftoabitoffinery，criedhereyesout，atthelossofthenecklace。lookedhighandlowforit。but，Ineedn’tsay，didn’tfindit。Afewdaysafterwards，thefamilywereatdinner——bakedshoulderofmutton，andpotatoesunderit——thechild，whowasn’thungry，wasplayingabouttheroom，whensuddenlytherewasheardadevilofanoise，likeasmallhailstorm。`Don’tdothat，myboy，’saidthefather。

`Iain’tadoin’nothing，’saidthechild。`Well，don’tdoitagain，’saidthefather。Therewasashortsilence，andthenthenoisebeganagain，worsethanever。`Ifyoudon’tmindwhatIsay，myboy，’saidthefather，`you’llfindyourselfinbed，insomethinglessthanapig’swhisper。’

Hegavethechildashaketomakehimobedient，andsucharattlingensuedasnobodyeverheardbefore。`Why，dam’me，it’sinthechild！’saidthefather，`he’sgotthecroupinthewrongplace！’`NoIhaven’t，father，’

saidthechild，beginningtocry，`it’sthenecklace。Iswallowedit，father。’——Thefathercaughtthechildup，andranwithhimtothehospital：thebeadsintheboy’sstomachrattlingallthewaywiththejolting。andthepeoplelookingupintheair，anddowninthecellars，toseewheretheunusualsoundcamefrom。He’sinthehospitalnow，saidJackHopkins，andhemakessuchadevilofanoisewhenhewalksabout，thatthey’reobligedtomufflehiminawatchman’scoat，forfearheshouldwakethepatients！

That’sthemostextraordinarycaseIeverheardof，saidMr。Pickwick，withanemphaticblowonthetable。

Oh，that’snothing，saidJackHopkins。isit，Bob？

Certainlynot，repliedMr。BobSawyer。

Verysingularthingsoccurinourprofession，Icanassureyou，sir，

saidHopkins。

SoIshouldbedisposedtoimagine，repliedMr。Pickwick。

Anotherknockatthedoor，announcedalarge-headedyoungmaninablackwig，whobroughtwithhimascorbuticyouthinalongstock。Thenextcomerwasagentlemaninashirtemblazonedwithpinkanchors，whowascloselyfollowedbyapaleyouthwithaplatedwatchguard。Thearrivalofaprimpersonageincleanlinenandclothbootsrenderedthepartycomplete。Thelittletablewiththegreenbaizecoverwaswheeledout。thefirstinstalmentofpunchwasbroughtin，inawhitejug。andthesucceedingthreehoursweredevotedtovingt-et-unatsixpenceadozen，whichwasonlyonceinterruptedbyaslightdisputebetweenthescorbuticyouthandthegentlemanwiththepinkanchors。inthecourseofwhich，thescorbuticyouthintimatedaburningdesiretopullthenoseofthegentlemanwiththeemblemsofhope：inreplytowhich，thatindividualexpressedhisdecidedunwillingnesstoacceptofanysauceongratuitousterms，eitherfromtheirascibleyounggentlemanwiththescorbuticcountenance，oranyotherpersonwhowasornamentedwithahead。

Whenthelastnaturalhadbeendeclared，andtheprofitandlossaccountoffishandsixpencesadjusted，tothesatisfactionofallparties，Mr。

BobSawyerrangforsupper，andthevisitorssqueezedthemselvesintocornerswhileitwasgettingready。

Itwasnotsoeasilygotreadyassomepeoplemayimagine。Firstofall，itwasnecessarytoawakenthegirl，whohadfallenasleepwithherfaceonthekitchentable。thistookalittletime，and，evenwhenshedidanswerthebell，anotherquarterofanhourwasconsumedinfruitlessendeavourstoimparttoherafaintanddistantglimmeringofreason。Themantowhomtheorderfortheoystershadbeensent，hadnotbeentoldtoopenthem。itisaverydifficultthingtoopenanoysterwithalimpknifeoratwo-prongedfork。andverylittlewasdoneinthisway。Verylittleofthebeefwasdoneeither。andtheham(whichwasalsofromtheGerman-sausageshoproundthecorner)wasinasimilarpredicament。However，therewasplentyofporterinatincan。andthecheesewentagreatway，foritwasverystrong。Souponthewhole，perhaps，thesupperwasquiteasgoodassuchmattersusuallyare。

Aftersupper，anotherjugofpunchwasputuponthetable，togetherwithapaperofcigars，andacoupleofbottlesofspirits。Then，therewasanawfulpause。andthisawfulpausewasoccasionedbyaverycommonoccurrenceinthissortofplace，butaveryembarrassingonenotwithstanding。

Thefactis，thegirlwaswashingtheglasses。Theestablishmentboastedfour。wedonotrecordthecircumstanceasatallderogatorytoMrs。Raddle，forthereneverwasalodging-houseyet，thatwasnotshortofglasses。

Thelandlady’sglasseswerelittlethinblownglasstumblers，andthosewhichhadbeenborrowedfromthepublic-houseweregreat，dropsical，bloatedarticles，eachsupportedonahugegoutyleg。Thiswouldhavebeeninitselfsufficienttohavepossessedthecompanywiththerealstateofaffairs。

buttheyoungwomanofallworkhadpreventedthepossibilityofanymisconceptionarisinginthemindofanygentlemanuponthesubject，byforciblydraggingeveryman’sglassaway，longbeforehehadfinishedhisbeer，andaudiblystating，despitethewinksandinterruptionsofMr。BobSawyer，thatitwastobeconveyeddown-stairs，andwashedforthwith。

Itisaveryillwindthatblowsnobodyanygood。Theprimmanintheclothboots，whohadbeenunsuccessfullyattemptingtomakeajokeduringthewholetimetheroundgamelasted，sawhisopportunity，andavailedhimselfofit。Theinstanttheglassesdisappeared，hecommencedalongstoryaboutagreatpubliccharacter，whosenamehehadforgotten，makingaparticularlyhappyreplytoanothereminentandillustriousindividualwhomhehadneverbeenabletoidentify。Heenlargedatsomelengthandwithgreatminutenessupondiverscollateralcircumstances，distantlyconnectedwiththeanecdoteinhand，butforthelifeofhimhecouldn’trecollectatthatprecisemomentwhattheanecdotewas，althoughhehadbeeninthehabitoftellingthestorywithgreatapplauseforthelasttenyears。

Dearme，saidtheprimmanintheclothboots，itisaveryextraordinarycircumstance。

Iamsorryyouhaveforgottenit，saidMr。BobSawyer，glancingeagerlyatthedoor，ashethoughtheheardthenoiseofglassesjingling。verysorry。

SoamI，respondedtheprimman，becauseIknowitwouldhaveaffordedsomuchamusement。Nevermind。IdaresayIshallmanagetorecollectit，inthecourseofhalf-an-hourorso。

Theprimmanarrivedatthispoint，justastheglassescameback，whenMr。BobSawyer，whohadbeenabsorbedinattentionduringthewholetime，saidheshouldverymuchliketoheartheendofit，for，sofarasitwent，itwas，withoutexception，theverybeststoryhehadeverheard。

ThesightofthetumblersrestoredBobSawyertoadegreeofequanimitywhichhehadnotpossessedsincehisinterviewwithhislandlady。Hisfacebrightenedup，andhebegantofeelquiteconvivial。

Now，Betsy，saidMr。BobSawyer，withgreatsuavity，anddispersing，atthesametime，thetumultuouslittlemobofglassesthegirlhadcollectedinthecentreofthetable：now，Betsy，thewarmwater。bebrisk，there’sagoodgirl。

Youcan’thavenowarmwater，repliedBetsy。

Nowarmwater！exclaimedMr。BobSawyer。

No，saidthegirl，withashakeoftheheadwhichexpressedamoredecidednegativethanthemostcopiouslanguagecouldhaveconveyed。MissisRaddlesaidyouwarn’ttohavenone。

Thesurprisedepictedonthecountenancesofhisguestsimpartednewcouragetothehost。

Bringupthewarmwaterinstantly——instantly！saidMr。BobSawyer，withdesperatesternness。

No。Ican’t，repliedthegirl。MissisRaddlerakedoutthekitchenfireaforeshewenttobed，andlockedupthekittle。

Oh，nevermind。nevermind。Praydon’tdisturbyourselfaboutsuchatrifle，saidMr。Pickwick，observingtheconflictofBobSawyer’spassions，asdepictedinhiscountenance，coldwaterwilldoverywell。

Oh，admirably，saidMr。BenjaminAllen。

Mylandladyissubjecttosomeslightattacksofmentalderangement，

remarkedBobSawyerwithaghastlysmile。AndIfearImustgiveherwarning。

No，don’t，saidBenAllen。

IfearImust，saidBobwithheroicfirmness。I’llpayherwhatI

oweher，andgiveherwarningto-morrowmorning。Poorfellow！howdevoutlyhewishedhecould！

Mr。BobSawyer’sheart-sickeningattemptstorallyunderthislastblow，communicatedadispiritinginfluencetothecompany，thegreaterpartofwhom，withtheviewofraisingtheirspirits，attachedthemselveswithextracordialitytothecoldbrandyandwater，thefirstperceptibleeffectsofwhichweredisplayedinarenewalofhostilitiesbetweenthescorbuticyouthandthegentlemanintheshirt。Thebelligerentsventedtheirfeelingsofmutualcontempt，forsometime，inavarietyoffrowningsandsnortings，untilatlastthescorbuticyouthfeltitnecessarytocometoamoreexplicitunderstandingonthematter。whenthefollowingclearunderstandingtookplace。

Sawyer，saidthescorbuticyouth，inaloudvoice。

Well，Noddy，repliedMr。BobSawyer。

Ishouldbeverysorry，Sawyer，saidMr。Noddy，tocreateanyunpleasantnessatanyfriend’stable，andmuchlessatyours，Sawyer——very。butImusttakethisopportunityofinformingMr。Gunterthatheisnogentleman。

AndIshouldbeverysorry，Sawyer，tocreateanydisturbanceinthestreetinwhichyoureside，saidMr。Gunter，butI’mafraidI

shallbeunderthenecessityofalarmingtheneighboursbythrowingthepersonwhohasjustspoken，outo’window。

Whatdoyoumeanbythat，sir？inquiredMr。Noddy。

WhatIsay，sir，repliedMr。Gunter。

Ishouldliketoseeyoudoit，sir，saidMr。Noddy。

Youshallfeelmedoitinhalfaminute，sir，repliedMr。

Gunter。

Irequestthatyou’llfavourmewithyourcard，sir，saidMr。Noddy。

I’lldonothingofthekind，sir，repliedMr。Gunter。

Whynot，sir？inquiredMr。Noddy。

Becauseyou’llstickitupoveryourchimney-piece，anddeludeyourvisitorsintothefalsebeliefthatagentlemanhasbeentoseeyou，sir，

repliedMr。Gunter。

Sir，afriendofmineshallwaitonyouinthemorning，saidMr。Noddy。

Sir，I’mverymuchobligedtoyouforthecaution，andI’llleaveparticulardirectionswiththeservanttolockupthespoons，repliedMr。Gunter。

Atthispointtheremainderoftheguestsinterposed，andremonstratedwithbothpartiesontheimproprietyoftheirconduct。onwhichMr。NoddybeggedtostatethathisfatherwasquiteasrespectableasMr。Gunter’sfather。towhichMr。GunterrepliedthathisfatherwastothefullasrespectableasMr。Noddy’sfather，andthathisfather’ssonwasasgoodamanasMr。Noddy，anydayintheweek。Asthisannoucementseemedthepreludetoarecommencementofthedispute，therewasanotherinterferenceonthepartofthecompany。andavastquantityoftalkingandclamouringensued，inthecourseofwhichMr。Noddygraduallyallowedhisfeelingstooverpowerhim，andprofessedthathehadeverentertainedadevotedpersonalattachmenttowardsMr。Gunter。TothisMr。Gunterrepliedthat，uponthewhole，heratherpreferredMr。Noddytohisownbrother。onhearingwhichadmission，Mr。Noddymagnanimouslyrosefromhisseat，andprofferedhishandtoMr。Gunter。Mr。Guntergraspeditwithaffectingfervour。andeverybodysaidthatthewholedisputehadbeenconductedinamannerwhichwashighlyhonourabletobothpartiesconcerned。

Now，saidJackHopkins，justtosetusgoingagain，Bob，Idon’tmindsingingasong。AndHopkins，incitedthereto，bytumultuousapplause，plungedhimselfatonceintoTheKing，Godblesshim，whichhesangasloudashecould，toanovelair，compoundedoftheBayofBiscay，andAFroghewould。Thechoruswastheessenceofthesong。and，aseachgentlemansangittothetuneheknewbest，theeffectwasverystrikingindeed。

Itwasattheendofthechorustothefirstverse，thatMr。Pickwickhelduphishandinalisteningattitude，andsaid，assoonassilencewasrestored：

Hush！Ibegyourpardon。IthoughtIheardsomebodycallingfromup-stairs。

Aprofoundsilenceimmediatelyensued。andMr。BobSawyerwasobservedtoturnpale。

IthinkIhearitnow，saidMr。Pickwick。Havethegoodnesstoopenthedoor。

Thedoorwasnosooneropenedthanalldoubtonthesubjectwasremoved。

Mr。Sawyer！Mr。Sawyer！screamedavoicefromthetwo-pairlanding。

It’smylandlady，saidBobSawyer，lookingroundhimwithgreatdismay。

Yes，Mrs。Raddle。

Whatdoyoumeanbythis，Mr。Sawyer？repliedthevoice，withgreatshrillnessandrapidityofutterance。Ain’titenoughtobeswindledoutofone’srent，andmoneylentoutofpocketbesides，andabusedandinsultedbyyourfriendsthatdarestocallthemselvesmen：withouthavingthehouseturnedoutofthewindow，andnoiseenoughmadetobringthefire-engineshere，attwoo’clockinthemorning？——Turnthemwretchesaway。

Yououghttobeashamedofyourselves，saidthevoiceofMr。Raddle，whichappearedtoproceedfrombeneathsomedistantbed-clothes。

Ashamedofthemselves！saidMrs。Raddle。Whydon’tyougodownandknock’emeveryonedown-stairs？Youwouldifyouwasaman。

IshouldifIwasadozenmen，mydear，repliedMr。Raddle，pacifically，butthey’vetheadvantageofmeinnumbers，mydear。

Ugh，youcoward！repliedMrs。Raddle，withsupremecontempt。Doyoumeantoturnthemwretchesout，ornot，Mr。Sawyer？

They’regoing，Mrs。Raddle，they’regoing，saidthemiserableBob。

Iamafraidyou’dbettergo，saidMr。BobSawyertohisfriends。Ithoughtyouweremakingtoomuchnoise。

It’saveryunfortunatething，saidtheprimman。Justasweweregettingsocomfortabletoo！Theprimmanwasjustbeginningtohaveadawningrecollectionofthestoryhehadforgotten。

It’shardlytobeborne，saidtheprimman，lookinground。Hardlytobeborne，isit？

Nottobeendured，repliedJackHopkins。let’shavetheotherverse，Bob。Come，heregoes！

No，no，Jack，don’t，interposedBobSawyer。it’sacapitalsong，butIamafraidwehadbetternothavetheotherverse。Theyareveryviolentpeople，thepeopleofthehouse。

ShallIstepup-stairs，andpitchintothelandlord？inquiredHopkins，orkeeponringingthebell，orgoandgroanonthestaircase？Youmaycommandme，Bob。

Iamverymuchindebtedtoyouforyourfriendshipandgoodnature，Hopkins，saidthewretchedMr。BobSawyer，butIthinkthebestplantoavoidanyfurtherdisputeisforustobreakupatonce。

Now，Mr。Sawyer！screamedtheshrillvoiceofMrs。Raddle，arethembrutesgoing？

They’reonlylookingfortheirhats，Mrs。Raddle，saidBob。theyaregoingdirectly。

Going！saidMrs。Raddle，thrustinghernight-capoverthebanistersjustasMr。Pickwick，followedbyMr。Tupman，emergedfromthesitting-room。

Going！whatdidtheyevercomefor？

Mydearma’am，remonstratedMr。Pickwick，lookingup。

Getalongwithyou，youoldwretch！repliedMrs。Raddle，hastilywithdrawingthenight-cap。Oldenoughtobehisgrandfather，youwillin！You’reworsethananyof’em。

Mr。Pickwickfounditinvaintoprotesthisinnocence，sohurrieddown-stairsintothestreet，whitherhewascloselyfollowedbyMr。Tupman，Mr。Winkle，andMr。Snodgrass。Mr。BenAllen，whowasdismallydepressedwithspiritsandagitation，accompaniedthemasfarasLondonBridge，andinthecourseofthewalkconfidedtoMr。Winkle，asanespeciallyeligiblepersontointrustthesecretto，thathewasresolvedtocutthethroatofanygentlemanexceptMr。BobSawyerwhoshouldaspiretotheaffectionsofhissisterArabella。Havingexpressedhisdeterminationtoperformthispainfuldutyofabrotherwithproperfirmness，heburstintotears，knockedhishatoverhiseyes，and，makingthebestofhiswayback，knockeddoubleknocksatthedooroftheBoroughMarketoffice，andtookshortnapsonthestepsalternately，untildaybreak，underthefirmimpressionthathelivedthere，andhadforgottenthekey。

Thevisitorshavingalldeparted，incompliancewiththeratherpressingrequestofMrs。Raddle，thelucklessMr。BobSawyerwasleftalone，tomeditateontheprobableeventsofto-morrow，andthepleasuresoftheevening。

[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter33[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXXIIIMR。WELLERTHEELDERDELIVERSSOMECRITICALSENTIMENTS

RESPECTINGLITERARYCOMPOSITION。AND，ASSISTEDBYHISSONSAMUEL，PAYS

ASMALLINSTALMENTOFRETALIATIONTOTHEACCOUNTOFTHEREVERENDGENTLEMAN

WITHTHEREDNOSE

THEmorningofthethirteenthofFebruary，whichthereadersofthisauthenticnarrativeknow，aswellaswedo，tohavebeenthedayimmediatelyprecedingthatwhichwasappointedforthetrialofMrs。Bardell’saction，wasabusytimeforMr。SamuelWeller，whowasperpetuallyengagedintravellingfromtheGeorgeandVulturetoMr。Perker’schambersandbackagain，fromandbetweenthehoursofnineo’clockinthemorningandtwointheafternoon，bothinclusive。Notthattherewasanythingwhatevertobedone，fortheconsultationhadtakenplace，andthecourseofproceedingtobeadopted，hadbeenfinallydeterminedon。

butMr。Pickwickbeinginamostextremestateofexcitement，perseveredinconstantlysendingsmallnotestohisattorney，merelycontainingtheinquiry，DearPerker。Isallgoingonwell？towhichMr。Perkerinvariablyforwardedthereply，DearPickwick。Aswellaspossible。thefactbeing，aswehavealreadyhinted，thattherewasnothingwhatevertogoon，eitherwellorill，untilthesittingofthecourtonthefollowingmorning。

Butpeoplewhogovoluntarilytolaw，oraretakenforciblythere，forthefirsttime，maybeallowedtolabourundersometemporaryirritationandanxiety：andSam，withadueallowanceforthefrailtiesofhumannature，obeyedallhismaster’sbehestswiththatimperturbablegoodhumourandunruffablecomposurewhichformedoneofhismoststrikingandamiablecharacteristics。

Samhadsolacedhimselfwithamostagreeablelittledinner，andwaswaitingatthebarfortheglassofwarmmixtureinwhichMr。Pickwickhadrequestedhimtodrownthefatiguesofhismorning’swalks，whenayoungboyofaboutthreefeethigh，orthereabouts，inahairycapandfustianover-alls，whosegarbbespokealaudableambitiontoattainintimetheelevationofanhostler，enteredthepassageoftheGeorgeandVulture，andlookedfirstupthestairs，andthenalongthepassage，andthenintothebar，asifinsearchofsomebodytowhomheboreacommission。

whereuponthebarmaid，conceivingitnotimprobablethatthesaidcommissionmightbedirectedtotheteaortablespoonsoftheestablishment，accostedtheboywith：

Now，youngman，whatdoyouwant？

Isthereanybodyhere，namedSam？inquiredtheyouth，inaloudvoiceoftreblequality。

What’sthet’othername？saidSamWeller，lookinground。

HowshouldIknow？brisklyrepliedtheyounggentlemanbelowthehairycap。

You’reasharpboy，youare，saidMr。Weller。onlyIwouldn’tshowthatweryfineedgetoomuch，ifIwasyou，incaseanybodytookitoff。

Whatdoyoumeanbycomin’toahot-el，andaskingarterSam，vithasmuchpolitenessasavildIndian？

’Cosanoldgen’l’m’ntoldmeto，repliedtheboy。

Whatoldgen’l’m’n？inquiredSam，withdeepdisdain。

HimasdrivesaIpswichcoach，andusesourparlour，rejoinedtheboy。Hetoldmeyesterdaymornin’tocometotheGeorgeandWulturthisarternoon，andaskforSam。

It’smyfather，mydear，saidMr。Weller，turningwithanexplanatoryairtotheyoungladyinthebar。blessedifIthinkhehardlyknowswotmyothernameis。Vell，youngbrockileysprout，wotthen？

Why，then，saidtheboy，youwastocometohimatsixo’clocktoour’ouse，’coshewantstoseeyou——BlueBoar，Leaden’allMarkit。ShallIsayyou’recomin’？

Youmaywentureonthat’erestatement，sir，repliedSam。Andthusempowered，theyounggentlemanwalkedaway，awakeningalltheechoesinGeorgeYardashedidso，withseveralchasteandextremelycorrectimitationsofadrover’swhistle，deliveredinatoneofpeculiarrichnessandvolume。

Mr。WellerhavingobtainedleaveofabsencefromMr。Pickwick，who，inhisthenstateofexcitementandworrywasbynomeansdispleasedatbeingleftalone，setforth，longbeforetheappointedhour，andhavingplentyoftimeathisdisposal，sauntereddownasfarastheMansionHouse，wherehepausedandcontemplated，withafaceofgreatcalmnessandphilosophy，thenumerouscadsanddriversofshortstageswhoassemblenearthatfamousplaceofresort，tothegreatterrorandconfusionoftheold-ladypopulationoftheserealms。Havingloiteredhere，forhalfanhourorso，Mr。Wellerturned，andbeganwendinghiswaytowardsLeadenhallMarket，throughavarietyofbyestreetsandcourts。Ashewassaunteringawayhissparetime，andstoppedtolookatalmosteveryobjectthatmethisgaze，itisbynomeanssurprisingthatMr。Wellershouldhavepausedbeforeasmallandprint-seller’swindow。butwithoutfurtherexplanationitdoesappearsurprisingthathiseyesshouldhavenosoonerrestedoncertainpictureswhichwereexposedforsaletherein，thanhegaveasuddenstart，smotehisrightlegwithgreatvehemence，andexclaimedwithenergy，Ifithadn’tbeenforthis，Ishouldha’forgotallaboutit，tillitwastoolate！

TheparticularpictureonwhichSamWeller’seyeswerefixed，ashesaidthis，wasahighlycolouredrepresentationofacoupleofhumanheartsskeweredtogetherwithanarrow，cookingbeforeacheerfulfire，whileamaleandfemalecannibalinmodernattire：thegentlemanbeingcladinabluecoatandwhitetrousers，andtheladyinadeepredpelissewithaparasolofthesame：wereapproachingthemealwithhungryeyes，upaserpentinegravelpathleadingthereunto。Adecidedlyindelicateyounggentleman，inapairofwingsandnothingelse，wasdepictedassuperintendingthecooking。arepresentationofthespireofthechurchinLanghamPlace，London，appearedinthedistance。andthewholeformedavalentine，ofwhich，asawritteninscriptioninthewindowtestified，therewasalargeassortmentwithin，whichtheshopkeeperpledgedhimselftodisposeof，tohiscountrymengenerally，atthereducedrateofoneandsixpenceeach。

Ishouldha’forgotit。Ishouldcertainlyha’forgotit！saidSam。

sosaying，heatoncesteppedintothestationer’sshop，andrequestedtobeservedwithasheetofthebestgilt-edgedletter-paper，andahard-nibbedpenwhichcouldbewarrantednottosplutter。Thesearticleshavingbeenpromptlysupplied，hewalkedondirecttowardsLeadenhallMarketatagoodroundpace，verydifferentfromhisrecentlingeringone。Lookingroundhim，hetherebeheldasignboardonwhichthepainter’sarthaddelineatedsomethingremotelyresemblingaceruleanelephantwithanaquilinenoseinlieuoftrunk。RightlyconjecturingthatthiswastheBlueBoarhimself，hesteppedintothehouse，andinquiredconcerninghisparent。

Hewon’tbeherethisthreequartersofanhourormore，saidtheyoungladywhosuperintendedthedomesticarrangementsoftheBlueBoar。

Werygood，mydear，repliedSam。Letmehaveninepenn’ortho’brandyandwaterluke，andtheinkstand，willyou，miss？

Thebrandyandwaterluke，andtheinkstand，havingbeencarriedintothelittleparlour，andtheyoungladyhavingcarefullyflatteneddownthecoalstopreventtheirblazing，andcarriedawaythepokertoprecludethepossibilityofthefirebeingstirred，withoutthefullprivityandconcurrenceoftheBlueBoarbeingfirsthadandobtained，SamWellersathimselfdowninaboxnearthestove，andpulledoutthesheetofgilt-edgedletter-paper，andthehard-nibbedpen。Thenlookingcarefullyatthepentoseethattherewerenohairsinit，anddustingdownthetable，sothattheremightbenocrumbsofbreadunderthepaper，Samtuckedupthecuffsofhiscoat，squaredhiselbows，andcomposedhimselftowrite。

Toladiesandgentlemenwhoarenotinthehabitofdevotingthemselvespracticallytothescienceofpenmanship，writingaletterisnoveryeasytask。itbeingalwaysconsiderednecessaryinsuchcasesforthewritertoreclinehisheadonhisleftarm，soastoplacehiseyesasnearlyaspossibleonalevelwiththepaper，whileglancingsidewaysatthelettersheisconstructing，toformwithhistongueimaginarycharacterstocorrespond。

Thesemotions，althoughunquestionablyofthegreatestassistancetooriginalcomposition，retardinsomedegreetheprogressofthewriter。andSamhadunconsciouslybeenafullhourandahalfwritingwordsinsmalltext，smearingoutwrongletterswithhislittlefinger，andputtinginnewoneswhichrequiredgoingoververyoftentorenderthemvisiblethroughtheoldblots，whenhewasrousedbytheopeningofthedoorandtheentranceofhisparent。

Vell，Sammy，saidthefather。

vell，myProoshanBlue，respondedtheson，layingdownhispen。What’sthelastbulletinaboutmother-in-law？

Mrs。Vellerpassedawerygoodnight，butisuncommonperwerse，andunpleasantthismornin’。Signeduponoath，T。Veller，Esquire，Senior。

That’sthelastvunaswasissued，Sammy，repliedMr。Weller，untyinghisshawl。

Nobetteryet？inquiredSam。

Allthesymptomsaggerawated，repliedMr。Weller，shakinghishead。

Butwot’sthat，you’readoingof？Pursuitofknowledgeunderdifficulties，Sammy？

I’vedonenow，saidSamwithslightembarrassment。I’vebeenawritin’。

SoIsee，repliedMr。Weller。Nottoanyyoung’ooman，Ihope，Sammy？

Why，it’snouseasayin’itain’t，repliedSam。It’sawalentine。

Awhat！exclaimedMr。Weller，apparentlyhorror-strickenbytheword。

Awalentine，repliedSam。

Samivel，Samivel，saidMr。Weller，inreproachfulaccents，Ididn’tthinkyou’dha’doneit。Arterthewarnin’you’vehado’yourfather’swiciouspropensities。arterallI’vesaidtoyouuponthisherewerysubject。

arteractiwallyseein’andbein’inthecompanyo’yourownmother-in-law，vichIshouldha’thoughtwosamorallessonasnomancouldneverha’

forgottentohisdyin’day！Ididn’tthinkyou’dha’doneit，Sammy，I

didn’tthinkyou’dha’doneit！Thesereflectionsweretoomuchforthegoodoldman。HeraisedSam’stumblertohislipsanddrankoffitscontents。

Wot’sthematternow？saidSam。

Nev’rmind，Sammy，repliedMr。Weller，it’llbeaweryagonizin’

trialtomeatmytimeoflife，butI’mprettytough，that’svunconsolation，astheweryoldturkeyremarkedwenthefarmersaidhewosafeerdheshouldbeobligedtokillhimfortheLondonmarket。

Wot’llbeatrial？inquiredSam。

Toseeyoumarried，Sammy——toseeyouadilludedwictim，andthinkin’

inyourinnocencethatit’sallwerycapital，repliedMr。Weller。It’sadreadfultrialtoafather’sfeelin’s，that’ere，Sammy。

Nonsense，saidSam。Iain’tagoin’togetmarried，don’tyoufretyourselfaboutthat。Iknowyou’reajudgeofthesethings。Orderinyourpipe，andI’llreadyoutheletter。There！

Wecannotdistinctlysaywhetheritwastheprospectofthepipe，ortheconsolatoryreflectionthatafataldispositiontogetmarriedraninthefamilyandcouldn’tbehelped，whichcalmedMr。Weller’sfeelings，andcausedhisgrieftosubside。Weshouldberatherdisposedtosaythattheresultwasattainedbycombiningthetwosourcesofconsolation，forherepeatedthesecondinalowtone，veryfrequently。ringingthebellmeanwhile，toorderinthefirst。Hethendivestedhimselfofhisuppercoat。andlightingthepipeandplacinghimselfinfrontofthefirewithhisbacktowardsit。sothathecouldfeelitsfullheat，andreclineagainstthemantelpieceatthesametime，turnedtowardsSam，and，withacountenancegreatlymollifiedbythesofteninginfluenceoftobacco，requestedhimtofireaway。

Samdippedhispenintotheinktobereadyforanycorrections，andbeganwithaverytheatricalair：

`Lovely——’

Stop，saidMr。Weller，ringingthebell。Adoubleglasso’theinwariable，mydear。

Verywell，sir，repliedthegirl。whowithgreatquicknessappeared，vanished，returned，anddisappeared。

Theyseemtoknowyourwayshere，observedSam。

Yes，repliedhisfather，I’vebeenherebefore，inmytime。Goon，Sammy。

`Lovelycreetur，’repeatedSam。

’Tain’tinpoetry，isit？interposedhisfather。

No，no，repliedSam。

Werygladtohearit，saidMr。Weller。Poetry’sunnat’ral。nomanevertalkedpoetry’ceptabeadleonboxin’day，orWarren’sblackin’，orRowland’soil，orsomeo’themlowfellows。neveryouletyourselfdowntotalkpoetry，myboy。Beginagin，Sammy。

Mr。Wellerresumedhispipewithcriticalsolemnity，andSamoncemorecommenced，andreadasfollows：

`Lovelycreeturifeelmyselfadammed’——

Thatain’tproper，saidMr。Weller，takinghispipefromhismouth。

No。itain’t`dammed，’observedSam，holdingtheletteruptothelight，it’s`shamed，’there’sablotthere——`Ifeelmyselfashamed。’

Werygood，saidMr。Weller。Goon。

`Feelmyselfashamed，andcompletelycir——’Iforgetwhatthisherewordis，saidSam，scratchinghisheadwiththepen，invainattemptstoremember。

Whydon’tyoulookatit，then？inquiredMr。WellerSoIamalookin’atit，repliedSam，buttheresanotherblot。Here’sa`c，’anda`i，’anda`d。’

Circumwented，p’raps，suggestedMr。Weller。

No，itain’tthat，saidSam，circumscribed。that’sit。

Thatain’tasgoodawordascircumwented，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，gravely。

Thinknot？saidSam。

Nothin’likeit，repliedhisfather。

Butdon’tyouthinkitmeansmore？inquiredSam。

Vellp’rapsitisamoretendererword，saidMr。Weller，afterafewmoments’reflection。Goon，Sammy。

`Feelmyselfashamedandcompletelycircumscribedinadressin’ofyou，foryouareanicegalandnothin’butit。’

That’saweryprettysentiment，saidtheelderMr。Weller，removinghispipetomakewayfortheremark。

Yes，Ithinkitisraythergood，observedSam，highlyflattered。

WotIlikeinthat’erestyleofwritin’，saidtheelderMr。Weller，is，thatthereain’tnocallin’namesinit，——noWenuses，nornothin’

o’thatkind。Wot’sthegoodo’callin’ayoung’oomanaWenusoraangel，Sammy？

Ah！what，indeed？repliedSam。

Youmightjistaswellcallheragriffin，oraunicorn，oraking’sarmsatonce，whichiswerywellknowntobeacol-lectiono’fabulousanimals，addedMr。Weller。

Justaswell，repliedSam。

Driveon，Sammy，saidMr。Weller。

Samcompliedwiththerequest，andproceededasfollows。hisfathercontinuingtosmoke，withamixedexpressionofwisdomandcomplacency，whichwasparticularlyedifying。

`AforeIseeyou，Ithoughtallwomenwasalike。’

Sotheyare，observedtheelderMr。Weller，parenthetically。

`Butnow，’continuedSam，`nowIfindwhatareg’larsoft-headed，inkred’lousturnipImustha’been。forthereain’tnobodylikeyou，thoughIlikeyoubetterthannothin’atall。’Ithoughtitbesttomakethatraytherstrong，saidSam，lookingup。

Mr。Wellernoddedapprovingly，andSamresumed。

`SoItaketheprivilidgeoftheday，Mary，mydear——asthegen’l’m’nindifficultiesdid，venhevalkedoutofaSunday，——totellyouthatthefirstandonlytimeIseeyou，yourlikenesswastookonmyhartinmuchquickertimeandbrightercoloursthaneveralikenesswastookbytheprofeelmacheen(wichp’rapsyoumayhaveheerdonMarymydear)althoitdoesfinishaportraitandputtheframeandglassoncomplete，withahookattheendtohangitupby，andallintwominutesandaquarter。’。

Iamafeerdthatwergesonthepoetical，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，dubiously。

Noitdon’t，repliedSam，readingonveryquickly，toavoidcontestingthepoint：

`ExceptofmeMarymydearasyourwalentineandthinkoverwhatI’vesaid——MydearMaryIwillnowconclude。’That’sall，saidSam。

That’sratherasuddenpullup，ain’tit，Sammy？inquiredMr。Weller。

Notabitonit，saidSam。she’llvishtherewosmore，andthat’sthegreatarto’letterwritin’。

Well，saidMr。Weller，there’ssomethin’inthat。andIwishyourmother-in-law’udonlyconductherconwersationonthesamegen-teelprinciple。

Ain’tyouagoin’tosignit？

That’sthedifficulty，saidSam。Idon’tknowwhattosignit。

Signit，Veller，saidtheoldestsurvivingproprietorofthatname。

Won’tdo，saidSam。Neversignawalentinewithyourownname。

Signit`Pickvick，’then，saidMr。Weller。it’sawerygoodname，andaeasyonetospell。

Thewerything，saidSam。Icouldendwithawerse。whatdoyouthink？

Idon’tlikeit，Sam，rejoinedMr。Weller。Ineverknow’darespectablecoachmanaswrotepoetry，’ceptone，asmadeanaffectin’copyo’wersesthenightaforehewoshungforahighwayrobbery。andhewosonlyaCambervellman，soeventhat’snorule。

ButSamwasnottobedissuadedfromthepoeticalideathathadoccurredtohim，sohesignedtheletter，Yourlove-sickPickwick。Andhavingfoldedit，inaveryintricatemanner，squeezedadown-hilldirectioninonecorner：ToMary，Housemaid，atMr。Nupkins’s，Mayor’s，Ipswich，Suffolk。

andputitintohispocket，wafered，andreadyfortheGeneralPost。Thisimportantbusinesshavingbeentransacted，Mr。Wellertheelderproceededtoopenthat，onwhichhehadsummonedhisson。

Thefirstmatterrelatestoyourgovernor，Sammy，saidMr。Weller。

He’sagoin’tobetriedto-morrow，ain’the？

Thetrial’sacomin’on，repliedSam。

Vell，saidMr。Weller，NowIs’posehe’llwanttocallsomewitnessestospeaktohischaracter，orp’rapstoproveaalleybi。I’vebeenaturnin’

thebis’nessoverinmymind，andhemaymakehis-selfeasy，Sammy。I’vegotsomefriendsas’lldoeitherforhim，butmyadwice’udbethishere——nevermindthecharacter，andsticktothealleybi。Nothinglikeaalleybi，Sammy，nothing。Mr。Wellerlookedveryprofoundashedeliveredthislegalopinion。

andburyinghisnoseinhistumbler，winkedoverthetopthereof，athisastonishedson。

Why，whatdoyoumean？saidSam。youdon’tthinkhe’sagoin’tobetriedattheOldBailey，doyou？

Thatain’tnopartofthepresentcon-sideration，Sammy，repliedMr。

Weller。Vereverhe’sagoin’tobetried，myboy，aalleybi’sthethingtogethimoff。VegotTomVildsparkoffthat’eremanslaughter，withaalleybi，venallthebigvigstoamansaidasnothingcouldn’tsavehim。

Andmy’pinionis，Sammy，thatifyourgovernordon’tproveaalleybi，he’llbewhattheItalianscallreg’larlyflummoxed，andthat’sallaboutit。

AstheelderMr。WellerentertainedafirmandunalterableconvictionthattheOldBaileywasthesupremecourtofjudicatureinthiscountry，andthatitsrulesandformsofproceedingregulatedandcontrolledthepracticeofallothercourtsofjusticewhatsoever，hetotallydisregardedtheassurancesandargumentsofhisson，tendingtoshowthatthealibiwasinadmissible。andvehementlyprotestedthatMr。Pickwickwasbeingwictimised。Findingthatitwasofnousetodiscussthematterfurther，Samchangedthesubject，andinquiredwhatthesecondtopicwas，onwhichhisreversedparentwishedtoconsulthim。

That’sapointo’domesticpolicy，Sammy，saidMr。Weller。ThishereStiggins——

Red-nosedman？inquiredSam。

Thewerysame，repliedMr。Weller。Thisherered-nosedman，Sammy，wisitsyourmother-in-lawvithakindnessandconstancyasIneverseeequalled。He’ssitchafriendo’thefamily，Sammy，thatwenhe’savayfromus，hecan’tbecomfortableunlesshehassomethin’torememberusby。

AndI’dgivehimsomethin’as’udturpentineandbees’-vaxhismemoryforthenexttenyearsorso，ifIwosyou，interposedSam。

Stopaminute，saidMr。Weller。Iwosagoingtosay，healwaysbringsnow，aflatbottleasholdsaboutapintanda-half，andfillsitviththepine-applerumaforehegoesavay。

Andemptiesitaforehecomesback，Is’pose？saidSam。

Clean！repliedMr。Weller。neverleavesnothin’initbutthecorkandthesmell。trusthimforthat，Sammy。Now，theseherefellows，myboy，areagoin’to-nighttogetupthemonthlymeetin’o’theBrickLaneBrancho’theUnitedGrandJunctionEbenezerTemperanceAssociation。Yourmother-in-lawwosagoin’，Sammy，butshe’sgottherheumatics，andcan’t。andI，Sammy——I’vegotthetwoticketsaswossenther。Mr。Wellercommunicatedthissecretwithgreatglee，andwinkedsoindefatigablyafterdoingso，thatSambegantothinkhemusthavegottheticdoloureuxinhisrighteye-lid。

Well？saidthatyounggentleman。

Well，continuedhisprogenitor，lookingroundhimverycautiously，youandI’llgo，punctiwaltothetime。Thedeputyshepherdwon’t，Sammy。

thedeputyshepherdwon’t。HereMr。Wellerwasseizedwithaparoxysmofchuckles，whichgraduallyterminatedinasnearanapproachtoachokeasanelderlygentlemancan，withsafety，sustain。

Well，Ineverseesitchanoldghostinallmyborndays，exclaimedSam，rubbingtheoldgentleman’sback，hardenoughtosethimonfirewiththefriction。Whatareyoualaughin’at，corpilence？

Hush！Sammy，saidMr。Weller，lookingroundhimwithincreasedcaution，andspeakinginawhisper：Twofriendso’mine，asworkstheOxfordRoad，andisuptoallkindso’games，hasgotthedeputyshepherdsafeintow，Sammy。andvenhedoescometotheEbenezerJunction(vichhe’ssuretodo：forthey’llseehimtothedoor，andshovehiminifnecessary)，he’llbeasfargoneinrumandwateraseverhewosattheMarkiso’Granby，Dorkin’，andthat’snotsayin’alittleneither。Andwiththis，Mr。Welleroncemorelaughedimmoderately，andoncemorerelapsedintoastateofpartialsuffocation，inconsequence。

NothingcouldhavebeenmoreinaccordancewithSamWeller’sfeelings，thantheprojectedexposureoftherealpropensitiesandqualitiesofthered-nosedman。anditbeingveryneartheappointedhourofmeeting，thefatherandsontooktheirwayatoncetoBrickLane：Samnotforgettingtodrophisletterintoageneralpost-officeastheywalkedalong。

ThemonthlymeetingsoftheBrickLaneBranchoftheUnitedGrandJunctionEbenezerTemperanceAssociation，wereheldinalargeroom，pleasantlyandairilysituatedatthetopofasafeandcommodiousladder。Thepresidentwasthestraight-walkingMr。AnthonyHumm，aconvertedfireman，nowaschoolmaster，andoccasionallyanitinerantpreacher。andthesecretarywasMr。JonasMudge，chandler’sshop-keeper，anenthusiasticanddisinterestedvessel，whosoldteatothemembers。Previoustothecommencementofbusiness，theladiessatuponforms，anddranktea，tillsuchtimeastheyconsidereditexpedienttoleaveoff。andalargewoodenmoney-boxwasconspicuouslyplaceduponthegreenbaizeclothofthebusinesstable，behindwhichthesecretarystood，andacknowledged，withagracioussmile，everyadditiontotherichveinofcopperwhichlayconcealedwithin。

Onthisparticularoccasionthewomendrankteatoamostalarmingextent。

greatlytothehorrorofMr。Wellersenior，who，utterlyregardlessofallSam’sadmonitorynudgings，staredabouthimineverydirectionwiththemostundisguisedastonishment。

Sammy，whisperedMr。Weller，ifsomeo’theseherepeopledon’twanttappin’to-morrowmornin’，Iain’tyourfather，andthat’swotitis。Why，thishereoldladynextmeisadrowndin’herselfintea。