下载辰思小说免费APP
Ihadbeenthinkingofmyfamily——ofmyfamilyintermsofMatthew——andyetwithagrowingyearningthatembracedthemall.IhadnotinformedMaudeofmyillness,andIhadmanagedtowarnTomPetersnottodoso.
IhadsimplywrittenherthatafterthecampaignIhadgoneforaresttoCalifornia;yetinherletterstome,afterthisinformationhadreachedher,Idetectedarestrainedanxietyandaffectionthattroubledme.
Sequencesofwordscuriouslyconveymeaningsandimplicationsthattranscendtheirliteralsense,truethoughtsandfeelingsaredifficulttodisguiseeveninwrittenspeech.CoulditbepossibleafterallthathadhappenedthatMaudestilllovedme?Icontinuallyputthethoughtawayfromme,butcontinuallyitreturnedtohauntme.SupposeMaudecouldnothelplovingme,inspiteofmyweaknessesandfaults,evenasI
lovedNancyinspiteofhers?Loveisnologicalthing.
ItwasMatthewIwanted,MatthewofwhomIthought,andtrivial,long-
forgottenincidentsofthepastkeptrecurringtomeconstantly.Istillreceivedhisweeklyletters;buthedidnotaskwhy,sinceIhadtakenavacation,Ihadnotcomeovertothem.Herepresentedthemedium,thelinkbetweenMaudeandmethatnoestrangement,noseparationcouldbreak.
Allthisnewvisionofminewasforhim,forthecominggeneration,thesoilinwhichitmustbesown,theAmericansofthefuture.AndwhosowellasMatthew,sensitiveyetbrave,wouldrespondtoit?IwishednotonlytogivehimwhatIhadbeguntograsp,tostudywithhim,tobehiscompanionandfriend,buttosparehim,ifpossible,someofmyownmistakesandsufferingsandpunishments.ButcouldIgoback?HappycoincidencesofdesiresandconvictionshadbeensocharacteristicofthatotherselfIhadbeenstrugglingtocastoff:Ihadsoeasilybeenpersuaded,whenIhadhadachanceofgettingNancy,thatitwastherightthingtodo!Andnow,inmyloneliness,wasInotgrowingjustaseagertobeconvincedthatitwasmydutytogobacktothefamilywhichinthehourofself-sufficiencyIhadcastoff?Ihadbelievedindivorcethen——whynotnow?Well,Istillbelievedinit.IhadthoughtofaunionwithNancyassomethingthatwouldbringaboutthe"self-
realizationthatspringsfromthegratificationofagreatpassion,"——anappealingphraseIhadreadsomewhere.But,itwasatleastafavourablesymptomthatIwaswillingnowtoconfessthatthe"self-realization"hadbeenasecondaryandsentimentalconsideration,arosy,self-createdhalotogiveamoralandreligioussanctiontomydesire.WasInottryingtodothatverythingnow?Ittorturedmetothinkso;Istrovetoachieveadetachedconsiderationoftheproblem,——toarriveatlengthatathoughtthatseemedilluminating:thattheitwrongness"or"rightness,"
utilityandhappinessofallsuchunionsdependuponwhetherornottheybecomeapartofthewoofandwarpofthesocialfabric;inotherwords,whetherthegratificationofanyparticularlovebydivorceandremarriagedoesordoesnottendtodestroyaportionofthatfabric.
Nancycertainlywouldhavebeenjustifiedindivorce.ItdidnotseemintheretrospectthatIwouldhavebeen:surelynotif,afterIhadmarriedNancy,Ihaddevelopedthisviewoflifethatseemedtometobethetrueview.Ishouldhavebeenpowerlesstoactuponit.ButthechanceswereIshouldnothavedevelopedit,sinceitwouldseemthatanysalvationformeatleastmustcomepreciselythroughsuffering,throughnotgettingwhatIwanted.Wasthisequivocating?
MymistakehadbeeninmarryingMaudeinsteadofNancy——amistakelargelyduetomysaturationwithafalseideaoflife.Wouldnottheattempttocutloosefromtheconsequencesofthatmistakeinmyindividualcasehavebeenfutile?Buttherewasaremedyforit——theremedyKrebshadsuggested:Imightstillpreventmychildrenfrommakingsuchamistake,ImighthelptocreateinthemwhatImighthavebeen,andthusfindasolutionformyself.Myerrorswouldthenassumeavalue.
Butthequestiontorturedme:wouldMaudewishit?Woulditbefairtoherifshedidnot?BymylongneglectIhadforfeitedtherighttogo.
Andwouldsheagreewithmypointofviewifshedidpermitmetostay?
Ihadlessconcernonthisscore,afeelingthatthatdevelopmentofhers,whichoncehadirritatedme,wasinthesamedirectionasmyown
Ihavestillstrangelytorecordmomentswhen,inspiteoftheaspirationsIhadachieved,oftheredeemingvisionIhadgained,atthethoughtofreturningtoherIrevolted.AtsuchtimesrecollectionscameintomymindofthosecharacteristicsinherthathadseemedmostresponsibleformyalienationThatdemonIhadfedsomightilystilllived.Bywhatright——heseemedtoask——hadInourishedhimalltheseyearsifnowImeanttostarvehim?Thussometimeshedefiedme,tookonProteanguises,blustered,insinuated,cajoled,managedtomakemebelievethattostarvehimwouldbetostarvemyself,tosapalltherewasofpowerinme.LetmetryandseeifIcoulddoit!Againhewhispered,towhatpurposehadIgainedmyliberty,ifnowIrenouncedit?Icouldnotliveinfetters,eventhou
