第40章

Butnow——nowIwasinanemotionalstatethatdistortedthefactorsoflife,allthosethingsIhithertohadvalued;evensuchaprizeasthisI

weighedintermsofonesupremedesire:howwouldtheacceptanceofthesenatorshipaffecttheaccomplishmentofthisdesire?Thatwasthequestion.Ibeganmakingrapidcalculations:theactualelectionwouldtakeplaceinthelegislatureayearfromthefollowingJanuary;providedIwereabletoovercomeNancy\'sresistance——whichIwasdeterminedtodo——

nothinginthewayofdivorceproceedingscouldbethoughtofformorethanayear;andIfeareddelay.Ontheotherhand,ifwewaiteduntilafterIhadbeendulyelectedtogetmydivorceandmarryNancymychancesofreelectionwouldbesmall.WhatdidIcareforthesenatorshipanyway——ifIhadher?andIwantedhernow,assoonasI

couldgether.She——alifewithherrepresentednewvalues,newvaluesI

didnotdefine,thatmadeallIhadstrivenforinthepastoflittleworth.ThiswasabaublecomparedwiththecompanionshipofthewomanI

loved,thewomanintendedforme,whowouldgivemepeaceofmindandsoulanddevelopthosetrueraspirationsthathadlongbeenthwartedandstarvedforlackofher.Gradually,assheregainedtheascendencyovermymindsheordinarilyheld——andfromwhichshehadbeentemporarilydisplacedbythearrivalofMr.Watling\'sletterandthetalkinthebank——Ibecameimpatientandirritatedbytheintrusion.ButwhatanswershouldIgivetoDickinsonandGorse?whatexcusefordecliningsuchanoffer?Idecided,asmaybeimagined,towait,totemporize.

Theironyofcircumstances——ofwhatmighthavebeen——preventednowmylayingthistrophyatNancy\'sfeet,forIknewIhadonlytomentionthemattertobecertainoflosingher.

XXIII.

Ihadboughtasmallautomobile,whichIranmyself,anditwasmycustomtoarriveatthefarmeveryeveningaboutfiveo\'clock.ButasIlookbackuponthosedaystheyseemtohavelostsuccession,tobefusedtogether,asitwere,intooneindeterminableperiodbytheintensepressureofemotion;unsatisfiedemotion,——andthestateofphysicalandmentaldisorganizationsetupbyitisintheretrospectnotalittleterrifying.Theworldgrewmoreandmoredistorted,itsaffairswereneglected,thingsuponwhichIhadsethighvaluesbecameasnothing.

AndevenifIcouldsummonbacksomethingofthesequenceofourintercourse,itwouldbeamererepetition——growingonmypartmoreirrationalandinsistent——ofwhatIhavealreadyrelated.Therewerelong,troubled,andfutilesilenceswhenwesattogetherontheporchorinthewoodsandfields;whenIwonderedwhetheritwereweaknessorstrengththatcausedNancytoholdoutagainstmyimportunities:thefearssheprofessedofretribution,thebenumbingeffectsoftheconventionalyears,orthedeep-rootedremnantsofaCalvinismwhich——assheproclaimed——hadlostdefiniteexpressiontopersistasanintuition.

Irecallsomethingshesaidwhensheturnedtomeafteroneofthesesilences.

"DoyouknowhowIfeelsometimes?asthoughyouandIhadwanderedtogetherintoastrangecountry,andlostourway.Wehavelostourway,Hugh——it\'sallsoclandestine,sofeverish,sounnatural,sounrelatedtolife,thisexistencewe\'releading.Ibelieveitwouldbebetterifitwereamerecaseofphysicalpassion.Ican\'thelpit,"shewenton,whenIhadexclaimedagainstthis,"wearetoo——toocomplicated,youaretoocomplicated.It\'sbecausewewantthemorningstars,don\'tyousee?"

Shewoundherfingerstightlyaroundmine."Wenotonlywantthis,butalloflifebesides——youwouldn\'tbesatisfiedwithanythingless.Oh,I

knowit.That\'syourtemperament,youweremadethatway,andI

shouldn\'tbesatisfiedifyouweren\'t.ThetimewouldcomewhenyouwouldblamemeIdon\'tmeanvulgarly——andIcouldn\'tstandthat.Ifyouweren\'tthatway,ifthatweren\'tyournature,Imean,Ishouldhavegivenwaylongago."

Imadesomesortofdesperateprotest.

"No,ifIdidn\'tknowyousowellIbelieveIshouldhavegiveninlongago.I\'mnotthinkingofyoualone,butofmyself,too.I\'mafraidI

shouldn\'tbehappy,thatIshouldbegintothink——andthenIcouldn\'tstop.Theplaintruth,asI\'vetoldyouoverandoveragain,isthatI\'mnotbigenough."Shecontinuedsmilingatme,asmileonwhichIcouldnotbeartolook."Iwaswrongnottohavegoneaway,"Iheardhersay.

"Iwillgoaway."

Iwas,atthetime,tooprofoundlydiscouragedtoanswer

Oneeveningafteranexhaustingtalkwesat,inert,onthegrasshummockbesidethestream.Heavycloudshadgatheredinthesky,thelighthaddeepenedtoamethyst,thevalleywasstill,swooningwithexpectancy,louderandlouderthethunderrolledfrombehindthedistanthills,andpresentlyaveildescendedtohidethemfromourview.Greatdropsbegantofall,unheeded.

"Wemustgoin,"saidNancy,atlength.

Ifollowedheracrossthefieldandthroughtheorchard.Fromtheporchwestoodgazingoutatthewhiteningrainthatblottedallsavethenearerlandscape,andthesmellofwet,midsummergrasseswillalwaysbeassociatedwiththepoignancyofthatmomentAtdinner,betweentheintervalsofsilence,ourtalkwasoftrivialthings.Wemadeamerepretenceofeating,andIrememberhavingmyattentionarrestedbythesightofastrange,pityingexpressiononthefaceofMrs.Olsen,whowaitedonus.Beforethatthewomanhadbeentomeamereministeringautomaton.Butshemusthavehadideasandopinions,thistransportedSwedishpeasantPresently,havingclearedthetable,sheretired

Thetwilightdeepenedtodusk,todarkness.Thestorm,havingspenttheintensityofitspassioninthosefirstmomentsofheavydownpourandwind,hadrelaxedtoagentlerainthatpatteredontheroof,andfromthestreamcamerecurringlythedirgeofthefr