第5章

contrasthimwiththoseofhissuccessorswhomIwastoknowlater!

ButIshallnotanticipate.Americangeniushadnotthenevolvedthefalseentrymethodofovercapitalization.Athrillinghistory,Mr.

Durrett\'s,couldIbuthaveenteredintoit.Ididnotreflectthenthatthissternoldmanmusthavethrobbedonce;nay,fireandenergystillremainedinhisbowels,elsehecouldnothavecontinuedtodominateacity.Nordiditoccurtomethatthegreatsteel-worksthatlightedthesouthernskyweretheresultofapassion,ofdreamssimilartothosepossessingme,butwhichIcouldnotexpress.Hehadfoundedafamilywhosepositionwasvirtuallyhereditary,gainedricheswhichforthosedaysweregreat,compelledmentospeakhisnamewithacertainawe.Butofwhatuseweresuchrichesashiswhenhisreligionandmoralitycompelledhimtobanishfromhimallthejoysinthepowerofrichestobring?

No,Ididn\'twanttobeaniron-master.ButitmayhavebeenaboutthistimethatIbegantobeimpressedwiththepowerofwealth,theadulationandreverenceitcommanded,theimportanceinwhichitclothedallwhosharedinit

TheprivateschoolIattendedinthecompanyofotherboyswithwhomI

wasbroughtupwascalledDensmoreAcademy,alarge,squarebuildingofathenhideousmodernity,builtofsmooth,orange-redbrickswiththreadsofblackmortarbetweenthem.Onereadsofhappyschooldays,yetIfailtorecallanyreallyhappyhoursspentthere,evenintheyard,whichwascoveredwithblackcindersthatcutyouwhenyoufell.Ithinkofitasapenitentiary,andthememoryofthebarredlowerwindowsgivessubstancetothisimpression.

IsupposeIlearnedsomethingduringthesevenyearsofmyincarceration.

Allofvalue,haditsteachersknownanythingofyouthfulpsychology,ofnaturalbent,couldhavebeenputintomeinthree.Atleastfourcriminallywastedyears,tosaynothingofthebenumbinganddesiccatingeffectofthatoldsystemofeducation!Chalkandchalk-dust!TheMediterraneanatintedportionofthemap,Italyaman\'sbootwhichI

drewpainfully,withmanyyawns;historynogloriousepicrevealingasitunrollstheMeaningofThings,norevelationofthatwondrousdistillationoftheSpiritofman,butanendlessmarchingandcounter-

marchingupanddownthemap,wearycolumnsoffigurestobelearnedbyroteinstantlytobeforgottenagain."OnJunethe7thGeneralSo-and-soproceededwithhiswholearmy——"where?Whatdoesitmatter?OnelittlechapterofCarlyle,illuminatedbyateacherofunderstanding,wereworthamillionsuchtext-books.Alas,forthehatredofVirgil!"Paret"(ashiver),"beginattheonehundredandthirtiethlineandtranslate!"I

canhearmyselfdroningoutindetestableEnglishameaninglessportionofthatendlessjourneyofthepiousAEneas;canseeGeneHollister,withheart-rendingglancesofdespair,stumblingthroughCorneliusNeposinanunventilatedroomwithchalk-rubbedblackboardsandheavyodoursofinkandstalelunch.AndIgraduatedfromDensmoreAcademy,thebestschoolinourcity,inthe80\'s,withouthavingbeentaughteventherudimentsofcitizenship.

Knowledgewaspresentedtousasacorpse,whichbitbybitwepainfullydissected.Weneverglimpsedtheliving,growingthing,neverexperiencedtheSpirit,thesamespiritthatwasablemagicallytowaftmefromawintryLymeStreettotheSouthSeas,theenergizing,electrifyingSpiritoftrueachievement,oflife,ofGodhimself.Littlebylittleitsflamesweresmothereduntilinmanhoodthereseemednosparkofitleftalive.Manyyearsweretopassereitwastoreviveagain,asbyamiracle.Itravelled.Awakeningatdawn,Isaw,framedinaport-hole,rose-redSeriphossetinalivingbluethatpaledthesapphire;theseasUlysseshadsailed,andthecompanyoftheArgonauts.

Mysoulwassteepedinunimaginedcolour,andinthememoryofonerapturousinstantisgatheredwhatIwassoontoseeofGreece,isfocussedthemeaningofhistory,poetryandart.IwastostandoneeveninginspringonthemoundwhereheroessleepandgazeupontheplainofMarathonbetweendarkeningmountainsandthebluethreadofthestraitpeacefulnow,flushedwithpinkandwhiteblossomsoffruitandalmondtrees;tositonthecliff-thronewhenceaPersianKinghadlookeddownuponaSalamisfoughtandlostInthatport-holeglimpseaThemistocleswasrevealed,aSocrates,aHomerandaPhidias,anAEschylus,andaPericles;yes,andaJohnbroodingRevelationsonhissea-girtrockastwilightfallsoverthewaters

IsawtheRomanEmpire,thatScarletWomanwhosesandsweredyedcrimsonwithbloodtoappeaseherharlotry,whoseshipswereladenwithtreasuresfromtheimmutableEast,grainfromthevalleyoftheNile,spicesfromArabia,preciouspurplestuffsfromTyre,tributeandspoil,slavesandjewelsfromconquerednationssheabsorbed;andyetwhoseveryemperorsweretheunconsciousinstrumentsofaProgresstheywotnotof,preservedtotheWestbyMarathonandSalamis.WithCaesar\'slegionsitsmessagewentforthacrossHispaniatothecliffsofthewildwesternocean,throughHercynianforeststotribesthatdweltwheregreatriversrolluptheirbarsbymisty,northernseas,andeventoCelticfastnessesbeyondtheWall

IV.

InandoutofmyearlymemorieslikeadancingrayofsunlightflitsthespiritofNancy.Iwasalwaysfondofher,butinextremeyouthI

acceptedherincensewithmasculinecomplacencyandtookherallegianceforgranted,neverseekingtofathomthenatureofthespellIexercisedoverher.Naturallyotherchildrenteasedmeabouther;butwhatwasworse,withthatcharminglackofself-consciousnessandconsiderationforwhatinafterlifearecalledthefinerfeelings,theyteasedheraboutmebeforeme,mypresencedeterringthemnotatall.IcanseethemhoppingaroundherinthePetersyardcryingout:——

"Nancy\'sinlovewithHugh!Nancy\'sinlovewithHugh!"

Asufficientlythrillingpastime,this,forNancycouldtakecareofherself.Iwasabunglerbesideherwhenitcametoretaliation,andnottheleastofherattractionsformewashercapacityforanger:furywouldbeabetterterm.Shewouldflyatthem——evenassheflewatthehead-hunterswhenthePetrelwasmenaced;andshecouldrunlikeadeer.

Woetotheunfortunatevictimsheovertook!Masculinestrength,exercisedapologetically,availedbutlittle,andIhaveseenRussellPetersandGeneHollisterretirefromsuchencountershumiliatedandweeping.ShenevercaughtRalph;hismethodsoftortureweremoreintelligentandsubtlethanGene\'sandRussell\'s,butshewashisequalwhenitcametoaquestionoftongues.

"Iknowwhat\'sthematterwithyou,RalphHambleton,"shewouldsay.

"You\'rejealous."Anaccusationthatinvariablyputhimonthedefensive."Youthinkallthegirlsareinlovewithyou,don\'tyou?"

ThesescenesIfoundsomewhatembarrassing.NotsoNancy.Afterdiscomfitinghertormenters,orwoundingandscatteringthem,shewouldreturntomysideInspiteofherfranklyexpressedpreferenceformeshehadanelusivenessthatmadeacontinualappealtomyimagination.

Shewasneverobviousorcommonplace,andlongbeforeIbegantoexperiencethediscomfortsandsufferingsofyouthfulloveIwasfascinatedbyanatureeloquentwithcontradictionsandinconsistencies.

Shewasatomboy,yetherownsexwasenhancedratherthanoverwhelmedbycontactwiththeother:andnomatterhowmanytreessheclimbedsheneverseemedtoloseherdaintiness.Itwasinnate.

Shecould,attimes,besurprisinglydemure.Theseimpressionsofherdaintinessanddemurenessareparticularlyvividinapicturemymemoryhasretainedofourwalkingtogether,unattended,toSusanBlackwood\'sbirthdayparty.Shemusthavebeenabouttwelveyearsold.ItwasthefirsttimeIhadescortedheroranyothergirltoaparty;Mrs.Willetthadsmiledovertheproceeding,butNancyandItookitmostseriously,assymbolicofthingstocome.IcanseePowellStreet,whereNancylived,atfouro\'clockonamildandcloudyDecemberafternoon,thedecorous,retiringhouses,NancyononesideofthepavementbytheironfencesandIontheotherbythetreeboxes.Ican\'trememberherdress,onlytheexquisitesenseofherslimnessanddaintinesscomesbacktome,ofherdarkhairinalongbraidtiedwitharedribbon,ofherslenderlegscladinblackstockingsofshiningsilk.Wefelttheoccasiontobesomehowtoosignificant,tooeloquentforwords

InsilenceweclimbedtheflightofstonestepsthatleduptotheBlackwoodmansion,whensuddenlythedoorwasopened,lettingoutsoundsofmusicandrevelry.Mr.Blackwood\'scolouredbutler,Ned,beamedatushospitably,invitingustoenterthebrightnesswithin.Theshadesweredrawn,thecarpetswerecoveredwithfestalcanvas,thefoldingdoorsbetweenthesquareroomswereflungback,theprismsofthebigchandeliersflungtheirlightoveranimatedgroupsofmatronsandchildren.Mrs.Watling,themotheroftheWatlingtwins——tooyoungtobepresentwasdirectingwithvivacitythegameof"KingWilliamwasKingJames\'sson,"andMrs.McAlerywasplayingthepiano.

NowchooseyouEast,nowchooseyouWest,Nowchoosetheoneyoulovethebest!"

TomPeters,inavelvetsuitandconsequentlyverymiserable,refusedtoembraceEthelHollister;whilethescornfulJulialurkedinacorner:

nothingwouldinducehertoentersuchafoolishgame.IexperiencedanoveldiscomfiturewhenRalphkissedNancyAfterwardscamethefeast,fromwhichHamDurrett,inapinkpapercapwithstreamers,wasatlengthforciblyremovedbyhismother.Thusearlydidhebetrayhisloveforthefleshpots

ItwasnotuntilIwassixteenthataplayercameandtouchedthekeysofmysoul,anditawoke,bewildered,atthesefirsttendernotes.Themusicquickened,trippinginecstasy,tochangebysubtlephrasesintothemesofexquisitesufferinghithertounexperienced.IknewthatI

lovedNancy.

Withtheadventoflongerdressesthatreachedtohershoetopsachangehadcomeoverher.Thetomboy,thewillingcamp-followerwholovedmeandwasunashamed,weregoneforever,andamysterious,transfiguredbeing,neithergirlnorwoman,hadmagicallybeenevolved.Coulditbepossiblethatshelovedmestill?Mycomplacencyhadvanished;suddenlyIhadbecometheaggressor,ifonlyIhadknownhowto"aggress";butinherpresenceIwasseizedbyanaccursedshynessthatparalyzedmytongue,andthethingsIhadplannedtosaywereleftunuttered.Itwassomething——thoughIdidnotrealizeit——tobeabletofeellikethat.

ThetimecamewhenIcouldnolongerkeepthisthingtomyself.Theneedofanoutlet,ofaconfidant,becameimperative,andIsoughtoutTomPeters.ItwasinFebruary;IrememberbecauseIhadventured——withincredibledaring——tosendNancyanelaborate,rosyValentine;writtenonthebackofitinahandwritingalltoothinlydisguisedwasthefollowingverse,thetriumphantresultofmuchhardthinkinginschoolhours:——

ShouldyouofthisthesenderguessWithoutanothersign,Wouldyourepent,andrestcontentTobehisValentineIgrewhotandcoldbyturnswhenIthoughtofitspossibleeffectsonmychances.

Oneofthoseuseless,slushyafternoons,ItookTomforawalkthatledus,asduskcameon,pastNancy\'shouse.OnlybypainfuldegreesdidI

succeedinovercomingmybashfulness;butTom,whenatlastIhadblurtedoutthesecret,wasmostsympathetic,althoughtheailmentfromwhichI

sufferedwasasyetoutsideoftherealmofhisexperience.Ihaveusedtheword"ailment"advisedly,sinceheevidentlyputmytroubleinthesamecategorywithdiphtheriaorscarletfever,remarkingthatitwas"darnedhardluck."InvainIsoughttoexplainthatIdidnotregarditassuchintheleast;therewassuffering,Iadmitted,butadegreeofblissnonecouldcomprehendwhohadnotfeltit.Herefusedtobeenvious,oratleasttobetrayenvy;yethewascurious,askingmanyquestions,andIhadreasontothinkbeforewepartedthathisadmirationformewasincreased.Wasitpossiblethathe,too,didn\'tloveNancy?

No,itwasfunny,buthedidn\'t.Hefailedtoseemuchingirls:histoneremainedcommiserating,yethebegantotakeaninterestintheprogressofmysuit.

ForatimeIhadnoprogresstoreport.OutofconsiderationforthosemembersofourweeklydancingclasswhoseparentswereEpiscopaliansthemeetingswerediscontinuedduringLent,andtocallwouldhavedemandedacouragenotinme;IshouldhavebecomeanobjectofridiculeamongmyfriendsandIwouldhavediedratherthanfaceNancy\'smotherandthemembersofherhousehold.Isetaboutmakingingeniousplanswithaviewtoencountersthatmightappearcasual.Nancy\'sschoolwasdismissedattwo,sowasmine.BywalkingfastIcouldreachSalisburyStreet,nearSt.Mary\'sSeminaryforYoungLadies,intimetocatchher,buteventhenformanydaysIwasdoomedtodisappointment.Shewaseitherincompanywithothergirls,orelseshehadtakenanotherroute;thisIsurmisedledpastSophyMcAlery\'shouse,andIenlistedTomasaconfederate.HewastomakestraightfortheMcAlery\'sonElmwhileIfollowedPowell,twoshortblocksaway,andifNancywenttoSophy\'sandlefttherealonehewastoannouncethefactbyapreconcertedsignal.Throughlongandpersistentpracticehehadacquiredawhistleshrillenoughtowakethedead,accomplishedbyplacingafingerofeachhandbetweenhisteeth;——agiftthatwastheenvyofhisacquaintances,andthesubjectofmuchdiscussionastowhetherhisteethwerepeculiar.Tominsistedthattheywere;itwasanaddeddistinction.

OnthisoccasionhecameupbehindNancyasshewasleavingSophy\'sgateandimmediatelysoundedthealarm.Sheleapedintheair,droppedherschool-booksandwhirledonhim.

"TomPeters!Howdareyoufrightenmeso!"shecried.

Tomregardedherinsuddendismay.

"I——Ididn\'tmeanto,"hesaid."Ididn\'tthinkyouweresonear."

"Butyoumusthaveseenme."

"Iwasn\'tpayingmuchattention,"heequivocated,——aremarknotcalculatedtoappeaseheranger.

"Whywereyoudoingit?"

"Iwasjustpractising,"saidTom.

"Practising!"exclaimedNancy,scornfully."Ishouldn\'tthinkyouneededtopractisethatanymore."

"Oh,I\'vedoneitlouder,"hedeclared,"Listen!"

Sheseizedhishands,snatchingthemawayfromhislips.AtthiscriticalmomentIappearedaroundthecornerconsiderablyoutofbreath,myheartbeatinglikeawatchman\'srattle.Itriedtofeignnonchalance.

"Hello,Tom,"Isaid."Hello,Nancy.What\'sthematter?"

"It\'sTom——hefrightenedmeoutofmysenses."Droppinghiswrists,shegavemeamostdisconcertinglook;therewasinitthesuspicionofasmile."Whatareyoudoinghere,Hugh?"

"IheardTom,"Iexplained.

"Ishouldthinkyoumighthave.Wherewereyou?"

"Overinanotherstreet,"Ianswered,withdeliberatevagueness.Nancyhadsuddenlybecomedemure.Ididnotdarelookather,butIhadamostuncomfortablenotionthatshesuspectedtheplot.Meanwhilewehadbeguntowalkalong,allthreeofus,Tom,obviouslyillateaseanddiscomfited,laggingalittlebehind.JustbeforewereachedthecornerImanagedtokickhim.Hisdeparturewasbynomeansgraceful.

"I\'vegottogo;"heannouncedabruptly,andturneddownthesidestreet.

Wewatchedhissturdyfigureasitreceded.

"Well,ofallqueerboys!"saidNancy,andwewalkedonagain.

"He\'smybestfriend,"Irepliedwarmly.

"Hedoesn\'tseemtocaremuchforyourcompany,"saidNancy.

"Oh,theyhavedinnerathalfpasttwo,"Iexplained.

"Aren\'tyouafraidofmissingyours,Hugh?"sheaskedwickedly.

"I\'vegottime.I\'d——I\'dratherbewithyou."AftermakingwhichaudaciousremarkIwasseizedbyaspasmofapprehension.Butnothinghappened.Nancyremaineddemure.Shedidn\'tremindmethatIhadreflecteduponTom.

"That\'sniceofyou,Hugh."

"Oh,I\'mnotsayingitbecauseit\'snice,"Ifaltered."I\'dratherbewithyouthan——withanybody."

Thiswasindeedtheacmeofdaring.Icouldn\'tbelieveIhadactuallysaidit.ButagainIreceivednorebuke;insteadcamearemarkthatsetmepalpitating,thatItreasuredformanyweekstocome.

"Igotaverynicevalentine,"sheinformedme.

"Whatwasitlike?"Iaskedthickly.

"Oh,beautiful!Allpinklaceand——andCupids,andthepictureofayoungmanandayoungwomaninagarden."

"Wasthatall?"

"Oh,no,therewasaverse,intheoddesthandwriting.Iwonderwhosentit?"

"PerhapsRalph,"Ihazardedecstatically.