第10章

"Well,"sherepliedinalifelesstone,whichneverthelesshadinitatouchofbitterness,"Iguessthere\'snoreasonwhyyouandyourfriendsshouldhaveknownhewassick."

"Sick!"Irepeated."Isheverysick?"

"Icalculatehe\'llpullthrough,"shesaid."Sundaythedoctorgavehimup.Andnowonder!Hehasn\'thadanyproperfoodsincehe\'sbe\'nhere!"

Shepaused,eyeingme."Ifyou\'llexcuseme,Mr.Paret,Iwasjustgoinguptohimwhenyourang."

"Certainly,"Irepliedawkwardly."Wouldyoubesokindastotellhim——

whenhe\'swellenough——thatIcametoseehim,andthatI\'msorry?"

Therewasanotherpause,andshestoodwithahanddefensivelyclutchingtheknob.

"Yes,I\'lltellhim,"shesaid.

Withasenseofhavingbeenbaffled,Iturnedaway.

WalkingbacktowardtheYardmyattentionwasattractedbyaslowlyapproachingcabwhoseoccupantsweredisturbingthequietofthenightwithsong.

Shollity——\'tiswine,\'tiswine,Thatmakesh——shollity."

Thevehicledrewupinfrontofanewandcommodiousbuilding,——Ibelievethefirstofthosedesignedtohouseundergraduateswhowerewillingtopayforprivatebathroomsandothermodernluxuries;outofonewindowofthecabprotrudedapairofshoelessfeet,outoftheotherahatlessheadIrecognizedasbelongingtoTomPeters;henceIsurmisedthatthefeetwerehisalso.Thedrivergotdownfromthebox,andalivelyargumentwasbeguninside——fortherewereotheroccupants——astohowMr.

Peterswastobedisembarked;andIgatheredfromhisfrequentreferencestothe"Shgyptianobelisk"thattheengineeringproblempresentedstruckhimassimilartotheunloadingofCleopatra\'sNeedle.

"Careful,careful!"hecautioned,ascertainexpellingmovementsbeganfromwithin,"Easy,Ham,youjam-fool,keepthedoorshut,y\'llbreakme."

"Now,Jerry,allheavesh\'gether!"exclaimedavoicefromtheblacknessoftheinterior.

"Willyewaitaminute,Mr.Durrett,sir?"imploredthecabdriver.

"You\'llbeafterruiningmecabentirely."(Loudroarsandvigorousresistancefromtheobelisk,thecabrockingviolently.)"Thisgintleman"

(meaningme)"willhavehimbythehead,andI\'llgetholdofhisfeet,sir."Whichhedid,afteraseverekickinthestomach.

"Head\'shallright,Martin."

"Tobesureitis,Mr.Peters.Nowwillyerestaisyawhile,sir?"

"I\'maxphyxiated,"criedanothervoicefromthedarkness,theminedvoiceofJeromeKyme,ourclassmate.

"Getthetacklesunderhim!"cameforthincommandingtonesfromConybear.

Inthemeantimemanywindowshadbeenraisedandmuchgratuitousadvicewasbeinggiven.Thethreeoccupantsofthecab\'sseatwhohadpreviouslyclamouredforMr.Peters\'removal,nowinconsistentlyresistedit;suddenlyhecameoutwithajerk,andwehadhimfairlyuprightonthepavementminusacollarandtieandthebuttonsofhiseveningwaistcoat.Thosewhoremainedinthecabengagedinariotousgameofhunttheslipper,whileTompeeredintothedarkinterior,observinggravelytheprogressofthesport.Firstflewoutanovercoatandamuch-batteredhat,finallythepumps,allofwhichinduetimewereadjustedtohisperson,andIstartedhomewithhim,withmuchpartingcounselfromtheotherthree.

"Whereinellwereyou,Hughie?"heinquired."Huntedalloverforyou.

Hadasousin\'goodtime.WenttoBabcock\'s——hadchampagne——thentoseeBabeshin——th\'——Woods.HamknowsoneoftheBabeshhadsupperwithfourof\'em.NiceBabesh!"

"Forheaven\'ssakedon\'tsteponmeagain!"Icried.

"Sh\'poloshize,oldman.Buty\'knowI\'mWilliamShakespheare.C\'ndowhatIdamplease."Hehaltedinthemiddleofthestreetandreciteddramatically:——

"\'Notmarble,north\'gildedmonumentsOfprinchessh\'lloutlivem\'powerfulrhyme.\'"

"How\'sthat,Alonzho,b\'gosh?"

"Wheredidyoulearnit?"Idemanded,momentarilyforgettinghiscondition.

"Fr\'mRalph,"hereplied,"saysIwroteit.Can\'tremember"

AfterIhadgothimtobed,——aserviceIhadlearnedtoperformwithmoreorlessproficiency,——Isatdowntoconsidertheeventsoftheevening,toattempttogetaproportionalview.TheintensityofmydisgustwasnothypocriticalasIgazedthroughtheopendoorintothebedroomandrecalledthetimeswhenI,too,hadbeeninthatcondition.TomPetersdrunk,andsleepingitoff,wasdeplorable,withoutdoubt;butHughParetdrunkwasdetestable,andhadnoexcusewhatever.NordidImeanbythistosetmyselfonahigherethicalplane,forIfeltnothingbutdespairandhumility.InmystateofclairvoyanceIperceivedthathewasabetterman,thanI,andthathislapsesproceededfromaloveofliquorandthetranscendentsenseofgood-fellowshipthatliquorbrings.

VII.

ThecrisisthroughwhichIpassedatCambridge,inauguratedbytheeventsIhavejustrelated,Ifindverydifficulttoportray.Itwasareligiouscrisis,ofcourse,andmymostpatheticmemoryconcerningitisofthevainattemptstoconnectmyyearningsanddiscontentswiththetheologyIhadbeentaught;IbeganinsecrettoreadmyBible,yetnothingIhituponseemedtopointawayoutofmypresentpredicament,togiveanydefiniteclewtothesolutionofmylife.IwasnotmatureenoughtoreflectthatorthodoxywasaSundayreligionunrelatedtoaworldwhosewheelswereturnedbythemotivesofself-interest;thatitconsistedofidealsnotdeemedpractical,sincenoattemptwasmadetoputthemintopracticeintheonlylogicalmanner,——byreorganizingcivilizationtoconformwiththem.TheimplicationwasthattheChristwhohadpreachedtheseidealswasnotpracticalTherewereundoubtedlymeninthefacultyoftheUniversitywhomighthavehelpedmehadIknownofthem;whomighthavegivenme,evenatthattime,aclewtothemodern,logicalexplanationoftheBibleasanimmortalrecordofthethoughtsandactsofmenwhohadsoughttodojustwhatIwasseekingtodo,——connectthereligiousimpulsetolifeandmakeitfruitfulinlife:anexplanation,bytheway,athousand-foldmorespiritualthantheold.ButIwashopelesslyentangledinthemeshesofthemystic,themiraculousandsupernatural.IfIhadanalyzedmyyearnings,ImighthaverealizedthatIwantedtorenouncethelifeIhadbeenleading,notbecauseitwassinful,butbecauseitwasaimless.IhadnotlearnedthattheGreekwordforsinis"amissingofthemark."Justaimlessness!Ihadbeenstirredwiththedesiretoperformsomeserviceforwhichtheworldwouldbegrateful:towritegreatliterature,perchance.Butithadneverbeensuggestedtomethatsuchswellingsofthesoularereligious,thatreligionisthatkindoffeeling,ofmotivepowerthatdrivesthewriterandthescientist,thestatesmanandthesculptoraswellasthepriestandtheProphettoservemankindforthejoyofserving:thatreligioniscreative,oritisnothing:notmechanical,notaforceimposedfromwithout,butadrivingpowerwithin.

The"religion"Ihadlearnedwassalvationfromsinbymiracle:sinadeliberaterebellion,notapatheticmissingofthemarkoflife;usefulserviceofman,notthewanderingofuntutoredsoulswhohadnotbeenshowntheway.Ifeltreligious.Iwantedtogotochurch,Iwantedtomaintain,whenitwasonme,thatexaltationIdimlyfeltascommunionwithahigherpower,withGod,andwhichalsowasidenticalwithmydesiretowrite,tocreate

Iboughtbooks,setsofWordsworthandKeats,ofMiltonandShelleyandShakespeare,andhidthemawayinmybureaudrawerslestTomandmyfriendsshouldseethem.ThesetooIreadsecretly,makingexcusesfornotjoiningintheusualamusements.OnceIwalkedtoMrs.Bolton\'sandinquiredrathershamefacedlyforHermannKrebs,onlytobeinformedthathehadgoneoutTherewerelapses,ofcourse,whenIwentoffontheoldexcursions,——forthemostparttheusualundergraduatefollies,thoughsomewereofamoreseriousnature;ontheseIdonotcaretodwell.SexwasstillamysteryAlwaysIawokeafterwardstobitterself-hatredanddespairButmyworkinEnglishimproved,andI

earnedthecommendationandfriendshipofMr.Cheyne.WithawisdomforwhichIwasgratefulhewascarefulnottogivemuchsignofitinclasses,butthefactthathewas"gettingsoftonme"wasevidentenoughtoberegardedwithsuspicion.IndeedthestateintowhichIhadfallenbecameamatterofincreasingconcerntomycompanions,whotriedeverymeansfromridiculetosympathy,todiscoveritscauseandshakemeoutofit.ThetheorymostacceptedwasthatIwasinlove.

"Comeonnow,Hughie——tellmewhosheis.Iwon\'tgiveyouaway,"Tomwouldbeg.Onceortwice,indeed,IhadimaginedIwasinlovewiththesistersofBostonclassmateswhosedancesIattended;tothesepartiesTom,nothavingovercomehisdiffidenceinrespecttowhathecalled"sociallife,"nevercouldbeinducedtogo.

ItwasRalphwhodetectedthetruecauseofmydiscontent.TypicalasnoothermanIcanrecallofthecodetowhichwehaddedicatedourselves,thecodethatmouldedtheimportantpartoftheundergraduateworldanddefiedauthority,heregardedanydefectionfromitinthelightoftreason.Aninstructor,inafitofimpatience,hadoncereferredtohimastheMephistophelesofhisclass;hehadfatalattractions,andaremarkableinfluence.Hisfavouritepastimewasthecapriciousexerciseofhiswillonweakercharacters,suchashiscousin,HamDurrett;ifthey"sworeoff,"Ralphmadeithisbusinesstogetthemdrunkagain,andhavingaccomplishedthiswouldproceedhimselftoadministeranewoathandseethatitwaskept.Alcoholseemedtohavenoeffectwhateveronhim.Thoughhewasintheclassaboveme,ImethimfrequentlyataclubtowhichIhadthehonourtobelong,thenasuiteofroomsoverashopfurnishedwithapoolandabilliardtable,easy-chairsandabar.Ithassinceachievedthedignityofahouseofitsown.

Wewerehaving,oneevening,a"religious"argument,Cinibar,Laurensandmyselfandsomeothers.Ican\'trecallhowitbegan;IthinkCinibarhadattackedtheinstitutionofcompulsorychapel,whichnobodydefended;

therewassomethinginherentlywrong,hemaintained,withareligiontowhichmenhadtobedrivenagainsttheirwills.SomewhattomysurpriseIfoundmyselfdefendingaChristianityoutofwhichIhadbeenabletoextractbutlittlecomfortandsolace.NeitherLaurensnorConybear,however,wereforannihilatingit:althoughtheytooktheothersideofthediscussionofasubjectofwhichnoneofusknewanything,theirattackswerebuthalf-hearted;likeme,theywerestillunderthespellexertedbyayouthfultraining.

WewereallofusawareofRalph,whosatatsomedistancelookingoverthepagesofanEnglishsportingweekly.Presentlyheflungitdown.

"Haven\'tyoufoundoutyetthatmancreatedGod,Hughie?"heinquired.

"AndeveniftherewereapersonalGod,whatreasonhaveyoutothinkthatmanwouldbehisespecialconcern,oranyconcernofhiswhatever?

ThediscoveryofevolutionhasknockedyourChristianityintoacockedhat."

Idon\'trememberhowIansweredhim.Inspiteofthesuperficialityofhisownarguments,whichIwasnotlearnedenoughtodetect,Iwasingloriouslyrouted.Darwinhadkickedoverthebucket,andthatwasalltherewastoitAfterwehadlefttheclubbothConybearandLaurensadmittedtheyweresomewhatdisturbed,declaringthatRalphhadgonetoofar.Ispentamiserablenight,recallingthenaturalisticassertionshehadmadesoglibly,askingmyselfagainandagainhowitwasthatthereligiontowhichIsovainlyclunghadnogreatereffectonmyactionsandonmywill,hadnotpreventedmefromlapsesintodegradation.AndI

hatedmyselfforhavingargueduponasubjectthatwasstillsacred.I

believedinChrist,whichistosaythatIbelievedthatinsomeinscrutablemannerheexisted,continuedtodominatetheworldandhadsufferedonmyaccount.

TowhomshouldIgonowforaconfirmationofmywaveringbeliefs?Oneoftheresults——itwillberememberedofreligionasIwastaughtitwasaperniciousshyness,andeventhoughIhadfoundamentorandconfessor,Imighthavehesitatedtounburdenmyself.ThiswouldbedifferentfromarguingwithRalphHambleton.Inmypredicament,asIwaswanderingthroughtheyard,IcameacrossanoticeofaneveningtalktostudentsinHolderChapel,byaclergymannamedPhillipsBrooks.Thiswasbeforethetime,letmesayinpassing,whenhissermonsatHarvardwereattendedbycrowdsofundergraduates.Well,Istoodstaringatthenotice,debatingwhetherIshouldgo,tryingtoscrewupmycourage;forIrecognizedclearlythatsuchastep,ifitweretobeofanyvalue,mustmeanadistinctdeparturefrommypresentmodeoflife;andIrecallthinkingwithacertainrevulsionthatIshouldhaveto"turngood."Mypresenceatthemeetingwouldbeknownthenextdaytoallmyfriends,fortheideaofattendingareligiousgatheringwhenonewasnotforcedtodosobytheauthoritieswasunheardofinourset.Ishouldbeclassedwiththedespised"piousones"whodidsuchthingsregularly.I

shrankfromtheridicule.Ihad,however,heardofMr.BrooksfromNedSymonds,whowasbynomeansofthepioustype,andwhoseparentsattendedMr.Brooks\'schurchinBostonIleftmydecisioninabeyance.ButwheneveningcameIstoleawayfromtheclubtable,onthepleaofanengagement,andmademywayrapidlytowardHolderChapel.I

hadalmostreachedit——whenIcaughtaglimpseofSymondsandofsomeothersapproaching,——andIwenton,toturnagain.Bythistimethemeeting,whichwasinaroomonthesecondfloor,hadalreadybegun.

Palpitating,Iclimbedthesteps;thedooroftheroomwasslightlyajar;

Ilookedin;Irecalladistinctsensationofsurprise,——theatmosphereofthatmeetingwassodifferentfromwhatIhadexpected.Nota"pious"

atmosphereatall!Isawaverytallandheavygentleman,dressedinblack,whosat,whollyatease,onthetable!Onehandwasinhispocket,onefootswungclearoftheground;andhewasnotpreaching,buttalkinginaneasy,conversationaltonetosomefortyyoungmenwhosatintentonhiswords.Iwastooexcitedtolistentowhathewassaying,Iwasmakingavainattempttoclassifyhim.ButIrememberthethought,foritstruckmewithforce,——thatifChristianityweresothoroughlydiscreditedbyevolution,asRalphHambletonandotheragnosticswouldhaveonebelieve,whyshouldthisremarkablysaneandable-lookingpersonbestandingupforitasthoughitwerestillanestablishedandincontrovertiblefact?

Hehadnot,certainly,theairofadupeorasentimentalist,butinspiredconfidencebyhisverypersonality.Youthlike,Iwatchedhimnarrowlyforflaws,fororatoricaltricks,forallkindsofhistrionicsymptoms.AgainIwasnearthesecret;againitescapedme.TheargumentforChristianitylaynotinassertionsaboutit,butinbeingit.ThismanwasChristianityImusthavefeltsomethingofthis,eventhoughIfailedtoformulateit.AndunconsciouslyIcontrastedhisstrength,whichreinforcedtheatmosphereoftheroom,withthatofRalphHambleton,whowas,agreaterinfluenceovermethanIhaverecorded,andhadcometoswaymemoreandmore,ashehadswayedothers.Thestrengthofeachwasimpressive,yetthisMr.BrooksseemedtomethebodilypresentmentofasetofvalueswhichIwouldhavekeptconstantlybeforemyeyesIfelthimdrawingme,overcomingmyhesitation,belittlingmyfearofridicule.Ibegangentlytoopenthedoor——whensomethinghappened,——oneofthoselittlethingsthatmaychangethecourseofalife.Thedoormadelittlenoise,yetoneofthemensittinginthebackoftheroomchancedtolookaround,andIrecognizedHermannKrebs.Hisfacewasstillsunkenfromhisrecentillness.Intohiseyesseemedtoleapasuddenappeal,anappealtowhichmysoulrespondedyetIhurrieddownthestairsandintothestreet.InstantlyIregrettedmyretreat,I

wouldhavegoneback,butlackedthecourage;andIstrayedunhappilyforhours,nowhauntedbythatlookofKrebs,nowwonderingwhattheremarkablysane-lookingandinformalclergymanwhosepresencedominatedthelittleroomhadbeentalkingabout.Ineverlearned,butIdidlivetoreadhisbiography,todiscoverwhathemighthavetalkedabout,——forheifanymanbelievedthatlifeandreligionareone,andpreachedconsecrationtolife\'stask.

Oflittleusetospeculatewhetherthemessage,hadIlearneditthen,wouldhavefortifiedandtransformedme!

InspiteofthefactthatIwasunabletorelatetoasatisfyingconceptionofreligionmynew-borndetermination,Imadeupmymind,atleast,torenouncemytortuousways.Ihadpromisedmyfathertobealawyer;Iwouldkeepmypromise,Iwouldgivethelawafairtrial;lateron,perhaps,Imightdemonstrateanabilitytowrite.Allverypraiseworthy!TheseasonwasLent,afittingtimeforrenunciationsandresolves.AlthoughIhadmorethanoncefallenfromgrace,Ibelievedmyselfatlasttohavesettleddownonmytruecourse——whensomethinghappened.Thedevilinterferedsubtly,asusual——nowinthepersonofJerryKyme.ItshouldbesaidinjusticetoJerrythathedidnotlookthepart.Hehadsunny-red,curlyhair,mischievousblueeyeswithlonglashes,andheharbourednorespectwhateverforanyindividualorinstitution,sacredorprofane;hepossessed,however,ashrewdsenseofhisownvalue,asmanyinnocentandunsuspectingsoulsdiscoveredasearlyasourfreshmanyear,andhismethodofputtingdownthepresumptuouswasbotheffectiveandunique.Ifhelikedyou,therecouldbenomistakeaboutit.

OneeveningwhenIwasengagedincomposingathemeforMr.CheyneonnolessasubjectthantheinterpretationoftheworkofWilliamWordsworth,Ifoundmyselfunexpectedlysprawlingonthefloor,inmydescentkickingthetablesovigorouslyastosendtheink-wellafootortwotowardtheceiling.This,beitknown,wasatypicalproofofJerry\'sesteem.Forhehadenterednoiselessly,jerkingthebackofmychair,whichchancedtobetilted,andstoodwithhishandsinhispockets,surveyingtheruinhehadwrought,watchingtheinkasittrickledonthecarpet.Thenhepickedupthebook.

"Poetry,youdarnedoldgrind!"heexclaimeddisgustedly."Say,Parry,I

don\'tknowwhat\'sgotintoyou,butIwantyoutocomehomewithmefortheEasterholidays.It\'lldoyougood.We\'llbeontheHudson,youknow,andwe\'llmanagetomakelifebearablesomehow."

Iforgotmyirritation,insheersurprise.

"Why,that\'smightygoodofyou,Jerry——"Ibegan,strugglingtomyfeet.

"Oh,rot!"heexclaimed."Ishouldn\'taskyouifIdidn\'twantyou."

Therewasnodenyingthetruthofthis,andafterhehadgoneIsatforalongtimewithmypeninmymouth,reflectingastowhetherornotI

shouldgo.ForIhadtheinstinctthatherewasanothercross-roads,thatmoredependedonmydecisionthanIcaredtoadmit.ButeventhenI

knewwhatIshoulddo.Ridiculousnotto——Itoldmyself.HowcouldaweekortendayswithJerrypossiblyaffectmynewborn,resolve?

Yettheprospect,now,ofavisittotheKymes\'wasbynomeanssoglowingasitoncewouldhavebeen.ForIhadseenvisions,Ihaddreameddreams,beheldadelectablecountryofmyveryown.Ayearago——

nay,evenamonthago——howsuchaninvitationwouldhaveglittered!I

returnedatlengthtomytheme,overwhich,beforeJerry\'sarrival,Ihadbeenworkingfeverishly.Butnowtheglamourhadgonefromit.

PresentlyTomcamein.

"Anyonebeenhere?"hedemanded.

"Jerry,"Itoldhim.

"Whatdidhewant?"

"HewantedmetogohomewithhimatEaster."

"You\'regoing,ofcourse."

"Idon\'tknow.Ihaven\'tdecided."

"You\'dbeafoolnotto,"wasTom\'scomment.Itvoiced,succinctly,aprevailingopinion.

ItwastheconclusionIarrivedatinmyownmind.ButjustwhyIhadbeenchosenforthehonour,especiallyatsuchatime,wasariddle.

Jerry\'sinvitationswerecharilygiven,andvaluedaccordingly;andmorethanonce,atourtable,IhadfeltatwingeofenvywhenConybearorsomeoneelsehadremarked,withthepropernonchalance,inanswertoaquestion,thattheyweregoingtoWeathersfield.SuchwasthenameoftheKymeplace

Ishallneverforgettheimpressionmadeonmebythedecorousluxuryofthatbighouse,standingamidstitsoldtrees,halfwayupthegentleslopethatrosesteadilyfromthehistorichighwaywherepoorAndrewascaptured.Icanseenowtheheavystonepillarsofitsporticovignettedinaflushoftenderestgreen,thetulipsjustbeginningtoflameforththeirEastercoloursinthewell-keptbeds,thestately,well-groomedevergreens,thevividlawns,theclippedhedges.Andlikeanoverwhelmingwaveofemotionthatsweptallbeforeit,theimpressivenessofwealthtookpossessionofme.ForherewasakindofwealthIhadneverknown,thatdidnotexistintheWest,noreveninthestillPuritanenvironsofBostonwhereIhadvisited.Ittookitselfforgranted,proclaimeditselfcomplacentlytohavesolvedallproblems.Byignoringthem,perhaps.ButIwastooyoungtoguessthis.Itwasorderpersonified,gainingeffectateveryturnbyamultitudeofdetailstootrivialtomentionwereitnotforthefactthattheyentereddeeplyintomyconsciousness,untiltheycametorepresent,collectively,theveryflowerofachievement.Itwasawealththatacceptedtributecalmly,asofinherentright.Lawandtraditiondefendeditssanctitymoreeffectivelythantroops.Literaturedescendedfromherhighaltartolenditdignity;andthelong,silentlibrarydisplayedrowuponrowofthemasters,appropriatelycladinmoroccoorcalf,——Smollett,Macaulay,Gibbon,Richardson,Fielding,Scott,Dickens,IrvingandThackeray,asthougheachhadstrivenforatablethere.Arthaddeniedherselfthathercanvasesmightbehungonthesewalls;andeventheChurch,onthatfirstSundayofmyvisit,forgotthebloodofhermartyrsthatshemightadornanappropriatenicheinthesetting.Theclergyman,atoneofthedinnerparties,gravelyaskedablessingasuponanInstitutionthatincludedandabsorbedallotherinstitutionsinitsbeing

Thenoteofthathousewasatemperedgaiety.GuestsarrivedfromNewYork,spentthenightanddepartedagainwithoutdisturbingtheeventenorofitsways.Unobtrusiveservantsministeredtotheirwants,——andtomine

Conybearwasthere,andtwoclassmatesfromBoston,andweweretreatedwiththeamiabletoleranceaccordedtocollegeyouthsandintimatesofthesonofthehouse.Onenighttherewasadanceinourhonour.NorhaveIforgottenJerry\'ssister,Nathalie,whomIhadmetatClassDays,aslimandwillowy,exoticyoungladyoftheBotticellitype,withacrownofburnishedhair,yetmoresuggestiveofahothousethanofspring.ShespokeEnglishwithaFrenchaccent.Capricious,impulsive,shecapturedmyinterestbecausesheputahighvalueonherfavour;shedrovemeoverthehills,informingmeatlengththatIwassympathique