下载辰思小说免费APP
"ToEurope!"Iexclaimed.Thesignificanceoftheannouncementfailedatoncetoregisterinmybrain,butIwasawareofashock.
"Yes."
"When?"Iasked.
"Rightaway.Theendofthismonth."
"Forthesummer?"
"Ihaven\'tdecidedhowlongIshallstay."
Istaredatherinbewilderment.IncontrasttotheagitationIfeltrisingwithinme,shewasextraordinarilycalm,unbelievablyso.
"ButwheredoyouintendtogoinEurope?"
"IshallgotoLondonforamonthorso,andafterthattosomequietplaceinFrance,probablyatthesea,wherethechildrencanlearnFrenchandGerman.Afterthat,Ihavenoplans."
"But——youtalkasifyoumightstayindefinitely."
"Ihaven\'tdecided,"sherepeated.
"Butwhy——whyareyoudoingthis?"
IwouldhaverecalledthewordsassoonasIhadspokenthem.Therewastheslightestunsteadinessinhervoiceasshereplied:——
"Isitnecessarytogointothat,Hugh?Wouldn\'titbeuselessaswellasalittlepainful?Surely,goingtoEuropewithoutone\'shusbandisnotanunusualthinginthesedays.LetitjustbeunderstoodthatI
wanttogo,thatthechildrenhavearrivedatanagewhenitwilldothemgood."
Igotupandbegantowalkupanddowntheroom,whileshewatchedmewithasilentcalmwhichwasincomprehensible.InvainIsummonedmyfacultiestomeetit.
Ihadnotthoughthercapableofsuchinitiative.
"Ican\'tseewhyyouwanttoleaveme,"Isaidatlast,thoughwithafullsenseoftheinadequacyoftheremark,andasuspicionofitshypocrisy.
"Thatisn\'tquitetrue,"sheanswered."Inthefirstplace,youdon\'tneedme.Iamnotoftheslightestuseinyourlife,Ihaven\'tbeenafactorinitforyears.Yououghtnevertohavemarriedme,——itwasallaterriblemistake.Ibegantorealizethatafterwehadbeenmarriedafewmonths——evenwhenwewereonourweddingtrip.ButIwastooinexperienced——perhapstooweaktoacknowledgeittomyself.InthelastfewyearsIhavecometoseeitplainly.IshouldhavebeenafoolifI
hadn\'t.Iamnotyourwifeinanyrealsenseoftheword,Icannotholdyou,Icannoteveninterestyou.It\'sasituationthatnowomanwithself-respectcanendure."
"Aren\'tthoserathermodernsentiments,foryou,Maude?"Isaid.
Sheflushedalittle,butotherwiseretainedherremarkablecomposure.
"Idon\'tcarewhethertheyare\'modern\'ornot,Ionlyknowthatmypositionhasbecomeimpossible."
Iwalkedtotheotherendoftheroom,andstoodfacingthecarefullydrawncurtainsofthewindows;fantastically,theyseemedtorepresenttheimpassetowhichmymindhadcome.Didsheintend,ultimately,togetadivorce?Idarednotaskher.Thewordranghorriblyinmyears,thoughunpronounced;andIknewthenthatIlackedhercourage,andtheknowledgewaspartofmyagony.
Iturned.
"Don\'tyouthinkyou\'veoverdrawnthings,Maudeexaggeratedthem?Nomarriagesareperfect.You\'veletyourminddwelluntilithasbecomeinflamedonmatterswhichreallydon\'tamounttomuch."
"Iwasneversaner,Hugh,"sherepliedinstantly.AndindeedIwasforcedtoconfessthatshelookedit.ThatnewMaudeIhadseenemergingoflateyearsseemednowtohavefoundherself;shewasnolongerthewomanIhadmarried,——yielding,willingtooverlook,anxioustoplease,livinginme.
"Idon\'tinfluenceyou,orhelpyouinanyway.Ineverhave."
"Oh,that\'snottrue,"Iprotested.
Butshecutmeshort,goingoninexorably:——
"Iammerelyyourhousekeeper,andratherapooroneatthat,fromyourpointofview.Youignoreme.Iamnotblamingyouforit——youaremadethatway.It\'struethatyouhavealwayssupportedmeinluxury,——thatmighthavebeenenoughforanotherwoman.Itisn\'tenoughforme——I,too,havealifetolive,asoultoberesponsiblefor.It\'snotformysakesomuchasforthechildren\'sthatIdon\'twantittobecrushed."
"Crushed!"Irepeated.
"Yes.Youarestiflingit.IsayagainthatI\'mnotblamingyou,Hugh.
Youaremadedifferentlyfromme.Allyoucarefor,really,isyourcareer.Youmaythinkthatyoucare,attimes,for——otherthings,butitisn\'tso."
Itook,involuntarily,adeepbreath.WouldshementionNancy?WasitinrealityNancywhohadbroughtaboutthiscrisis?AnddidMaudesuspecttheclosenessofthatrelationship?
SuddenlyIfoundmyselfbegginghernottogo;themoreastonishingsince,ifatanytimeduringthepastwinterthissolutionhadpresenteditselftomeasapossibility,Ishouldeagerlyhavewelcomedit!ButshouldIeverhavehadthecouragetoproposeaseparation?Ievenwishedtodeludemyselfnowintobelievingthatwhatshesuggestedwasinrealitynotaseparation.IpreferredtothinkofitasatripA
visionoffreedomthrilledme,andyetIwaswrackedandtorn.Ihadanideathatshewassuffering,thattheordealwasaterribleoneforher;
andatthatmomenttherecrowdedintomymind,meltingme,incidentafterincidentofourpast.
"Itseemstomethatwehavegotalongprettywelltogether,Maude.I
havebeennegligent——I\'lladmitit.ButI\'lltrytodobetterinthefuture.And——ifyou\'llwaitamonthorso,I\'llgotoEuropewithyou,andwe\'llhaveagoodtime."
Shelookedatmesadly,——pityingly,Ithought.
"No,Hugh,I\'vethoughtitallout.Youreallydon\'twantme.Youonlysaythisbecauseyouaresorryforme,becauseyoudisliketohaveyourfeelingswrung.Youneedn\'tbesorryforme,Ishallbemuchhappierawayfromyou."
"Thinkitover,Maude,"Ipleaded."Ishallmissyouandthechildren.
Ihaven\'tpaidmuchattentiontothem,either,butIamfondofthem,anddependuponthem,too."
Sheshookherhead.
"It\'snouse,Hugh.ItellyouI\'vethoughtitallout.Youdon\'tcareforthechildren,youwerenevermeanttohaveany."
"Aren\'tyouratherseve
