下载辰思小说免费APP
Sheconsideredthis.
"Yes,itissurprising,"sheadmitted,"butit\'strue.Iwassorryforhim,butIadmiredhim.Iwasnotonlyimpressedbyhiscourageintakingchargeofme,butalsobythetrustandaffectionthework-peopleshowed.Hemustbeagoodman,howevermistakenhemaybeinthemethodsheemploys.Andlifeiscrueltothosepeople."
"Lifeis-life,"Iobserved."NeitheryounorInorKrebsisabletochangeit."
"Hashecomeheretopractice?"sheasked,afteramoment.
"Yes.Doyouwantmetoinvitehimtodinner?"andseeingthatshedidnotreplyIcontinued:"InspiteofmyexplanationIsupposeyouthink,becauseKrebsdefendedthemanGalligan,thatamonstrousinjusticehasbeendone."
"Thatisunworthyofyou,"shesaid,bendingoverherstitch.
Ibegantopacetheroomagain,aswasmyhabitwhenoverwrought.
"Well,Iwasgoingtotellyouaboutthisaffairifyouhadnotforestalledmebymentioningityourself.Itisn\'tpleasanttobevilifiedbyrascalswhomakecapitaloutofvilification,andamanhasarighttoexpectsomesympathyfromhiswife."
"DidIeverdenyyouthat,Hugh?"sheasked."Onlyyoudon\'teverseemtoneedit,towantit."
"Andtherearethings,"Ipursued,"thingsinaman\'sprovincethatawomanoughttoacceptfromherhusband,thingswhichintheverynatureofthecaseshecanknownothingabout."
"Butawomanmustthinkforherself,"shedeclared."Sheshouldn\'tbecomeamereautomaton,——andthesequestionsinvolvesomuch!Peoplearediscussingthem,themagazinesandperiodicalsarebeginningtotakethemup."
Istaredather,somewhatappalledbythispointofview.Therehad,indeed,beensignsofitsdevelopmentbeforenow,butIhadnotheededthem.AndforthefirsttimeIbeheldMaudeinanewlight.
"Oh,it\'snotthatIdon\'ttrustyou,"shecontinued,"I\'mopentoconviction,butImustbeconvinced.YourexplanationofthisGalligancaseseemsasensibleone,althoughit\'sdepressing.ButlifeishardanddepressingsometimesI\'vecometorealizethat.Iwanttothinkoverwhatyou\'vesaid,Iwanttotalkoveritsomemore.Whywon\'tyoutellmemoreofwhatyouaredoing?Ifyouonlywouldconfideinme——asyouhavenow!Ican\'thelpseeingthatwearegrowingfartherandfartherapart,thatbusiness,yourcareer,istakingallofyouandleavingmenothing."Shefaltered,andwentonagain."It\'sdifficulttotellyouthis——younevergivemethechance.Andit\'snotformysakealone,butforyours,too.Youaregrowingmoreandmoreself-centred,surroundingyourselfwithahardshell.Youdon\'trealizeit,butTomnoticesit,Perrynoticesit,ithurtsthem,it\'sthattheycomplainof.Hugh!"shecriedappealingly,sensingmyresentment,forestallingthewordsofdefencereadyonmylips."Iknowthatyouarebusy,thatmanymendependonyou,itisn\'tthatI\'mnotproudofyouandyoursuccess,butyoudon\'tunderstandwhatawomancraves,——shedoesn\'twantonlytobeagoodhousekeeper,agoodmother,butshewantstosharealittle,atanyrate,inthelifeofherhusband,inhistroublesaswellasinhissuccesses.Shewantstobeofsomelittleuse,ofsomelittlehelptohim."
Myfeelingswerereducedtoamedley.
"Butyouareahelptome——agreathelp,"Iprotested.
Sheshookherhead."IwishIwere,"shesaid.
Itsuddenlyoccurredtomethatshemightbe.Iwassoftened,andalarmedbythespectacleshehadrevealedofthewideningbreachbetweenus.Ilaidmyhandonhershoulder.
"Well,I\'lltrytodobetter,Maude."
Shelookedupatme,questioninglyyetgratefully,throughamistoftears.Butherreply——whateveritmighthavebeen——wasforestalledbythesoundofshoutsandlaughterinthehallway.Shesprangupandrantothedoor.
"It\'sthechildren,"sheexclaimed,"they\'vecomehomefromSusan\'sparty!"
ItbeginsindeedtolookasifIwerewritingthisnarrativeupsidedown,forIhavesaidnothingaboutchildren.PerhapsonereasonforthisomissionisthatIdidnotreallyappreciatethem,thatIfounditimpossibletotakethesameminuteinterestinthemasTom,forinstance,whowas,apparently,notcontentalonewiththesixwhichhepossessed,buthadadoptedmine.Oneofthem,littleSarah,said"UncleTom"before"Father."IdonotmeantosaythatIhadnotoccasionalmomentsoftendernesstowardthem,buttheywereoutofmythoughtsmuchofthetime.Ihaveoftenwondered,since,howtheyregardedme;how,intheirlittleminds,theydefinedtherelationship.Generally,whenIarrivedhomeintheeveningIlikedtositdownbeforemystudyfireandreadtheafternoonnewspapersoramagazine;butoccasionallyIwentatoncetothenurseryforafewmoments,tosurveywithcomplacencythemedleyoftoysonthefloor,andtokissallthree.Theyreceivedmycaresseswithacertainshyness——thetwoyoungerones,atleast,asthoughtheywereatalosstoplacemeasafactorintheestablishment.TheytumbledovereachothertogreetMaude,andevenTom.IfIwereanenigmatothem,whatmusttheyhavethoughtofhim?SometimesIwoulddiscoverhimonthenurseryfloor,withoneortwoofhisownchildren,buildingtowersandcastlesandrailroadstations,orfortstobeattackedanddemolishedbyregimentsofleadsoldiers.Hewasgrowingcomfortable-looking,ifnotexactlystout;prematurelypaternal,oddlywillingtorenouncethefiercerjoysoflife,thejoysofacquisition,ofconquest,ofyouth.
"You\'dbettercomehomewithme,Chickabiddy,"hewouldsay,"thatfatherofyoursdoesn\'tappreciateyou.He\'stoobusygettingrich."
"Chickabiddy,"washisnameforlittleSarah.Halfofthenamestucktoher,andwhenshewasolderwecalledherBiddy.
Shewouldgazeathimquestioningly,hereyeslikeblueflowercups,astrangelittlemixtureofsolemnityandbubblingmirth,ofshynessandimpulsiveness.Shehadfatlegsthatcreasedabovethetopsoftheabsurdlittlebootsthatlookedtobetootight;sometimessherolledandtumbledinanecstasyofabandon,andagainshewouldsitmotionless,asthoughabsorbedindreams.Herhairwaslikecornsilkinthesun,twistingupintosoftcurlsafterherbath,whenshesatrosilypresidingoverhersuppertable.
AsIlookbackoverherearlyinfancy,IrealizethatIlovedher,althoughitisimpossibleformetosayhowmuchofthisloveisretrospective.WhyIwasnotmadabouthereveryhourofthedayisapuzzletomenow.Why,indeed,wasInotmadaboutallthreeofthem?
ThereweremomentswhenIheldandkissedthem,whensomethingwithinmemelted:momentswhenIwasawayfromthem,andthoughtofthem.Butthesemomentsdidnotlast.Thesomethingwithinmehardenedagain,I
becameindifferent,myfamilywaswipedoutofmyconsciousnessasthoughithadneverexisted.
TherewasMatthew,forinstance,theoldest.Whenhearrived,hewastoMaudeanever-endingmiracle,shewouldhavehiscribbroughtintoherroom,andIwouldfindherleaningoverthebedside,gazingathimwitharaptexpressionbeyondmycomprehension.Tomehewasjustabrick-redmorselofhumanity,allfoldsandwrinkles,andnotatallremarkableinanyway.Maudeusedtoannoymebygettingoutofbedinthemiddleofthenightwhenhecried,andatsuchtimesIwasapttowonderattheoddtrickthelife-forcehadplayedme,andaskmyselfwhyIgotmarriedatall.Itwasaqueermethodofcarryingontherace.Lateron,Ibegantotakeacursoryinterestinhim,towatchforsignsinhimofcertaincharacteristicsofmyownyouthwhich,inthephilosophyofmymanhood,I
hadcometoregardasdefects.Anditdisturbedmesomewhattoseethesesignsappear.IwishedhimtobewhatIhadbecomebyforceofwill——afighter.Buthewasasensitivechild,anxiousforapproval;notrobust,thoughspiritualratherthandelicate;evenincomparativeinfancyhecaredmoreforbooksthantoys,andhisgreatestjoywasinbeingreadto.Inspiteofthesetraits——perhapsbecauseofthem——therewasasympathybetweenus.Fromthetimethathecouldtalkthechildseemedtounderstandme.OccasionallyIsurprisedhimgazingatmewithacertainwistfullookthatcomesbacktomeasIwrite.
Moreton,TomusedtocallAlexandertheGreatbecausehewasafighterfromthecradle,beatinghiselderbrother,tooconsideratetostrikeback,andlikewise——whenopportunityoffered——hissister;andappropriatingtheirtoys.Aself-sufficient,doughtyyoungman,withtheroundheadthatwithstandsmanyblows,takingbynaturetocompetitionandbuccaneeringingeneral.IdidnotlovehimhalfsomuchasIdidMatthew——ifsuchintermittentemotionsasminemaybecalledlove.Itwasastandingjoke
