第35章

"HewasevidentlyafraidthatthegovernmentwouldwinthecoalroadssuitunlessIwasretained."

"Morelaurels!"shesighed."IsupposeIoughttobeproudtoknowyou."

"That\'sexactlywhatI\'vebeentryingtoimpressonyoualltheseyears,"

Ideclared."I\'velaidthelaurelsatyourfeet,invain."

Shesatwithherheadbackonthecushions,surveyingme.

"Yourdressisverybecoming,"Isaidirrelevantly.

"Ihopeditwouldmeetyourapproval,"shemocked.

"I\'vebeentryingtoidentifytheshade.It\'selusive——likeyou."

"Don\'tbebanalWhatisthecolour?"

"Poinsetta!"

"Prettynearly,"sheagreed,critically.

Itookthesoftcrepebetweenmyfingers.

"Poet!"shesmiled."No,itisn\'tquitepoinsetta.It\'snearerthered-

orangeofatreeIrememberoneautumn,intheWhiteMountains,withthesettingsunonit.Butthatwasn\'twhatweweretalkingabout.Laurels!

Yourlaurels."

"Mylaurels,"Irepeated."Suchastheyare,Iflingthemintoyourlap."

"Doyouthinktheyincreaseyourvaluetome,Hugh?"

"Idon\'tknow,"Isaidthickly.

Sheshookherhead.

"No,it\'syouIlike——notthelaurels."

"Butifyoucareforme——?"Ibegan.

Sheliftedupherhandsandfoldedthembehindtheknotofherhair.

"It\'sextraordinaryhowlittleyouhavechangedsincewewerechildren,Hugh.Youarestillsixteenyearsold,that\'swhyIlikeyou.Ifyougottobethesultanofsultansyourself,Ishouldn\'tlikeyouanybetter,oranyworse."

"Andyetyouhavejustdeclaredthatpowerappealstoyou!"

"Power——yes.Butawoman——awomanlikeme——wantstobefirst,ornothing."

"Youarefirst,"Iasserted."Youalwayshavebeen,ifyouhadonlyrealizedit."

Shegazedupatmedreamily.

"Ifyouhadonlyrealizedit!IfyouhadonlyrealizedthatallIwantedofyouwastobeyourself.Itwasn\'twhatyouachieved.Ididn\'twantyoutobelikeRalphortheothers."

"Myself?Whatareyoutryingtosay?"

"Yourself.Yes,thatiswhatIlikeaboutyou.Ifyouhadn\'tbeeninsuchahurry——ifyouhadn\'tmisjudgedmeso.Itwasthepowerinyou,thecraving,theidealinyouthatIcaredfor——notthefruitsofit.

Thefruitswouldhavecomenaturally.Butyouforcedthem,Hugh,forquickerresults."

"Whatkindoffruits?"Iasked.

"Ah,"sheexclaimed,"howcanItellwhattheymighthavebeen!Youhavestrivenandstriven,youhavedoneextraordinarythings,buthavetheymadeyouanyhappier?haveyougotwhatyouwant?"

Istoopeddownandseizedherwristsfrombehindherhead.

"Iwantyou,Nancy,"Isaid."Ihavealwayswantedyou.You\'remorewonderfulto-daythanyouhaveeverbeen.Icouldfindmyself——withyou."

Sheclosedhereyes.Adreamysmilewasonherface,andshelayunresisting,verystill.Inthattremendousmoment,forwhichitseemedIhadwaitedalifetime,Icouldhavetakenherinmyarms——andyetIdidnot.Icouldnottellwhy:perhapsitwasbecausesheseemedtohavepassedbeyondme——farbeyond——inrealization.Andshewassostill!

"Wehavemissedtheway,Hugh,"shewhispered,atlast.

"Butwecanfinditagain,ifweseekittogether,"Iurged.

"Ah,ifIonlycould!"shesaid."Icouldhaveonce.ButnowI\'mafraid——afraidofgettinglost."Slowlyshestraightenedup,herhandsfallingintoherlap.Iseizedthemagain,Iwasonmykneesinfrontofher,beforethefire,andshe,intent,lookingdownatme,intome,throughmeitseemed——atsomethingbeyondwhichyetwasme.

"Hugh,"sheasked,"whatdoyoubelieve?Anything?"

"WhatdoIbelieve?"

"Yes.Idon\'tmeananycant,cut-and-driedmorality.Theworldisgettingbeyondthat.Buthaveyou,inyoursecretsoul,anyreligionatall?Doyoueverthinkaboutit?I\'mnotspeakingaboutanythingorthodox,butsomereligion——evenatinyspeckofit,agerm——harmonizingwithlife,withthatpowerwefeelinusweseektoexpressandcontinuallyviolate."

"Nancy!"Iexclaimed.

"Answerme——answermetruthfully,"shesaid

Iwassilent,mythoughtswhirlinglikedustatomsinastorm.

"Youhavealwaystakenthings——takenwhatyouwanted.Buttheyhaven\'tsatisfiedyou,convincedyouthatthatisalloflife."

"Doyoumean——thatweshouldrenounce?"Ifaltered.

"Idon\'tknowwhatImean.Iamasking,Hugh,asking.Haven\'tyouanyclew?Isn\'tthereanyvoiceinyou,anywhere,deepdown,thatcantellme?givemeahint?justalittleone?"

Iwaswracked.Mypassionhadnotleftme,itseemedtobeheightened,andIpressedherhandsagainstherknees.Itwasincrediblethatmyhandsshouldbethere,inhers,feelingher.Herbeautyseemedasfresh,asun-wastedastheday,longsince,whenIdespairedofher.Andyetandyetagainstthetumultandbeatingofthispassionstrivingtothrobdownthought,thoughtstrove.ThoughIsawherasawoman,mysensesandmyspiritcommingledandswoonedtogether.

"Thisislife,"Imurmured,scarcelyknowingwhatIsaid.

"Oh,mydear!"shecried,andhervoicepiercedmewithpain,"arewetobelost,overpowered,engulfed,sweptdownitsstream,tocomeupbelowdrifting——wreckage?Where,then,wouldbeyourpower?I\'mnotspeakingofmyself.Isn\'tlifemorethanthat?Isn\'titinus,too,——inyou?

Think,Hugh.Istherenogod,anywhere,butthisforcewefeel,restlesslycreatingonlytodestroy?Youmustanswer——youmustfindout."

Icannotdescribethepleadingpassioninhervoice,asthoughhellandheavenwerewrestlinginit.ThewomanIsaw,torturedyetuplifted,didnotseemtobeNancy,yetitwasthewomanIlovedmorethanlifeitselfandalwayshadloved.

"Ican\'tthink,"Ianswereddesperately,"Icanonlyfeel——andIcan\'texpresswhatIfeel.It\'smixed,it\'sdim,