第6章

ByLyonsandtheSaône（wherewesawtheladyofLyonsandthoughtlittleofhercomeliness），byVillaFranca，Tonnere，venerableSens，Melun，Fontainebleau，andscoresofotherbeautifulcities，weswept，alwaysnotingtheabsenceofhogwallows，brokenfences，cowlots，unpaintedhouses，andmud，andalwaysnoting，aswell，thepresenceofcleanliness，grace，tasteinadorningandbeautifying，eventothedispositionofatreeortheturningofahedge，themarvelofroadsinperfectrepair，voidofrutsandguiltlessofevenaninequalityofsurface——webowledalong，hourafterhour，thatbrilliantsummerday，andasnightfallapproachedweenteredawildernessofodorousflowersandshrubbery，spedthroughit，andthen，excited，delighted，andhalfpersuadedthatwewereonlythesportofabeautifuldream，lo，westoodinmagnificentParis！

Whatexcellentordertheykeptaboutthatvastdepot！Therewasnofranticcrowdingandjostling，noshoutingandswearing，andnoswaggeringintrusionofservicesbyrowdyhackmen。Theselattergentrystoodoutside——stoodquietlybytheirlonglineofvehiclesandsaidneveraword。Akindofhackmangeneralseemedtohavethewholematteroftransportationinhishands。Hepolitelyreceivedthepassengersandusheredthemtothekindofconveyancetheywanted，andtoldthedriverwheretodeliverthem。Therewasno"talkingback，"nodissatisfactionaboutovercharging，nogrumblingaboutanything。InalittlewhilewewerespeedingthroughthestreetsofParisanddelightfullyrecognizingcertainnamesandplaceswithwhichbookshadlongagomadeusfamiliar。Itwaslikemeetinganoldfriendwhenweread"RuedeRivoli"onthestreetcorner;weknewthegenuinevastpalaceoftheLouvreaswellasweknewitspicture;whenwepassedbytheColumnofJulyweneedednoonetotelluswhatitwasortoremindusthatonitssiteoncestoodthegrimBastille，thatgraveofhumanhopesandhappiness，thatdismalprisonhousewithinwhosedungeonssomanyyoungfacesputonthewrinklesofage，somanyproudspiritsgrewhumble，somanybraveheartsbroke。

Wesecuredroomsatthehotel，orrather，wehadthreebedsputintooneroom，sothatwemightbetogether，andthenwewentouttoarestaurant，justafterlamplighting，andateacomfortable，satisfactory，lingeringdinner。Itwasapleasuretoeatwhereeverythingwassotidy，thefoodsowellcooked，thewaiterssopolite，andthecominganddepartingcompanysomoustached，sofrisky，soaffable，sofearfullyandwonderfullyFrenchy！

Allthesurroundingsweregayandenlivening。Twohundredpeoplesatatlittletablesonthesidewalk，sippingwineandcoffee;thestreetswerethrongedwithlightvehiclesandwithjoyouspleasure—seekers;therewasmusicintheair，lifeandactionallaboutus，andaconflagrationofgaslighteverywhere！

AfterdinnerwefeltlikeseeingsuchParisianspecialtiesaswemightseewithoutdistressingexertion，andsowesaunteredthroughthebrilliantstreetsandlookedatthedaintytriflesinvarietystoresandjewelryshops。Occasionally，merelyforthepleasureofbeingcruel，weputunoffendingFrenchmenontherackwithquestionsframedintheincomprehensiblejargonoftheirnativelanguage，andwhiletheywrithedweimpaledthem，wepepperedthem，wescarifiedthem，withtheirownvileverbsandparticiples。

Wenoticedthatinthejewelrystorestheyhadsomeofthearticlesmarked"gold"andsomelabeled"imitation。"Wewonderedatthisextravaganceofhonestyandinquiredintothematter。Wewereinformedthatinasmuchasmostpeoplearenotabletotellfalsegoldfromthegenuinearticle，thegovernmentcompelsjewelerstohavetheirgoldworkassayedandstampedofficiallyaccordingtoitsfinenessandtheirimitationworkdulylabeledwiththesignofitsfalsity。Theytoldusthejewelerswouldnotdaretoviolatethislaw，andthatwhateverastrangerboughtinoneoftheirstoresmightbedependeduponasbeingstrictlywhatitwasrepresentedtobe。Verily，awonderfullandisFrance！

Thenwehuntedforabarbershop。FromearliestinfancyithadbeenacherishedambitionofminetobeshavedsomedayinapalatialbarbershopinParis。Iwishedtoreclineatfulllengthinacushionedinvalidchair，withpicturesaboutmeandsumptuousfurniture;withfrescoedwallsandgildedarchesabovemeandvistasofCorinthiancolumnsstretchingfarbeforeme;withperfumesofArabytointoxicatemysensesandtheslumbrousdroneofdistantnoisestosoothemetosleep。AttheendofanhourI

wouldwakeupregretfullyandfindmyfaceassmoothandassoftasaninfant\'s。Departing，Iwouldliftmyhandsabovethatbarber\'sheadandsay，"Heavenblessyou，myson！"

Sowesearchedhighandlow，foramatteroftwohours，butneverabarbershopcouldwesee。Wesawonlywigmakingestablishments，withshocksofdeadandrepulsivehairboundupontheheadsofpaintedwaxenbrigandswhostaredoutfromglassboxesuponthepasserbywiththeirstonyeyesandscaredhimwiththeghostlywhiteoftheircountenances。Weshunnedthesesignsforatime，butfinallyweconcludedthatthewigmakersmustofnecessitybethebarbersaswell，sincewecouldfindnosinglelegitimaterepresentativeofthefraternity。Weenteredandasked，andfoundthatitwasevenso。

IsaidIwantedtobeshaved。Thebarberinquiredwheremyroomwas。

Isaidnevermindwheremyroomwas，Iwantedtobeshaved——there，onthespot。Thedoctorsaidhewouldbeshavedalso。Thentherewasanexcitementamongthosetwobarbers！Therewasawildconsultation，andafterwardsahurryingtoandfroandafeverishgatheringupofrazorsfromobscureplacesandaransackingforsoap。Nexttheytookusintoalittlemean，shabbybackroom;theygottwoordinarysitting—roomchairsandplacedusinthemwithourcoatson。Myold，olddreamofblissvanishedintothinair！

Isatboltupright，silent，sad，andsolemn。Oneofthewigmakingvillainslatheredmyfacefortenterribleminutesandfinishedbyplasteringamassofsudsintomymouth。IexpelledthenastystuffwithastrongEnglishexpletiveandsaid，"Foreigner，beware！"Thenthisoutlawstrappedhisrazoronhisboot，hoveredovermeominouslyforsixfearfulseconds，andthenswoopeddownuponmelikethegeniusofdestruction。Thefirstrakeofhisrazorloosenedtheveryhidefrommyfaceandliftedmeoutofthechair。Istormedandraved，andtheotherboysenjoyedit。Theirbeardsarenotstrongandthick。Letusdrawthecurtainoverthisharrowingscene。

SufficeitthatIsubmittedandwentthroughwiththecruelinflictionofashavebyaFrenchbarber;tearsofexquisiteagonycourseddownmycheeksnowandthen，butIsurvived。Thentheincipientassassinheldabasinofwaterundermychinandsloppeditscontentsovermyface，andintomybosom，anddownthebackofmyneck，withameanpretenseofwashingawaythesoapandblood。Hedriedmyfeatureswithatowelandwasgoingtocombmyhair，butIaskedtobeexcused。Isaid，withwitheringirony，thatitwassufficienttobeskinned——Ideclinedtobescalped。

Iwentawayfromtherewithmyhandkerchiefaboutmyface，andnever，never，neverdesiredtodreamofpalatialParisianbarbershopsanymore。

Thetruthis，asIbelieveIhavesincefoundout，thattheyhavenobarbershopsworthyofthenameinParis——andnobarbers，either，forthatmatter。Theimpostorwhodoesdutyasabarberbringshispansandnapkinsandimplementsoftorturetoyourresidenceanddeliberatelyskinsyouinyourprivateapartments。Ah，Ihavesuffered，suffered，suffered，hereinParis，butnevermind——thetimeiscomingwhenIshallhaveadarkandbloodyrevenge。

SomedayaParisianbarberwillcometomyroomtoskinme，andfromthatdayforththatbarberwillneverbeheardofmore。

Ateleveno\'clockwealighteduponasignwhichmanifestlyreferredtobilliards。Joy！WehadplayedbilliardsintheAzoreswithballsthatwerenotroundandonanancienttablethatwasverylittlesmootherthanabrickpavement——oneofthosewretchedoldthingswithdeadcushions，andwithpatchesinthefadedclothandinvisibleobstructionsthatmadetheballsdescribethemostastonishingandunsuspectedanglesandperformfeatsinthewayofunlooked—forandalmostimpossible"scratches"thatwereperfectlybewildering。WehadplayedatGibraltarwithballsthesizeofawalnutonatablelikeapublicsquareandinbothinstancesweachievedfarmoreaggravationthanamusement。Weexpectedtofarebetterhere，butweweremistaken。Thecushionswereagooddealhigherthantheballs，andastheballshadafashionofalwaysstoppingunderthecushions，weaccomplishedverylittleinthewayofcaroms。Thecushionswerehardandunelastic，andthecuesweresocrookedthatinmakingashotyouhadtoallowforthecurveoryouwouldinfalliblyputthe"English"onthewrongsideofthehall。DanwastomarkwhilethedoctorandIplayed。Attheendofanhourneitherofushadmadeacount，andsoDanwastiredofkeepingtallywithnothingtotally，andwewereheatedandangryanddisgusted。

Wepaidtheheavybill——aboutsixcents——andsaidwewouldcallaroundsometimewhenwehadaweektospend，andfinishthegame。

Weadjournedtooneofthoseprettycafésandtooksupperandtestedthewinesofthecountry，aswehadbeeninstructedtodo，andfoundthemharmlessandunexciting。Theymighthavebeenexciting，however，ifwehadchosentodrinkasufficiencyofthem。

TocloseourfirstdayinParischeerfullyandpleasantly，wenowsoughtourgrandroomintheGrandHotelduLouvreandclimbedintooursumptuousbedtoreadandsmoke——butalas！Itwaspitiful，Inawholecity—full，Gaswehadnone。Nogastoreadby——nothingbutdismalcandles。Itwasashame。Wetriedtomapoutexcursionsforthemorrow;wepuzzledoverFrench"guidestoParis";wetalkeddisjointedlyinavainendeavortomakeheadortailofthewildchaosoftheday\'ssightsandexperiences;wesubsidedtoindolentsmoking;wegapedandyawnedandstretched——thenfeeblywonderedifwewerereallyandtrulyinrenownedParis，anddrifteddrowsilyawayintothatvastmysteriousvoidwhichmencallsleep。

1。Theygoontheprinciplethatitisbetterthatoneinnocentmanshouldsufferthanfivehundred。

Chapter13

Thenextmorningwewereupanddressedatteno\'clock。Wewenttothecommissionaireofthehotel——Idon\'tknowwhatacommissionaireis，butthatisthemanwewentto——andtoldhimwewantedaguide。

HesaidthenationalExpositionhaddrawnsuchmultitudesofEnglishmenandAmericanstoParisthatitwouldbenexttoimpossibletofindagoodguideunemployed。Hesaidheusuallykeptadozenortwoonhand，butheonlyhadthreenow。Hecalledthem。Onelookedsolikeaverypiratethatwelethimgoatonce。Thenextonespokewithasimperingprecisionofpronunciationthatwasirritatingandsaid:

"Ifzezhentlemanswilltomemakezegrandehonneurtomerattaininheesserveece，IshallshowtohimeverysingzatismagnifiquetolookuponinzebeautifulParree。IspeakyzeAngleeshpairfaitemaw。"

Hewouldhavedonewelltohavestoppedthere，becausehehadthatmuchbyheartandsaiditrightoffwithoutmakingamistake。Buthisself—complacencyseducedhimintoattemptingaflightintoregionsofunexploredEnglish，andtherecklessexperimentwashisruin。Withintensecondshewassotangledupinamazeofmutilatedverbsandtornandbleedingformsofspeechthatnohumaningenuitycouldeverhavegottenhimoutofitwithcredit。Itwasplainenoughthathecouldnot"speaky"theEnglishquiteas"pairfaitemaw"ashehadpretendedhecould。

Thethirdmancapturedus。Hewasplainlydressed，buthehadanoticeableairofneatnessabouthim。Heworeahighsilkhatwhichwasalittleold，buthadbeencarefullybrushed。Heworesecondhandkidgloves，ingoodrepair，andcarriedasmallrattancanewithacurvedhandle——afemaleleg——ofivory。Hesteppedasgentlyandasdaintilyasacatcrossingamuddystreet;andoh，hewasurbanity;hewasquiet，unobtrusiveself—possession;

hewasdeferenceitself！Hespokesoftlyandguardedly;andwhenhewasabouttomakeastatementonhissoleresponsibilityorofferasuggestion，heweigheditbydrachmsandscruplesfirst，withthecrookofhislittlestickplacedmeditativelytohisteeth。Hisopeningspeechwasperfect。

Itwasperfectinconstruction，inphraseology，ingrammar，inemphasis，inpronunciation——everything。Hespokelittleandguardedlyafterthat。

Wewerecharmed。Weweremorethancharmed——wewereoverjoyed。Wehiredhimatonce。Weneverevenaskedhimhisprice。Thisman——ourlackey，ourservant，ourunquestioningslavethoughhewas——wasstillagentleman——wecouldseethat——whileoftheothertwoonewascoarseandawkwardandtheotherwasabornpirate。WeaskedourmanFriday\'sname。Hedrewfromhispocketbookasnowylittlecardandpassedittouswithaprofoundbow:

A。BILLFINGERGuidetoParis，France，Germany，Spain，&c。，&c。

GrandeHotelduLouvre"Billfinger！Oh，carrymehometodie！"

Thatwasan"aside"fromDan。Theatrociousnamegratedharshlyonmyear，too。Themostofuscanlearntoforgive，andeventolike，acountenancethatstrikesusunpleasantlyatfirst，butfewofus，Ifancy，becomereconciledtoajarringnamesoeasily。Iwasalmostsorrywehadhiredthisman，hisnamewassounbearable。However，nomatter。Wewereimpatienttostart。

Billfingersteppedtothedoortocallacarriage，andthenthedoctorsaid:

"Well，theguidegoeswiththebarbershop，withthebilliardtable，withthegaslessroom，andmaybewithmanyanotherprettyromanceofParis。

IexpectedtohaveaguidenamedHenrideMontmorencyorArmanddelaChartreuseOrsomethingthatwouldsoundgrandinletterstothevillagersathome，buttothinkofaFrenchmanbythenameofBillfinger！Oh！Thisisabsurd，youknow。Thiswillneverdo。Wecan\'tsayBillfinger;itisnauseating。

Namehimoveragain;whathadwebettercallhim？AlexisduCaulaincourt？"

"AlphonseHenriGustavedeHauteville，"Isuggested。

"CallhimFerguson，"saidDan。

Thatwaspractical，unromanticgoodsense。Withoutdebate，weexpungedBillfingerasBillfingerandcalledhimFerguson。

Thecarriage——anopenbarouche——wasready。Fergusonmountedbesidethedriver，andwewhirledawaytobreakfast。Aswasproper，Mr。Fergusonstoodbytotransmitourordersandanswerquestions。Byandby，hementionedcasually——theartfuladventurer——thathewouldgoandgethisbreakfastassoonaswehadfinishedours。Heknewwecouldnotgetalongwithouthimandthatwewouldnotwanttoloiteraboutandwaitforhim。Weaskedhimtositdownandeatwithus。Hebegged，withmanyabow，tobeexcused。

Itwasnotproper，hesaid;hewouldsitatanothertable。Weorderedhimperemptorilytositdownwithus。

Hereendeththefirstlesson。Itwasamistake。

Aslongaswehadthatfellowafterthat，hewasalwayshungry;hewasalwaysthirsty。Hecameearly;hestayedlate;hecouldnotpassarestaurant;

helookedwithalecherouseyeuponeverywineshop。Suggestionstostop，excusestoeatandtodrink，wereforeveronhislips。Wetriedallwecouldtofillhimsofullthathewouldhavenoroomtospareforafortnight，butitwasafailure。Hedidnot，holdenoughtosmotherthecravingsofhissuperhumanappetite。

Hehadanother"discrepancy"abouthim。Hewasalwayswantingustobuythings。Ontheshallowestpretenseshewouldinveigleusintoshirtstores，bootstores，tailorshops，gloveshops——anywhereunderthebroadsweepoftheheavensthatthereseemedachanceofourbuyinganything。

Anyonecouldhaveguessedthattheshopkeeperspaidhimapercentageonthesales，butinourblessedinnocencewedidn\'tuntilthisfeatureofhisconductgrewunbearablyprominent。OnedayDanhappenedtomentionthathethoughtofbuyingthreeorfoursilkdresspatternsforpresents。

Ferguson\'shungryeyewasuponhiminaninstant。Inthecourseoftwentyminutesthecarriagestopped。

"What\'sthis？"

"ZisiszefinestsilkmagasininParis——zemostcelebrate。"

"Whatdidyoucomeherefor？WetoldyoutotakeustothepalaceoftheLouvre。"

"Isupposezegentlemansayhewishtobuysomesilk。"

"Youarenotrequiredto\'suppose\'thingsfortheparty，Ferguson。Wedonotwishtotaxyourenergiestoomuch。Wewillbearsomeoftheburdenandheatofthedayourselves。Wewillendeavortodosuch\'supposing\'

asisreallynecessarytobedone。Driveon。"Sospakethedoctor。

Withinfifteenminutesthecarriagehaltedagain，andbeforeanothersilkstore。Thedoctorsaid:

"Ah，thepalaceoftheLouvre——beautiful，beautifuledifice！DoestheEmperorNapoleonliveherenow，Ferguson？"

"Ah，Doctor！Youdojest;zisisnotzepalace;wecometheredirectly。

Butsincewepassrightbyzisstore，whereissuchbeautifulsilk——\'

"Ah！Isee，Isee。Imeanttohavetoldyouthatwedidnotwishtopurchaseanysilkstoday，butinmyabsentmindednessIforgotit。IalsomeanttotellyouwewishedtogodirectlytotheLouvre，butIforgotthatalso。However，wewillgotherenow。Pardonmyseemingcarelessness，Ferguson。Driveon。"

Withinthehalfhourwestoppedagain——infrontofanothersilkstore。

Wewereangry;butthedoctorwasalwaysserene，alwayssmooth—voiced。

Hesaid:

"Atlast！HowimposingtheLouvreis，andyethowsmall！Howexquisitelyfashioned！Howcharminglysituated！Venerable，venerablepile——"

"Pairdon，Doctor，zisisnotzeLouvre——itis——"

"Whatisit？\'

"Ihavezeidea——itcometomeinamoment——zatzesilkinzismagasin——"

"Ferguson，howheedlessIam。Ifullyintendedtotellyouthatwedidnotwishtobuyanysilkstoday，andIalsointendedtotellyouthatweyearnedtogoimmediatelytothepalaceoftheLouvre，butenjoyingthehappinessofseeingyoudevourfourbreakfaststhismorninghassofilledmewithpleasurableemotionsthatIneglectthecommonestinterestsofthetime。However，wewillproceednowtotheLouvre，Ferguson。"

"But，Doctor"（excitedly），"itwilltakenotaminute——notbutonesmallminute！Zegentlemanneednottobuyifhenotwishto——butonlylookatzesilk——lookatzebeautifulfabric。[Thenpleadingly。]Sair——justonlyoneleetlemoment！"

Dansaid，"Confoundtheidiot！Idon\'twanttoseeanysilkstoday，andIwon\'tlookatthem。Driveon。"

Andthedoctor:"Weneednosilksnow，Ferguson。OurheartsyearnfortheLouvre。Letusjourneyon——letusjourneyon。"

"But，Doctor！Itisonlyonemoment——oneleetlemoment。Andzetimewillbesave——entirelysave！Becausezereisnothingtoseenow——itistoolate。ItwanttenminutetofourandzeLouvrecloseatfour——onlyoneleetlemoment，Doctor！"

Thetreacherousmiscreant！Afterfourbreakfastsandagallonofchampagne，toserveussuchascurvytrick。WegotnosightofthecountlesstreasuresofartintheLouvregalleriesthatday，andouronlypoorlittlesatisfactionwasinthereflectionthatFergusonsoldnotasolitarysilkdresspattern。

IamwritingthischapterpartlyforthesatisfactionofabusingthataccomplishedknaveBillfinger，andpartlytoshowwhosoevershallreadthishowAmericansfareatthehandsoftheParisguidesandwhatsortofpeopleParisguidesare。Itneednotbesupposedthatwewereastupideroraneasierpreythanourcountrymengenerallyare，forwewerenot。TheguidesdeceiveanddefraudeveryAmericanwhogoestoParisforthefirsttimeandseesitssightsaloneorincompanywithothersaslittleexperiencedashimself。IshallvisitParisagainsomeday，andthenlettheguidesbeware！Ishallgoinmywarpaint——Ishallcarrymytomahawkalong。

IthinkwehavelostbutlittletimeinParis。Wehavegonetobedeverynighttiredout。OfcoursewevisitedtherenownedInternationalExposition。

Alltheworlddidthat。WewentthereonourthirddayinParis——andwestayedtherenearlytwohours。Thatwasourfirstandlastvisit。

Totellthetruth，wesawataglancethatonewouldhavetospendweeks——yea，evenmonths——inthatmonstrousestablishmenttogetanintelligibleideaofit。Itwasawonderfulshow，butthemovingmassesofpeopleofallnationswesawtherewereastillmorewonderfulshow。IdiscoveredthatifIweretostaythereamonth，Ishouldstillfindmyselflookingatthepeopleinsteadoftheinanimateobjectsonexhibition。Igotalittleinterestedinsomecuriousoldtapestriesofthethirteenthcentury，butapartyofArabscameby，andtheirduskyfacesandquaintcostumescalledmyattentionawayatonce。Iwatchedasilverswan，whichhadalivinggraceabouthismovementsandalivingintelligenceinhiseyes——watchedhimswimmingaboutascomfortablyandasunconcernedlyasifhehadbeenborninamorassinsteadofajeweler\'sshop——watchedhimseizeasilverfishfromunderthewaterandholduphisheadandgothroughallthecustomaryandelaboratemotionsofswallowingit——butthemomentitdisappeareddownhisthroatsometattooedSouthSeaIslandersapproachedandIyieldedtotheirattractions。PresentlyIfoundarevolvingpistolseveralhundredyearsoldwhichlookedstrangelylikeamodernColt，butjustthenIheardthattheEmpressoftheFrenchwasinanotherpartofthebuilding，andhastenedawaytoseewhatshemightlooklike。Weheardmartialmusic——wesawanunusualnumberofsoldierswalkinghurriedlyabout——therewasageneralmovementamongthepeople。WeinquiredwhatitwasallaboutandlearnedthattheEmperoroftheFrenchandtheSultanofTurkeywereabouttoreviewtwenty—fivethousandtroopsattheArcdel\'Etoile。Weimmediatelydeparted。IhadagreateranxietytoseethesementhanIcouldhavehadtoseetwentyexpositions。

WedroveawayandtookupapositioninanopenspaceoppositetheAmericanminister\'shouse。Aspeculatorbridgedacoupleofbarrelswithaboardandwehiredstandingplacesonit。Presentlytherewasasoundofdistantmusic;inanotherminuteapillarofdustcamemovingslowlytowardus;

amomentmoreandthen，withcolorsflyingandagrandcrashofmilitarymusic，agallantarrayofcavalrymenemergedfromthedustandcamedownthestreetonagentletrot。Afterthemcamealonglineofartillery;

thenmorecavalry，insplendiduniforms;andthentheirimperialmajestiesNapoleonIIIandAbdul—Aziz。Thevastconcourseofpeopleswungtheirhatsandshouted——thewindowsandhousetopsinthewidevicinityburstintoasnowstormofwavinghandkerchiefs，andthewaversofthesamemingledtheircheerswiththoseofthemassesbelow。Itwasastirringspectacle。

Butthetwocentralfiguresclaimedallmyattention。Waseversuchacontrastsetupbeforeamultitudetillthen？Napoleoninmilitaryuniform——along—bodied，short—leggedman，fiercelymoustached，old，wrinkled，witheyeshalfclosed，andsuchadeep，crafty，schemingexpressionaboutthem！Napoleonbowingeversogentlytotheloudplaudits，andwatchingeverythingandeverybodywithhiscateyesfromunderhisdepressedhatbrim，asiftodiscoveranysignthatthosecheerswerenotheartfeltandcordial。

Abdul—Aziz，absolutelordoftheOttomanempire——cladindarkgreenEuropeanclothes，almostwithoutornamentorinsigniaofrank;aredTurkishfezonhishead;ashort，stout，darkman，black—bearded，black—eyed，stupid，unprepossessing——amanwhosewholeappearancesomehowsuggestedthatifheonlyhadacleaverinhishandandawhiteapronon，onewouldnotbeatallsurprisedtohearhimsay:"Amuttonroasttoday，orwillyouhaveaniceporterhousesteak？"

NapoleonIII，therepresentativeofthehighestmodemcivilization，progress，andrefinement;Abdul—Aziz，therepresentativeofapeoplebynatureandtrainingfilthy，brutish，ignorant，unprogressive，superstitious——andagovernmentwhoseThreeGracesareTyranny，Rapacity，Blood。HereinbrilliantParis，underthismajesticArchofTriumph，thefirstcenturygreetsthenineteenthNapoleonIII，EmperorofFrance！Surroundedbyshoutingthousands，bymilitarypomp，bythesplendorsofhiscapitalcity，andcompanionedbykingsandprinces——thisisthemanwhowassneeredatandreviledandcalledBastard——yetwhowasdreamingofacrownandanempireallthewhile;whowasdrivenintoexile——butcarriedhisdreamswithhim;whoassociatedwiththecommonherdinAmericaandranfootracesforawager——butstillsatuponathroneinfancy;whobravedeverydangertogotohisdyingmother——andgrievedthatshecouldnotbesparedtoseehimcastasidehisplebeianvestmentsforthepurpleofroyalty;whokepthisfaithfulwatchandwalkedhiswearybeatacommonpolicemanofLondon——butdreamedthewhileofacomingnightwhenheshouldtreadthelong—drawncorridorsoftheTuileries;whomadethemiserablefiascoofStrasbourg;sawhispoor，shabbyeagle，forgetfulofitslesson，refusetoperchuponhisshoulder;

deliveredhiscarefullyprepared，sententiousburstofeloquenceuntounsympatheticears;foundhimselfaprisoner，thebuttofsmallwits，amarkforthepitilessridiculeofalltheworld——yetwentondreamingofcoronationsandsplendidpageantsasbefore;wholayaforgottencaptiveinthedungeonsofHam——andstillschemedandplannedandponderedoverfuturegloryandfuturepower;PresidentofFranceatlast！acoupd\'etat，andsurroundedbyapplaudingarmies，welcomedbythethundersofcannon，hemountsathroneandwavesbeforeanastoundedworldthescepterofamightyempire！Whotalksofthemarvelsoffiction？Whospeaksofthewondersofromance？

WhopratesofthetameachievementsofAladdinandtheMagiiofArabia？

Abdul—Aziz，SultanofTurkey，LordoftheOttomanEmpire！Borntoathrone;weak，stupid，ignorant，almost，ashismeanestslave;chiefofavastroyalty，yetthepuppetofhispremierandtheobedientchildofatyrannicalmother;amanwhositsuponathrone——thebeckofwhosefingermovesnaviesandarmies——whoholdsinhishandsthepoweroflifeanddeathovermillions——yetwhosleeps，sleeps，eats，eats，idleswithhiseighthundredconcubines，andwhenheissurfeitedwitheatingandsleepingandidling，andwouldrouseupandtakethereinsofgovernmentandthreatentobeasultan，ischarmedfromhispurposebywaryFuadPashawithaprettyplanforanewpalaceoranewship——charmedawaywithanewtoy，likeanyotherrestlesschild;amanwhoseeshispeoplerobbedandoppressedbysoullesstaxgatherers，butspeaksnowordtosavethem;whobelievesingnomesandgeniiandthewildfablesofTheArabianNights，buthassmallregardforthemightymagiciansoftodayandisnervousinthepresenceoftheirmysteriousrailroadsandsteamboatsandtelegraphs;whowouldseeundoneinEgyptallthatgreatMehemetAliachievedandwouldpreferrathertoforgetthanemulatehim;amanwhofoundhisgreatempireablotupontheearth——adegraded，poverty—stricken，miserable，infamousagglomerationofignorance，crime，andbrutality——andwillidleawaytheallotteddaysofhistriviallifeandthenpasstothedustandthewormsandleaveitso！

NapoleonhasaugmentedthecommercialprosperityofFranceintenyearstosuchadegreethatfigurescanhardlycomputeit。HehasrebuiltParisandhaspartlyrebuilteverycityinthestate。Hecondemnsawholestreetatatime，assessesthedamages，paysthem，andrebuildssuperbly。Thenspeculatorsbuyupthegroundandsell，buttheoriginalownerisgiventhefirstchoicebythegovernmentatastatedpricebeforethespeculatorispermittedtopurchase。Butaboveallthings，hehastakenthesolecontroloftheempireofFranceintohishandsandmadeitatolerablyfreeland——forpeoplewhowillnotattempttogotoofarinmeddlingwithgovernmentaffairs。

NocountryoffersgreatersecuritytolifeandpropertythanFrance，andonehasallthefreedomhewants，butnolicense——nolicensetointerferewithanybodyormakeanyoneuncomfortable。

AsfortheSultan，onecouldsetatrapanywhereandcatchadozenablermeninanight。

Thebandsstruckup，andthebrilliantadventurer，NapoleonIII，thegeniusofEnergy，Persistence，Enterprise，andthefeebleAbdul—Aziz，thegeniusofIgnorance，Bigotry，andIndolence，preparedfortheForward——March！

Wesawthesplendidreview，wesawthewhite—moustachedoldCrimeansoldierCanrobert，marshalofFrance，wesaw——well，wesaweverything，andthenwewenthomesatisfied。

Chapter14

WewenttoseetheCathedralofNotreDame。Wehadheardofitbefore。

Itsurprisesmesometimestothinkhowmuchwedoknowandhowintelligentweare。WerecognizedthebrownoldGothicpileinamoment;itwaslikethepictures。Westoodatalittledistanceandchangedfromonepointofobservationtoanotherandgazedlongatitsloftysquaretowersanditsrichfront，clusteredthickwithstony，mutilatedsaintswhohadbeenlookingcalmlydownfromtheirperchesforages。ThePatriarchofJerusalemstoodunderthemintheolddaysofchivalryandromance，andpreachedthethirdCrusade，morethansixhundredyearsago;andsincethatdaytheyhavestoodthereandlookedquietlydownuponthemostthrillingscenes，thegrandestpageants，themostextraordinaryspectaclesthathavegrievedordelightedParis。Thesebatteredandbroken—nosedoldfellowssawmanyandmanyacavalcadeofmail—cladknightscomemarchinghomefromHolyLand;theyheardthebellsabovethemtollthesignalfortheSt。Bartholomew\'sMassacre，andtheysawtheslaughterthatfollowed;latertheysawtheReignofTerror，thecarnageoftheRevolution，theoverthrowofaking，thecoronationoftwoNapoleons，thechristeningoftheyoungprincethatlordsitoveraregimentofservantsintheTuileriestoday——andtheymaypossiblycontinuetostandthereuntiltheyseetheNapoleondynastysweptawayandthebannersofagreatrepublicfloatingaboveitsruins。Iwishtheseoldpartiescouldspeak。Theycouldtellataleworththelisteningto。