第30章

Foraninstantshehadaclearvisionofwhatshewasdoing，andwashorrifiedathowshehadfallenawayfromherresolution。Buteventhoughsheknewitwasherownruin，shecouldnotrestrainherself，couldnotkeepherselffromprovingtohimthathewaswrong，couldnotgivewaytohim。

`Ineversaidthat；IsaidIdidnotsympathizewiththissuddenpassion。’

`Howisit，thoughyouboastofyourstraightforwardness，youdon’ttellthetruth？’

`Ineverboast，andInevertelllies，’hesaidslowly，restraininghisrisinganger。`It’sagreatpityifyoucan’trespect……’

`Respectwasinventedtocovertheemptyplacewhereloveshouldbe……Andifyoudon’tlovemeanymore，itwouldbebetterandmorehonesttosayso。’

`No，thisisbecomingunbearable！’criedVronsky，gettingupfromhischair；andstoppingshort，facingher，hesaidspeakingdeliberately:

`Whatdoyoutrymypatiencefor？’lookingasthoughhemighthavesaidmuchmore，butwasrestraininghimself。`Ithaslimits。’

`Whatdoyoumeanbythat？’shecried，lookingwithterrorattheundisguisedhatredinhiswholeface，andespeciallyinhiscruel，sinistereyes。

`Imeantosay……’hewasbeginning，buthecheckedhimself。`I

mustaskwhatitisyouwantofme？’

`WhatIcanwant？AllIcanwantisthatyoushouldnotdesertme，asyouthinkofdoing，’shesaid，understandingallhehadnotuttered。

`ButthatIdon’twant；that’ssecondary。Iwantlove，andthereisnone。

Sothen，allisatanend。’

Sheturnedtowardthedoor。

`Stop！sto-op！’saidVronsky，withnochangeinthegloomylinesofhisbrows，thoughheheldherbythehand。`Whatisitallabout？I

saidthatwemustputoffgoingforthreedays，andonthatyoutoldmeIwaslying，thatIwasnotanhonorableman。’

`Yes，andIrepeatthatthemanwhoreproachesmewithhavingsacrificedeverythingforme，’shesaid，recallingthewordsofastillearlierquarrel，`isworsethanadishonorableman-he’saheartlessman。’

`Oh，therearelimitstoendurance！’hecried，andhastilyletgoherhand。

`Hehatesme，that’sclear，’shethought，andinsilence，withoutlookinground，shewalkedwithfalteringstepsoutoftheroom。`Helovesanotherwoman，that’sevenclearer，’shesaidtoherselfasshewentintoherownroom。`Iwantlove，andthereisnone。So，then，allisatanend，’

sherepeatedthewordsshehadsaid，`anditmustbeputtoanend。’

`Buthow？’sheaskedherself，andshesatdowninalowchairbeforethelookingglass。

Thoughtsofwhereshewouldgonow，whethertotheauntwhohadbroughtherup，toDolly，orsimplyalone，abroad，andofwhathewasdoingnowaloneinhisstudy；whetherthiswasthefinalquarrel，orwhetherreconciliationwerestillpossible；andofwhatallheroldfriendsatPeterburgwouldsayofhernow；andofhowAlexeiAlexandrovichwouldlookatit，andmanyotherideasofwhatwouldhappennowaftertherupture，cameintoherhead；butshedidnotgiveherselfuptothemwithallherheart。Atthebottomofherheartwassomeobscureideathataloneinterestedher，butshecouldnotgetclearsightofit。ThinkingoncemoreofAlexeiAlexandrovich，sherecalledthetimeofherillnessafterherconfinement，andthefeelingwhichneverleftheratthattime。`Whydidn’tIdie？’

sherecalledthewordsandthefeelingofthattime。Andallatoncesheknewwhatwasinhersoul。Yes，itwasthatideawhichalonesolvedall。

`Yes，todie！……’

`AndtheshameanddisgraceofAlexeiAlexandrovichandofSeriozha，andmyawfulshame-deathwillbethesalvationofeverything。Todie！

Andhewillfeelremorse；willbesorry；willloveme；hewillsufferonmyaccount。’Withafixedsmileofcommiserationforherselfshesatdowninthearmchair，takingoffandputtingontheringsonherlefthand，vividlypicturingfromdifferentsideshisfeelingsafterherdeath。

Approachingfootsteps-hissteps-distractedherattention。

Asthoughabsorbedinthearrangementofherrings，shedidnoteventurntohim。

Hewentuptoher，andtakingherbythehand，saidsoftly:

`Anna，we’llgothedayaftertomorrow，ifyoulike。Iagreetoeverything。’

Shedidnotspeak。

`Whatisit？’heurged。

`Youknow，’shesaid，andatthesameinstant，unabletorestrainherselfanylonger，sheburstintosobs。

`Castmeoff-do！’-shearticulatedbetweenhersobs。`I’llgoawaytomorrow……I’lldomorethanthat。WhatamI？Adepravedwoman！

Astoneroundyourneck。Idon’twanttomakeyouwretched；Idon’twantto！I’llsetyoufree。Youdon’tloveme；youlovesomeoneelse！’

Vronskybesoughthertobecalm，anddeclaredthattherewasnotraceoffoundationforherjealousy；thathehadneverceased，andneverwouldcease，toloveher；thathelovedhermorethanever。

`Anna，whydistressyourselfandmeso？’hesaidtoher，kissingherhands。Therewastendernessnowinhisface，andshefanciedshecaughtthesoundoftearsinhisvoice，andshefeltthemwetonherhand。AndinstantlyAnna’sdespairingjealousychangedtoadespairingpassionoftenderness。Sheputherarmsroundhim，andcoveredwithkisseshishead，hisneck，hishands。

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TOLSTOY:AnnaKareninaPart7，Chapter25[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]Chapter25Feelingthatthereconciliationwascomplete，Annaseteagerlytoworkinthemorningpreparingfortheirdeparture。ThoughitwasnotsettledwhethertheyshouldgoonMondayorTuesday，astheyhadeachgivenwaytotheother，Annapackedbusily，feelingabsolutelyindifferentwhethertheywentadayearlierorlater。Shewasstandinginherroomoveranopenbox，takingthingsoutofit，whenhecameintoseeherearlierthanusual，dressedtogoout。

`I’mgoingoffatoncetoseemaman；shecansendmethemoneybyIegorov。AndIshallbereadytogotomorrow，’hesaid。

Thoughshewasinsuchagoodmood，thementionofhisvisittohismother’sgaveherapang。

`No，Ishan’tbereadybythenmyself，’shesaid；andatoncereflected，`sothenitwaspossibletoarrangetodoasIwished。’-`No，doasyoumeanttodo。Gointothediningroom，I’mcomingdirectly。It’sonlytoturnoutthosethingsthataren’twanted，’shesaid，puttingsomethingmoreontheheapoffripperythatlayinAnnushka’sarms。

Vronskywaseatinghisbeefsteakwhenshecameintothediningroom。

`Youwouldn’tbelievehowdistastefultheseroomshavebecometome，’shesaid，sittingdownbesidehimtohercoffee。`There’snothingmoreawfulthanthesechambresgarnies。There’snoindividualityinthem，nosoul。Theseclocks，andcurtains，and，worstofall，thewallpapers-they’reanightmare。IthinkofVozdvizhenskoeasthepromisedland。

You’renotsendingthehorsesoffyet？’

`No，theywillcomeafterus。Whereareyougoingto？’

`IwantedtogotoWilson’stotakesomedressestoher。Soit’sreallytobetomorrow？’shesaidinacheerfulvoice；butsuddenlyherfacechanged。

Vronsky’svaletcameintoaskhimtosignareceiptforatelegramfromPeterburg。TherewasnothingoutofthewayinVronsky’sgettingatelegram，buthesaid，asthoughanxioustoconcealsomethingfromher，thatthereceiptwasinhisstudy，andheturnedhurriedlytoher。

`Bytomorrow，withoutfail，Iwillfinishitall。’

`Fromwhomisthetelegram？’sheasked，nothearinghim。

`FromStiva，’heansweredreluctantly。

`Whydidn’tyoushowittome？WhatsecretcantherebebetweenStivaandme？’

Vronskycalledthevaletback，andtoldhimtobringthetelegram。

`Ididn’twanttoshowittoyou，becauseStivahassuchapassionfortelegraphing:whytelegraphwhennothingissettled？’

`Aboutthedivorce？’

`Yes；buthesayshehasnotbeenabletocomeatanythingyet。

Hehaspromisedadecisiveanswerinadayortwo。Buthereitis；readit。’

WithtremblinghandsAnnatookthetelegram，andreadwhatVronskyhadtoldher。Attheendwasadded:`littlehope；butIwilldoeverythingpossibleandimpossible。’

`Isaidyesterdaythatit’sabsolutelynothingtomewhenIgetadivorce，orwhetherInevergetit，’shesaid，flushingcrimson。`Therewasnottheslightestnecessitytohideitfromme。’-`Sohemayhide，anddoeshide，hiscorrespondencewithwomenfromme，’shethought。

`IashvinmeanttocomethismorningwithVoitov，’saidVronsky；

`Ibelievehe’swonfromPievtsovallandmorethanhecanpay-aboutsixtythousand。’

`No，’shesaid，furtherirritatedbyhissoobviouslyshowingbythischangeofsubjectthatheknewshewasirritated，`whydidyousupposethatthisnewswouldaffectmeso，thatyoumusteventrytohideit？IsaidIdon’twanttoconsiderit，andIshouldhavelikedyoutocareaslittleaboutitasIdo。’

`IcareaboutitbecauseIlikedefiniteness，’hesaid。

`Definitenessisnotintheform，butinlove，’shesaid，moreandmoreirritated，notbyhiswords，butbythetoneofcoolcomposureinwhichhespoke。`Whatdoyouwantitfor？’

`MyGod！Loveagain，’hethought，frowning。

`Oh，youknowwhatfor；foryoursakeandyourchildren’sinthefuture。’

`Therewon’tbeanychildreninthefuture。’

`That’sagreatpity，’hesaid。

`Youwantitforthechildren’ssake，butyoudon’tthinkofme？’

shesaid，quiteforgetting，ornothavingheardthathehadsaid，`Foryoursakeandthechildren’s。’

Thequestionofthepossibilityofhavingchildrenhadlongbeenasubjectofdisputeandirritationtoher。Hisdesiretohavechildrensheinterpretedasaproofhedidnotprizeherbeauty。

`Oh，Isaid:foryoursake。Aboveallforyoursake，’herepeated，frowningasthoughinpain，`becauseIamcertainthatthegreaterpartofyourirritabilitycomesfromtheindefinitenessoftheposition。’

`Yes，nowhehaslaidasideallpretense，andallhiscoldhatredformeisapparent，’shethought，nothearinghiswords，butwatchingwithterrorthecold，crueljudgewho，mockingher，lookedoutofhiseyes。

`Thecauseisn’tthat，’shesaid，`and，indeed，Idon’tseehowthecauseofmyirritability，asyoucallit，canbeinmybeingcompletelyinyourpower。Whatindefinitenessisthereintheposition？Onthecontrary。’

`Iamverysorrythatyoudon’tcaretounderstand，’heinterrupted，obstinatelyanxioustogiveutterancetohisthought。`TheindefinitenessconsistsinyourimaginingthatIamfree。’

`Onthatscoreyoucansetyourmindquiteatrest，’shesaid，andturningawayfromhim，shebegandrinkinghercoffee。

Sheliftedhercup，withherlittlefingerheldapart，andputittoherlips。Afterdrinkingafewsipssheglancedathim，andbyhisexpressionshesawclearlythathewasrepelledbyherhand，andhergesture，andthesoundmadebyherlips。

`Idon’tcareintheleastwhatyourmotherthinks，andwhatmatchshewantstomakeforyou，’shesaid，puttingthecupdownwithashakinghand。

`Butwearenottalkingaboutthat。’

`Yes，that’sjustwhatwearetalkingabout。Andletmetellyouthataheartlesswoman，whethershe’soldornotold，yourmotheroranyoneelse，isofnoconsequencetome，andIwouldnotconsenttoknowher。’

`Anna，Ibegyounottospeakdisrespectfullyofmymother。’

`Awomanwhoseheartdoesnottellherwhereherson’shappinessandhonorliehasnoheart。’

`Irepeatmyrequestthatyouwillnotspeakdisrespectfullyofmymother，whomIrespect，’hesaid，raisinghisvoiceandlookingsternlyather。

Shedidnotanswer。Lookingintentlyathim，athisface，hishands，sherecalledallthedetailsoftheirreconciliationthepreviousday，andhispassionatecaresses。`There，justsuchcaresseshehaslavished，andwilllavish，andlongstolavishonotherwomen！’shethought。

`Youdon’tloveyourmother。That’salltalk，andtalk，andtalk！’

shesaid，lookingathimwithhatredinhereyes。

`Evenifso，youmust……’

`Mustdecide，andIhavedecided，’shesaid，andshewouldhavegoneaway，butatthatmomentIashvinwalkedintotheroom。Annagreetedhimandremained。

Why，whentherewasatempestinhersoul，andshefeltshewasstandingataturningpointinherlife，whichmighthavefearfulconsequences-why，atthatminute，shehadtokeepupappearancesbeforeanoutsider，whosoonerorlatermustknowitall-shedidnotknow。Butatoncequellingthestormwithinher，shesatdownandbegantalkingtotheirguest。

`Well，howareyougettingon？Hasyourdebtbeenpaidyou？’sheaskedIashvin。

`Oh，prettyfair；IfancyIshan’tgetitall，whileIoughttogoonWednesday。Andwhenareyouoff？’saidIashvin，lookingatVronsky，andunmistakablysurmisingaquarrel。

`Thedayaftertomorrow，Ithink，’saidVronsky。

`You’vebeenintendingtogosolong，though。’

`Butnowit’squitedecided，’saidAnna，lookingVronskystraightinthefacewithalookwhichtoldhimnottodreamofthepossibilityofreconciliation。

`Don’tyoufeelsorryforthatunluckyPievtsov？’shewenton，talkingtoIashvin。

`I’veneveraskedmyselfthequestion，AnnaArkadyevna，whetherI’msorryforhimornot。Yousee，allmyfortune’shere’-hetouchedhisbreastpocket-`andjustnowI’mawealthyman。ButtodayI’mgoingtotheclub，andImaycomeoutabeggar。Yousee，whoeversitsdowntoplaywithmewantstoleavemewithoutashirttomyback，andIwishthesametohim。Andsowefightitout，andthat’sthepleasureofit。’

`Well，butsupposeyouweremarried，’saidAnna，`howwoulditbeforyourwife？’

Iashvinlaughed。

`That’stoallappearancewhyI’mnotmarried，andnevermeantobe。’

`AndHelsingfors？’saidVronsky，enteringintotheconversationandglancingatAnna’ssmilingface。Meetinghiseyes，Anna’sfaceinstantlytookacoldlysevereexpressionasthoughsheweresayingtohim:`It’snotforgotten。It’sallthesame。’

`Wereyoureallyinlove？’shesaidtoIashvin。

`Ohheavens！Eversomanytimes！But，yousee，somemencanplay，butonlysothattheycanalwayslaydowntheircardswhenthehourofarendez-vouscomes，whileIcantakeuplove，butonlysoasnottobelateformycardsintheevening。That’showImanagethings。’

`No，Ididn’tmeanthat，buttherealthing。’ShewouldhavesaidHelsingfors，butwouldnotrepeatthewordusedbyVronsky。

Voitov，whowasbuyingthehorse，camein。Annagotupandwentoutoftheroom。

Beforeleavingthehouse，Vronskywentintoherroom。Shewouldhavepretendedtobelookingforsomethingonthetable，butashamedofmakingapretense，shelookedstraightinhisfacewithcoldeyes。

`Whatdoyouwant？’sheaskedinFrench。

`TogettheguaranteeforGambetta-I’vesoldhim，’hesaid，inatonewhichsaidmoreclearlythanwords，`I’venotimefordiscussingthings，anditwouldleadtonothing。’

`I’mnottoblameinanyway，’hethought。`Ifshewillpunishherself，tantpispourelle。’Butashewasgoinghefanciedthatshesaidsomething，andhisheartsuddenlyachedwithpityforher。

`Eh，Anna？’hequeried。

`Isaidnothing，’sheansweredjustascoldlyandcalmly。

`Oh，nothing，tantpisthen，’hethought，feelingcoldagain，andheturnedandwentout。Ashewasgoingouthecaughtaglimpseinthelookingglassofherface，white，withquiveringlips。Heevenwantedtostopandtosaysomecomfortingwordtoher，buthislegscarriedhimoutoftheroombeforehecouldthinkwhattosay。Thewholeofthatdayhespentawayfromhome，andwhenhecameinlateintheeveningthemaidtoldhimthatAnnaArkadyevnahadaheadacheandbeggedhimnottogointoher。

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TOLSTOY:AnnaKareninaPart7，Chapter26[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]Chapter26Neverbeforehadadaybeenpassedinquarrel。Todaywasthefirsttime。

Andthiswasnotaquarrel。Itwastheopenacknowledgmentofcompletecoldness。Wasitpossibletoglanceatherashehadglancedwhenhecameintotheroomfortheguarantee？-tolookather，seeherheartwasbreakingwithdespair，andgooutwithoutawordwiththatfaceofcallouscomposure？

Hewasnotmerelycoldtoher，hehatedherbecausehelovedanotherwoman-thatwasclear。

Andrememberingallthecruelwordshehadsaid，Annasupplied，too，thewordsthathehadunmistakablywishedtosayandcouldhavesaidtoher，andshegrewmoreandmoreexasperated。

`Iwon’tpreventyou，’hemightsay。`Youcangowhereyoulike。

Youwereunwillingtobedivorcedfromyourhusband，nodoubtsothatyoumightgobacktohim。Gobacktohim。Ifyouwantmoney，I’llgiveittoyou。Howmanyroublesdoyouwant？’

Allthemostcruelwordsthatabrutalmancouldsay，hesaidtoherinherimagination，andshecouldnotforgivehimforthem，asthoughhehadactuallysaidthem。

`Butdidn’theonlyyesterdayswearhelovedme，he，atruthfulandsincereman？Haven’tIdespairedfornothingmanytimesalready？’shesaidtoherselfrightafterthis。

Allthatday，exceptforthevisittoWilson’s，whichoccupiedtwohours，Annaspentindoubtswhethereverythingwereoverorwhethertherewerestillhopeofreconciliation；whethersheshouldgoawayatonceorseehimoncemore。Shewasexpectinghimthewholeday，andintheevening，asshewenttoherownroom，leavingamessageforhimthatherheadached，shesaidtoherself，`Ifhecomesinspiteofwhatthemaidsays，itmeansthathelovesmestill。Ifnot，itmeansthatallisover，andthenIwilldecidewhatIamtodo！……’

Intheeveningsheheardtherumblingofhiscarriagestopattheentrance，hisring，hissteps，andhisconversationwiththeservant；

hebelievedwhatwastoldhim，didnotcaretofindoutmore，andwenttohisownroom。Sothen，everythingwasatanend。

Anddeathroseclearlyandvividlybeforehermindasthesolemeansofbringingbackloveforherinhisheart，ofpunishinghimandofgainingthevictoryinthatstrifewhichtheevilspiritinpossessionofherheartwaswagingwithhim。

Nownothingmattered:goingornotgoingtoVozdvizhenskoe，gettingornotgettingadivorcefromherhusband-allthatdidnotmatter。Theonethingthatmatteredwaspunishinghim。

Whenshepouredherselfoutherusualdoseofopium，andthoughtthatshehadonlytodrinkoffthewholebottletodie，itseemedtohersosimpleandeasy，thatshebeganmusingwithenjoymentonhowhewouldsuffer，andrepent，andlovehermemorywhenitwouldbetoolate。Shelayinbedwithopeneyes，bythelightofasinglegutteringcandle，gazingatthecarvedcorniceoftheceilingandattheshadowofthescreenthatcoveredpartofit，whileshevividlypicturedtoherselfhowhewouldfeelwhenshewouldbenomore，whenshewouldbeonlyamemorytohim。

`HowcouldIsaysuchcruelthingstoher？’hewouldsay。`HowcouldI

gooutoftheroomwithoutsayinganythingtoher？Butnowsheisnomore。

Shehasgoneawayfromusforever。Sheis……’Suddenlytheshadowofthescreenwavered，pouncedonthewholecornice，thewholeceiling；othershadowsfromtheothersideswoopedtomeetit；foraninstanttheshadowsflittedback，butthenwithfreshswiftnesstheydartedforward，wavered，mingled，andallwasdarkness。`Death！’shethought。Andsuchhorrorcameuponherthatforalongwhileshecouldnotrealizewhereshewas，andforalongwhilehertremblinghandscouldnotfindthematchesandlightanothercandle，insteadoftheonethathadburneddownandgoneout。`No，anything-onlytolive！Why，Ilovehim！Why，helovesme！Thishasbeenbeforeandwillpass，’shesaid，feelingthattearsofjoyatthereturntolifeweretricklingdownhercheeks。Andtoescapefromherpanicshewenthurriedlytohisroom。

Hewasasleepthere，andsleepingsoundly。Shewentuptohim，andholdingthelightabovehisface，shegazedalongwhileathim。Nowwhenhewasasleep，shelovedhimsothatatthesightofhimshecouldnotkeepbacktearsoftenderness。Butsheknewthatifhewakeduphewouldlookatherwithcoldeyes，convincedthathewasright，andthatbeforetellinghimofherlove，shewouldhavetoprovetohimthathehadbeenwronginhistreatmentofher。Withoutwakinghim，shewentback，andafteraseconddoseofopiumshefelltowardmorningintoaheavy，incompletesleep，duringwhichsheneverquitelostconsciousness。

Inthemorningshewaswakedbyahorriblenightmare，whichhadrecurredseveraltimesinherdreams，evenbeforeherconnectionwithVronsky。

Alittleoldmanwithunkemptbeardwasdoingsomething，stoopingoversomeiron，mutteringmeaninglessFrenchwords，andshe，asshealwaysdidinthisnightmare(itwaswhatmadethehorrorofit)，feltthatthispeasantwastakingnonoticeofher，butwasdoingsomethinghorriblewiththeiron-overher。Andshewakedupinacoldsweat。

Whenshegotup，thepreviousdaycamebacktoherasthoughveiledinmist。

`Therewasaquarrel。Justwhathashappenedseveraltimes。I

saidIhadaheadache，andhedidnotcomeintoseeme。Tomorrowwe’regoingaway；Imustseehimandgetreadyforthejourney，’shesaidtoherself。Andlearningthathewasinhisstudy，shewentdowntohim。Asshepassedthroughthedrawingroomsheheardacarriagestopattheentrance，andlookingoutofthewindowshesawthecarriage，fromwhichayounggirlinalilachatwasleaningout，givingsomedirectiontothefootmanwhowasringingthebell。Afteraparleyinthehall，someonecameupstairs，andVronsky’sstepscouldbeheardpassingthedrawingroom。Hewentrapidlydownstairs。Annawentagaintothewindow。Shesawhimcomeoutonthestepswithouthishatandgouptothecarriage。Theyounggirlinthelilachathandedhimaparcel。Vronsky，smiling，saidsomethingtoher。

Thecarriagedroveaway；heranrapidlyupstairsagain。

Themiststhathadshroudedeverythinginhersoulpartedsuddenly。

Thefeelingsofyesterdaypiercedthesickheartwithafreshpang。Shecouldnotunderstandnowhowshecouldhaveloweredherselfbyspendingawholedaywithhiminhishouse。Shewentintohisroomtoannounceherdetermination。

`ThatwasMadameSorokinaandherdaughter。Theycameandbroughtmethemoneyandthedeedsfrommaman。Icouldn’tgetthemyesterday。Howisyourhead，better？’hesaidquietly，notwishingtoseeandtounderstandthegloomyandsolemnexpressionofherface。

Shelookedsilently，intentlyathim，standinginthemiddleoftheroom。Heglancedather，frownedforamoment，andwentonreadingaletter。Sheturned，andwentdeliberatelyoutoftheroom。Hestillmighthaveturnedherback，butshehadreachedthedoor，hewasstillsilent，andtheonlysoundaudiblewastherustlingofthenotepaperasheturnedit。

`Oh，bytheway，’hesaidattheverymomentshewasinthedoorway，`we’regoingtomorrowforcertain，aren’twe？’

`You，butnotI，’shesaid，turningroundtohim。

`Anna，wecan’tgoonlikethis……’

`You，butnotI，’sherepeated。

`Thisisgettingunbearable！’

`You……Youwillbesorryfo