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Thatnight，afterhehadkissedhissisters，hethoughtpropertoforgeteventoshakehandswithme，butlefttheroominsilence。I—who，thoughIhadnolove，hadmuchfriendshipforhim—washurtbythemarkedomission:somuchhurtthattearsstartedtomyeyes。
“IseeyouandSt。Johnhavebeenquarrelling，Jane，”saidDiana，“duringyourwalkonthemoor。Butgoafterhim;heisnowlingeringinthepassageexpectingyou—hewillmakeitup。”
Ihavenotmuchprideundersuchcircumstances:Iwouldalwaysratherbehappythandignified;andIranafterhim—hestoodatthefootofthestairs。
“Good—night，St。John，”saidI。
“Good—night，Jane，”herepliedcalmly。
“Thenshakehands，”Iadded。
Whatacold，loosetouch，heimpressedonmyfingers！Hewasdeeplydispleasedbywhathadoccurredthatday;cordialitywouldnotwarm，nortearsmovehim。Nohappyreconciliationwastobehadwithhim—nocheeringsmileorgenerousword:butstilltheChristianwaspatientandplacid;andwhenIaskedhimifheforgaveme，heansweredthathewasnotinthehabitofcherishingtheremembranceofvexation;thathehadnothingtoforgive，nothavingbeenoffended。
Andwiththatanswerheleftme。Iwouldmuchratherhehadknockedmedown。
Chapter35
HedidnotleaveforCambridgethenextday，ashehadsaidhewould。Hedeferredhisdepartureawholeweek，andduringthattimehemademefeelwhatseverepunishmentagoodyetstern，aconscientiousyetimplacablemancaninflictononewhohasoffendedhim。Withoutoneovertactofhostility，oneupbraidingword，hecontrivedtoimpressmemomentlywiththeconvictionthatIwasputbeyondthepaleofhisfavour。
NotthatSt。Johnharbouredaspiritofunchristianvindictiveness—notthathewouldhaveinjuredahairofmyhead，ifithadbeenfullyinhispowertodoso。Bothbynatureandprinciple，hewassuperiortothemeangratificationofvengeance:hehadforgivenmeforsayingIscornedhimandhislove，buthehadnotforgottenthewords;andaslongasheandIlivedheneverwouldforgetthem。Isawbyhislook，whenheturnedtome，thattheywerealwayswrittenontheairbetweenmeandhim;wheneverIspoke，theysoundedinmyvoicetohisear，andtheirechotonedeveryanswerhegaveme。
Hedidnotabstainfromconversingwithme:heevencalledmeasusualeachmorningtojoinhimathisdesk;andIfearthecorruptmanwithinhimhadapleasureunimpartedto，andunsharedby，thepureChristian，inevincingwithwhatskillhecould，whileactingandspeakingapparentlyjustasusual，extractfromeverydeedandeveryphrasethespiritofinterestandapprovalwhichhadformerlycommunicatedacertainausterecharmtohislanguageandmanner。Tome，hewasinrealitybecomenolongerflesh，butmarble;hiseyewasacold，bright，bluegem;histongueaspeakinginstrument—nothingmore。
Allthiswastorturetome—refined，lingeringtorture。Itkeptupaslowfireofindignationandatremblingtroubleofgrief，whichharassedandcrushedmealtogether。Ifelthow—ifIwerehiswife，thisgoodman，pureasthedeepsunlesssource，couldsoonkillme，withoutdrawingfrommyveinsasingledropofblood，orreceivingonhisowncrystalconsciencethefainteststainofcrime。EspeciallyIfeltthiswhenImadeanyattempttopropitiatehim。Noruthmetmyruth。Heexperiencednosufferingfromestrangement—noyearningafterreconciliation;andthough，morethanonce，myfastfallingtearsblisteredthepageoverwhichwebothbent，theyproducednomoreeffectonhimthanifhishearthadbeenreallyamatterofstoneormetal。Tohissisters，meantime，hewassomewhatkinderthanusual:asifafraidthatmerecoldnesswouldnotsufficientlyconvincemehowcompletelyIwasbanishedandbanned，headdedtheforceofcontrast;andthisIamsurehedidnotbyforce，butonprinciple。
Thenightbeforehelefthome，happeningtoseehimwalkinginthegardenaboutsunset，andremembering，asIlookedathim，thatthisman，alienatedashenowwas，hadoncesavedmylife，andthatwewerenearrelations，Iwasmovedtomakealastattempttoregainhisfriendship。Iwentoutandapproachedhimashestoodleaningoverthelittlegate;Ispoketothepointatonce。
“St。John，Iamunhappybecauseyouarestillangrywithme。Letusbefriends。”
“Ihopewearefriends，”wastheunmovedreply;whilehestillwatchedtherisingofthemoon，whichhehadbeencontemplatingasIapproached。
“No，St。John，wearenotfriendsaswewere。Youknowthat。”
“Arewenot？Thatiswrong。Formypart，Iwishyounoillandallgood。”
“Ibelieveyou，St。John;forIamsureyouareincapableofwishinganyoneill;but，asIamyourkinswoman，Ishoulddesiresomewhatmoreofaffectionthanthatsortofgeneralphilanthropyyouextendtomerestrangers。”
“Ofcourse，”hesaid。“Yourwishisreasonable，andIamfarfromregardingyouasastranger。”
This，spokeninacool，tranquiltone，wasmortifyingandbafflingenough。HadIattendedtothesuggestionsofprideandire，Ishouldimmediatelyhavelefthim;butsomethingworkedwithinmemorestronglythanthosefeelingscould。Ideeplyveneratedmycousin’stalentandprinciple。Hisfriendshipwasofvaluetome:toloseittriedmeseverely。Iwouldnotsosoonrelinquishtheattempttoreconquerit。
“Mustwepartinthisway，St。John？AndwhenyougotoIndia，willyouleavemeso，withoutakinderwordthanyouhaveyetspoken？”
Henowturnedquitefromthemoonandfacedme。
“WhenIgotoIndia，Jane，willIleaveyou！What！doyounotgotoIndia？”
“YousaidIcouldnotunlessImarriedyou。”
“Andyouwillnotmarryme！Youadheretothatresolution？”
Reader，doyouknow，asIdo，whatterrorthosecoldpeoplecanputintotheiceoftheirquestions？Howmuchofthefalloftheavalancheisintheiranger？ofthebreakingupofthefrozenseaintheirdispleasure？
“No。St。John，Iwillnotmarryyou。Iadheretomyresolution。”
Theavalanchehadshakenandslidalittleforward，butitdidnotyetcrashdown。
“Oncemore，whythisrefusal？”heasked。
“Formerly，”Ianswered，“becauseyoudidnotloveme;now，Ireply，becauseyoualmosthateme。IfIweretomarryyou，youwouldkillme。Youarekillingmenow。”
Hislipsandcheeksturnedwhite—quitewhite。
“Ishouldkillyou—Iamkillingyou？Yourwordsaresuchasoughtnottobeused:violent，unfeminine，anduntrue。Theybetrayanunfortunatestateofmind:theymeritseverereproof:theywouldseeminexcusable，butthatitisthedutyofmantoforgivehisfellowevenuntilseventy—and—seventimes。”
Ihadfinishedthebusinessnow。Whileearnestlywishingtoerasefromhismindthetraceofmyformeroffence，Ihadstampedonthattenacioussurfaceanotherandfardeeperimpression，Ihadburntitin。
“Nowyouwillindeedhateme，”Isaid。“Itisuselesstoattempttoconciliateyou:IseeIhavemadeaneternalenemyofyou。”
Afreshwrongdidthesewordsinflict:theworse，becausetheytouchedonthetruth。Thatbloodlesslipquiveredtoatemporaryspasm。IknewthesteelyireIhadwhetted。Iwasheart—wrung。
“Youutterlymisinterpretmywords，”Isaid，atonceseizinghishand:“Ihavenointentiontogrieveorpainyou—indeed，Ihavenot。”
Mostbitterlyhesmiled—mostdecidedlyhewithdrewhishandfrommine。“Andnowyourecallyourpromise，andwillnotgotoIndiaatall，Ipresume？”saidhe，afteraconsiderablepause。
“Yes，Iwill，asyourassistant，”Ianswered。
Averylongsilencesucceeded。WhatstruggletherewasinhimbetweenNatureandGraceinthisinterval，Icannottell:onlysingulargleamsscintillatedinhiseyes，andstrangeshadowspassedoverhisface。Hespokeatlast。
“Ibeforeprovedtoyoutheabsurdityofasinglewomanofyourageproposingtoaccompanyabroadasinglemanofmine。Iprovedittoyouinsuchtermsas，Ishouldhavethought，wouldhavepreventedyoureveragainalludingtotheplan。Thatyouhavedoneso，Iregret—foryoursake。”
Iinterruptedhim。Anythinglikeatangiblereproachgavemecourageatonce。“Keeptocommonsense，St。John:youarevergingonnonsense。YoupretendtobeshockedbywhatIhavesaid。Youarenotreallyshocked:for，withyoursuperiormind，youcannotbeeithersodullorsoconceitedastomisunderstandmymeaning。Isayagain，Iwillbeyourcurate，ifyoulike，butneveryourwife。”
Againheturnedlividlypale;but，asbefore，controlledhispassionperfectly。Heansweredemphaticallybutcalmly—
“Afemalecurate，whoisnotmywife，wouldneversuitme。Withme，then，itseems，youcannotgo:butifyouaresincereinyouroffer，Iwill，whileintown，speaktoamarriedmissionary，whosewifeneedsacoadjutor。YourownfortunewillmakeyouindependentoftheSociety’said;andthusyoumaystillbesparedthedishonourofbreakingyourpromiseanddesertingthebandyouengagedtojoin。”
NowIneverhad，asthereaderknows，eithergivenanyformalpromiseorenteredintoanyengagement;andthislanguagewasallmuchtoohardandmuchtoodespoticfortheoccasion。Ireplied—
“Thereisnodishonour，nobreachofpromise，nodesertioninthecase。IamnotundertheslightestobligationtogotoIndia，especiallywithstrangers。WithyouIwouldhaveventuredmuch，becauseIadmire，confidein，and，asasister，Iloveyou;bu
