第24章

“Iresumedmynoticeofyou。Therewassomethinggladinyourglance，andgenialinyourmanner，whenyouconversed:Isawyouhadasocialheart;itwasthesilentschoolroom—itwasthetediumofyourlife—thatmadeyoumournful。Ipermittedmyselfthedelightofbeingkindtoyou;kindnessstirredemotionsoon:yourfacebecamesoftinexpression，yourtonesgentle;Ilikedmynamepronouncedbyyourlipsinagratefulhappyaccent。Iusedtoenjoyachancemeetingwithyou，Jane，atthistime:therewasacurioushesitationinyourmanner:youglancedatmewithaslighttrouble—ahoveringdoubt:youdidnotknowwhatmycapricemightbe—whetherIwasgoingtoplaythemasterandbestern，orthefriendandbebenignant。Iwasnowtoofondofyouoftentosimulatethefirstwhim;and，whenIstretchedmyhandoutcordially，suchbloomandlightandblissrosetoyouryoung，wistfulfeatures，Ihadmuchadooftentoavoidstrainingyouthenandtheretomyheart。”

“Don’ttalkanymoreofthosedays，sir，”Iinterrupted，furtivelydashingawaysometearsfrommyeyes;hislanguagewastorturetome;forIknewwhatImustdo—anddosoon—andallthesereminiscences，andtheserevelationsofhisfeelingsonlymademyworkmoredifficult。

“No，Jane，”hereturned:“whatnecessityistheretodwellonthePast，whenthePresentissomuchsurer—theFuturesomuchbrighter？”

Ishudderedtoheartheinfatuatedassertion。

“Youseenowhowthecasestands—doyounot？”hecontinued。“Afterayouthandmanhoodpassedhalfinunutterablemiseryandhalfindrearysolitude，IhaveforthefirsttimefoundwhatIcantrulylove—Ihavefoundyou。Youaremysympathy—mybetterself—mygoodangel。Iamboundtoyouwithastrongattachment。Ithinkyougood，gifted，lovely:afervent，asolemnpassionisconceivedinmyheart;itleanstoyou，drawsyoutomycentreandspringoflife，wrapsmyexistenceaboutyou，and，kindlinginpure，powerfulflame，fusesyouandmeinone。

“ItwasbecauseIfeltandknewthis，thatIresolvedtomarryyou。TotellmethatIhadalreadyawifeisemptymockery:youknownowthatIhadbutahideousdemon。Iwaswrongtoattempttodeceiveyou;butIfearedastubbornnessthatexistsinyourcharacter。Ifearedearlyinstilledprejudice:Iwantedtohaveyousafebeforehazardingconfidences。Thiswascowardly:Ishouldhaveappealedtoyournoblenessandmagnanimityatfirst，asIdonow—openedtoyouplainlymylifeofagony—describedtoyoumyhungerandthirstafterahigherandworthierexistence—showntoyou，notmyresolution（thatwordisweak），butmyresistlessbenttolovefaithfullyandwell，whereIamfaithfullyandwelllovedinreturn。ThenIshouldhaveaskedyoutoacceptmypledgeoffidelityandtogivemeyours。Jane—giveitmenow。”

Apause。

“Whyareyousilent，Jane？”

Iwasexperiencinganordeal:ahandoffieryirongraspedmyvitals。Terriblemoment:fullofstruggle，blackness，burning！NotahumanbeingthateverlivedcouldwishtobelovedbetterthanIwasloved;andhimwhothuslovedmeIabsolutelyworshipped:andImustrenounceloveandidol。Onedrearwordcomprisedmyintolerableduty—“Depart！”

“Jane，youunderstandwhatIwantofyou？Justthispromise—‘Iwillbeyours，Mr。Rochester。’”

“Mr。Rochester，Iwillnotbeyours。”

Anotherlongsilence。

“Jane！”recommencedhe，withagentlenessthatbrokemedownwithgrief，andturnedmestone—coldwithominousterror—forthisstillvoicewasthepantofalionrising—“Jane，doyoumeantogoonewayintheworld，andtoletmegoanother？”

“Ido。”

“Jane”（bendingtowardsandembracingme），“doyoumeanitnow？”

“Ido。”

“Andnow？”softlykissingmyforeheadandcheek。

“Ido，”extricatingmyselffromrestraintrapidlyandcompletely。

“Oh，Jane，thisisbitter！This—thisiswicked。Itwouldnotbewickedtoloveme。”

“Itwouldtoobeyyou。”

Awildlookraisedhisbrows—crossedhisfeatures:herose;butheforeboreyet。Ilaidmyhandonthebackofachairforsupport:Ishook，Ifeared—butIresolved。

“Oneinstant，Jane。Giveoneglancetomyhorriblelifewhenyouaregone。Allhappinesswillbetornawaywithyou。Whatthenisleft？ForawifeIhavebutthemaniacupstairs:aswellmightyourefermetosomecorpseinyonderchurchyard。WhatshallIdo，Jane？Whereturnforacompanionandforsomehope？”

“DoasIdo:trustinGodandyourself。Believeinheaven。Hopetomeetagainthere。”

“Thenyouwillnotyield？”

“No。”

“Thenyoucondemnmetolivewretchedandtodieaccursed？”Hisvoicerose。

“Iadviseyoutolivesinless，andIwishyoutodietranquil。”

“Thenyousnatchloveandinnocencefromme？Youflingmebackonlustforapassion—viceforanoccupation？”

“Mr。Rochester，InomoreassignthisfatetoyouthanIgraspatitformyself。Wewereborntostriveandendure—youaswellasI:doso。YouwillforgetmebeforeIforgetyou。”

“Youmakemealiarbysuchlanguage:yousullymyhonour。IdeclaredIcouldnotchange:youtellmetomyfaceIshallchangesoon。Andwhatadistortioninyourjudgment，whataperversityinyourideas，isprovedbyyourconduct！Isitbettertodriveafellow—creaturetodespairthantotransgressamerehumanlaw，nomanbeinginjuredbythebreach？foryouhaveneitherrelativesnoracquaintanceswhomyouneedfeartooffendbylivingwithme？”

Thiswastrue:andwhilehespokemyveryconscienceandreasonturnedtraitorsagainstme，andchargedmewithcrimeinresistinghim。TheyspokealmostasloudasFeeling:andthatclamouredwildly。“Oh，comply！”itsaid。“Thinkofhismisery;thinkofhisdanger—lookathisstatewhenleftalone;rememberhisheadlongnature;considertherecklessnessfollowingondespair—soothehim;savehim;lovehim;tellhimyoulovehimandwillbehis。Whointheworldcaresforyou？orwhowillbeinjuredbywhatyoudo？”

Stillindomitablewasthereply—“Icareformyself。Themoresolitary，themorefriendless，themoreunsustainedIam，themoreIwillrespectmyself。IwillkeepthelawgivenbyGod;sanctionedbyman。IwillholdtotheprinciplesreceivedbymewhenIwassane，andnotmad—asIamnow。Lawsandprinciplesarenotforthetimeswhenthereisnotemptation:theyareforsuchmomentsasthis，whenbodyandsoulriseinmutinyagainsttheirrigour;stringentarethey;inviolatetheyshallbe。IfatmyindividualconvenienceImightbreakthem，whatwouldbetheirworth？Theyhaveaworth—soIhavealwaysbelieved;andifIcannotbelieveitnow，itisbecauseIaminsane—quiteinsane:withmyveinsrunningfire，andmyheartbeatingfasterthanIcancountitsthrobs。Preconceivedopinions，foregonedeterminations，areallIhaveatthishourtostandby:thereIplantmyfoot。”

Idid。Mr。Rochester，readingmycountenance，sawIhaddoneso。Hisfurywaswroughttothehighest:hemustyieldtoitforamoment，whateverfollowed;hecrossedthefloorandseizedmyarmandgraspedmywaist。Heseemedtodevourmewithhisflamingglance:physically，Ifelt，atthemoment，powerlessasstubbleexposedtothedraughtandglowofafurnace:mentally，Istillpossessedmysoul，andwithitthecertaintyofultimatesafety。Thesoul，fortunately，hasaninterpreter—oftenanunconscious，butstillatruthfulinterpreter—intheeye。Myeyerosetohis;andwhileIlookedinhisfiercefaceIgaveaninvoluntarysigh;hisgripewaspainful，andmyover—taxedstrengthalmostexhausted。

“Never，”saidhe，ashegroundhisteeth，“neverwasanythingatoncesofrailandsoindomitable。Amerereedshefeelsinmyhand！”（Andheshookmewiththeforceofhishold。）“Icouldbendherwithmyfingerandthumb:andwhatgoodwoulditdoifIbent，ifIuptore，ifIcrushedher？Considerthateye:considertheresolute，wild，freethinglookingoutofit，defyingme，withmorethancourage—withasterntriumph。WhateverIdowithitscage，Icannotgetatit—thesavage，beautifulcreature！IfItear，ifIrendtheslightprison，myoutragewillonlyletthecaptiveloose。ConquerorImightbeofthehouse;buttheinmatewouldescapetoheavenbeforeIcouldcallmyselfpossessorofitsclaydwelling—place。Anditisyou，spirit—withwillandenergy，andvirtueandpurity—thatIwant:notaloneyourbrittleframe。Ofyourselfyoucouldcomewithsoftflightandnestleagainstmyheart，ifyouwould:seizedagainstyourwill，youwilleludethegrasplikeanessence—youwillvanishereIinhaleyourfragrance。Oh！come，Jane，come！”

Ashesaidthis，hereleasedmefromhisclutch，andonlylookedatme。Thelookwasfarworsetoresistthanthefranticstrain:onlyanidiot，however，wouldhavesuccumbednow。Ihaddaredandbaffledhisfury;Imusteludehissorrow:Iretiredtothedoor。

“Youaregoing，Jane？”

“Iamgoing，sir。”

“Youareleavingme？”

“Yes。”

“Youwillnotcome？Youwillnotbemycomforter，myrescuer？Mydeeplove，mywildwoe，myfranticprayer，areallnothingtoyou？”

Whatunutterablepathoswasinhisvoice！Howharditwastoreiteratefirmly，“Iamgoing。”

“Jane！”

“Mr。Rochester！”

“Withdraw，then，—Iconsent;butremember，youleavemehereinanguish。Gouptoyourownroom;thinkoverallIhavesaid，and，Jane，castaglanceonmysufferings—thinkofme。”

Heturnedaway;hethrewhimselfonhisfaceonthesofa。“Oh，Jane！myhope—mylove—mylife！”brokeinanguishfromhislips。Thencameadeep，strongsob。

Ihadalreadygainedthedoor;but，reader，Iwalkedback—walkedbackasdeterminedlyasIhadretreated。Ikneltdownbyhim;Iturnedhisfacefromthecushiontome;Ikissedhischeek;Ismoothedhishairwithmyhand。

“Godblessyou，mydearmaster！”Isaid。“Godkeepyoufromharmandwrong—directyou，solaceyou—rewardyouwellforyourpastkindnesstome。”

“LittleJane’slovewouldhavebeenmybestreward，”heanswered;“withoutit，myheartisbroken。ButJanewillgivemeherlove:yes—nobly，generously。”

Upthebloodrushedtohisface;forthflashedthefirefromhiseyes;erecthesprang;heheldhisarmsout;butIevadedtheembrace，andatoncequittedtheroom。

“Farewell！”wasthecryofmyheartasIlefthim。Despairadded，“Farewellforever！”

ThatnightIneverthoughttosleep;butaslumberfellonmeassoonasIlaydowninbed。Iwastransportedinthoughttothescenesofchildhood:IdreamtIlayinthered—roomatGateshead;thatthenightwasdark，andmymindimpressedwithstrangefears。Thelightthatlongagohadstruckmeintosyncope，recalledinthisvision，seemedglidinglytomountthewall，andtremblinglytopauseinthecentreoftheobscuredceiling。Iliftedupmyheadtolook:theroofresolvedto