第30章

Asourmutualhappiness（i。e。，Diana’s，Mary’s，andmine）settledintoaquietercharacter，andweresumedourusualhabitsandregularstudies，St。Johnstayedmoreathome:hesatwithusinthesameroom，sometimesforhourstogether。WhileMarydrew，Dianapursuedacourseofencyclopaedicreadingshehad（tomyaweandamazement）undertaken，andIfaggedawayatGerman，heponderedamysticloreofhisown:thatofsomeEasterntongue，theacquisitionofwhichhethoughtnecessarytohisplans。

Thusengaged，heappeared，sittinginhisownrecess，quietandabsorbedenough;butthatblueeyeofhishadahabitofleavingtheoutlandish—lookinggrammar，andwanderingover，andsometimesfixinguponus，hisfellow—students，withacuriousintensityofobservation:ifcaught，itwouldbeinstantlywithdrawn;yeteverandanon，itreturnedsearchinglytoourtable。Iwonderedwhatitmeant:Iwondered，too，atthepunctualsatisfactionheneverfailedtoexhibitonanoccasionthatseemedtomeofsmallmoment，namely，myweeklyvisittoMortonschool;andstillmorewasIpuzzledwhen，ifthedaywasunfavourable，iftherewassnow，orrain，orhighwind，andhissistersurgedmenottogo，hewouldinvariablymakelightoftheirsolicitude，andencouragemetoaccomplishthetaskwithoutregardtotheelements。

“Janeisnotsuchaweaklingasyouwouldmakeher，”hewouldsay:“shecanbearamountainblast，orashower，orafewflakesofsnow，aswellasanyofus。Herconstitutionisbothsoundandelastic;—bettercalculatedtoendurevariationsofclimatethanmanymorerobust。”

AndwhenIreturned，sometimesagooddealtired，andnotalittleweather—beaten，Ineverdaredcomplain，becauseIsawthattomurmurwouldbetovexhim:onalloccasionsfortitudepleasedhim;thereversewasaspecialannoyance。

Oneafternoon，however，Igotleavetostayathome，becauseIreallyhadacold。HissistersweregonetoMortoninmystead:IsatreadingSchiller;he，decipheringhiscrabbedOrientalscrolls。AsIexchangedatranslationforanexercise，Ihappenedtolookhisway:thereIfoundmyselfundertheinfluenceoftheever—watchfulblueeye。Howlongithadbeensearchingmethroughandthrough，andoverandover，Icannottell:sokeenwasit，andyetsocold，Ifeltforthemomentsuperstitious—asifIweresittingintheroomwithsomethinguncanny。

“Jane，whatareyoudoing？”

“LearningGerman。”

“IwantyoutogiveupGermanandlearnHindostanee。”

“Youarenotinearnest？”

“InsuchearnestthatImusthaveitso:andIwilltellyouwhy。”

HethenwentontoexplainthatHindostaneewasthelanguagehewashimselfatpresentstudying;that，asheadvanced，hewasapttoforgetthecommencement;thatitwouldassisthimgreatlytohaveapupilwithwhomhemightagainandagaingoovertheelements，andsofixthemthoroughlyinhismind;thathischoicehadhoveredforsometimebetweenmeandhissisters;butthathehadfixedonmebecausehesawIcouldsitatataskthelongestofthethree。WouldIdohimthisfavour？Ishouldnot，perhaps，havetomakethesacrificelong，asitwantednowbarelythreemonthstohisdeparture。

St。Johnwasnotamantobelightlyrefused:youfeltthateveryimpressionmadeonhim，eitherforpainorpleasure，wasdeep—gravedandpermanent。Iconsented。WhenDianaandMaryreturned，theformerfoundherscholartransferredfromhertoherbrother:shelaughed，andbothsheandMaryagreedthatSt。Johnshouldneverhavepersuadedthemtosuchastep。Heansweredquietly—

“Iknowit。”

Ifoundhimaverypatient，veryforbearing，andyetanexactingmaster:heexpectedmetodoagreatdeal;andwhenIfulfilledhisexpectations，he，inhisownway，fullytestifiedhisapprobation。Bydegrees，heacquiredacertaininfluenceovermethattookawaymylibertyofmind:hispraiseandnoticeweremorerestrainingthanhisindifference。Icouldnolongertalkorlaughfreelywhenhewasby，becauseatiresomelyimportunateinstinctremindedmethatvivacity（atleastinme）wasdistastefultohim。Iwassofullyawarethatonlyseriousmoodsandoccupationswereacceptable，thatinhispresenceeveryefforttosustainorfollowanyotherbecamevain:Ifellunderafreezingspell。Whenhesaid“go，”Iwent;“come，”Icame;“dothis，”Ididit。ButIdidnotlovemyservitude:Iwished，manyatime，hehadcontinuedtoneglectme。

Oneeveningwhen，atbedtime，hissistersandIstoodroundhim，biddinghimgood—night，hekissedeachofthem，aswashiscustom;and，aswasequallyhiscustom，hegavemehishand。Diana，whochancedtobeinafrolicsomehumour（Shewasnotpainfullycontrolledbyhiswill;forhers，inanotherway，wasasstrong），exclaimed—

“St。John！youusedtocallJaneyourthirdsister，butyoudon’ttreatherassuch:youshouldkisshertoo。”

Shepushedmetowardshim。IthoughtDianaveryprovoking，andfeltuncomfortablyconfused;andwhileIwasthusthinkingandfeeling，St。Johnbenthishead;hisGreekfacewasbroughttoalevelwithmine，hiseyesquestionedmyeyespiercingly—hekissedme。Therearenosuchthingsasmarblekissesoricekisses，orIshouldsaymyecclesiasticalcousin’ssalutebelongedtooneoftheseclasses;buttheremaybeexperimentkisses，andhiswasanexperimentkiss。Whengiven，heviewedmetolearntheresult;itwasnotstriking:IamsureIdidnotblush;perhapsImighthaveturnedalittlepale，forIfeltasifthiskisswereasealaffixedtomyfetters。Heneveromittedtheceremonyafterwards，andthegravityandquiescencewithwhichIunderwentit，seemedtoinvestitforhimwithacertaincharm。

Asforme，Idailywishedmoretopleasehim;buttodoso，IfeltdailymoreandmorethatImustdisownhalfmynature，stiflehalfmyfaculties，wrestmytastesfromtheiroriginalbent，forcemyselftotheadoptionofpursuitsforwhichIhadnonaturalvocation。HewantedtotrainmetoanelevationIcouldneverreach;itrackedmehourlytoaspiretothestandardheuplifted。Thethingwasasimpossibleastomouldmyirregularfeaturestohiscorrectandclassicpattern，togivetomychangeablegreeneyesthesea—bluetintandsolemnlustreofhisown。

Nothisascendancyalone，however，heldmeinthrallatpresent。Oflateithadbeeneasyenoughformetolooksad:acankeringevilsatatmyheartanddrainedmyhappinessatitssource—theevilofsuspense。

PerhapsyouthinkIhadforgottenMr。Rochester，reader，amidstthesechangesofplaceandfortune。Notforamoment。Hisideawasstillwithme，becauseitwasnotavapoursunshinecoulddisperse，norasand—tracedeffigystormscouldwashaway;itwasanamegravenonatablet，fatedtolastaslongasthemarbleitinscribed。Thecravingtoknowwhathadbecomeofhimfollowedmeeverywhere;whenIwasatMorton，Ire—enteredmycottageeveryeveningtothinkofthat;andnowatMoorHouse，Isoughtmybedroomeachnighttobroodoverit。

InthecourseofmynecessarycorrespondencewithMr。Briggsaboutthewill，IhadinquiredifheknewanythingofMr。Rochester’spresentresidenceandstateofhealth;but，asSt。Johnhadconjectured，hewasquiteignorantofallconcerninghim。IthenwrotetoMrs。Fairfax，entreatinginformationonthesubject。Ihadcalculatedwithcertaintyonthisstepansweringmyend:Ifeltsureitwouldelicitanearlyanswer。Iwasastonishedwhenafortnightpassedwithoutreply;butwhentwomonthsworeaway，anddayafterdaythepostarrivedandbroughtnothingforme，Ifellapreytothekeenestanxiety。

Iwroteagain:therewasachanceofmyfirstletterhavingmissed。Renewedhopefollowedrenewedeffort:itshoneliketheformerforsomeweeks，then，likeit，itfaded，flickered:notaline，notawordreachedme。Whenhalfayearwastedinvainexpectancy，myhopediedout，andthenIfeltdarkindeed。

Afinespringshoneroundme，whichIcouldnotenjoy。Summerapproached;Dianatriedtocheerme:shesaidIlookedill，andwishedtoaccompanymetothesea—side。ThisSt。Johnopposed;hesaidIdidnotwantdissipation，Iwantedemployment;mypresentlifewastoopurposeless，Irequiredanaim;and，Isuppose，bywayofsupplyingdeficiencies，heprolongedstillfurthermylessonsinHindostanee，andgrewmoreurgentinrequiringtheiraccomplishment:andI，likeafool，neverthoughtofresistinghim—Icouldnotresisthim。

OnedayIhadcometomystudiesinlowerspiritsthanusual;theebbwasoccasionedbyapoignantlyfeltdisappointment。Hannahhadtoldmeinthemorningtherewasaletterforme，andwhenIwentdowntotakeit，almostcertainthatthelong—lookedfortidingswerevouchsafedmeatlast，IfoundonlyanunimportantnotefromMr。Briggsonbusiness。Thebittercheckhadwrungfrommesometears;andnow，asIsatporingoverthecrabbedcharactersandflourishingtropesofanIndianscribe，myeyesfilledagain。

St。Johncalledmetohissidetoread;inattemptingtodothismyvoicefailedme:wordswerelostinsobs。HeandIweretheonlyoccupantsoftheparlour:Dianawaspractisinghermusicinthedrawing—room，Marywasgardening—itwasaveryfineMayday，clear，sunny，andbreezy。Mycompanionexpressednosurpriseatthisemotion，nordidhequestionmeastoitscause;heonlysaid—

“Wewillwaitafewminutes，Jane，tillyouaremorecomposed。”AndwhileIsmotheredtheparoxysmwithallhaste，hesatcalmandpatient，leaningonhisdesk，andlookinglikeaphysicianwatchingwiththeeyeofscienceanexpectedandfullyunderstoodcrisisinapatient’smalady。Havingstifledmysobs，wipedmyeyes，andmutteredsomethingaboutnotbeingverywellthatmorning，Iresumedmytask，andsucceededincompletingit。St。Johnputawaymybooksandhis，lockedhisdesk，andsaid—

“Now，Jane，youshalltakeawalk;andwithme。”

“IwillcallDianaandMary。”

“No;Iwantonlyonecompanionthismorning，andthatmustbeyou。Putonyourthings;gooutbythekitchen—door:taketheroadtowardstheheadofMarshGlen:Iwilljoinyouinamoment。”

Iknownomedium:Ineverinmylifehaveknownanymediuminmydealingswithpositive，hardcharacters，antagonistictomyown，betweenabsolutesubmissionanddeterminedrevolt。Ihavealwaysfaithfullyobservedtheone，uptotheverymomentofbursting，sometimeswithvolcanicvehemence，intotheother;andasneitherpresentcircumstanceswarranted，normypresentmoodinclinedmetomutiny，IobservedcarefulobediencetoSt。John’sdirections;and