第34章

Abellrang;itwasfordinner，andIwentdownstairs.MadameRadevintookmyarminaceremoniousmanner，andwepassedintothedining—room.

Afootmanwheeledintheoldmaninhisarmchair.Hegaveagreedyandcuriouslookatthedessert，asheturnedhisshakingheadwithdifficultyfromonedishtotheother.

Simonrubbedhishands："Youwillbeamused，"hesaid;andallthechildrenunderstandingthatIwasgoingtobeindulgedwiththesightoftheirgreedygrandfather，begantolaugh，whiletheirmothermerelysmiledandshruggedhershoulders，andSimon，makingaspeakingtrumpetofhishands，shoutedattheoldman："Thiseveningthereissweetcreamedrice！"Thewrinkledfaceofthegrandfatherbrightened，andhetrembledmoreviolently，fromheadtofoot，showingthathehadunderstoodandwasverypleased.Thedinnerbegan.

"Justlook！"Simonwhispered.Theoldmandidnotlikethesoup，andrefusedtoeatit;buthewasobligedtodoitforthegoodofhishealth，andthefootmanforcedthespoonintohismouth，whiletheoldmanblewsoenergetically，soasnottoswallowthesoup，thatitwasscatteredlikeasprayalloverthetableandoverhisneighbors.Thechildrenwrithedwithlaughteratthespectacle，whiletheirfather，whowasalsoamused，said："Isnottheoldmancomical？"

Duringthewholemealtheyweretakenupsolelywithhim.Hedevouredthedishesonthetablewithhiseyes，andtriedtoseizethemandpullthemovertohimwithhistremblinghands.Theyputthemalmostwithinhisreach，toseehisuselessefforts，histremblingclutchesatthem，thepiteousappealofhiswholenature，ofhiseyes，ofhismouthandofhisnoseashesmeltthem，andheslobberedonhistablenapkinwitheagerness，whileutteringinarticulategrunts.Andthewholefamilywashighlyamusedatthishorribleandgrotesquescene.

Thentheyputatinymorselonhisplate，andheatewithfeverishgluttony，inordertogetsomethingmoreassoonaspossible，andwhenthesweetenedricewasbroughtin，henearlyhadafit，andgroanedwithgreediness，andGontrancalledouttohim：

"Youhaveeatentoomuchalready;youcanhavenomore."Andtheypretendednottogivehimany.Thenhebegantocry;hecriedandtrembledmoreviolentlythanever，whileallthechildrenlaughed.

Atlast，however，theygavehimhishelping，averysmallpiece;andasheatethefirstmouthful，hemadeacomicalnoiseinhisthroat，andamovementwithhisneckasducksdowhentheyswallowtoolargeamorsel，andwhenhehadswallowedit，hebegantostamphisfeet，soastogetmore.

IwasseizedwithpityforthissaddeningandridiculousTantalus，andinterposedonhisbehalf：

"Come，givehimalittlemorerice！"ButSimonreplied："Oh！no，mydearfellow，ifheweretoeattoomuch，itwouldharmhim，athisage."

Iheldmytongue，andthoughtoverthosewords.Oh，ethics！Oh，logic！

Oh，wisdom！Athisage！Sotheydeprivedhimofhisonlyremainingpleasureoutofregardforhishealth！Hishealth！Whatwouldhedowithit，inertandtremblingwreckthathewas？Theyweretakingcareofhislife，sotheysaid.Hislife？Howmanydays？Ten，twenty，fifty，orahundred？Why？Forhisownsake？Ortopreserveforsometimelongerthespectacleofhisimpotentgreedinessinthefamily.

Therewasnothingleftforhimtodointhislife，nothingwhatever.

Hehadonesinglewishleft，onesolepleasure;whynotgranthimthatlastsolaceuntilhedied？

Afterwehadplayedcardsforalongtime，Iwentuptomyroomandtobed;Iwaslow—spiritedandsad，sad，sad！andIsatatmywindow.Notasoundcouldbeheardoutsidebutthebeautifulwarblingofabirdinatree，somewhereinthedistance.Nodoubtthebirdwassinginginalowvoiceduringthenight，tolullhismate，whowasasleeponhereggs.

AndIthoughtofmypoorfriend’sfivechildren，andpicturedhimtomyself，snoringbythesideofhisuglywife.

SUICIDES

ToGeorgesLegrand.

Hardlyadaygoesbywithoutourreadinganewsitemlikethefollowinginsomenewspaper：

"OnWednesdaynightthepeoplelivinginNo.40Ruede—————，wereawakenedbytwosuccessiveshots.TheexplosionsseemedtocomefromtheapartmentoccupiedbyM.X————.Thedoorwasbrokeninandthemanwasfoundbathedinhisblood，stillholdinginonehandtherevolverwithwhichhehadtakenhislife.

"M.X————wasfifty—sevenyearsofage，enjoyingacomfortableincome，andhadeverythingnecessarytomakehimhappy.Nocausecanbefoundforhisaction."

Whatterriblegrief，whatunknownsuffering，hiddendespair，secretwoundsdrivethesepresumablyhappypersonstosuicide？Wesearch，weimaginetragediesoflove，wesuspectfinancialtroubles，and，asweneverfindanythingdefinite，weapplytothesedeathstheword"mystery."

Aletterfoundonthedeskofoneofthese"suicideswithoutcause，"andwrittenduringhislastnight，besidehisloadedrevolver，hascomeintoourhands.Wedeemitratherinteresting.Itrevealsnoneofthosegreatcatastropheswhichwealwaysexpecttofindbehindtheseactsofdespair;butitshowsustheslowsuccessionofthelittlevexationsoflife，thedisintegrationofalonelyexistence，whosedreamshavedisappeared;itgivesthereasonforthesetragicends，whichonlynervousandhighstrungpeoplecanunderstand.

Hereitis：

"Itismidnight.WhenIhavefinishedthisletterIshallkillmyself.

Why？Ishallattempttogivethereasons，notforthosewhomayreadtheselines，butformyself，tokindlemywaningcourage，toimpressuponmyselfthefatalnecessityofthisactwhichcan，atbest，beonlydeferred.

"Iwasbroughtupbysimple—mindedparentswhowereunquestioningbelievers.AndIbelievedastheydid.

"Mydreamlastedalongtime.Thelastveilhasjustbeentornfrommyeyes.

"Duringthelastfewyearsastrangechangehasbeentakingplacewithinme.AlltheeventsofLife，whichformerlyhadtometheglowofabeautifulsunset，arenowfadingaway.Thetruemeaningofthingshasappearedtomeinitsbrutalreality;andthetruereasonforlovehasbredinmedisgustevenforthispoeticsentiment：’Wearetheeternaltoysoffoolishandcharmingillusions，whicharealwaysbeingrenewed.’

"Ongrowingolder，Ihadbecomepartlyreconciledtotheawfulmysteryoflife，totheuselessnessofeffort;whentheemptinessofeverythingappearedtomeinanewlight，thisevening，afterdinner.

"Formerly，Iwashappy！Everythingpleasedme：thepassingwomen，theappearanceofthestreets，theplacewhereIlived;andIeventookaninterestinthecutofmyclothes.Buttherepetitionofthesamesightshashadtheresultoffillingmyheartwithwearinessanddisgust，justasonewouldfeelwereonetogoeverynighttothesametheatre.

"ForthelastthirtyyearsIhavebeenrisingatthesamehour;and，atthesamerestaurant，forthirtyyears，Ihavebeeneatingatthesamehoursthesamedishesbroughtmebydifferentwaiters.

"Ihavetriedtravel.Thelonelinesswhichonefeelsinstrangeplacesterrifiedme.Ifeltsoalone，sosmallontheearththatIquicklystartedonmyhomewardjourney.

"Butheretheunchangingexpressionofmyfurniture，whichhasstoodforthirtyyearsinthesameplace，thesmellofmyapartments（for，withtime，eachdwellingtakesonaparticularodor）eachnight，theseandotherthingsdisgustmeandmakemesickoflivingthus.

"Everythingrepeatsitselfendlessly.ThewayinwhichIputmykeyinthelock，theplacewhereIalwaysfindmymatches，thefirstobjectwhichmeetsmyeyewhenIentertheroom，makemefeellikejumpingoutofthewindowandputtinganendtothosemonotonouseventsfromwhichwecanneverescape.

"Eachday，whenIshave，Ifeelaninordinatedesiretocutmythroat;

andmyface，whichIseeinthelittlemirror，alwaysthesame，withsoaponmycheeks，hasseveraltimesmademeweakfromsadness.

"NowIevenhatetobewithpeoplewhomIusedtomeetwithpleasure;I

knowthemsowell，IcantelljustwhattheyaregoingtosayandwhatI

amgoingtoanswer.Eachbrainislikeacircus，wherethesamehorsekeepscirclingaroundeternally.Wemustcircleroundalways，aroundthesameideas，thesamejoys，thesamepleasures，thesamehabits，thesamebeliefs，thesamesensationsofdisgust.

"Thefogwasterriblethisevening.Itenfoldedtheboulevard，wherethestreetlightsweredimmedandlookedlikesmokingcandles.Aheavierweightthanusualoppressedme.Perhapsmydigestionwasbad.

"Forgooddigestioniseverythinginlife.Itgivestheinspirationtotheartist，amorousdesirestoyoungpeople，clearideastothinkers，thejoyoflifetoeverybody，anditalsoallowsonetoeatheartily（whichisoneofthegreatestpleasures）.Asickstomachinducesscepticismunbelief，nightmaresandthedesirefordeath.Ihaveoftennoticedthisfact.PerhapsIwouldnotkillmyself，ifmydigestionhadbeengoodthisevening.

"WhenIsatdowninthearm—chairwhereIhavebeensittingeverydayforthirtyyears，Iglancedaroundme，andjustthenIwasseizedbysuchaterribledistressthatIthoughtImustgomad.

"ItriedtothinkofwhatIcoulddotorunawayfrommyself.Everyoccupationstruckmeasbeingworseeventhaninaction.ThenIbethoughtmeofputtingmypapersinorder.

"ForalongtimeIhavebeenthinkingofclearingoutmydrawers;for，forthelastthirtyyears，Ihavebeenthrowingmylettersandbillspell—mellintothesamedesk，andthisconfusionhasoftencausedmeconsiderabletrouble.ButIfeelsuchmoralandphysicallazinessatthesoleideaofputtinganythinginorderthatIhaveneverhadthecouragetobeginthistediousbusiness.

"Ithereforeopenedmydesk，intendingtochooseamongmyoldpapersanddestroythemajorityofthem.

"AtfirstIwasbewilderedbythisarrayofdocuments，yellowedbyage，thenIchoseone.

"Oh！ifyoucherishlife，neverdisturbtheburialplaceofoldletters！

"Andif，perchance，youshould，takethecontentsbythehandful，closeyoureyesthatyoumaynotreadaword，sothatyoumaynotrecognizesomeforgottenhandwritingwhichmayplungeyousuddenlyintoaseaofmemories;carrythesepaperstothefire;andwhentheyareinashes，crushthemtoaninvisiblepowder，orotherwiseyouarelost——justasI

havebeenlostforanhour.

"ThefirstletterswhichIreaddidnotinterestmegreatly.Theywererecent，andcamefromlivingmenwhomIstillmeetquiteoften，andwhosepresencedoesnotmovemetoanygreatextent.Butallatonceoneenvelopemademestart.Mynamewastracedonitinalarge，boldhandwriting;andsuddenlytearscametomyeyes.Thatletterwasfrommydearestfriend，thecompanionofmyyouth，theconfidantofmyhopes;andheappearedbeforemesoclearly，withhispleasantsmileandhishandoutstretched，thatacoldshiverrandownmyback.Yes，yes，thedeadcomeback，forIsawhim！Ourmemoryisamoreperfectworldthantheuniverse：itgivesbacklifetothosewhonolongerexist.

"WithtremblinghandanddimmedeyesIrereadeverythingthathetoldme，andinmypoorsobbingheartIfeltawoundsopainfulthatIbegantogroanasamanwhosebonesareslowlybeingcrushed.

"ThenItravelledovermywholelife，justasonetravelsalongariver.

Irecognizedpeople，solongforgottenthatInolongerknewtheirnames.

Theirfacesalonelivedinme.Inmymother’slettersIsawagaintheoldservants，theshapeofourhouseandthelittleinsignificantoddsandendswhichclingtoourminds.

"Yes，Isuddenlysawagainallmymother’soldgowns，thedifferentstyleswhichsheadoptedandtheseveralwaysinwhichshedressedherhair.Shehauntedmeespeciallyinasilkdress，trimmedwitholdlace;

andIrememberedsomethingshesaidonedaywhenshewaswearingthisdress.Shesaid：’Robert，mychild，ifyoudonotstandupstraightyouwillberound—shoulderedallyourlife.’

"Then，openinganotherdrawer，Ifoundmyselffacetofacewithmemoriesoftenderpassions：adancing—pump，atornhandkerchief，evenagarter，locksofhairanddriedflowers.Thenthesweetromancesofmylife，whoselivingheroinesarenowwhite—haired，plungedmeintothedeepmelancholyofthings.Oh，theyoungbrowswhereblondlockscurl，thecaressofthehands，theglancewhichspeaks，theheartswhichbeat，thatsmilewhichpromisesthelips，thoselipswhichpromisetheembrace！

Andthefirstkiss—thatendlesskisswhichmakesyoucloseyoureyes，whichdrownsallthoughtintheimmeasurablejoyofapproachingpossession！

"Takingtheseoldpledgesofformerloveinbothmyhands，Icoveredthemwithfuriouscaresses，andinmysoul，tornbythesememories，Isawthemeachagainatthehourofsurrender;andIsufferedatorturemorecruelthanallthetorturesinventedinallthefablesabouthell.

"Onelastletterremained.Itwaswrittenbymeanddictatedfiftyyearsagobymywritingteacher.Hereitis：

"’MYDEARLITTLEMAMMA：

"’Iamsevenyearsoldto—day.Itistheageofreason.Itakeadvantageofittothankyouforhavingbroughtmeintothisworld.

"’Yourlittleson，wholovesyou"’ROBERT.’

"Itisallover.Ihadgonebacktothebeginning，andsuddenlyIturnedmyglanceonwhatremainedtomeoflife.Isawhideousandlonelyoldage，andapproachinginfirmities，andeverythingoverandgone.Andnobodynearme！

"Myrevolverishere，onthetable.IamloadingitNeverrereadyouroldletters！"

Andthatishowmanymencometokillthemselves;andwesearchinvaintodiscoversomegreatsorrowintheirlives.

ANARTIFICE

Theolddoctorsatbythefireside，talkingtohisfairpatientwhowaslyingonthelounge.Therewasnothingmuchthematterwithher，exceptthatshehadoneofthoselittlefeminineailmentsfromwhichprettywomenfrequentlysuffer——slightanaemia，anervousattack，etc.

"No，doctor，"shesaid;"Ishallneverbeabletounderstandawomandeceivingherhusband.Evenallowingthatshedoesnotlovehim，thatshepaysnoheedtohervowsandpromises，howcanshegiveherselftoanotherman？Howcansheconcealtheintriguefromotherpeople’seyes？

Howcanitbepossibletoloveamidliesandtreason？"

Thedoctorsmiled，andreplied："Itisperfectlyeasy，andIcanassureyouthatawomandoesnotthinkofallthoselittlesubtledetailswhenshehasmadeuphermindtogoastray.

"Asfordissimulation，allwomenhaveplentyofitonhandforsuchoccasions，andthesimplestofthemarewonderful，andextricatethemselvesfromthegreatestdilemmasinaremarkablemanner."

Theyoungwoman，however，seemedincredulous.

"No，doctor，"shesaid;"oneneverthinksuntilafterithashappenedofwhatoneoughttohavedoneinacriticalsituation，andwomenarecertainlymoreliablethanmentolosetheirheadonsuchoccasions："

Thedoctorraisedhishands."Afterithashappened，yousay！NowI

willtellyousomethingthathappenedtooneofmyfemalepatients，whomIalwaysconsideredanimmaculatewoman.

"Ithappenedinaprovincialtown，andonenightwhenIwasasleep，inthatdeepfirstsleepfromwhichitissodifficulttorouseus，itseemedtome，inmydreams，asifthebellsinthetownweresoundingafirealarm，andIwokeupwithastart.Itwasmyownbell，whichwasringingwildly，andasmyfootmandidnotseemtobeansweringthedoor，I，inturn，pulledthebellattheheadofmybed，andsoonIheardabanging，andstepsinthesilenthouse，andJeancameintomyroom，andhandedmealetterwhichsaid：’MadameLelievrebegsDr.Simeontocometoherimmediately.’

"Ithoughtforafewmoments，andthenIsaidtomyself：’Anervousattack，vapors;nonsense，Iamtootired.’AndsoIreplied：’AsDr.

Simeonisnotatallwell，hemustbegMadameLelievretobekindenoughtocallinhiscolleague，MonsieurBonnet.’Iputthenoteintoanenvelopeandwenttosleepagain，butabouthalfanhourlaterthestreetbellrangagain，andJeancametomeandsaid：’Thereissomebodydownstairs;Idonotquiteknowwhetheritisamanorawoman，astheindividualissowrappedup，buttheywishtospeaktoyouimmediately.

Theysayitisamatteroflifeanddeathfortwopeople.’WhereuponI

satupinbedandtoldhimtoshowthepersonin.

"AkindofblackphantomappearedandraisedherveilassoonasJeanhadlefttheroom.ItwasMadameBertheLelievre，quiteayoungwoman，whohadbeenmarriedforthreeyearstoalargeamerchantinthetown，whowassaidtohavemarriedtheprettiestgirlintheneighborhood.

"Shewasterriblypale，herfacewascontractedasthefacesofinsanepeopleare，occasionally，andherhandstrembledviolently.Twiceshetriedtospeakwithoutbeingabletoutterasound，butatlastshestammeredout：’Come——quick——quick，doctor.Come——my——friendhasjustdiedinmybedroom.’Shestopped，halfsuffocatedwithemotion，andthenwenton：’Myhusbandwillbecominghomefromtheclubverysoon.’

"IjumpedoutofbedwithoutevenconsideringthatIwasonlyinmynightshirt，anddressedmyselfinafewmoments，andthenIsaid：’Didyoucomeashorttimeago？’’No，’shesaid，standinglikeastatuepetrifiedwithhorror.’Itwasmyservant——sheknows.’Andthen，afterashortsilence，shewenton：’Iwasthere——byhisside.’Andsheutteredasortofcryofhorror，andafterafitofchoking，whichmadehergasp，sheweptviolently，andshookwithspasmodicsobsforaminute：

ortwo.Thenhertearssuddenlyceased，asifbyaninternalfire，andwithanairoftragiccalmness，shesaid：’Letusmakehaste.’

"Iwasready，butexclaimed：’Iquiteforgottoordermycarriage.’

’Ihaveone，’shesaid;’itishis，whichwaswaitingforhim！’Shewrappedherselfup，soastocompletelyconcealherface，andwestarted.

"Whenshewasbymysideinthecarriageshesuddenlyseizedmyhand，andcrushingitinherdelicatefingers，shesaid，withashakingvoice，thatproceededfromadistractedheart：’Oh！ifyouonlyknew，ifyouonlyknewwhatIamsuffering！Ilovedhim，Ihavelovedhimdistractedly，likeamadwoman，forthelastsixmonths.’’Isanyoneupinyourhouse？’

Iasked.’No，nobodyexceptthose，whoknowseverything.’

"Westoppedatthedoor，andevidentlyeverybodywasasleep.Wewentinwithoutmakinganynoise，bymeansofherlatch—key，andwalkedupstairsontiptoe.Thefrightenedservantwassittingonthetopofthestairswithalightedcandlebyherside，asshewasafraidtoremainwiththedeadman，andIwentintotheroom，whichwasingreatdisorder.Wettowels，withwhichtheyhadbathedtheyoungman’stemples，werelyingonthefloor，bythesideofawashbasinandaglass，whileastrongsmellofvinegarpervadedtheroom.

"Thedeadman’sbodywaslyingatfulllengthinthemiddleoftheroom，andIwentuptoit，lookedatit，andtouchedit.Iopenedtheeyesandfeltthehands，andthen，turningtothetwowomen，whowereshakingasiftheywerefreezing，Isaidtothem：’Helpmetolifthimontothebed.’Whenwehadlaidhimgentlyonit，Ilistenedtohisheartandputalooking—glasstohislips，andthensaid：’Itisallover.’Itwasaterriblesight！

"Ilookedattheman，andsaid：’Yououghttoarrangehishairalittle.’

Thegirlwentandbroughthermistress’combandbrush，butasshewastrembling，andpullingouthislong，mattedhairindoingit，MadameLelievretookthecomboutofherhand，andarrangedhishairasifshewerecaressinghim.Shepartedit，brushedhisbeard，rolledhismustachesgentlyroundherfingers，then，suddenly，lettinggoofhishair，shetookthedeadman’sinertheadinherhandsandlookedforalongtimeindespairatthedeadface，whichnolongercouldsmileather，andthen，throwingherselfonhim，sheclaspedhiminherarmsandkissedhimardently.Herkissesfelllikeblowsonhisclosedmouthandeyes，hisforeheadandtemples;andthen，puttingherlipstohisear，asifhecouldstillhearher，andasifshewereabouttowhispersomethingtohim，shesaidseveraltimes，inaheartrendingvoice：

’Good—by，mydarling！’

"Justthentheclockstrucktwelve，andIstartedup.’Twelveo’clock！’

Iexclaimed.’Thatisthetimewhentheclubcloses.Come，madame，wehavenotamomenttolose！’Shestartedup，andIsaid：

’Wemustcarryhimintothedrawing—room.’Andwhenwehaddonethis，Iplacedhimonasofa，andlitthechandeliers，andjustthenthefrontdoorwasopenedandshutnoisily.’Rose，bringmethebasinandthetowels，andmaketheroomlooktidy.Makehaste，forHeaven’ssake！

MonsieurLelievreiscomingin.’

"Iheardhisstepsonthestairs，andthenhishandsfeelingalongthewalls.’Comehere，mydearfellow，’Isaid;’wehavehadanaccident.’

"Andtheastonishedhusbandappearedinthedoorwithacigarinhismouth，andsaid：’Whatisthematter？Whatisthemeaningofthis？’

’Mydearfriend，’Isaid，goinguptohim，’youfindusingreatembarrassment.Ihadremainedlate，chattingwithyourwifeandourfriend，whohadbroughtmeinhiscarriage，whenhesuddenlyfainted，andinspiteofallwehavedone，hehasremainedunconsciousfortwohours.

Ididnotliketocallinstrangers，andifyouwillnowhelpmedownstairswithhim，Ishallbeabletoattendtohimbetterathisownhouse.’

"Thehusband，whowassurprised，butquiteunsuspicious，tookoffhishat，andthenhetookhisrival，whowouldbequiteinoffensiveforthefuture，underthearms.Igotbetweenhistwolegs，asifIhadbeenahorsebetweentheshafts，andwewentdownstairs，whilehiswifeheldalightforus.WhenwegotoutsideIstoodthebodyup，soastodeceivethecoachman，andsaid：’Come，myfriend;itisnothing;youfeelbetteralreadyIexpect.Pluckupyourcourage，andmakeaneffort.Itwillsoonbeover.’ButasIfeltthathewasslippingoutofmyhands，I

gavehimaslapontheshoulder，whichsenthimforwardandmadehimfallintothecarriage，andthenIgotinafterhim.MonsieurLelievre，whowasratheralarmed，saidtome：’Doyouthinkitisanythingserious？’

TowhichIreplied：’No，’withasmile，asIlookedathiswife，whohadputherarmintothatofherhusband，andwastryingtoseeintothecarriage.

"Ishookhandswiththemandtoldmycoachmantostart，andduringthewholedrivethedeadmankeptfallingagainstme.WhenwegottohishouseIsaidthathehadbecomeunconsciousonthewayhome，andhelpedtocarryhimupstairs，whereIcertifiedthathewasdead，andactedanothercomedytohisdistractedfamily，andatlastIgotbacktobed，notwithoutswearingatlovers."

Thedoctorceased，thoughhewasstillsmiling，andtheyoungwoman，whowasinaverynervousstate，said："Whyhaveyoutoldmethatterriblestory？"

Hegaveheragallantbow，andreplied：

"SothatImayofferyoumyservicesiftheyshouldbeneeded."

DREAMS

Theyhadjustdinedtogether，fiveoldfriends，awriter，adoctorandthreerichbachelorswithoutanyprofession.

Theyhadtalkedabouteverything，andafeelingoflassitudecameoverthem，thatfeelingwhichprecedesan